I briefly worked
on a permanent children's Fun-Fair when I was in my teens (no, nothing like that ever happened, you at the back). Actually it was owned by the widow of the company's founder and she loved her two sons who ran it for her for 20 years so much that she left the whole shebang and other businesses to her useless (and fucking hideously ugly) in-bred, pikey daughters and her equally hideous ex-daughter-in-law when she died last year). Yes, I'm talking about Masons of Cleveleys (if you know the area). Possibly the most dysfunctional family that ever roamed the North West. One of the grandsons whacked himself rather than work for them and the other one fucked off to London never to be seen again (their sister and niece are the local town bikes, the mother is a fully mental born-again nutcase - you get the picture. I actually feel quite sorry for them.). Anyhow, I had the pleasure of working on their promenade death-trap for a year and the particular brand of humour that sprung up amongst the staff was pretty white-knuckle. A gentleman placed his young son (dressed as a fireman) in the front seat of their 'Vintage Cars' ride one afternoon with the words "Do you want me to hold your helmet?" Not as funny in translation but the sight of the staff member in attendance falling to the floor holding his sides (followed by the rest of the staff including the ride operator) will stay with me forever.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:51, Reply)

Length?
I wonder how long this one will get.

EDIT:


This is a continuation of this thread
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:50, 357 replies)

My Former Mother In Law
Bless 'er

Always used to get words muddled up, occasionally causing massive amounts of offence, but thats not the subject of the day, so...

Few years back, and she and her partner had the whole house redecorated. What better way to show off than by inviting a few close friends round for a nice dinner party and a guided tour.

All going well. Plenty of approving nods, questions about where things were bought and lots of praise for her flair for interiors.

'Oh now in the lounge, I must show you our new washable dildo rail'

She was ace, she was.

First time post, folks, so thankyou for playing.
(djlumpyrulesok beware of cousin Mosquito and his solo, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:45, Reply)

I've got a big one.
A 2.1 that is. Woo!
( Maladicta, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:20, 8 replies)

I've just made a post.!
Whoop Whoop Mr. Gimlet.
(toomanydecibels has bleeding ears on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 0:19, 1 reply)

Tradesman's entrance
I'm off to deliver to a department store on Monday, in my big lorry. This particular shop has a service access that can only be used from the wrong direction for a vehicle this size. I found this out the first time I went there, when the security guard instructed me to "take it up the wrong 'un, mate".

Of course, the only reply possible was "Got any vaseline, then?"

Fnarrr!
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:54, 1 reply)

The other day
I was doing some gardening and I ended up
running over the debris from the recent re-carpetting of the living room, which had been put on the lawn. Because of the heat generated from the friction with said debris,
the blades had become very soft and flexible.

"Ah drat!" I cried
"What is it dear?" asked Wife
"Chopper's gone limp" I replied.
"Oh no!" She said "What happened?"
"Well I got it out but just ended up eating carpet!"

Well, off I popped to the DIY store to buy a new one.

"Hello!" chirped the sales assistant.
"Hello.... Connie" said I, spotting her name badge.
"That's Miss Lingus to you sir!" she said reproachfully.
"Terrible sorry. Could you direct me to the lawnmowers?"

Well, on the way to the lawnmowers I accidentally knocked into this burly chap. I apologised immediately of course.

"That's Dave," explained Miss Lingus "he's a member of our store rugby team."
"Hmm. A good strong member I daresay!"

We continued until arriving at the lawnmower aisle. It was here I noticed some shears.

"Ooh, these would be perfect!" I exclaimed.
"For what?" asked a, frankly belligerent, Connie.
"Why my wifes unruly bush of course! Just the other day I noticed a pair of pine martens making a nest in there!"

Having acquired a lawnmower, I became curious as to what other items I could purchase, so asked Connie to lead me to the bicycles.

There was arranged a beautiful shelf of bicycling paraphernalia, and I saw just the item I wanted. I reached out and picked it up.

"I'll buy this!" I said
"Should I polish it for you sir?" asked Connie
"Polish what?"
"Your bell of course sir! I'd very much like to polish your big purple bell!"
The colourful bicycle bell I'd picked up was indeed a bit grubby, and could perhaps do with a nice clean.
"Ooh yes please!" I shouted. "I only need a new one because a religious figurehead robbed my last one!"
"Indeed sir?"
"Ooh yes I punished him accordingly of course."
"How so sir?"
"Well I flogged the bishop you fool!" I yelled, cursing the child's ignorance."

I got to the checkout with my items and was very pleased with how the shop had gone.

"What brand of lawnmower is it, sir?" asked the knave at the counter.
"Erm, let me just put my glasses on," I said. "Ah here we are. It is a 'Tightly Puckered Anus 3000"
"Very good, sir."
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:41, 4 replies)

oh my!
A few years ago I went to see a guy in another office and our conversation diminished as we started to home in on a colleagues heated telephone call with a little old lady disputing her previous bill........leading to the classic line

"I'll tell you what, get your husband to bring his old bill up to the office and I'll take a look at it!"

Tears, sniggers, and puzzled looks from said colleague
(Froddo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:41, Reply)

When I worked in a garden center...
The receipts at the till were printed with a friendly message at the end telling the customer who served them.

Only, once, a 6 year old grabbed his parent's receipt from my till and ran off yelling "I was serviced by James, mum!".

Joy.
(keepbritaintidy, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:28, Reply)

The Other Night....
We went to a mates and we were all watching telly, chatting, you the know the usual. My mate starts flicking through the channels and finds "Naked Parents" on Channel 5. Wanting to sicken us all with the sight of droopy naked mums and dads, he switched it on.

