If you're going to use ice cream in sex
stick to vanilla.

Let's just say that sticky things, like chocolate or fudge, and body hair are not a pleasant combination.

And that was just my wife!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 20:36, Reply)

On seafood
Valentine’s Day 2006

I treated the now ex Smurfette to a very special, homemade, candle lit dinner.

The entrée was Oysters. I'd travelled all the way to West Mersea that lunchtime to pick them up, carried them home in their little polystyrene box and immediately put them on ice. I'd had Oysters several times in my life, but knowing Smurfette had never had them, I thought it would be quite special. Whilst I'd never experienced the aphrodisiac effect, I thought she might.

The following courses were equally spectacular, but I won’t go in to them as they have no relevance to the story (but I am a damn good cook, even if I do say so myself).

The night was a hit. I taught Smurfette how to shuck* an oyster and we downed 4 each before the starter was ready. The remaining 4 went back on ice in the fridge.

Skip 2 hours....

Dessert finished (homemade coconut ice cream), the candles beginning to gutter, we headed towards the bedroom.

Feeling a bit kinky, she suggested I eat one of the remaining Oysters out of her naval. Obviously I would rather have had more ice-cream from mentioned orifice, but we'd gobbled the lot and maybe the fabled aphrodisiac was working on her. So I agreed. And then I did another. And then she did two from mine (despite much squirming as I'm always worried it will come unscrewed and things will fall out).

And then other stuff happened, but I'm nowhere near as good as writing sex stories as some on here, so I won’t even try.

But the next morning. Woh is us.

We both wake up feeling a bit iffy. Smurfette heads to the toilet and I hear the retching. I drag myself out of the bed and offer to 'hold her hair' (being a modern man and all that). "Noooooooooooo" is the response I get. Then I hear, what I think is a desperately needed pee. How mistaken I am. "Ooooo I'm not well" says Smurfette heading past me on the way back to bed.

Once again, being modern man (or possibly my mother) I offer to go downstairs and grab the mop bucket for her if she's not well. I'll even include the savlon mixed with water in the bottom of it (ok, so I have Edwardian floorboards in my bedroom and had visions of vomit getting between the gaps and never being able to get it out).

Then it was my turn.

I have never, ever, pissed from my arse before. I think only those who have truly had food poising before can sympathise with this.

I'm not talking your upset tummy, might spray a bit with farting, still slightly lumpy, diarrhoea (hey, I spelt it right first time!). I'm talking pure liquid faeces (didn't spell that right first time!) that comes at regular intervals with the force of a tsunami.

On the way back to bed, I aimed downstairs to grab the mop bucket, if not for her, for me.

At this point I'm still sans clothing, as I like to sleep that way.

I get back to the bedroom with the bucket. As I step through the bedroom door I feel the stirrings in the lower chest.

"Hwwwwuuuuuuchhhhhhh" I say, projecting a stream of vomit in to the bucket.

"I'm hwwwwuuuuuuuchhhhh sorry" I say as I stand naked in the doorway, another jet of vomit landing in the bucket.

"Where hwwwwwuuuuuuch did those underpants come from, I don't remember eating those hwwwwwuuuuuuuuuch"? I say trying to add humour to the situation.

"I hwwwwuuuuuuuch love you" as another jet erupts from my throat.

And then I start to laugh as I realise just how unattractive I must look. Standing in the door way, naked, holding a mop bucket under my chin, whilst trying to converse and apologise between retches.

And then Smurfette starts to laugh. And promptly shits the bed.


*kinda like the noise you make when eating them.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 20:34, 10 replies)

French birds and carrots.
Carved carrot, put it up her chuff - she loved it. Wanted it hard and fast, a few weeks pass, we try again - 3 minutes in - she starts crying, as she felt she was being violated.

Smucking French... always surrender.

Length, well in this case width and depth - she could take a fist.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 19:14, Reply)

A deep-friend banana
looks like someone combined sex and food in the wrong way.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:47, Reply)

Salad Shocker
Many years ago I shared a house with 3 other guys 2 of whom were a very nice gay couple (lets call them Tim and Andy) and another guy who didn't really approve and claimed to be ultra straight, to cut a long story down to size I was working in the West Country one w/end and the gay couple went to Tims parents for the weekend leaving mr straight all alone.
I came back Sunday evening with the prospect of my w/end starting the following day so no work lets go have a couple of beers, I am at the bar when in walks Tim and Andy couple of hours later, time to go home we leave our cars and take the short walk back to the house we let our selves in and the sight that greeted us was too awful to behold, there was mr straight with his cock stuck into a sizeable melon fucking away while pleasuring him self anally with a courgette and calling out at the same time "Andy you make me so fucking horny" we stood and watched this spectacle for about 5 minutes before announcing our presence, he took flight we didn't see him for 3 days.
Took me a long time befor i could look at a melon in the same way my gay friends thought it was hilarious, because every time we had dinner they would shout "what no melon starter" courgettes were off the menu as well.
(raith50, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:27, Reply)

I've been told
that if you pop a chocolate button between your partner's buttocks when they are asleep, when they wake up they will think they've shat themselves.

