Im good because i dont like mosquitos
I went to italy last year with my orchestra. we got there and the weather was absolutely scorching and the air conditioning was pretty broken in the rooms, however when we all went to bed i insisted to my good friends in my room that we must have the windows shut well and properly because im scared of mosquitos and wasps and flyey things like that (once i woke up when i was wee to a wasps nest outside ma window and wasps infesting the house)...anyway it was a good job i insisted, because the next morning we woke up to find the room next door to us and other rooms nearby had been 'broken' into (via open windows) and mobiles/money/passports etc had been stolen.Im so lucky!we went on to have some of our concerts cancelled at the last moment because venues were too small and such, but we rearranged them in different places, and one of the teachers got heart problems on the first night and had to spend all tour in hospital...but in the end the tour was absolutely amazing!good huh?

i also once nearly (well it felt like it) broke my back trying to do a backflip into a swimming pool in france when i was 9....
(Salbo_baggins, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Cub Camp Skid Mark Conspiracy
Due to depleting my bog roll stash at cub camp, I hatched an evil plan. After copious amounts of camp fire burgers and sausages I had to go for the biggest turd of my life, well of a 9 year old life anyway. Looking around the toilet that compromised of a hole in the ground there were only nettles and thorns to wipe my arse. I waddled back to the campsite and my tent which I shared with 6 other snotty cub scouts. What I proceeded to do next is pure Damian 666 stuff. I shared a tent with someone no one liked, called Johnathan. I rifled through his bag and found some white jogging bottoms. I then proceeded to wipe my arse, not on any old part of the garment but strategically on the rear area where skidmarks are commonplace. Once my undercarriage was clean I put them back in his bag.

Next morning imagine my surprise when said unlikeable lad comes out to breakfast sporting said white jogging bottoms. His backside covered in my rusty stab marks. He came bounding up to the picnic tables, stretching his arms with 'What a gorgeous morning' look on his face. Before he sat down I shouted "hey look he's shit himself". Once the hysteria had set in a gaggle of 2 dozen cub scouts chased the poor lad around and up a tree screaming 'Johnny Shitty Pants' at him where we proceeded to throw sticks and rocks at him for at least 30 minutes. It was a great holiday, but I can't believe how evil I was.
(TwoLeftFlipFlops, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:39, Reply)

Whilst playing frisbee in front of an appreciative gathering
outside the Sofia Palace of Culture in Bulgaria, I hooked a shot into one of its 12ft by 8ft smoked glass windows and broke it.
My friend and I ran away and jumped onto the nearest bus, which was pursued through traffic by a police Lada. We jumped off and hid/got very drunk in a bar.

I hereby apologize to all Bulgarians, because you're all really nice.

A week later, with the same frisbee, my friend hit a 70 year old lady follower of the prophet Petradanov in the back of the head very hard. Luckily she forgave him.

Two days later, the s-bend fell off a toilet midflush, flooding the ancient Sveti Naum Monastery in Macedonia, and so we legged it into the relative safety of Albania.
( MartinH, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:31, Reply)

The Rathlin Island festival
ran from saturday until sunday night (we thought)
We arrive late on the dock, waiting for the boat, waiting a long time. Eventually a boat shows up, me and my two mates and about two dozen other people all leap onto this wee boat and it immediatly starts pulling away from the dock, I look around and only one of my friends is on board, the other is standing on the dock looking a bit lost.
Time for a bit of buckfast
On the island, two boatloads of people cram into this wee ancient bus, which putputs its way to the festival, on it's way up a hill, the bus stops and stats going slowly backwards until the drivers fiddles with the gears and finally we're on our way again.
Time for another bit of buckfast.
At the festival, by now it's midnight saturday night we meet up with another bunch of people, I set up my one man tent, turns out i'm the only one with a tent.
Another bit of buckfast and then off for some dancing.
Dawn comes, I decide to get a bit of sleep, an hour later I'm woken by a strange man in my tent, luckily it's my friend who we left on the dock, he's made it onto the island.
Celebratory buckfast and it's into the town for breakfast. We hitched a lift in a 1950's trailer truck, hanging on for dear life as we drive along the edge of cliffs we couldn't see during the night.
After breakfast/lunch and a pint I head back to the festival, trying to communicate witht the cows along the way.
At the festival which I had expected to be carrying on to the night I discover everything is being packed away apart from a set of deck and a bicycle powered amp.
Hmm, break out the buckfast again.
What's that I see? an atlantic storm coming in?
More bucky
And the last boat? it's left the island and nobody's sailing because of the storm?
Get that buckfast down ye
Where's my tent? oh, there it is, sailing over the edge of the cliff
Thank christ for buckfast (litterally, it was made by monks)
so there's 4 of us now, all our other friends have been smart and left hours ago, we figure the best plan is to head back to the village and beg someone to let us stay with them.
We get back and find there is a boat heading back after all, but there's only 2 seats.
We hop on board and two of us say "no problem, we'll just sit out back here and hold on"
The boat sets off and we notice that everyone else has seatbelts.
The boat speeds up and hurtles through and over the waves, bouncing in and out of the water, we're airborne for seconds at a time and whoops
there goes the buckfast.

