Please clarify a technical term.
Pathological liar.
Is that when the speaker actually believes everything they are saying, or is that just a symptom?

No apologies for lack of humour (where would I start? Or stop?).

EDIT: What, no answers? I thought some of you were Doctors and Brain Surgeons and Psychiatrists with double-degrees and all.
( Farmer Geddon - is on his way., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:26, 2 replies)

liar liar, your bums on fire
Two stories.

First was way back in the late 70s when I was in the scouts. We had been tasked with putting up the marquee for the local summer fete. if anyone knows Northolt Village Community centre in West London then they will know that it has a miniature railway running around the perimeter. We had a "helper" called Graham who was a bullshitter of the highest order. When it was mentioned that we were to put up the marquee, he chipped in (in typical fashion) that he would take charge as he used to do this for a living. WTF thunk 20 or so scouts. So we let him. It was not a smooth operation, and in the course of the erection, he left a guy line draped across the track which derailed a model steam train, the owner of which uttered the immortal line

"you bent my smoke deflector!"

After that incident, every ridiculous claim that Graham made was met with howls of laughter and much quoting of "You bent my smoke deflector". Graham didn't last long after that.

Second story
During the 90s I worked at Reuters in field engineering. One of the supervisors was a renowned bullshitter who claimed to be able to come into his own bladder. Not so much "to his face" laughter but plenty of sniggering behind his back.

That is all.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:16, 4 replies)

I'm sorry to admit...
I don't actually have a friend called Pain.

I apologise.

Regards,
Mr T
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:15, 2 replies)

Oh For Fucks Sake
.
.

This QOTW week is for me, isn't it?

Fuck off.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:05, 5 replies)

I have a similar 'Mythical Jaguar' story.
I went to college with a bloke called Michael, who looked a bit like Michael Jackson before he was white.

He was absolutely adamant that he had an X-type Jag which daddy had bought for him, but nobody ever saw this Jag, and he used to come to college on a push-bike. He also used to say he had a part-time job which paid £25k a year, but he would never tell anybody what this job involved.

Only problem is, I happened to know that he couldn't drive. He may have a Jag for all I know, but we never saw it, and I seem to remember his family was very poor indeed.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:02, 7 replies)

Chocolate-dipped sausages
No, not like that...

A vague relation of mine is something of an hilaaaaarious practical joker. Once, when staying with relatives, he told their young children that his favourite breakfast dish was sausages dipped in melted chocolate. The kids told their parents, who spotted a petard fit for hoisting.

Hence at breakfast the following morning...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:59, 2 replies)

PIPEX ARE A BUNCH OF LYING TWUNTS
EVERY fucking time you ring Pipex (hope they all die of ALS with no medication( you get the same LIE.
"We have been advised that there is maintenance work being carried out in your area which may cause your phone line/broadband to drop its connection for up to three hours, If you have experienced a problem for over three hours, please ho;d for an advisor" or some such bollocks.
I once rang them from my local exchange (a mate works there, cheers Jamie!) and got the same bullshit. Once I had escalated my complaint to some Johhny no-stars "supervisor" who tried to tell me the same bollocks, I passed the phone to Jamie. He informed them that, as the senior engineer in the area, he was amazed he had had no notification of such a fault and who could they say had told them about it?







I now have a direct line to the customer services at Pipex.





They're still cunts though.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:57, 5 replies)

back when i was in primary school
we knew a lad who used to go on about how his dad drove a really posh jaguar, you could tell just by looking at him that he was anything but posh but he lived in a different village to the rest of us so we couldn't be sure if it was the truth (there was a bus laid on to and from the school for everyone outside out village). one day one of my friends goes round his house after school the next day he told us all about his dads jag, it was a rusty old thing on bricks in his back garden that hadn't run in years. cue us taking the piss about his dads 'flying jag' all the way from primary school to GCSE

a couple of years back a mate of mine got a job in a warehouse over the summer while he was at uni and who else works there but this same guy. everyone in the warehouse became aware of the magical flying jag and the first time someone said anything about it to this guys face he stormed off and didn't turn up again for a few days

anyway he was a knob back in school and he is probably a knob now
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:56, Reply)

