Drink
I don't drink alcohol, I tried it for a while, but ultimately I felt it was not for me. Now, I'm as likely to put pins in my eyes as I am to drink, I just don't like it. This is my desicion, and I've never preached about it, and don't discuss it or draw attention to it unless someone asks, and having tried it, I can safely say I'm happier like this.

In saying this, I know a lot of people enjoy it, and I'm not anti-alcohol, and will happily slurp coke or somesuch as people have a few pints, although I will generally leave the premises when people start to get ridiculously drunk, as that's where the fun stops for me.

My problem is with people who, while completely drunk, and barely coherent, feel the need to preach to ME about my drinking habits. People who tell me to 'loosen up and have a few' or 'stop being such a bore' when they are the ones who need huge quantities of a drug to allow them to have 'fun', yet cannot even begin to think that their drinking habits may be harmful.

I have never even attempted a come-back in these situations, as I know it would fall on deaf ears, but the hypocrisy of it astounds me.
(Duckeee Is nothing special, in fact, she's a bit of a bore, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 21:08, 9 replies)

"devout" christian
My folks moved when I was 10, the spinster (Winnie) next door was a church goer and made sure you were aware of it. She bought a puppy named peter, All you could hear was "No Peter, bad boy," he was kept tethered in the garden on a chain ( with a kennel) but a friendly if a little nervous thing. no wonder!

One day I got confirmed what I suspected , she was beating him with his leash I had a go and got told to "mind your place boy" so I went in to gran " Gran she`s hitting that puppy and told me to sod off"

4ft 6 of trouble launched into action, gave her a an earsplitting including "Typical, church on a sunday ,and think your shit doesn`t stink for the rest of the week? hard luck it does and I`ll report you or give you as good as you gave him if i ever catch you again, You wicked cow". If I remember she said "and if my grandson catches you I`ve told him to knock on Mrs swithenbanks(?) door she`s got a phone to call the RSPCA " (and she`s in the same church and is one of the lay officials, oops)

It stopped.
The irony was that Gran had been in the Salvation army and manned soup kitchens in the east end during the appalling times after the great war ended. Her attitude was: You don`t need all that cant, if you can`t do a good one don`t do a bad one, but if someone deliberately does a bad one to you and yours teach them never to do it again.
works for me, I have my own set of hypocrisies
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 18:41, 1 reply)

Smoking (again)
I don't mind people smoking, but I have berated one or two mates at work who've quit for ages and then gone back.

Why is this hypocritical? Because I fucking love cigarettes. I just try my damnedest not to allow myself them because I know I'm too weak to quit if I start smoking regularly.

Essentially, I'm berating them for not being able to quit when I myself know I would be exactly the same in their situation.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 18:31, Reply)

Hmmm
I can never be bothered to read long posts they take too long and bore me, but I'll quite happily write a novel and wonder why I get no replies.
I like to think of it not as hypocrisy, more laziness. (this post might also apply to QOTW a few weeks ago as I was too lazy to write it then)
( randomwomanwholikespink, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 18:22, Reply)

I eat meat
I choose to. I love bacon, burgers, steaks, pork chops, sushi, seafood, it's all good. When I think about the little lambs being slaughtered, or the big eyed cows getting the old stun gun to the cranium, I think to myself, "well that's a part of life, that's what happens so that I get my lovely steak", I don't feel happy about it, but I realise that it's something that has to happen in order for the majority of the UK population to eat the diet it wants to.

So when I see meat-eaters getting horribly squeamish and offended by the very idea of animals being killed, telling me that they love all animals, I get annoyed. You're eating a thing that was once alive, that once walked this earth, if you can't deal with the fact that it had to die for you to eat it, then stop being such a hypocrite and go veggie.

Also, what's wrong with eating cats? Just because they're cuter than pigs, doesn't mean they deserve to live more. We eat rabbit, and that's a comparably domesticated animal.

Pah, if all the hypocritical meat-eaters just became veggies they could leave all that delicious animal flesh for cynical cold hearted buggers like me.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 18:17, 18 replies)

Smoking....
This is grade A Hypocrisy, and annoyed me immensly...

Me and my mates arn't exactly massive smokers (there were two of us who smoked), but they did do a bit of w**d every now and again.


A close mate of mine (Sam) started to smoke because he was offered one (this was about six months ago).