I have no memory of how I made it home after that, but I must have done, 'cos here I am.

Good dancing though

No apologies for length, you love it!
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:31, Reply)

I fell off a rented bike
in the south of France, fell face first onto the wheel, got my lip caught in the spokes and passed out for two hours.

Woke up to find my lip swollen to three times the size.

Went to the zoo the next day to encounter monkeys who ran away from my mangled lip. Fun.
(Bloch McParty, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:30, Reply)

Never get into............
a taxi in the dominican republic at 3am ish, that you have to push to start, has no headlights and you have to jump in whilst rolling as the driver explains the brakes aren't working properly.... WHAAAAT. lets say when it come to him asking for a tip, we gave him some hilarious ones (so i say?)
(Bob Catshit, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:28, Reply)

italian trip
when i stayed out in the middle of some random place in southern italy miles from no where.

washing our clothes in the washing machine on the balconny i found that the door would open even when its full of water and washing i went OOOOO ELECTRIC FOAM !!!touched it and got electricuted

previously next door they had a full scale italian wedding all singing and dancing in the garden hundreds of people we had the urge to throw a egg over and see who we could hit,smack bang on target they really didnt expect an egg 2 hit them in there own backyard we then had 2 hold the door while 6 fat italian men tried 2 barge there way into our house to beat the crap out of us i just hid upstairs and played goldeneye while my m8s tried to reason with them through the post box
(braincanine, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Not a happy ending type of tale
This is a story of my friend on holiday.

October 2002.

Bali.

Gorgeous.

Top holiday place.

In the Sari Club, where EVERYONE goes at least once for a few ales...


Then - ** bang **.


Sorry for un-fluffy holiday story.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:56, Reply)

Lost In Rhodes
First night of my first holiday away from home will always be my worst.

I went out drinking with a pal the moment we arrived and kept up until i could drink no more (or even stay awake or speak). My friend bundled me in a taxi and informed the driver where to take me.

I woke up an hour or so later still in the taxi but now with other passengers with no idea where I was or where I was meant to be staying, neither did the driver for some reason. I had to pay to check into the first hotel I came across and then spend the next day phoning home and trying to find out the name of the hotel I was staying in. All very embarrasing and also very expensive as I seemed to of racked up quite a cab fair during my sleep.
( Smashy only 35 years of work to go :), Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:44, Reply)

But it broadens the mind...
So many. I've got super-powers when it comes to ruining countries. I could be hired out to evil governments to travel the world and spread havoc.
Nepal - royal family got gunned down the day I left.
Caribbean - hurricane hit two weeks after I left.
America - heard Bush's speech declaring war in the cab on the way to the airport (though that kind of spoiled Iraq, not America)
Sri Lanka - tsunami, again two weeks after flying out.
Other than that, fairly boring holidays. Broke my foot in the Gambia, almost got shot in Tobago, near death experience in a tuk tuk in Bangkok.

Don't know why I spend so much of my sodding wages on travelling, when I think about it.
(mookroolz, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Croatia
Last year a group of us rented a boat (complete with skipper) and spent ten days sailing around in Croatia. My husband is Italian, but everyone else on the boat was from Spain.

The other 2 women on the boat (Spanish ladies) were a bit pushy about the food and the cooking, (I mean, what do Italian people know about cooking?) and took over the whole process.

They loaded up the two fridges on the boat with ten days worth of food for six people. Even at a favourable exchange, that wasn't cheap. They divided the food into meat and not meat. There was a lot, a LOT of meat, pork, chicken, all sorts of cuts and sausages, my husband and I couldn't have eaten our share of it in a month, much less ten days.

Naturally, on the second day, the ladies discover that the second 'fridge' is just a cooler. Instead of the meat being stored at 4 or 5, it was holding steady at about 12.

They didn't throw ANY of it away. They saved the chorizo and other sausagey things til last, and ate the pork loin first, for example, but these people sat there and ate all this meat. My husband and I did the best we could to avoid it, but they were very pushy and we didn't want to rock the boat. (Fnar.)

