I need to say this
but this has been a good day for QOTW. Like QOTW of old.

Kinda brings a tear to my eye, because some of the stories have made me literally weep with laughter.

Well done everyone.

Bring on mixtapes....

...what?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 15:09, 7 replies)

Not so sure this really went beyond taste and decency...
...but it certainly wins in AoE (area of effect) terms.

Bournemouth recently hosted a very over-hyped night of fireworks. We went down early, armed with a picnic blanket and plenty of booze.

Our universally reviled town council had clearly not anticipated the full lure of this festvity - in short order the entire beach was utterly swarming with tourists. And Bournemouth beach is huge.

It was standing room only; even that close to the shore, if you sat down and you could see fuck-all. Our prime spot got surrounded. Gloomily, we gave up on idea of a relaxed night of lying back on our picnic blanket, drinking booze and watching the fireworks, and stood.

Ever see a vast line of people - say about 5 deep - leap back in one move, shrieking and swearing? I have, and I have a large wave to thank for it. Serves them right for nicking our view and standing blithely on the very shoreline, the dim bunch of tools!

We were shrieking with cruel laughter; it nearly made up for the lousy fireworks and incredible traffic jam afterwards.
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:59, 3 replies)

I Havent Laughed So Innappropriately In Years!
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7902348/Transvestite-had-sex-with-a-dog-at-English-Heritage-castle.html

MY good giddy aunt!
(phils1969, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:55, 10 replies)

Charging through an intersection
I noticed two people standing at the corner waiting to cross. Standing by a HUGE puddle. Which I could have avoided. But didn't. No, I aimed at the fat part of the puddle. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a big wall of water cascade over these two people. And I remember me laughing like a jackass about it.

That, and blowing the horn at a blind guy with a cane who was getting ready to cross a side street...
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:52, 10 replies)

Going to hell
This happened a few years back, at a mate's old man's BBQ. Typical grey cloudy Cornish summer, so a group of us had relocated to the summer house in the corner of the garden, and were slowly getting wasted, away from the more mature types at the BBQ.

We were slowly getting merry, when a slightly chubby older guy appeared at the doorway, and said Hi. I'd never met him before but he seemed a bit down. My mate asked how he was doing, and the guy slowly explained that his mum had been ill, and had been in and out of hospital with internal bleeding, and problems with her bowels. Naturally it all went a bit quiet at this point; I just looked down into my beer, not sure where else to look. This went on for 30 seconds, until I noticed that one of my mates was shaking slightly. I looked up, and his face was bright red; he was trying his hardest not to laugh. To my left, another mate was also sniggering away, virtually pissing himself. This got louder and louder until they burst out laughing, unable to stop.

The stranger had wandered off by this point, somehow but thankfully oblivious to my mates.

I asked them what the fuck they were laughing at, as it seemed pretty harsh.

At which point they explained to me just who his mum was.

Her name was Abbie*, and she was "affectionately" known around these parts as "Anal Abbie*", a reputation earned after years of stalking young men at the local nightspot, before dragging them back to her's for a bit of backdoor action.

Seems she'd taken one too many poundings up the wrong un, and was now in a spot of trouble.

*Name changed very slightly to protect the guilty.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:46, Reply)

The Fatty Trap
There was one girl who used to work here who was a right bitch; I don't know if it was coincidence or not but she was the manager of HR too (I think it's a requirement for the post, plus it didn't help that she looked like if Nanny from Count Duckula became a power-office-dresser). I have posted before about her slightly bull approach to situations, and in this particular recollection she had just finished giving someone else a bollocking for something ridiculous (I think it was something to do with using the printer a bit) and she marched off heavy-footed across the floor towards her desk.

She made it about 10 steps. Her last step was on top of a plastic air vent which was on the floor, which literally went "ARRGGGH WHAT THE FUCK?" when she stood on it and snapped into a billion pieces. Her foot and leg went straight down, as it turned out that our office floor is raised about 3 foot above the actual floor and used to conceal all the networking wires for the office. She slid straight through upto the hilt with her other leg sticking out perpendicular, with her body stuck upright with a look of confusion and pain on her face.

It took about 10 seconds before anyone would do over and help her out, and a further 20 seconds for them to help her out. Unfortunately I would've gone over to help, but I was too busy pissing myself laughing at the twunt.

