Had to go meet my sister one day
So on the train changed into some really nasty shiny traccy bottoms, pulled one leg up to my knee.
Put on a really stained t-shirt and a big bobble hat.
Then to top it off I pulled my extra large boxer shorts (pants grey) out of the waistband of my traccies right up to my chest.

Stepped off the train and shouted "Biddy, look they let me travel by myself" in my bestest spacker/mong voice and waving my arms wildly.

She took one look at me turned and ran for her car in the car park.
So I ran after her shouting in mongy terms how pleased I was to see her and could I have some crayons to chew on.
She did eventually let me in the car.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 7:54, 5 replies)

I broke my sister's arm ...
Children are more stupid than their parents give them credit for.

Way back when I was a wee chillin of about 9, the family went on the traditional working class week-in-a-caravan type holiday. My 6yo sister was sleeping in the top bunk and I was in the bottom one. These were campbed canvas sling type things and as I lay looking up at the indentation of my sister's snoozing form above me, I thought it would be jolly funny to place my feet under her sleeping form and gently push upwards.

Being only 9 and therefore completely ignorant of Newton's third law, I was astonished to see her topple out of the bunk bed onto the floor with a thump and a loud snap.

Bless her wee heart, she never grassed and I never fessed.
(Que?, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 5:18, 1 reply)

i said "Would of"

(McChinaman banned, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 2:36, 3 replies)

I didn't even know I'd been horrible.
Years ago I and my girlfriend went on a trip to New York. We'd been dating for a long time, had moved in together and everything was going swimmingly.
It was expected by all - myself included - that inevitably we'd get married, have kids and live happily ever after.
So. We're in New York and Valentine's Day arrives.
"Here's an idea," I say, "Let's go to the top of the Empire State Building and take in the view.*
"...... Fantastic!...." she replies, looking gob-smacked, delighted and otherwise overly-enthusiastic about visiting what is after all a fairly common landmark..
So a few hours later we're enjoying the view, I'm pointing out sights (and non-sights, like "Look! That's where the World Trade Centre isn't any more!") then we leave.
And she says little.
Days later the penny drops. She'd been expecting me to get down on one knee and produce a ring.
On Valentines Day. At the top of the Empire State Building. On our New York holiday. Which does, in retrospect, seem like the logical time/place combination.
She'd even had a manicure so her hand would look perfect for the "inevitable" pics of the engagement ring she could email home.
To family and friends who were also expecting the proposal.
Basically to a lot of people I love dearly who were now disappointed in me for not doing something I hadn't even thought I was supposed to do.

* At this point every girl who hears this story says something like: "Ah, of course! She was expecting a proposal" and every guy says "Ah, of course! You were going to the Empire State Building". Venus, Mars, etc.
( difficultchild, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 2:34, 11 replies)

Mimsy the Jack Russell terrorist.
Mimsy was a short-haired terrorist, and rather small for the breed. She belonged to the woman I was with at the time. I had what could best be described as a love-hate relationship with the dog- she could be needy and annoying and destructive and shat on the rug, but she could also be sweet and snuggly and loved to play with me.

Like most Jack Russell terrorists, she insisted on sleeping under the covers behind someone's knees. Usually it was her owner's knees, but often it was mine- she was generally partial to me over her owner, and would sleep with me if she could get away with it. She would run her nose down my spine and curl up in a miserable little shivering ball whenever it was cold, until the middle of the night when she was warm, when she would stretch out and insert a pointy little paw where it was least welcome.

Some nights I would drink Belgian ale with a bit of scotch. This invariably has the same effect on me every time- in the middle of the night and into the next morning I get the Death Farts. As a rule I avoid the combination for that reason, but on certain nights it was irresistible.

So on occasion I would climb into bed, tired and full of good ale, and the dog would run her cold little nose down my spine. An hour or two later I would feel the pressure build, and would let loose with a blast right on her head.

I always felt a bit of joy when it was enough to drive her completely out of the bed.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 17 Jun 2011, 2:32, 5 replies)

April fools joke gone horribly wrong
Many years ago I played an April Fools trick on my younger sister.
She had been moping around with a long face for a couple of days and any enquiry of "whats wrong?" was met with a sullen "nothing"
April fools day was a big thing in our family, everyone tried to catch each other out.
The day before April 1st, I bought a box of Roses chocolates, carefully unwrapped every one and made plasticine replacements, then refilled the box and wrapped it up in glittery paper, added a ribbon and a little card with nothing but a scrawled heart and a few X's inside.
On the morning itself I got up early to get ready for work, ignored the box sat on the kitchen table that was moving ever so slightly and the slices of plastic bacon and eggs in the fridge with a knowing grin.
Oh no, this year I was going to be household queen of the practical joke.
After sniffing the milk to make sure all was ok I made some tea and went up to wake my little sis, with the box of fake chocs.
A tale ready of how i found them on the doorstep.
Sisters little face lit up and she had the biggest smile I'd seen for days.
Ripped open the package, unwrapped a chocolate and stuffed it in her mouth.
I gleefully yelled "April Fool" and she absolutely dissolved into floods of tears.
After spitting out the plasticine, it transpired between hiccuping sobs that her BF had dumped her a couple days before and she thought the chocs were a 'sorry lets make up gift'.
So I broke my sisters heart for the second time in a couple of days :(
I felt such a shit and couldnt apologise enough.
Took days of grovelling and gift giving before I was grudgingly forgiven.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 1:15, Reply)

