after getting a little relaxed in the redstar in camberwell
i used to obtain nourishment from the local kfc and fall asleep face first into my PopCorn on a bench on camberwell green. despite my totally useless state i was never accosted.

just amazed i wasnt hurt in someway, and wanted to share with the board.
i have never been mugged. im not even close to 5'10''. but i do have a grade one skin head and a swagger...
(magictorch, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:52, Reply)

Liverpool
At a train station in Liverpool at the last train i was there with 3 mates.

Then 2 of the biggest most incredibly chavistic chavs possible turned up. The ones that wear dirty horrible old addidas coats and black Reebok classics.

They started talking absolute shit and sounded like devvo.

Didn't actually get mugged but they wouldn't stop asking me for weed. Apparantly i look like a pot-head according to them.

They also asked for ciggies. As we had none on us they started to get irrated.

They told us of how they had CS Gas cans hidden in their socks, which they had stolen when they had foiled an armed robbery down the road from an off-licence.

After us being polite and quiet to the cunts they decided they weren't getting anywhere and looked over the fence and proclaimed- 'there's that bus driver, let's go 'an twat the fucka', and they ran off....

Totally off point, but it needs to be exercised to keep it this long.
(androoh, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:48, Reply)

Night in Old Kent Road....
My mates 21st was in Caesars in Old Kent Road a few years ago. Spent all night in the VIP lounge getting wasted on cheap champers.

When we got outside everyone went off to get some chicken, I was walking fairly slowly and diagonally, and ended up falling behind a bit. Cue about 10 Black Youths appearing out of nowhere and start enquiring where I'm from. Me being a friendly drunk started chatting to them, asking them about where they're from etc. It wasn't until they started patting my trouser legs I realized something was up.

At this point my mate Ian (Fudge) shouted to the rest of my mates I was in a bit of trouble, and they all steamed towards them. They scarpered pretty fast.

What amused me was in amongst the group of about 15 of us, was 3 tramps that had got up off the floor next to the chicken shop and decided to give chase as well.

When we headed back towards the club to grab some cabs, the gang came back again and started surrounding us, at which point my mate ‘Big Tom’ had caught up with us and promptly told them to cock off. Which they obeyed almost instantly, which when confronted with ‘Big Tom’ I think most people would.

I never apologize for anything!
(Mr Bojangles Of London Town, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:47, Reply)

Violent Muggery
Ages ago in my late teens I was out one afternoon and 2 neds appeared from round the corner (you can tell from a mile off what they are) and start towards me down the street. They draw level with me and suddenly one of them says "Haw, wee man" (I should point out that I'm from Glasgow). Instead of looking round and saying a polite hello, I instinctively flinched and lucky I did because the fucker slashed me with a stanley knife. If I had turned round I would have gotten a nice extra opening across my face but since I flinched like a big puff I got hit across the back of the head/left ear and was therefore not badly injured, although I did need several stitches and lost a bit of blood. The cnuts never even justified the attack with some robbery which really pissed me off as at least it would have been a wee bit worth it. Actually in a way the bastards actually stole some of my blood.*

^{*And I want it back, it's mine.}
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Reading the posts by ariaxen and the moron gave me flashbacks..
..to walking through a city park aged five or six with my auntie, holding on to my sisters pushchair with one hand, and enjoying a Marathon with t'other hand. Being a kid, eating a great big chocolate bar with caramel and peanuts would tend to take longer than the three-gulps and-its-gone adult approach. So there I was, enjoying a leisurely confectionary delight of a walk when who appears? Mr Furry Grey Squirrel! A few jumps away from me, he sat there with his beady little eye.

Rodent strikes!

Mr Furry Grey Squirrel sees his opportunity, bounds up and grabs the chocolate bar out of my hand, runs up the nearest fence and proceeds to munch on MY Marathon in front of me.

I cried.
( prem1um is full of life, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:29, Reply)

Woodside59
The same has happened to me. Group of yobs who had finished school 3 years before drive past making "intimidating" mongoloid noises sticking their fingers up.

What makes it sweet is that I'm now at my home town University making films, and I see one of them at least twice a week washing cars in the car park.

