Lara Croft
During my first year of university and having that wonderful first installment of government granted loan, I decided to fulfil one of my biggest childhood fantasies...... owning a life sized statue of Lara Croft! £600 later and she was in my room, towering over my bed in my small student halls. It was great. However, I eventually learned this was not the best way to get laid, having scared every girl that ever entered my room, so she went back on ebay a few months later. Still have the photo of my flatmate banging Lara from behind as we took her apart though, good times.

[Edit] If you insist....


(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:43, 6 replies)

A Laser
Utterly drunk having come home from the pub one night, I got bored. And decided to shine a laser at my neighbours house for no reason other than to piss them off.

It didn't reach (cheap-ass pointers...)

So I bought a £250 wicked laser. £250 to piss my neighbours off- 3 weeks in the future.

On the upside it'll burn through floppy disks, melt binbags shut, burst balloons across a room and it looks fantastic on either of the inflatable sharks I've bought since the laser (one about 18" long, the other pretty much life-size).

Also, I bought my first car (Ford Probe) on impulse. And my second (BMW 320) a couple of months later because it had nice wheels.
And while walking home from buying the 320 (it wasn't road legal at the time) it started to rain. So I bought a rather nice leather jacket.

The weird thing is that every month I get to about the 11th and run out of cash and have to stock up on the Tesco own-brand noodles. And it's always near the end of the month I buy these things.
So I impulse buy, but I've not got a bloody clue where the money comes from for it!
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:42, 2 replies)

SKY+ box
greatest invention ever.

All hail Rupert Murdoch!

What's rubbish though is you cant get anything off the hard drive despite two USB ports on the beggar.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:42, 3 replies)

*Jealouses*
IM Conversation:

"I've got tickets to see the Yankees on the March 18th"

"Ooooh, *Jealouses*"

"You should come over for it then"

"Hold on"

*Checks Flight Prices*

"Fuck it, why not"

*Orders Tickets To NY*

We didn't make it to the ballgame in the end but its been a great holiday so far!
(bill, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:42, 2 replies)

Drysuit triumphs!
I've been thinking of a new activity, and friends enjoy kayaking so I decided to pop along. Now, it may be that in more pleasant climes of the world kayaking is carried out on still lakes in glorious sunshine; unfortunately here it's on a cold May evening riding choppy waves on a murky reservoir.

My performance was about as impressive as could be expected from someone who didn't know one end of a boat from another (i.e. a bit crap), but at least I managed not to fall in or to get too wet, even though a fair bit of water came over the side. I was minded, however, of the Capsize Drill the following week. This sounded cold, and very wet..

Off I trunded to a local shop, which was more into diving, and enquired about a wetsuit. Full wetsuits are ok for colder UK weather as long as you don't fall in the water - they're made of tight neoprene which holds a layer of water close, so that your body can heat it. Still, I wasn't intending to fall in often..

Then, I heard the magic words 'Well, I can do you a decent wetsuit for 60 quid, but there are entry level drysuits at 150'. *DING* Impulse upselling!

Drysuits are fundamentally different - the low end ones suitable for watersports (but not for proper diving) typically use a breathable membrane with latex seals around your extremities and a Big Fuckoff Zip so that you can step into it. The seals are so effective initially that you have to make sure they're carefully moved round that pulsating vein in your neck that's trying to stop you developing stars before your eyes. It's probably also quite amusing when you sit on the store floor and try to mime particularly cackhanded paddling movements, without actually having a paddle.. or in fact, when you get into them the wrong way and get your head stuck in the neck seal. Pray that your friends don't have cameras.

I went for it though, especially after learning it really should have been £220(!). The next week came round, I slipped into the water with slightly greater ease, managed not to paddle in circles quite so much and actually really quite enjoyed myself - it's a pretty good way to chill out with a little swell and sunlight over the water.

Capsize Drill loomed, however.. I psyched myself up slightly to capsize the kayak and went for it! Slipping the boat round, banging on the hull whilst upside down, then sliding out hoping that myself and the drysuit wouldn't be claimed by the cold, wet, inky blackness of the reservoir.

