Financial institutions that are "too big" to fail
Excuse me, but wasn't there something called Neoliberalism in the 70's? Remember that? Von Hayek, road to serfdom - where he outlined how socialism and state control would lead to poverty and fascism? Thatcher and all that? The gradual erosion of the welfare state and council housing programmes? Now, surely if the financial sector is going to be granted more freedom from state intervention to pursue the ideal of a free market that's all very well and good. But where the fuck do they get off accepting state bailouts from the goverment? It seems that socialism and state intervention are bad for the economy, and indicative of a creeping inneficiant beuocracy/communist menace and a downturn in competition. However when private enterprises look like they are going to fail (as happens in capitalism and a free market economy) suddenly state intervention seems to be the only way forward.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:37, 15 replies)

More god bothering.
I have little time or respect for these fuckers. Mainly due tho their urgent need and desire to park as close as humanely possible to 'gods house'.

Nearer to thee indeed.

This rush, panic and general excitement means that they tend to park anywhere they can. It doesn't matter that it might be

1)Inconsiderate
2)Selfish
3)Dangerous
4)Lazy
5)Annoying
6)Thoughtless

All that matters is that they don't have to walk an extra 30ft to begin their pathetic supplication.

There is LOADS of places to park, a bit further up the road, and not really that far, not far at all.

Tell you what, best park in the bus stop there, yeah...I mean, there won't be any mothers with puchchairs (or fathers), school kids or the elderly wanting to get on or off the bus now will there. So long as you are as close as you can get to the FUCKING door.

Time after time I have had to repress the urge to stop the car and systematically key every car that somehow contravenes my own 'sensible parking' law. Either that or get a loads of those hard-as-fuck-to-get-off stickers, that simply says CUNT, and stick it to their windscreen. Fuck it, even a piece of A4 with obligatory magenta cock would suffice.

So to sum up, if you go to church, actively enjoy and believe in it all, the fair do's, but you are still a stupid cunt.

if however you go to church, actively enjoy, believe in it all AND be a selfish cunt. Then let god be your judge. Failing that I will judge you when you get out by standing beside your car with a placard saying

"A Selfish CUNT parked here"



Death based religion anyway, you're welcome to it ya fucking rockets..
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:14, 10 replies)

Another driving one
Ok, I'm actually ashamed of this one as I nearly killed myself and 2 other people doing this.

Hypocrisy? Well, you'll see. The short version is this:

I was driving home and came to a village (name witheld) which had a 40mph limit. Unfortunately, I was doing about 70 at the 40 limit sign. The roundabout was just after the sign and there was no way I was going to stop. Ever.

So I didn't and flew across the mini (ish) roundabout at about 65.

Right across the front of the car to my right which I damned nearly hit.

My reason for not stopping? I was on the phone.

Who to?

The guy who I nearly hit.... We were just telling each other we really shouldn't be on the phone while driving - shortly before a scream from him and his OH as "some crazy bastard has just driven over the roundabout at breakneck speed nearly killing us all.... Hang on JTW - was that you???"

This was about 6 years ago - he still reminds me and everyone else of this ....

The moral - don't talk and drive :)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:12, 7 replies)

I lik bangers and mash but having a go a veggies for being veggies really annoys me.
"You lot are always having a go at us for what we eat. Just like I am doing to you now, even though you haven't had a go at me and all that you have actually done is ordered a salad"

If someone has a go at you for being a vegetarian it's because they have a tiny penis.

This is true regardless of their gender.
(teebie jeebie, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:07, 3 replies)

Inspired by the Snark's posts
re: the type of christianity she refers to

must be nice to know that no matter how much of an utter fucking cunt you are that as long as you make out that you are sufficiently sorry at some point before you die then everything is fine.

whereas the rest of us are going to hell. frankly I'm looking forward to meeting you all there. Terry Pratchett tells us that the only music in heaven is Elgar or Liszt
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 17:06, 4 replies)

Oh, lookie. Another religion basher.
As many of my stories are about my creepy cow-fucking hometown, I figured I would post yet another.

