my friend jo
had a dinner party last christmas. 16 of us were invited, including her. knowing jo has her own time (and her own planet for most of that), i turned up at 8 instead of 7.

only to find 14 pissed off friends freezing on the doorstep.

she was late for her OWN PARTY!!

she arrived 2 mins after me, panting and asking if we'd been waiting long. i said that i had only just arrived so i was fine. then my friend tab spoke up drily:

"i was naive. i was here early."

great night but god, if i had been cooking for 16 people i'd have been panicking about it for weeks. gotta admire her laidbackness really. anyway, her excuse?

"there was a party down the road i thought i should check out first..."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:35, Reply)

Floods!
No not recently, but about 7 or so years ago I was on my Year In Industry working at National Grid in Leatherhead (most joyous town of excitement and er joy - not. Seriously if you go to Leatherhead take a cricket bat and scalpel so you can perform an auto-labotomy, it is the most heinously god awful and boring place on the surface of this planet.). Another YII chap worked at the same place and lived near my home so he drove up from Winch every Monday morning and back every Friday night and I hitched a ride for beer money etc.

Anyway this was at the time of year when the really really bad floods hits. We were going up the M3 to join the M25 and the traffic stopped. No great shakes, turned on the radio thinking oh well be an hour or so late.

Luckily we had provisions in the car, it was clear that other people in cars around us didnt.

Up comes the announcement "The M25 is shut between J13 and J9". Bascically we were at J9 and needed to get to J13 (if I remember rightly the junction numbers). Fucksocks.

So we detour through Sunbury, Kingston on Thames and Chessington way, which is where the entire traffic volume of Monday morning M3 rush hour cars are going too.

We had a lovely view of some towns as we pootled through at considerably less than walking pace, luckily with the Radio (Radio 1 before it turned to shit) and food for sustenance. Usually M3 to sitting at the desk at work took maybe 25 minutes.

6 and a half hours later I stroll into work and sit down, the boss raises an eyebrow and asks why Im so late.

"Floods on the M25". He gives a knowing nod and says, well you're so late you might as well go home.

"Cheers Boss!" *waves as he disappears out the door. :D winner!


A side note I am often late for most things and both my parents are the same. We try and fit too much in to whatever time we have and as a result 9 times out of 10 end up being late or arriving by the skin of our teeth. I 100% genuinely truly meant to be early, I just have some neurological condition that prevents me from actually being early, unless the missus is involved in which case she is usually enough force to get me there on time. So this a big fuck off to those people who made comments about late people being lazy and just can't be bothered to turn up early. I really do try it just never happens. I am lazy but that's not why Im always late.
(Stanlington Jobsworthy Smythe Last skived off work on, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:29, Reply)

Fun at the cinema
I used to work in a sizeable cinema in Bumwharf, Pompey. One memorable shift was due to start at 5:00pm. At about 5:30 my manager phoned me which woke me up.

Manager "Gareth, are you coming to work today?"
Gareth *Looks at bedside clock* "FUCK!"
M "Were you asleep?"
G "FUCK!"
M *Starts laughing* "Will you be in about half an hour?"
G "45 minutes."

Apparently that brightened up her day.

Length? About a mile and a half, hence the 45 mins.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:22, Reply)

It's er, my day off again, really!
I used to work for a big corporate company that had lots of ingenious and long winded processes for doing the most simple things - so when you wanted a day off work for example, you filled in an Annual Leave Request (ALR) form and internal mailed it to the HR department who would then rubber stamp it and send it back to you...

So when after a heavy night on the tiles I decided I couldn’t face going in to work I decided to front it out and just lie like fuck to my boss:

Boss: Arola, what’s going on mate it’s quarter to 10!?
Me: What!? I’m in bed – it’s my day off, I booked it off last week, ya bastard!
Boss: Oh, shit sorry I forgot! I didn’t wake you did I, ha ha ha!
Me: Ha ha ha, don’t worry about it I have got lot’s to do today anyway, I’ll see you on Monday. . .
Boss: Right-o, see you Monday!

This led to further abuse of the system whereby in one financial year I managed to take nearly 40 days annual leave and I still had too many left and was “forced” to take the remaining days before the year ended!!!

Great days!

Length jokes are shit
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:11, Reply)

Smurf Abuse
We had a book at school which you had to complete if you were late, stating the reason for lateness. My favourite, which my mate completed with a straight face and which was never commented on, was "Met a smurf".

A guy I used to work with was often late. One day, he turned up three hours late. When asked why, he explained "There were signalling problems...".

"Oh, OK", says my boss.

"Yes, signalling problems in the alarm clock area".