This is only sexual if you are German though.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:25, 4 replies)

We once ran home at 3am,
after borrowing some cake tins from a friend, with the plan to bake a victoria sandwich then cover each other in it and have sex. By the time we'd preheated the oven, mixed and baked the cake and I'd intricately sliced it in half and filled it with butter cream, the mood had died somewhat, so we kinda just left it to cool and went to bed..
( valoukh newsgash.wordpress.com, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:12, Reply)

There is a couple....
- The usual collection of cream (squirty or otherwise)
- Ice Dildo (fill johnny with water, hang in freezer, peel johny off... Made a bloody good afternoon)
- Fruit (banana, peeled and unpeeled. Unpeeled in a johnny feels quite nice)
- Galaxy chocolate/Minstrels
- Milky way

All very good fun... Just remember to clean up afterwards.
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:08, 6 replies)

Can't
Believe I forgot about this for the majority of the week.

Having unusually spent 5 minutes poking around the missus with the ham cannon, I had ‘arrived’, peeled off the contraceptive, and disposed of. Missus may or may not have taken a soft fwap to the face with it.

Besides the point – I’d disposed of. There’s never anywhere decent to put a used jonnie is there? A coke can was used this time.

Later, missus has gone home, I’m having a nice lonesome smoke, and I feel a bit parched. Hmm, what’s this? Some coke, left in the can! Yayyy!


Nooooo…
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 16:58, 7 replies)

@9/11 Americans
A Canadian Ex once gave me a very small bottle of Maple Syrup. Did I miss some message?

It is still in the fridge! Is it cheating to use it on the current gf?

Or vague 3some?
(Biff..., Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:36, 8 replies)

Postman! Pat! Strikes! Back!
Once upon a time, a girl I were getting kinda friendly. We'd struck up a healthy relationship, and we were experimenting, as you do.

I had the idea, enthusiastically endorsed by her, of inserting an ice lolly into her. So one, evening, she was tied prone (no pun intended), and I went to work. With a Postman Pat lolly. That was seconds out of the freezer.

Anyhow, she froze to it, shouted, screamed and was generally miserable with me for some time.

Needless to say, it was a while before I got laid again as ice seemingly burns when applied to moist flesh. Although, with hindsight, this could well be an excuse not to sleep with me as I'd caused her some mild discomfort. I may dig out her number and ask her, thinking about it.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:24, 6 replies)

T'was in the early days of the relationship...
Playing with the to be Mrs Bof...
Tried the ubiquitous chocolate body paint....
The problem was no advance thinking...
She's African...
Took me bloody ages to find it all...
Ahhh... much fun....
(bof, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:04, 1 reply)

On the bus through one of the less salubrious areas of London, 2 boys of about 12-13 got on.
Immediately their loud conversation turned to boasts of their sexual conquests.

A couple of minutes in, the one who looked like a chain smoking foetus produced his trump card in their game of 'then I put it up 'er' one-upmanship stating that his girlfriend had 'sworn on her mum's life that she'd let him have food sex with her'.

As the other chatter on the bus dwindled into a disgusted but interested silence he graphically explained what he would spread on her and where... as I got off at my stop him and his friend were discussing the relative merits of crunchy vs smooth peanut butter in terms of tastiness and added friction.

Seriously... you know it's a rough area when a 13 year old needs crunchy peanut butter to feel the sides of his pre-pubescent girlfriend's clunge.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 14:12, 3 replies)

One of my favourites...
Dark chocolate, lindt 70% dark with mint oil for personal preference.

The object of your desires is laid out someplace comfy and given strict orders not to wriggle* then one corner of a square of chocolate can be used like a crayon to draw on the warm canvas set before you.
Loops and swirls, vines, flowers, little baroque accents around the places you want to pay special attention to, etc...