All throughout my youth and early teenage years, one of my very best friends was D. D came from a family of abject and extreme poverty and the shining points of their lives were God and prayer. Their standard of living was genuinely awful, but God would protect them. They spent their waking hours praying and volunteering at the local church. From the outside, they seemed like a happy, devout and virtuous family.

D’s cousins were staying to visit, so D had to sleep on her brother’s floor. Wearing a t-shirt and a pair of panties, she snuggled into her sleeping bag for your normal and average night’s sleep. And her brother violently raped her.

She fell pregnant as a result of this brutal incestuous rape. One would think that, logically, the parents might be quite upset with the brother for doing such a disgusting and genuinely abhorrent thing, but oh no. They said that she enticed him by sleeping in only a t-shirt and a pair of panties. They called her a whore, they called her a sinner, they called her a Jezebel. They wouldn’t allow her to get an abortion.

Religion can often find an excuse for evil, and I lost faith when religion made her the criminal.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:48, 20 replies)

Militant Muslim Fundamentalists
who fight against the decadent capitalist materialist West,while using russian-made kalashnikovs,british-made survival gear,american-made missiles and plastique made in France.Is Allah proud,you misguided fucking cunts?
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:45, 5 replies)

Driving
Thanks PJM - but this really belongs in the Darwin bin.

Well, sortof.

The OH has a habit of hitting things in her car (not so much the current one as I paid for it) - anyway, I had been going on at her for hitting things in her car and that I wasn't aletting her drive mine.

So, we had an argument about something and she gets out of the car before I put it on the drive.

You might see where this is going.

Especially as I have front AND rear parking sensors.

Front sensors beep. A lot. "It's ok", I think - no, it's not as I scrape/hit the brick post.

Arse.

The OH hasn't let me live that one down yet - and that was over a year ago....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:44, 3 replies)

new-age mindless fucksies
who bleat and preach about the virtue of the unadulterated life,the purity of vegetables,and the rejection of the material world in deference to the spiritual.
who then go out and buy expensive and environment-damaging crystals at way above their actual value,fill their home with cards bearing inane platitudes,and drive their whinging shitcreep kids to school in an SUV.
Fuck you,fuck you forever you fucking fucks.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Saddlebacking.
Saddlebacking: sad•dle•back•ing \ˈsa-dəl-ˈba-kiŋ\ vb [fr. Saddleback Church] (2009): the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.

After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage. Unfortunately her parents found out because they got santorum all over the sheets.

(Credit goes to Dan Savage)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:22, 7 replies)

Born-again virgins.
My first roommate in college was of the Extreme God-Bothering type. Born and raised a Baptist, my heathen ways raised many eyebrows. I had a serious boyfriend, though, but owing to some creepy atheist morality thing, I hadn’t slept with him. Hey, I was getting around to it. Eventually.

Then she discovered alcohol. If she had a drink, she was unable to keep her fanny in her pocket. I had many nights shut out of my room or, worse yet, pretending to sleep while she took it vigorously from behind mere feet from my face. The sex spores, they got everywhere. Actually, most disturbing were the white splodges which appeared throughout the room.

Eventually the guilt became too much and she became a born-again virgin. The ceremony lasted about 15 seconds and took place in the basement of the college chapel. Fine, I thought, great, at least I can get some sleep now.

The next week was filled with every one of my sins being pointed out to me. I swore, I had touched a penis…I was smote, and I was smoten right and proper. I was all sorts of smote to hell. I couldn’t bloody stand the hourly Bible lessons, I was beginning the like the previous slutty incarnation much, much more.

Thursday rolled around and I had a blinding headache, the sort that makes the contents of your tum-tum shoot out your face. I stayed in my room while my roommate went down to see my boyfriend and give him the terrible news. My headache improved and my roommate hadn’t returned, so I meandered to his room and wandered in as usual…

…and you’ve got to be fairly stupid to not know how this story ends. This story ends with my roommate riding my boyfriend bareback. My Godly, pious, judgmental roommate having unprotected cowgirl sex with my serious boyfriend.

