Flid.
Flid flid flidflid. Fliddy flid, flidlips, flid. Flid flid, flidflid flidness. Fliddy flidmuch. Flid flid flid.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:36, Reply)

I inadvertently insulted someone's wife
One night last year, I was round at a mate's house. There was a whole bunch of us there, including one bloke, Gary, who is the subject of this little tale.

Anyway, the topic of conversation got onto a girl whom we all knew well, who was ugly as a bag of spanners, a pain in the arse and to crown it all, hugely fat. We're not talking plump, chubby, overweight or cuddly here. I mean gargantuan.

Anyway, I started going on at some length about her excessive rotundness and then made the crack that if her legs were made of ham, one of them would last you all winter. Much hilarity among the company.

I hadn't noticed, but Gary wasn't laughing. He left shortly afterwards, whereupon another bloke there asked me, "Have you ever met Gary's wife?"

The penny dropped. I had met her. She was of similar proportions, and worse still, a very nice person. I haven't seen either of them since. And it turns out that most of the laughter at the leg of ham joke wasn't because it was funny, but because the rest of them had picked up on this and were pissing themselves listening to me unknowingly digging myself into a deep hole.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:34, Reply)

"ferretophile"
This conjurs images of a scrawny man with a wispy beard mercilessly buggering a bald, blind, newborn ferret. And now I feel sick.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Off-topic request
A challenge for all of you, should you feel so inspired!

I have a 4"x6" frame on my desk at work. It sits in the place where you'd typically expect to see a picture of a wife or a girlfriend.

I have a picture of a minger in it. Google for "fugly woman"- she's the first one to come up.

I need new mingers to put in it! The images have to print out to 4"x6" (or larger, as I can always shrink them), and have to be work-safe. No nudity, nothing that would ge me fired. Just pictures of the ugliest women you can find online.

If you have good ones, please either gaz me the link or send it to my email- oldforgerATyahooDOTcom.

Get me some mingers, ya fanny ferrets!

(Thanks in advance.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:12, Reply)

One of my teachers at school
Always told the story of his own school days.

There was a lad in his class whose surname was Kinard. They of course called him Fu.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:10, Reply)

At school
There was a kid who was both fat and ginger-haired. As you can imagine, many names were hurled at him, but the one that stuck was "Ginger fatty" - which made us howl with such hilarity that some of us dislocated our jaws and soiled ourselves simultaneously.

In our last year, a boy arrived from another town. He had quite prominent teeth and spots. In no time, some wag had christened him "Goofy pizzaface"! This was considered so funny that one girl laughed until she became epileptic and had to be sedated with opium injected into her heart.

But that wasn't the end. Our maths teacher was three feet tall, bald, had BO and wiped his nose up his sleeve. Our name for him? "Speccy four-eyes" on account of him wearing glasses! The first time I heard that, I immediately pissed myself and started hyperventialting with laughter until I became quite blue. Another boy, "Shitsmell Dawson" laughed until he inhaled his teeth, while "Menstrual Barry" (son of a Catholic priest) laughed himself stone dead.

None of these were as funny as our name for Miss Vagina, our music teacher. On finding out that her first name was Sheila, we teased her mercilessly until the class wit came up with the nickname "Poo plop". That name resulted in such gales of laughter that two kids imploded, another fired shit 18 metres from his arse and another (Kevin Swallows) metamorphosed into a 99 ice-cream cone, defying all known laws of biology and physics.

Is it Thursday yet?
(frankspencer, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:00, Reply)

best mates mum
lovely bird, the country type, cooks a mean anything.

drops pyrex bowl. ''cunty bollocks''

burns fingers ''shitty fuck fuck''

it just sounds better from a 50 year old with a knee you just want to sit on.
(Necromental is a voice., Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:59, Reply)

Most offensive insult ever.
I can't take credit for this as it was told to me by a South African, and the insult was in Afrikaans, but the translation is:

You're so ugly you must have been born out of your mothers arsehole because her cunt was too busy.

Never fails to get a reaction. Try it in the pub tonight on the big chap with the tattoos.
(Fluglebinder, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Insults of two words that mean the same thing
Double your insult, double your pleasure:

Cock-Dick
Testicle-Balls
Nipple-tits
Penis-cock

etc, etc.

Also using dfferent parts of the anatomy in the insult, coupled with normal everyday objects:

"Nice one hairdryer-knees"
"Why don't YOU shut up chair-beard?"

This all stemmed from a friend who would insult you by combining a desert with a rude part of the body. The high point of these were "rice-pudding-dick" and "ice-cream-tits".