Many apologies for posting something so unbelievably off topic...
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Never been mugged myself...
...but my friend Dangerous Brian was, by a prostitute outside King's Cross.
May or may not have been the same night he walked from Oxford Street to Crouch End with no shoes.

Apologies for my bolus.
(misteroz, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 15:50, Reply)

In Ipswich*, the closest I've come to actually being mugged
is being passed at high speed by a bunch of little charvers** in a car, who squawked out of the window***:

"HAAA, YOU'RE GAAAAAAAAAAAA_{AAAAAAAAAAAAAY!}"

Good work lads, maybe next time you should stick to intimidating primary-school kids.

* the county town of Suffolk - too generally substandard to be a halfway decent town, but not quite skanky enough to be a Barnsley of the south.
** They were about two years younger than me.
*** The shrinking text is my attempt to reproduce the accompanying Doppler effect.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 14:56, Reply)

Tea Leaves
A mate was riding home on his bike through picturesque Perry Barr in Birmingham when some kids came out from nowhere and forced him to stop. When he realised they were out to rob him he punched one of the raasclaats only for one of the others to produce a knife. They nicked his bike, bag, phone and glasses. Yes, his glasses.

My theory is that they were going to use them to either re-read War and Peace or perhaps more likely, to use the lens to start a fire back home at the gyppo camp to cook rats for their family's dinner.

Bastards.
( prem1um is full of life, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 14:42, Reply)

A lad I work with
Is shit hot at Ju Jitsu ( i think - one of the martial arts anyway). he is VERY fit - sprints the 2 miles to work and barely gets a dab on, anyway.

Big lad and small lad jumped him at the station:

Big Lad: Giz yer wallet
Mate: No
Big Lad: Giz yer wallet (insult insult)
Mate: Look lads, do yourself a favour, pick on someone else.
Big lad - swung for mate.

he left big lad on the platform with a broken leg and took small lad to police station. By took, i mean dragged a mile while small lad sobbed.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 14:11, Reply)

a really good
mate of mine was drugged and mugged by another guy we both knew. Very unpleasant

But a few years later I caught the cunt in bed with my fiancée so I don't feel sorry for him any more.


Aaaaa Karma
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 14:04, Reply)

Anyone else been mugged by someone they know?
A friend of mine was out in town one night as students are often seen to be doing, and had left his jacket on a chair as he went to buy another round, and got back to find someone had slyly pilfered his phone in his absense.

The interesting bit was getting his phone handed back to him a couple of days later, after the theif had looked through his contacts, and noticed some common friends, so handed the phone over to one of them to be passed on

David
(442, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 13:40, Reply)

In The Latin Quarter of Paris...
Even the bloody muggers in Paris are more cultured than their English counterparts. I was heading down St Germain when these two skinny French blokes bashed into me and demanded some cash.

Being outnumbered, and not being able to leg it past them, I feigned incomprehension, saying, "Sorry. I don't speak French".

Not realising that these were upmarket euro-thieves, I didn't anticipate that one of the guys would then say in his best Antoine de Caunes accent, "Oh. I am zo zorry. In Engleesh then. 'Pleeze give me your Euros or my friend will 'urt you wiz hiz knife'".
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 13:34, Reply)

I got mugged recently
on Northcote road in Clapham. A bloke staning in his garden saw it happening but he refused to do anything about it. he just stood there watching as i was releaved of my handbag at knifepoint. When I called the plice and they asked if I had any witnesses i went to the bloke's house and he said he didn't see it. The police called me a liar and made me apologise to the bloke.
(ddbddb, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Tramps and Childs
Not really a mugging as such, but me and a mate were walking back from the chip shop once, when a homeless feller offered us a copy of the Big Issue. We declined, and made to move on, but the chap decided he wanted some of our food. Cue us increasing our rate of walk as a homeless man followed us down Canterbury High Street calling out "Gimme a bit of your sausage!" "I just want a few chips!" and other such phrases.

