Short and Sweet...
Interviewer (in the company reception) : Hi, nice to meet you, was your journey here ok?

Me : Yes, fine thanks, trains were running on time for once.

Interviewer : Train? Don't you drive?

Me : No.

Interviewer : Oh, erm, we need someone with a driving license.

Me: Right... OK, I'll be off then.
(BadgerSmaker, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 16:26, Reply)

My worst so far...
Turned up to an interview at a bar, the morning after a booze and drugs binge mission.

Still not completely coherent, and definately not feeling the best I could remember, I managed to sit through the interview, just keeping my eyes open and giving vague and distant responses to everything.

Cue the end of the interview, and me, vomiting over the interviewer as I stood up.

I didn't get the job, and I now work at a different bar not even 5 minutes away. Said first bar went tits up less than six months later. I can't say they wouldn't have done if they employed me.
( cuntmuffin, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 16:20, Reply)

thanks. now get out.
oooo, there's been some belters at our place.

1. one guy who listed his hobbies as "interests in the fantasy gaming genre, especially Lord of the Rings". Next.

2. our work entails long hours and lots of away from home. so it didn't suit the girl who despite coming out with us for a day to see how she liked it, saying she liked it and starting, lasted 6 hours. we got off on the wrong foot when she told us she was a jehovah's witness, and needed to be home for 6 every thursday to do whatever the fuck they do.

3. we also have to drive a lot. so the kid who me and my boss drove into town for an out of office interview with, when asked if long hours and driving were a problem, replied, "i can't actually drive yet" was not driven to the coffee shop of our choice, but instead directly to nottingham train station, and told to foff.

happy days.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 15:17, Reply)

Worst interviewee I ever had
.. was an Aussie bloke in his 40s. When I asked him why he'd come to England he replied "God told me to." He claimed on his CV to have experience which my questioning made obvious he did not have. My comment on the interview report was along the lines of "This bloke is completely insane. Do not employ him". The powers that be obviously liked him because they gave him the job. Tosser ended up being my boss, and the worst boss I have ever had.
(yesyesyes, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 15:02, Reply)

Best and Worst
My best was simply:
Walked into the room full of beers ready for the Christmas party.
int: Here have a beer, and can you start next week.

First job out of Uni pc support for a warehouse. I stayed for 6 months before I needed more money.

Worst interview

int:So you're here for the PHP role
me:No support
int:But we're not interviewing for a support role
me:I think the agency may have made a mistake.
int:But your cv says PHP on it
me: errm no
int: doesn't it

Went on like that for a while, needless to say I didn't get the job
(nebbie, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Slyph
Interesting letter, but perhaps one without so many spelling mistakes would have had more of an impact.

Cheers.
(fogbat, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:41, Reply)

The 30 sec Job Interview.
I have interviewed and have been interviewed many times. But my all time favourite was my first job after graduating.

Phone *ring*ring*
Interviewer: "Oi you c*nt I hear you are going to work for *****"
Me: "Yes, well you haven't offered me anything"
Interviewer: "Ok, well I'm offering you a job. I need to know two things. Do you want it? When can you start?"
Me: "Yes, but can I have a shit first?"

(Yes we did know each other beforehand)
(lecter, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Interview for the last company I worked at
Sales Director and area manager interviewing me. Sales director can barely keep his eyes open, slurring his words a bit and repeating himself. Assumed he was a bit hungover. I coped with it and got the job then found out after I started that they had been on the piss the night before and had only stopped drinking 5 hours before my 9 o'clock interview. The area manager was actually just as pissed but was better at hiding it.
( nick the greek, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:34, Reply)

serial embarrassment
Have had to interview "young people" for a range of starter media jobs (telesales etc).

1) Candidate one applied giving her webmail address which was sexybabe69@[a webmail domain. She'd also put her full postal address, which began with the line "Ground Floor Flat". No interview but I was tempted to go around and peer through the window.

2) I call another candidate. At the time I'm working in a large office in a big street in central London. She has the address. I offer her the interview despite the fact that she sounds a little bit slow on the phone. She asks me "how do I get there?". Quite patiently, I name the nearest two tube stations. "How do I get there from there?". I check that she has the address. She does. I suggest that she checks an A-Z map. When she comes in for interview the next Monday, I say, in the lift, to lighten the mood - "so, you found us all right in the end?" "Yes," she says - "I came for a practice run yesterday." Not offered the position.

3) My favourite, another one who didn't get the job (she didn't really want it and I'm sure she got another one). Very confident, media studies degree, had done some kind of final project where she'd got top marks, but CV was hazy about the details. She mentions it again in the interview, again evading any detail. "So," I say to this nice-looking 22-year-old (i'm a geeky, ugly old mess of 38), "come on, what exactly was this project?", thinking that I'm expertly tricking her into giving me details she'd rather avoid. Deadpan, without hesitation or blushing she explains: "It was a video of four women who made the film, including me, talking frankly about their vaginas: the film is split screen,with the women talking on one side and their vaginas shown in close-up on the other."
What exactly do you say to that? She was ice-cool, I was a gibbering blushing wreck...
(H-Man, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:33, Reply)

BEST INTERVIEW
after xmas and a month off including a hol came home to a email asking for me to take a telephone interview on the mon.
them: would you mind 2 weeks on a arab oil platform surveying stuff.
me: nope
them: when can you start
started on wed, worked there for a year including said trip
which was ok but not as good as the 5 days in a hotel in abu dhabi waiting for security clearance
(montyzuma, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Shortest gig ever: 15 seconds, Marconi, Hove
Bloke: So I see from your CV that you've used TeamWork before.

