insulting women
two lines i like to use if a woman tries it on with me. "sorry luv' even i have standards" & "no thanks, i like my women to still have some tread on the tire"

also, when i swear i tend just to put *sticks on the end, such as.

fucksticks

wanksticks

shitsticks
(TheFallGuy doesn't it?!, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:19, Reply)

The Pointless Little Insults
Calling anyone of a questionably chavvish nature a "phlegmy gobshite" works wonders.

I like getting away with using "proliferous strumpet", whooshes over the heads of American ladies too often.

One Anglophile of an American enjoys using "Cunty McFuckface" and "Fucksocks". Her best friend has the distinction of mixing his curses incorrectly, calling something in a video game a "mother-box". That one's caught on now around the household as a result.

Most pointless insult that upsets this heathen household is calling someone a "televangelist".
(Master Kazoo é?, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 23:01, Reply)

insulting northerners
I lived in Preston many moons ago and one evening had a bit of an accident with my car; I drove over a good size rock which spat up and fractured my fuel line causing petrol to piss out all over the place. This was outside the club where I had a snooker match.
Anyway I waited for the AA to turn up with a bucket catching the leak. A cab pulled up with a couple of rank looking ladies; they came over and asked what had happened. I explained. They grunted something and... lit up fags. This is about 4 ft from a gushing fuel line.
The cab driver decided he didn't want to be toast and usheredd them towards the club, looked back over his shoulder and said, "Don't worry mate.... you can't educate pork".
(DustyD, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 22:33, Reply)

Insulting Spanish
I've lived in Spain for seven years and still can't get over this. I learnt the phrase, "Mi Caca en la leche de to madre" as a good sociable way to insult someone. Then I learnt the translation.
Literally, "I shit in your mothers milk".
They say this all the time around here.
(DustyD, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 22:27, Reply)

Ah yes, Venezuelan beaver cheese
You suck cock for Venezuela.

Can be extended to encompass references to Venezuelan Olympic Wanking Team, Venezuelan Champion Knobjockey 1973, etc. etc. I have no idea what the poor Venezuelans have done to deserve this.
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 22:07, Reply)

Undressing a fat bird who is wearing tight clothes
Is like opening a carton of milk wrong.
( TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt made you lose the game on, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:54, Reply)

Spindledick?
I have always liked "It's like a penis, only smaller"
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:27, Reply)

oooh and another favourite
go and take a piss in the wind!
(shellziimoo89, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:16, Reply)

Four Brains
Re-post, but we had a (contractor) manager who was an arse. A total arse.

We called him "Four Brains" - even had a salute and everything which we used in meetings and everything. He took it as a compliment.

Idiot.

"Four Brains" was just a shortened version of "Shit for Brains"

Still use it now for other people - it's great - Use it - you know you want to!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:16, Reply)

!
For when you're about to mash the fuck out of some cunt:

In a very soft gravelly voice after an ironic pause....

"Pull yer pants down, sweetie"
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:13, Reply)

What the....!!??!?!?!?!
Just got in, on the way home saw 2 scratter ladies squaring up for a fight at the bus stop, one shouted at the other...

"If you pulled your piss flaps over your head you'd look like a sugar puff!"

Is it an insult? What does it mean? I'm assuming it wasn't meant as a compliment but.....??!? What?
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:10, Reply)

Random ones...
C*nt face whorebag (random)
(To my friend which walked into my fag) "If your brains were you boobs you would be just nipples"- funny at the time
"Shut it mini Hitler"
"What broke your anus?"
(shellziimoo89, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:05, Reply)

I heard someone say the other day .....
"I bet the parents wished they had thrown away the baby and brought up the placenta." Ouch.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 21:03, Reply)

A plethora of profanity
I've heard some absolute corkers in my time:

- "You're a total AIDS victim"
- "Utter walloper"
- "Fanny baws"
- "You're a pure trumpet" ?
- "Bolt yah rocket" ??
- "I wouldn't give you a whiff of my shite"
- "Bite my banger"
- "Away and take a fuck to yourself"
- "Take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut"

and many, many others. Not available in any shops.

PS: My personal favourite swears are from an old Viz annual, specifically Sid The Sexist:

"GO EAT SOME WANK" &
"YOU BIG LUMP OF FUCK"

Top quality.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:53, Reply)

My local watering hole
has a liquor store next to it, and quite often kids will hang around asking either for a cigarette or if you can go buy them a pack.
My witty response every time is:

"Maybe when you're out of diapers".

