Who says the French aren't funny?
When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our croissants and hot chocolate in a bowl, and it was all very exciting.

On the table next to us was a man, maybe in his 60s, with his very glamorous French wife. She had enormous hair, a fur coat, long painted nails, lots of perfume. She was a bit like a chubby Cruella De Vil. On her knee she was cradling a very small, very smug-looking pekingese dog, who also sported bouffant hair and long nails.

The lady said something to her husband, and passed him the dog. he stroked the dog's head for a bit, then looked up and noticed me and my sister watching him. So he made a comedy angry face, and mimed strangling its neck. This made me and my sister laugh, so he picked up an ashtray and pretended to beat it over the head, all the time maintaining an expression of crazed fury. We laughed even more, so he put the dog on the floor, and pretended to kick it repeatedly up its tiny arse. Unfortunately in his enthusiasm for entertaining me and my sister, he hadn't noticed that his wife had now returned from the bathroom, to witness him attacking her most loved possession. The scene reached a crescendo with the wife screaming at her husband and thwacking him over the head with his copy of Le Monde as he muttered his froggy apologies. Possibly my happiest moment.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 13:53, 11 replies)

Not recently...
But, way back when....

A friend and I were walking from Meanwood to Headingley up the very steep ridge (Leeds geography). We were just in the foothills of Headingley when a pack of ferral kids (eldest 10 maybe) stepped out in front of us.

"Give us a quid, mister."

I ignored them, my friend told them to piss off. From that moment we had an entourage.

"Cunts!"
"Wankers!"
"Shit Wankers!"
"Shit cunt wankers!"

etc...

They followed us a way up the hill, then got bored of walking and just shouted. Around the corner at the top of the hill, a smart, respectable looking bloke in his 40-50s appeared strolling towards us as the young scamps below maintained their one-sided conversation.

("Fucking shit cunt wanker cunts"...."knobheab wankers"...."Shit puffs")

As we passed, he turned his head towards us.

"It appears you have a reputation," he said dryly.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:12, 6 replies)

I really shouldn't have laughed
I once saw a blind man with a white stick (before you get angry, I wasn't laughing at him), walk towards a busy bus stop. His cane had a ball on the end and he was very proficient at making his way around, his stick not really hitting anything, I'd seen him before so he obviously knew the area.
Anyway, there was a young lady standing with her back to him texting as these youngsters do, and when he walked past me his cane managed to go between this poor girls legs and not hit even one of her shoes so he kept walking, to the point where the angle of his cane to the ground ran-out and his hand ended up firmly in her bottom! I couldn't help but laugh as they tried to come untangled and I had to turn away only to find a lot of disapproving faces looking at me. It was the very loud "WoooooOOOooOoooo" noise she made that did it!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Mon 10 Dec 2012, 15:09, 10 replies)

A product of her environment
One day Mrs Quackblast, a young Korean lady, came home from work looking rather pissed off. I asked her what was up and she related the following story.

She'd popped out for lunch and met a Japanese friend of hers and they were walking off to get some food when a gentleman approached and asked if they had any spare change as he was short on his train fare and urgently had to go and see his parents, (and in no way was going to spend it on drugs or alcohol.)
'Sorry' she says, and they continue on their way.
About 50 metres down the road he shouts after them 'Why don't you fuck off back to China!' to which the missus turned 180 degrees, walked back up to him, stood about a foot from his face and announced through the medium of shouting, in the middle of a packed London street at lunchtime-

'I BET YOUR PARENTS ARE REALLY PROUD THAT THEIR SON GREW UP TO BE A CUNT!'

She wouldn't say boo to a goose when I met her, and was blissfully unaware of the majority of English swear words. It just goes to show the effect of hanging around with a horrible little scrote like me.

Her then telling me that the outburst was such a shock to her Japanese friend that she needed to 'have a nice sit down' only made me laugh the harder. Her continuing to say that yes, she was an immigrant in the country, but she was now a permanent resident, contributed to society and payed a lot of fucking tax, and she was fucked if she was going to let 'some fucking druggie cunt' fucking talk to her like that sent me over the edge.