Me: Really?

Bloke: Well I think we'll leave it there.


Bastard lying agents.


Still I got the last laugh because they shut the place and moved everyone to Leicester. Ha Ha Ha!
( High Lord Phanty, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Unlike the old days when you went to sign up and you would start the week after
You now have to go through Several stages to get into the Army.

I had done my 1st medical/mental tests and had my 1st interview with the staff sergeant which went really well. queue my 2nd one with a SGT Major the first thing he does is hand one of my references and asks me to read it out loud.

To my horror my boss at work (ex marine) without my knowledge had written 2 copies. A proper one and a spoof one. Guess which one the Staff SGT had passed to the SGT Major?

Yup i had to read out loud what my Boss/mate had written on the spoof one, it basicly said my only qualification was a NVQ level 1 in drinks machines, i was a raging homosexual, i cant wait to be cleaning my weapon infront of the lads and that as a ex serviceman he is shocked that our countrys future is in my hands.

Luckily i saw the funny side straight away and so did the SGT major.

I have now passed and i am waiting for a start date.
( Gaz, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:20, Reply)

Vultan...the hooded man
But are you local?

/We do not defecate in the downstair lavatory!
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:09, Reply)

bovrilboy
ah yes retraining, the boosting moral session

My best interview
boss of company: Do you smoke?
Me: Yes
Boss of company shouting: Steve get this lad some overalls.
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Sorry
My bad, my response to "*A*" stock rejection. :P
(Slyph, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:03, Reply)

(Slyph
(Slyph
SO YOU DONT GET MUCH WORK THEN?
(montyzuma, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 14:02, Reply)

My response to stock rejection.
Dear ---- and ----- FM

Thankyou for your recent and most sympathetic letter. It is always
welcome to get cold, machinated stock response rejections rather than
being humoured with an interview or at the very least constructive
criticism. (It is of course, fairly doubtless you got past the "date
of birth" section of my Curriculum Vitae)

Dispite your most probably throwing the position away to some useless
aging hipster tosser with a crap ponytail and acute dandruff who
doesn't need the money, and will furthermore produce nothing but
tacky, banal "x-treme" marketing for your station, I wish you and your
entire crew of mental defecits nothing but the best. may you continue
to pablum-feed your entire listening base of sheeple the same tedious
crap you have been churning out since the station's unfortunate birth.

Yours Sincerely

Rev. D. Moore
(Slyph, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 13:55, Reply)

Keep talkin', keep talkin'
A good friend of mine had, until a couple of years ago, a seriously heavy weed habit. He also somehow managed to hold down a management position at a major office equipment company, the one that sounds a bit like the thing that fires cannonballs.

Anyhows, he was once interviewing people for a junior office job all day and began suffering ever-increasing levels of frustration at the lacklustre quality of the candidates. Finding himself with a spare two minutes before the final interview of the day, he decided to run out back and quickly suck down a spliff in order to make the last one a little more interesting.

So, this poor young fella of around 16 years of age comes into his office and sits there nervously fumbling for answers to the opening questions, when after five minutes or so the unexpectedly potent nature of the skunk begins to manifest itself.

My mate begins to have a little trouble holding it together, and certainly can't put any insightful questions to the lad, so begins to rely on repeatedly asking him to elaborate further on his answers - e.g. "This will be my first full time job since leaving school, the only other thing I've done is a paper round" - "ok, go on" - "erm, that's it" - "ok, go on" etc. After a while the absurdity of the situation suddenly dawns on him, he begins to think about what the guy must be going through, and he begins to laugh uncontrollably as the poor fellow stutters helplessly away.

About ten minutes or so in, a full-blown whitey starts to kick in, and so he says to the kid "look, you just keep on talking, I'm just gonna rest my head on the desk for a while" - which he promptly does, and immediately passes out.

An unknown amount of minutes later he wakes up not knowing where the hell he is, sits up, and slowly realises this kid is still sat there opposite him, in complete silence and looking about to burst into tears. So he takes a few seconds to clear his head a little, takes a deep breath, and says "ok that'll do, you haven't got the job, there's the door, can you turn out the light on your way out"

The guy even said thankyou as he left the room.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 13:43, Reply)

2 for 1
1. I used to work in the office of a branch of Allders many years back in SE London. The personnel manager told me that one of the area's most notorious shoplifters (i.e. the one most nicked by the store detective) actually applied for a sales assistant's position!
2. I worked at the Met Police forensic lab as a placement student and was showing around a student for the next year's intake who asked "Joo fink my record for nicking cars matters?".
(Doctor Evil, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 13:21, Reply)

vultan-the hooded man
you can apply for as many jobs as you like.
but your never going to get one you worthless dole scum!!!
(bovrilboy, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 13:14, Reply)

