Bah
On Sunday night my eldest son told me that the news mentioned Mark Speight had died. My son can be a little emotional at times and as Mark was on one of his favourite shows I thought he may be a little upset.

Instead my son just shrugged and said that he thought they'd give Marks old job to Mr Maker* before wandering off to play on Mario.


*Similar TV arty bloke for you non kids TV forum members
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:29, 6 replies)

Kids...
really do say the darndest things don't they!?

Just the other day my nephew said something well darndest.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:23, 3 replies)

people who say:
"Isn't he/she the most beautiful, cutest, most adorable baby that you've ever seen?"

No. They all look the same.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:19, 12 replies)

Oh the shame...
A while back I was working for a very small company. A company so small I was actually working in the third bedroom of my bosses house.

The upside of this was that his missus would make us lunch, always something healthy and very tasty. The downside was the his four kids would sometimes interrupt, but nothing too bad, I was never expected to wipe bums or anything.

One lunch time we're having some lovely soup and bread and chatting about public displays of affection (which neither of us really mind too much). My boss jokingly says that he never hugs his wife, to which the oldest of his kids responds:

"yes you do, you take all your clothes off and hug mummy and you go UH UH UH UH! and then mummy turns around and you..."

At this point she was stopped by two beetroot faced parents. Work was never the same again...
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:03, Reply)

Profanisaurus
A while ago I was on the tube on my way to work, filling in the Profanisaurus wordsearch in the latest copy of Viz. Sitting next to me was an adorable six-year-old girl in school uniform. Not wanting to sully her pure and innocent mind, I tried to angle my filthy magazine away from her line of vision, but she kept taking surreptitious glances at it. Well you would, wouldn't you, if the crazy lady next to you was reading an exciting-looking comic book... After a while, she started pointing at the wordsearch.

"You missed one there!"
"Eh?"
"M-I-N-G-E, minge!"
"Oh, thanks!"

Which is how I ended up having a six-year-old help me with the Profanisaurus wordsearch. I am so going to hell.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 10:00, 2 replies)

Mum's the word
My mother has been going on and on and on and on and on (etc.) about grandchildren for the past ten years or so. She got rather excited at the point where I nearly got married, but alas, that was not to be.

Trouble is, I did get broody. Very much so. And when you get baby fever it takes over your mind and every woman/animal/plant you see is pregnant and the world is one big fertile place just waiting for your hormones to jump on board. The last thing you need in that state is a) your partner saying "but I don't want to have kids" and b) your mother wailing "Why won't you give me grandchildren? WHY?". Oh, and c) your shrink instructing "Don't get pregnant on this medication. DO NOT get pregnant on this medication".

So I didn't get pregnant - a broken relationship, lack of sex, maternal pressure and sodium valproate does that to a person. Did my mother shut the hell up? No.

Now I'm out the other side of broodiness. I no longer feel like crying in anguished jealousy for three days when a friend tells me she's expecting. I no longer feel the absolute, abject terror of dying childless without passing on my DNA. Did my mother shut up? No.

Last time she tried it though I decided I could cope with an argument so I took a deep breath, turned around and said in a wounded tone "I know you want me to have children. I do too. Well, it wasn't for lack of trying. I think all the men I've ever slept with have been shooting blanks." She actually shut up.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:55, 5 replies)

my brother
was the devil incarnate as a toddler/young boy. he was also very angelic looking, with a mop of white blond hair and big green eyes (he's now a bald accountant and couldn't look less angelic but that's irrelevant, of course).

his 6th birthday party in mcdonalds in a well to do part of buckinghamshire was a NIGHTMARE. 20 well brought up little boys from nice families are still little demons and shits underneath.

"take THAT!" the doctor's son yelled, pouring his chocolate milkshake on innocent people coming up the stairs.

"and THAT!" added the son of a famous footballer, lobbing french fries at the manager.

meanwhile the local solicitor's son was standing on the table perverting the innocent children's songs:

"old macdonald had a POO" he carolled loudly, managing to drown out even the clown with a microphone...

we moved to cheshire shortly after that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:54, Reply)

In one word, Lego
It seems that, as a bloke, you reach a certain age where playing with lego just no longer seems appropriate.

Fortunately, now, I've got the perfect excuse of nieces & nephews to allow me to finally get back into playing with the colourful blocks.

