Dodgy Pensioners
Me and a friend were walking through Canterbury's shopping district, and we passed by a shop dedicated to the natural world. Standing by the door were an old couple, testing out pairs of binoculars.

Unfortunately for them, said nature shop happens to be directly opposite an Early Learning Centre, so it looked for all the world like these two pensioners (rather unwisely dressed in big coats) were checking out the little kiddies.
(Uncle Comrade, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 19:31, Reply)

Mixed signals
So a couple of years ago, I was happily walking in no particular direction holding hands with a girl I'd just met. She was quite nice. I decide to cut through an unlit carpark on the way back to where it was we first met up, and she decided that she wanted to go the other way, past the police station. I reluctantly agreed after a while. (I didn't like the police station route because it's opposite a mini-chav populated "club")

I didn't think about it at the time, but now it was probably a bad idea to persist in going through a dark carpark with a girl I'd just met. I found out the next day she thought I was gonna rape her. Fucking ace.
(Jeffro2608, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Very childish but...
as I was walking down the stairs at work I peered over the banister (as you do) and could see right down a girls top!!!!!

Being the incredibly immature man that I am, I giggled. Despite smothering the giggle with my hand she heard and caught me mid gawp.

I don't care, I still nipped off to the lav for a wank.
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 18:52, Reply)

Little perves
On holiday when I was about 10, me and my bro (8) spotted an unattended camera. We 'borrowed' it for 5 minutes, photographing our bums and nether-regions, then put it back, giggling like idiots at the thought of how embarrased the owner would be when they were developed.

Imagine my surprise when, 20 years later, I encountered my naked self on an unsavoury pop-up, presumably linking to a dodgy site. Doh!
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 18:40, Reply)

A lovely toy shop...
I pass it every day on the way to work. It's full of wooden toys and a fantastic castle which the staff populate each day with little knights and wizards fighting off cuddly giraffes, teddy bears, etc.

Anyway, being very grown up as I am now there's a dinner party planned for an evening with a few friends. Bring a game along with you and we'll play it after dinner was the invitation.

At the last minute I realised that I did not have anything to take with me so popped into the toy shop to buy something. Looking around I couldn't see anything so I asked the (very attractive) shop assistant whether she had anything suitable. I think the expression I used was "adult games".

She immediately wiped the smile off her endearing face to say loudly to everyone in the shop that they "did not deal in those kinds of games sir! This is a shop where children go to and I really should try somewhere else for that kind of filth" (filth was not actually the word she used but that was message her tone implied to everyone).

I only meant trivial pursuit or pictionary.

I left hurredly past mothers clutching their offspring to their bussoms.

(The shop's closing down. Would love to go back and buy the castle but too ashamed!)
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 18:04, Reply)

I feel like 15 again
Recently on a bus into the centre of ole london town, I got a "traveller" as its commonly known. Dunno why; wasnt thinking about anything dirty in particular.
BUT I had to miss my stop and another one before I could get off.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 17:58, Reply)

yiddo, genghis 26
you are not alone, was down pinner the other night n i saw a man cow humpin the hell outa a lady cow i have no idea why but i stood n watched and took a pic on ma phone to, i also blame shock.....cows go at it!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Not watching neighbours shag
Some time ago I lived in an attic flat in a house in Cardiff with 2 friends. We always lost the flat key and it was easy to get into our flat by using the fire escape and climbing through the kitchen window. One summer's day I hastily made my way up the fire escape only to stop on the 3rd floor landing to catch my breath. As I paused I happened to look through the big fire escape window to find the couple downstairs going at it a lot. At EXACTLY THE SAME SECOND naturally they looked around (I was blocking out the sunlight and their room had gone dark) to find me looking in. I waved my hands as a futile gesture to try and make them understand I wasn't watching them shag then ran away. I was young and very embarressed.
(toe_cutter, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Browser
"The bigger the bone the higher the points.

'Golw in the dark' feature and adjustable difficulty level."

Ffnarr!
Would have been even funnier if they had spelt glow properly.
(Bellamy's Enemy, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 16:49, Reply)

French Paedo Fieldtrip
I went to Calais on a school field trip when I was but 11. I have no idea why, quite possibly just to go on a hovercraft as there seemed to be no activities planned once we got there apart from wandering around unsupervised until we all meet up three hours later having hopefully not lost anyone.

Anyway, a group of about 4 of us wandered and wandered and wandered and at one point were in this park when we strolled towards one of the gates and saw this dictionary definition dodgy, kiddie-fiddling bloke standing there, fixing us with his gaze. He was dressed in a long brown tenchcoat, hat and probably crap moustache. One of us chortled that he was dodgy, so we changed course and aimed at another exit. Only for him to move around himself to head us off from that exit, all the time staring at us. More entertained than frightened, we then changed course again, and he did the same. Whilst it felt like half an hour, we probably escaped on the very next try when we basically bolted so he'd have had to run and chase us small boys to catch-up, and blow his well-groomed cover.

