My old man's worst insult...
..and I haven't used it yet. (Nor did he, either.)

I hope that your mother dies of cancer.

Anything else seems tame after that.
(CdrVimes, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:37, Reply)

last week
i was waiting for a bus, when this absolute minger walks past. we can't stand each other. she thought i couldn't see her giving me the v's behind my back, but i saw her reflection in the bus shelter window. i turned round and told her to fuck off, to which she replied "you fat bitch, don't tell me to fuck off! anyway, you're just making a show of yourself!"
i gave her a very nasty up-and-down look and replied in my mildest tone: "i'm making a show of myself? please, you do that every time you step out of your front door. oxfam is not a designer label." this got more than a few giggles from the people at the bus stop, which annoyed her even more. red in the face and muttering to herself, she stormed off.
it felt good.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:34, Reply)

"GOTH SEX"
When the other half and i were just dating we went out to a "fancy dress nightclub", well that's what i was told anyway...
the theme, i was told would be "dirrty goff types"
So dressed in blacker than black clothes with black trim and value added black, we proceed to said nightclub/bar type place.

insults incurred en route:

greebo / goth / freak / Mr happy etc... you know, the normal things we all yell at dirty goths.
untill one young lad on a bmx ends it all with


"GOTH SEX!"


the girlfriend looks confused then smirked while i collapse onto a car in a fit of giggles, goth sex? is that an insult? could be a compliment... even a request!
Unfortunately he'd disappeared before I regained my composure enough to think of any sort of comeback,
Oh well, he made me laugh - I'll forgive him.
( Coventry, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:33, Reply)

A former colleague of mine...
got so angry at our boss one time, she threatened to "bite off her tits and rip off her flaps". As I said, former colleague!
( randomwomanwholikespink, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:30, Reply)

Failed Nerd
Ex-girlfriend called me a "failed nerd". That hurt....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:28, Reply)

My sis and I......
when we were younger, argued (and sometimes fought) a lot. One particular time we were having a row of gargantuan proportions (lots of proportions and lots of gargantuans lined up tidily) when she shouts out, "Fuck you, you fish faced fanny fucker!" Dont know where it came from, but it ended the argument as both of us were bent over double with laughter. It is now our insult of choice to each other when we are ready to make peace.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:28, Reply)

Workplace Insults
a fave of mine, and one I still use regularly is KNOB-SMACKER.

No idea where this came from, but anything that irks me is immediately christened Knob-Smacker.

We also had several insult, used almost exclusively at work. These included QUIMBOT, occasionally shortened to "You Quim" or more often “You Fucking Quim”- nice, simple & effective.

Also heard regularly in the workplace were: Spunky-Arse, Dinner-Masher, Ball Bag, Fuck-Pig, Shit Stabber, Arse Wipe & Gaybo. Genius eh?

The most bizarre insult I ever received however was via a text message from my uncle which started by simply saying “Now then Cunt Lugs….”

I wittily retorted: “Now then, ya Dinner Mashing Quimbot”
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:22, Reply)

some buttwank annoyed me on the phone
I told colleague I was going to go down there, rip his leg off and rape him with it.

I didn't
(smorgasbord, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:18, Reply)

thank you, Mark Lamar
one of my current faves was one i heard on Never Mind the Buzzcocks:

cock magpie.

i've used it several times, each time leaving the slutty minger in question spitting foam
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:18, Reply)

I was told
a few months back that i looked like a bearded lady...


....By my dad.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:17, Reply)

Winston Churchill ....... Insults
If Only modern politicians were so entertaining !!!!!

Insults between George Bernard Shaw and Winstion Churchill

"Dear Winnie, Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one."

"Dear GBS, Sorry, but I can't make it to the opening night of your new play. However I would appreciate tickets to the second night performance - if you have one."

[ Insults between Lady Astor & Churchill ]

"Sir, if I were married to you, I would serve you posion in your wine."

"Madam, if I were married to you, I would drink it."

[ Insults between Churchill & Besse Bradock MP ]

"Sir, you are drunk."

"Indeed, Madam, and you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."

[On political opponent Clement Attlee]
"A sheep in sheep's clothing."


