Chat up lines
My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably cocky, and told us that his chatup lines never failed.
He decided to try one in a pub near the Millwall ground, against our advice, on a girl at the bar. This was the conversation:

"Hey there! Is your dad a thief?"
"What the FUCK did you just say to me?"
{flustered} "..because he stole the stars and"
"Do you want me to break your fucking neck?"
"hey, hey, sorry, I just...."
"FUCK OFF".

He almost cried.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 13:49, Reply)

Solar eclipse '99
A few years ago when there was a solar eclipse in England, I overheard my neighbour wisely advising a friend to not look directly at the sun as it would burn the back of their rectums.
( Hohum21, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:52, Reply)

The shame, the shame
This happened not to any chav, blonde, tourist, American or anything of the sort but to little old me. Not saying something stupid, more doing.

I had to plumb in a new washing machine a couple of years back. I undid the compete U-bend assembly beneath the kitchen sink, which meant that the plughole now drained into thin air. I emptied the skanky old water from the washing machine hoses & U-bend into a bucket, then poured it.... into the sink.

Water everywhere, all over me, the floor and everything in the cupboard beneath the sink. So, cursing myself for my sheer idiocy, I duly set about mopping up as best I could and wrung the remains into the bucket.

Which I poured into the sink.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 15:00, Reply)

During the board game version of the Weakest Link at a mate's house over Christmas...
... and I still can't get over it.

Question Master: What type of animal is a finch?
Contestant: Erm ... dunno ... a squirrel?
QM: Well, the answer says bird, so I'll give you that. Next question ...
Me: Hang on a second - you can't give him that.
QM: Yeah, but a squirrel is a type of bird, so I thought I'd be generous.
Me: Oh my god. You're not joking are you?
QM: Well come off it, a squirrel is a type of bird.
Me: Of course it fucking isn't.
QM: Well how come they can fly then?
Me: What?
QM: And they have feathers.
Me: I can't believe this. Have you ever seen a squirrel?
Contestant: Well … they do have beaks.

The group actually had to vote in order to prove to the two that squirrels were not members of the bird family.

They still couldn’t accept it.

As I walked out of the room in disbelief to get a vodka, I heard a scream of,
“Well how come they live in fucking trees, then, eh?”
(jimcrock, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 14:08, Reply)

Me today.
We were discussing how my new hat looks good as a compliment to a variety of ensembles.
"It's like a multi-purpose hat!" I decreed.
There was then a pause in coversation, which I decided to fill with:
"I don't wank in it."

Smooth.
( Malchick, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:15, Reply)

Never let Tania near the buttons...
Myself and a few mates were playing on the Millionaire machine in the pub a few years back.

For once it's actually being quite generous and we're up to a fiver. Up comes the next question:

"Whose catchphrase was 'I'm Free!'?"

We all smile at each other in that smug way people do when the question is an obvious one and they're feeling all superior.

"I'll get this one." Says Tania, leaning forward and pressing the screen.

DUM DUM DUM!

"I'm Sorry" Says Chris Tarrant (on the machine obviously - he's not in the pub or anything) "Thats the wrong answer."

Tania, if you're reading this then i hope to god that you now know that Nelson Mandela did not walk out of prison after twenty odd years and, in front of a crowd of anti-apartheid protesters and half the world's press, say

"I'm free!"

In a camp voice.
(gluskap, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:45, Reply)

I can make wee come out of my bottom
"Lard?" I said, one sunny afternnoon at the Glastonbury festival, after much chonging.
"Yes?" Replied Lard (for that was my good friends name)
"You know when you reeally, really need a wee, and just as you're about to go, you sort of hold it back, and strain, and it really hurts, but you sort of push it back down, and it comes out of your bum instead?"
"Yeah,"
"Oh good. I thought it was just me who could do that."
"Really? I thought it was just ME! I guess its one of those things that nobody really talks about"
"OH MY GOD!" Goes Lard's girlfriend "No FUCKING WAY can you do that!"
"Yeah," I say, "I guess its just a bloke thing"
"Its true," Agrees Lard.
"Wow! Thats fantastic!" Lards girlfriend is awed at the fantastic feats the male body is able to perform.

