Oh dear.....
Been lurking a while but couldn’t pass up this gem…...
A friend at uni, let’s call him Pat, is a bit of a lightweight when it comes to the beer. This however doesn’t stop him partaking and probably explains why he’s had to resit his entire 2nd year twice, but that’s another story. Anyways, one night I went round to his student digs he shares with a few of my Biology coursemates and 4 of us got though the WHOLE bottle of vodka I took round. Very quickly. Having a great night we decided to keep going and got to the off license before it closed, got a crate of beer, another bottle of vodka and some cola as mixer. After the 2nd bottle of vodka had gone as well as most of the beer, another housemate came home with a couple of ‘herbal cigarettes’ which went down nicely. “What happened to Pat?” you whisper among yourselves. Well…………….
I had been making sure Pat had partaken of mammoth drinks all night, you know the kind- vodka with a dash of cola for colour.
He was barely alive. So we got him upstairs and left him passed out. He awoke and came crashing downstairs fell into the room and almost through the window. Obviously in a real state and completely at our mercy, we did what any real friends would do: convinced him to have his hair shaved off. The hair he had been growing for 6 months. He passed out coma style half way through so we left it as a Mohican and drew all over his face in green marker pens. Which seemed okay at the time.

The next morning he found his new hairstyle and managed to scrub most of his face clean before getting to work. He missed the ‘I love men’ written across his scalp and the large green cock I drew behind his right ear. His Area Manager at work had to point them out to him during an inspection. Strangely, all my accomplices blamed me when he confronted us later. He said just these words “Too far mate”.
As he kneed me in the balls.

Obligatory apologies for length.
If it's any consolation, my penis is only 3 inches....but some girls like it that wide. Sorry.
(Katana01 It's all fun and games 'til someone gets hurt, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:29, Reply)

Chips
My brother also once ate so many chips at Harvester restaurant that he started crying and had to go outside for air.
(yiddo, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Eggs

Me and my sister were once arguing with my brother about whether or not he liked boiled eggs. While we were bickering my sister crept up behind him and rubbed a peeled hardboiled egg down his face; he screamed and threw his sandwich at the wall. That was justified, but the egg thing was a bit much.
(yiddo, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:27, Reply)

she's a tryer.
i sold my girlfriends wheelchair, then put her in a cupboard at the top of the stairs, chained to the radiator. she's not going too far.
(Jeeves, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Back in the day when acid was my drug of choice…
It was a beautiful sunny evening in the Cotswolds, myself and five friends decided that it would be a great evening to have a mellow trip in the fields surrounding Burford. All was going well… lying down, looking at the stars changing colours and making weird patterns in the cloudless sky. But someone was missing…

It turned out that the person who had done the purchasing of the trips didn’t quite have his head screwed on when the deal was done and had basically ingested a bit more than everyone else. He was found sitting in the front room of a mate’s house, not looking like a happy chappy. In moments of lucidity he was saying every leaf in the hedge was like Pinhead from Hellraiser… He also said that some chilled music would be the way forwards, so, on went The Doors. I didn’t have to go as far as to put it on a loop while I carried on tripping outside, nor to finish him off with something from the Butthole Surfers.

Poor Clifford Wattlebush, I wonder what became of him...
(Tibbins, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:18, Reply)

Knees
at the tender age of 18, following many bouts of unexplained belly traumas the doc thought it was time for an arse check.

as if it isnt bad enough to be curled up on your side with a docs finger up your chuff, the phrase "draw your knees up a little more for me" was too far.

as was feelin his knuckles on my arse cheeks.

*shivers*
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:17, Reply)

More Twat Uni people
.
I went out with girl who lived in halls once who had one of the most miserable, pedantic, non-sharing mean flatmates you could ever imagine.

They had a shared kitchen and *every* single thing belonging to this girl was labelled.

Cathy's milk
Cathy's butter
Cathy's tea
Cathy's tea-pot
Cathy's saucepan.

I'm sure that some of you who've lived in shared houses have come across this sub-species of human.