Time passes, we're sitting watching it, giggling and occasionally going "ooh look at the size of his winky"... then it turns to a couple, sitting in their living room buttnaked.
They weren't the most attractive couple - she was BIG, had hair on top of hair in her pubic region and was just... FUGLY. And the man? he was no oil painting either... anyway, after a while I turn to everyone and say -

"Oh, I recognise that rug!"

Not realising what I had just said, everyone started pissing themselves laughing.
I was refering to a rug which was underneath the sofa the naked couple were sitting on. OBVIOUSLY not her massive pubic rug.
I've never been so mortified in my whole life...
(banzai_biatch maded you a video but vista ated it, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:11, Reply)

whilst walking through an idyllic park scene on a sunday
we were discussing how to dispose of a dead body (i don't know why). i was campaigning for the 'best thing to do is feed them to pigs' road, a la the movie snatch. my companions returned a blank look so i said, rather loudly,

'look, we've all seen snatch, haven't we ladies?'

pause.

fucksocks.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 23:04, 2 replies)

Or Julian Clary for that matter.
My favourite Clary comment was when spitting image did the whole 'He's not gay' scandal and the Clary puppet responded with 'That is an enormous penis of a lie'
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:59, Reply)

Matron
Easter holidays when I was 14 (28 years ago, so apologies for vagueness over details) I break my wrist on my first (and to this day only) experience of ice skating. Poole Hospital said it was "the worst coleus fracture they had seen in about 10 years"...anyhoo

Back to school after the holidays, and my O-Level History teacher, whose name eludes me for the moment, asks me the immortal question; "So, when are you having it off then?"
Cue me, doing a classic "I am REALLY trying not to PMSL" snigger that went on for about 5 minutes, with a blank look on History-fella's face.

To this day, I still wonder whether he knew what he was saying...
(AlohasRyk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:56, Reply)

why has no one mentioned....
stroking mrs slocombe's pussy?
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:55, Reply)

knob
I spent the day in a Very Serious Meeting (exam board - the one where we fail award students). The bloke next to me was telling me all about his unit and the 'bell end' distribution...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:52, 3 replies)

Working in the Eursotar terminal in Waterloo for Sm@*hs

In our shop, we sold expandable travel bags. They were folded in their plastic cases, and you couldn't really get a good idea of their size from the picture.

While cleaning up a book display, a Portuguese woman came up to me, brandishing such a bag in its plastic case.

PW: 'How big does it get?'

Me: 'Well, madam, that's a very personal question...'

(This caused the man at the counter to crack up)

PW: 'I meant the bag...'
(teepee_uk sniggers whenever anyone uses the word 'period', Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:31, Reply)

From my Blog a few years ago


moblog.co.uk/view.php?id=45399
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:26, Reply)

The other day
I saw a chav and something bad happened to him.



*Awaits huge amounts of clicks*
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:25, Reply)

Drama lessons and innuendo
I was in drama only yesterday and my friend and I were reading through a scene from John Osborne's "Look Back In Anger", cue my next line: "*big paragraph* It was during the General Erection..." followed by silence from me and hysterical laughter from my friend. I'm just thanking Jebus it wasn't one of those moments were everyone is silent...

Wahey, first QOTW post :)
(ShortPurple is still trying to think of a decent board sig on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 22:10, Reply)

This just in...
I'm addressing returned comments on an engineering submittal. Then I stumble upon this gem:

.Verify whether screw has replaceable UHMWPE shoes attached to the flights to support the screw in the trough. If required, provide two sets of replaceable screw shoes as specified in 11333B/1.6.

The only sort of removable screw shoes I've ever seen look something like this:



(Sorry- engineering work can be boring.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:40, 1 reply)

Environ-mentalist
Upon driving past a nuclear power station the conversation turned to all things environmental. My mate suggest that we should "ring Sting"...
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:30, 1 reply)

And another...
A teacher colleague of mine had got to the most important point of whatever knowledge he was imparting when one of the girls asked to go to the toilet. Time of the month and all that, she explained.

"Can't you wait until the end of the period?" was his reply. He swears it wasn't deliberate.
(eesnahk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:23, Reply)

Gaaaaah!
I've had a monumentally busy week at work. Fraught with clashes, bureaucracy, deadlines and just general long days.

However, now that the weekend looms, I think I deserve to have myself a bit of a bender...

Bottoms up, folks. And I'll see some of you on Thursday.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:08, Reply)

Music related.
In the way how I think people can say "I'm just off to go flute." I once left my friends by saying:

"I'm just going to go off and French my Horn."
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:04, Reply)

spit roast
One sunday when my parents came to visit, I took them down to our local farmers market. It was the start of game season and there was a stall with braces of pheasant hanging off the side. Now my family is quite partial to pheasant - we all have gun licences etc. So mum goes up to the man and enquires about the prices. Trouble with a brace is that it's a male and female bird in a pair, which is great for a casserole or something. What she really wanted tho was some nice breast meat to do something a little different with. Would the farmer split these pairs? hell no. So my mother stormed off with the words "whats a girl got to do to get two cocks round here?" ringing in everyones ears. The old dear near me missed the pavement she was so startled.
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:45, Reply)

Remembered another one
Way back when, there was a heated debate on the letters page of the local Gazette about how best to deal with rapists. Some people suggested that castration was the answer, others strongly disagreed. I remember a line from one of the antis' letters:

"The problem with such severe measures as castration is that it snowballs..."
(eesnahk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:28, Reply)

has anyone else noticed
that the Holland - France game on just now is being played in the Wankdorf stadium?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:22, 1 reply)

mmm, nice box
A very happy-clappy excrutiating woman I worked with was talking at me at a do and overheard me saying to a mate that I hurt my back jumping off the wardrobe with the missus, a crap joke which went over her head. She then shouted out,
"I remember messing around jumping off the wardrobe onto the bed and ended up with a 6 inch gash"
silly moo
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:13, Reply)