What have I done to her?
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 8:35, 4 replies)

Androcles and the Loin
Proudly mounted on a public display board in a primary school. I particularly liked the way the artist has rendered said loin turning to face the camera with a rather shocked "wtf did you just call me?" expression.


( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:04, 12 replies)

I watch football at a small local non-league ground with my dad, a number of his mates and various hangers on.
A few years back,one of the lads, Terry, brings along his youngest son who was the tender age of 7.

The boy was carefully briefed as to the fact that as he was big enough to go to football he was big enough to understand that there would quite likely be LOTS of naughty words being shouted at players and, most likely, the referee and linesmen, and would he mind NOT repeating any of these words in mummy's earshot?

Match gets underway and it's evident fairly early on t hat the ref is having a shocker. Fouls are given when there's no foul to be seen, offsides not called when the man is far forward enough to be able to shake hands with the goalie, free kicks awarded nowhere near the offence and throw-ins awarded to the wrong teams. In short, he's fucking shit, but with an even-handedness which is both admirable, yet astonishing.
Unsurprisingly as a result the game is somewhat poor with frequent interruptions to play and both sets of supporters in the ground were getting somewhat fractious with some rather fruity language, mostly directed at the ref, being heard.

Finally, in the second half, the home team managed to string a few passes together without being stopped by the ref, one of the wingers burst through, delivered a cross which was PUNCHED away and off the field via the right touchline by an opposing defender. The ref blows up and awards a throw-in, rather than the expected and so-obvious-you-could-see-it-from-space penalty.

It's still the one and only time I've seen a football ground in stunned silence at a refereeing error.
So, it was even more surreal when the silence was broken by a little voice piping up with a query of 'can I call him a wanker now daddy?'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:48, 6 replies)

My grandpa teases his (toddler age) grandkids
with the whole "Got your nose!" thing. The end of the game will always be him tapping the kid's nose- it's still there! what a shock! - and going, "Dink!"

My 4 year old cousin had apparently had enough of this game when she waited for grandpa to fall asleep, snuck up on him, punched him full in the nose shouting "DINNNNK!" at the top of her voice, and legged it laughing maniacally.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:31, Reply)

Playing in a (good) orchestra
requires one's emotions/ awareness be open like a mainsail, ready to catch the slightest, most subtle of nuances; a never-ending breath of a note from twenty violins sounding perfectly as one; a beautifully executed phrase from a solo flute gracefully, flawlessly handed to the bassoon; a tutti pianissimo with the power to calm the most violent of storms.

I recall the performance where for the duration (hour and a 1/2), due to an unexpected error by an oboist, my stifled laughter had me in the heights of regularly recurring waves of simultaneous giddy pleasure combined with an enforced, necessary, painful and rocking silence; placing me exactly in the middle of the desire to have it never end and the desire to be able to breathe, let alone see.

The oboists's error was a simple lack of concentration due to his extreme dislike of the conductor. The concert order had been changed - the first piece (with the loud opening) had been swapped with the second (with the soft). The ensuing result of his distraction was like... picture the most beautiful of English countryside settings, green, soft, gentle... with a single, solitary, half-second Harpo Marx car-horn like solo. Fortissimo.
(roysin, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:19, 11 replies)

My wife fucking hates Battlefield 3

and as my headphone and mic broke the other week, my mate suggested I wear a baseball cap or something to hold the whole thing together so we could chat.

I don't have a baseball cap, in fact the only hat like object I could find was a WW2 helmet I bought in Eastern Europe a few years ago. So I stuck that on and it managed to keep the headset in place.

My wife walked in took one look at me and basically said "Oh, for fuck's sake" and slammed the door behind her.
( waz4444 Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy., Mon 10 Dec 2012, 3:35, 4 replies)

Whoops!
Remembering this story is making me grin like a chimp again!

My wife was bending down sorting out some laundry when my 8 year old son decided to walk past and pretend to fart in her face... for a bit of a laugh.