Rather comically our Office Utilities guys couldn't fix it immediately as they didn't have a replacement one spare, so they had to put these yellow signs up and around the hole. I was incredibly tempted to put a sign on there saying "DANGER, FATTY TRAP!" but one of the managers with a sense of humour spotted it before I was able to place it and politely warned me off the idea lol.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I was waiting in an airport departure lounge near a young couple.
The mother had a little girl on her lap who was wide eyed in wonderment at everything in the airport. A black gentelman sat down near us and the little girl piped up, "Look mummy, a monkey!"

I made eye contact with the horrified mother, stood up, marched into the nearest toilets and locked myself in a cubicle where I hope my howling laughter didn't carry.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Does this count?
b3ta.com/talk/6895633
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:30, 11 replies)

I'm of quite slight build.
As a 14 year old, I was barely visible. I was good at cross-country, in cricket I was a pace bowler, and I tended to be the fly half in the rugby team.

And so the rugby match against our rivals arrived, and they won the toss.

The ball flew high, high, high into the air, in a perfect arc towards my out-stretched, waiting arms.

As it arrived I lifted my foot ready to mark my position on catching it, the ball crashed into the cradle of my arms and I flew over backwards landing heavily on my back about a meter away.

Coming 'round all I can remember was the roaring laughter of the entire crowd.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:20, 1 reply)

I feel that I am safely surrounded by a bunch of pervs...
...so I don't mind sharing this one.

'Want to try something different?', said my ex slyly.

Yes, he was to be the coach, and I was to be his wayward footballer. He would then teach me a good hard lesson. With his penis.

Handcuffs were located, a make-shift blindfold was connocted and I rapidly jumped into any kit that looked footballerish. 'Yay, I'm getting some rough kinky sex' I said to myself, and prepared to roleplay a baaad footballer about to get a Deserving Lesson:

'And I'm going to make you my bitch!' he growled, throwing my writhing, helpless body across the bed. So far, so porntastic. In furious animalistic passion he tore off my shirt...

...tried to tear of my shirt...

They make those things pretty damn sturdy, don't they? I expect there is a special company somewhere that makes apparel specifically designed to be torn off people for porn.

Fighting giggles, I was treated to a impromptu bed-bounce as he yanked ineffectually at my shirt. Frustrated and muttering, he stood up to get a different grip...

But instead, he slipped up on the discarded shiny shorts, went straight over sideways, and landed face-first in the tropical fish tank.

I was still blindfolded, so all I got was:

'Damn this bloody thinwhoawaaaAHHRG GLUB GLUB GLUB'

One way or another, that's me doomed to hell...
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 14:17, 1 reply)

A Guy
in our Office - he is about 30st+ very round heavy bloke, looks abit like a very large ball. What makes this worse is that he is actually a very nice person.

One day in work, you know you go through those periods where no-one really speaks and are cracking on with the work.

All of a sudden we heard a Crash bang, then a yelp.
We stood up to see Ian like an up turned turtle rolling from side to side trying to stand up.
He had broken the chair, when i say broken it, i mean crushed. I dont know whether you've tried to, but office chairs are kind of hard to break. The wheels, the arms, the back, all in pieces.

....and next to this pile of broken plastic - a man huffing and puffing on his back

Meanwhile everyone all around the room where wheezing and hiding their faces behind their screens they were laughing so hard.


It must have been so embarrassing for him.


but that's not the worst bit...

This has happened twice to him ....
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:55, 6 replies)

This little guiding light of mine...
My career as a world champion “laugher at inappropriate moments” began as a Girl Guide. A group of us had been asked to present what we had been doing for Thinking Day in a family service in church one Sunday. We’d had a practice session with our guide leader on the Friday evening, where we had stood, en masse, at the top of the steps by the choir stalls and stepped forward one by one to say our prepared speech.

Some of us, precious little shits like me who were way too fond of the sound of our own voice, had skipped forward and delivered our piece in the manner of your average stage school luvvie (I was an exceptionally irritating child, it must be said); some, however, were less confident and had to be continually reminded to keep their voice up and project to the back of the church.

Sunday morning rolls around and we get up to present our talks. After I had finished, one of the quieter members of the group, Claire, got up, with a look of fierce concentration painted across her young face. Clearly desperate to please the guide leader and to remember all she had been told, she took a huge breath in and bellowed,

“MY NAME IS CLAIRE AND FOR MY THINKING DAY PROJECT I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT....”

