Rachel
He's probably a very big Thai man who now has your home address...

Hmm, I supposed I'd better join in, but I'm not telling any of those secrets I'm ashamed of, just the embarrasing ones...

First album I ever owned was by Vanilla Ice, first CD I bought was by Roy Chubby Brown (I have better music tastes now - honest!)
(Heggy, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 21:25, Reply)

Family
I have a real dislike for family occassions and everything surrounding it, well in my town anyway. The family members who live further away are actually much better.

So every Christmas day and day of any anniversary or birthday were the whole family gets together I will have magically managed to muster a night out the night before. Get a major hangover and sit in a corner all day sulking.

I even done this for my 21st birthday.

Guilt? Fuck them, they irratate me.
(puggs, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 20:54, Reply)

I think my handbasket's being made ready for me now.
I'm almost certain I'm a terrible person, as I have minimal guilt about most of these.

- Made my parents feel guilty about throwing away/breaking my things (which may not have actually happened), therefore getting them to buy replacements/other things.

- Being friendly to boys only because I knew I would get gifts out of it (insert gratuitous hint-dropping). (In my defense, I told some of them outright that this was what I was doing. They still insisted on us being friends.)

- Faked illness to get out of family gatherings/events I really should have been there for. (Babies, weddings, funerals, etc.)

- Lied. Lots. Most were minor incidents, but there are some I really am sorry for. (I.e. getting lost on a school trip, being forgotten by the buses, then using the subsequent guilt trip and "trauma" to score better lodgings.)

- Ran over something once, but couldn't be arsed to stop and see to the poor beastie, on account of I was terrified of my crew coach and what would happen to me if I went late. (Honestly, the damn stupid thing waited until I had no time to brake--and then ran out and stood in front of my tyres. I think I may have actually helped it along.)

- I'm going to uni for free, as my father works there, yet put no effort into any coursework whatsoever. I'm an ungrateful bastard.

- What little pocket money I get from my part-time work goes into new toys and gadgets, despite mounting credit card debt.

- I've been working on a small business with three others. Despite having done the least work, I would have the same amount of ownership as the others, yet would also lose the least, should it go bottom-up.

Sorry for lack of funny (unless yours are worse, in which case it's very amusing).

Oh, and I also used to own Enya and N*Sync CDs, and listened to them constantly.

There's more, but I've repressed as much as I can. I hope to be an honest, upstanding citizen one day--but I doubt it.

Edit: Ooh, one more. I used to have a crush on the conductor of my youth orchestra. No clue why, as he was short, balding, quite probably gay, and irritating as fuck.

Edit 2: Remembered again. Guilty conscience, perhaps? I have a small stash of rude pictures I drew when the hormones first started attacking. I don't want to throw them out in case someone finds them, and I don't want to build a fire--no idea if the parents ever came across them, but if they did, they haven't brought it up anyway.

Last one, I promise! I try to act cool and independent, when in fact I'm spoiled, sheltered, and financially irresponsible. What's sad is that it seems to work--some people do think I'm awesome, but they might just be bigger losers than I am. Errr.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 20:47, Reply)

damn my wasted memory
I used to work in a computer store, and one of the members of staff owned the Aqua album. He played it every other hour. I know every word.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 19:45, Reply)

I had sex in the boss's chair.
Not my boss, mind you- my girlfriend's boss. The female boss who didn't understand the appeal of sex (she'd never had an orgasm in her life) and looked rather severely upon those of us who enjoy it.

And I had sex on my girlfriend's boss's desk, leaving a nice sweaty arse print on it. But that was a different boss- and a different girlfriend.

Having sex after hours in your girlfriend's office is quite the kick...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 19:25, Reply)

to who it may concern
The 'big boys off the estate' who were often spotted, by only me, running away seconds before i was found next to the broken window/burning lawn/dead dog may not have actually been there.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 18:59, Reply)

i miss rap traxx
vol. 1
(PonChalice started an ultra back spin on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 18:29, Reply)

I was briefly...
...an altar boy when I was about 7 years old for a few months. I'm no religious person, I'm indifferent and have no interest in anything religious really. Anyway, that's not the point...

This is not something I feel guilty about really, I think it's quite funny now, but it's something I would have felt guilty about at the time had I been caught. Actually this might explain one or two things about how I've turned out.

Before the ceremony of mass begins, you have to prepare the bread and wine etc on the altar. They used to let me do this. A seven year old kid.

I have to ask myself sometimes did I really used to regularly enjoy myself a big fuck-off gulp of wine, in a "one for the mass, one for me" motion every time I had to do this?

Well, in my defence it tasted so nice and who was going to know about it really...
*****************************break*****************************

PS I hope no one skipped my story apart from the first and last sentence and didn't bother to read the rest. Think about it...