Experiment, be creative.
( Captain Fabulous is what Willis was talking 'bout., Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:41, Reply)

just one more
if some one is grumpy, just say "who pissed on your cornflakes?". Never fails to cheer them up!
(kurious orange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:40, Reply)

You fucking flower pot
Once in Russia and being around 14 and being bilingual and all other russian kids wanted to learn english swear words. They already knew the usual ones so i took it apon myself to teach the extra specailly crazy mad rude ones. These consisted of the following- flower pot, tea bag, napkin (considered ultra rude), corn flake etc. This gang of lads spent a whole summer incorporating these words into their existing vocaburary with halarious consiquences. One memory i will treasure is when a fight started when one kid called the others mum "fucking tea bag slut", a sublime mix of english/russian insult action.
This also worked once in England when some class mate of my sisters wanted to insult my sis in her mother tongue. Not wanting to miss the opportunity I told him the russian for "i love you". This idiot spent the whole day insisting that he loved her. Oh how i laughed....
(kurious orange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:38, Reply)

Another St Henrys Story..
Our Latin master was called Ronald Biggs, believe it or not, but this wasnt the best thing about him.
He was immensely hirsute, big swathes of fur ran down his arms and out of his collar, as though a gorilla was in there, trying to climb out.

He also suffered with colds and sneezes. In winter, he would have endless colds, in summer, his allergies would cause mucus to stream from his nasal cavities.

The most amusing upshoot of this was to give him 2 perpetually dangling stalactites of snot which hung about half an inch down from his nose, and allowed us to christen him "Wooly Mammoth"

One day one of the 'tusks' was fabled to have dropped onto a 1st years latin translation sat glistening wetly over his copy of Virgil.
(Vic Flange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:29, Reply)

I posted
a nickname and insult combined earlier, in the form of (Shock! Horror!) a story...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:22, Reply)

One of my Father's work colleagues..
.. in the 1970s was called Stephen MacRill

So they called him "Codhead"
(apparently derived from mackrell - he had to explain it to me, too).
(Vic Flange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:19, Reply)

The best nickname I heard of
was a bloke who had worked at a company I was visiting for a few weeks. His name was Ian Bath, so the sign on his door said 'I Bath'.

He was known as Optrex.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:16, Reply)

So we're onto Nicknames now, then?
The best ones are the most simplistic..
Picture St Henry's School for boys, an independant scholastic institution in the Somerset countryside. The year is 1986, Lunar Jim is a 3rd year senior, and is in Chemisty class with Gary Herbert.
Gary is challenged facially to say the least. His eyes look off in different directions, and the glasses which cover them are so monstrously thick that you wonder whether light takes weeks to penetrate them. His mouth almost houses an array of comically buck-teeth, and his overbite is so big, it puts his gargantuan adams-apple in constant shadow, and gives the appearance that he has no chin, which he didnt.
Top this off with the fact that he walked slightly stooped and always seemed to position his arms straight down in front of him, and you have the whole picture.
It was this whole ensemble which earned him the nickname "Dork", which summed him up appropriately.

The nickname stuck until Red Dwarf ran the Dwayne Dibley character and then he was rechristened Dwayne.

At a recent school reunion, he turned up with his wife and 2 kids, all of whom had buck teeth and thick glasses. He, being the head of the family was the only one allowed to have no chin and an adams apple that made him look as though he was trying to swallow a tennis ball.
(Vic Flange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:15, Reply)

At School..
...there was a rather skinny guy in our group of friends. We all called him Stick Boy. This was quickly abbreviated to Stick B, which inevitably turned into Dick B and became universal. Anyone could be called a Dick B!

We now have:

Cock B
Wank B
Prick B
Helmet B
Knob B
Arse B
Bellskin B
etc B

Pretty much anything followed by the letter 'B'.

Means nothing to anyone outside our social circle but we all used to find it funny. To be honest almost ten years later and it's still being used!

Ya bunch of Wank B's!

Only kidding.

*Grins*
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Alan Thomasson.......
He never reads these boards so i can name and shame him, he was a small irritating gay (literally) podgy emo kid who managed to piss off pretty much everyone with his constant whinging and spoke about magic all the time and how emotional he was, through all of this he acquired the name 'Nob goblin'

I was quite proud of that one, considering i named him that about seven years ago and hes still getting called it, it proves the best ones always stand the test of time
(Official Sarc, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 11:57, Reply)

OK you blinking flippers,
you can all go and flip yourselves up the blinking trump-hole.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Blah Blah blah...
men, naked, rippling muscles, Big-girls-blouse

Hot damn, you're right.
(Vic Flange, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Hold hands to screen and closes eyes.............
My next prediction will be that the next qotw will involve the words - men - naked - rippling muscles and finally Big-girls-blouse.
( girlinthehole, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:53, Reply)

No matter how hard they try...
Jamaican's always refer to Jimmy Carr as Jamaica...
Thats pretty insulting for either;
The Jamaican
Jimmy Carr
or Jamaica
not quite sure which yet

If ur not sure about this
say jimmy carr in a jamaican accent

x
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:45, Reply)

frankspencer is right...
...and so is big girl's blouse, who correctly predicted that this QOTW would burn out it's funniness quite quickly.