It's almost enough to forgive them for the mono-syllabic, feckless creatures that they will probably become at around the age of 13.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:51, 12 replies)

Horror story !!!!!!
I was informed by my sister last night that my nephew was riding around the street on his bike last week with his sweatshirt hood up and carrying a toy gun. They live in Manchester and he was obviously copying what his older pal had seen on the streets etc. The thing is that if my nephew is doing it, (he's a great kid and has a family background that wouldn't condone this behaviour), then what chance have the poorer less well-parented kids got.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:48, 3 replies)

My nephew
When he was born, I was only 9, so I was limited to the amount of PC use at 14, due to still having dial-up. At 5, he was taught to play Solitaire on the computer, so he called it 'the game'.

I went on the computer to do some schoolwork when he was staying over one night.

This caused him to yell in his loud voice to a full house:

NANA, SAMMI'S ON THE GAME!

We were howling with laughter!


Oh, and my sister dropped another sprog 2 days ago! A healthy 7lb girl called Acassia :)
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:45, Reply)

I've got three kids,
all boys.

Since they were very little I've given them bit and pieces of pocket money which they have put into their building society accounts.

Eventually they had enough to buy themselves (read me) a PS3.

It was the only way I could sneak it past Mrs BDMG.
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:45, 1 reply)

Bestest thing ever about having a 7 year old nephew...
I get to go to the cinema to watch all the new kids films without looking like a middle aged twat.

Mutant Ninja turtles rock!
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:24, 1 reply)

Average
Have you ever noticed, that every new parent will always tell you that their child is "slightly above average for his age" in one particular skill/ability.

Now this cant be true. Unless - and I've thought about this a lot - theres one extremely thick child somewhere to balance it all out.

Of course I'm no doubt that in about 7 months going to be saying exactly the same thing. "Yes, apparently he's slightly above average when it comes to blinking for his age".
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:10, 10 replies)

driving
I was visiting my 7 year old goddaughter and I was joining her and her family, inc grandparents, other families etc on a trip. We were all gathered round her dads car getting ready to leave, everyone loading their cars with picnics, children, toys etc and my little GDD jumped in the drivers seat to pretend that she was the driver.

Everyone sort of laughed and i said, "go on, show us all how daddy drives".

She grabs the steering wheel, her face contorts into sudden hatred and anger and she screams "gerroutofthefuckingwayyoufuckingtwatwhycantyoufuckinglookwhereyourefuckinggoingyoustupidcuntwhofuckingtaughtyoutodrivedidyouseethatfuckingidiotcutmeuplikethatillfuckingshowyouyoufuckingidiot"

,and then smiles, and happily kicking her little legs, toots the horn.

Never laughed so much in my life.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:07, 3 replies)

There is nothing more boring
when you have no kids than to listen to people blathering on about theirs.
I work in a school and the only story about kids is that theyre all a load of little shits including yours!
( SiX and his hat, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 9:02, 2 replies)

Telling kids jokes...
The SO got a telling off from her youngest's teacher for telling her this joke:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

So I got told off (damn kids are grasses)
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:50, 15 replies)

My Neice
Me and my brother used to play catch 'with' my neice. The enphasis over 'with' is because we would effectively throw her at each other and catch (to my sisters horror!)... my neice loved it...

One day, my brother went to catch, and my neices head whipped back and shattered his nose, my bro, feeling the rage one only feels when smashed in the face by a 5 year old, hand her to me, and wanders off to hold his breath, count to ten, and (presumably) clean the blood of his face, hands and shirt.... my neice giggled like a japanese school girl in a 'hello kitty' shop about this for a full hour and a half.

To this day whenever we have company, my neice (now 6), will merrily turn to my brother and ask if he remembers the day she broke his nose....

Length? We could get her across the room safely
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:46, Reply)

Repost (my first, go me!)
Ah the chaverati, dontcha just love 'em!
I was once in Puerto Plata airport departure lounge watching a couple who made Wayne and Waynetta Slob look like paragons of etiquette and decorum, he was manfully working his way through several beers (@7 A:M)and two hamburgers whilst she kept hauling her shell suit bottoms over her sweaty fat arse to cover the slag stamp on the small of her back whilst chain-smoking for England. Their male offspring (luckily only the one) was toddling about clad in a nappy, England shirt, both ears pierced and some of Lizzie Duke's finest goldette chains around both wrists and neck. The little drooling snot monster took a shine to my carry on luggage and, despite my moving several times continued to try to sit on it, god alone knows why.
The mother of this devil spawn eventually looked over and shouted "RAAAAMBO, LEAVE THAT GEEZER ALONE FOR FACK'S SAKE YOU TWAT".

