My foreign mother..
was at the dinner table once, 'I don't dislike coloured people, but they are very lazy, aren't they?'

:/
(panicking_apathy_love_mutilation_for_a_few_weeks_the_fish_were_plentiful, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:30, Reply)

In a restaurant...
...woman and man on next table looking at the sweet trolley. (I have to do this phonetically.)

Woman says "I'll have a slice of that gattex please."

Man says "Don't show your ignorance dear! It's pronounced 'gay-tex'."
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:27, Reply)

How do these people manage to get into Cambridge?
When I was doing my AS Levels, a girl from the year above, Erin, was doing an AS in English with us year twelves. One day, Jack asked her to pass him something, and said that it was to her left.

At this point, Erin made sort of gun hands - index fingers pointing outwards and thumbs pointing upwards - and put her hands in front of her and looked at them intently.

"Erin," said Jack, "what was that?"
"Oh!" replied Erin, "If I do that, then these fingers make an L shape, so I know it's the left hand."

She got an A in the end.

EDIT: I just remembered another one. A couple of weeks ago, we were sitting in the kitchen at uni, and Chris, illustrating how tired he was, put his head onto his glass of water and pretended to go to sleep, to which Jamie commented "Can you hear the sea?"

We chuckled, at which point Siobhan piped up "How come you can hear the sea when you put a shell to your ear?"
It took us far too long to explain that it's not the *actual* sea you hear.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:17, Reply)

irish ignorance - the best sort!
perhaps not so much ignorant as mind-blowing, but still...

my brother was at coleraine university. during one holiday he was staying with a friend on a farm in the heart of the irish countryside. driving him into town one dark night down country lanes with no streetlights, she was fast approaching a fourway crossroad. to my brother's horror, she turned the headlights off, floored the accelerator and shot over it.

"what are you doing?" gasped my brother, who was now ready to chew his way out of the car.

"it's easier to see if anything is coming if my lights are off," explained his irish friend, baffled at his concern.

"that sort of makes sense," my brother said doubtfully, remaining unconvinced.

"oh, don't worry," his friend said easily. "everybody does it!"

of course. the system will work just fine if everybody does it... needless to say his friend had not thought of it that way at all!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:13, Reply)

great response to a dumbass comment
Imagine the scene: we're at Daytona motor-racing circuit watching a race.
There's a little girl here, maybe aged about 8, very sweet looking thing (and I mean that in the best and most legal possible sense), with her two older brothers watching the race.
There's a deafening, infernal roar growing louder by the second, signifying the approach of the cars on yet another lap.
"Cars are coming", says one of the boys, stating the obvious.
"No shit, asshole!" says the sweet little girl. Sheer class.
( Biffins Bridge, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 15:06, Reply)

Another blonde friend...
UPon arriving at university while watching the weather forecast asked the room full of people "so where are we then..? Are we on the blue bit or the green?"
(chuckins, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:53, Reply)

blonde....
My house mate as lovely a she maybe is so very typically blonde at times.

While sitting on the sofa sucking her thumb (she's in her twenties) watching AI (yes she was actually watching that poor excuse of a movie) on the tv exclaimed "Oh I know where I recognise the little boy from he was in ET!"

Duh.
(chuckins, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:51, Reply)

Some friends visited....
an old decommisioned coal mine in Wales and some obese American asked the tour guide 'How long did it take you guys to make this tourist attraction?'
( Goldfish_, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:45, Reply)

Just this minute as I was reading through these...
...a colleague asked if Qatar was in Italy.
(Dr. Zoidberg, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:36, Reply)

With all these american ones you'd think it was just the public
but no, their news readers aren't too bright either, and not just the fox news lot.
2.6mb wmv file proclaiming the rubbishness of canada.
(big cook, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:34, Reply)

My friend's flatmate
Held the colander over his plate while he drained the spaghetti for his tea.

He'd assumed that the spaghetti would run out of the holes, leaving the water in the colander.
( isthisyou?, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:32, Reply)

Thank God she's not my sister-in-law
My brother told one of his ex-girlfriends that the currency in Sardinia is sardines. She believed him.
(woohoo, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:32, Reply)

Spider monkeys
Me watching nature programs on TV with GF.