Her response wasn’t an apology, but more the statement that God said that a woman should please her man with her vagina. Oh good.

Needless to say, we didn’t remain friends or roommates for long. She became a born-again virgin yet again and kept herself ‘pure’ for her future husband. She met him a matter of months later and their first daughter was born 5 months after their wedding date.

I did not send flowers.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:15, 7 replies)

Fucking Triple Point making bastards
This irks me. This rankles my cankles.

This happens to me all the time. I am having a serious conversation with someone, either business or personal or whatever.

They tell me their point.

Fine. I give my view. The conversation should now be concluded. Hang on! What’s this?

I get the point again from the other person, but ever so slightly elaborated upon. The gist of the point is exactly the same.

I grunt, and say “yes I understand, thank you”.

This then puzzles the other party. Perhaps I haven’t been listening. Perhaps they should force the point home a bit further.

Out comes the same point but Now With Added Emphasis.

I say, “Look, you’ve just said that. I understand, lets move on.”

Then I am accused of not listening, 'Going Off On One', and liking the sound of my own voice.


- If people try to tell you the same point over and over again while you are trying to eat your fucking bananas, TEXT POWERVATE-1

- If people only try to tell you the same point once, and once only, then fucking leave you alone to eat your bananas, TEXT POWERVATE-2

- If people stare at your neck fixatedly when you speak until you can feel yourself get redder and redder until you have to go to the bathroom to wash your fucking neck until it bleeds, TEXT POWERVATE-3
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:06, 4 replies)

Little chef
Back when I worked at little chef; fat bloke wobbles in every week, orders a breakfast so big it takes three staff members to carry over and a JCB on standby to serve it. Having demolished this morsel, the bloke carefully puts a few sweeteners into his coffee, smug in the knowledge that he's exercised enough will-power to avoid a teaspoon of pure cane sugar. What a nonce.

(More personal hypocrisy; I worked at little chef, yet I consider myself above the dregs of society)
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:04, 2 replies)

Hypocrisy? or just plain idiocy....

In my late teens, I had one of those mates that everybody encounters at least once during their life...One of those ‘laddish’ types who was not exactly the brightest, but would insist on calling anybody who ever displayed an example of behaviour that was not choc-full-to-the-brim with bulging masculinity a ‘Queer’, or some other derogatory, lover-of teh-cock comparative.

The bloke in my case was called Gaz.

Examples:

Gaz: “Wanna nuvver beer?”
Me: “No thanks, I’ve got to get home”
Gaz: “QUEER!”
Me: “Hmm”

And…

Gaz: “Did you watch the match last night?”
Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was out with my girlfriend”
Gaz: “YOU FUCKING BENDER!”
Me: “Wha? Oh, forget it.”

And so on and so nauseatingly on…

Despite Gaz’s throbbingly overcompensating lifestyle he managed to pull an excrutiatingly stunning girlfriend called Sophie. I always had a hard soft spot for her, she was gorgeous, intelligent and fun, if a little timid. Gaz, however ruled over her like a caveman dragging a carcass into a cave.

On one particular occasion my then g/f and I were out with Gaz and Sophie. We were walking back home from the chip shop after the pub and were talking about something or other when I made the disastrous mistake of commenting in a slightly sensitive manner on the topic of conversation.

“You’re so GAY!!!” Gaz gleefully exclaimed in a brutal attempt to raise awareness of my obvious apparent homosexuality and the heinous crime to humanity that it clearly was to him.

(This was also despite the rather overwhelming evidence of a girlfriend by my side, and a previous history of girlfriends).

Gaz was undeterred. “POOFTER!” He yelped, pointing at me like a one-man hate crime.

“Oh, fuck off, you’re a homophobic” I retorted.

Quick as a flash, Gaz then replied: “No way am I homophobic…I LOVE giving it up the arse!”

My jaw dropped and I gasped with in wide-eyed astonishment. Then, still struggling to comprehend his logic I glanced over to poor Sophie, who simply nodded her head glumly and whispered: “he does…” as her cheeks began to glow darkest crimson.