If music be the food of love...
Back in my student (and, come to think of it, school) days, I worked part time in a kitchen, doing general jobs. Nothing strenuous at first, washing dishes, prepping vegetables, that sort of thing. We had a chef who did most of the cooking, until one day when she walked out in a strop, and I got shunted into cooking duties. Which, considering I’d never cooked properly before, was a bit of a reputational risk for the bistro concerned. Not to worry, I took over for a couple of weeks, until a new chef could be employed, and all was fine and dandy. Nobody died, nobody took ill. I was proud of my achievements, and I still enjoy cooking to this day.

Anyway, a new chef was appointed, and as the Bistro was desperate they didn’t bother waiting for references to come through. He interviewed well, and seemed to have plenty of experience. I don’t know why, but there was something about him I just didn’t like. But, being the type of person who will get on with people that I have to work with (why make life difficult when you’re stuck in the same environment with someone for several hours), I got on with my job, and he got on with his. We engaged in polite conversation, chatting about music, films, drinking exploits etc. However, his exploits were always just a tad on the unbelievable side, of the 20 pints, 3 fights and six shags a night variety. There was a rabbit off somewhere, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Oh, and much as I wasn’t an expert, I didn’t rate his abilities as a chef at all – everything he cooked was bland and utterly devoid of texture or taste.

One day the conversation came round to festivals.

“Yeah, I went to the Reading festival last year”, I piped up. “Fantastic time, good bands, never drunk so much or been so knackered. Mind you, New Order were one of the headliners. Much as I like New Order, they were absolutely terrible. Sound was awful, Bernie Sumners can’t sing live, and they were just the most boring band in the world to watch live. Very disappointed”.

Chef shakes his head in disbelief, muttering something about how he loved New Order but would seriously reconsider going to see them live if given the chance.

A couple of weeks later, the conversation came back round to music and gigs in particular. I’m recounting various bands I’ve been to see, some well established (Depeche Mode, The Cure, Primitives), some less so (Danielle Dax, Mudhoney, Pop Will Eat Itself, Fugazi, Young Gods) and so on. (Fugazi actually stayed in my flat after the gig as I flat-shared with the bass player in one of their support acts – true fact!) Chef is equally recounting some of the bands he’s been to see.

And then he came out with it. The sentence that exposed him as a pathological liar: “I was really disappointed with New Order”, he offered, “I saw them last year. Couldn’t sing, sound was awful, and soooo boring to watch on stage. Wouldn’t go to see them again if you paid me”.

I couldn’t believe it. Not only had he confirmed himself to be a pathological liar*, but he was feeding me a tale that I had recounted to him a couple of weeks earlier and trying to pass it off as personal experience. Just how stupid was he?

A week later he was sacked. His references had come through. Turned out he had been to catering college, but had been chucked out for being way below standard and fired from every job he’d had since for being the catering equivalent of anal warts, i.e. a pain in the arse and unwelcome everywhere.

(Apologies for the tenuous link between title and content).

*Edit: I'd like to think that I'd painted such a detailed picture of how utterly shite New Order were that it made him believe he had actually been there. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that he was just a borderline fantasist, lying twunt.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:53, 6 replies)

A dear friend of mine
Lies through his teeth.

He doesn't do it for personal gain, and is not malicous about it, he just makes stories more interesting. Compulsively.

The most intriguing thing about him is that everybody believes him when he's telling them lies, no matter how unlikely they are. It doesn't last, as soon as you get up to go to the bar you'll twig it was bollocks, but while he's actually talking you belive it implicitly. It's magical and makes for some lovely nights out.

example:

While working in the Merchant navy he (and his shipmates) stole a fire engine in Turkey, crashed it into a bar, got drunk with the bar manager who saw the funny side, were caught up in the crossfire when the local mafia (who used the bar) had a gun fight with pirates, and escaped, leaving the fire engine next to a ship other than their own and got away scott free. Except Tom, who got shot twice and killed 2 pirates in the fight and is now officially a 'friend' of the turkish mafia, which means the UK intelligence services keep trying to recruit him...

later on I learned the real story:
Merchant navy - true
Turkey - true
Nicked fire engine - true
left it next to a different ship to avoid trouble - true
all the rest - grade A fertiliser.