ABOUT 2 MONTHS LATER:
The phone rings. I Answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello. Its Lard. I'm going to tell her the truth. She's embarrasing me at the pub."
I hear him explain that no, men can't actually wee out of their bottoms. I hear a muffled slap. The phone goes dead.
they split up not long after that.
(Booga O Valencia!, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 0:04, Reply)

Sorry Mum
My dear Mother (Gawd love 'er) is to blame for this nugget of ignorance, or perhaps just plain stupidity.

I was 15 years old with my parents at a place called Masada next to the Dead Sea in Israel. The Dead Sea is the lowest point on earth. Masada sits on a flat mountain top, and is only reachable by cable-car or a particularly gifted yet rather stupid donkey.

We're standing atop the ruins of the ancient fortress looking out over the Dead Sea when two fighter jets come into view. They rumble along the sky line until one veers off and heads in our direction. Remember the height difference here... we were pretty much level with the aircraft.

It screams towards us, getting closer and closer until we all think it's curtains. The pilot then banks away at the last second and leaves our ears ringing and the air crackling as anyone who's ever been to a military airshow will know.

Nobody can speak. Everyone is in a daze ... until my Mother taps me on the shoulder and says ...

"Did you see that?"
(declan_m, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 14:55, Reply)

Cool
So, back in high school its 9am and I am sitting in a quiet chemistry class trying to sleep while most everyone else is doing the same and our alcoholic teacher is off nursing his hangover somewhere as per usual.

Sitting beside me are the classes' resident blonde bimbos who happen to be entertaining themselves quite quietly for once and are playing with something in their hands.

Suddenly, one of them exclaims to her friend "Cool, its getting smaller".
She and her friend continue playing with it for a bit until curiosity gets the better of me and I inquire as to what they are playing with.

It was fucking mercury from a broken thermometer in the chem lab and it was getting smaller because it was being absorbed into their skin.

"Cool" says I and went back to sleep giggling.
(mitchpablo, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 6:57, Reply)

Upon seeing the organ donor sticker
on my driver's license, an actual adult once told me that after I'm dead not having all of my parts would make me too sick to survive in heaven.
( sosumi, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 3:46, Reply)

My Gran
"In the war we used to try to trick German children by dropping GM food from bombers."
"When they change the clocks, it's to confuse the pedophiles."
"Aren't all internet cafes run by the Church?"
(Goodie, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 0:46, Reply)

Concrete
I was eating my lunch and a couple started to sit down near me on a concrete slab at the border of the lunch area.
"Don't sit there!" the man urgently warned the woman.
"Oh thanks," she said, and checked her erstwhile seat for bird poo or whatever, finding none. "Um, why not?"
"It's concrete!" the man replied, looking at her like she was stupid.
"So?"
"Concrete dehydrates you! Haven't you ever seen how there's puddles on it after rain, but it sucks them up? If you sit there too long it'll kill you by absorbing all the water in your body out of your butt."
"Oh my God!" She clutched her hand to her mouth, horrified. "I've been sitting on concrete all my life!"
(clohman, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 4:11, Reply)

Years ago...
...when cars with electric windows in cars were still a bit rare, by Dad was borrowing one. He gave my gran a lift somewhere, with my gran in the back, and my gran wanted to know how to open the windows.

My dad told her they were voice activated - you say 'window up' and the window goes up, and 'window down' and the window goes down.

My gran said 'window down', and my dad pressed the drivers window switch, and her window rolled down. My gran was very impressed and spent the rest of the journey happily saying 'window up' and 'window down' while my dad pressed the switch.

Until we stopped for fuel, and my dad came out from paying to find my gran in tears.

'Whats the matter mum?'

'Oh I'm so sorry, I've broken your lovely new car....I've been saying 'window up' and it won't work anymore...'
(inflateable, Sat 8 Jan 2005, 11:48, Reply)

Should a child be saying this?
A friend's niece who was about 4 at the time walks up to her mum and gets her attention.

