you've got shit on your shoe!
you shitty shoe bastad
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:38, Reply)

One of the rudest, to be sure...
In high school a friend and I were bantering when I said something that apparently caught him the wrong way. He growled, "You fuck dead cockroaches!" and stomped off.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:37, Reply)

Graffiti
good graffiti always makes me piss, the more inane the better. 'cock piss partridge' on the side of his car - a classic.

When the Kop at Anfield was getting done up some evertonian sprayed on the hoarding 'PROPOSED NEW NETTO STORE'.

Scrawled on the a fire exit in warrington 'abbey jones sucks dicks for da council'
(miklambam, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:37, Reply)

insult help needed
in the weird and wonderful world that is my life, my ex (pregnant with my child) is actually on speaking terms with my ex before her (who i still talk to because of my 4 year old daughter) the latter now has a new bloke, who i get on with... complicated huh ?

my ex works for tesco's and the ex ex's new bloke works for asda and there is usually a good banter of "asda scum" and "tesco skank" (must be dedicated to their jobs!) between them if they ever get the chance to talk (online usually) me and my ex ex just piss ourselves laughing at all this,

anyway me and the ex came up with "working for spazda" to throw at him yesterday, but alas are waiting for a good comeback with the clever use of tesco in the name... can anyone offer any suggestions ?

ps.. isn't it great when ex's get on :o)
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:36, Reply)

And again!
"Why yes, I'd love to meet your wife, your cousin, your mother, your sister and your granny. Which one is she?"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:35, Reply)

What's that funny shaped thing on your head?
Oh, that's right, it's just your face.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:33, Reply)

It is quite rewarding...
to call someone "Knobby McKnobcheese" and I do so on a regular basis.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:33, Reply)

...
Two of my (female) friends had an argument in high school. One turned to the other and screamed 'RATFACE!'

This was swiftly countered with an equally loud 'POOBUMS!'
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Here goes!
I've seen uglier people than you but never with just the one head.
Your face would look good done in clay, for about four hours over a slow fire.
You are a waste of blood and organs.
Jade goody is better known and richer than you because you are a council worker.
I hope you die of a lingering disfiguring and agonising disease you excuse for a runny turd.
You council worker!
I've scraped stuff off my shoes that is more humanoid than you.
You should have been a blow job.
You're living proof that your mum should have done anal with your dad instead of all the other men she picked up.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Playground insult
Along the lines of spacker and mong, I give you the Thalidomide based insult, "You flid."
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:31, Reply)

CCC
"You Captain Cook Cunt".
A delightful insult used by some aborigines against any white Australian in uniform.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:31, Reply)

Crawly what?
I occasionally deal with people that demand to go straight to my boss for a better price at work. A colleague finally got fed up as they suck up to him. The insult Crawling bumlick was born that day....

others include discovering Newark is an anagram of wa##er. so Certain customer hail from newark.

My personal favourite to fall back on thou is cockcheese!
(Digital Pimp, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:29, Reply)

My sister
Whilst arguing with one of her friends came out with

'Yeah, well you look like a Dogs cunt with Jam and Grit on it'

My fave from 80's Playground

Bummer as in 'Errrrr GEROFFMEYOUBUMMER'
( M o D, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:29, Reply)

Training her up
My dear sweet respectable teacher type wife is progressing nicely after many years exposed my extreme swear-osity.

So much so that she is now in trouble for being a potty-mouth in front of the spawn. And he's just started school.

Not a day goes by without a silent prayer of "ohgodpleasedon'taskteacherwhatexactlyafuckingmongheadspasticcuntknobjockeywankeris". Not quite C of E, but from the heart.