Anyway, one night me and gf and a bunch of mates arrived back from a club and drunkenly decided to help out Cathy a bit. So we labelled *everything* in the kitchen.

Cathy's wall
Cathy's floor
Cathy's ceiling
Cathy's light bulb.

If you could stick a label on it, it got the treatment. But Stu had to go that little bit too far. He was speeding off his tits and sat up all night and individually labelled her teabags. But that wasn't where he went too far. He actually sat at the kitchen table with a roll of masking tape and carefully stuck a single grain of sugar to a bit of masking tape and labelled it Cathy's sugar. An entire two pound bag.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:16, Reply)

House parties
are one of my specialities (sic) and I tend to be the one who gets pissed up early on, raises a bit of havoc with a few pals and then falls asleep at around 1am.

One that stickis in my mind was a few years back at a 'friends' party (I barely knew the guy) and the majority of people had gone upstairs to watch a DVD, leaving me and a few others to our own devices. We ventured into the back garden and proceeded to (in no particular order): throw his table and chairs into neighbouring gardens, throw plants/plant pots/ornaments at the houses behind, chuck beers at neighbours windows, feed his fish copious amounts of whisky (they survived), try to do a beer funnel 3 cans at a time which ended up flooding his kitchen, and one of our entourage managed to get covered in an entire tub of chocolate ice cream, ruining some furniture in the process.

We left sharpish and never looked back. If you're reading this, I left my jumper at yours and I want it back.
( McBadger COW, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:12, Reply)

lost time.
I lost my wrist watch in my girlfriend. I went too far.
(Jeeves, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:11, Reply)

Another Scary Dave...
Very bizarre that I have a mate called Scary Dave too - and again he frequently goes too far. He is a respectable(ish) school teacher by day but a beer swilling womaniser by night - no problem with that. Well, no problem till I get text messages in the morning saying "Shagged the Headmaster's daughter up the arse last night - she weren't much cop". He also has a thing about getting it on with the moms of the kids at school. But the worst gone too far moment was when he rang my mate asking for a lift into work and when my mate arrived at the door he was wearing nothing but a posing pouch and a bearskin hat. My mate was traumatised for weeks and I vomited heavily as he described the scene...
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Twat uni "friends"
Many moons ago at uni, I had the misfortune to share a house with what can only be described as the Munsters. Mainly, it was ok, but one of them had a v dodgy friend (let's call him Dave) who was the size of the proverbial brick shithouse, scarily fond of vodka, hated women, and was homophobic to the point of it being like he was trying to hide something about himself. Anyway, another of the Munsters (let's call him Rick) was partial to a bit of bum-fun and this didn't go down too well with Dave.

One night while Rick was out, me and the Munsters had gone to le pub, downed lots of drinks and headed home. Dave decided it would be oh-so-fun to sabotage Rick's bedroom door and proceeded to plonk random household crap outside his door, which was reasonably amusing. But then he decided to go online to find lots of pics of gay men - v disturbing pics though - and plastered these all over Rick's door. I didn't like this so toddled off to bed. Dave then took it upon himself to nail bits of wood (torn off the fence) across the door so that Rick wouldn't get in. Dave then put even more pics of men and children etc all over the wood and then passed out.

When Rick came back early hours of the morning he understandably went ape shit, kicking in the bedroom doors of the other munsters and generally going doolally.

All worked out in the end though but I reckon there was a fair bit of going too far there!
(angelica666, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 15:04, Reply)

On the train
On the way to visit my brother in Wales, I accidentally missed my stop at Wolverhampton and had to get a train from Birmingham.
Which was cancelled.
An announcement told me that the train to Liverpool would be my next step in the right direction, but, being an utter twat, I fucked up the whole endeavour and ended up in Liverpool.
I had gone too far.
(Slurpy The Frog, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Gordon
.
Some people in my local think I go a bit too far with an old bloke called Gordon. He retired a few years ago and now spends most of his life drinking in the local pubs. nice life if you can get it.

But ever since he retired I've been bugging him.

"You're looking a bit peaky Gordon. I don't think you've too long left. You know most blokes die with two years of retiring?"

and

"Starting to get cold Gordan. At your age, it could whisk you away like a shot. You'll be pottering around your kitchen, a draft will get you and you'll have flu and be dead before the weeks out."