Sounds lame, but it usually makes their friends laugh.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:51, Reply)

If you live in Chesterfield
Telling someone they 'come from Mansfield' is considered a pretty bad one by a lot of people, considering the rivalry there is between the 2 towns.
Chesterfield football fans STILL shout 'SCABS' to Mansfield fans, due to the Notts miners working during the miners strike in 1984/5.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:40, Reply)

To refer to a less than attractive lady, the following comment may be used;
"If I had a garden full of cocks I wouldn't let her look over the wall."
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:35, Reply)

Just answer
Your mum. Or your face. Shuts people straight up. Not funny, I admit, but the expression on their face when they realise that you've just insulted mummy is priceless.
(Demagogue69 did your grandad 3 times., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:23, Reply)

face
like a flip-flop.
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:17, Reply)

me and my cousin
call each other poo pants pirate. not sure where that came from. but it sounds lovely and childish, so we kept it.
(morningtoncrescent, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 20:12, Reply)

Best said in an extremely camp voice...
When someone's being an arse


"Well, SOMEONE put on their MEANIE-PANTS today!"
(conby whinemoansleep, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:47, Reply)

My Favourite one used today is
Cum guzzling fuck weasel. (At another motorist from inside my crash helmet - I mean how hard is it to use some mirrors?)
( SQUID, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:46, Reply)

General Insults
"That girl is dumber than a bag of hammers."

"Dude, you are about as useful as a basketball bat."

"Ive got loafers smarter than you."
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:36, Reply)

Redneck
I don't know why, but I often use the insult:

"Ah, ya feckin' redneck"

To just about everyone.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:33, Reply)

Sea Cows
A mate of mine in college was at a Fraternity party at the College of Charleston (SC) and he got into a wrastlin' (wrestling) match with a HUGE bastard. This guy had to clock in a close to 400lbs...without much muscle.

So my buddy (who had already been to Airborne school with the Army, so was in great shape) is winding him up and the big'un says "Lets wrastle" in the way only a redneck from a small southern town can say.

My buddy takes him up and we begin to cheer him on. Until...the fat bastard literally smothers him and lands ALL of his gelatinous self on top of my buddy, who can now hardly breathe.

And what did he say? All my buddy could muster was enough air to half-scream "You're a huge dumb manatee!"

When we were done pissing ourselves (because this fat bastard DID look like a great big manatee/sea cow) we did our best to hoist the fat bastard off our buddy who was an odd shade of purple from lack of oxygen. He survived to wrastle no more.

edit: for those unfamilar, here is a pic of a manatee. And Im serious, the fat bastard REALLY looked just like this! www.epa.gov/espp/poster/jpegs/Manatee.jpg
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:31, Reply)

Ugly Tree
I'm afraid that I haven't read through all the messages so I don't know if this has been used, but there's the old "Ugly Tree" phrase that I and my friends use - ie:

She's just fallen out of the ugly tree

Or

She's fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Or

She's fallen out of the ugly tree, hit every branch and then landed on a pile of rocks

This can, of course, be modified to reflect a "He", but we're not known for commenting on how other men look.

Really.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:28, Reply)

I wish I could take the credit for this one.
"You're about as useful as a cock-flavoured lollipop!"

/dodgeball
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:26, Reply)

Not cutting
This one isn't cutting, but I use it a lot - it's also one I can slot into every day conversation.

It merely uses the extension ... "As a rock" (or some permutation thereof)

For example:

Stupid as a rock
Older than a rock
Thicker than a rock
Uglier than a rock

Every day use:

"Geez, you really are as stupid as a rock, aren't you?"
(In response to "How old is he/is she/am I") "Hmmm are you/they older than rocks?"
"That was so mind bendingly moronic, you have to be thicker than a rock"
"My God, she's uglier than a pile of rocks"

And no swear words are required.

****Click I like this, go on, you know you want to****

:o)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:25, Reply)

.
I told my friend he came so prematurely he was his own father. Only in a cool situation where everyone laughed and worshipped me and it didn't at all fall flat on it's face and I didn't have a small cry in the boys toilets and then say it hurt when I pissed.
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:24, Reply)

Parental Insults
Your Parents were related BEFORE the wedding, weren't they?

(also works for Royals, apparently.)
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 19:19, Reply)