Not strictly interview related but a genuine tale....
In the last few weeks of our OND back in 1990 those that were going to find a job, rather than dossing around at another college doing an HNC, started preparing CVs to send out to prospective employers. I was sorted as I was off to write Paradox apps. at the company where'd I'd had work experience but one mate was not so fortunate. He had typed up his CV & was ready to print out several copies on the 'posh' daisywheel printer but had to leave his PC unattended for a bit. I thought I'd add a humourous addition to his CV and under the 'Personal Interests' along with home computing, socialising and the other bullshit that gets lumped in that section I hastily added 'Wanking in public' and slinked off back to my own desk. I said and heard nothing and it was only after several got posted off to local companies looking for trainee / junior programmers that he must have read it and was horrified to find out my special amendment. Funnily enough one company did reply & sent the CV back to him with the 'Wanking in public' highlighted and the comments 'We would you to come and give us a display of this' written beside it.... Fortunately he did see the funny side and it's not done him any harm as he's doing very well indeed writing software...
(Paulyw, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 13:03, Reply)

Think first, then speak!
I’d been called back for a 3rd interview and was feeling a bit cocky, I’d all but been given the job in the 2nd so the last thing was to meet my future boss and see how we get on.

We meet and things are going great, we’re really just chatting. He’s a large guy but pretty cool and a good laugh, half way through he offers to take me out for a nice Costa coffee. On the way there he tells me that for some reason he just loves the large warm milks with hazelnut syrup’s but says ‘I’m not sure I should have another one, I’ve had 2 large ones already today, one more and I’ll probably…’

‘Lactate?’ I add

bugger!
( HornO, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Newsflash!
I have, just this minute, received an application form where the temp has listed one of her previous job's duties as 'money laundering'.

Next!
(clapper, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:34, Reply)

Many "That's No" Moons ago...
...I got a job at the local petrol/gas* station, just as the manager was leaving. That meant the position had to be filled and was offered to me. A raw 18 year old with no experience of anything. Aah, Feck it I thought, I'll do it. £14k in 1992 was not to be sniffed at.

I had to interview somebody for my old job as a till monkey, and the only candidate who applied was a shifty unshaven 38 year old serial job dodger. I queried part of his form where under "Have you been convicted of any offence" he had put TBA.

He rather neatly explained that he was due in court in 3 days time and thought the court would look favourably on him if he had a job. I meekly asked what he was charged with, and then came the one word that I had been dreading..."ARSON".

Luckily I didn't need to face the agonising decision of hiring or rejecting a firestarter for a job selling petrol/gas* as he got sent to chokey for 9 months!

I APOLOGISE FOR MY LENGTH AND GIRTH!

* delete as applicable
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:25, Reply)

!!!
Those IT guys sure are nutty! I wish I worked with them! "gobble gobble" heh heh heh!!
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:20, Reply)

Vultan - the hooded man
references to league of gentleman
therefore hes one of us and will fit it.

modern version of the masons but without the breastbearing and trouser leg stuff
(montyzuma, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:08, Reply)

Damn schools
I was desperate for a job, so I applied for a job in a local school fixing their computers. The "technical test" I had to do was wiring a plug. I failed, but got the job anyway. Been here 4 years now, and I've not had to wire a single plug.

A couple of years later, I wanted to move to another school (best school in the borough...loads more money for the same job). I knnew the interview didn't go well - they clearly already had someone in mind for it and weren't interested in anything I had to say - but I got the rejection letter in the first post the next day. They'd posted it before I even got there for the interview!
(krytenk, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 12:06, Reply)

When I was desperate...
Interview had gone well - nice and chatty etc. (aided by the fact I'd been in the pub beforehand). At the end of it they go "well, we think you'd be good at the job, the only thing is we're not sure if you really want it..."

To which I naturally enough respond "Of course I don't fucking want it - it's a sales job. I do, however, need some money, sharpish, and it was either this or King's Cross with my trousers round my ankles."

They still offered it to me, but King's Cross had started to hold more appeal...
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Vultan - the hooded man
Or you could have explained the rules to Go Johnny Go Go Go Go
(Kittykat, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:45, Reply)

Sandhurst
Round two of Sandhurst selection in Westbury and I go in for an interview with some ropey old Colonel.

The Interviewee chair is an unfeasable distance from his desk, so when he offer me a seat I move it in front of said desk and park my arse.

Genuinely angered this Col. tells me to put the chair back where it was, which isn't hard as there are dimples in the carpet. Clearly no-one else has ever thought to move it closer before.

There is nothing like the knowledge that the interviewer is deliberately trying to intimidate one to make sitting in the middle of a room, shouting at a crap field officer the least intimidating of experiences.

All I could think was "which book did you read this in?"

I've left the army now. The crawling around on your belly, shooting people bits are fine, as is the mess, but I find it hard to pretend to care whether some poor Gunner's boots are shiny or not.
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:42, Reply)