I'm not even admitting to the first CD I bought. That's definitely locked away safely in my brain... Too embarassing...
(jaymierobber, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:50, Reply)

OK i feel a little guilty for this one
Only a little.

Long long ago in a rented flat far far away..... when I was with a mentalist highland bitch with whom I had mistaken lust for love*.
Anyhoo, said mentalist was rather into, well not quiet BDSM but shall we say kinky bondage with a few extras. She was rather more into it than me, as I regarded it somewhat of a kerfuffle on occasion. But I was confusing lust with love and proceeded to fulfil all her desires to be tied up in various positions/places and spanked/fucked/what-evered. To give her fair dues, I was rather entranced by her kinky suggestions on most occasions.

This went on for a while.

Once day, having, I suspect, been reading too many Nancy Friday books, she requested to be tied upside down over a door and thoroughly pleasured, i was rather/extremely dubious but encouraged by promised of unearthly delights partaken from her upside-down form I consented to help. This was an engineering challenge of the first water as she wasn’t by any means anorexic and I was thinking with the main brain only by this stage.

So I get her to do a handstand, protect her ankles with a towel, loop some tow rope over the door and her ankles, go round to the other side and hoist away. As she grunted aroused success on the other side i was stuck with a more practical problem, how did I attach the rope to prevent her falling on her head? I couldn’t attach it to the radiator, that would impede my re-entrance to the room and much anticipated unusual sex. So what to do? I failed around and spotted an old metal hoop on the bottom of the door, presumably to hold the door back or something (I know it was outside the room but perhaps someone had reversed the door in aeons past), so I looped the tow rope through the hoop and job done.

I stood back to admire my handiwork and to let the creative tension build on the other side of the door. Opening the handle I prepared to enter the room and my gf, only to have the door snatched from my hand as the silly bitch’s weight ripped the fucking door clean from the frame and wedged it firmly both on top of her and into the door frame.

There was a moment of dread calm as I rapidly achieved de-tumescence.

Jesus-Titty-Fucking-Christ, I’ve killed my gf I thought.

Until i heard her snarling lilt from under the door requesting in plain terms for me to get the fucking door off her sharpish you fucking twat.

Problem is i couldn’t.

Fucking thing wouldn’t budge, not a fucking inch, it was fucking wedged, now we’d only just moved in and there were no tools in the house, so i (luckly it was Saturday lunchtime) volunteered to go get a saw/crow bar and a new door, I’d be back in under an hour i said as i gallantly stepped on the door to get back into our room and get dressed.

This was met with a torrent of the single least lady like language i’ve ever heard from a woman. Ever!

I scarpered out, bought the tools/door and rescued her but a mere two hours later. What a hero. After promising my eternal silence on the matter i repair the damage and normality resumes.

So where’s the guilt? Well before i went to the DIY place, I went for a pint or two to calm my nerves and had to tell the entire bar why i was laughing so much i spilled the first pint and had to sit down, she coudl never quite udnerstand why i stopped taking her to that pub and why my colledges/friends/relations/people in the street where either all soo very flirty or so very cool with her for years afterwards until we split up and i really started telling the story to all and sundry.

I still giggle when i think of it nearly 15 years later.
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:28, Reply)

I imagine
Rachelswipe is really ugly and fat.

I am sorry.
(Gimli son of Gloin., Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:25, Reply)

Di joke
An old one, but worth repeating:

Di died, Dodi died, Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
(frankspencer, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:24, Reply)

My only regret about Di's death...
...is that I didn't think to pick up the early edition of the Sun that I saw in the local corner shop the following morning -- the one with the headline saying she'd been injured but was still alive. It was quickly withdrawn when the facts emerged, bet it would've been worth a few quid to a collector by now.

Arseflaps.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Condemned
When I was in the 6th form our common room was a pre-fab building beside the main school building. You know the ones that we always called "Rabbit Hutches". One day 2 machines appeared in there that seemed to be sucking in air. There was a rumour that they were testing the air for asbestos.

My mate and I thought that it would be really funny to break off some of a board that sat behind a rediator (very similar to the mats you put your bunsen burners onto) and sprinkle them into the machine.

After nothing happened, we thought no more of it and I went back home for lunch. When I got back to school, my heart sank as I saw bright yellow tape over the door to the common room with danger, do not enter written on it.

It turned out that machines had picked up lethal amounts of asbestos in the air and the building was immediately condemned.

The upshot was that they knocked it down and built a swanky new pad for us 6th formers. I was too much of a chicken to own up and take the glory though as I thought I would probably get sent to Juvy if the teachers ever found out.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 17:02, Reply)

So ashamed!
I have many secrets, most of which i don't feel guilty of.....i probably should do as they're big whoppers but the one i feel ashamed and guilty of is i once bought a Will Young CD!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Not exactly "guilty" or a "secret"
But when Diana died, i spent the whole day with my gf (now wife) making up punchy headlines for the redtops to use the next day and emailing them into the currant bun et all from a snazzyly created hotmail account.