Miraculously, my man and I only suffered minor tummy trouble. The blasted Spaniards were fine.

Of the three of them, one is a doctor and the other is a senior nurse. To this day they saw nothing out of the ordinary in eating 8 day old warm chicken.

I'll not mention the flies. Or the yoghurt.
(frookah, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Don't follow me
Most of my hoolidays are incident free. However it's the poor buggers on holiday the week afterwards I feel sorry for.

1. Holiday in Sri Lanka. Very nice. A week later the Tamil Tigers shot the airport up.

2. Driving trip round California. In Las Vegas we go for a helicopter flight over the grand canyon. A week later one of the helicopters has crashed killing all on board.

It's a cruise this year so I'm fully expecting a titanic style accident a week after we get back.
(Sickpuppy, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Chernobyl, 1986
knew we should have gone to disneyland...
(leftyleft, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:27, Reply)

chincoteague island, maryland
famous for its wild ponies. we went to pet one and it ended up eating my sandals. My feet were bloodied as i attempted to walk back across the field, full of mowed reeds (they're sharp as fuck)
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Cornwall 1970 (I think)...
...and my ickle sister was in nappies - the old towel type. Facilities in holiday camps at the time for cleaning these sort of things were non-existent, so mother soaks them in the toilet bowl. A perfectly sensible solution if it weren't for one fly in the ointment, so to speak. Enetr father who proceeds to use the toilet and flush the chain oblivious to its original contents. It took less than an hour for the whole sewage system at the holiday camp to seize up and the requirement for large amounts of trench digging and excavations.

The following morning as we sit at breakfast the owner of the campsite called for quiet as he related the tale to the assembled happy (although by now smelly) campers and holding the offending nappy aloft. He then, quite aggressively in my view, asked for the culprit to come forward and own up as 'it'll only be worse for you if I find out some other way'! (yes, we were paying for this abuse!).

Cool as a cucumber, father sat there, pointedly looking around at other tables where there were babies.

We left shortly afterwards and never returned.
(tell me about the rabbits, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:11, Reply)

Camping in Porthowan last August
Halfway there my Beetle starter motor stopped, so had to bump start it for the rest of the week.

3rd night at the campsite was windy so we went to the pub instead of sitting in the tent. Good job too as when we got back the tent had been flattened by a very very large tree, would have probably killed us. So, we rescued some beer from the wreckage and sat under the hand dryers in the campsite toilets getting pissed for the rest of the night.

Ended up driving to a static caravan in Tavistock to live out the rest of the holiday.

Hopefully doing the same again this year!
(Scribble, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:11, Reply)

it started so well
French skiing hoiday about two years ago with other half's uni mates.
Other half couldn't get boots to fit, he had a nightmare on the first night , woke up in a stange room with a 20st bloke screaming and flailing around, he end up kicking the wall in the process, taking loads of skin off his big toe ( it was not good) he spent the afternoons sat on the veranda soaking his feet in salt water drinking his vodka & coke. Me, could sleep for the next two nights cause I had a high temp and all over musucle spasms finally diagnose at the local medical centre as gastritis

At least I knew were it was when someone caught their thumb in the chair lift, and the best skier in the group broke his wrist learning to snow board. Serves him right for cutting me up in the piste.
(PK Nuts, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Kavos 1999
Left school, decided to go on holiday with my best friend, we pretended we were 19 to get in with the fit lads by the pool. By the 3rd night we were well in there, going out with them at the night time and generally getting wasted.

Then one night Rob (let's call him that because it was 6 years ago and i can't remember his name) asked me if i wanted a microdot... me not knowing what it was but trying to be all cool pretended i did and said sure why not. This leads to a very messy night generally talking to someone i could see in front of me with very big eyes. As my state of mind worsens so does the conversation which goes something like this Me: oh my god your eyes are really big, your scaring me go away! (with alot more panick in it than that) At which point the lads we were with and the person i was shouting at to go away decide i was really wasted and needed to go to bed. Which as i had no control over anything i was doing, i did with their help.

The lads and best friend stay out chilling by the pool while i'm Zding back at the apartment, 2 hours later they all come back to find that our patio window had been smashed i'm lay in a bed with glass all over me still fast asleep. I remember having a dream that a mirror smashed but i had no idea what was going on around me!

They then had to get the security guard and the manager who decided that there was no way i could have slept through the whole thing and that i must have done it myself! This then turned the rest of the holiday into a nightmare as they wanted me to pay for the damage. I didn't have the kind of money to pay for a new patio so they told me they were keeping my passport until i paid up. 2 days went by still no money and so they tried to get me arrested and deported!