Sam's girlfriend was VERY upset with him about it and she kicked up a fuss about it every time she smelt it on him, or saw him do it doing the whole "I hate it when you smoke!" and "Don't come near me" routine. She even tried to make him to quit.

Anyway...

A couple of months ago, we all went out, and before we went inside, the smokers stopped for a smoke, and so we stayed with them (to be polite, you know?). Sam's girlfriend then got a ciggarette out and sparked up and complete outrage was upon the group.


I just annoyed me that after trying to get Sam to quit and the shouting and everything else... she has the face to spark up herself!

Now I've got that off my chest... I can go and make some dinner now.


(ps. they tried to get me to smoke... they failed...[*insert long and complicated family history here*])
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:51, 1 reply)

Heal thyself!
I am a smoking cessation advisor. I am doing a PhD in "how to stop people from smoking".

I smoke about a million a day and sometimes I wonder if I'm only doing it so I can have all the fags in the world to myself.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:51, 3 replies)

Theres a newsagents near where i work
And it has a big banner on the front saying
"Daily Mail - The Friendly Paper"
(Big Ginge putting the laughter into manslaughter, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:38, 7 replies)

Atheists
1.since this question is gonna bring out the stereotypes...i hate stereotypes, but i'm gonna post one anyway...

Atheist: rah rah i hate these christians (it is always christians, never buddhists or hindus, because these religions cannot be argued with in a scientific way) they think they know everything, but if you press them about it, they can't explain. they just believe what they're told!!
modern science completely debunks the christian religion! it was the big bang that started the universe...

Q: could you tell me about the big bang?

A: well yeah all the matter in the universe was compressed and then it exploded outwards

Q: can you explain why?

A: no.

Q. can you explain how life was formed?

A: no but the scientists said......
(ewe, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:34, 64 replies)

DON'T show me your tits
Why is that woman, or the vast majority of, take the time, and the effort to dress themselves in such a way so that their boobies are 'on display'. Then have the gall to be outraged if they catch you ogling the goods.

WHAT?

On a night out, a girl who resembled a chinese hobbit was wearing.....no.....had a top dangling from her tits, and they were just there, in all their pasty glory.

Now, i didn't have any sexual interest in her or her albino puppies, but whilst talking to her, your eyes were drawn to the spongey vista. Mid-conversation she said, not in an annoyed way, but said none the less, something along the lines of 'yeah, once you stop looking at my tits'....

I told her to shut up and cover them up then, she laughed, i laughed, but i hated her from that moment on.

What is it all about. What if men had the desire to dress in such a way that they revealed a bit of ball sack or veiny bangstick and strutted about proudly waving their 'attributes' for all sundry to see. Surely they would be hoping to draw attention to it, HOPING that someone would be ogling their wares.

Why can't woman just keep their tits under their jumpers, after all, 'the unknown' is the greatest turn on of all.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:16, 15 replies)

Fall Guy
I am a hypocrite because i lambast people who answer the previous QOTW and then do so myself like now

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell
But I've been seen with Farrah
I've never been seen with anything than a nine
So fine

I've been on fire with Sally Field
Gone fast with a girl named Bo
But somehow they did not end up as mine

It's a death defyin' life I lead
I take my chances
I die for a living in the movies and TV
But hardest thing I ever do
Is watch my leading ladies
Kiss some other guy
While I'm bandagin' my knee

I might fall from a tall building
I might roll a brand new car
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman
That makes Redford such a star

I've never spent much time in school
But I've taught ladies plenty
It's true I hire my body out for pay (hey, hey)

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs
Blown up for Raquel Welch
But when I wind up in the hay,
It's only hay (hey, hey)

I might jump an open drawbridge
Or Tarzan from a vine
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman
That makes Eastwood look so fine

That will be all
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:13, 2 replies)

HR Insanity
This is pretty much word for word an email I got last year from someone in our HR department whom I knew.


From: HR Bot
To: Powervator
CC: Powervator’s director, CFO, CEO

Subject: Usage of inappropriate language

Powervator,

It has come to my attention that you used inappropriate language in an official, auditable, month-end financial report that you wrote. Although we did not receive an official complaint as such, once it was brought to our attention we felt that this sort of thing should be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. As I am sure that you are aware, this company does not condone in any way, shape, or form, racist language, tone, or behaviour. Your usage of the word ‘niggardly’ therefore did not adhere to this principle and thusly did not adequately reflect the general tenets of the company’s racial equality program that we have laid down and ask(ed!) you to respectfully abide by. Adhesion to this policy is also part of your employment contract.