So, nothing happened, we retained our innocence and were able to go off and buy playing cards with pictures of hardcore bum action on them instead - lucky escape, eh?!
(Jibber Jabba The Hutt, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 16:44, Reply)

Naked Kids
I was sitting on the beach in Italy, enjoying the sunshine and a rather intense book about the end of the world. I felt the warmth of the Tuscan sun on my skin, heard the sound of the ocean lapping on the shore and children running about and enjoying their youthful freedom.

Now this is where the problem lies. I feel that some parents go a little overboard with the whole freedom / innocence thing, letting their little treasures run around naked in public places. I wouldn't normally have too much of a problem with this, and merely divert my eyes at the sight of one of these fleshy pink blobs. On this occasion, however I found myself staring at a small child (of around 4 years) rolling in the sand, wearing nothing at all.

Now I'm no kiddiefiddler, but when his sister, (maybe 2 years his junior) strolled over, also butt nekkie the whole situation got a bit more intense. I tried to pull my eyes away, but could only stare in horror as she gave three firm tugs on his PENIS. Arms behind his head, eyes closed and a smirk on his face - and I...weeped. The image most imbedded in my mind is that of his tanned genitalia, stretched to twice it's normal length. And it frankly ruined my holiday. Now I'm officially a paeodophile.

And this wasn't even my first offense - about a year previous to this I was with some friends in the local park. It was early evening and all the kids were about to head home for bed. There was one child who stood out as being the most mischievous, constantly causing his mother grief and grinning at everyone. Clearly there was more going on in that 3 year olds head than anyone bargained for.
I was just walking alongside the climbing frame, mindful of the fact that this child was in my vicinity unattended. I would like to stress that I could not see him at this point, as we were seperated by a large wooden board. As I walked past said board, I was greeted by said child's full frontal offering, pants at his ankles. He was stood on the climbing frame, I was stood on the floor and our height differences and the height of the climbing frame could not have been more tragic. Naked Kid's penis was approximately one foot from my nose.

Things went into slow motion from this point onwards, I reeled back in disgust just in time to see his stream of justice leak all over the spongey playground floor. I'd like to imagine that I jumped out the way just in time a la Tom Cruise, but in reality my shoes just got covered in his splashback. So I went home and cried myself to sleep...
(Daveypants laffo, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 15:55, Reply)

Back in comprehensive...
Our school had a youth club disco every few months. The entry fee rose from a meger 30p to a huge 50p for the occasion.

One girl in my form class, having spent all her money on Lambrini loudly announced to everyone that she would 'do something' for whoever gave her 50p. Most people ignored, not wanting to look like a pervert but one lad gave her the cash and then dragged her into the bushes where he promptly fucked her up the arse. She spent the rest of the night with jism caked all over the back of her jeans and gained the quite unimaginitive nickname of '50 pence'.

She pretty much got hounded out of school after the incident and now has two kids to two blokes.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Small Dog Buggery
Back in the day me and the then missus owned a Chihuahua (blame her, not me). We also lived in a nice 2 floored place in luvverly Peckham. Right next to the bus stop, and our living room had a big picture window on the same level as the top deck of a double decker bus.

Anyways, I worked freelance from home a lot then and I was in the habit of rising late and wandering downstairs in the buff to make a cup of tea before pootling back upstairs to have a shower.

One fateful day, the missus had not only got up early but opened the curtains as it was a nice day outside. I get halfway down the stairs and realise the chihuahua's in his basket upstairs and probably wants some breakfast, so I grab him and wander through the living room.

Only to be confronted by a shocked top deck of a double decker bus full of pensioners and moms.

Who are obviously quite shocked at the site of a naked well built young man with shaved head and goatee and carrying a small dog under one arm.

Spent the whole day waiting for the knock at the door.

One day I'll tell you story about buying a pot of vaseline while carrying him in Superdrug. Got some funny looks there, too. Good job I wasn't buying a roll of tape as well.
(madderthanthou, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 15:20, Reply)

Roddage...
I was once in a chemistry class and a mate of mine dared me to poke some girl on the ass with a glass stirring rod, and hardly ever turning down the dare off I went. And poke with a rod I did, as she was leaning over the table. Except I missed her ass, and stuck the rod rather far up her lady bits. She then promptly turned a bright shade of red.
(cactusrob, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 15:03, Reply)

lift moment
I just bought this for my nephew's birthday:

www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/3692604.htm

and a girl from HR said "ooh what have you got there? Well we can play with your bony head this afternoon!" There was a shocked silence when she realised what she had said. In my mind that makes her a sex offender, and I might report her for harassment.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:59, Reply)

This happened recently.
I was playing a late-night game of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 with a friend of mine. We decide to play a game of Horse, with the idea being that we have rounds to see who can get the most points, and the loser gets a letter, the evenutaul loser being the first one to spell out 'horse'. Of course, we decided to customize it to our own ends, changing the word 'horse' to 'paedophile', so that at the end of the game it would say 'Tony Hawk is a Peadophile!'.

