Bastards
You changed the QOTW when I was at the pub...

EDIT: No. 30 is still the best though.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:50, Reply)

when i....
When I first met my fiancé’s parents ( 1st wife) we had a nice meal out and went back to the house for a few drinks. They being Yorkshire people started going on about ancestry and where their family came from. Me being a Sunderland lad, asked my wife to be, if she had any Genes from the North East in her.
She said “no”, I said " Do you want some".
Her dad laughed but her mum looked mortified.
Divorced the twunt for shagging around three years later anyway ..
( ratman, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:48, Reply)

Oh yes
Going to meet new girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house.

Her mum and dad are in the living room.

"Hi I'm groovegenerator"
"Hello - I'm Sarah's mum"
"Hello - how are you?"
"Well - okay. Sarah - we've got some news. Your father and I are going to get a divorce."

Room goes really quiet. Girlfriend breaks down in tears. Groovegenerator looks at floor hoping for hole to appear into which he can climb.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:48, Reply)

one of my exes is from montenegro
her family moved to the uk about 15 years ago. this was fine. what was a bonus was her dad worked on an oil tankers and was only arround for about 10 weeks a year. i met her mum who was lovely.

a few months later me and the gf were getting a bit fruity as we walked back from school. we were kissing and rubbing in the way only 16 year olds can as she opened her front door. we were greeted by her father who speaks little or no english and is about a big a grizzly bear. he was marginally pissed off at me. i have never felt pain like the crushing handshake he gave (and i've managed to twist my knee almost 90 degrees more than it is meant to twist playing rugby) since. i swear i would have cried. his hands were twice the size of mine - him being some kind of butch manual labourer and me being fairly weak. i went nowhere near her pink bits at anytime when he was still in the country.

she dumped about 6 months later. i was gutted
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:40, Reply)

1st time I met my girlfriend's parents
there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving

"Have you slept with Julie yet?"
"Do you treat her with respect in the bedroom?"
"Are you ever selfish in bed with her?"
"Have you ever had anal sex with Julie?"
etc.

Once they had answered my questions, I agreed to go in and have dinner with them.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:38, Reply)

I was wonderful....
Met my last boyfriend's parents on his birthday when they took us out for dinner, I behaved like a perfect lady (normally I'll belch/fart whenever I feel the need) and his parents seemed to like me.

Next night they invited us out for dinner with them again as they'd had such a good time the night before....

Later that night I went out with the boyfriend and other friends and by the end of the night he'd broken up with me and a few weeks later was shagging the fat ugly wh0re he'd been talking to in the club.....Oh and the night he dumped me was valentines....
(helish, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Week in germany
Was flying off to Germany to spend a week with my (german) girlfriend at her parent's house (whom I hadn't met before).

Got very pissed before the flight and just managed to get the Gatwick express to the airport in time. Unfortunately, the check-in person informed me that the flight was from Heathrow.

I got a very expensive ticket to another airport reasonably close to where her parents lived. Meanwhile, girlfriend and parents had already left home, and as these were the days before mobiles, they spent a long time wondering why I hadn't got off the plane.

Eventually mmanaged to ring them after they had wandered home, and they picked me up from the other airport. For some reason she, and her parents, didn't seem very pleased to see me.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:32, Reply)

The first time I met my (then) girlfriend's parents,
we were in a restaurant. I went to the toilet and used the urinal. I looked down after I'd finished and a rogue jet of piss had created a HUGE wet patch on my Chinos. Thinking quickly, I raised my crotch to the hand dryer and spent 5 minutes drying my pants. Fortunately, the father didn't come in (although a few other people did).

When I returned, everyone thought I must have had an enormous dump. Not a good result whichever way round you look at it.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:32, Reply)

When I first met my g/f's mum
she sternly told me that if I ever made my g/f cry she'd chop my balls off.

I laughed. But she was deadly serious.

Now whenever I see her, I can feel my balls retracting in fear. (But I think that's normal)
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:19, Reply)

About two years ago my (then 19-year-old) brother was messing about with a permanent marker
and drew a big 'L' and big 'R' inside his trainers (for 'left' and 'right' obviously)

A few weeks later he was meeting a girl's parents for the first time, her mum answers the door, and he's being all polite, on his best behaviour and that. Noticing a shoe rack by the door, he takes off his trainers and stacks them neatly on the top. This is the point at which her mum notices the spaz-labels inside his trainers, looks at him, purses her lips (but says nothing) and invites him through to the sitting room.

He didn't see the girl again.
(DeeDee, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:14, Reply)

Delaed
Was flying off to Germany to spend a week with my (german) girlfriend at he parent's house.