NIECE: "Mum! Can we have a buggery?"

MOTHER: "What?! Where did you learn that word?!

NIECE: "I mean like a wormery except with bugs."

True story.
(dirty gypsy, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 19:36, Reply)

This is one of my faves
I had a 13 year old patient who was somewhat confused about how labour would progress.

Me: "Do you understand how the baby is going to get out?"

Her: "Erm, no."

Me: "Hmmm. Well, you understand how the baby got in, right?"

Her: (vacantly) "Er, noooo."

Me: "Oh God."
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 2:31, Reply)

Mums eh?
My mum God bless her

On perusing the Newshopper.
Mum:"That Fire Engine must be really busy it goes round schools all over the country"
Us: "What Fire Engine?"
Mum: "You know 'Dennis'"

Mum: "Can you run me to MI5 to look at wardrobes"

.......
As an in-joke Birds Eye 'Beef Slice's in Gravy' in our house were known as beef curtains, she had no idea.
All fine until a GF was brought home one Sunday.
Mum: "I'm sorry it's not more elaborate, I've only got Beef Curtains for dinner"
Much beer was ejected from noses.

......
Sister in Law : "That's a lovely house , but why do they need such a big garage"
Brother: " That's Sidcup Fire Station dear"
(sumo_san, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 18:41, Reply)

While working at McDonalds:
Woman: "I want a beefburger."
Me: "Oh, a hamburger."
Woman: "No. A beefburger. Ham is pig, I don't eat pig."

This lead to a short discussion about the history of meat products from German towns that ended with the conclusion:

"Ok, I'll get a you a beefburger, sorry about the packaging, we've run out of beefburger wrappers."
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Fri 7 Jan 2005, 1:03, Reply)

Lost phone...
...I dropped my ambulances mobile phone attending a car accident and didn't notice I'd lost it until later. I informed the emergency call center of the loss in case someone found it and called them (phone was clearly marked).
I get a call on the station phone at the end of my shift from a communications operator:
Comms op: "Someone found your phone. You dropped it at that car accident".
Me: "Thanks. Where is it?"
Comms op: "It got handed in to us."
Me: "I'll get someone from the next shift to pick it up."
Comms op: "You could have picked it up earlier when you were in the area you know."
Me: "I suppose, but I didn't know you had it."
Comms op: "Well I did phone you several times, but you never answered once did you?"
Me: "Phoned me? I was in the ambulance all day. What phone did you call?"
Comms op: "Duh! The mobile of course!"
Me: "What, the same one you are looking after for me?"
Comms op: "Oh...I wondered what that noise was."

I'm afraid this is par for the course with this comms op...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 23:55, Reply)

My Mum again
a long time ago Mum declared that she was going to paint the front door and that she was off to Fads for some 'Nigger Brown' paint.
After clearing up spilt tea & biscuit crumbs we explained to her that it can't be called that anymore.
After hearing us use the phrase, she declared that this was "Political Correctness gone mad".
"No" Mum we said "It's actually very correct" finally convincing her that this was not a nice word anymore.
So we check the colour chart and the colour she wants is now "Conker Brown".

Off we go to Fads.
Mum walks up to assistant of Afro-Caribbean persuasion.
Mum: "I'd like some "Conker Brown paint please"
Assistant: "Conker Brown?"
Mum: " Yes, you know, the one that used to be 'Nigger Brown'"

(sumo_san, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Doh!
Because I can never remember my PIN, I spent twenty minutes queuing in the local branch of the Halifax to withdraw some cash. Having usefully used the queue time to read all the leaflets, I finally presented myself at the cashier to make the withdrawal, whereupon the rest of the queue overhead the following conversation;

Me (Handing over card) : "Just twenty quid please"
Cashier : "Wrong card sir, that’s an Alliance & Leicester card"
Me : "Eh?". (Steps back from the counter, stares at the VERY obvious HALIFAX sign over the counter which I’d just spent 20 minutes looking at). "Shit! I don’t even have a Halifax account".