Thankfully they didn't and the holiday rep sorted it out and paid for the damage after about 3 days tho.

Moral of the story don't try to be big it's not clever.

Thanks First Choice!
(mancminx, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 13:05, Reply)

Scotland, 1994
Day 1: I come down with flu. Spend the nine-hour journey to Scotland being sick.
Day 2: Sister catches my flu. Has feverish nightmares from which she cannot be woken and screams the place down every night.
Day 3: Dad gets flu. Suffers nightmares also.
Day 4: I start to feel better. Brother gets flu. Luckily doesn't have nightmares but does throw up all over rented holiday cottage.
Day 5: Mum gets flu.
Day 6: Everyone sick and miserable except me, and older brother who has miraculously not yet caught flu.
Day 7: Sick father drives us home. Vows never to visit Scotland again.
(supershinysarah, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Crete
On holiday in Crete 3 guys, 2 girls. One of the days the 3 of us guys decide to walk the Samaria Gorge.

The night before we all got absolutely pissed , so the next day I had a hangover from hell and didnt want to walk anywhere.

The days plan was 1. Drive to the gorge. 2. The girls take the van and go to the beach. 3. Us boys walk to gorge, catch the ferry to the beach and we all go back to the villa.

What happened was this. Got to the end of gorge and stopped for ice cream and beer, then wandered into town just as a ferry was pulling out, lots of joking about it being the last ferry haha. Get to the ticket office and find it was the last ferry going west which is the way we wanted to go, but in 2 hours there was a ferry going east. 2 hours later we catch the ferry going east, then have to board a bus to Hania with manic bus driver, who tries to overtake anything, regardless of any other traffic that might be in the way.

Get to Hania and try to find a taxi to take us back to the villa. As the taxi driver didnt quite believe where we were staying (the place doesnt appear on most maps) the owner of the taxi firm turns up to sort it all out. Finally with help from a couple of shop keepers we get it all sorted

So starts the the taxi journey from hell, the two quickest to the taxi bagged the back seats as no-one wanted to ride in the passenger seat, still not sure looking at death via the side window is any better than looking out the front. The taxi driver was a lunatic, going round corners at fell pelt, with only a mountain drop on one side. At one point a rabbit runs out in front the car, so the taxi driver tries to run it over, chasing the bloody rabbit into a field and starts going up a cliff in his taxi. I was never so glad to get out of my car in all my life.

Should have arrived on the beach to meet the girls at around 6.30pm instead got back to villa at 11pm.

Look back and think what fun
(loquis, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Bongo Camping Holiday
It was a great camping trip to Arcachon in South West France...but 336 hours solid of bongos is enough to test the patience of an ex-Nazi Youth Pope
(Pearly Pearl, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Easter 1975
Jolly holiday in Tywyn proposed by parents. Me and my sister are a bit young to understand, but excited all the same.

Dad drives us all day to Welsh coast, we arrive in seaside hotel. Me and my sister complain of itching.

Chicken Pox diagnosed.

Dad drives us all day back home again. I can't remember if we actually stayed a whole night there or not.
( chthonic, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:38, Reply)

Waterlogged campsite fun
This easter me and a gang of friends (including b3tans Chrico and TheArchSteve) decided a camping holiday would be a fun way to get in touch with our foolish sides. We planned a trip to the Peak District, in memory of a fun but vaguely traumatic Geography field trip there back when we were 15 or so. However, when we called the campsites there before we set off, it turned out that camping was cancelled for the week - all the pitches were waterlogged. This was a bad sign.

So, we decided on the New Forest instead. The weather had been pretty good down south so we were confident the conditions would be a lot better. The campsite we chose remained happily open and let us in just fine. Here we discovered a difference in camping policy.

In the Peak District, they will close camping because the site is waterlogged.
In the New Forest, they'll let you arrive, take your money and let you in, so you can discover the campsite is waterlogged for yourself.

I present a joyously dodgy digital camera photo of Chrico demonstrating the wonderful conditions: linky
Yes that's all water, and none of it is supposed to be there.

The holiday was amazing anyway, as these things usually are. Terrorizing the countryside with your best mates tends to be fun, even if you're soaking wet while doing it.
( kingofpork is the king of pork, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:21, Reply)

Nurses
Many moons ago I used to take groups of nurses away for the weekend camping and rock-climbing. It was a scam arranged by a mate of mine, the only straight male nurse that I knew, to get groups of fit young lasses out in the countryside where we could ply them with alcohol in the hope of getting our wicked way. (It generally worked but that's another story...)