Got very pissed before the flight and just managed to get the
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:12, Reply)

This Is Gonna Be Tough
How the hell can I spin one of my tales and still have at least a nodding relationship with the bloody topic?

/ponders
Ha! got it!
/ponders

Right - I'm stretching the definition of the QOTW a bit so work with me on this one. Pedants and jobsworths can kiss my arse. Don't like it, don't vote for me.

In the 80's I was working in a market town in Northumberland on robotics research. The mob I worked with were all trippy-hippy techies and musicians. A very talented bunch if a bit weird. Near to where we worked was a place called "The Pastures" - part of the Duke of Northumberland's estate and a favourite place of ours for drunken midnight rambles.

This one night, we'd finished late and headed off to the local pub where we rammed down several beers. Three of the lads also swallowed a couple of handfuls of magic mushrooms - I passed as I was never too happy with stuff that left me feeling out of control - and at closing time we decided to go for a wander through The Pastures. One guy, we'll call him Simon, was totally off his tits on shrooms and was experiencing very vivid hallucinations and was getting increasingly paranoid. As we walked, me trying to calm Simon and the others trying to wind him up, we spotted a few year old bullocks sleeping quietly near some trees. When Simon saw them he just freaked! Thinking they were some sort of terrible fire-breathing monster (steam from their breath) he shrieked and took off like Paula Radcliff needing a shit. He tore off up the hill and over a rise.

"Bollocks" says me. "Lets go and find the silly cunt before he does himself and injury."

So me and the other tripping hippies set off at a gentle jog up the hill where Simon had disappeared over. As we approached the summit we heard a wailing scream of "SHIIIITTTTTT!!!!" followed by a rumbling noise and Simon appeared over the brow of the hill, screaming his head off and ploughed through us with his little arms and legs going like a fiddlers elbow.

"What the fuck????" I said.

And then we met the parents.

Over the brow of the hill came the biggest, ugliest and maddest herd of cows I've ever seen accompanied by a very pissed off bull! We were about 20 yards from the summit when they burst over the rise and charged towards us. I nearly crapped myself. We starburst into different directions and legged it as fast as we could into the darkness...

I remain, as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:12, Reply)

Way back when
16 years old, I was being introduced to my first girlfriend's parents for the first time. Hand in hand, we opened the door to the lounge. 'Mum, Dad', she began, 'this is...' at which point the family dog growled, jumped up and took a flying leap teeth first at my crotch narrowly missing my pride and joys. An inch more to the right and there wouldn't have been much point in going out with her.
After that, they were very embarrassed, apologetic and I could do no wrong :)
( Weetobix, Thu 19 May 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Not me...
but a guy I know. I dunno, he may have been pulling my leg, it soulnds like one of those walkman/wanking/mum/tea stories but it's funny anyway.

So, this guy goes around to his new girl's parents place for the first time, a big pad in the countryside. They all sit down to lunch in the conservatory and ten minutes in he needs a poo-poo, so he excuses himself and goes upstairs. He finds the dunny, clips off about a foot of dirty spine and then flushes the toilet. But when he looks again his big sweaty loaf is still in the pan! Of course, he's mortified so he flushes again. And again. After one last time, he's in a fit of panic about this still-born foal of a turd that refuses to flush away so he gathers up a wad of toilet paper, wraps it around his hand and grabs the offending brown trout from the pan. Still panicking, he opens the bathroom window and hurls it out into the garden. 'Job done, nice one Matt!' he says to himself as he goes back to finish his lunch. He's surprised to see the family looking so dumbstruck and appalled as he re-enters until he looks up at the roof of the conservatory. And there it is, splat on the glass ceiling, with a trail of brown water dribbling from it. Legend.

And my friend Ben had a wonderful time at his new girl's pad in London, and he reverses down the drive to go home the next day and tears the wing-mirror off her dad's brand new Porsche 911. Scarpered straight away, of course.
(Whizzer, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:59, Reply)

my boss
when he was introduced to his new fiancee's parents, her mother looked him up and down and said loudly: "but darling, there are plenty more fish in the sea."

how bad did he feel?

well, probably not that bad given that he is a sub-human cnut with ice for blood and shit for brains. with a particularly charming habit of sneering: "good afternoon" when i turn up at 7.31am despite the fact that my start time is 9.30am. but that's for a different topic i guess...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

WOO! NO. 15! when i met the parents...
i was 18. didnt have a happy childhood. laugh. its hilarious.


i will apologise for length as it is under 4 inches
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

hohum
I decided to break the ice by taking my girlie and her parents down to the local boozer for a few drinks. This involved a train journey and a real cnut of a ticket inspector who made us move out of the 1st class compartment and sit in the cattle truck. When we got to the pub, the bouncer refused to let me in as I was wearing stainless steel brogues and a cheeky smile and not even a bribe of Scottish bank notes (or Japanese Yen) could get me in.

