Oh yes, and my mum
While I was watching some old film starring that Austrian bodybuilder-turned-film-star-turned-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger said of his very Germanic sounding Austrian accent, "Oh, that accent he's putting on is so fake".
( dr_fonz, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Anyone in tech support can back me up with this
The next person who tells me they use "Windows 97" will be personally buttedfucked by Ronnie the Blind Elephant from Bristol Zoo, then made to gargle it.

EDIT; almost forgot, I did this recently. I was driving to work very early in the morning, and some bloke walked right out in front of my car. I slammed on, wound the window down and shouted "What are you, blind?"

As I finished the sentence, the white of his cane came into view and he carried on regardless across the road, around the same time I sank into my seat wanting to be eaten by skunks.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Strangely named person bearing dairy based desserts?
A few years ago whilst at a party, I enquired of my chum Michael W**ks (lives in E18, you may know him?) if he would like a pint, to which he replied.

MW: what the fuck are you on about, Maloofa fetch the ice cream?

Me: stunned silence
(ray bentos, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:54, Reply)

Sicklittlefuck...
I was buying stuff in Tandy (Radio Shack) and being in uniform got questioned by a 20 something chav type about being a paramedic.
Chav: "Do you see many dead people?"
Me: "Umm...yeah"
Chav: "And what about women having miscarriages and stuff? Do you see that stuff too?"
Me: "Yeah, you see that sort of thing too"
Chav: "Must give you the bloody horn eh?"
Me: "What?"
Chav: "You know, having a look at their ****s while you're helping them"
Me: "No. Go away."
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:52, Reply)

My Dear Old Nan...
Many years ago (I was about 10) we were on a family holiday in Cyprus. We were sat outside a bar about 8pm and the air was starting to get a nip in it.

Suddenly, up pipes Nan: "Look at that poor woman over there, she's got no arms!" she says with great concern.

"Mother, she's wearing a shawl" points out my mum with some disdain...

A Couple of years later we were on another Holiday and my Nan decides she needs the loo. When she returns she has a stern look on her face because "There was a woman coming out of the toilets when I went in, I said hello but she completely ignored me!".

A few minutes later my Mum returns from said convenience. "Mother, this woman who ignored you; what was she wearing?" says mum. "Oh, she was dressed a bit like me" says Nan.

It only turns out there is a full length mirror behind the door...
( TooMuch2AM, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:50, Reply)

What's French for...
This tale was regailed to me by a friend, so I 'overheard' it second hand.
Anyway, him and his mate were in a knocking shop somewhere in France, his mate has a French tart on each knee whilst they are variously carressing him. Mate asks him which of the young ladies he's likely to take upstairs. He turns toward my mate and utters the immortal "I want both of them, what's French for 'menage a trois?'"
Mate still laughs when anyone starts a sentance with the phrase "What's French for..."
(Boris_the_Pig, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:47, Reply)

snorting coke
I once easily convinced a work colleague not to open his can of coke on the lift as the atmospheric pressure difference between floors would cause it to explode. Said colleague gingerly hands me coke can unopened and leaves lift before doors close.
(cuckooland, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:27, Reply)

Advert confusion
Me and a friend were watching TV on a Friday night in the first year of uni. We were watching Channel 4 and some rubbish programme came on and the conversation went as follows:

Her: "I can't believe I pay my licence fee for this rubbish"

Me: "Well you don't because this is Channel 4 and they're funded by advertising" (I didn't know then that Channel 4 do get some funding)

Her: "But the BBC has adverts"

Me: "No they don't"

Cue this repeating for about 5 minutes, me wanting to smash her head in with the nearest blunt object and her not believing me until she'd consulted the guy who was trying to shag her.
(Outatime, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:25, Reply)

thick
an old boss

"What's the address of that restaurant '91 Park Lane'?"

Also in a bar.

Me: Could I have 40 Benson's please?

Barmaid: We don't sell cigarettes behind the bar,
we have a machine over there, but I think it only does 20's "
(sumo_san, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Just remembered myself in y9 history
I'm Reading a passage about... william the conqueror or something...

*hand up*
Me: Miiiiiissss? What does 'mizzled' mean?
Teacher: Mizzled? What are you going on about
Me: Here, where it says william mizzled his troops...
Teacher: You mean mislead.
Me: Oh.
Entire Class: BWAHHAAHAHAH! Retard! MMMMMMnnngh!
Me: Fuck

...bugger
(Attention Whore, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:56, Reply)

Not mine but a mates EX
Once when they were driving down the motor way he had next to no fuel left. His Mrs as quick as a flash pressed the power button on the cd player to turn it off "because it will save fuel"
( Gaz, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Who wants to be a Millionaire
This was watched by my girlfriend and I. It was one of the first 5 questions. Really easy.