Still shocked by his answer, I could then only ridiculously reply: “erm……well…..that doesn’t prove anything…that just makes you a hypocrite.”

“Ah-HA!...No it doesn’t!” replied Gaz instantly, giving a confident, beaming grin before continuing: “Because I also like Sophie to shove stuff UP my arse too! (here he turns to Sophie) Don't I, darlin'?”

At this point lovely Sophie could stand no more and she quietly elbowed him in the ribs whilst whispering to him: “pleeeease shut the fuck up...”

As for me, I just couldn't bring myself to eat my battered sausage after that. But on the plus side, Sophie's admission did make a big impact with helping my then girlfriend dabble towards venturing into the dark arts of chutney cupboard exploration…

So in a roundabout way, I’ve got Gaz to thank for that ;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:00, 2 replies)

The Disposable Heroes...
...no...wait...that's Hip-hopcrisy.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 15:40, 4 replies)

Peanuts, no thanks.
We were at the bar, all my stories happen in bars.

I offered her some peanuts from the bowl on the bar top, oh no she says, guys never wash there hands after the toilet, that bowl will be full of germs.

This was 5 minutes after giving me a nice uncovered BJ in the toilets.

Length about 5 mins.
(nee22 NL ExPat, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 15:31, 1 reply)

newspapers
I will not buy the Daily Mail or the Sunday Mail on principle. Or the sun

Yeah, right, NORMALLY. I have possibly 4(?)times bought these in the last 5 years for the DVD freeb.

Is a hangover any excuse when you are going to hell?
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 15:15, 5 replies)

*joins vegetarian bandwagon*
RIGHT. Vegetarians are people who eat vegetables.

But ask a libertarian when they last ate a liberal, and they'll look at you in disgust. Ask a librarian when they last ate a library, and they'll think you're mad.

Ask a nonagenarian when they last ate a 90-yea... and so on.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? etc


Sorry.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 15:12, 8 replies)

Speaking of plod....
Local cops stopped the boy racers doing handbrake turns and skidding about on the snow in the local industrial estate.

And once the local boy racers had left, proceeded to do it themselves for 20 minutes.
( TBL I posted this on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 15:04, Reply)

a non-angry one.
My then-girlfriend and I went to see Nitocris, an all-female punk/metal popular beat combo of the day, playing at the uni bar. You might have heard their tune 'rarrrr arg screech'.

My girlfriend was very much a feminist.

Seeing the members of Nitocris hanging around the stage, she asked "are those the band's girlfriends?"

Tee hee. She was very embarrassed.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:51, Reply)

"why is everyone
on this site so superficial? Looking for someone who will judge me for who I am.

Do not bother contacting me unless you have a photo."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:42, Reply)

I've not met a bigger one
As I have mentioned on these hallowed pages before I am part of the special constabulary and as part of that role I sometimes get to go on patrol with the regulars, sometimes on foot and sometimes in the vehicles on response (which is cool when you get the blues and 2's going!).

Now I want to say now that most of the coppers I've met are very good at their job, they are considerate, professional and have a great sense of humour in a role that requires it.

On one occasion I was on patrol with a regular in a patrol vehicle and he was talking to me about his favourite methods of catching people and how his big bugbear was idiots who use their phone while driving (which is fair enough)...he then starts to check his texts on his phone while driving.

A bit later on we catch a bloke speeding (he was easily doing 50 on a 30 road and it was a residential area) so we pulled him and breathalysed him and it came back positive. This meant that he had to be taken to the custody suite for a formal breath test. On the way to the custody suite this idiot of an officer is speeding over the limit to get there. To which the guy in the back rightly points out:
'If I was doing this then I'd be stopped? Wouldn't I?'

Not exactly a high point for me, although I guess we did stop a drunk driver that night...

No wonder some people hate the police.