In the chav-infested part of Kent that I grew up, one of the most common occurances is being unsuccessfully threatened by people half your age. My favourite such incident occured when my mate Jim was waling back home one afternoon, and went something like this;

Chavling (barely taller than Jim's waist): 'Ere bey, you gotta fag I could borra'!
Jim: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Chavling: Gissa fag bey!
Jim: I don't have any. I don't smoke.
Chavling: I'll get my bruvver on you!
Jim looks behind him to see chavling's brother who, slightly taller, reaches as far as Jim's chest.
Jim: I can't give you a fag, because I don't have any.
Jim goes to walk off. Chavling's brother hits him on the back of the head with something. Jim remains standing. Chavling and brother run off. Jim shruggs and walks the rest of the way home.

Would apologise for length, but the chavlings didn't think size mattered, and neither do I.
(Uncle Comrade, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 13:04, Reply)

For anyone who plays WOW
WOW, the online game is a fairly good game, but due to blizzards lack of forsight most servers econimys (crap spelling- tired) are screwed up and cheating your way into riches is viewed as the best way by a few stupid assholes, so what i do whenever anyone begs me for g (they ask loads of people for little amounts of G and end up with lots) is i open a trade window with them and put the most insane amount of G in the trade window(i have been playin for a year and am very good at making G the legal way) and then i just wait (without pressing accept) and see how long they are prepared to wait before they give in, my record was a full hour


yea i know not exactly mugging and very geeky but thats most exciting story i got only, although WOW gamers take note its a great way to piss off those gold sellers and ninjas
(weefreemen102, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 12:59, Reply)

I just remembered
Many years ago I was wakling home from work on pay day when I was 16.

The wages man used to come to the office with a heavy and give us apprentices our wages in cash in a pay packet.

I was about to take the short cut through Woolworths when an older looking thug and his mate asked me if I had any spare change, I just carried on walking, he then grabbed me as his mate looked on. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out about 30p in change from what I had in my pocket.

"I want more than that", I must have taken a bit more with the next handful. He took it and walked away. He must have got about £1.50.

Good job he didn't realise I had the rest of my weeks wages in my other pocket.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Mugging a mugger.
Thanks to all these stories I'm now petrified, thanks chaps. I even tucked the money from my wallet into the key pocket in my jeans when I was walking home from the pub at the weekend. Tucking my phone into my boxers however proved to be less effective as it slid down the leg of my jeans and ended up skidding across the pavement.

Anyway no story from me but my mate Doug used to live in Addington near Croydon. He was sitting on a bus when a rude boy sat down next to him and whispered "Give me your phone".
"I don't have a phone" replied Doug (this was true).
"Oh" replied the rude boy. A few minutes passed and Doug's stop was coming up.
"Do you have a cigarette?" asked Doug
The rude boy actually offered him a cigarette, he grabbed 5 and got off the bus. Superb.


Another story, Doug, on a tram this time was approached by a youth from a group of about 5 sitting at the back, "Give me your phone and your money".
"I don't have either" (again, mostly true).
"Don't mess me around" warned the youth, flashing the blade of a knife. At this point the bus was approaching the centre of Croydon where a small group of Police officers were standing near the stop.
"POLICE!" shouted Doug. They didn't hear but the group of youths got up and ran off anyway.


(Conversations translated from Croydon Patois with swearing removed for your convenience).

Length? Not enough to stop my phone from escaping.
(smuj83, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 11:27, Reply)

Oxford Street words of warning !
Getting cash from an ATM one night after much alcoholic intake I had just put my card back in my wallet and slipped the wallet into my jacket pocket as the machine whirred and clanked counting my taxi fare when some scumbag runs into me knocking me away from the machine, grabs the cash that the machine has just spat out and sets off up Oxford street like a greased whippet on amphetamines. Me being of the inebreated state thinks once about setting off in pursuit but thinks better of it since our high speed assailant is already two hundred yards away. Went back to the machine and performed said transaction again looking round all the time like a scared meerkat, got me cash and taxi to my hotel. Reported it to the police who were less than disinterested. Not sure what this crime would be called but his timing of the run into me to co-incide with the ATM spitting out the cash was impeccable, bastard!
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Out of frying pan, into fire...
Some girlie friends had gone en masse on holiday to Spain. After a fairly heavy 24 hours abusing Catalan hospitality they were in the process of putting faces on for the evening's festivities when one of them stepped out of the shower, slipped on the already wet marble floor, and hit their face on the corner of a stone table.

Bear with me, I did read the question.