Tosser.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:06, Reply)

One time I was flying to the US...
Having flown a few times before I (in my wisdom) decided I didn't need to be there 2 hours early to checkin so I got there with 45 minutes to go...on the very day some stupid pilots had decided to strike - Gatwick airport was in chaos - queues going EVERYWHERE. When I finally got to a desk, I was politely informed I'd missed my flight but they'd put me on the next day. Fine I thought, they gave me some food vouchers so I figured I'd slum it at the airport rather than go all the way back to Cambridge.

Oh, I realise now. Every 15 minutes you get the warning not to leave your bags etc., etc. the novelty of people watching wore off after about an hour, the food was crap, the beer expensive...I even started smoking again for something to do.

And, to make things worse - when I finally got to the Houston, they decided I was working illegally and wasn't getting in, so I was detained overnight in an immigration cell and put back on the next flight. The flight back was slightly amusing though - I was escorted onto the plane from airside, not through the airport. As they were still cleaning the plane, I was taken back down the walkway to the departure lounge. The look on the waiting passengers faces when I appeared next to this huge immigration officer was classic - they didn;t know whether I was someoen famous (yeah right), or America's most (un)wanted - I had the back quarter of a B747 to myself. Oh, and when the chief steward gave me my passport back when we were 15 minutes out from Gatwick, it increased their nervousness...

Length? *smirks*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Working for a big finance company in my Gap year...
And was on my way back from a very heavy evening out followed by a night of drunken sex with one of his housemates, phoned up work and my befuddled hungover brain decided that the best reason to give for my lateness was:

"Sorry I'm going to be a bit late, my housemate has disappeared and I'm just looking for him"

Ridiculous.
(artificialhero, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:46, Reply)

tardy
urban myth probably:

4 students decide to go away the weekend before they all have an important medical exam on the monday. Waking up very hungover on the other side of the country on the monday morning they realise that there is no chance whatsoever of making it home that day, never mind in time for the exam. Phoning the professor, one of them explains that they have had a flat tyre with no spare and are still many hundreds of miles away and have been stuck all night.....could they possibly all take the exam tomorrow.. purlease!

The professor grudgingly allows it and they all duly turn up the next morning after driving all day to get back.

As the exam room is unavailable, they are seated in 4 separate offices, alone and no chance of contact between them. The exam is delivered to them and they start. The front page states that the exam consists of 2 questions, the first worth 10%, and the 2nd, worth 90%. With relief, they all handle question 1 with ease, it being on a topic they had all studied comfortably.

Question 2 was "Which tyre?"
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:44, Reply)

One of our lab clocks
is gaining about 20 minutes a day at the moment. I reset it on Wednesday, and as I write this at 11:40, it says 12:20. So that's my excuse for going home early today sorted out!

It's a quartz clock - there's some strange physics going on in there!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Red face
I phoned in one morning:
"Sorry folks, I'm gonna be late - I've locked myself in my porch and need to wait for the locksmith" (Classic)

Of course, he took all day to arrive...

I got seen walking up the road laughing with a crate of beer on my shoulder.

I went in the next morning completely sunburned and smelling of booze and bonfire.

I got sacked.
The end.
(wrigglesworth, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Honesty IS best...
Most Mondays I'm so hungover my boss now NEVER expects me in...

This week I made it though - then texted him Tuesday saying if I wasn't REALLY needed, could I stay home and get loadsa rampant sex instead.

Oh, AND I get paid for all this...
( snee held his breath since, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:39, Reply)

Greek time
During my time in Greece, I learned that lateness does not exist as a concept because punctality does not exist as a concept. It was impossible to arrange any kind of meeting - people would get edgy and nervous if you mentioned a specific time - as if agreeing to a time represented a blood oath or deal with the devil.

I once agreed to play pool with a Greek guy. He said he would pick me up in the town square at 7.00 and we would drive to the pool hall. I waited for two and ahalf hours in the rain before he turned up, and then he drove perhaps 20 metres to the pool place. My anger was a matter of amazement to him. Presumably, he expected me to add a couple of hours on to his time.

In Greece, even the TV news does not start on time. Films can be an hour later than in the listings (why bother with listings?) I have been to cinemas and theatres and seen people turn up over an hour into the performance. And yet the buses are virtually Swiss in their punctuality.
(frankspencer, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:30, Reply)

The best trick isn't being late
... it's going in on time, and having the day off afterwards.

In a previous job I used to turn up on time, hang my coat on my chair, start my PC and using Outlook schedule a meeting somewhere. Then bugger off for the rest of the day.

I'd go to the cinema, go and work on my car, etc etc. Then at 5-10 mins before the end of the day I'd go back to my desk to answer any emails and shutdown my pc.

So long as anytime you're seen you're clutching a notebook with lots of bits of paper hanging out of it and look flustered nobody will ever question it.

