Who's there?
Tinnitus.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 29 Jun 2013, 8:56, 4 replies)

Internet Shitstorm al B3ta
Ingredients -
1 BraynDedd - must be snide and have a large chin.
1 Amorous Badger - allow to settle once having made a self-perceived funny yet frequently nonsensical post. Can also be used for thinning out.
1 Dr Shambolic - simmer angrily until incohate then troll lightly till done.
1 Rory Lyon (may be bought in asian grocers as Fu Manchu) - as with the Shambo.
1 janet aylia - should be disregarded if bitter.
1 cowfoot - ensure that it is alright
1 Monty Boyce - can only be sliced with samurai sword.
1 ringofyre - only the original will suffice, do not use imitation brands.
1 Doveston - make sure it's fresh from /talk.
1 DOZERTRON! (often known as "plummie") - treat gently as it is fragile.
1 Battered - do not allow to post about familial situations.
1 Misery McUglywife - allow to stew in own juices whilst complaining about state of website. May complain if comments about family are made - use with caution as does burn twice.
Sit Duck for as long as it takes before it is ready to flounce. (EDITED for sittingduck - annoying, whingy cunt that he is ;))
Add other snarky commentators who post only shitty replies rather than stories, to taste.
EDIT: Extra emvee, Albert Marshmallow, Happy Phantom or Pooflake maybe added for extra zing!

Method -
Write an interesting, amusing and original story for /qotw. Marinate in an editor or word-processor.
Post on said site. Allow time for the story to rest and the juices to penetrate.

Wait patiently whilst posters brew themselves into a frothy, sudsy stew of anger, bile and invective.
Occasionally stir with comments. Observe that replies may involve "in-jokes" so old and jaded that they have become desiccated and tasteless.
Ensure to raise Ignore level to 2 for some posters as things heat up. Watch closely at this stage as too much Legless Gambit will spoil the broth.
Add liberal sprinklings of "You wife is fat" or OkCupid references whilst avoiding STAR WARS jokes and references to Transformers if possible. Add a large amount of "UPSET ON THE INTERNET" which can be balanced with a modest measure of "comedy website, lol"
Once posts have exceeded 200 but not yet reached 500 remove from /qotw and allow to cool in The Fail Archives.
Enjoy with a beverage of your choice, Cheers.

Serves 1. Or 20 autistic shut-ins.
A snifter of TL;DR? - posting a reply to this post may well qualify you as an "Ingredient".
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 29 Jun 2013, 1:55, 15 replies)

Knocknockkkknockockockknockockkknknknockock
Who's there?

Michael J Fox!
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 23:26, 2 replies)

The best chocolate cakes ever!
250g Soft Unsalted Butter
250g Best Quality Dark Chocolate (85% Cocoa)
330g Muscovado Sugar
4 Large Eggs
2/3rds Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
2/3rds Teaspoon Salt
150g Plain Flour
200g Chopped Hazelnuts (optional)
Turn the oven to 180 degrees (160 for a fan assisted oven)
Melt the butter and sugar together in a pan, when melted, put the muscovado sugar in and take it off the heat. Squish the lumps out of the sugar and pour into a mixing bowl.
Mix in the eggs, and the rest of the ingredients together adding the flour and nuts last, if you're not keen on mixing then just whisk the shit out of it.
Put the mixture into 24 cake cases and bake for 10 minutes, turn the baking trays round and then cook for a further 10 minutes.
They taste so damn good and it's very difficult to get them wrong...

Mmmmmm!

Edit:
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ineedap.
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 22:27, 8 replies)

I knocked myself out lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 19:51, 1 reply)

Definitely the best "glass of water" you will ever have.
This has been my secret recipe for years and has never failed to dazzle and amaze the sophisticated types who I regularly entertain. First you need a tap. I don't expect many b3tans will have one so maybe just find a puddle. Then you take a "glass" or a mug or a cup. Then the real secret is to put the water into the cup and - this is the secret - only put in as much as the vessel will hold. I made that mistake many many times.