Oh! How they laughed, as I skulked around the corner to a completely empty A&L...

Arse.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 18:03, Reply)

This takes me back...
In July 1984 the weather was particularly hot. The whole of Hampshire had turned into a desert. I got a phone call from the Queen, informing me that she wanted me to go to Hampshire and defend it, single-handedly, from the invading sea-people. Of course, I accepted.
When I arrived, I had nothing with me apart from a penknife and a bottle of Lucozade. I knew at once that this would be the most challenging job of my career as a Freelance Monarchical Aide. The entire county was covered in sand, and the only signs of life were tumbleweed and the occasional cactus.
Using the Pogo-stick attachment of my knife, I made my way to the water's edge. Once there I made myself a hidey-hole out of sand, which I glued together with some of my sticky Lucozade.
I spent the next two months there, picking off the occasional sea-person, if they dared to surface, by throwing my penknife into their soft skulls.
It was in the second month that signs of life started to return to the county. My first contact was with a dog called Toby, who claimed that he had learnt to talk in the circus. As the sea-people seemed to have given in on their invasion, Toby and I spent our evenings relatively peacefully. We played catch with starfish, and feasted, nightly, on boiled cactus and seaweed. Were it not for the dysentry and loss of my left leg, I would describe them as the happiest days of my life.
Towards the end of the year, the Queen phoned to say that I could go home. I invited Toby to join me and, thankfully, he said yes. As we hiked through the dunes of Winchester we saw movement ahead. We were both scared, as we knew mutants were attacking innocents accross the south of England. I couldn't make out what it was, but Toby, with his enhanced dog-sight zoomed in on the movement. After a tense pause he finally declared "It's okay! It's only a dromedary!"
It was only when we got closer that Toby and I realised his mistake. It wasn't a dromedadry at all! It was a bactrian! Stupid fuck-witted shit for brains dog! How we laughed!

Unfortunately it did mean that I had to put Toby down, as he could no longer be trusted.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 11:06, Reply)

On a trip to Ireland
We ran into a coachload of American tourists at Blarney Castle.

"I hope you're not going to try kissing the Blarney Stone," we ventured.

It was, it turned out, going to be the highlight of their tour back to the "Old Country".

"They never wash it you know. Cold sores. Herpes. AIDS. The works."

"Oh my GODDDDDDD!" shouted one of the Wilburs.

"I'll sue!" screamed a wrinkled old woman in a sun visor.

We were nearly trampled in the rush to get back on the charabang, and they fled.

After kissing the stone ourselves, we subsequently learned that they DO wash the stone on a regular basis.

This is because local youths think it funny to break into the castle at night and piss on the thing. Lovely.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 9:44, Reply)

OK, not one of mine this time.
Mrs Throbbe used to be a PA for a big important doctor man (I don't think that was his official title).

One fine morning she had typed the letter that he had drafted and asked, "Do you want me to change the first line?"

"Why?"

"Well, I'm not sure you mean what you're saying."

"No, it looks fine to me." Signs letter.

Letter goes out to big important scientist man ...

"Dear Steve

I must start by apologising for the cock up my end. Unfortunately, blah blah blah ..."

Fnarr!
(Throbbe, Wed 12 Jan 2005, 13:59, Reply)

great response to a dumbass comment
Imagine the scene: we're at Daytona motor-racing circuit watching a race.
There's a little girl here, maybe aged about 8, very sweet looking thing (and I mean that in the best and most legal possible sense), with her two older brothers watching the race.
There's a deafening, infernal roar growing louder by the second, signifying the approach of the cars on yet another lap.
"Cars are coming", says one of the boys, stating the obvious.
"No shit, asshole!" says the sweet little girl. Sheer class.
( Biffins Bridge, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:06, Reply)

Not overheard but: It was around 1955...
...and a new friend of mine called Marty from 30 years in the future had to go back to 1885 to bring my future self from 1985 back to the future, anyway, upon seeing the Red Indians on the painted wall he was going to drive towards at 88mph he said:
"But I will crash straight into those Indians"