I still to this day have no idea what she spoke about, as, in her panic to keep her volume up, she had lost all sense of tone and cadence in her voice and was basically shouting in a Stephen Hawking-esque monotone at Brian Blessed levels. It was like a Dalek being projected through the speakers on the main stage at Glastonbury.

I, and my fellow guides lost it. Totally. In front of the whole church. What made it worse was her total oblivion to our mirth, and to the hysteria in front of her as pretty much every single adult in the church was biting their prayer books to try to stop the weeping laughter.

Hell now seems like the only option available to me after this.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:43, Reply)

John Torode
In Celebrity Masterchef. Torode has cooked a mushroom omelette with a load of herbs. The celebs have to guess the ingredients.

Step forward Alex Fletcher of Brookside who stares at the dish and utters the excellent, serious, line:-

"It looks like it's got egg in it... but I'll taste it just to check"

How they didn't burst out laughing is anyone's guess.


Might not be available for very long (takes you straight there):
http://bbc.co.uk/i/t6gzc/"
(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:39, 8 replies)

One time
Someone at work fell of their chair for no other reason I can see than a combination of flapjack consumption and gravity.

I laughed a bit.

Then I logged on here and told you all about it.

Super.
(Pat_Gash, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:32, 1 reply)

Kitteh Grunt
I was sat on the kitchen floor playing with one of those mice-on-a-string-attached-to-a-stick with my little fluffeh mate oly.

Oly is the quieter and leaner of my two kittys, Rufus is his fluffy arsed brother who tends to dive into any game and take over. Oly was therefore enjoying some quality play time for once, sans Rufus.

I was scooting the little mouse around the lino and Oly was flying back and forth trying to catch this nimble but worthy adversary when from nowhere Rufus ran into the room and dove for the mouse.

Now, neither me nor Oly had noticed this approach as the door hid his path and Oly must have had eyes only for the toy. Rufus made an almighty arms stretched long arced dive and landed, belly first on my arm.

The "uuh" sound he made as he promptly sent out all the air in his little lungs was enough to send me into hysterics. This, coupled with the massive miffed look on his face, as if this injustice was MY fault was too much and they both left me laughing like a goon on the kitchen floor.
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:31, 4 replies)

Stag night basement diving
Out in Brighton for a mate's stag do back in the early 90's. Spent the afternoon watching Liverpool beat Sunderland in the FA Cup Final, and collecting the sweepstake on both scorers! After consuming more beer than my frail-for-a-big-man constitution could handle, the inevitable hurl, re-fill on double pie and chips and an impromptu dip in the briney courtesy of my brother (the crude runt!) we decided to head back to our hotel room.

A dry off and a few jazz woodbines later and the mood was suitably mellow. I happened to glance out of the hotel window to see the groom being virtually dragged along the street by the best man and another mate. With much amusement I hailed my brother with "Come and have a look at this mate - Rick's fucked, he can hardly stand up!" And much amusement did ensue. They brought him into the closest room to the lobby - ours - and I must admit he didn't look in a good way, clearly upset and with a proper good graze down his chin weeping blood. Also shaking quite visibly.

Turns out he was pretty pissed, as one would hope of a man on his own stag. In a haze of beery good cheer, he'd turned to wave at my two oldest brother's when they shouted some suitable banter at him from the pub as he was staggering his way back to our hotel. In his drunken state poor Rick thought that the wall behind him had a fence, but instead terminated sans woodwork at about knee height. He leant back for support and went arse over tit into the basement beyond, proper summersault, narrowly missing the basement flat's window sill with his jaw - hence the graze. Doesn't bear thinking about the resulting comedy Viz-like dental carnage that would have resulted in his jaw connecting just an inch futher in to the windowsill.

Luckily his extremely relaxed drink-fuelled posture allowed him to fall into the pavement in rubbery enough fashion to avoid major injury. Although he did lose his lot later that night after an ill-advised kebab with garlic sauce, but that was almost inevitable I guess.

I still have a guilty chuckle at his mewling, shaking form slumped on the spare bed in our room as me and my brother tried not to blatantly piss ourselves at the state of him and his misfortune. We were quite stoned, to be fair.