Which of these foods does not refer to someone being crazy.

(A) Bananas
(B) Crisps
(C) Crackers
(D) Nuts

The woman playing stared at it for ages before using her ask-the-audience lifeline. As soon as 99% came up for (B) the penny finally dropped.

Since then my girlfriend and I now use the word "crisps" to denote someone of quite special behaviour.
( djtrialprice, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:35, Reply)

My brother met this bloke in oz.
Asking, where he was from, my brother replied Wales in the UK. The oz guy said that he had been to the UK, but not Wales, as he could not find it on the London underground map.
Plus my other brother convinced his mate for years that lettuce was well-boiled cabbage.
Also overheard a few 16 yr olds on a bus talking about tattoos. One said that he didnt want anything like a skull and cross-bones cos it would look shit when he was old and wrinkly. The other says, so what would u have? He replies, a Taz. Fucktard.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:22, Reply)

Several years ago I lived in High Wycombe with an Australian guy
One day in _May_ (note emphasis) we were walking into town when I noticed someone still had a Christmas tree in the window. I pointed this out to him. He said, and I kid ye not, "A Christmas tree? Blimey, what religion celebrates Christmas at this time of year?"
( mikeyyy, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Man Utd 0 - Spurs 0
I overheard the following discussion in the mess room at work:

"The ball was a good three feet over the line."

"No, it was more than that. It was about a yard."

Cue much pointing and laughing!
( bloobloo, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:17, Reply)

Now booking
oneintheeye's Cinema story brought to mind the day I'd arranged to see Football Factory with a friend in Leicester Square. I texted him to let him know it might be sold out - didn't think to ask at the box office - based on the fact that a large sign proclaimed "Now Booking for The Day After Tomorrow"
(SpittyWoonerism, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 15:16, Reply)

Just remember another one
One of my university lecturers. Bearing in mind hes a Dr as well, so shouldnt be too dumb.

Talking about an article he had read, and was struggling for the title of the journal/magazine in which he saw it.

"Its got a yellow cover......come on, someone must know? Its a geographic magazine.....a national one?"

Yes, he was searching for the "National Geographic"
(Nyphur, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:57, Reply)

My sister....
she's kind of ditzy bless her.

One day the family was watching a film when there was a scene where a woman placed her milk bottle tray with the dial telling the milkman how many bottles she wanted, outside her door.

After which my sister piped up, "Why is there a clock on that tray? Is it to tell the milkman what time to deliver the milk?"

Priceless.
(Balron doesn't care how big his photos are, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:52, Reply)

Two sisters...
I was at school with two rather dim sisters.

In American History class, one sister was astonished that the Americans didn't "just airbomb" the British in the Revolutionary War.

The other sister, in a discussion of nationality, declared that she was "Dutch and Germish."
(emgee, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:36, Reply)

At work I supervise a young lad called Matt.
He's comedy gold. We actually keep a file of his quotes... for example (and no word of a lie);

"Mexico City? Where's that?"

"What happened at the end of Titanic?"

"How long was the four minute mile?"

"I say 'just like that'. Just like that Tommy Lee Cooper."

"Beef Stroganoff? Isn't that a type of big lorry?"

And my personal favourite... he was singing "Mmm-bop" by Hanson at his desk.

Me: "I hope you're not singing Hanson..."
Matt: "What?"
Me: "Hanson - the group who did that stupid song you're singing."
Matt (after a lengthy pause): "You mean that person who killed all those people wrote that song?"

After a bit of head scratching we realised the perfectly reasonable confusion with Charles Manson.

Genius.
( Button Man ...a right bottom feeder., Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Euthanasia
We were sat around talking in a class once, the topic was Euthanasia (this wasnt a class topic, just a few of us while waiting for work).

One of our mates asks "what are you talking about?"
we reply "Euthanasia"
He gives a "Oh?"
We ask "do you know what it means?"
He replies "of course, i've been on holiday there"

We still dont know what he meant
(Nyphur, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Our American friends Part 2
Just remembered another American one. First, apologies, I know your country can beat us to a pulp (except at any proper sport) and you are the industrial heart of the world but you do export some heedjits!

Anyhows, me and my gfriend were in St. Lucia on very nice holiday. She's a qualified diver and so i thought i'd do the discovery dive thing. It takes about 30 mins practice in the pool first, breathing with the thing over your mouth, etc. Next day you head out to sea for the real thing. You get the picture.