What actually happened is that he lifted his leg and let off the loudest fart I think I have ever heard.... I am sure that birds on the other side of the planet scattered.... now I have to say that time seemed to stand still, as the realisation of what he had just done dawned on the guilty party and the recipient... I mean, really stood still.... I felt like I was going to have a stroke as I tried to keep the laugh in... tears rolling down my face... my son was stood there like a deer in headlights (sheer terror on his face) and my wife had the sort of face that could only be described as 'psychotic'.

Still nobody had moved.... my son then cleared the stairs (I think in one leap) my wife in hot pursuit, leaving me to laugh hysterically... when my wife returned downstairs I had to put on the straight face again (very hard - I do think snot bubbles were caused in the attempt) and I think I found this hysterically funny for at least a week afterwards, just closing my eyes and visualising the two faces, captured in time.... I am struggling to type this (apologies for length, but I am typing between guffaws!)
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 12:48, 5 replies)

Have a pea:
On the last 'bus home out of town in Somerset one Saturday night, a group of lads at the back were being drunken, loud, but friendly - absolutely no malice at all.

Every single female that got on got a HUGE cheer from these lads.

A little old lady in her 70s got on - cue the HUGE cheers.

She paid for her ticket, turned to them with a wink and a smile, and pulled her skirt up a little exposing her knee, and pouted.

Cue HUGE cheers, wolf whistles, "Cor!" etc, but nothing filthy or dirty. Just good, clean fun.

Ace.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 11:20, 5 replies)

Old people are brill
My mum was having a cup of tea with an elderly neighbour recently. This woman is well into her eighties and has recently got herself a new boyfriend of around the same age. She was chatting about how great he was and everything, how happy they were to have found each other after losing their respective spouses...finishing with the immortal line: "But I won't let him do anal on account of my irritable bowel syndrome."
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 12:04, 2 replies)

Overheard in a supermarket....
Walking past the Halloween displays, mother to child:

"You've got a skull! I'm not buying you another one!"
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 13:21, 3 replies)

Duck
I live near a canal. This week it froze over and I was treated to the sight of a duck trying to eat a bread roll. Every time it went to peck it the roll would go skidding off across the ice, at which point the duck would follow it, slipping and sliding with determination, picking up speed only to fall down. The best one was when the duck picked up a fair bit of pace only to go into a full-on nose (beak) slide, shooting right into the bread roll and sending it shooting away at high speed.

I now know what a duck swearing sounds like.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:36, 3 replies)

The Wizard of Oz...
...was on at our local playhouse, so we went to see it with our two kiddies, then 3 and 6. We sat in the front of the circle, so we had a pretty good view.

As the wicked witch is menacing Dorothy in one particularly harrowing scene, youngest gets up and shouts at the top of his lungs "Stop doing that, you naughty lady!"

Cue whole theatre in giggles and the entire cast trying manfully (and womanfully) trying to stifle their laughter too, not entirely successfully.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 16:24, 3 replies)

Bit sick, but
RIP Patrick Edlinger (15.6.1960 – 16.11.2012). God of free climbing - enjoyed global success popularising this breathtakingly difficult and dangerous sport. You can watch the great man in action here, ascending the Gorge du Verdon in France - no rope, no shoes, no problem.

Cause of death? Fell down the stairs at home.

D'oh.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 21:41, 3 replies)

In which grandmasterfluffles has an amusing autocorrect disaster


This happened less than 24 hours ago. Mr Fluffles has already made several references to rodgering my sticky pudding since then. I will never hear the end of this...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:24, 5 replies)

There's a company up the road that employs chinbeardponytails.
They all wear long black coats and clumpy boots whatever the weather. I followed a matching pair in the ice yesterday. One skidded and grabbed the coat of his twin. They both executed perfect icy, cape-flowing spins and ended in a face-to-face embrace each on one knee. It was beautiful, man. They even demonstrated a rudimentary sense of humour when I said "Ta daa!"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:44, 11 replies)

my mum
or, rather, peeoples' reactions to her.
we in the family are well used to her little eccentricities, such as waggling her tiny feet off the floor and blowing a tantivy through a trumpet made of her own hands when she gets a good word on countdown, or her insistence on giving things new names(such as renaming chicken "charkelington"), but watching the bemusement on the faces of others who witness her little outbursts really makes me laugh.