But when I went a little too far was when I brought Gordan a gift-wrapped parcel.

"Thought I better give you your Xmas present now mate" I said "You're not looking too well and I don't think you're going to make Xmas this year"

It was August

Cheers

EDIT -Hey Wascally Weasle? - Play moisty for me......
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:53, Reply)

lots of these
My friend had a load left over in his stash and decided to make some cakes. Instead of using just a bit he went too far and used.. well.. all of it.
Luckily he tried them himself first because he eneded up in hospital.
( SiX and his hat, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:50, Reply)

oh dear
Most of our going to far issues are usually pub conversations that descend into mentioning dead grandmothers, a spade and some wire.

But a few things that drift horribly into the fray.

A long time ago in a village far far away we were on the local common hacking about with a few golf balls and random clubs, after being thrown off of the cricket square by an indignant adult for taking chunks out of it someone found a frog hopping its merry little way along.

Frog was stunned, laid on the grass, friend grasps club and aims at indignant adult.
Swing, splat, slodgey green mess wings past his ear. "OI!! COME 'ERE YOU LITTLE BARSTEWARDS" many cases of legging it ensued

I know someone who thought it would be funny to set fire to a hedgehog at a party as well, boy he got an almighty pummelling (i swear there was a queue to put the boot in)
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:50, Reply)

drunken night out.
nightbus home.
fell asleep.
woke up past my stop.
Yep, I'd gone too far.

sorry!
(Handel blah blah blah, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:49, Reply)

H'oh no ya don't
So I says to him I says: ‘Austria – OK, fair do’s; Alsasce-Lorraine…meh; the Sudentenland, we can live with but friggin’ Poland!!!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Uni housemate (oh dear christ)
We had a treky, oily, stinky housemate called Ric in the first year of uni.
We decided to play a trick on him as he was a nob by cutting the ariel wire to his tv so when he watched DS9 we could make the TV cut out at will so he would get very annoyed. This is where I opted out and left the others too it (apart from pissing on his clean washing but thats another story).
They decided to put Daz in his sugar, lock him IN his room and worst of all and unforgivable really, broke into his room and took the condom he had (which in all fairness he would probably never use) and stuck a neddle through the packaging so i came out the other side! I mean thats about as over the top as you can get.
Still if he did get aids then never mind eh.
( SiX and his hat, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:47, Reply)

Scary Dave
Not exactly a friend, but someone I used to work with, that for safety purposes we shall refer to as 'Scary Dave'. He often went far too far in conversation, giving you far too much detail and suggested things you really didn't want to know about.

To give you a clue what he was like, he came in to work one day and said "I'm bored".

"What with?"

"My new girlfriend. I've come on her face, fucked her up the arse, now I'm bored."

He had been going out with her for a week.

Sadly, he gets worse.

One day, Scary Dave was giving me a lift home from work as we both lived in the same bit of NW London. We were sitting at the lights as an attractive woman walked past. I glanced, Dave stared. And stared.

And then said, "Right here's the plan! We drive past her, you leap out, hit her over the back of the head with your mobile phone, I bundle her into the boot, we drive her back to mine and we fuck her."

"Er, I think we'll probably get caught" (the fact that it would be immoral, evil and wrong would be too long and complex a theory to get through to Dave).

"Oh, sure we'll get caught" he said, grinning "but we'll get to fuck *her*".

"Um, any chance you could let me out here Dave?"

I still expect to see him on the news, in fact I did once ring Crimestoppers when a photofit of a guy a bit like him was on it. Sadly that wasn't the worst Scay Dave story. The worst Scary Dave story was "Moisty in a box". Don't ask.