HER: Why are they called spider monkeys?
ME: Because they've got eight arms.
HER: Really?

pause while she counts.

HER: No they haven't.


I can't resist saying things like that. I am a bad person.
(WouldSwapABearForATiger, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:31, Reply)

I love Lucie...
...because Lucie is my best friend and has consistently provided us with much dimness over the years. I remember encouraging my brother to wind her up and marvel in her trusting nature. And so this conversation was born:
Lucie: You have tortoises! That's so cool. What do they eat?
Mark: (seizing his moment) Rabbits.
Lucie: What? Really?
Mark: (encouraged) Yes - they catch them and eat them.
Lucie: I never knew they could move that fast!
I swear it happened. Mark has had hours of fun winding her up ever since.

Another of her beauties involved her taking her car to the garage. She rang the mechanic to book it in, and he said, "What sort of car have you got?" to which she replied, "Red."

Lucie is now a primary school teacher. Whatever those kids write in their Monday morning newsbooks, she will believe - brilliant.
( thealternativefact, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:27, Reply)

American tourists
"Do you know Sherlock Holmes is fictional?"
"Really!?"
Oh Jesus.
( Zuowan, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:24, Reply)

In her defence she is blond
While driving down a busy road one night 4 people suddenly came out of the dark walking towards us on the pavement. This road having no streetlights and being in the middle of no where was very very dark. I commented something like it being that dark they might not see where the pavement ends and trip into on coming traffic or something. My girlfriend replyed with, oh its ok they can see where the road is by the lights from the cats-eyes. She didn't realise that they were reflective and that the whole of the countries cats-eyes don't get switched on at the same time.
(Billy Sastard, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:23, Reply)

One time...
...I heard a guy on the bus claim that the Japanese were aliens. Not only did he mention it to his friend, but he tried to back up his theory by saying this:
"They are aliens, that's why they look like us but are a lot shorter. How else can you explain how technologically advanced they are? I wouldn't be suprised if the island aren't space ships and one day they're going to take off!"
(kiss_my_swingers, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:21, Reply)

Cheese and Ham
I went into a sandwich shop the other week and asked for a cheese and ham toastie.

She (for it was her) : "We don't do them"
Me : "Well can I have a slice of toast with ham on it then?"
She : "Yes"
Me : "And can you do me a slice of toast with cheese on it?"
She : "Yes"
Me: "And can you put them both together in a sandwich like fashion plis?"
She : "OK".
Hmmmm....

On the subject of overheard at a party :

"What are you doing with that cheeseplant?"
"Oh, that, I'm trying to wear it like a fairly fashionable moustache".

So there we go
(ruminator Never knowingly overestimated, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Some Classics
On London Underground:
Old Woman1: "I don't know what to get husband's name for his birthday."
Old Woman2: "Why don't you get him a book?"
Old Woman1: "Nah, he's already got a book."

My friend, his girlfriend and myself were in his car when there was a power failure. All the street lights when out, and all the houses around were dark. She said, "Oh no, you won't be able to start your car!" He told her it would start just fine, and then she said, "But your headlights won't work! You won't be able to see where you're going!"

At an art supply store in Canada with the missus, we heard this gem:
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Assistant: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

While in Florida I asked an American couple to take a picture of me standing next to the plastic 'Jaws' shark. They said no as they only had one picture left and wanted to take it of them with Minnie Mouse.

While talking about some website one day i said to a co-worker she should join so they can post on the boards. She asked for the address, which i gave her. She hesitated then asked for the post code.

Whilst talking about the y2k bug back in 1999 my friend asked why couldn't they just do what they did in 0999.

i have more but i will spare you all for now.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Mon 10 Jan 2005, 14:06, Reply)

Charliedontsurf, you reminded me about something
I only reaised a couple of years ago that Andy Pandy was a boy.
I thought nothing of her/him having a girlfriend
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:53, Reply)

blo0dy chavs
Even before chavs evolved, a member of the common ancestry that we share came up to me in a record shop and asked for something by "Jean (as in denim trousers) Mikel Jarrey". I thought well I can either say no, and he'll fuck off, or I can try and work out what the hell he's on about.