M.

p.s. I had a go at him for nicking an emergency vehicle. Twunt.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:48, Reply)

my grandma
bit of a silly old woman, who reckons thatcher should be deified, tells some amazing lies.

the best was one christmas, when she was staying with our family.
the dogs had dodgy tummies, and so kept shitting everywhere, so were confined to the hall outside the shower room/toilet. Grandma (AKA Atilla the mum) went to the bog during the night.

We found this out due to the shitty footprints from the hall to the toilet, back from the toilet to the hall, and then from the hall to the room she was sleeping in. plus the liberal coating of drying dog shit on the bottom of her slippers.

But Atilla denied all this. she claimed that she didn't leave her room at any point during the night, so how could we evn suggest such a thing. Dad said 'ok then, did one of the dogs back up to your slipper, coil one off, then take your slipper and walk around the house with it on one paw, before returning it to you?'
She said yes, it was the only explanation.

We're looking forward to christmas with her this year, with 2 new puppies in the house...
( ascorbate, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:42, 1 reply)

One halloween...
Whilst at uni, we decided to head to the pub to watch the footy.

A couple of pints turned to 4, 5 then 6. We decided to celebrate this magical night (and commiserate for appalling results) by venturing out to one of the seedier student clubs.

After a quick stop at Woolies to pick up four matching sets of their cheapest, 7-10 year old wizard/witch costumes, we were ready!

Finally getting to the place, plenty more drinking ensued. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted an ageing man dressed as a vampire who looked remarkably like Mr. Terry McDermott (ex Livershite & Newcastle player).

In my drink-addled state, I wandered over to him;

Me: "No way, you're Terry McDermottt!"
TM: "Hmph, what? Oh. Yeah course!"
Me: "Oh my god, remember me?"
TM: "Bleurtt, yeh I remember you, Alan's son! I used to watch you play football when you were young - how did you never make it?"
Me: "You're not really Terry McDermott are you?
TM: "I'm going to be sick."

And with that he was gone, off to the toilets to chuck his guts up. The only man who thought I was good at football...
(gin'll fix it, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:41, Reply)

School Lies
When is was in the later years of school, I had a serious problem with truanting. Serious as in if I went to one lesson once a week it would be a bloody miracle.

Obviously this could only go on so long before the school noticed. After a few months I got called in by the head of year. Now I have always been a liar when I come under pressure, but I even surprised myself with what I came out with.

Cancer. I said I had testicular cancer and was spending most of the time at the hospital, but I had been given the all clear now, since it had been caught early. I said I hadn't told my parents since I was too embarressed, and I would prefer to keep it that way. My teacher seemed to fall for it (I've always had a knack with blagging teachers,) and no mention was made to my parents. "I'll start being in school from now on" I told myself.

Of course this didn't happen, so after another month or so I get called in again to ask why I still had an attendance of below 30%. I asked whether this could be kept private, as it was regarding an ex-pupil of the school. I said my best mate had become a coke-addict and I was desperately trying to get him off the stuff by spending most of my time with him, stopping him from buying the charlie. I got away with this, even being praised for caring so much about my mate...

My parents didn't have a clue I missed so much school until they finally saw an end of year report saying how I'd missed pretty much every lesson for two years. There was no blag for that one.
( Risk It For A Biscuit has a helicopter and lives in space, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:38, Reply)

That story about the dog
..on the last QOTW?

All lies.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:36, Reply)

my dad's colleague claimed...
...that he served in Vietnam. When reminded that the Brits didn't get involved in Vietnam, he claimed that he'd been drafted by the Australians, on account of his time in the SAS... his SAS training also came in handy when one weekend he claimed to have fallen off the roof of his house, fifty feet to the ground and emerged unscathed. "Well, they teach you how to land in the SAS, parachutes and that, y'know..."
(numbbum, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:36, 2 replies)

My alter-ego is piston_broke*
I claim to have had sex.