Length? About 8 feet down to the basement floor, and not that impressive for me after that dip in the English Channel.

*pop* long time lurker first post cherry popped
*Edit* As Rick fell over the wall my oldest brother Gary shouted the immortal line "He's gone down!"
(Fork it! Olson Johnson was right, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:29, Reply)

Dog rape
I walked into an amusement arcade (stoned) many years ago and to the immediate left of the doors was the cash desk in which my mate Dave was perched perusing the day's racing schedule. To the right was a row of machines one of which was being played by a withered old hag, fag hanging out of mouth, headscarf, totally transfixed. Her arm was through the loop end of a dog-lead and at the other end of the lead was one of those revolting little brown and white dogs that you sometimes see made out of porcelain on an old person's mantlepiece. A giggling three or four year old little girl was patting the dog while it frantically thrust it's penis into her face, with it's tongue hanging out of the side of it's mouth and it's front legs clamping her head. It was, for a few seconds, the funniest thing I'd ever seen. It was immediately beaten in the laughter stakes by Dave's reaction. I tapped on the glass and he turned to look at me, saw what was happening and went from 'bored beyond belief' to hysterical, crying laughter in a matter of nanoseconds.
( routine has perfected burgers, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:21, 3 replies)

First meeting with my new neighbours
This was when I'd moved into my second flat in Bristol. We invited the girls in the flat above to come down and have a cup of tea, because we are gentlemen and couldn't really spare them anything else. One of the girls had just broken up with her French boyfriend. Now, I speak French, and this came up in conversation. I was, however, a little bit surprised when she said "Well, if you feel like it, I've got a whole box of his old French letters upstairs".

I realise she was coming to terms with a recent break-up, but you really do have to burst out laughing at that, don't you?
( Pretender, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Setting himself up for a fail
Back in the uni days, I was a bit of a marijuana enthusiast. The kinds of people I hung out with is fairly predictable and, of course, most possessed some kind of homemade bong.

One particularly interesting piece of Blue Peter paraphernalia was a bong made out one of the Alton Towers Oblivion cups that you used to get. For those of you unfamiliar with the shape, here is crappy drawing so you can get an idea of the shape.

The problem posed by the shape was that you sort of had to put your face into the top of the bong to get an air tight seal since the hole in the top was 10-15cm across.

So, we were puffing away on this thing and someone who lived in halls with one of my mates (I forget his name) comes and out and asks if he can have a bowl.

Of course you can mate, weed is for sharing, after all.

There were about ten of us sitting on the grass chatting happily, there were a few different conversations on the go, and he joined in with the banter and waited for his turn. Good day.

When it came round to him, he packed himself a bit of a fruity-looking bowl for such a shonky bong. When he was ready to go for it, rather than just getting on with it he insisted everyone watch him toke it.

"Everyone watch me do this bong.

"Back home in Greece they call me Bong King."

People, unsurprisingly, aren't that interested in watching a bloke smoke a bowl... it's not that special, but he insists so all conversations that were flowing along quite nice come to a halt and he has his audience.

He puts the lighter to the bowl and starts tugging away, he's doing something wrong though because - as the bong smokers among you will know - the smoke is supposed to sit on the water, but it was creeping up the neck towards his mouth. He hasn't pressed his face in hard enough.

As the smoke reaches his lips it catches in his throat, causing a rather unexpected cough. Of course, his mouth is still on the bong so all the air he expels goes straight into the pipe, firing the cherry/mix into the air at the head of stream of bong water that covers several of the reluctant spectators. He then goes into a coughing fit.

Most people remain politely quiet. He has, after all, just made a bit of a dick of himself and it was an unfortunate combination of 'bigging himself up' then failing to consider bong quirks - it could happen to anyone.

Me and one of my mates simply couldn't contain ourselves though and literally fell about laughing. Utter hysteria.

Our Greek friend looked like he'd walked into a communal shower and everyone had started laughing at his 'little man'.

Poor bloke, I felt terrible but I couldn't stop laughing. Sorry Bong King.
(MrKipling43, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:19, 2 replies)

i fiddled the election result
yes, i stuffed just over 2.1 million fake ballot papers into boxes with crosses for the tory candidate.

no, im not laughing either now
(sarcasminasuit, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:18, Reply)

The tale of the whale
In their later years, my grandparent’s relationship slowly drifted apart (separate bedrooms, lots of bickering).