Blood + water = usually a lot worse than it actually is, but this did need serious attention. So, half cut (sorry), they tramped off to hospital with the unhappy victim.

With nothing better to do, one of the pack decided to call the b.f. back home for emotional support: My mate Steve. Steve listened patiently for a good 5 minutes, and then against a background djin of chitter-chatter offered emotional support, constructive advice on healthcare abroad - only to then hang up abruptly. He'd obviously been out with mates, got bored, and despite his girlfriend's crisis, hung up.

Steve remained uncontactable until the girls' return a few days later. Steve was obviously out on his ear, but was going to get a good shoeing first. Steve turned up about a week later and was rather bewildered at a the savage attack he received on her front door step.

It took physical evidence in the form of stitches, hefty bruising and documented proof of an ongoing professional relationship with a neurosurgeon to make the beatings stop. At which point he had the opportunity to explain:

He later learnt from the police that the djin in the background was a group of hoodied youths walking up the platform behind him with a piece of 2X4 to relieve Steve of a few brain cells and his mobile…

…Apologies for length.
(jangle, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Cycling home to Hackney from the Wet End
I stopped in Victoria Park to take my rain-proof off. As I pulled it over my head I felt a sharp jab in my side.

Mr Crackhead was holding a knife to my stomach, one of those lovely serrated types which I think they gut fish with.

As he rode off, he took the rucksack I'd put over the bars and threw it aside as it was slowing him down. I picked the bag up, caught up with him and swung. Hard.

You see, the bag had my d-lock inside and when it connected with the side of the numpty's head it seems I might have hurt him a bit. Well he was out cold at least and I'm not ashamed to say that in my rage/terror/frenzy I contemplated a quick Ro-Sham-Bo but managed to restrain myself.

Instead I called the police and rode off to a safe distance until they arrived. And you know what they said? "Well it is quite a good bike...." Like it was my feckin fault!

Arse-wipes.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 9:28, Reply)

having grown up in queens crescent in kentish town i learned to handle my self from a very young age...
as such ive be in more than my fair share of fights but noone has EVER tried to mug me.

piston_broke et al are right when they say its a mental thing. chavs/muggers/whatever can tell if you are gona be an easy target by the way you move and the way you walk dont be afraid to talk with your fists if thats what it comes to.

most muggers are out for a quick buck and dont particularly want to get teh shit beaten out of em to acheive this.

big *hug* to rosie. those bruises are gonna suck for the next week or two. lots of warm baths to get teh blood flowing will make em fade faster.

and as for the bastard that made the ginger one wear a green bow tie... tat was just evil....
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 6:06, Reply)

Truest Story Ever
I was walking around in Los Angeles one night having drunk eighty-seven bottles of beer and eaten a whole bowlful of acid, so I was very slightly tipsy. I had a million dollars stored in my crotch but as I am nine foot eight and weight over seven hundred pounds I wasn't that concerned. Lo and behold these twenty guys appear out of an alleyway and demand that I hand over my money "or else!" I was all like "ssshyeah, right!" and I just kept walking and one of them shot me in the head with a gun. I guess it was the adrenaline or something because I didn't feel it, and just kept walking with my brains hanging out the front of my face like the stuffing from your daughter's favourite teddy bear because you ripped a hole in it because your wife left you. Then I flew backwards through time and killed all those guys before they were even born.
(The Turgid Dahlia, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 5:21, Reply)

This isn't a very funny story really,
but it only happened today, and I am feeling sorry for myself.
In broad daylight some nasty wanker Spanish chav types drove up behind me on a moped and tried to take my bag from my arm.
I didn't put up a fight, I just didn't exactly realise what was happening, and so didn't let go of it. This meant I got dragged along a bit till they let go, and the force of that sent me flying across the dusty gravel.

Police were called, and I got taken to the hospital and had to have x-rays in case I had broken my ribs.
Luckily all I got were lots of grazes, a bump on the head, and a nasty pulled muscle in my back. But my god it smarts.
Pictures here.

But on the bright side, the fuckers didn't get my bag, I got to go in the back of a police car and have people look at me like I was the most unlikely criminal they'd ever seen, and I got to go in a wheelchair. A wheelchair!! That bit was quite fun really.
( rosie posie tingly bongly, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 4:45, Reply)

Well
I once mugged myself.
Then wrote myself a little pop ditty about it.