I felt.. almost nothing at all! Perhaps I was a little colder, and the buoyancy aid is desperately keeping you afloat but it did the job. My socks were later found to be mildly damp, possibly from condensation. Floating on the water, with no noticeable effects other than wet hair is quite bizarre, and actually not that unpleasant.

Viva le drysuit!
(syllopsium, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:41, Reply)

Gigantabox
About 9 months ago a friend of mine asked me for help specing up a new gaming PC with about £1500 to spend. So having been out of the hardware loop for a while I spent a couple of days reading up on the newest and shinyest do-dahs from Intel, AMD, Nvidia & co.

Then I went and priced up the following for him:

Intel Core2Quad 2.5GHz
A nice ASUS motherboard
2 Nvidia 9800GX2 graphics cards
8GB RAM
3 X Western Digital Raptor 150GB HDDs
Razer AC1 Sound Card
DVDRW
1200W Power Supply
Big Coolermaster case to hold everything.

Pricing this all up came to about £1450 at the time so this was what I suggested, unfortunately the day I sent the list to him he crashed his car and had to spend the money.

Finding this out I was rather disappointed, I had been looking forward to seeing what this machine would be up to.

So I did what any sensible person would do, I checked my credit card balance.

Hmmm, thinks I. It'll leave me with no credit left but fuck it, they keep extending my limit so that's a problem for another day*.

So I ummed, and I ahhed, and I clicked add to basket. Gigantabox is now happily purring along in my room downloading away as I type this.

*I.E. Today when they've stopped doing that and I'm flat broke
(bill, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:38, 2 replies)

£500 telly
about 3 months ago when my old one broke. walked in to currys planning to buy something reasonable, something that'll 'do the job', but ended up walking out with a big fuck off 32'' HDTV complete with stand and with all the relvant bells on.

now all i have to do is figure out how i'm going to pay for the fucker (buy now pay in a year type jobby)
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:37, 3 replies)

Hmmmm got a few of these....
Over my 30 years on the planet I'm just beginning to realise that I am actually shit with money. If I've got it, it gets spent...

Tag Heuer watch (wear it every day, so not too bothered really)
Radio controlled tank. Pile of plastic shit thats been gathering dust for the past 3 years (yep I was in my late twenties when I bought a toy aimed at 10 year olds)
Gibson Les Paul Jr... MMMmmmmMMmmmmmm... I fucking love this guitar even though I am the shittest guitarist since Shitty McShit the one fingered axe banger lost his last finger in a freak string changing accident...

My latest stupid buy came a couple of months back...

Now a bit of back story.
I spend a massive amount of time driving (30-40'000 miles a year) and need to carry a boot full of equipment, so what I drive is pretty important to me. I'm probably in my car more than anywhere else except my bed, so when my last steed ticked past the 200'000 mile mark (yes really!), I decided it was about time to blow what little savings I had on a new chariot...

Hours turned to days then to weeks as I trawled the internet for second hand vehicles. I read reviews, checked common faults, and became an expert in the sub £5000 used car market.

'How big is the boot?'
'How much tax am I going to have to pay to the corrupt cunts that run our fair isle?'
'How many miles can I travel before suckling at the teat of texaco'
'Is it going to explode in a fireball leaving me a charred shell of flesh and bone gripping the mangled steering wheel?'
'Can it get Radio 2?'

Are just some of the myriad of questions I asked of the cheap suited 'salesmen' I met on my travels...

...So I bought a fucking Land Rover...

I saw a Freelander, decided I liked it, bought it.

A. FUCKING. LAND. FUCKING. ROVER!!!

Shit MPG
Shit handling
Shit reliability
Expensive to run

(Big boot though)



(Pop, first post, Woo yay! Apologies for my penis, Honda Accord etc. etc. etc.)
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 21 May 2009, 13:25, 9 replies)

Investing in alcohol = bad idea.
It was recently that I saw Tesco were doing some very nice wine for a fiver a bottle.

I thought "I'll buy 10 bottles, drink a couple now and keep the rest for a few years."

Like fuck I did. It was gone within two weeks.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:21, 2 replies)

Fags
I just cant help myself sometimes
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:18, 5 replies)

Swedish flat pack..
I live in a tiny, ten year old house, and I decided that I needed a coffee table, to match my bookcases, hold up drinks and help with the board whilst I thrash my Dad at Christmas Trivial Pursuits. Easy.