*we had huge phones for work back when they were still relatively new
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Stink bombs
I managed to aquire a pack at the age of about 8 or 9 and my friends and I caused a lot of stuff to smell very bad including the toilets at school where they took the plumbing apart to see what was smelling so bad... anyway. We were bored as usual and only had one left so we decided to do something extra special. We cracked open the last one, put it in a bottle and lobbed it through a window of a house by an ally. It just so happens that this was the house of a girl at school (oops) and that they had just re-decorated their bathroom which now stank and had paint being burnt off by amonium sulphate.
Lets just say her mym was extrememly mad and the girl went into a recluse state for.. well.. ever :(

(Sorry Susan if your reading this)
( SiX and his hat, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:39, Reply)

Only Problem
With this question is what I can write about without:

a) Shocking all of the readers or

b) Having the police kick down my door and haul me away.

So I'll have to be a bit careful.

So a tale about my ex-wife should be safe enough.

After a bitter and nasty divorce, I wasn't, and still aren't, on best terms with my ex-wife. It's all the more difficult as we live in the same tiny village and drink in the same pubs. So childish verbal sniping seems to be the order of the day.

One of my first attacks was recording a song called "Too Many Pasties" and playing down my local pub - my ex has a bit of a weight problem. Think egg-on-legs. But the time I went a little over the top was when she was in the pub with a crowd of her mates.

I was at the bar talking to a couple of blokes, one of who had shagged her while we were still married. (She was that sort of a girl...). Anyway, this bloke said:

"Had a bit of luck today. Found a fiver in the gutter"

"Yeah?" I said. "Last thing I found in the gutter I ended up marrying"

In a voice that carried right around the bar. Ex looked mortified and if looks could kill I'd be 6 foot under.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:39, Reply)

Cat Sex
I once lived in a flat with a house cat. It never went out (only on one occasion when it froze and shat itself in fear). When rutting season came along and the alleys were full of wails and screeches, the poor female cat would be driven insane with horniness and rub her bottom on me all the time. I couldn't help but notice a pearl of liquid oozing from her overactive feline parts.

I pitied the poor creature and wondered if I couldn't do something. So when my flatmate was out (it was her cat), I obtained a piece of plastic which seemed to correspond exactly to the kitty aperture. And I delicately inserted it thence while holding the scruff of her neck as male cats do with their teeth.

She moaned. She wailed. She writhed. She growled. Then she rolled around ecstatically on her back with legs akimbo, fully satiated. I had done a good deed.

Imagine, then, my feelings of embarrassment as my flatmate walked in to see me with the plastic cat penis poised ... having just heard the moans and groans of her cat.

"You fucked my cat!" she said.

I had gone too far.
(frankspencer, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:37, Reply)

hijacked a plane
... was racing another one... unfortunatley we both went to far/fast and crashed into a building.


did I take that too far?
( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:36, Reply)

Bear smell
When I was little ickle, I had a teddy bear called Edward. I’d had him since I was two and he was my bestest friend. Each night as I went to sleep, I’d cuddle Edward and the smell of the top of his head (I can smell it now, in my mind’s nose) would reassure and calm me. His head was stuffed with sawdust or something and it was a very special smell.

Like a fool I’d mentioned this to my brothers, and one day we were fighting as usual – I was probably about six when I did something to one of my elder brothers, can’t remember what but it was obviously bad…

…in revenge…(sob)…he got Edward and sprayed the top of his head with lemon-fresh air freshener. I can’t remember exactly what happened next, it’s all a haze, but tears, parents, flailing tiny fists were all involved. It took a couple of weeks for the smell to go completely, but eventually it did, and the old smell remained unimpaired.

But that was TOO FAR.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:32, Reply)

Dear God
.
Chthonic - what have you done?

I predict that this QOTW will be one of the best ones yet. With all of the sick bastards here on B3ta, this question will definitely be going a bit too far.

I look forward to the tales this week.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:25, Reply)

We stole 6 gin traps from a local stud farm.
Just the two of us, me and my mate. My mate took on the job of hiding them but foolishly revealed their existence to bigger,
older boy who proceeded to torture said mate into revealing their whereabouts.

Once he'd recovered one of the traps he went and set it behind the school pond and caught the art teachers cat in it :-(

Broken leg for the cat, 6 of the best for all involved. (true story)

(1st - or do people claim 1st then write the story ? edit: obv) HA!
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 14:23, Reply)