I said No
(MBH, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:49, Reply)

I know someone (it's more than my nuts are worth to tell you who)
who doesn't know where the Atlantic Ocean is. They also only realised David Blunkett is blind about a week ago.
( charliedontsurf, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Departmental legend.
Dinosaur footprints can sometimes be fossilised, and some bloke had prised up a load of these footprints and arranged them in a pavement around his home. On a geology field-trip to this place a student was heard to ask something like "wow, isn't it amazing they came so close to the house".
(MBH, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Worked in a pound shop over the summer
You wouldnt believe how many chav's seriously ask how much things are, not just those ball scratching, half brained fuck-wits that think its a laugh.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Just this weekend my mum added to her ever increasing collection
of amusing gaffs. An advert for ebay.co.uk was on the TV and after it finished she commented that it was getting "awfully commercial these days".
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:28, Reply)

Fucktardary
One of my previous managers came up with this little nugget of crapulance. Bearing in mind that I work in IT and that my manager had worked his way up to the higher echelons of IT management from the bottom upwards, upon hearing that the company email server had crapped out and died, promptly decided that the best way to let people know was via email ??? We know this is true as after the server recovered an "All Staff" memo stating that the email server was down was received by "All Staff" and much guffawing and ridicule was directed towards him. He didn't last long after that though and is now in an even more senior position at another company. Poor bastards.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Modern Education
Picture the scene, sunbed shop, pretty but vacant girl behind the counter.

I had prebought credit and wanted a 6 minutes token taken from my balance of 105. You've already worked the sums in your head right ?... She didn't.

Out comes her calculator "You've got 93 minutes left, can you sign your sheet".

"I think your sums are wrong" I replied "I've used a calculator it must be right" she said, starting to get stroppy. Great I thought time for some sport...

"I'm sorry but I used my brain it's 99 minutes"

She looked about ready to explode, but we were right next to the shop owner. I don't think she could count either.

"Everyone makes mistakes" she said...

...Not with 12 years of schooling and a bloody calculator.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:24, Reply)

The British Isles
a few years ago in standard grade history, this conversation took place between the teacher and a rather amusingly named gob of a girl called pamela anderson.
teacher: britain had the biggest navy because britain is an island and needed the protection.
pam: britain's not an island!
teacher: uh, yeah it is.
pam: no way is britain an island.
everyone: uh, yeah it is.
pam: no way is britain an island.

this went on for some time until a world map was produced and everyone had their go at explaining the most basic of geographic concepts. she still wasn't convinced.
(fubar, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:17, Reply)

The magnificent Orangutan
I went along to Chester Zoo recently with the family. Always a pleasant experience, personally I like the Giraffes.

Anyway, we were wandering through the Orangutans enclosure, enjoying the spectacle of a large male doing a little nasal appraisal to pass the time.

Up comes your typical scouse chav family, parents smoking happily away while pushing the pram, noisy kids...you get the picture.

One of the future teenage pregnancy candidates pipes up to her dad....

GIRL: "wot's da?"

DAD: "it's an oorang ootan innit"

GIRL: "duz it dew ennytin?"

ME:(internal dialogue) "does it fuckin do anything?!?!? That is one of the worlds most endangered creatures, which although it might look like a week old wrinkly, hairy balloon could quite happily twist your head off with one foot. If it could be arsed .....but he seems to have decided that picking debris out of his bumhole is more fun."

I give you Homo-Sapiens, self proclaimed pinnacle of evolution...OMFG.
(jr_jayr, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:17, Reply)

Some japes
Two of my old colleagues were clearing out some old laboratory and came across a large bottle of mercury.
"That's quite valuable Alan," qouth Dennis a great practical joker, "I'd get that hall-marked if I were you."
"I'll go down the jewellers lunctime,"replies Alan, only realising that mercury is of course a liquid metal.
Alan was Professor of pharmacology....
(Doctor Evil, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:11, Reply)