I sometimes snore
I have always told people that if I'm keeping them up then they are welcome to wake me up in whatever way necessary; I never remember it.

Soooooo......

Sleeping in a small room with 2 other people (who love me. That's the tenuous link). I'm in the top tier of a bunk bed. I'm snoring. Burly bloke in bottom bunk opposite gets up and pokes me. I stop. He goes back to bed.

I start again. He gets up and pokes me again. I stop. He goes back to bed.

I start again. He gets up, quite pissed off, and belts me on my arse (I'm lying facing the wall). I stop. He goes back to bed.

I start again. By this point he's had enough. He hauls himself out of bed, winds up, and punches me as hard as he can on my arse, determined that I will actually wake up properly this time, and give him a chance to get some kip.

Except it's not my arse. I've rolled over.

I woke up.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 23:59, 4 replies)

I used to
hold my wife's hand when we were at the shops, and limp and shout "AROOO!" so people would think she was my carer.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 22:57, 3 replies)

Anal

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 21:32, 5 replies)

My first job as a proper qualified nurse was on a burns unit.
Fuck me, there's some bad shit went on there.

















The poetry is simply AWFUL.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 21:03, 10 replies)

Me and the ex were about to head out for a drive
when she realised she'd left her phone in the house. She quickly nipped back inside, and unbeknown to her, so did I.
I lay down behind the sofa and waiting til she had reached the bottom of the stairs. At this point I jumped out and was expecting her to jump a bit and laugh.

No.

What happened instead was that she launched her newly picked up phone straight at me. The thing smacked me in the side of the head before I had time to duck.

I still get a bump appear on my head from time to time where it hit me.
( Fengol my apartment smells of rich mahogany, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 20:52, 1 reply)

Watch What You Say...
Ex-Mrs AeroClub was climbing the wooden steps to Bedfordshire one night after having had her four hours watching the usual midweek evening tripe (Hollyoaks, Holby City, Homes In The Garden, Celebrity Bellend, etc). Yours truly was parked on 't sofa watching one of the mind-numbing post-10pm satellite channels that seem like a good idea when you're flicking through the guide (you know the sort: Sexarama, Sin Cities, Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors, etc)

As she approached halfway, she paused and enquired if I was "coming up?". "Nah", replied I, "I'm going to stay up and make a list of people I want to kill",* in a tongue-in-cheek manner.

Well, I say tongue-in-cheek. I was then subjected to a castigating of the foolhardiness of such a venture and that, if my list were to be found, the kind of trouble I could find myself in.

Needless to say, this phantom list never got made and I traipsed up to bed with my tail between my legs... (although my cock ended up between hers about 10 mins later...)

*paraphrasing a line from a Naked Gun film (the films of course being nowhere as good as the original Police Squad! TV series, where Leslie Nielson's character is portrayed in a deadpan manner which makes him all the more funnier...)
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 16 Jun 2011, 20:32, 1 reply)

If we've ever had a row
I will use her toothbrush for a while, and then go to get a replacement for mine.

You never know.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 20:19, 3 replies)

I had this habit...
Of crawling up the stairs on my belly, the better to surprise and shock the missus. Creepy creepy creepy creep, I'd be there, waiting. Waiting... Ready to pounce.

Then, when my missus came out of the crapper...

I nearly cried; that multi-faceted assault on my olfactory senses sure taught me a lesson. I know my place.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 19:59, 1 reply)

Nose picking
I once woke up yelling in the middle of the night with my girlfriend's finger stuck up my nose. I mean so far up that it really hurt. God knows how she managed to get it up there while we were both asleep. Because she woke up to me screaming her immediate reaction was to jerk her hand away, which hurt even more. I had blood in my snot for days afterwards and my nose looked like I'd been 10 rounds with Muhammed Ali.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 19:35, Reply)

I kicked my brother through a window.
Not in a Bruce-Lee stylee, more in a kind of, brotherly scuffle, he loses his balance stylee.
Fortunately, there was a balcony on the other side, but he ended up with his arse through the pane, unable to move for fear of tearing his goolies off.