I reckon I actually worked about 2-3 hours per week for 6 months like that before I quit and went backpacking round South Africa and Australia for a year.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:22, Reply)

Living down under
Whilst in Sydney I had a great fun job delivering booze, but it didn't pay the rent so I quit and got a better paid office job. I had a couple of days off so went out on the tiles big style, finally making it to bed about 6am.

My booze delivery job normally started at 7am so 7:10am on Monday I got a call from my ex-boss asking where I was and why wasn't I at work etc.

Still fairly smashed I was rather confused as to what was going on... so uttered the immortal words "'cos I don't fucking work there anymore!" and hung up.

About 4 weeks later I walked past the place and had a nice chat with ex boss in the afternoon. It obviously confused him as the next morning he was again confused why I hadn't shown up for work...

He was a big fat Fijian fella called "Tui" who quite frankly would have scared off the New Zealand All blacks, but he wasn't the sharpest of tools though, hence why he'd spent 20 years delivering beer I suppose.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:10, Reply)

Sonic broom
is quite right. While I'm not claiming to never be late, it annoys me that I have never not made it to work because of weather reasons, despite having a 20 mile drive on rural roads every morning.

On many a snowy day I've made it in to work, yet half of the staff who live in Dundee itself haven't bothered because it was snowing and the bus service was limited or something. They could fucking walk!

Hmm, I seem to be ranting a lot these days. Must be getting old.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:05, Reply)

My neighbours
were jetting off to Florida to get married just a week or two ago...

So being the cautious types they call the Virgin holidays wedding co-ordinator to check everything was ok for the following day....

the reply..."Err, why aren't you on the plane now?"

Turns out they were a day late for their holiday/wedding and ended up forking out a few thousand for replacement tickets for themselves plus wedding guests. Ooops.

The excuse... "well it says tomorrow in my diary...".
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 11:00, Reply)

Always double check your exam dates
A trainee accountant I know of was running late for an ACCA exam, they last for 3 hours and they still let you in within the first hour so she decided to turn up anyway.

When she got to the exam centre the place was empty, so she checked her exam docket and surprise-surprise, the exam had been on the previous day.

I just love the fact that she was 25 hours late for an exam, it sounds like something Homer would say, "Gotta run, i'm 25 hours late for an exam!"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:55, Reply)

Aeroplane lateness
A little cautionary tale, for those who are tempted by the low prices on budget airlines.

A few years back I and some mates went to the Austrian Grand Prix. As we wanted to do a bit of touring as well (and also because it was cheaper than flying to Austria and hiring a car there!), we booked a flight from Edinburgh to Munich, via Stansted, with EasyJet and had a hire car booked in Munich.

So the two of us who were leaving from Edinburgh turned up and checked in, only to discover our Stansted flight had been cancelled. We were to be meeting the other two at Stansted for the onward journey.

So off we went to the customer services desk:

EasyJet Customer Services Woman - "We've booked you on the next flight"

K2k6 - "But we've a connection to make at Stansted".

EJCSW - "Well, you should have made sure you had enough time to get it".

K2k6 - "We did, but you've cancelled our flight".

EJCSW - "Ah, but our responsibility's only to get you to Stansted, and we're doing that".

K2k6 - "But it's an EasyJet flight all the way".

EJCSW - "Yes, but it's two separate journeys as far as we're concerned, and it's your responsibility to check in on time".

K2k6 - "!"

WTF? It appears that despite the two flights being with the same airline, they were treated entirely separately.

In the end, we did make the connection, but only by barging our way off the aircraft, running full-pelt through Stansted airport and (almost politely) jumping the check-in queue. Our mates, who at that time didn't have mobiles, were somewhat concerned until two red faced, wheezing Scottish blokes appeared, somewhat flustered, just as the boarding call was being announced.

I don't fly by EasyJet much now, unless I have a pressing need to go to Stansted or Luton, which thankfully isn't often!

Length 39.5m. Wingspan 34.3m.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:54, Reply)

I'm with FrankSpencer and Mr M@ on this one
I know a few people who are habitually late for pretty much everything and the sole reason in nearly all cases is they simply can't be arsed to make sure they arrive on time. I guess they just don't view punctuality as particularly important - even if they're meeting someone in the pub, who then has to stare into a pint for an hour.

Obviously things are different when you're late due to circumstances outside of your control (e.g. accident causing traffic jam) but when you're late because of nothing other than shit time-keeping skills and complacency then I think people have a right to be pissed off!
(d371ght back again since, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:54, Reply)

Remember that snow we had a while back?
The snow that was a couple of inches thick if that.

Well, the protagonist of this story lives about ten minutes closer to work than I do, yet is consistently later that me so we've had a bevvy of excuses.