I'm crap at the game, so naturally I was losing. I had two letters to go, and I was informing my friend that there was no need for flashy stunts, and he asked me why. I then uttered those immortal words;

"I'm very close to a paedophile."

We cried laughing.
( Lightguy hail satan, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Reader, I could have married him.
Jesus, I’ve thought of another, I’m starting to scare myself.

I’m a woman of fairly simple tastes when it comes to men. I’m not too fussed about hair or eye colour, occupation doesn’t bother me, I don’t have a fetish for accents, anything like that. I just like a bloke who’s taller than me, who I find attractive and who can make me laugh. One day, when I was 19, I’m sat in my local and a bloke walks in, sits at the next table, looks over and smiles at me. “Ooh, hello” I thought “he’s cute”. So being a little tipsy, I take the plunge and go over and chat to him. We’re getting along famously; he’s funny, looks great and it’s all going swimmingly. We leave the pub and head down towards the prom, a well known spot for those intent on the delicate art of seduction (or date rape). We sit on a bench and share our first kiss. And it’s wonderful. But wait, he has to leave. Why must our love be torn apart so soon? “I’ll see you next Saturday, Rak” he said. And with that he was gone…

Fast forward a few days and I’m driving back from a friend’s house. It’s about 3.30pm and the school run’s in full flow, the traffic’s backed up and I’m sat idling in a queue. I look out of the window and see a group of lads wearing the uniform of the local comprehensive school ambling down the street. One looks disturbingly familiar…

I pulled over to the side of the road, wound down the window and shouted “Tom, could you come here for a moment, please.” His face drained of colour when he realised it was me. He sheepishly shuffled over and said “I was going to tell you.” “What, next week? After your GCSE’s? At the birth of our first child? Just how old are you?”

He was 14.

As I drove off, self respect in tatters, I heard his mate say “What did your big sister want?”

As an aside, I keep having highly inappropriate thoughts about Alex Pettyfer, the lad in the film Stormbreaker. And he’s 16. I’m just a dirty old bitch.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:28, Reply)

pants
I look after and live with my grandmother, and late one night last summer I remembered she didn't have any clean pants for the morning. No problem, I knew my mother had cleaned some and so I ran over to my parents house to get some out of their washing machine.

I was already dressed for bed (scraggy t-shirt, boxers), I just popped on some shorts and sandals and set off. Tired and rough looking, having been to the pub earlier and had a few *smokes*.

Ran to mum and dads, grabbed said underwear, put in a carrier bag, walked back home, traa la la.

Cue police car. As I live in a rough area, you get used to it, normal questions, "What you doin, where you been?" etc. Now I did look a bit peculiar, as ever, and so I didn't mind the questions, but it was cold and wanted to go home, and was acting drowsy and tired.

"What's in the bag mate?"

"Er, ermm..."

* torches upon bag of soggy old lady pants *

"Get in the back of the car you fucking pervert."

They thought I'd been stealing from washing lines, and after I shouted the story (they were only going to listen to me at the station) they dropped me off almost 15 minutes away from my house (in an even rougher area) freezing my arse off without a word of apology.

Nice.

The police can be right humourless shits sometimes, but they did catch The Worlds Worst Mugger last week for me so I'll forgive them.
(kev.cc, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:14, Reply)

Dunno
I may have been mistaken for a terrorist or something...I work on St. Mary Axe, about 50m from the Gherkin, and during a fag break the other day a police car drew level with me and Bill stuck his head out:
OB: "What are you doing?"
Me: (totally nonplussed) "Smoking a fag?"
OB: "No, what are you doing here?"
Me: "I work here."
OB: "In the street?"
Me: "No, in the building behind me. I'm having a fag break."
OB: "Oh, right."

They then drove off. I wouldn't mind but there's always people smoking outside our building and I'm the only one who ever uses the cig butts bin instead of leaving them on the floor.