We hook up with a honeymooning American couple doing the same thing. Big brash southerners. The first exercise in the shallow end of the pool is to hold our noses and blow through the nose underwater to pop your ears (equalise the pressure).

Anyway, Billy Ray (or whatver) tries for 30 minutes to do just this. He can't even do it out of the water. Variously letting go of nose and breathing through mouth. In the end he and Emilou-Jo (or whatever) give up. Emilou- Jo says asks my gfriend whether we'll still go on the dive the next day. She says yes cos I passed my tests. Emilou-jo says "Does that mean you can swim, sugar?" Gfriend: "Yes, it helps"

Emilou-Jo: "Oh...We can't. We didn't know you had to be able to swim to go diving!"

---

Also:

Canadian friend during US election:"Jesus, I'm sick of hearing about the US election on the TV."

US 30-something high school teacher: "It's important you know. You should take more of an interest. Voter apathy is xyz..."

Canadian friend: "Well, I'm Canadian so it's nothing really to do with me"

US teacher in astonished voice: "That's a disgraceful attitude. He's your president too..."
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:16, Reply)

not the right time..
happened last sat
We had just scored a try in front of the posts. Full back lines up the ball on the tee to go for the conversion. Wind keeps blowing the ball over. Superkeen SA winger trots up and spake thus
"Rich, do you need a finger?"
..Just as rich is bending down to the ball.

or
Standing in front of a show at Alton Towers. Brummie asks "what time does the three o'clock show start?"

As my brother in law say
"I only open my mouth to change feet."
(1st team orc, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:12, Reply)

It'll be all Wright
My dad frequents the same golf club as one time footballing legend and current mediocre television personality, Ian Wright. My dad arrived one morning to find Wrighty with his head under the bonnet of his shiny red Ferrari and asked,

"Engine trouble?"

while Wrighty replied,

"No mate, this is the boot, the engine is in the back" as he appeared with his golf clubs.

Oh the shame that I share the same genetic material.
(JonnyDynamite, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:05, Reply)

Counselling
I once met someone who introduced himself as an HIV Counsellor. I bit my tongue to stop myself asking why lorry drivers need counselling.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 14:03, Reply)

before there were mobiles...
... my mate called me, chatted to me and, after a while, asked me: "where are you?"

or another mate (we were still living with our parents then) calls me to asked what his phone number was...
( bierbelly, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 13:57, Reply)

Not My Gran...
This litle snippet of wisdom came from not my gran, but my grandfathers wife (re-married) so i'm pleased to say i have no blood relation with them.
We were sat watching TV one christmas, and one of those loan advets came on TV, with the little toddlers giving legal advice (voices dubbed on).
She comes up with the gem "isn't it clever how they make them say such intelligent things?"
Clearly missing the fact that they had dubbed actors voices onto the images of children.

Another one, whilst walking through a park at night, a group of us were started on by some chavs, who at seeing that there were 8 of, proclaimed "theres 8 of you, so me and him get 3 each".

Or whilst working in an electrical shop, a woman coming back in furious that her kettle wasnt "compatible" with her electrical sockets. Claiming that she was mis-sold the item, and wanted her money back. She had forgotten to remove the plastic safety cover over the plug...
(Nyphur, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 13:54, Reply)

No denying it. It was me
I was queuing up at a UCI cinema with a few mates. Behind the ticket desks were the screens detailing all the screenings that evening. I found the screening for the film we wanted and said to everyone "We should be ok, it says there's 15 tickets left". To which one of my friends replied "Oh yeah look, and that one's got PG tickets left. Twat".

Rats cock.
(oneintheeye, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 13:51, Reply)

Twuntasaurus
I used to work for a large electrical retailer some years back and once had an argument with the assistant manager over the pronunciation of “Toys R Us”.

He was completely convinced it should be “Toysaurus”.

Just before Christmas I was at the g/f’s running club festive do. Cards and present were being handed round and one of the members pipes up with “Ooh, it’s just like Christmas!”
(Analyst, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 13:51, Reply)

interview
on my way to an interview a friend of my wife's - unemployed and on benefits for ages, therefore somewhat naive regarding the job market - looked at me and asked me: "does your employer give you time off for interviews or do you need to take holiday?"

my reply: "if they knew i was going there, i'd say... they give me time off. a lot of it. like... forever..."
( bierbelly, Tue 11 Jan 2005, 13:47, Reply)