one that i remember well is when a friend and i were sitting in my mum's kitchen. suddenly, from the living room came a loud shout along the lines of "BEEAAAAHHHMMMMLLLWPOOOWOOOBNNNGGGGGYYEAHHHHHH!"
without even bothering to ask, i just said "ok" and got up to put the kettle on.
wide-eyed with amazement, my mate asked "did you understand that?"
"yes", i said, "she wants a cup of tea."
i didn't tell my friend that mum frequently pulls that particular trick, i simply let her believe that my mum and i could both speak some bizarre shouty language that we only employed in times of thirst.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 15:37, 4 replies)

Break time at the Haunted House
I was one of several dancing zombies at a theater remodeled as a Haunted House this last Halloween. The episodic, vigorous hunt for brains was hard work, of course, and we were resting between waves of visitors. One of the Haunted House guides was a teenage girl dressed as a cat - cat whiskers, cat ears, cat tail. She sprawled face down on the stage. A teenage boy reached over and playfully lifted up her little cat tail. "Stop!" she shouted. "You've got to buy me dinner first!"
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:24, 4 replies)

Balls
I had to take my cat Norman to the vets at the weekend for his jabs. I walked into the surgery feeling hungover and wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. After the vet had done his duties he picked up Norman to do his usual checks at which point he started laughing.

I asked the vet what had caused this chuckling and he exclaimed that my young feline companion has one white testicle and one black testicle.

The sight of Norman's multicolour scrotum kept me amused all day.
(CasuallyObscene, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:47, Reply)

Photo taken whilst driving to work a few months ago.
enough, I feel, said.


( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:03, 6 replies)

"The most stupid thing you've ever done"
Me: (Dull story)

Colleague: "I stuck a rubber duck to my forehead with tile sealant. Then when it fell off a week later, I melted the rubber with a lighter and welded it to the other side of my forehead. It's how I got my name - Duck".

Me: ...

Him: "Then when I worked at McDonalds I had a proper bastard of a manager who wouldn't let me put "Duck" on my name tag. So I legally changed my name to Duck".

Me: ...

Him: "While I was doing that, I discovered you can change your middle names as well for no extra charge".

Me: ...

Him: "So my full name is 'Duck Andy-Bill Megatron McThumbs'N'Stuff Lamond"

Me: "Bwahahahahahaha"




I've seen his ID and it's really true.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 21:08, 5 replies)

My lovely wife
My wife has never seen Star Wars. I'm trying to indoctrinate her in the things in life that really matter.

Last weekend we were at a local shopping center. There were some people dressed in Star Wars outfits, trying to sell toys. Trying to put her new knowledge to use, she points to the tall, dark, cloaked figure in the middle and says :

"So, thats Gareth Vader".
(chutneyweasel, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 13:57, 4 replies)

Sitting in our local this very afternoon
There's a sign on the door that says "Dogs Welcome." There's a non-dining area at the back where people take their dogs and it's a great Sunday place after a long walk.

I don't pretend we own the place but over the years we've probably spent the GDP of a small African country there, as have the other dog owning regulars who relax in the back room on a Sunday afternoon.

It's a dog friendly pub. There are 3 distinct areas of the pub, and one of them has dogs in it which is not, then, the best place to sit if you don't like dogs and for the elderly couple in question clearly a mistake.

When we got there there was a palpably awkward atmosphere. On the positive side I suspect that the two old knackers had probably said more to each other than at any time in the last ten years - along the muttered but deliberately audible lines of "smelly dogs...".."shouldn't be allowed...".."ruining our Sunday..."etc.. There was - I should add - plenty of room in the rest of the pub and, prior to our arrival, a Labrador and a Spaniel, both well behaved and under control in the dog room.