Apologies for lack of relevance and ironic humour.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Mummy, those ladies are staring at me funny...
Oh god, I’ve had to drag this one of the ‘repressed memories’ box… I was on holiday with a friend a couple of years back, proper cheap last-minute job, two weeks in Corfu staying in a grotty beetle infested apartment in a run down resort. There were about 5 bars in the town; needless to say, we were in them every night. Getting drunk was the only way to cope with the relentless boredom. One evening we were sat outside one of the more popular, family orientated bars, getting absolutely lashed. There was a karaoke competition in full swing, with a fine selection of chavs belting out Whitney Houston and shit R’n’B covers. Fairly late on, a girl, about 10 years old, gets up to sing. And she’s picked ‘My heart will go on’ from Titanic; sung by everyone’s favourite horse-faced French Canadian lyric murderer, Celine Dion. She nervously picks up the mike, clears her throat and… launches into one of the most painful renditions of this song I have ever had the misfortune to endure in my 32 years on this planet. But bless, she tried. My pal leans over to me and slurs “You know what, Rak, we should congratulate her. I mean, she was shit, but she had guts, you know?” “Thass a grea’ idea. Let’s buy her a drink.” So we call the waitress over and ask her to deliver a coca-cola to the girl at her table and to say it’s from the two ladies over by the bar to commend her on her performance.

The drink duly gets delivered and the girl’s parents are in conversation with the waitress who steps aside to gesticulate in our direction to indicate that we’d bought the drink. Unfortunately what the parents saw was two incredibly drunk 30 year old women apparently leering over their ten year old daughter. They grabbed their offspring by the arm and stormed out of the bar. My pal looks at me in horror, then bellows “My god, they thought we were lesbian paedos.” “Well, the whole bar do now…” We spent the rest of the night crying in a mixture of hysteria and shame.

She made me promise on pain of death never to repeat this to anyone. But I’m only telling you. It’ll be our special little secret….
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:04, Reply)

"Wandering alone at night..."
..in Great Yarmouth, as I sometimes did as a teen, I was once taken with the need to urinate and so headed off to a public toilet not far away on the seafront. As I entered I thought "They've taken away the urinals!" and used a cubicle instead. When I next visited them in daylight a couple of years later I saw in fact I had previously used the ladies...silly me, I should have realised by the absence of cottagers!
That is in actual fact the closest I have come to being a pervert.
(mcnelson, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 12:59, Reply)

8==o
I paid one of the girls in my class 50pence to lift her skirt up, and was promptly lambasted by my classmates for 2 years. Prior to this they thought I was a puff. There's no pleasing some people.
(LunarJim, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 12:06, Reply)

/Would?
It was induction day for the Year-5s-soon-to be-7s at our school not long ago. You know, a bunch of terrified nine year olds come to suss out the place.

Anyway, the guys in my Science class (15 year olds) were discussing which Year 7s were alright looking, and which they would 'have'. A lot of red faces and staring at the floor was involved.

Nick Spruce then turns to the teacher 'Miss, when are the year 5s getting here?'

He's never going to live that one down.
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 12:02, Reply)

No no, I didn't mean that kind of abuse...
My step-daughters returned on Sunday from 2 weeks with their Dad. The youngest is 13 and has started to develop a bit of an attitude - we get on well, but her preferred response to a kind word or smile tends to be a scowl or a flounce, that kind of thing.

She also likes to punch me in the arm or leg as I walk past, or if she sits near me - this usually turns into gentle boxing, nothing too painful though. Sometimes I start it, just to get a quick punch in first.

So, on Sunday, with a couple of friends round, I was perched on the arm of the sofa and she jabbed me in the thigh with her fist - I punched her lightly in the arm and followed this up with a swift punch to the belly, and said "I've missed you while you were away".

"Did you?" she asked
"Yeah" I replied "I've had no-one to abuse"

Unbelievably, no-one in the room picked up on it, but I was mortified.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 11:56, Reply)

Nanny State?
I went to visit my cute little cousins, 7,5 and 3, and as it was a "stifling" 19° outside they were tearing about in their swimsuits, jumping in the paddling pool, showing me their acrobatics etc. etc. so i decided to make a video to show mum and dad, who haven't seen them since they were tiny. As soon as i come back out into the garden their mum dashes back inside and comes back out with huge towels, which she drapes over them and makes them stand primly in from of the climbing frame.

It takes quite a lot to make me feel like a dirty pervert, but that pretty much did it.

effing churchy home county paranoid beeyatch.
(chesty, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 11:49, Reply)

School
I decided I liked girls in the traditional "phwoar" way at the age of 12. Unfortunately, being surrounded by nerdy, collective-minded idiots that held each other back mentally, I was alone in this, and thus my occasional attempts to engage in a conversation that was about the fairer sex (as opposed to the latest Sum 41 release) were met with responses along the lines of "OMFG PERVERT!!1".

They couldn't get their heads around the concept of seeing girls as anything other than icky. Sounds kind of retarded now I think about it.

Needless to say, when their balls dropped, I became no more popular- my reputation as a deviant was etched in concrete.
(bad1dea, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 10:11, Reply)

Thanks Frankspencer!
I feel ashamed now due to the fact I was aroused by Frankspencers story.

[Woo Yay First Post from Long Time Lurker]
(paulwoody, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 10:02, Reply)