Then I realised I was answering the wrong QOTW. Shit!
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

A Brit Abroad
I married a Malaysian girl, and went off to Malaysia to meet her parents. Her Mum was a Tunku (one of the ruling class out there) and a very, very posh lady. The first time I met her she came over as me and my girlfriend were out sitting by the pool. Ever the British gent I moved my chair to make room for her to sit down, not knowing that I had put one chair leg over the pool edge. I shook hands, did a bit of a bow (as instructed), sat down and executed a near perfect back-sumersault into the pool, grabbing hold of the table in an attempt to stop myself falling and pulling that in as well.

Needless to say, when g/f and I announced that we were getting married, she cried, then shouted, then forbade g/f to see me ever again and stopped the generous allowance that we used to live reasonably well.

Apologies etc.... (page 1, yaay)
(Toooldforallthis, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

bolognese
have you noticed how the first time you meet the better halfs parents they always feed you bolognese? well there is a reason for this.. they will claim that its because anyone eats bolognese (well, thats true i spose), but they're lying! the truth is that you can NOT eat spag bol without spilling it all over yourself, sucking a bit up, etc etc.. so they give it to you to make you feel low.

appologies for length, but if it was shorter, it wouldnt be so hard to eat, would it!
(5lab, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:49, Reply)

Footsie...
Again, not me, but a friend...

Went to meet his (now wife's) parents over Sunday lunch at her house.

He decides to engage in a little bit of footsie action under the table with his girlfriend.
Strangely though, after at least two minutes of his finest toe-work the girlfriend remains unmoved and doesn't even aknowledge his best under-table attempts to make her smile.

Then all of a sudden, her mother puts down her knife and fork and turns to my friend and says that, "Although (she found it) rather flattering, she would rather not have her leg stroked under the table during Sunday lunch"


....cringe-fest
(IcePimp, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:47, Reply)

Not really the parents but..
When I met my wife's sister for the first time we were at the royal albert hall watching the DMC music awards. My wife introduced us and her sister very elegantly said "Pleased to meet but I have to go as I am busting for a poo"
(eviled, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:47, Reply)

This wasn't the first time we'd met
But I'd gone to watch this guy (who I no longer see) play cricket, with his parents. Coming back from the match, me and him were sat in the back, and I thought his mum had stopped driving. However, she hadn't, and I ended up jumping from a moving vehicle.
It was only going at about 15mph, she'd pulled up to this thing (a ticket machine? I don't remember), I opened the door and stuck my leg out, she accelerated and unfortunately I didn't.
We stopped seeing each other not long after.
(Lizzilla, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:44, Reply)

Pool
On our introduction, my girlfriend's mother challenged me to a game of pool, saying that I'd never beat her.

I tried my best, and won.

*proud*

Did I mention that she was pissed and had a broken wrist?
(Conditional Identity If you need any help........, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:43, Reply)

I have no good stories...
...really, I don't. But a mate of mine had a great short event....

He went out on the first night out with his new girlfriend (who turned into a relationship of 4 years) for a nice gig, but ended up drinking a bit too much, and ended up trhowing up in his shoe and in numerous other places. She got him into a taxi, but he had to get out and throw up, at which point the taxi driver refused to let them back in the car, rather far from home...

Cue a very drunk bloke with his not so drunk girlfriend, being dragged miles home, and arriving at his parents (where he was living at the time) throwing up, covered in sick and very drunk, with a girl on his arm who they'd never met before.

Excellent...
( FinestLittleSpace, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:43, Reply)

Do I exists?
Well I will be the first serious one.

I was 15. She had just turned 16 that morning due to it being her birthday. We had been going out for four months. I got my mum to drive me round to her house where I proudly walked up the long drive clutching a huge bunch of flowers and a shiny silver ring. Turn the corner to the house to be met by her dad and two brothers of age 28 and 34 respectively. Ask if she is in, but she isn't. Feeling very embarrassed and about to wet myself I say if they can let her know I called. They asked who I was. I said the boyfriend. They asked who I was, I said the boyfriend again. They didn't even know I existed. Damn the women wasn't even proud enough to let them know she was with me. Turn around and walk back down the drive to the shrills of manly laughter.
(maddave, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Ok...
..forth then
(Gomi No Sensei, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Oh yes!
Third!
I rule like the Wee Papa Girl Rappers!
(Gomi No Sensei, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Well...
Not me, but a friend... of course...


The father growled at me and the mother got quite excited and was barking a lot!
(IcePimp, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

When i first met her parents

I fucked her Mum.
(nappy rash, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Woo!
Number 1!
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 19 May 2005, 13:31, Reply)