I measured the available floor. and cajoled my mate into a trip to our nearest blue and yellow furniture wasteland. The first time either of us had attended without hangovers. Marvelous.

I looked up the unpronounceable name on the tag, and wandered into the warehousy bit at the back, only to find that there was no sign of the table in the size I needed, but there was one in the next size up, only a matter of milimetres. Piece of cake.

We got this enormous fecker home. Into my kitchen, then measured the box, and the available space. Bugger.

It's still there, in it's box five years on, like a brown cardboardy room elephant that everyone looks at and smirks, 'cos they know it was my idea. It finished my Festive season off beautifully, when it fell on me this year. On Boxing day. Nice.
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:17, Reply)

House sale
Just at the peak of the housing market (around Nov 2007) I sold my house - I could see that house prices at that level could not be sustained with wages rising at nowhere close to the level that house prices were, and the fact that my neighbour had just got a 50 year (yes, 50 f***ing years!) mortgage at the age of 37 (how the hell did someone in a bank think that was a good idea?).

So I thought perhaps it was time to get out.

As it happens, even despite having to split the *profit* with my ex and mother of my children, I was still several tens of thousands up.

Now, I had all the good intentions for the money:

Buy a place in France; nope, done that already.
Bury the money in a high interest account in Iceland or somewhere. Nope.
Invest the money is some quite low risk investments? Nope.
Get advice from a financial advisor? Nope - can't stand them.

So, instead, I moved in with my girlfriend in a large flat next to the sea and bought a telescope. With that telescope I could see sailing boats out on the horizon and it looked like excellent fun.

So I bought one.

Of course, I had no way of towing the thing around with me either.

So I bought a nearly new BMW and had a towhook added.

Took the bloody thing out in the sea, nearly drowned, had a massive row with my GF which resulted in her throwing the rudder and life jackets out into the ocean - luckily the tide was on our side and we gently (the language was anything but gently) floated back to the shore.

Prior to this I had purchased a few upright arcade cabinets with the dosh: Area51, Street Fighter 2 and an original Pacman.

Sadly, there was no way on earth that anyone could get those up the stairs to the aforementioned flat, so we had to move.

We moved to a ridiculously large house, again on the sea front - I like the sea.

...and then I was overcome with paranoia - what if I'm burgled? What if someone breaks in and tries to steal my money (I no longer have a bank account)?

The house looks like some posh-knob ought to live there, and I suppose armed burglars would know no better.

So, I then set about buying security systems.

I bought network cameras, switches, computers with tiny motherboards etc...

I now have it set up like that book "Demon Seed" - I can even phone the house up and ask to be let in should I forget my keys now, and turn lights on and off over the internet (without X10), set the TV to record programs from my phone etc....

I was still thinking of investing the remainder in something a little safe for the future when:

Just the other day, my GF went to my bank account (shoebox - well, ok a safe - another impulse buy) to get some pub vouchers, and ........the cupboard was bare.

Yep, slashed the whole lot up the wall on crap that never gets used.



EDIT: oh, and a Sitar.
(dchurch bah, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:17, 2 replies)

Geeking out:
About a year ago, I had a DVT. This somewhat dented the plans for the 4 week world challenge expedition I was due to go on the next day, however due to the medical insurance included in the price, I was suddenly £3000 richer than I thought I would be (well, the cost of the trip, but paying in instalments had made it seem small).
So while lying there bored in hospital, I looked for ways to spend this cash.
For my birthday that year, I had received a new computer, rather snazzy, cost a grand at the time (self built), costs about £500 now...
Therefore I needed no upgrades, so had nothing to spend money on in good quantity.
So, the instant I got home, I bought a rather large case, a rather large (28") monitor, and a rather snazzy keyboard Total cost: £600.

Worth every penny. My computer now looks like a spaceship, and the only downside to the monitor is occasionally not noticing things in the corners of the screen (and having to turn V-Sync on, but I've never been to fussed about frame rates so long as they are over 30).