Some people shouldn't be allowed out of Saaarfend.

They're allowed to vote too.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:41, 4 replies)

Explaining Death to Kids
Well about 2 years ago now My Grandfather died, He was a really nice man and he was suffering in a lot of pain the last twelve months so I am glad he found his peace.

Well we did not know how to tell my 5 year old neice at the time that Great Grand Pa was dead and we could not say nothing as we visit quite often.

So we sat her down and said that we would not see him any more and that he had died etc. I feel being honest is the best policy with kids..

Well a few hours passed of normal play and dinner and it came time to go home. We walked outside to put her in the car and she looked up at the sky and waved and said "Good Night Great Grand pa" And then turned round and said he is with Jesus.

I have to say we were all a little amazed / shocked and it even gave me a few tears in my eyes.

Kidz Ay !
(tfi049113 Was found alive on, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:35, Reply)

T'other weekend...
Was a typical Friday night...

~~~ wavy lines ~~~

I was in my favourite watering hole, trying my hardest to pickle my liver when I got a call from the SO.

"Can you babysite for a couple of hours? Sarah's over and we want to go to town..."
Being the perfect gentleman (i.e. mostly pissed), and thinking I'd get a great drunken shag at the end of the night, I said "OK".

Finished my pint and went round where all 3 of us attacked a bottle of vodka (responsible aren't I?). Was almost midnight before the other 2 drunkards wandered off into town.

At this point I had teh thirst so checked the fridge - nothing but Carling. Feck.

Checked the cupboards - ooh, half a bottle of tequila. I proceeded to sample this until the bottle was empty, then sat on the floor winding up the dogs and giggling to myself.

So the 2 ladies return - VERY much the worse for wear and we all decided it was a good time to go out and play on the trampoline.

Much bouncy fun was had until the children appeared informing us it was late, they couldn't sleep because we were making too much noise.

So there we were - 3 (alleged) adults being told off at 3am by a 6 year old.

We decided it was time for bed so off we went - I had to carry both of them upstairs under the watchful glare of 6 year old, then we proceeded to sit on the upstairs landing giggling as drunken idiots do until we got yet another telling off. At this point we decided the fun was over and went to our respective rooms.

The SO and me, safely locked in her room, turned on some good shagging music and proceeded to get down to drunken rampant monkey sex (is there any better?) complete with sound effects.

Wasn't until the next evening I got the story:

Turns out, the 6 year old in the morning had gone to her mum and said:

"I know your secret."
SO: "Huh?"
6YO: "I know your secret..."
SO: "Sit down and tell me then."
6YO: "Well, I think last night you had a disco in your room and someone got hurt - I heard them screaming...I think Paul was there too."

Well, i LOLed, then LOLed some more.

Oh, and last week, SO lost her new toy she'd been playing with on the couch - I was waiting for 6YO to find it - but it never happened. Said toy is now safe in the 'naughty bag™'

OK, it's a bit long...but you should see the girth *smirks*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:16, 4 replies)

Destructive kids
Both my kids were ok at first. Usual thing - cute, affectionate, good natured, everyone thought they were awesome. Then as time went on and they became bigger kids things changed a bit and they slowly started to become less cute and more destructive. I am sure we have all experienced this. In fact, if left unattended for 2 minutes they’d pretty much wreck my apartment. They just seemed to have the devil in them. It got so bad that after a while we had to leave them tied up, which is mean I know. I’m never having any more, that’s for sure. Made the best goat curry though.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 8:12, Reply)

Repost from the Vomit-QOTW, as if fits so nicely.
I really, really don't want to tell you this.
Why do you make me tell you this?

OK, I was at a new years party. The party was hosted by really adult people I didn't know, in a country I didn't live in. The hosts had children and things, and I was still (and still am) more in a "drinking is way fun" -period in my life.

At some moment during the evening I started feeling bad. I don't know if it was because of something I ate or something i drank or a combination of the two (I didn't think I was very drunk, but I might be mistaking here). Point is, I started to feel the urge to vomit really bad.

No prob, head discreetly towards the bathroom. Just one minor problem, there is someone in there already. Just another problem, you really are going to throw up in about 10 seconds so think really fast.

The best option seemed to be to vomit silently in the stairway, where the puke could easily be cleaned up. Said and done, open the door and let it rip.

After I had stopped convulsing, the one person I knew at the party came out to look for me and put on the lights. At this time I raised my head and realised that instead of the stairway of the house, I was in the kids' bedroom. With the kids sleeping in there. Oh, the embarrassment.

