Burn in Hell? Why not just do it in church instead and cut out the middle man?
Possibly a bit tenuous...

My ex wife's family has a bit of a history with places of worship, and not because they're all Catholics either.

Her cousin, for example, when he was but a young, boistrous lad, managed to burn down a church through the judicious placing of some fiery matches next to some particularly dry timber. He just wanted to see what would happen, apparently.

The missus, not to be outdone, went on in later years to not only attempt to burn down the church whilst attending mass, but also had the cunning foresight to make it look like an accident by setting fire to herself first.

If you're going to light a candle in church, do not attempt to do so whilst wearing a top with ludicrously wide sleeves. And certainly don't attempt to place your lit candle behind several rows of similarly-lit waxy offerings...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:38, Reply)

Free Zimbabwe from tyranny!
A group of friends and I were out drinking in London for a stag do a couple of years back.

We staggered past the Zimbabwean embassy and noted a particularly jubilant protest outside, courtesy of Zimbabwe ex-pats all dressed in traditional garb and singing. What a sight it was, African men and women wearing paint, cloth and placards on the end of poles, sticking it to an oppressive regime.

In my drunken state I might have inadvertantly shouted "Zulus. Faahsands of vem. Wait 'till you see the whites of ver eyes lads".

_{yes, I know I just quoted that on HSH this morning}
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:38, 1 reply)

Probably not me, probably her...
I had a girlfriend who was saving her virginity for marriage.

Her proper virginity, anyway, I shagged her up the arse loads.
(weegiegeek, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:37, Reply)

Prompted by a previous QOTWer
After reading the story about the young lady who had mad passionate sex to the Ghostbusters song I now sometimes say to my missus during coitus 'Busting makes me feel good'
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:36, 1 reply)

Because when I'm on the job
at the point of no return instead of saying 'Oh, Jesus!' or 'Oh, God!' I scream: 'Oh, Beelzebub and all your festering minions...' Then I make my best sex face and collapse.

Ok, maybe I dont.

(Though I did say 'Bombs away', once, much to my shame). And another time I said: 'Armed and ready', as we were about to get it on. Thought it would be sexy. It was not sexy.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:31, 16 replies)

they're deadly. there are 7 of them.
Sloth - I'm a lazy mofo. I'm good at a number of things that I have to do regularly. The reason I am good at these is because it takes much less effort to become good than to remain shit and struggle each time.

Wrath - I am constantly angry with something or other. I'm generally easy going, but a lot of stuff enrages me. Stupid people for instance.

Gluttony - I fucking love food. used to be a fatty, now not so much. I love to cook and do it pretty well, and I love to eat the results.

Pride - Large ego as indicated by some of the above. I'm not ashamed to big myself up if the situation requires it. I also don't like to be embarrassed or losing. I'm also a vain motherfucker and can't help checking myself out in every reflective surface I pass.

Lust - I'm a man. This goes with the territory. I can't help but check out women, I'm sure I must do it more than most.

Greed - this is the one where I fall down a bit. I'm happy with my lot, for the moment at least. I think perhaps Sloth gets in the way of this. I'd want more stuff if only I could be arsed.

Envy - same as Greed I think. I've got the stuff I want, and I'm not really bothered about what other people have got.

although I could do with more sex...

This has probably been dull for you to read.

Sorry
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:30, 1 reply)

Not just Christian hell
I have had more than several pisses up against the side of the East London Mosque.

Not that I have anything against Muslims, it's just a convenient alley to have a piss in on the Whitechapel Road.

*waits for fatwa to be issued*
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:30, Reply)

Lasped Catholic
1) I've pissed all over an altar dais in a catholic church!!

Admittedly I was 5 at the time and I was on the altar dais as part of my duties as an altar boy.

and I didn't take my nob out and piss all over the place, I wet myself because I thought I had to stay put no matter what

But that catholic god is a cunt and gets well upset about all sorts of trivial things

2)I called a nun a cunt, they were our teachers at school, I wasn't very old and I didn't know what it meant, the look on her face was worth the beating I received to be honest

3) I have since lapsed into almost evangelical atheism so I expect I'd be off St Peters list for that alone.

4) Whilst visiting the Sistine Chapel I shoplifted 2 packs of postcards & a pack of tea-towels featuring the lovely chapel. The bloody church is worth billions and watches while the world starves they're not having my money

5) Whilst posting a reply to a question on a irreverent web site I called our lord a cunt

Bring on the thunderbolts ;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:25, 1 reply)

Apparently I'm going to hell
because I'm too lusty. Or that's what the Dante's Inferno test tells me...
But I've been thinking, if God is a man wouldn't he want lusty women to go to heaven?
( Mellicious is made of candy, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:22, 4 replies)

This might have fitted into last weeks qotw actually.
Me - 17

Him - 24 year old born again Christian.