I also find "you/your mum/etc sucks little boy's cocks" a goody.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:28, Reply)

many years ago, me and ian were having a bit of a cussing match against our mate dan...
when our other mate ryan jumps up with the match winner

"guys, why are you having a battle of wits with an unarmed target?"

also, a favourite in our local pub is 'cocknose'.

edit: also, our favoured retort is "your mum's [a] ..." repeating what was just said. not big, not clever, but funnny after many jaegers
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:26, Reply)

GInger
Just that. I've heard that as an insult. Many. Many. Many (repeat ad infinitum) times.

Makes me glad I'm a red head.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

in greece
if someone tells you to do somthing or gives a statement which, to them is important but to you is unimportant you say:

"I'll write it on my old shoes" [polite version]

or the more common version:
"I'll write it on my bollocks"

eg. you're driving in athens and the side of your car gets scratched up by a taxi driver over-taking you on the fucking pavement. and you say "hey! you just scratched up my car!"
they say:
"I'll write it on my bollocks"


but of course the "I'll write it on my bollocks" statment is too much effort for the lazy greeks so it soon turns into:
"here" (na in greek)

and then we're left with the simple guesture towards ones own crotch. which means the same thing.

so when my wife tells me i have to empty the rubbish. i simply guesture towards my crotch and she knows i mean: "oh how important! i'll just write that down on my bollocks darling".

It also works very well as a double irony. eg:
"TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL THE BABIES HEADS POPPING OUT!"

"is it? thats nice dear. I'll just write that down on my old shoes"
(L E T S G O "Stop buying into and spreading this shit", Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

School insults are the best
The best mid-80s school insult;

Gaylord

Nuff said
(Darwinism, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Two simple ones...
Cockvein

and

Bellrip
(eddieheadache, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:23, Reply)

From Coming to America
"Freeze, you diseased rhinoceros pizzle"
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:22, Reply)

A drummer I know
comes up with an interesting turn of phrase from time to time. One person annoyed him so much that when he said to him,

"Somebody should set fire to you, ya c*nt!"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:22, Reply)

SKILL and ACE
At School in the 80s, if someone brought in a new toy/football/jacket etc, the worst insult you could say was that it was ACE. A Crap Effort.

Cuts to the quick, I'm sure you'll agree.

Saying someone had SKILL was not a reflection on his prowess on the football field. Oh No.

Skill, according to our tiny minds, was an African Bum Disease.

And I thought it was only our tiny school in Harrogate that knew this, until I met my wife (from Southport) who used the insult against me!

The very cheek.
( lugnut, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:21, Reply)

In the car park at work
my mate and I frequently arrive at work at about the same time, and often park next to each other (saves on door dings!).

When we get out of our vehicles, we usually greet each other by way of (normally exclusively Scottish) insults. So a typical morning may start:

Me: "A'right, bawbag?"

Him: "Aye, wee sacks".

We've been doing this for years (Google Rab Corbett to see where the inspiration came from) but it still makes us laugh when people overhear and look at us strangely.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:20, Reply)

You are the reason P.E. teachers shouldn't fuck...
... especially if they're brother & sister.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:20, Reply)

I once had cause to tell someone:
"It's not that I've stopped liking you, it's that I never fucking liked you and now you've shown your cuntish colours I don't feel obliged to be polite to you anymore, so why don't you just get the fuck out of my face?"

Not as colourful as some of the entries here but I believe it got the point home.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Used by myself this morning
Useless reject fuckstick
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:16, Reply)

Best (worst?) insult I remember from school was...
"Your mum's tits are so juicy that the man from Del Monté said yes!"

Which is hardly an insult is it? I mean, it's a compliment if anything!
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Shitehawk!
Pisswitch
Dickwizard
Belljaw

Basically, stick any (semi)offensive word before a noun and you'll do fine.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:14, Reply)

Well, it hurt me...
Someone called me a 'gooner' the other day - I was gutted.
( snee held his breath since, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:14, Reply)

blue shite
one i remember reading in loaded many years ago..
"may your arse be filled with the bluest of shit"

never did really understand that one
( Kingtoke was shit at life on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:14, Reply)