Looking at your record, although you have not historically displayed any sort of racial prejudice or more general overtly racist behaviour, this incident must and will be recorded on your permanent employee file and could be used in the event of a disciplinary hearing.

As it currently stands, you should consider this to be a formal first strike warning. If two such further incidences arise, then this will be treated as gross misconduct and grounds for instant dismissal.

On a personal note, I know you didn’t mean to write this word and I am sure that you will refrain from using it in the future. Ordinarily we wouldn’t make a big deal of it but times have changed and we have a few coloureds, nig-nogs and pakis that make up the local employment tribunal so we have to kick up a fuss and be seen to be doing the right thing.

No hard feelings.

Yours sincerely,

HR-Bot.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:11, 10 replies)

My own take on the subject of religion, which seems popular in this qotw
An old aquaintance of mine, name of Coleman, was widely regarded as a bit of an attention whore, (his girlfriend came down the visit him once, and he actually took her to one of his lectures so everyone could see. I wouldn't mind, but she's not exactly what most people would call a looker) so when he suddenly decided he was a Pagan, he naturally took every opportunity to remind everyone of his beliefs. He even went so far as to criticise the film The Wicker Man as being "an unrealistic depiction of pagans" despite freely admitting to having never actually seen it.

Of course part of being a pagan for him was frequently making a point of how terrible other religions were. (Christmas was originally a pagan festival until the christians came along and stole it, the inquisition killed loads of innocent nature-worshippers, etc.) When we came across a street-corner preacher he'd stand there seething with over-the-top indignation until we lead him away, and maintain afterwards that it was a good job we did, because he was 'on the verge of saying something' to him. All in all it soon became quite irritating for the rest of us.

One day as a small group of us were walking through town we passed a small Christian Bookshop, and the following conversation took place;

Coleman: Huh, Christian Bookshop. I'd love to burn that place down.
Me: [sigh] Why exactly?
Coleman: Well they're bloody Christians aren't they? Always going around forcing their religion down other people's throats, it pisses me off.
Me: Have you ever actually been in that shop Coleman? Or even seen the people who own it?
Coleman: No, but they're...
Me: So they're hardly forcing anything down your throat, or anyone else's for that matter, are they? All they're actually doing is quietly existing for the convenience of any local Christians who choose to spend their time and money there.
Coleman: Well yeah, but...
Me: In fact, since you take every opportunity to denounce other faiths, I think it's you who's guilty of forcing your religion down our throats.
Coleman: I just...
Other Friend: I think it'd probably be best for you to stop talking now Coleman.

Finally recognising defeat, Coleman went silent, and didn't bring up the topic of religion again.

At least, not till the next day, when we saw a group of Jehovah's Witnesses handing out leaflets.
(Uncle Comrade, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:59, 2 replies)

Short aside
Can I just say, last's week's QoTW?:

Best. Answers. EVER.



EDIT My husband actually told me to shut up and go away because I was disturbing his concentration with my howls of glee, desperate gasps for air and sodomized-monkey noises.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:52, 5 replies)

Love and hate.
Something like that.

Telling all her and my friends and to her face that I hate her, annoying, clingy, never touch with a barge pole, etc.
Then go out with her anyway.
(FunOnABun Smears lard on you!, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Hypocrisy, or tragic paradox?
I loved my wife…right up to the moment she died. I wasn’t there as she breathed her last breath, yet there was no ‘knock on the door by the police’ to inform me of my loss.

I was informed in hospital…by my boss, who then compounded my horror when he confirmed that I had been partly responsible for her death…and I wasn’t even aware of it. I hated myself. I don’t want to go into it.

I had only ever wanted the best for her…but without me even knowing I had let my job take a higher priority and it slowly consumed my waking moments, my work was never done. I neglected her. I was devastated.

As I struggled to adapt as a single father, my boss was sympathetic at first, but grew indifferent and intolerant. He kept me working me harder and harder and I’ll admit that it did help mask the pain I was suffering.

I promised myself I would not let my children suffer the same fate…but the lure of success blinded me and I eventually found myself trying to coerce my son into joining the company. He refused. With the benefit of hindsight I don’t blame him – but I refused to listen at the time and our relationship was fractured and troublesome at best.

Then one night he met me in my boss’s office. He asked me to quit my job. As usual I started the persuasive routine, trying to tempt my son away from his own beliefs with glamorous tales of possible fortune & glory…

We began to argue…violently…then I’m ashamed to say we fought.