He was my manager on a YTS scheme and I tried everything I could do to get in his knickers as he kept harping on about how he was staying chaste till marriage.

Unfortunately my 17 year old powers of seduction were severly lacking, either that or he was really into the whole God thing.
( girlinthehole, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:19, 6 replies)

Let me count the ways...
one post at a time.

Some years back, not long after I separated from Nurse Ratched, I had a series of relationships. As is the norm, every one of them ended and I was alone. And, as is the norm, I was pretty badly hurt each time- though I don't show it a lot, I'm actually a very sensitive person whose feelings can be easily hurt.

One night I was hanging out with a female friend and talking about this, and how discouraged I was by the whole thing. I had about concluded that it was time for me to just plain give up on ever being with anyone again, when she gave me the following insight.

"What you're doing wrong is you're dating one woman at a time. It's serial monogamy. So when the relationship ends, it's like a mini-divorce. You're hurting because you're repeating that pattern over and over."

I looked at her with a stunned expression. "But I thought that that's what you're supposed to do!"

She shook her head. "It may be what most people do, but it's not necessarily the right thing for you. You need to be open and up front that you're seeing other people, and if you have sex you need to always use a condom, but it's perfectly fine to date multiple people. That way when one relationship ends you can be sad, but still have other relationships to keep your ego from getting so damaged. You can say goodbye to that person because there are others still waiting for you."

Blew my mind, that did. But I had to admit, it made sense.

So I did as she suggested, and started relationships with five women. Some I met for dinner a couple of times and we mutually agreed that it just wasn't going to work, others I did get in bed with for a while before they concluded that they wanted more than I was able to give at that point. In all cases it ended amiably enough, with no harsh words or tears. And then I discovered something really good about this, the point that my friend had been trying to make: it gave me a much better sense of perspective. I could stand back and view each one more objectively, and see them as they were- their good points as well as their bad points- and make a decision as to whether or not the relationship would work. So I weeded through them, resulting in some of the stories I've told in here- for instance, this one- but ultimately selected one who was a better fit than most, and let the others fall by the wayside.

To many that would seem a rather hell-worthy offense, I suppose... but really, it saved my sanity.

I think.

*goes off to contemplate that question for a while*
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:18, 2 replies)

First, the checklist
I am the Lord your God === ok
You shall have no other gods before me == ok
You shall not make for yourself an idol == Idle?
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God == Fail
Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy == Fail
Honor your father and mother == Fail
You shall not kill == Pass
You shall not commit adultery == Fail
You shall not steal == Fail
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor == Fail
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife == Fail
You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor == Fail

In addition, my image collection alone get's me a gold card to hell, and that's without taking my multitude of moral crimes against friends/family/lovers/complete strangers.

Even in God's domain, I am a cnut.

I have been a grave digger who treated his *customers* without due respect

I have been party to a Church Xmas Hamper scam.

I've done a shag atop a tombstone.

I have put washers in collection envelopes for Christian Aid.

I always tell the Salvation Army collectors that I already give to the Salvation Air Force.

I gave all my out of date tins of food to the Local Round Table.

Jeovah's Witnesses avoid my door.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:18, 2 replies)

Confirmation (again)
I got confirmed as part of the Catholic faith so that I would get a free trip to Alton Towers...

Then on the day I got confirmed I did what all good Catholics do and got incredibly drunk
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:15, Reply)

RE
Despite it allegedly being compulsory until GCSE (school rule rather than national curriculum I think) I only did RE until halfway through my second year of high school.

My attempts to explain to the rest of the class why I thought religion was a tool of subjugation and prejudice, through the medium of dressing up as Hitler, shouting 'Sieg Heil!' continuously throughout the lesson and drawing swastikas on every available surface, didn't go down especially well with our teacher.

How was I to know she was the child of Auschwitz survivors?

A month off school to sit at home and consider my actions for that. Never had to do RE again though.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:13, 8 replies)

I'm going to hell..
..because when my friends and I were about 13-14ish, we realised that the Giddeon bible pages made excellent papers for rolling spliffs.

On a side-note, I stayed in a horrid backpackers hostel in North-West London when I first got to England, and the window in the room was being held open by a bible. To make ammends for my earlier sins, I replaced the bible with a copy of Angels and Demons that I found in the lounge, and left the bible in the bar..


First post! Hurruh!
(r0ach, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:12, 1 reply)

I'm going to hell because...
they have excellent buy one get one free deals on inflatable donkeys or something

fuck I couldn't be arsed
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:12, 1 reply)

I think im pretty much condemned to hell.....!
Im attempting to think of the worse!