My favorite was "Di dead, Dodi ditto"

Oddly enough none of the humourless bastards used them.

Typical

As for a ten year anniversary? Oh please, probably a private grief held by her Kids and family, but the rest of us? I couldn't give an FF at an RD
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:55, Reply)

I faked drowning
In my defence, I was ten years old.

While on a bus trip to a water park with summer camp, I saw a lifeguard carrying a strange torpedo-shaped life preserver and I really wanted to see it in action. Now, I could swim like a fish, and I'd crossed lakes, so I wasn't endangering myself by going out into the deep end. The female lifeguard (I wish I'd been old enough to appreciate THAT) didn't know that I could hold my breath underwater for three minutes, and she dove in selflessly to rescue me, and then I had to spend the rest of the trip answering questions and filling out forms. Fuck.

She didn't even use the floatie.
(Random Ferret, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:44, Reply)

I confess
I got myself on the popular page
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:37, Reply)

I broke the environment
A little different to most of the usual "I shagged X when I was with Y" ones.

In a previous job, I had to look over some of the Department of the Environment's pollution figures for the country to verify whether they were accurate. This seemed like a tricky job, so instead I made a list of everything that could possibly be wrong with the way they were measured, exaggerating a little to make my point. I sent back my report after a couple of days and then forgot about it. Otherwise it would have been months of tedious number crunching.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I found out that due to deficiencies in the reporting method, the pollutants I was looking at are excluded from some of the rules in Europe.

So, if you experience bad weather from global warming, or acid rain, sorry. That'd be my fault.
( bloobloo, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Used a Labrador as a weapon.
As a bored teenager, I once removed the non-slip covering from my parents window seat knowing full well that our dog used to leap onto said window seat barking furiously whenever anybody came to the door.

A few minutes later the man from the local Labour party turned up to collect membership subs. When he knocked on the door he was greeted by an explosion of glass and a Labrador hurtling towards him.

I never saw him again.

The dog was OK as well (amazingly).

I replaced the cover and told my mum that the dog had "just gone mental".

Glad to get that off my chest...
(barlick, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:23, Reply)

swiped by the signature
arrrggghhh. rachel i've just realised why i was getting hotter towards you these past few weeks.. its that signature, i never read it properly but it must have sub consiously been sneaking into my vision and registering into my brain... dont u just hate it when that happens ?

my guilty secret is sub conciously lusting after rachelswipe

the signature is true but change it... quick !! lol
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 16:09, Reply)

nope
it's rachelswipe, which is a not remotely funny in-joke from ages ago meaning i am rswipe.

i often wish i'd come up with a better/more flattering username. sigh.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Don't tell Neo
But there actually is a spoon.
( aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:52, Reply)

@Mr M@
I've always thought that too!!




The title is also an accidental pallendrome

/pointless post
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:51, Reply)

In my quiet moments...
... I still find myself shaking, nervous and afraid. Afraid to ask if anyone went through the same harrowing experience.

Come on. SOMEONE out there must have cracked one off to Fort Boyard back in the day.



_{Even Melinda Messenger just can't improve my length anymore...}
(Uhmfhshhghd, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:46, Reply)

Camper than a row of tents.
I tried to learn all the lyrics to the songs on the album 'A star is born' by Barbara Streisand.

It was years ago and I can still remember one or two of them.
( girlinthehole, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:40, Reply)

My mate killed his girlfriend's cat
He only fessed up to us about 4 years after it happened. She still doesn't know and they're getting married in a coupla months so i feel it is my duty to share.

Apparently he (aged 16) had been round her house and found himself alone in her room. For some reason rather than doing the sensible male adolescent thing of rummaging through her underwear he instead decided to jump up and down on the bed...which promptly broke crushing the unfortunate moggy asleep underneath.

Why a guilty secret? Cos in a panic he then picked up the dead cat, snuck downstairs to the garage and put it behind the front wheel of her mum's car.
(Milo Minderbinder, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Ash Ketchum was a pimp
My guilty secret is that I have been waging an unholy one man war on Putfile.com since they deemed my pathetic, soundless, poorly animated Flash movie "Wife Swap AKA Pokewife" to be pornographic. www.ee.oulu.fi/~pasilack/p/Wifeswap.swf

Or maybe my guilty secret should be making bad flash movies combining reality TV shows and kids cartoons.

Next stop Jeremy Kyle Show?


_{oh my. For my first post/impression, that length isn't impressive at all..}
(Uhmfhshhghd, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:25, Reply)

I shat myself in primary school in Year 4.
But was too embarrassed to tell the teacher.

I walked around for over 3 hours with a bum egg sitting happily in my trousers.
(androoh, Tue 4 Sep 2007, 15:13, Reply)