Then stick a weebl up yer snatch.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 19:33, 10 replies)

Super mega awesum t'interwebz toast LOL!
Get some bread. Any amount between a crumb and eight loaves is fine. Toast it

Next put butter on it. Four pallets of the stuff or a tiny scrape, who gives a shit?

Ok chef, now you're in super awesome pearoast mode which is deffo in your top ten modes.

Now pretend you're some kind of fucking garlic farmer. You will get 'mad props' for this. Guaranteed.

Put on your balloon hat. Lookin fly, homes!

It's now time to exploit some emotionally damaged biffas with sexualised childhood issues.

Et voila! You are now a complete fucking idiot entirely without self-awareness. The whole world is laughing at you. Bon appetit!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 18:51, 32 replies)

Knick Knick
Who's there?
Just let us in Mr Davidson.
( unclepills Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 16:40, Reply)

when you're pissed
there's nothing better than a small iceland pizza on a butty. yes, i know it's bread on bread, but it's disturbingly tasty, especially with hot sauce.
also, the red dwarf special(triple fried egg, chilli sauce and chutney sandwich) is another delicious after-pub food
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 16:21, 9 replies)

Knock knock.
who's there?
Avon lady yer door bell's fucked.
(Ishapian, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 16:19, Reply)

No up to kaptinkurtz's standard
But I made this for my daughter's birthday:


(Just the cake, not the plastic zebra)
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 16:10, Reply)

Shameless Pea
Last year I made a giant sized toffee crisp. It was delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVbHoxssSKM

It took me all weekend and I hand-painted the wrapper all by myself.
The lady I gave it to was very pleased. She used to eat a toffee crisp every day for lunch.
(corruptia, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:55, Reply)

Open this bloody door Dave Edmunds!
I know you're in there!
( Pig Bodine., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:52, 1 reply)

i made a cake


and was rightly proud of it too
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 15:00, 15 replies)

Knock knock.
Knockin' on heaven's door.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:54, 6 replies)

Larry Hagman's grass cookie recipe
1 oz not too green or dry ground to a fine powder in coffee grinder.
1/2 lb butter
3 cups oatmeal
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs (1 goose egg)
1 teaspoon vanilla
11/2 cups plain flour
11/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup raisons
1/2 cup dried cherries
1/2 cup walnuts
Method
Melt butter do not boil, cook slowly add green stuff and stir every 15
minutes for at least 2 hours. Leave to cool.

Beat butter and sugar until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla and beat well.
Combine and add flour, salt, cinnamon , baking soda, nuts , cherries,
raisons etc., mix well.

Drop a tablespoon of the batter over a baking tray. If too thick add water and bake for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown.

Should make 4 dozen

[After some experimentation, I halved the amount of grass, upped the number of cookies and let the butter keep warm longer with a lid on in between stirrings. You might also want to put in more fruit/take away walnuts to keep it moist and definitely, DEFINITELY test a half of one first without drinking or taking anything else to see how it goes. Also, there's no harm in opening the oven to check after a only a few minutes to see how they are doing especially as the undersides can burn and ruin your batch. Use a silicone spatula thing and be very careful of licking the spoon. When testing, wait up to an hour and a half before considering testing a whole one. And yes, that's how he spelled 'raisins'.]


edit: after they're cooled you can freeze them, even vacuum-pack them first if you have good bags and a good intake of breath. keeps long time.
( unclepills Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 14:37, 5 replies)

Knock, knock.
Who's there.
The bailiffs, we've come to ensure you rip up your bank card.
:(
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 13:26, 2 replies)

Knock Knock?
Who's there?

Spitonmush.

If you insist...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 13:22, 3 replies)

Honest question B3tans...
When someone's knocked at your door, have you ever actually tried shouting "Who's there?" through the door? I might give it a go...
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 12:05, 10 replies)

Octopussy
After being inspired by a romantic Tapas dinner for two in Spain where we partook of lightly grilled baby octopus i decided when i got back home to have a go at cooking it for myself. After procuring the carcass of said beasty from the fishmongers I trawled the interwebs for a recipe and set about my task.
I cleaned it out and because this octopus was an adult set about boiling it to tenderise it..... for an hour and a half. Now octopus though it tastes divine is not the best looking of dishes and what was bubbling to the surface in that pot looked like it had dropped straight from Great Cthulhus loins and been fished up from R'lyeh before being ass raped by one of Gigers aliens. Seriously i had to keep the lid on the pot in case it decided to get all huggy with my face.