[On the subject of Italy allying with Nazi Germany]

"It's only fair. We had to have them in the last war."


homepage.tinet.ie/~odyssey/Quotes/History/Churchill.html
(pir881, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:16, Reply)

When I was 13
A classmate (i.e. the biggest, dumbest pikey wanker (literally) in the class, more about him when the time comes) came up with the following random insult at full volume "you fucking cocksucking tittyspunk" in a hushed but heated argument about why Liverpool F.C. were shit, it had the class in stitches (and made it all the funnier by his breaking pre-pubescent voice) and the rapidly decaying near-fundamentalist Religious Studies teacher with a near apoplectic cardiac arrest, and it still got him 8 weeks detention and a letter home and the threat of expulsion if any other incident happened in the future so it must have offended the crusty teacher so badly to need that punishment(and it was pretty damn good for someone with no hope of ever achieving anything after he left school).

Cherry now Popped!, (no length measured but the width is massive)
(Vegard M Vindheim Fuck your dreams, Fuck your life., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:15, Reply)

shawshank
another film one, but i always have a chuckle when i hear screw off the shawshank redemption call one of the inmates a 'fat barrel of monkey spunk'
(westhead, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:11, Reply)

ICF
On a ski trip a few years ago the in putdown was

Involuntary cock fistee

or

Involuntary cock fister

either way you're life's probably not going that well. And it opened up a whole world of docking discussions with the more innocent members of the group.
(Tarquin DLM wasting his life here, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:06, Reply)

Inventing insults
is actually pretty easy. (Words, I mean, not actual concepts.) Most of what I've seen on here- fucknuckle and the like- use a simple formula: take a sexual or scatological term, add an unlikely random noun, and voila! Comedy gold. Chimney-arse fanny ferret, for instance.

I much prefer the conceptual insults. "Some people bring joy wherever they go; others bring joy whenever they go." You can't get much better than that...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:04, Reply)

Oh...
and I got called a "Twat on a Brick" today, which made me giggle like a loon.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:58, Reply)

5 year old virgin
A mate of mine was walking down the street when he saw two chavlings taunting a little girl (all of them about 5 yrs old). She screamed at them and ran away. Then they started shouting afer her:

"VIRGIN! YOU'RE A VIRGIN! HA AH HA HAHHAAA! VIIIIIRGIN!!"
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:56, Reply)

Lock Stock
I always liked the one from Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels:

"You're not funny. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not."


I was once told by a client that "I make everyone else here feel clever". I looked at her for a few seconds and asked her what she meant. She explained that I make things simple to understand and I communicate clearly with the rest of the team.

Riiiight.
(kiwanotree Meh, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:52, Reply)

penis breath
when i was young thats what these american kids called each other.
(Monkeysport2000 I like this!, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:50, Reply)

Out of nowhere
A friend once said this
"Hello twat sack, donkey felcher, monkey tosser, bambi rapist, sheep shagger, mink fiddler, hamster twiddler, general sex fiend. I lack the imagination to continue this tirade..."

It should be noted that I am none to very few of these things and then replied

"Happy bidet, you scrotum splitting, horse rimming, cuntfused(like confused but ruder) bi-sexual art faggot"
(troublebob, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:49, Reply)

CFM
Cock faced malloy, one of my many nicknames/insults at school.

Your mum's so stupid she got stabbed in a driveby.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:43, Reply)

Pikeys
The pikeys in the town of Swanley are a stupid, lazy, horrible bunch.

Makes me wonder why they have a library, it's not like any of the fucko's can read.
(commodore69 loves big butts, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Errrm
I once got harangued by a girl for buying her mate a drink but not her.

"I want to get into your mate's knickers, not yours" I pointed out.

"You've no chance of getting into my knickers anyway, I wouldn't fuck you if you paid me", the harpie retorted.

"I'd rather have a wank", I said.

Still not entirely sure who came out best from that exchange.
(SpittyWoonerism, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:36, Reply)

my mother invented a family insult...
once upon a time, watching the football on the telly, she got wound up by a particular player who was, to be fair, having a particularly bad day.

bless, her, she got a bit confused, and and screamed out 'you... you... dickbean!'

still got no idea what the hell she was thinking of, but if ever need to get a word in edgeways we just call her a dickbean these days. usually works quite well.
(blades is looking for a brain, any brain, at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:35, Reply)

Sorry Thirty-Two
won't do it again.

You wobbling shit bucket is also a favourite, as is you nun-hobbling carrot eater.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:34, Reply)

i once accused an ex girlfriend...
... of being from the 'miss piggy school of dating.'
(blades is looking for a brain, any brain, at, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:30, Reply)

I asked
a philosophy student today if he had removed his lowest ribs.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:28, Reply)

You ought to be
castrated with bricks.



By the way, WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE 'COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT' LINE FROM BLADE TRINITY! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:25, Reply)

Cock juggling thundercunt
from Blade Trinity.

I love it.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 17:23, Reply)