Sorry for lack of funnies or star wars story
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:41, 9 replies)

sometimes whilst
looking at someone and, based solely on their appearance, I find myself thinking

'you're a Daily Mail reader.'
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:18, 5 replies)

Stupid dog owners and swans
I was having a lovely cup of tea the other day on the tow path when this generic middle class wax jacket twat comes trotting along with her new massive pedigree puppy. the puppy wanted to get at the swans who were preening there shit on the bank, so she decides to take it over to them. Ok! everyone knows about swans yes? large, vicious obnoxious bird beasts right? So of course the main swan the biggest one rears up hissing and twats the dog in its face with its wing, dog yelps, the husband or inbred brother calls over advising her that this was not a good situation, to this she calls back " He has to learn Marcus! you should never interfere with nature!" I nearly spat my tea out. I mean how will she teach it to avoid trains? throw it at one on Kings cross station???? And of course there's nothing more natural than a dog and a Swan sharing there river bank dwellings is there????? arghhhhhh! Idiots
(glue Joy division oven gloves at dawn, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:18, 5 replies)

And... oooh the Christian Slut...
Now back in my uni days there was a girl who I was friends with. For a while. And coz I'm not a total bitch I just allowed out friendship to drift apart when I'd decided she was a hypocritical evil fat ugly cow.

She was a Christian. Not that I have anything against Christians, people putting me before themselves is always nice! BUT I used to go to Church, I knew the rules. And I decided I wanted to break them. The no getting rat arsed or having sex (or getting rat arsed and having sex) was the killer... So I stopped going to Church and ceased being a Christian.

This girl was in the Christian society, she blabbed on and on about her God friends and how she was adored in the Church and... oh you know the type.

Clearly she didn't think that drinking heavily was an issue, fine. At least she respected the "thou shalt not commit adultery".....

To a point. She believed that as long as the boy bit hadn't gone in the girl bit it was ok. So oral, fine. Quick tit wank, also fine. Prick tease...? Well no, because she was hideously ugly. You'd always see some traumatised guy heading out of her room the following morning saying "I don't remember what happened, but the next thing I knew she'd shut me in her room..."

And she quite happily did everything-but-the-deed with a guy who was dating one of the girls she called a friend.

My blood boils just thinking about it.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:17, 5 replies)

Corpulence and diet drinks
I worked at place that had a social club that was run by one of the most charming or irascible old fellahs. (Depending on the amount of the profits he had imbibed at that point in the day.)

There was a weeble of around 16 stone in accounts who turned up with her women shaped friends on a Friday lunch, and a round was ordered.
G+t`s, glasses of wine, "and i`ll have a diet lemonade please" " bit fucking late for that darlin` innit?"

There was a large amount of beer nostril syphoned and sprayed at this point.

The insult went right over her head, not a glimmer, unless that was self control, which she obviously lacked in other departments.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 14:16, Reply)

swearing
My gran reckoned you shouldn`t swear in front of children and had a workaround that it took me until I learned to use a dictionary to suss.
"fornicating" was one and inspired my use of the term "nofather" in front of kids.

Mum told me this one, I was too young. I was being minded by gran so we went to the shops, the short way through the allotments and beside the local park via a little lane/alleyway
For some reason the local dog owners used it as a dog toilet, probably after the park as you got fined a now ludicrously small amount in old money for dog dumps.
It had a nickname, guess?

We got back to grandad and mum and dad who were living there ( so that puts me at about3 years old) and Grandad asked me where i`d been today
"dog shit alley"
All convulsed with laughter and gran was mortified which made it funnier.

Kids have fickle memories and the last and loudest thing shouts out first. I couldn`t have got it from anywhere else.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 13:57, 1 reply)

Thou shalt not have sex
...Was the constant warning from my step-dad. All through my teens. And even into my early 20s.

For example...

Me - "Dad, is it ok if I go to the cinema?"

Dad (aghast) - "Well, will there be BOYS there???"

As if I, at 16 was going to take each and every one out to the toilets and rape them. You get the idea.

Then we found out he'd been nobbing my LITTLE sister's mate for two years. At the same time as he was (attempting) to impose an 11 o'clock curfew on me (at 20).

There is no justice in the world.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 13:44, 4 replies)