My other silly purchase was, having found out that I had friends both at home and at uni who enjoyed munchkin (the card game), buying every game and expansion that I didn't yet own. Including Cthulhu, despite having never read any H.P.Lovecraft. Total cost: £180 or so. Not had a game since due to everyone revising for exams...

Apologies for length, but it takes up far less height on this screen
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Thu 21 May 2009, 13:15, 1 reply)

Early adopter
The one and only time I've had a job where I recieved a nuice chunky bonus (several K's worth) coincided with the advent of DVD.

As a massive movie fan, I had to have one and now I ad the means.
After a quick shufty at What HiFI Sound and Vision, off I trundled to Tottenham Court Road (the electric mecca for tourists in that there London) and proceeded to hand over the sum of £400 for a Pioneer DVD player and another £400 for a surround sound system.

The sound system lasted 18 months, before the sub-wwofer started emitting a very annoying buzzing noise. The problem was, the sub acted as a sort of amp for the rest of the speakers, so that was the end of that.
The DVD player lasted a further four months before displaying an error message on the display all the time, and refused to play anything.

I ended up replacing the lot with a DVD player (£60), surround amp (£150) and surround speakers (£70) which has happily played with me for four trouble free years now.

This is why I will NEVER again fork out hard earned for the latest 'must-have' gadget... despite drooling over the pictures
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:11, Reply)

Just now, from ebay
An LCD TV. At £15, I thought it was an absolute steal.

And as I clicked on the buy it now button, I suddenly realised I'd missed something very important.

Faulty- spares or repairs.

Oh cock.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 21 May 2009, 13:09, Reply)

It looked smaller in the shop!
We've all done it... 52" TV for the spare room, 10 seater sofa for the lounge, 1000 square meteres carpet remnant for the bedroom - with those high ceilings and all that air-conditioned space, it's easy to misjudge sizes in the sales.

So imagine my joy when Mrs Tinpixel, after a trip to the sex shop to "spice up our love life", hands me a box containing a strap-on which, at first glance, could easily be mistaken for a hippo's prosthetic leg.

She apologised for both length and girth, but it was half price and looked smaller in the shop.
(tinpixel, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:08, 4 replies)

back in the day
i bought some original star wars figures and never took them out of the box,
every copy of 2000AD to date.
the holy grail, (the actual grail itself)
a penny black,
a cure for cancer,
a rock that proved there was life on mars,


and then it all got put in the skip as part of a "clearout"
(suboftheday, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:07, Reply)

An engagement ring ...
... what a tw@tting mistake that was.
(Biff..., Thu 21 May 2009, 13:06, Reply)

Sensibility vs. spontaneity
I went on a shopping trip with some female friends. We went to Borders, bought some stuff, and then went next door to Dixons to check out the gadgets.

There, I was walking down the line of plasma TVs (this was early 2005, when these were still new and a 42" was at least £2k) I saw a 42" plasma TV for £1000. I was sorely tempted - I could afford that. Just about. I pitched the idea to my friends. They agreed that it would be awesome but that I could probably spend the money on better things. I agreed - not with reluctance, exactly, as they were right, but maybe with a slight sense of regret.

The next day I happened to be going back to the same shopping centre with two of my male friends. I decided to show them the TV, so that they would understand how sorely I had been tempted.

Half an hour later we were cramming 42 inches of electronics into the back seat of my mate's car and I was £500 lighter with £800 worth of HP (including 5-year warranty) to pay off.

Last payment was two months ago and it was worth every blessed penny.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:00, Reply)

For no real reason I've just bought a Honda Accord
That junkie cunt on the end of the street better not keep giving me funny looks.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:59, 5 replies)

Ladies and Gentlemen
I got drunk, went trawling around on line and on the spur of the moment bought one of these:

www.jesuspan.com/

I used it a couple of times and then sold it to my housemate.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Another true story
I'm a lodger with my best friend Charlie. His brother Rupert is a lovely chap but a teensy-weensy bit autistic and childish.

A popular story around the dinner table is this:

Charlie returns home after a long day at work and proceeds to climb upstairs to drop off his gear, however, something catches his eye inside the dining room.

Charlie double takes, his eyes must be deceiving him.