What can I say? If you are one of the children and you read this in the future - I really am horribly sorry and will be happy to pay for your therapy.
(janik, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 7:46, Reply)

A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kid a treat.
New fathers have it bad: no sleep, no nookie. But I was determined to get my wife back in the mood, getting pretty intimate with her one night, when our month-old started wailing.
"I'll deal with him," I offered manfully, going to his room and trying my usual trick, which was to pick him up and let him suck one of my fingers. It seemed to work better than usual, the little guy slurping with relish, and moving on from my index to ring finger with gusto. It was then that I realised that the flavour he so enjoyed may be related to the fact that I hadn't washed my hands...
And that is how my month-old son supped on his mother's pussy juice.
(mzungu, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 7:36, 8 replies)

Glastonbury
.
I was at Glastonbury a few years back when I saw a little hippie kid, about two years old, wearing an ace t-shirt.

POO POO HAPPENS!!

Made me giggle all day.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 7:25, 1 reply)

Kids
When my brother's daughter was about 2 she had this habit of copying what people did. I decided during a family sunday lunch that I could have fun with this.

I started by waving at her, she waved back.
'Awww' thought everyone, uncle bluetuba is being nice.

I then made a paddling motion with my hands, my neice did the same. This had everyone wondering what I was plotting.

It wasn't till I rubbed my hands all over my face and hair that someone realised that I hadn't just paddled my hands in my dinner and I wasn't wearing said dinner.

I think I have now forgiven her for being born 2 days before my 21st and ruining any chances of presents.
(bluetuba has a special friend in Blue Label Smirnoff, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 7:07, Reply)

My baby story
My mom loved children and wanted one for many years. Lo and Behold, she became pregnant with yours truly, and 9 months later, little Keylynn came into this world.
According to mom, I was a good child, until I hit two years of age. I then proceeded to bite my mother every chance I got. Hard.
I was literally an ankle biter! But only with my mom.
One day I bit her over the edge. After sinking my little teeth into her, she got fed up and just smacked me on my diaper covered bottom . I crawled off and never bit her again.
(Keylynn managed to steal 53 pineapples from a goat farmer, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 5:53, Reply)

A bit Off Topic
I just want to tell my fellow b3tans that my wife and i our expecting are first baby in July. I am absolutley shitting myself. Does any body have any tips? Is it also true that you cant smell your own babies poo? I cant do Poo.


Ill get my coat
(The Sitmpwa, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 5:06, 12 replies)

From the mouths of babes.....
A mate Pete, was recently telling me this story...:

He had driven down to the local supermarket with his then four year old and was on the lookout for somwhere to park. He spies a spot on the right, outside the front door. Blinker on ready to turn in and another car heads up the other way coming across his path. Naturally, he waits to let the car pass but the cheeky bugger nips in and steals the spot. Pete has no choice here but to motor on.... after honking his horn and shaking his head in annoyance. Finds a spot not too much further away, so parks, dad and lad step out of the car and head toward the store only to find Mr Car Bay Hijacker coming the other way. Pete thinks "Right, he's in for it now" only to remember the four year old holding his hand, so he had better show a little restraint.

As it happens, Mr CBH spots Pete as they cross paths and says, "Sorry mate, didn't realise you were pulling in". Before Pete gets a word out, four year old calls out, "Fucking Wanker".

Getting my breath back after snorting beer through my nose I ask Pete, "What did YOU say at that"...

Pete's response was, "Well, nothing... the kid was right."

(as for length.... I am sure it was a match to his four year old balls. Which would have been HUGE when saying that..!)
(Sir Jester, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 4:59, Reply)

An oddly appropriate T-shirt for this week's question
While checking email and viewing the new T-shirts available on a lovely site, I saw this:

www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=1048

Perfect timing.....
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 4:37, 2 replies)

sweary toddlers
my cousin's little boy is 2 years old and just learning to talk. unfortunately, his mother has an impressive vocabulary, especially when she's annoyed. little sean-for that is baby's name-is usually looked after by his grandmother during the day, as both of his parents work. i was paying a visit last week and, as i was talking to my aunt(sean's grandma), she motioned me to be quiet and watch little sean. he had managed to cover his hands in something sticky and was attempting to pull bits of fluff off his fingers. we watched him, smiling, until he muttered the immortal words: "oh, for fuck's sake" and wiped his hands on his pants.
i have never heard my aunt laugh so loudly in my life.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 3:05, 2 replies)