Rt Hon Yvette Cooper MP, Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Phwooar.


Yes. Yes I did. Just after she was interviewd about the budget.

Length... oh, a couple of minutes, tops.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:13, 3 replies)

The Wright Stuff
9am on Five. The Wright Stuff. I've gradually weaned myself off it but I have a fairly big crush on Matthew Wright - he's smart, irreverent, mocking and funny, and is beautifully mean to stupid people.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:12, 2 replies)

I find myself thinking
"I wonder if that would make a good facebook status" when hearing a particularly poignant lyric in a song.

I fear I might be a closet emo...
(Kendal, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:12, 2 replies)

Driving pleasures
When driving, I like to make really childish "vroom, screech, neeeeyyyyooooowwwwww!!" noises.

I also laugh everytime I fail to let a BMW out of a sidestreet and a little thrill from letting a fit bird out so she waives (though there is the ultimate conundrum of "should you let a BMW out of a sidestreet if it's being driven by a fit bird?").

I also take great pleasure in laughing, waiving and giving the thumbs up to people who are roadraging at me. It winds them up a little bit more.

My ultimate aim is to cause a BMW driver to have an aneurism by not letting them out of a sidestreet then winding them up when they beep and give me the "coffee grinder" hand gesture. Extra Kudos if they're driving an X5. I'll be elevated to the status of a god if they're driving an X5 with a personalised plate that starts with "X5".
(ScousersPet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:08, Reply)

the eroscillator
you get what you pay for!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:06, 6 replies)

I’m so ashamed…

There’s a pub I go to…I’ve mentioned it before on these hallowed pages a few times. I go there way more than I should...but it’s not for the reasons you think…

This pub is a shithole, choc-full to the brim with the lowest lowlifes imaginable. From the hideous old slappers and scrawny tarts covered in slag rash (lovebites), scutter stamps (those oversized tattoos just above the arse), slut wellies and fake designer clothing…to the rough-looking ex-cons, grizzly old timers and tracksuited spotty wannabes…All of them dripping in the finest chunky jewellery Elisabeth Duke has to offer.

Dodgy deals, robberies and general crimes being planned around you are commonplace. Fights kick off left, right and centre. The place is a hive of iniquity and villainy, and everybody there drinks to forget their debt swamped, dole-sponging, pitiful, pathetic and pointless existences.

I go there because of the smug sense of satisfaction I get by being around these people. I listen intently and with false sympathy to their depressing tales of chav-ridden woe…about their bad decisions, how the world has dealt them an unlucky hand, how their boyfriends / girlfriends abuse them and treat them like shit…and that if it wasn’t for the cigarettes, alcohol, bling, various drugs, numerous scams and illegal shenanigans, they would’ve ended their miserable lives long ago…

I, on the other hand, have a good job, a nice car, no debts and a wonderful loving family.

HA!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:05, 8 replies)

Pigs.
I'm not sure if this is psychological, but since moving in with my (Muslim) housemate, I've grown a real fondness for bacon and other pork products.

He says he doesn't mind, and I don't eat it when he's around, but I feel bad about keeping packets of thin-sliced pig in his fridge.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:00, 2 replies)

I blow rasberries
when people bend over

I do this to strangers too

pure/purile genius
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:59, Reply)

Radio 4, Terry Wogan and other BBC comedies
I listen to Radio 4. Pretty much all the time. And I actually debate with the radio and argue with it and sometimes agree with it and often yell at it.

If I don't get my R4 fix in the day, I find myself wondering what I've missed in the world and actually then try to find a way to listen to it.

My GF isn't aware of my Radio 4 fixation....

My car is my Radio 4 sanctuary. In fact, when I get to work, I often switch the Radio station to Radio 2 so if I go out with someone at lunchtime, I don't have to make feeble excuses.

BBC Comedies?

Well, I've got, on my iPod, every single "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" and "Just a minute" which I'm working through when I'm not listening to Radio 4. I've got 17 days of solid Radio4 comedies to listen to.

Not to mention the fact that I'm behind on my Terry Wogan podcasts too... I'll actually switch between Radio 4 and Radio 2 in the mornings just to listen to, and laugh at, Terry Wogan.