He climbs back down the stairs and pushes open the dining room door.

There in all it's splendour is Rupert's Impulse Purchase
A life-size inflatable Rhino
( WormuIus, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:56, 6 replies)

A pearoast for me
But a while ago I bought 400 self adhesive goggly eyes from ebay one lunchtime, on an impulse, and gave everything on my desk pairs of beady eyes.

They've nearly all gone now. I began to get a bit paranoid after a while, with a feeling that something, somewhere, was watching me.

cfb
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:55, 7 replies)

Fearing my relationship was souring a little
I bought a fuckton of sexy underwear to tempt him next time I saw him. He broke up with me before I got a chance to show him. It now languishes in my top drawer unloved :(

EDIT: If this wins, I'll post pictures. Anything to beat Wormulus

Edit: I want the best story to win this week, so I'll post the pic in replies and encourage you to all click on the story you think is best.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:53, 105 replies)

Tesco: The Reduced Section
In my second year as an undergraduate, I moved into a nasty little flat in Barons Court with a couple of friends. (I've posted a few stories before about the three years I spent in that building.)

Between the campus and our flat there was a Tesco. Not just one of those little 'metro' or 'express' shops - a big fucker, which claimed to be open for 24 hours, despite invariably closing at midnight.

The first year that we were in this place, my flatmates and I got into a regular routine of shopping there on a Sunday morning. Taking into account everyone's rather limited budget, we would immediately head for the "Reduced to Clear" section and fight our way past the other students, cheapskates and degenerates pawing the bargain-priced goods as they wiped the foetid saliva from their crusty maws.

And we would just buy any old crap that looked edible/interesting and was cheap. Pork pies at half price? I'm sure I'll eat them at some point. 40p off a pack of ham? I'll find a use for it. Girlfriend coming over for dinner? Hey - there's a big lump of Huss going cheap here! That'll impress her... (I honestly thought I'd scored a bargain with that one until I got it out the freezer that afternoon and found it reeked of ammonia)

It was not long before this became a standard stop-off on the way home whilst intoxicated to various degrees. On one particular occasion we wandered in there and found them flogging off iced Madeira cakes. Half price? Yep, we'll have two of those.

It is only in later years that I came round to the idea that I should probably ask myself whether I'd want these items at their normal price, or whether I would normally want to buy them but was deterred by the price. Buying something just because it was cheap probably wasn't the best motivation for acquiring, say, that tub of coronation chicken which was a suspicious shade of yellow and probably glowed in the dark. Or that pack of "Cheese and biscuits for one" which contained precisely three soggy crackers, a few lumps of cheese which were only distinguishable by their unique colouration and varying degrees of rubberiness, a square of butter you wouldn't even offer as anal lube to Robbie Williams before you exacted your horny-horse-based revenge for having to hear 'Angels' for the umpteen-millionth time, and, best of all, a small rectangle of plastic with one edge thinned down slightly to act as some kind of rudimentary knife.

I did actually keep the 'knife' for a while - in some ways it made the most delightful fusion of modern, plastic thermoforming technology with the 'vintage' design style of stone-age cutting tools.

But I shouldn't complain. Foolish though some of my purchases were, I'm sure the "Reduced" aisle helped my student loan go a little bit further, and certainly helped me narrow down the foodstuffs I would certainly never buy again. And provided some amusement in those evenings when the telly was on the blink we couldn't really afford to go to the pub again.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:48, 3 replies)

ohhhh
Back when i was a tad younger i got my first full monthly wage from my first proper job.

i was 16 and had about just over a grand so what did i buy.

a fucking memory foam matress thingy for about £800.

it's lovely to sleep on (make imprints of my cock on it) but i was well and truly fucked for the rest of the month after that.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:42, 7 replies)

.
I collect varieties of Chilli Sauce. I now have 20 different kinds sitting in my cupboard at home, of which the hottest is Dave's Insanity Sauce (ohfuckmymouthisonfire).

I do use them, though. With every meal of the day, I slap on a couple of litres of the stuff.

Also, useless electronic gizmo's, and old cars (I usually try unsuccesfully to get them running and then sell them for scrap a few weeks later).
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 21 May 2009, 12:40, 3 replies)