It was only when I saw my boss was watching us…and actually enjoying it that my eyes were opened to my true responsibilities and what matters in life. I made my decision, and I chose my son.

Yes, I may have made some bad choices and done wrong, but my actions have always been based on love and good intentions.

Double standards? Possibly. But if anybody calls me a hypocrite I’ll do that fucking ‘neck pinchy’ thing and force-choke you ‘til your arse falls out.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:14, 7 replies)

Smoking ban - first post for a while.
This isn't a whinge about the ban itself. Although I think that anti-smoking legislation in the UK is far more heavy-handed and petty than most European countries, I accept that many people welcomed it and neither side will ever agree on the matter.

Where the hypocrisy comes in is that I read that although we can't smoke in restaurants, pubs, clubs, work vehicles, subways, outdoor toilets, under the arches of bridges etc, the original plan was that there would be just one place where smoking would be permitted indoors.

The Houses of Parliament.

Apparently this was in recognition of the "unusual hours" that politicians have to work. I understand that they since backed down on this and there is of course a chance that it was a tabloid-induced rumour. If so please enlighten me.

If it's true, though, this is textbook hypocrisy.
(eesnahk, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:07, 10 replies)

Immigrants.....
I was always firmly in the camp of ''they' come to our country, they learn the language and adapt to our customs'

I have now been living in a European Country for nearly three years, have no more than the basic (native) language skills (I am pretty fucking good at the swearing though) and presume that everyone speaks English, refuse to eat many of the local foods and only frequent the only English/Irish pub in the whole city rather than go to a local club/cafe/bar.
(fannypack, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:00, 5 replies)

Savour this message in moderation.
We love to drink in this country. Absolutely fucking love it.

Even moderate media will occasionally let rip with a potent word guff admonishing the evils of Binge Britain; their pages adorned with photos of drunken youths dribbling technicolour yawns into their shoes, or intoxicated and vulnerable young girls stretched out on the pavement with dishevelled glad rags exposing scantly contained private bits to the cold night air.

And we, the drinks industry in which I'm gainfully employed, tie ourselves in knots trying our hardest drive our profits perennially skyward, while kowtowing to the self-regulation that prevents the industry following our nicotine based buddies down the path of almost zero publicity.

We bleed hypocrisy.

Drinks ads so frequently shout sophistication & refinement or history & provenance. We bang on about the quality credentials implicit in a product that has been lovingly savoured for millions of years, all in the hope that you'll glutinously throw it down your gaping necks in vast quantities. Then we gently nudge your eyes to a small scrap of text in the bottom right hand corner, hinting that you might think about enjoying it in moderation.

Diageo, the world's largest liquor peddler, has filled our screens with adverts demonstrating the downside to binge drinking. The ads are well made, simple and effective, but they lose all credibility when their responsible drinking message is underlined by the logos of some of the biggest brands to be spewed onto the streets of Britain every weekend.

The Portman Group, the industry's nosey neighbour, busies itself banning brands that don't conform to its guidelines, but has no capacity to prevent Tesco from implementing the deep discounts that allow youths to drink themselves to the point where they're too inebriated to fight or fuck each other senseless.

I love the industry; I get lots of free drink to savour in all the moderation I want, but I can't help laughing at the hypocrisy that bubbles from each bottle we flog at cut price rates, at watching my marketing colleagues try their hardest to find ever more subtle ways of telling people that buying such and such a product will make them seem cool, make them seem successful or, as it remains the most effective message an advert can carry, just make other people want to fuck them.
( Moey, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:56, 1 reply)

Vegetarians part 186
My bird's friend at school, a vegetarian, bought fish and chips for lunch. My bird queried her choice of food given her "special" diet and was told "a fish is a vegetable".

Cool, we can all be vegetarians and help save the planet, just reclassify animals as vegetables, job done.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:51, 14 replies)

A few years back
We were having a party at a friends house. The neighbors objected and the son started throwing rocks over the fence at us. I wasn't happy about this and stormed around and gave the mother a bollocking for letting her son do something irresponsible that could result in injury. About 30 minutes later I had a can of petrol and a lighter writing my name in the middle of the road.