He was so ignorant that he wasn't thinking 4-dimentionally and didn't realise the Indians would not be there in 1885!
(trentsteel Student radio scum: www.ramair.co.uk, Sun 9 Jan 2005, 22:38, Reply)

More Americans and their ballistic approach to Geography
yank: So where are you from?

me: England

yank: What - the actual city of England?

me: England is a country

yank: Whatever.... so how far is England from London?

me: London is in England

yank: Right, right...but it's pretty near to the UK, right?

me: (shakes head and walks away)
( Young Master Ploppy, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 10:17, Reply)

Unlike ny G/Fs mum (see below)...
...my faux pas was just down to stupidity. Bear with me, it is worth it...
Before cars in the UK all had Catalytic Converters I had heard one imported from the USA which had a very broken "cat" fitted to it. It made a very distinctive rattling noise.
Fast forward a few years and cats have recently been made compulsory and I wander into the workshop of the Saab garage where I worked and all the staff are gathered around a customers car which is making a familiar (but only to me) noise. They're all scratching their heads and looking a little lost. Before my brain has a chance to take control my mouth has blurted out a phrase that it obviously thought had the right balance of technical knowledge and nonchalence, "haven't you lot ever heard a cat when it's fucked?" (About 18 months if you're wondering).
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 13 Jan 2005, 0:48, Reply)

Caves
We were taking a guided tour of a cave. They didn't want any lawsuits, you know, so they'd gone and wired up the whole place.
One of the guys in the group asks, "how did people find their way around in this cave before they put lights in it?"
Lanterns, hello? The tour guide had probably heard this question a million times.
"Bio-illuminescence," our tour guide deadpanned. "Most people don't know this, but if you rub your hands together really fast, they'll let off a bit of a glow."
Then he turned out all the lights.
I then heard twenty people furiously rubbing their hands together.

(no, I didn't fall for it)

On a more general note, I see that you guys have been "enjoying" our "tourists".
^{For several years now, America has been packing up its dumbest citizens, outfitting them with cameras and faulty phrasebooks, and shipping over to Western Europe. We used to just send them all to Texas, but when one of them escaped and got elected president we realized that keeping them on the continent was not an option.}
(fantastic german, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 17:18, Reply)

Some Classics
On London Underground:
Old Woman1: "I don't know what to get husband's name for his birthday."
Old Woman2: "Why don't you get him a book?"
Old Woman1: "Nah, he's already got a book."

My friend, his girlfriend and myself were in his car when there was a power failure. All the street lights when out, and all the houses around were dark. She said, "Oh no, you won't be able to start your car!" He told her it would start just fine, and then she said, "But your headlights won't work! You won't be able to see where you're going!"

At an art supply store in Canada with the missus, we heard this gem:
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Assistant: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

While in Florida I asked an American couple to take a picture of me standing next to the plastic 'Jaws' shark. They said no as they only had one picture left and wanted to take it of them with Minnie Mouse.

While talking about some website one day i said to a co-worker she should join so they can post on the boards. She asked for the address, which i gave her. She hesitated then asked for the post code.

Whilst talking about the y2k bug back in 1999 my friend asked why couldn't they just do what they did in 0999.

i have more but i will spare you all for now.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:06, Reply)

No contest
Speaking as an American, we have Jerry Falwell, Bill O'Reilly, Ken Starr, George Bush, Anna Nicole Smith, the KKK, Britney Spears, Jack Chick, Ashlee Simpson, Ben Affleck, Strong Thurmond, Ann Coulter, Carrot Top, soccer moms, emo music, hillbillies, Christian fundamentalists, Harry Potter book burnings, anime fangirls, and the Bible Belt. We think french fries are French, homosexuality is a choice, Jesus is white, common sense should be punishable by death, the Civil War was only about freeing the slaves, WW2 was only about freeing the Jews, Janet Jackson is offensive for having boobs, and the English are "tea-sipping pansies".

Any attempts to prove ignorance exists in Britain (aside from chavs) will be useless. We already have you beat.
(DeadCats, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 1:52, Reply)