Coffin Dodgers network? Oh Yes....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:58, 22 replies)

I really, really hate shopping...
I hate it. Sometimes, stood outside of ASDA (or somewhere equally ghastly), I can actually feel palpitations in my chest coming on. It’s not the shopping experience per se; it’s more the idiots whose sole purpose in life appears to be to get in my way. They amble around in their mongol-esque hordes, muttering “ready meals” and “pasta sauce” under their collective breaths. These are the people who let their children push the trolleys, or worse just let them play on the floor, or piss in the pork pies. And when you accidentally trip over one of these marauding little satanic bastards, the parent looks at you as if you just shat in her cereal. And then you immediately want to commit a brutal murder.

Of course, when I talk about supermarkets, I also lump in people who work in them. You find someone in their luminescent green top, which has a badge saying “Hallo! I’m retarded! How can I help?”, and you approach them and ask, quite politely, “Where’s the bread? I wouldn’t usually ask but the whole store seems to have changed rather dramatically since I was last here!” Once you’ve asked this question, you get a blank look. A bit of dribble emerges from one corner of the mouth. After a period longer than the Ice-Age, this mongol git utters the words “’s on aisle 7”.

And you’ll get to aisle 7, and it’s invariably panty-liners and womens things. The store attendant has just fucked you. You don’t want to look like you came down here for nothing; you had such purpose, so you throw some thrush cream and some Tena Lady in to your basket (which is way too fucking small anyway) and get the hell out of there. You then go and find the store attendant to kill him – but he’s gone. He is a mystic fairy in the forest of Associated Dairies.

Anyway, what was I saying? That’s right, I hate shopping. My guilty pleasure is this – in order to alleviate the rising need to kill or cry, I tend to play ‘load up’. This takes one of two forms:

1) Going to the supermarket with a new girlfriend/someone who rarely shops with me. Not having a basket is essential. Then, I load up my companion’s arms with bread, eggs, drinks – as much stuff as a person can possibly carry, and 100% of which we don’t need. Then, I calmly walk around the corner, and run away, laughing to myself like a lunatic.
2) Pick up items and put them in other people’s trolleys. This is a bit of an art form – you have to work out the item that will cause maximum confusion, like a tin of Dog food in a trolley with a lot of Cat food in it, or some hair removal cream in a trolley that is full of beer and steaks.

These two things make shopping worthwhile for me. I find it highly pleasurable!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:54, 10 replies)

2 Girls 1 cup
you know it makes sense
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:44, 1 reply)

This is bad.
When crossing the road at a junction, I enjoy walking straight out in front of cars who forget to indicate, and watching them slam their brakes on. I once caused some idiot (who was driving WAY too fast in a pedestrianised area) to get rear-ended by a van.

I'll get knocked down one day, then it won't be so amusing.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:40, 3 replies)

Stockings
Last year I suffered a Deep Vein Thrombosis in my right leg. As a result I have to wear compression stockings on each leg daily. I have a selection of black or white.

Sometimes, when on my own at work or home, I like to role up my suit trousers to the thigh and pretend I'm a 17th Century noble.


www.kipar.org/period-galleries/paintings/1680/charles_85.jpg

I find they give my calf a very fine shape.

Clicky I like if you want to see pics sire.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:31, 3 replies)

The smell of asparagus pee
I love it. I'd go as far as to say it's one of my favourite smells ever. If what's your favourite smell comes up in conversation I'll go for 'freshly baked bread' or similar secretly wishing I could just tell everyone I love the smell of asparagus and urine.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:31, 2 replies)

At a party
A couple of years ago at a friend's engagement party in Sidcup, there were helium filled balloons all around the room. After the usual helium breathing by people old enough to know better, Mr Prawn and I grabbed one such balloon and proceeded to tie an empty crisp packet around the bottom. We then weighted this down with cucumber pieces and lager and let it go.

It sort of moved around the room like a very small less flammable zeppelin. Every now and then someone would give it a little push and it would glide through the air spilling lager on the unsuspecting people below.

We ended up leaving that party early...
(Prawn, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:30, Reply)

guilty pleasures
I had two cups of tea and three chocolate hobnobs for breakfast.

And last night I had three bowls of rice krispies for dinner.

It's not a great week, foodwise, so I do feel guilty, but also pleasured.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:11, 4 replies)

Kate Garraway
Garranteed morning wood.
(Errorist, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 10:05, 5 replies)

Her out of Girls Aloud
Nothing wrong with the ginger one from Girls Aloud, nothing wrong at all!

FACT.
(comrade^, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:58, 6 replies)

Embarrassing celebrity crushes anyone?
In order of guilt...


The Ginger one from Girls Aloud
Emma Watson - she is legal but looks about 12
Nigella Lawson
Zara Phillips
Lorraine Kelly


And guiltiest of all


Kerry Katona - you just know she's absolute filth... no?