Also in college someone threw a stink bomb in one of the corridors in halls. I Saw who did it and in my drunken state I decided to bollock them for it. I stormed to his room and banged on the door. Unfortunately in my drunken state I was on the wrong floor and woke up the wrong guy. So I found the right room and bollocked the guy for damaging property or something. A few hours later I was in my friends room and someone suggested egging some cars in the car park (the cars belonged to the friends of the guy I bollocked earlier). We hit most of the cars but one was just out of range, so I went down to get a closer shot. Unfortunately for me the owners of the cars watched me run across the parking lot and throw eggs at them.

I was expecting a kicking or some other form of retaliation but it never came.

I'm such a hypocrite. Also I never mean it when I bollock people, I just love to see people reactions when I do it. Most people feel like they are back at school.
( bobzarkoff, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:45, Reply)

People who say Nuclear Weapons cost lives
Outside of Japan, anyway.

Conventional weapons have killed so many more people it's barely funny. Look at Vietnam- there were horrific things done to that country that caused vastly more suffering than nuking them would. Cars are doing pretty well compared to nukes, too. So are mosquitos.

Can you name one person you knew who was killed by a nuke? No? How about someone who was shot / hit by a car / killed by a mosquito?

What we need next is an incredibly powerful bomb that wipes out every living thing within a certain radius then just stops- no fallout. That way it'd be quick and relatively painless and of far more military value than a nuke. Plus we'd have a reason to discourage other countries from using nukes!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:22, 14 replies)

As a Daily Mail reader
I must say I am deeply offended by some of the stereotypes exploited here, and hold you darkies responsible.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:21, Reply)

Another religion one..
I'm sure by the end of this one there will be loads of rants about religion etc, so I might as well throw mine in.

When I used to work in a factory with a brother and sister, both 'Indian' and Muslim.

They were both pretty cool people to be around, modern and kept their beliefs to themselves.

I remember the brother speaking to me once about a part of his religion is not to 'poison' his body with chemicals such as beer and fags etc - which he then preceded with cracking open a pack of twenty and share with me tales of his recent conquests on a night out (where he claimed to have got completely wasted etc etc).

It was always quite funny with them both around since they both smoked but didn't want the other to know - so you would be sitting with one and they say "Look out for my sis", quickly stub out the fag and get back to work.

The sister would then say "I’m glad he’s gone, now I can have a fag".
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:50, Reply)

In the interests of avoiding hypocrisy, double standards and all the rest
When I have children, I'm now going to find it very hard to look them straight in the eye when I tell them that they should love their neighbours as they love themselves, and not leave triumphant, steaming turds in their neighbour's washing machine before blaming it on said neighbour's flatulent cat.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:37, Reply)

My ex was a vegetarian
but she'd eat chicken if the alternative was aubergine.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:29, 3 replies)

I am sat
In the office now.

Bill Bailey- Cosmic Jam is playing on the laptop.

I have got 2 people in here talking about good comedy,

Deck the Halls, Mrs Doubtfire and Uncle Buck

are apparently hillarious..
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:16, 16 replies)

Vegans who eat organic vegetables.
The "organic fertiliser" came from animals, one way or another.
(gordonjcp, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:15, 3 replies)

Freedom of Religion
I have a massive bugbear about this. I am an atheist - NOT AN AGNOSTIC! Rather than saying 'I don't believe in a god', I prefer to say 'I believe there is no god'. It is a belief system in its own right.

Now, I have no issue with other people believing whatever they will. I am also quite fond of a theological debate. However, I get really, REALLY pissed off when people say to me something along the lines of 'well, I think maybe you should give God another try' in the most smugly patronising voice in the world, or otherwise attempt to convert me.

I suppose I am probably over-reacting, but it comes from the realisation that I am not covered (as it were) by freedom of religion. Despite having a belief, it is not an organised religion, and therefore open to attack from all sides. If, however, I turn to a Bible-basher and say 'well, I think maybe you should give atheism another try', the screaming about freedom of religion can be heard in space...

I did once manage a great comeback though. Back when The Passion of the Christ came out, a lot of Bible-bashers came out of the woodwork trying to get everyone to go see it. A couple of them occasionally got a bit aggressive about it. I remember one who put a flier in my face, and when I politely declined and walked past, he shouted at me 'HE DIED FOR YOU, YOU KNOW!'

At which point I stopped, turned around and pointed out: 'Mel Gibson hasn't died for fucking anyone', before strolling away from his spluttering outrage.
(HarryTheMole whatever's on my finger is going in your mouth, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 14:13, 11 replies)