I put this down to my nan being a lazy-arsed halfwit, who decided that for the last 20 years of her life, wouldn’t lift a finger to do anything.

This left my poor old granddad (who was a lovely but stubborn git) to do everything, including the cooking, cleaning and maintaining his big allotment (although I expect this was more to escape from her clutches).

His lungs were badly damaged from smoking and working around some dodgy substances in his youth, so breathing and walking got more and more difficult.

Anyway, getting back to the funny part, one day I was sat in their lounge with my old man, when nan comes lolloping down the stairs after a visit to the shithouse. Her chair was in the corner of the room and she had to negotiate my granddad's chair (with him sat in it) to reach it.

Just as she not-so-nimbly dances over the carpet, she takes a fall (probably on purpose – see the 'shit in a shoe' post in a previous qotw) and lands firmly on my granddad.

Of course, my first reaction is one of shock, but this was immediately replaced with a giggling fit of epic proportions, when my granddad shouted the immortal line:

“GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAT WHALE.”

I couldn’t move for laughing for about five minutes and neither could my dad.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Pea from 'Going to Hell' QOTW
On arriving back in the UK after two weeks in the sun, myself and the girlfriend stepped off the plane into the miles of arrivals corridors at Manchester Airport. Peering out the window, I could see that a much larger plane had parked up next to ours and many people were flowing from it to join us at passport control.

We joined the winding queues at passport control just behind a family of roughly 8 or 9 people, all jostling for position and generally making a racket (as families do) most notably, a small boy who was no older than three or four.

This litle angel noticed that he could run, full pelt, underneath the dividing ropes of the queues without having to duck or slow down. The little guy reveled in this as he ran up and down the queues as his mother and elder sisters tried in vain to hurdle / duck under the ropes fast enough to catch him. Enjoying watching his siblings frustration a little too much, he was unaware of the big metal sign he was heading towards. The sign was held up by two posts and he was heading right in between them. The sign's bottom edge, unfortunately, was about an inch lower than the ropes. He hit it so hard that if it was not for his feet flipping up and hitting the sign as he rotated, he would have done a full backflip.

Well......that was me done. I was crying, literally crying with laughter all the way through passport control, into baggage claim and out to the taxi.
(smithe-ingelby-smithe, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Putting the Fun into Funeral
I was 11 when my grandfather died.

Always one to be difficult, he dropped dead halfway up a mountain in Austria and it cost someone a fortune to bring him back home in one of those industrial-sized coffins they have on the continent.

He was not a big man, but the coffin was absolutely monstrous, and it was clear that even with a troop of six hefty pall-bearers, there was a certain difficulty bearing him into the chapel at the crematorium.

As the two guys at the front stooped to set the coffin down on the dais, one of them lost his balance, causing the team to virtually throw grandad onto the conveyor belt, where it hit the over doors with a solid thump.

Well, 11-years-old --- I only had one thing to say about that comedy gem: "BWA HA HA HA HAAAAAAARGH!"

Everybody stared at me, the vicar tutted, somebody sobbed and I got a clip round the ear.

Sorry, old bloke, but you were magnificent. Right up to the end.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:09, 1 reply)

the amusement of public transport
couple of example for you....

I was on the back of a bus when it stopped to let a young lad with a pair of rather full shopping bags on, now this was one of those buses that can lower to curb level to allow easy access, and all i saw was the doors open, and without even appearing to take a step the lad just fell forwards and being unable to use his hands (due to the shopping) faceplanted the floor with a rather impressive thud. As this was in the middle of the day my howling laughter was met with the dissaprving stares of a scattering of sympathetic old dears who couldn't see the funny side.


another time i was sitting in the luggage compartment on a busy train, right by those pesky automatic doors that seperate the main carriage from the toilet and main doors. As the train arrived into birmigham new street station everybody started to form an orderly queue i decided to remain seated until eveyone else had alighted, in front of me was a posh suited gent, who stood quite still as the doors closed in such a way that they pinged his glasses right of his face and closed on his nose, leaving him sore nosed and confused on one side and his glasses flying away on the other... i had to sit on the platform afterwards for about 10 minutes laughing like a crackhead.
(dougthegoat trapped his mohawk in the car door, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:02, Reply)

party tricks
for my 18th I decided to have a houseparty as I'd accumulated enough friends through college and whatnot for it not to be a complete waste of time.
very near to the start of the night, one of my college friends managed to fall down the stairs, she wasn't even drunk so I don't know howit happened; for some reason there was a crowd at the bottom watching on as she less than gracefully tumbled (she wasn't the thinnist of girls), the sound was like a rendition of the eastenders theme tune as her pace quickend as she neared the bottom. Then absolute silence; broken by my brother making his squauk like a goose type laugh, to which we all started as she lay there for a good few minutes.