Anyway, this one weekend a chap called Simon, a visual aids technician from one of the hospitals was coming along and he was getting really excited.

"I'm gonna get a shag this weekend" he burbled happily."Even I can't fail to score with this many women about!"

After a while his enthusiastic babbling started to get on my nerves so a plan was hatched. We left for North Wales on the Friday afternoon and camped on a farm in a field full of sheep conveniently next to a country pub. Got the tents up by 8 and headed for the boozer. Simon was still whispering to me and Bill about which nurses he thought he had a chance with and was frankly getting on my tits. So we had several pints, chatting about the climbs we were going to do the next day. I was cosying up to a sweet little blonde - Bill was with his then girlfriend and it looked like being a good night apart from Simon. After a couple of hours me and Bill slipped away for a while. Simon wanted to score did he? Then we'd have to help him.

We went back to the campsite, slightly pissed and then tried to catch a sheep. Ever tried to chase one of these fuckers down in the dark? They're faster than they look. We were running round this bloody field like demented sheepdogs on speed after these woolly little bastards and eventually Bill brought one down with a spectacular rugby tackle while the sheep was in mid-air. We wrestled it back up the field and into Simons tent. He'd be so pleased to find a young willing female in his tent when he got back. Job done, we repaired to the pub for more beer after our exertions.

About midnight, we all left the pub and headed back to the campsite. We watched eagerly as Simon crawled to the front of his tent and pulled the zip down.

Now here our cunning plan went a bit astray. The enraged sheep shot out of the tent like a woolly bullet and cannoned into Simons face. Crack! He was sparked out. He fell over backwards with blood streaming from his nose while everyone collapsed in fits of laughter. good job we had some nurses on hand. When they stopped giggling they patched Simon up by the campfire and eventually he went back to his tent again muttering darkly. This is where the second shock awaited him.

What we hadn't taken into account was that a sheep, when frightened, tended to shit and piss everywhere. So Simons tent, clothes and sleeping bag were covered in sheep-shit and strongly smelling piss.

He never did score that weekend!

I remain, as usual
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:18, Reply)

I hate Americans
On a skydiving holiday in California, I decided to take a walk away from the dropzone for a change of scenery. A baking hot day, I used my t shirt as a hat, half exposing my mohican (a 'rare' haircut out there, so I was told by a few bemused yanks)
Innocently walking down a deserted dirt track, I'm somewhat surprised when the law show up, search and cuff me, take my camera and chuck me in the back of a sweaty black cop car, no reasons given. Sitting on my handcuffs, we drive a few hundred yards to a garden centre, where the cop gets out and talks to the manager who's looking at me and nodding. He finally comes over to the car and says
'you're going down unless you tell us where your buddy is'
Buddy?
'The manager here says he saw you and your buddy dump a stolen pick up truck outside his store and run away'
'I didn't steal any pick up truck'
'I didn't say it was a pick up truck'
Then this other bloke from the store comes out, looks at me through the glass and says 'Yeah that's the dude. That's him'

Two positive id's and a cop who thinks he's clever. My doppelganger and his 'buddy' have disappeared. I'm doomed. A helicopter buzzing around looking for my 'buddy' is scaring the shit out of student parachutists dropping out the sky. I'm sweating buckets sitting on my handcuffed wrists for over an hour with a t shirt on my head.

How it turned round I don't know, maybe they found my 'buddy', or they found the only other person with a mohawk in that part of California. Either way I never got an apology, or my crap camera back. Did get presented with a pair of fluffy handcuffs at my club's award ceremony though...
(dustydisturbed, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Skiing Holidays
I managed to knock myself out while skiing in France. I don't remember much, but apparently I was rabbiting on about how I lived in Ireland, and I couldn't string my words together..
Cue a trip down the mountain in a blood wagon, then another trip to hospital in an ambulance. According to Nicey they only slowed down when he had to sign the insurance forms. He was very scared at the speed they went down those windy mountain roads. Me? I was very happy and a bit delirious.
I don't recommend French hospitals. Took three days before they'd let me out, and the food was crap.. I had NO TEA for the days I was there.
( Wifey, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:01, Reply)

I went on holiday
which was lovely but returned to my home in the lake district to find some one had rolled a rock over my sheep, children being forced to camp in my neighbours feilds against their will and a pair of dirty underpants in my front garden, along with several piles of vomit in the shapes of ticks and crosses, bloody school trips
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 11:54, Reply)