Probably the worst was a few years ago I became homeless and a good friend by the name of 'John' took me in, he was supposed to be a good christian fellow raised by good christian people, I never saw any evidence of this but the occassional preaching as are many christians (Not all) complete hypocrites.

Now when I say he took me in we shared a small room in a small shared house, we became good mates discussing things such as The Goonies, back to the future and drums as many a thing and growing 2 week old milk into some wierd half cream half water mix until it eventually popped.

So after a few months or so (Im more the punk variety and he's more the heavy metal) He announced we should go to a Rock festival by the name of "Soul Survivor" with his accurate description it was a religious rock festival, but rock none the less with a few christian bands (their are some gooduns about) so i thought fuck it! why not, a few weeks away surrounded in heavy drink, a few spliffs and good music, I trusted him all too arrange it.

So the big day comes, we pack our shit up and get going. The first suspicious thing I notice is everyone seems to be prepubescent which felt wrong in itself (Im 24 BTW) so we set up and decided to get some kip.

I was awoken a few hours later with "Adam were going to worship" your coming with!! They built a big fucking tent were people group together to talk about god.

"Nay" says I, I wanna wank and go back to sleep, so off i drifted. This happened again non stop for 3 days,

They musta loved Mass and worship more than I love Chocolate cake smeared on a hookers ass because it was atleast 8 times a day.

this along with with other monstrosities such as;

9 Oclock bed time,

Stay in your allocated zones for the duration of the evening.

No alcohol....Ever.

and no smoking!!! ANYWHERE!

And too top it off, theirs was only 2 fucking bands.

So this led to a sort of School yard rebeling, After 3 days I went abit insane.

Started breaking into the refreshment tent to steal cakes and pies....
(Always food first, sin second)

Scaled the bathrooms whilst hopped on Disco biscuits and gave an anti-semetic speech.

Stole various Gazebos from other camps to construct a giant super Gazebo.

Filled a strangers tent with various stray cats wondering around the site.

go chased 4 times by christian festival security.. (Who all looked like sex offenders)

Detained by being put in a fake Police Cell (Made of crates and road barriers) for two hours for staying up past 12am.

walked around all the time in nothing but white Y-FRONTS.

knocked off and stole securities bicycles..

and smuggled in absynth and accidently set fire to my arm.

Now it may sound like I was being a prick, but this is what happens when you are surrounded by 9 - 12 years olds 24/7 with a 9 oclock bedtime and fanatical christians WHO LIED TOO YOU, JUST SO THEY CAN "SAVE YOUR SOUL".

Ive probably inadvenrtantly mentally scarred a whole generation of christian children.

luckily I was removed before setting fire the the whole vicinity.

thats why I believe im set for hell.
(zenzeypher, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:11, 8 replies)

eek
...aside from arguing with my elderly grandmother about the existence of dinosaurs (damn Christian fundamentalists trying to ruin mine and my brother's fun at the Natural History Museum by their applying a total lack of logic), and attending a Young Tory Party party for money (see www.b3ta.com/questions/hell/post325589 ), the single worst thing I have ever done is:

getting very drunk at an Oxford college visiting a vague friend, realising I had nowhere to crash and no way home, picking out a likely looking innocent from the crowd, promising mischief and bawdiness, stealing his keys, locking him out of his room, making him walk me to the bus station in the morning, stealing money for tea, promising to email him, throwing up on the scrap of paper with the email address once I reached Victoria.

As a woman who prides herself on treating all her conquests with respect and enjoying the company of men as much as women, I am deeply, deeply ashamed by this, as this poor young man was clearly gagging for it, and I probably led him up a path of lousy, mean women. Poor lad.

I still feel terrible.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:10, Reply)

Kitteh!
I am going to hell because I posted a rather undignified photograph of my cat in the hopes of getting clicks.


(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:09, 4 replies)

My elder brother is doomed
Topics of past conversation have included getting replica Auschwitz iron gates for his new house - in the end he plumped for the slightly less tasteless 'Schloss Adler' house sign.


I may add to this depending in how badly this is received.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:09, 1 reply)

I fixed an election
I wasn't one of those sporty kids, or into after-school clubs, or anything like that. When I was in Sixth Form and started having to think about my future in the big wide world, I realised I had a pretty non-existent CV thanks to spending the last couple of years playing guitar (badly) and sitting round at mates' houses playing Goldeneye on the N64. Thinking Universities & future employers would lap up this sort of stuff, I decided I had to be a Prefect, House Captain, Head Boy, etc.