my other college friends weren't to impressed
(nikkibic is like a candle in the wind... unreliable, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:54, 2 replies)

I was the victim of inappropriate laughter
A couple of years ago, the whole Lardy family went to Dorset, to a little cottage, for Easter. We took our dog Louis with us, for his first family holiday and his first trip to the seaside. Louis is not a big dog, but being a Staffie/English bull cross, he's very stocky and strong. He's also a rescue dog, so it being his first time on the beach with us, not knowing what his reaction would be, we had him on a 20ft training lead.

Well, Louis was absolutely over the moon about being on the beach, running up and down, biting at the foam on the waves, wading in the water, being sick from drinking saltwater, kicking up sand. He was having a whale of a time. Seeing that he was OK and not going to cause a fuss, we started to relax. That's where the problem started. Whilst holding his lead, I was talking to the lovely Mrs Lardy about how well Louis was doing and didn't notice him trot off to almost the full extension of the lead. I also didn't notice him get attracted by something, causing him to run, full pelt towards it. Remarkably, I also failed to notice him pass behind me, at an astounding rate of knots. I only noticed what he was doing, when the lead went suddenly taut, spinning me around, throwing my feet into the air and landing me, arm extended, right on the side of my rib cage, straight onto wet sand. I hit with a thump into what felt like concrete covered by half an inch of cotton wool. All the wind was driven from my lungs and a split second after landing, I was half submerged by an incoming wave. Barely able to breathe and now being jumped upon by our over excited dog, I managed to turn onto my back to look for assistance from my family, only to find Mrs Lardy and our two daughters doubled over in fits of laughter. It was a good couple of minutes before they noticed that I was having great difficulty breathing and couldn't manage to stand unaided. Bastards.

Mrs Lardy and the kids admit to feeling a little guilty about laughing, but that doesn't stop them from wetting themselves laughing everytime they tell the story.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Surprise downer
Like any other day at uni, I'm playing pro evolution soccer with my housemates. A taxi pulls up close to our house and a black guy gets out with loads of bags. One of my housemates randomly stands up and says "black" in a tone which suggests acknowledgement rather than casual racism. However, the dude sees this acknowledgement and walks over to our front door. He rings the doorbell and I answer. He says he's met me before in Manchester (a place to which I've never been) and that my name is Peter (nope). He plows on regardless.

I'm gonna try and keep this story short by cutting out the conversation but he told me all about the death of his father and how he was having to go back to South Africa but his heart rending story was punctuated by him saying shiiiiiiiit in a high pitched voice at which i struggled not to giggle. It was at this point that i notice out of the corner of my eye that there is a down's syndrome kid sitting on the wall across the road licking a DVD case. I laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose.
(ca4nbe He had a mouse for dinner and a mole for desert, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:51, 8 replies)

Can you take pleasure in shadenfreude on yourself?
Last week I working on the bar all by myself during a busy time. Usually, I can leave the John Smiths tap flowing, go away and make another drink and return to switch it off when it reaches the top of the glass.

This time I didn't. As it flowed onto the floor, I rushed to switch it off and slipped in the puddle. I flew completely in the air and landed on my back being splattered by beer. The 20 people waiting to be served all leaned over the bar and said, "Ooh!" all at the same time.

I now walk with a limp and it's painful but that night I couldn't get to sleep because I was laughing so much as to how it must have looked.

Length? It's the humility that's important.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Two Weeks Ago

I got on a V-Line bus (they're the regional buses that take you to out if the way places here in Oz) and settled in for my journey. Just before we set off, the driver started his spiel about the facilities on the bus.

"And, at the back, we have a toilet in case you need to go during the journey. A word of warning. If the light goes off it's because the light is controlled by a motion-sensor........."

Was as far as he got before I burst out into giggles......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:49, 3 replies)