(runs and hides)
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:42, 20 replies)

Not so much guilty, but oh so much pleasure!
Sometimes I will just sniff a jar of pesto or dab a few drops of soy sauce or Lea and Perrins on my tongue. It's like a meal but it costs fuck all!

Also, I can't encounter a 9 Volt Battery without pressing it onto my tongue. One half of my brain will try and prevent me from doing this, rightly proclaiming it to be childish. This simply spurs on the other, rebellious part of my brain. The fight between good and evil usually lasts about 10 minutes before I 'man up' and lick those volty pins!
(Bernardo O'Higgins at your service on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:42, Reply)

Sometimes the ads work
the currant ad at the top of my QOTW is for Barbara Streisand tickets, how apt.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:38, Reply)

Have the puns started yet?
When my rich and saucy Aunt Mabel died, we found among her posessions a number of gold-plated marital aids.


They were her gilty pleasurers.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:37, Reply)

The Archers
Please dont hate me
(Gravity's Raincoat, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:30, 4 replies)

The Rev. Dr Ian Paisley
My guilty pleasure is everyone's favourite mad bigot Ian Paisley. Not when he's in rant mode - obviously - but when he's speaking in a more conversational mode.

First of all, I've always loved Ulster accents (if I ever meet Crackhouseceilidhband I might not be able to control myself...); but there's something about Paisley's slight croakiness, combined with the way he pronounces the letter "s" at the end of words - it becomes a kind of whistle - that I really like.

If the end of a car journey coincides with the beginning of a Paisley interview on the radio, I will refuse to get out until the end of that interview. Once, the end of a journey coincided with the beginning of a whole documentary about him. I listened to the lot. Not because I like what he says; simply because I like the way he says it.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:28, 15 replies)

Remembered one as I was driving in to work this morning.
I commute along a single-lane A-road with lots of traffic so no chance to over-take, and no point anyway as it is a 30-mile queue moving at c.50mph anyway. Despite this, you still get the twunts that tail-gate - my not-so-guilty pleasure? Leaving a big gap between me and the car in front if I have a tail-gater. This makes them constantly edge out to the middle of the road to see if there's a big enough gap to overtake before pulling in again sharply as a truck approaches. I also slow down and let other cars in from side roads - this really infuriates them! Hee hee.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:21, Reply)

Only a little bit guilty


I enjoy having "surprise" sex with girls...

.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:21, Reply)

In my defence it began by accident...

Bizarrely I was at the Henley festival and after a can or two of Hooch, you know you miss it, I let out a rather potent albeit silent arse burp.

Luckily for me I was standing right in front of a small child who was promptly accused by it's mother of doing "poopy pants"! I nearly did poopy pants laughing and to this day I have enjoyed farting on small children and letting them take the blame.

A word of warning for anyone hoping to imitate this wonderful fragrent game; if you get caught parents get angry, the secruity guards get angry and the person whose bonnet you roll over trying escape the screams of farting paedophile will also get angry.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:18, 3 replies)

transvestitism
It started with a prank. Hasn't every guy tried on his girl's tiny thong just to laugh at the way his danglies spill out like so many veg from a too-small purse? But then, while she was away, it seemed a natural progression to try on the tights and feel the sheer static of them hissing over hairy legs. When I shaved them, I told her it was because I was thinking of taking up professional road racing.

A dress gives so much freedom, I find. The air circulates more readily. And when I wear my stuffed bra (I bought implants off Ebay) I begin to feel like a real woman. Fortunately, I can carry it off better than most men. I have long, slender legs and quite wide hips. True, I have swimmer's shoulders, but these can be mistaken for shoulder pads, which are so in this season.

This weekend I'm off to get some open-toed wedges, and it doesn't get any hotter or more NOW than that!
(frankspencer, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:15, 6 replies)

Bad film!
My own guilty pleasure has and always be Freddy Got Fingered. Oddly enough I find it very amusing to watch Tom Green eat a Cheeseburger to farmyard copulation, or when he swings a baby round a hospital ward...
(cenaris Is dividing 3 by waffle, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 9:13, 1 reply)

Shite murder mystery
I am a sucker for the likes of Murder She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder. I have also been known to have days of shite telly marathons, starting with Dallas working my way up through MSW and DM up to Easties.

Also I take great delight in the discomfort of others :)
(santoslhalper, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 8:57, 1 reply)