*I'd like to make it clear that I am not a 2nd account, I AM A HUMAN BEING.
( WHARRGARBL, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Legionnaires! Verité, s'il vous plaît!
I have a friend who claims to have spent two stints in the French Foreign Legion. I don't know him all that well, but it is sort of plausible.

Besides, as lies go, that does take some, erm, ballons. So it's either true, or his worked out a tremendofantabulous double-bluff.

I'm genuinely unsure whether I believe him or not.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:34, 2 replies)

A QOTW classic from Piston Broke
www.b3ta.com/questions/toldoff/post90535

"I don't think I've ever been made to feel like a child as an adult"

"Mainly because I don't take shit- at all. When I was 18, and out in Denmark learning about cults, me and some friends were sat down in our room, just chilling out, doing whatever it is we do. Sooner or later this Danish woman barged into the room, without so much as a knock. That was her first mistake. Then, she proceeded to shout, rant and rave at us like one of the parents to be found on Supernanny when trying to deal with their errant little angels. This was her second mistake. Her third mistake was shouting at me. She ordered me to stand up, which I did. And then I stood and looked at her in much the same way as you look at something you peel of the sole of your boot. Her fourth mistake was to let that get to her, which made her shout more. Which just gave me the giggles- there is nothing more emasculating than being laughed at when you're trying to castigate someone. So, from there, I just sat down again and completely ignored her. Who would have thought that two simple actions had an enraged Danish woman (who had a face like a smacked arse and a figure so fat that obese would be a polite description) leave the room in tears..."
(PsychoChomp, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:32, 6 replies)

I had sex with Piston Broke's mum.
That was my first mistake.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:30, 1 reply)

I managed to convince someone I work with
that I am a social failure with no friends in the real world, dosed up on anti-depressants with only an internet message board for company in the long cold silent evenings.
How we laughed, for, in fact, I am a really popular womaniser and, as my grandfather was Spike Milligan, I have dined on many occassions with Ronnie Corbett.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:30, 3 replies)

Just a bit of fun
I used to have a couple of girlfriends who I would go out on the lash with and we would pretend to be different people. My best attempt was pretending to be a German folk singer. Not easy when your pissed, I can tell you.

Dont know If I've posted this before and can't be arsed to check but one of the girls chatted up this guy while pretending to be American. They kept seeing each other and after a while she got fed up of pretending to be American all the time so she just came right out and told him the truth. He was very matter of fact about it and told her he didn't mind as she was a great lay.
( girlinthehole, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:26, 2 replies)

Mark the bullshitter
Back in college, one of my extended circle of drinking buddies was a noted bullshitter.

He claimed that he lived in a stately home. It turned out that he cleaned the toilets at Bracknell's South Hill Park at the weekends "but only because I like meeting the common people".

His finest hour came whilst chatting up a girl in a pub. Flagging from the sheer wall of bullshit coming from his mouth she finally told him she wasn't interested.

"I can't go out with you. I live in Scotland."

"That's no problem. I'll fly up to see you in my helicopter."

His helicopter was, in reality, a clapped out moped, which he "flew" up to Scotland one Saturday to visit her unannounced.

She wasn't in.

Of course, claiming that you are some sort of secret agent licenced to carry a Walther PPK for "self defence" is not a great thing to do. Especially when you get it out in public to find yourself stomped on by the entire Thames Valley Police Armed Response Unit, who are incredibly pissed off to find it is, in fact, a cap gun.

Length? Three months, suspended.

Full 12-inch remix version: IT IS HERE.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Doorman
One of the people who worked on the door at the theatre that used to employ me was... um... something of a simple soul - but he had an impressive fantasy life.

Consider, for example, his four degrees. All of them were from Leek University. (For those who don't know, Leek is a small town in the Staffordshire moorlands, the only claim to fame of which is the Britannia Building Society and an antiques market.)