Come on people, let's keep it interesting and not a recycle-fest of arse-biting proportions....







ooh, has anybody mentioned 'cock-lozenge' yet?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:12, Reply)

just remembered another one...
my sister, at the dinner table. actually, thinking about it, there's two...

first of all, when she was in her early teens (oh, she'll hate me for this) sitting around eating sunday dinner with the family, she's describing a footie player and calls him a twat.

my dad and i are desperately trying not to laugh, as my mother tells her off for using that word. she comes back with 'it's not a rude word. it just means idiot. twat twat twat twat twat. see?'

genius.

the main one, though, which has gone down in family legend is her riposte to my dad, steve (well, stephen, but he generally prefers steve). he'd said something rather silly trying to insult her (i forget what it was, exactly, but it was very stupid). she just looks at him, puts her tongue by her bottom lip, and in her best 'mong' voice says 'my name's stephen. what's your disability?'

i save that one for real 'tards, because it's too good to use indiscriminately.
(blades is looking for a brain, any brain, at, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:11, Reply)

Never Piss off a Welshman...

Let's set the scene: one of London's numerous ill-lit stinkhole venues. A trio of abrasive Welsh techno-baiting pseudo-punks ripping through a selection of their rather delectable catalogue. However, some people are perhaps taking it all a little too far; such as the 45-year-old arsehole behind me who, besides wearing his sunglasses upside down on his head, was acting like a 14-year-old at a Linkin Park gig and pushing into a group of girls in front of him (followed by a few none-too-subtle gropes at my breasts, the cheeky scamp). Dancing is one thing, and this certainly wasn't it. After the pushing and shoving got too much and he wound up pushing the singer's microphone into his teeth, the singer - who we shall call Falco on account of that being his name - decided to step in. Thus:

Falco: Excuse me, could we keep the dancing sensible... eh? What did you say? Down the front, here? It's just that I'm not sure I like people getting punched in the back of the head, and I don't enjoy having a microphone pushed into my teeth. Nor do my cats.

Heckler: Get an office job if you don't like it.

Falco: Get a - what the fuck did you say? Don't you tell me to get a fucking office job you sniveling little shitbag. You wouldn't slide off my cock, you wretched fuck. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck. You. Don't you dare fucking tell me get an office job, you little cunt. I had an office job for three years, that's why I need glasses and I look like a loser, like you do.
I damn well work where I want to work, and if I want to work in Greggs the fuckin' Bakers, I will serve those cheesy batons, and I will do it with a damn sight more flare and grace than you ever would, even if I am allergic to them. And I'll get the fucking change right. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and let me do my job - which, for your fuckin' information, is what I was doing before you interrupted me by punching people in the back of the head - yes you did, I fucking watched you! - and slamming a microphone into my teeth, you filthy little prick. Shut the fuck up.
(shoewhore, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Is it just me...
Or is the effect of reading so many quite similar insults in one place actualy quite dull? They've all lost their sting with repetition. It goes to prove that the best insults are context-based and unique.
(frankspencer, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:07, Reply)

Emo respone unit
Shouted by myself exceedingly loudly at said group of poor soulless wanderers of town centres the emos " i wish my grass was as emo as you lot, at least it would cut itself"

Also follwed up with "die in a fire"

Wap wap wap splat
(Frodo, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:05, Reply)

Less is more
Sometimes the simplest ones are the best. After telling my mate at work that a female colleague had just left the most monsterous ghastly shit in trap one of the ladies lavatories, he branded her a "fucking dirty man"
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Similar to Enzyme's
A: "you pillock"
B: "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"
A: "twat!"
B: "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"
A: "stop it you rancid whore-boy!"
B: "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?"

Repeat ad infinitum, or until A breaks B's nose.

Points awarded if B speaks in an annoying sing-song manner.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Schoolyardism, again
In response to any diatribe, one can always say "I know you are". This dazzling riposte wins every time (provided you're under 11 years old, anyway).

For example:
A: You, sir, are a dolt. A rapscallion. You have brought shame on yourself, on your regiment, and on the convent in which you were conceived. You are a fool of the highest order, and an embarrassment to all eukaryotic life.
B: I know you are.

[pause]

A: Fucksocks.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 9:56, Reply)