During the snow however, she was over two and ahalf hours late, while I'd managed to get in early. The reason?

"There was a snowdrift and I had to help dig out my mum's car."
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:40, Reply)

A friend of mine
Who is a girl working in an almost exclusively male industry was late into work by a matter of a day and a half.

When asked by her boss (male) why she'sd not been at work for a day and a half she didn't even draw breath to announce...

"Abnormal discharge"

Apparently her boss couldn't even look at her straight for a couple of days.

Real reason: She'd decided to extend a weekend ski trip (she's loaded).
(tdavidj, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:26, Reply)

how the other half lives
got head hunted the other day. decided not to go for the interview because i am v happy in my firm and because i couldn't realistically see how i was going to make an excuse to get all the way into the city from uxbridge and back without wasting annual leave or being really really late for work.

so i was relating this dilemma at the pub and my friend steve who's an investment banker said, "yeah i know exactly what you mean. the other day i had an interview in new york but i didn't want my boss to know so i had to pretend to him i was in zurich and set all my emails and clocks and phone calls 3 hours early."

oh yeah, that's exactly the same. i can see that this is very irrelevant, but felt the need to rant really.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 10:06, Reply)

late for a date....
after a, ahem, slash, I'd caught teh old man on me zip and in conversation with the quack had sed it was getting tight anyways, so, they whipped me in teh hosp. and whipped off the fiveskin....
I woke up later that day after teh operation and needed a piss & as they'd used a spine block me bladder had swollen like blue balls on a bull, I waddled to the bog only to see my reflection in the full length mirror, oh for a camera!!! the old man was twice as fat and forget the babys arm holding an apple this was a bell end like a comice pear!!! (only bruised black and blue naturellement)
er, i digress: I'd forgotten I was meeting Carol, who had arrived at my gaff-me not in, so, harassed mates-they no telling and in some neurotic trance had rung the local hospitals & turned up with a pressie of sheepskin gloves......tho' I still couldn't hump her or anything else for that matter for about a week.


Those sheepskin gloves? soft as yer mums puss.
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 9:56, Reply)

before i came to this job
i phone up my work at 8 am to leave a message as i knew no one would be in til 8.30, the croaky message said i'd been up all night being sick, in reality the evening before i'd driven across the country to attend a job interview the next day, i got offered the job the same day and accepted, and then drove back across the country to go to work the following day.

the next day everyone was all 'how are you?' and 'are you feeling better?', but i think they might have sussed me when the following day i handed my notice in.
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 9:39, Reply)

I have plenty
Being the lazy bastard that I am.
I was late every single day without fail for nearly a year at a past job. Anywhere from 15 minutes, to 2 hours. And my excuse everytime?
"Traffic"
After a while they stopped asking. It still amazes me that i actually had to resign to find myself out of that job. Brilliant.


I also had a habbit of calling in drunk as a skunk, and slurring incoherantly over the background music,
apparently trying to explain that I think i have the flu and probably wont make it in tomorrow.
Come to think of it, i really miss that job. Good pay too
( cupz, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 9:26, Reply)

...
Many years ago I was duped into becoming a recruitment consultant, exactly the career to inspire hatred in yourself but more so for your colleagues. Bunch of cunts the lot of em. Anyway I digress, at said job after about eight months I became increasingly despondent and would do almost anything to avoid work or going to work, notably drinking my body weight in alcohol each night. So the excuses for being late became ever more elaborate but one which sticks in my mind which (sadly not my own idea) was to phone up and say I couldn't come into work as I had chronic masturbation problem and could no longer get out of bed before I'd had at least three wanks.

Think i lasted about another week being employed in recruitment before i called the director a cnut and went back to Uni.
(i anglepoise, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 8:51, Reply)

The early man...
When I was training as a teacher, I was always first person in. This ran out to mean that if people were off sick they'd text me and email me their work.

One sunny Tuesday morning, I receive a MMS from Tom, another NQT.

On it, is a picture of a very fine, very naked woman, in what can only vbe descibed as a post sex doze.

It just said "I can't come in today, because I'd rather come in this..."
(gjb006, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 8:45, Reply)

...
i'm gay
(kalimah, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 8:37, Reply)

Late Wank Shocker
While I was a wee young sprite at school, we would have this french teacher that nobody would like and would regulary turn up late and mentaly abuse this man (and my class helped him get the job, so I can't help but feel responsible) Anyway, we turn up for his lesson vaugley on time but alas, my friend doesn't. 10 minutes later he comes in and the teacher questions him
Teacher "Where have you been"
Student "Yeah, I've been in the toliet having a wank sir"
*stunned silences all around*
Needless to say, he never lived that one down
(Runningwithsporks Something something darkside, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 8:30, Reply)