Our boys are well used to being in the pub - in fact they love it because they get fussed over - and settled down immediately but the seething from the corner became even more visceral and incandescent.

Dogs are innocent of shame and propriety and have no concept of social niceties. Ours are fed on a well balanced non-supermarket diet but - well the bottom line is that they do, on occasion, emit fumes with eye-stinging, paint-peeling, Geneva Convention breaking acridity.

And just we needed it most one of them guffed. Copiously. The sour faced old biddy's blue rinse collapsed and her dismal husband turned a spectacular shade of puce - and off they scuttled, clutching their halves of lager, muttering incantations about awful awful dogs and what a disgrace and writing to whoever we didn't vote for.

And by hell we laughed until the fart-induced tears were mingled with laughter-induced ones.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 18:08, 7 replies)

I can't understand Sylvester Stallone when he speaks
with the result that, in the scene in one of the Rocky films where his coach is dying and trying to say his last inspirational words, where Rocky is supposed to say, "No no, don't give up, you're going to be fine!" all I can hear is some special-needs bloke interrupting someone's final moments with gibberish.

"Rocky... there's... not much..."
"uuhhhBUH DUHBI UHRRRRRGAA BWAAAA!"
"...don't interrupt, I..."
"wuuuhhHHURRRRBAAA OOBA!"
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 18:25, 2 replies)

Not the answer I was expecting
A couple of years ago I took a girlfriend to Hanmer Springs (here in NZ) for a weekend. I wasn't sure if the relationship was going anywhere, so I took a speculative punt and asked; "If we get a room with a jacuzzi, will you let me do you up the arse?"

All rather uncharacteristic of me - that approach is really not my style, but I reasoned she might be more likely to indulge me the mucky pleasures in a jacuzzi than all over her Eqyptian cotton sheets

Her reply?

"Yeah OK. (Pause) What's a jacuzzi?"
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:05, 1 reply)

A twat in a white Range Rover Vogue (the car of twats) getting their comeuppance
My car's shit. It's a blue Nissan Micra that's been on the telly and I have to drive it to work every morning through the usual bottlenecks and traffic jams. You take what you can get from your daily commute, so...

The other morning as I settled for my place in the queue waiting to join the A33, along came Range Rover Twat. Despite not having flashing blue lights on the top of his car, or any indication that he was carrying transplant organs, he attempted to nip to the front of the line by powering along the wrong side of the road. As you do, like a twat in a white Range Rover Vogue.

Imagine the hilarity, then, as he came up against White Van Man coming the other way. White Van Man had no intention of getting out of Range Rover Twat's precious way, making him reverse all the way the back of the queue and beyond, where he sat seething in a farm gateway, before buggering off in the opposite direction.

Those exhaust fumes that filled the air as he over-revved in fury: Smells like VICTORY.

Full 12-inch version with offers of beer money and sex HERE. I'm so lonely.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:17, 2 replies)

Street evangelist
I saw a street evangelist do a proper slapstick comedy banana skin-type slip on a pile of dogshit yesterday.

Legs went way up in the air and he landed on his back in the dogshit which smeared nicely over his jacket.

Just gutted none got in his hair.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 12:25, Reply)

Last week, my sister and I went to take her dog to the vets. Whilst my sister and dog was in with the vet I was dutifully waiting in reception when I overheard a conversation between two elderly ladies…
‘I’ve been reading that 50 shades of grey’
‘Oh have you?’
‘Yes, I might not keep reading it, it’s not very well written’
‘I’ve heard that’
‘It’s not even as if it’s very good porn’
I promptly laughed fairly loudly much to their entertainment, one of the aforementioned ladies said ‘Ooh, look at him giggling away’ to which I replied with a chuckle, ’Hey, just because there’s snow on the roof it doesn’t mean the fire’s gone out!’
By the time my sister came out with the dog we were all cackling away and she was left wondering what the hell was going on.
And the dog's fine too - Result! :-)
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Sat 8 Dec 2012, 22:36, Reply)