He couldn't shout, because we'd get a bollocking for breaking the window, so I was his only hope. I went downstairs, made two cups of tea as slowly as I could and then brought them up again, leaving the other just out of his reach.


To be fair, he had shot me with an air rifle just the day before. Sibling rivalry in the Psykopath household was robust, to say the least.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 16 Jun 2011, 19:23, Reply)

Years ago
I used to enjoy doing those Logic Problems books. The ones where you fill in a grid using bizarre clues such as "Nancy didn't have the cat called Tinker, which wasn't ginger. Tim's pet was 4 years old"

Anyway, I had been lying on the bed doing one of these before going downstairs. Later on, Mrs SLVA and I had a row about something most likely trivial and pathetic, and in the end she stormed upstairs and slammed the door. I left her to it rather than go after her, so I played Super Hang-On on the Sega Megadrive for a bit.

10 minutes later I went upstairs and found her reading in bed, with my Logic Problems book torn in half. She looked at me with a smug look on her face waiting for me to kick off, but I just cracked up which did kind of make things worse until I said,
"It's a good job I wasn't looking through the yellow pages because you'd still be struggling and sweating away trying to tear it in half". After which she couldn't keep a straight face, and in the end we had rather mediocre make-up sex.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 18:56, 6 replies)

20 years ago *wavy lines*
Christmas eve - my mates and I go out for a nice bit of Chinese and then down the pub. Group is made up of females and males and a nice bit of flirting is going on between me and a good looking, tall chap.

Then, it was everyone back to mine for more drinking and smoking. Trouble was, never a good idea to drink too much and then smoke a big fat joint as it can lead to intense and sudden nausea. I forgot this fact for a moment and as everyone else headed home, nice chap stayed.

In a flirty sort of way, he offered to give me a back massage which I thought was a splendid idea. However, 2 seconds in and the motion on my back was making me feel so sick that I couldn't even talk to say "stop".

Another 5 seconds later and I turned round to try and get him to stop and vomited chinese crispy seaweed all over him. He just got up and left without saying anything.

Okay - he wasn't yet a loved one but he could have been.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 18:20, Reply)

OMG, I've got so many of these!
is what my exes would presumably say.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 18:00, 2 replies)

A 'jug of warm water'.....
Stay with me on this – it’ll be worth it…

My brother – Bless – he’ll be reading this – he’ll be expecting this…

I must have been about 18-19 and I shared a room… Brother was about 13-14 and I had been out on one of my all day sessions – I remember it being a pretty hot day, I arrived home around midnight – pinballing up the stairs and entered my room. I’d been doing this for years – and had mastered getting into bed in the dark – minimising any disruption to my brother (not out of respect – he’d have started moaning if I’d have woken him). I remember there was no duvet on the bed as it had been washed – just as well really, it was a warm night – and I was pissed so a duvet wasn’t required. I fell into bed and into a heavy slumber…

Those of you familiar with this type of scenario will know that usually about 2 hours later you start to need a piss – not an ordinary piss – but a beer piss – about 3 gallons of the stuff – but you will keep putting it off…and off….and keep putting it off…. And then… you mentally talk yourself through getting out of bed and just getting the task over with….

So I get out of bed – and head off to the bathroom..I can see the toilet in front of me, I look left and see myself in the mirror and then bow my head and take aim.

‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………’ the relief – the sheer relief as I was emptying my bladder into the toilet…

Only I wasn’t

My slumber was awoken by the gargling groans of my brother. I look down and instead of seeing the toilet bowl I described – I saw my brothers face – looking slightly distorted as there was a small reservoir filling his eye sockets. Yes I was pissing all over my younger brothers face. This wasn’t a half hearted effort either – this was one of those ‘post night out’ beer pisses that last about 10 mins. I diverted from his face and onto his duvet and then onto the plasterboard walls where it made a hollow noise… It was at this point I properly woke up and realised what I had done.. I dashed into the bathroom to finish off my piss and then gingerly made my way back to my dry bed and went back to sleep. Leaving my brother in a situation he probably hadn’t experienced before – so he probably thought it was a dream and that is what helped me get away with it…

Upon waking the next morning – I was greeted by an angry mother. As soon as he woke – he felt compelled to grass me up/tell on me and I was read the riot act – which went along the lines of:

“So you think its funny to come in pissed and pour a jug of warm water on your brother eh? – you need to grow up – blah blah…” I wasn’t listening at this point. I had just woken up hungover to a raging parent and upon listening to her, I slowly started to recall what had happened all those hours ago – and as the shame hit me, I started to realise I had got away with it… as far as he and my mum were concerned, I hadn’t infact pissed all over him, but had awoken during the night, located a jug and filled it with water – not too cold to wake him but not too hot to scald him and emptied the lot on his face.