One of his degrees is in woodwork.

Another is in cookery. To demonstrate his culinal skills, he once told us one of his recipies. The whole dish consisted of a pint of double cream, three eggs and one olive. And that was it. There's no need to cook such wholesome fare.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:23, 2 replies)

my mother and Rick Astley
Mother dear is an actual pathological liar - she tells lies and then they become truth in her mind. The more ridiculous they are, the more she is convinced of their veracity.

The famous example is the time when she bought a Rick Astley cassette from a street market [note to Americans: Astley was an epileptic singer who was later proved to be Kylie Minogue played at half speed]. Well, she brought the tape home and found that she only knew one song. So she tried to return it. Cue:

Mother: I want to return this.
Trader: Why?
Mother: Is isn't Rick Astley.
Trader: [Puts cassette in player and plays Rick Astley]. Yes it is.
Mother: No - it sounds like him, but it isn't him.
Trader: It's him.
Mother: It's not, because... because I'm his aunt and I know his voice.
Trader: Are you serious?
Mother: In fact, when I heard this tape I called him and played it to him and HE said it wasn't him.
Trader: Are you on some kind of medication?
Mother: That's not his picture on the box either...
Trader: Go away, you nutter.
Mother: He's my nephew!

She didn't get her money back.
(frankspencer, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:23, 2 replies)

Mr Groslin!
Former teacher of mine at the Purple School. Used to tell stories of all the things he's done, including:

*Served in the Foreign Legion (he was French. Are you allowed to be French in the Foreign Legion?).

*Made films as a director and a cameraman, and was a published photographer. He brought a video-camera in once for something or other, and couldn't hold it steady to save his life.

*Ate 100 oysters, washed down with 2 bottles of champagne (the most likely, if you think about it).

There were more, if they come back to me, I'll post them...
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:22, 2 replies)

My dad's student...
Much like Enzyme's story, really.

My father is a university lecturer, and had to haul one of his students up for a quiet word.

Prof Fossil: "Before I finish marking this thesis, is there anything you'd like to add to it?"
Student: "Umm, no."
Prof Fossil: "Sure? No...footnotes...for example?"
Student: "Nope. Everything's in there."
Prof Fossil: "Well, ok then. You've failed the course and won't be awarded your PhD."
Student: "WTF?"
Prof Fossil: "I'm failing you for the very serious offense of plagurism."
Student: "No, I never!"
Prof Fossil: "Yes, you did. You plagurised from one of the books that I recommended you read before starting the thesis. You copied huge paragraphs of said book into your thesis, with no citations at all. And you did it from a book that I WROTE."
Student: "...shit..."

Moral of the story: don't teach at an American University. The students will plagurise from the book that their own Professor wrote, and when failed for this, accuse him of sexism. (She tried to sue for discrimition but was summarily dismissed, thankfully).

EDIT: might not have been a PhD. I dunno 'cos I'm not myself an academic. It was some course that involved marking a large essay which would meant she would either pass or fail. Moral is still the same though!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:21, 11 replies)

All our analysts are assisting other callers
your question is important to us
remain on the line and an agent will be with you as soon as possible
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:20, Reply)

I print my lies....
...I call it a CV.


Thing is, you have to keep up the lie for as long as you're in the job.

Like the time I was the 1 and only person on a gas meter reading route for British Gas.

This made me "A team leader for a large national utility provider. Responsible for the allocation of work, performance monitoring of the team and autonomy of staffing issues.". In other words, whilst a student I read gas meters ... on my own.
Annoyingly this lead to a job position of team leadership where I had to draw on my experience from British gas... So I took my "team" to the pub, thats what I did at British Gas...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:18, 2 replies)

Guppy.
The guy from this answer: www.b3ta.com/questions/awesomesickies/post56681

Got laughed out of the Sgt's Mess for claiming that his hands were deadly weapons and that he could easily take on any three Royal Marines in a fight.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 29 Nov 2007, 13:16, Reply)