After it had boiled for an hour and a half i marinaded it in sea salt, white wine vinegar and oregano before grilling for another 15 minutes. It was an awful lot of effort for part of a tapas dish but it was worth it and on the plus side everyone got a leg.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:54, 18 replies)

Nyom Nyom.
Who's there?
Nyom Nyom.
You're gone.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:48, Reply)

u
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:47, 7 replies)

Knock Knock?
Who's there?

An actual QOTW story...

Just after university I did a lot of temp work. It wasn't bad, there were plenty of jobs for a smartly-dressed young graduate. I'd signed up with a bunch of agencies and they sent all over the place - filing for banks, data-inputting for large insurance companies, working reception for large office buildings, etc, etc.

I was paid monthly, the agencies totaling up all the hours I'd put on the various assignments. Trouble with that was, I'd be flat broke within days of being paid. So I hit upon the perfect scam.

Lunchtimes. As the temp, I'd often be corralled into taking lunch orders. I'd go from desk to desk, writing down orders and collecting cash. I did this diligently at every place I worked at, even offering my services if no one asked me.

And then one day, at a big finance company, temptation overcame me. I piped up around midday and asked everyone in the huge open-plan office if I could get their lunch. 20 minutes later I had a pad full of requests and a pocket full of cash. 60 minutes later I still had a pocket full of cash - but the poor City boys and girls had no lunch, and no temp.

Over the next few weeks, at multiple work placements, I repeated the trick. The amazing thing was, the agencies took ages to cotton on, they still paid me my temp salary and in some places I was coining over £100 in lunch money!

Slowly but surely the clients complained (and obviously I could never work in the same place twice) - but for a large part of that glorious summer I was often clearing £100 a day in cash PLUS my standard £8 p/h. At one bank in Canary Wharf (rhymes with Barclays), two of the traders gave me fifties!

My only regret is that I never got to see their faces when they realised the change wasn't coming.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 11:14, 29 replies)

Had some batter left over from deep-frying some Haddock.
I present to you.... the delicacy that is the Deep Fried Battered Greggs Sausage Roll!



( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:36, 36 replies)

Super bastard awesome cabbage
You'll need:
A couple of savoy cabbages
2-3 onions
About as much garlic as you can lay your hands on
Vegetable/sunflower oil
Bacon
Salt, pepper etc.

Finely chop your garlic and onions and put them in a large wok, along with your salt, pepper and a bit of oil. Chop the bacon into little bits and add that, let it cook until it all smells delicious. Then thinly slice the savoy cabbage - about a quarter of a cabbage per person eating - and add that to the wok. Keep stir-frying until the edges of the cabbage are just slightly burnt.

Serve with a roast or anything you fancy it with, really. When I started cooking this at home me and the missus were getting through two or three cabbages a week, it's that delicious.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:18, 32 replies)

Eggs Royale from Cafe North in Manchester.
The eggs cooked just enough to avoid and sliminess but allow a soft yolk and fluffy whites; a generous portion of lovingly-cooked salmon; an English muffin toasted carefully to give a nice crispness but retain softness; fresh, crispy spinach and a sauce just rich enough to add a luxury and tie thing together without feeling too heavy for a morning's breaking of the fast.
Sadly I think the place has closed down and I don't tend to visit Manchester all that often anyhow so I may never have the dish again (I'm too cack-handed to dare try poaching eggs and have no idea what they put in their take on hollandaise).
If it's still there though I can heartily recommend the full English also as well as the smoothies if you're feeling healthy or just want something other than the usual tea or coffee (which they do also) to cure your hangover.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 10:00, 3 replies)

Knock knock,
Who's there?

Dr!
(Headsbollockskuntz, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 9:40, 4 replies)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Australian culture.
Australian culture who?
...
...
Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Must have been the wind.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 9:22, 5 replies)