Obviously – this story was relayed in the pub over the next couple of days…It wasn’t until his 18th birthday at the local curry house that I told him... everyone on the table knew apart from him…. Happy Birthday!

The story doesn’t end there though – this wasn’t the last time ‘sleep pissed’

The same brother had completed his A level art course work, and had a rather large picture leaning against the chest of drawers which had taken him a long time to complete…. I came in one night and was violently woken (he’d become a light sleeper by now) to find myself turning his artwork into a water colour.

The next time was against the bedroom door and I was woken when my other brother came in and knocked me out of the way…

Bizarrely – all these events only ever took place on his side of the room – not mine

I haven’t sleep pissed for a many years now – but I have noticed a pattern that when these types of conversations take place – someone will sleep piss within a couple of days – like strange curse…
(Pat mustard, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:41, 1 reply)

Dervel's post reminds me of when I took me ex to see "The Grudge".
She was well and truly freaked, even though we ended up laughing at most of the "scary" parts.
Cue later that night and we are in bed, it's dark, she's been moaning about leaving a light on in the lobby and I told her to grow up. Just as I think she's drifting off I did that weird, back of the throat, growl thing the ghost boy does.

Sounds like this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0v24Af1KhU&feature=related

One small scream from her.
Then one loud slap followed by LOTS of swear words.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:33, Reply)

christmas about 2004 my lovly wife had a seriously gooey
and runny head cold with all the snot and eye bogeys that go with it.
feeling very tired and drowsy she fell asleep and i being the typical caring loving hubby decided to selo tape her eyes closed.
aside from having her mum sitting there pissing her self I did video it as well, unfortunately since lost, but the upshot was her trying to open her eyes and being unable to. me and mum in law crying tears at my groggy wife struggling with what she thought was gunky eyes .
cruel but oh so funny if the video ever resurfaces then it will be posted
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:19, Reply)

University
I suddenly became attractive to the opposite sex and proceeded to shag any female who would show interest.
On one occasion I had taken a young lady home, appropriatly serviced her then realised the next morning another enthusiastic lady was coming round at 11AM to go to lunch.

I actually asked the girl from the night before to leave by the back door and take the 'tradesmans entrance' out. She looked at me with open mouthed awe at my arrogance.

She could hear the other girl at the front door talking to me as she walked past on her way home.

Ok, I didn't love the girls in question but still feel bad about it to this day.
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:10, 4 replies)

I bought my dad
Lottery scratch cards for his 60th Birthday.

These were trick cards though, with a prize of £30,000

I bunched it together with several real tickets to make it look realistic.

He was running around the room for a good 10 minutes before we told him.

Love you dad.

Edit - I wasnt a cheap bstard - me and my brothers actually bought him a new Digi Camera - which we filmed the whole episode on.. ironically.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 17:09, 7 replies)

Bath room
Im in the bath chillin in some radox

The bathroom door blasts open and my mrs says
"be quiet i need to go" and then either drops a u boat
or literally takes the piss.

i for some reason find myself covering my dong*
which she's seen a million times with the sponge and some foam
and saying "christ is their any chance of a quiet moment in this house ? "

*i say dong i mean semi

this happens with regularity
(Cov Boy, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 16:43, 3 replies)

Mrs Vagabond and I enjoy going to the supermarket together
We generally piss about and "fly" on the trolley etc etc.

One day she did something - I can't remember what, tickled me or something - and I turned to her and said (as per usual), "Do that again and I will black your eye."

She just ignored it - stuck her tongue out at me or whatever - but with dawning horror, I noticed that ALL the women in the aisle were looking at me. Arms folded. You just fucking try it, Sunshine. You just fucking try it.

I have rarely been so simperingly pathetic and fawning over anyone before or since.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 16:42, 6 replies)

My girl, my girl, don't lie ... to me
In the early 2000s, I discovered that Nirvana's cover of Leadbelly's "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?" reduced my at-the-time girlfriend to tears, because she thought I was attempting to guilt-trip her. I wasn't then, but I sure as hell was when I played it the next time.

Never done anything like that before or since, I might add.
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 16:41, 5 replies)

I once said
'I promise not to cum in your mouth'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 16:39, Reply)

I covered my ex with blood....
After an altercation with my ex (where she helped me through the livingroom window)
I got up looking at the open wound where my finger used to be and she said...
"oh great! there's blood everywhere now"
So I picked up a tea towel and flicked my hand at her covering her face in blood, wrapped my hand in the tea towel and left to have my hand rebuilt.... they had the technology, but i lost the feeling in my middle finger on my right hand.

It's amazing how long it took me to learn to wipe my bum with my left hand, There was many a shitty sock for the first week or two.
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 16:35, Reply)