Move slowly and gently, let body heat melt the edge of the chocolate, don't drag it across the skin too harshly.

Then comes either following the lines with kisses, licks and nibbles, carefully removing every trace of artwork until your best beloved is writhing gently and sparkling clean.**
Or relaxing on top of them, pressing skin to naked skin and taking an imprint of the carefully drawn patterns onto yourself before releasing your partner and asking winsomely if they like chocolate too...


*Ropes, chains, or a firm disapproving stare as needed
**For certain values of clean
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:08, 16 replies)

Squirty Cream
Let's face it, most of us have, or will use this in the bedroom at one point in our lives!

Me and the (now ex) missus were having a bit of a play with it, spray on, lick off, as you do. I end up spraying it liberally onto her clunge, and having some fun down there. The problem being that when I moved up, I had cream all round my mouth, leading to her being in absolute hysterics. (Fair play, when I saw, I laughed too!)

After the laughter subsides, she decides she wants to return the favour, so lies next to me, aims the little fella upwards, and goes to town on it! This is followed by her reapplying the cream a couple more times. All is going well, until she decides she's not had any action for a while, and proceeds to climb over, and lower herself onto my tongue. Winner, as some say!

However, in this position, she can't lean as well, so she's taking her weight on one arm, while trying to decorate me. As she is leaning down to continue to apply more, I must have hit the right spot, as she twitched, ramming the nozzle into my japs eye. As she's covering my mouth, I can't really make much noise, but she thinks I'm enjoying this, and grinds her hips down a little harder.

Then, she starts to press the button again, sending pressurised air and cream down the shaft, leading to me physically throwing her off the bed. It. Seriously. Fucking. Hurt.

Lesson to learn? When using anything with compressed air, make sure she's got a steady wrist.

Length? After that, nonexistent!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:06, 5 replies)

Syrupy goodness
I once thought it would be fun to add a little foody fun and mess to sex. Picked up the maple syrup and poured a little on my girlfriends breasts for me to lick off - we both pulled serious cat-face at the lumps of white-and-green mold I'd just poured onto her skin. :-p

Maple syrup still makes us giggle now - and the moral is: check the date AND LOOK INSIDE THE BOTTLE of whatever you're going to pour.
(9/11 americans don't find me funny, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:02, 2 replies)

My one and only
experience of food-related sexual deviance occurred after giving an ex a hand shandy.

The only thing I can say about the experience is that Wine Gums don't really taste much different when they're covered in baby gravy.
(Prawn, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:46, Reply)

Strawberries
My girlfriend decided to be a little kinky last night and put on some sexy underwear. She asked me to bring up some strawberries so I did and was greeted by my mistress with some tape with which she decided to use to tie me to the bed with. All was going great until she spilled the strawberries everywhere and having my hands tied to the bed I couldn't keep it up by myself. My clothes on the floor got very wet from the strawberries.
(madstanners, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:41, 8 replies)

Orgasmic Cheese
I once made a sex-face whilst eating a goat's cheese on toast starter.
( Weejock, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:01, 1 reply)

Kahlua
1) Gulp down a mouthful of Kahlua
2) Take a smaller sip into your mouth and hold it there
3) Lower your mouth onto some waiting lady bits
4) Perform cunnilingus as usual, being careful to keep Kahlua in mouth and not leak it onto said labia
5) Enjoy applause after making your companion orgasm twice as hard as usual in less than half the time.

*the two-sip approach helps stop excess saliva as the Kahlua is very syrupy and can shock the saliva glands into overproduction.
(octopuspie, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Monster Munch
A mate of mine did the obligatory shag with a crisp packet johnny.

He insists it was a big eat packet.
(Bezerker, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 11:37, Reply)

LeeAnn and Shelly
LeAnn and Shelly (for those were their names) were very good friends indeed.

As young teenager girls do, they talked about boys, pop stars, homework, parents, and sex.

As Shelly slept over at LeAnn’s house, they decided that a bit of misguided sexual experimentation was necessary. LeAnn went to the freezer and grabbed some frozen hot dogs, the nearest thing available to an erect penis. They performed the expected act with these tubes of processed meats but, after a certain period of being inserted into an orifice of body temperature, the frozen hot dogs became very lukewarm. Their structural integrity was weakened and, after one last thrust, a hot dog broke off inside poor LeAnn.