Now, there was absolutely no way I was going to be made Head Boy, and Prefect was out of the question because I'd been a bit naughty in the past and it wasn't forgotten. House Captain, though, was elected by secret ballot by the members of the Sixth Form who were in the relevant House. There was one girl and one boy chosen for each house, from a total electorate per house of about 40-50 people.

I was asked to organise the vote since there were about three lads in my year who were Rugby Captain, County-level football players, etc. and the Head of House thought I was neutral as I wasn't really in the running. She didn't really count on the fact that I was running a poll for a position I'd decided I quite fancied.

Surprise Victory for Snowy!

To be fair, I did make sure the guy who came 'second' was Vice House Captain, and I did do a good job of organising Sports Days, drama, etc. once I was in the position.

Has any University tutor, potential employer, etc. ever mentioned the fact I was a House Captain? Have they fuck...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:09, Reply)

Burn!
Those Gideon nutters came round our school and distributed those free propaganda brainwash booklets. What are they called... Bibles?

We were mucking around in the playground trying to see if we could skin up with the paper and how well they would burn when we realised that yes! they lit up like a roman candle.

Pretty soon we had a small bonfire going to which my other miscreant associates committed their own copies to the flames.

And that's how we were caught by the headmistress, accompanied by the Gideons, to whom she was giving a guided tour, standing around a pile of burning bibles incanting "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust".
( rofl harris, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:08, Reply)

As a dirt poor but ingenious student
I may or may not have been involved in trawling the clubs of *name of city removed* selling a mixture of crushed up shit pills, third rate base and talcum powder to fucked people as 'top quality MDMA, mate'

Cost: Less than £2 a wrap
Resale value: £30-40

Probably the highest profit margin of anything I've ever been involved in, and I used to work in a Little Chef....

Not sure this qualifies me for Hell as all the junkie drug taking scum are heading there anyway, but it was pretty low.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:07, 3 replies)

STD
My mate had cause to visit the STD clinic down in Victoria last week and told me he would get the results via text.

I have just sent the following text to him from one of the works mobile phones:

Results: All Positive. Please contact us at your convenience so we can provide details about your local hospice and to provide advice on putting your affairs in order.

Well, it passes the time...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:04, 5 replies)

Quick one for now
as I'm supposed to be working.

Deadly sins: 7/7
Ten Commandments: 9/10 (you can probably guess which one I'm yet to break)

And a short story to make the post less boring than a simple scoreboard. I was baptised (not much choice at the time) and my parents wanted me to be confirmed but I didn't. Compromise agreed on was that I would attend confirmation classes then decide whether I wanted to be confirmed. Compromise actually reached was me saying I was going to confirmation classes once a week, but instead we went down the park to drink the communion wine we robbed every week. The wafers are pretty shit though. Body of Christ my arse.

Never was confirmed. Although the vicar did confirm that we were definitely the cuplrits, when he phoned the police to report the theft of the communion wine. Nice.

Many, many more to follow, I'm sure...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:03, 5 replies)

I'm going to hell because...
...I posted a not-linked NSFW picture on a QOTW.
Whoops...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:03, Reply)

I used to live with a happy clappy christian

As is often the way in a shared house we had run out of bog roll, luckliy said christian had left a copy of "Guiding Light" or some other such cheesily titled christian newspaper.

I wiped my arse with the pages on why Jebus loves me, the big gay!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 14:01, Reply)

On holiday in the Isle of Wight.
As a 3 year old. Sitting at the next table to my family at meal times were two old ladies. One day one of them, Pat, starts to tell me about how she is nasty to everyone. She phones people up and shouts at them and is mean to people.

The next day I was at the table when she said hello to my family and I said

"nasty Pat!"

At which point she looked shocked and upset and my Mom and Dad shouted at me. Later on in our room my Dad smacked me for being rude to this lady.

I think she will most likely go to Hell for getting a small child in trouble, but the reason I'll go to Hell?

Every single day since then I have hoped and prayed that the fucking bitch died alone. Miserable with nothing to keep her company. And in pain. I hope her entire family ignored her and hated her and left her to rot in a bedsit in the middle of nowhere. And I hope the most painful thing possible ravaged her for her final years, for as long as possible. Just because of that thing, which in fairness was my own fault a little for opening my stupid mouth.

Oh and once I kicked dog shit onto my friends head and blamed his little brother.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:57, Reply)

I'm going to hell
Because I'm just too beautiful for heaven. Can't have those angels getting jealous now..
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:56, 1 reply)

I once ate a bible
At school the Gideons gave an assembly about bibles and at the end, everyone was given the opportunity to take a free bible.

Everyone did, and we soon ran out of things to do with them.

This culminated in a bet that I couldn't eat a whole bible.
Turns out I could.
( WormuIus, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:55, 8 replies)