Mike Skinner
(bobthebluenose, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 1:53, Reply)

Not mugged as such...
But very nearly.

I fancied a new game for the PS2, so I went into town & went into one of the many game shops.

Had a look around, didn't see anything I fancied, so I left the shop & walked toward another game shop about 100 yards down the road, on the opposite side. It's about 5:00pm at this point, most of the shops are shutting around this time so there's not many people about, and to make matters worse it's starting to get dark.

Anyway, as I exited the shop, I saw 2 typical chav lads. One of said something to the other and they both began to walk toward me. I begin to walk down toward the other game shop as fast as I can without running. After about 5 seconds, one of them whistles, and tells me to stop, so naturally, I walk faster. This carries on until I reach the other shop. One of the lads comes into the shop behind me & comes up next to me & whispers in my ear that if I give them a pound each so they can get the bus home, they'll leave me alone. So I dig into my pocket to get it out, so they'll leave me alone, and the idiot says, and I quote:

"Nar mate, come outside & round the corner where no-one can see us & give it us then."

I thought "what the fuck?!" at this point and told him he can have it now or not at all, so he said "Right, I'll see you outside then..."

I'm bricking it at this point, so I go over to the shop owner and tell him I'm going to be mugged if I step outside, so the nice chap lets me out of the back exit of the shop.

I made my way home sharpish.

(Still got a game though! ^^')



Apologies for length
(Xstopher, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 1:34, Reply)

Arthmelow
me to dude me to, started with NTL n then moved to the knuckleshuffling Bulldogg n to top it of ima also on a 3G contract n ima first yr uni student!!! I dont see a silver lining to this cloud, do you??
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Council Estate Scum!
I was walking through the Ghetto of Burwell (small village) with my friend Nathan after a short drinking session. We went off in opposite directions back to our respective houses. Literally 10 or 15 seconds after he turned down an adjacent alley, I was jumped upon by a group of lads a year or 2 older than me (I was 15). There was about 5 of them, and at first I thought they were just messing around, since they jovially tried to wrap me in toilet paper. I broke free from my papery bonds and continued to walk away as fast as possible. I thought they'd gone, but as I walked across the road towards the streer I live on, one of them ran up behind me and kicked me, with great momentum, in the base of the spine. How this didn't injur me, I'll never know.
Anyway, after kicking me whilst down, I decided upon tactical retreat (ahem) and ran into a well lit area - a pub car park. There, they ringleader came up to me and demanded money/phone. For some strange reason (must be fate) I left my phone at home that night, which is VERY unusual - I never leave the house without it. My wallet had nothing but moths, too, since we'd spent it all at the Take-away. The only thing I had on me was one can of beer. I hurled it at his head and ran away very fast. For some reason they didn't persue.
Anyway I decided that me leaving my phone at was Divine Intervention or something.
The most unnerving part of the whole experience was hearing one of the lads shout in the background; "Drag 'im down there! [a dark alley]".
Fuck knows what they intended to do.

Oh and the most FRUSTRATING thing is the fact that if they attacked me in the company of my 5'1" friend Nathan, just 10 seconds prior to when they did, they would've been unpleasantly surprised to find that he's a Black-Belt in Tae Kwon Do.
(Dooley, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 21:15, Reply)

Just today, actually...
Lovely big drunken group of us heading for Middlesbrough station (alright, so some were drunk, some were off their face on God knows what else) and we were getting hassled by some little knobcheeses on bikes. You know the sort, half your height (and I'm only 5'3) and riding straight towards you saying 'I've got no brakes' before stopping a few feet away. We thought we'd thrown them off a bit later when one rode past and snatched my phone from my hand.
My phone (brand new and bright pink) is my pride and joy, so I was obviously shocked, but fortunately my mate was quicker than me and threw her full Coke bottle at him. It smacked him straight on the side of the head, knocked him off his bike, and sent my phone flying.
I could hardly run like hell for laughing, but we got both the phone and Coke back :)
(and now for someone completely different, Sun 18 Jun 2006, 21:10, Reply)