Now, this was in the United States. You can’t just hop down to your local A&E for a hotdogectomy. Such a procedure could bankrupt a person, so they put their teenage heads together and came up with a viable Option 2: visit the neighbor, a male nurse, and have him remove the meat from the mimsy. It wasn’t without effort, though. To assume that one’s first sexual experience would end in a man elbow deep in your ladyguts in order to fish out some lunch meat is entirely unthinkable.

The operation was successful and LeAnn thought the worst of it was over. However, the nurse was the older brother of a fellow schoolmate and he, as one might do, rang his younger sister in hysterics. When Monday morning rolled around, the entire school knew that LeeAnn had sex with frozen hot dogs. Shelly, bless her, regaled a rapt audience of 13 years olds with tales of LeeAnn’s sexcapades. Poor LeeAnn became the laughing stock of the school while Shelly rode high, for she bore witness to the hilarity. LeeAnn dropped out of school and, the last I heard of her, she was a methhead. Shelly went on to university and got a good job in Texas. Their paths split the moment that hot dog broke.

The thing is, Shelly, too, had waggled a hot dog around inside her vagina. Both had sex with hot dogs, but only one suffered the misfortune of an accident. We all bullied the one who had the mishap, with most of the cruel finger pointing coming from Shelly, whose vagina was equally as guilty.

So that was the tale of two girls, two hot dogs, one broken meatstick and one broken life.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 10:09, 10 replies)

Just remembered this one
With all the urban legends popping up this week, thought i'd chuck this one in. As it's Monday and I'm lazy, have a link.

www.snopes.com/risque/juvenile/lobster.asp

it's the one about Lobster wanking. It's true, it happened to my mate's mum's best friend's daughter.

EDIT: Lobster counts as food right? Even though it's technically not that easy to eat when it's alive...
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 9:05, 7 replies)

Only one I can think of at the moment...
An ex (and still sometime shag) and I enjoy getting down to some sexytime using a bottle of Baileys (no, no, no - the bottle isn't involved).
Now I hate the stuff, but when drunk from the furry cup (well, not quite so furry - but you get the idea) it's FECKING LOVELY!
( snee held his breath since, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 8:40, 1 reply)

Not sure if on-topic or not, but...
Am I the only one who found the rabbit from the Cadbury's Caramel advert strangely arousing? Yes? Oh dear...
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 5:35, 9 replies)

Why?!
A friend of a friend was getting a little amorous with a girl one day; all is going well until he reaches into the bedside drawer and discovers that he has run out of rubbers. Ever the resourceful chap he realises that nearby in the bin is a snickers wrapper, a little fiddling with an elastic band and wayhay! back in business. Before long our hero is plugging away at the girl, no doubt with Macgyver nodding approvingly from the tellybox.
(Jimmai, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 23:58, 11 replies)

Cock Yoghurt
My former work mate Deano was a right sexual deviant and he would tell everyone about his quests at the weekends. This time he came into work with a considerable limp.

What happened was he was with his lass and they were experimenting with food. Well she wanted to dip his cock in yoghurt and suck it off. But Deano didn't like it claiming the yoghurt which was fresh out of the fridge was too cold for him.

He had a brain wave. He put the yoghurt in the microwave to warm it up a bit. When he took it out he tested the top of the yoghurt with his finger and it was warm. So what does he do? Shoved his cock into the yoghurt pot.

Unfortenatly for Deano was that the middle of the yoghurt pot was a molten froth of dairy lava, not the warm surface he expected.

What did Deano get out of this, well a very quick lesson in microwave physics and a rather spectacular scalded bell end.
(fearsome mumbler is shit at telling stories, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 23:09, 6 replies)

As cool as ........
As i alluded to last week Im close to someone who is a radiographer . With that in mind i heard a first hand account of the following.
One saturday night patient X presents himself to A & E with a bit of a problem. It seems that he has a cucumber firmly stuck up his arse.

He was very open and honest about the incident. Apparantly it had been up there for 3 days and now he was feeling a bit backed up. His exact words to the staff were "Normally i can shit 'em out myself but this was a big bastard"

A quick check through his medical history revealed that this was not the first time he had been in for surgical removal of a foreign body. As fate would have it a couple of hours later they were Xraying another person also with a cucumber lodged up the rusty sherrifs badge.
For the record there was a full moon that night.
(welgar, Sun 9 Aug 2009, 21:48, 2 replies)

Sod it.
I once beat up Mr T and took his packed lunch.
Then I went home and ate the packed lunch off the back of a supermodel I then shagged whilst on speed and other drugs and it was awesome and it's real because.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Sun 9 Aug 2009, 21:16, 3 replies)