Bloody animals...
I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'the conversation' on a Sunday morning, I decided to clear off out of the flat to give us both a bit of space, and went to meet my mum and dad at their very civilised Sunday lunchtime drinking hole. Thinking I would get tender loving care.

Oh no.

The 'rents were fine, but the family dog (a large labrador)got a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at large. There was no need for that in my emotionally vulnerable state.

There was also no need for my mum and dad to burst out laughing, thereby drawing attention to the fact that I was desperately trying to untangle the dog from my clothes and put myself away (whilst trying not to cry).

There was certainly no need for the pensioner in the corner to raise his glass to me and doff his cap...
(clapper, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:41, Reply)

Old Woman Conspiracy
Throbbe, is there an old woman conspiracy to leave injured youngsters to their fate? and do they all have dogs, if yours was a Scotty I'm sure somethings up... It could be worse though, they could sing Dido.


And should this be question of the week?
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:32, Reply)

Party
I was at a mates house party (Phillip), in a small village, so the plan was to sleep over at another friend (Mary) in the same village. Party is going good, I'm getting very drunk and enjoying it rather well, some people I hadnt seen in a while and several new people to talk to.

Sometime after midnight Mary isnt enjoying herself and decides she wants to go home, and as I'm staying there I'll have to go as well. Oh well I'll only miss the last couple hours of the party, mildly annoying but no biggee.

Couple of days later talking to Phillip. He asks me if I remember Jo, said yep, was talking to her a bit, seemed quite nice.

It so happens that at end of party she was after a shag, and was wandering around asking for me. Guaranteed shag and I'd left. Cue loads of swearing.

Girth, length, neither got used that night
(loquis, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:31, Reply)

No Need
I went to casualty blooded after coming off my bike in Richmond Park.

There was no need for the fat Chav mum in Kingston hospital to say I was disgusting for walking in covered in blood and dripping everywhere.

There was no need for nurses then to clean the gravel out of the jelly layer under my skin with a scouring pad either.
(carlspick profile? Dunne, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:29, Reply)

Oh this happenes to me all the time
Doing graphic design at uni, in the last week b4 hand in i always try and get things printed off at least 3 days b4 handin. Now there is always problems at printers (have to go to special prining shops as uni is an arse)

Anyways a couple of months ago the printers I was releying on had suddenly closed down and locked up the day i needed them, so the next day (day of hand in monday) I had to get them done at trebble the price, halft the quality and had only an hour or 2 to get 3-4 hours of work done (mounting and labeling)
Somehow was going to make the target with 30 minutes to go, I was cutting some card with a scalple knife when *oops* cut chunk of my finger off. Oh, not bleading (staring at large chunk of finge ron work) then its like a fucking fountain all over my newly printed work. So the only way to stop it is to shove said finder in mouth and just ask for medical assistance and if i can hand it in tomorrow.
As I spoke to lecturer (who was looking at other work) i was about to faint, she looked like she couldnt care less and told me to get a plaster she supposed as blood was dribbling outta my mouth.

Had a huge fucking bandage on my finger (done by a girl who had no idea what she was doing covered in cuts herself) and had to drag my bloodstained stuff home. Got a load of marks taken off (d-) and my finger took fucking ages to heal and stop hurting/bleeding.

My life officialy sucks
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:26, Reply)

Working for a vet at work experience..
I was invited to watch all the open surgery and so on, which I did with great interest. Cue a dog coming in. Cue the vet putting the dog on the table and knocking it out with some happy gas. Cue the vet sticking his gloved finger knuckledeep in the dogs arse in some attempt to find a gland of some description that needed removing.

If this didn't make me feel sick, the blood and shit that abruptly began spurting at short, regular intervals, down the vet's front, most certainly did.
( Pineapplez, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:23, Reply)

We see dead people...
A fellow paramedic was called to a non-urgent case at a GPs rooms to transfer a “sick person” to hospital. When he got there he found the unattended patient was in cardiac arrest. Colleague naturally starts the whole adrenaline, CPR, defibrillation routine and is admonished by the doctor (referred to by us as “Dr Death”) who says that the patient has terminal cancer and should not be resuscitated. Colleague refuses to stop until a current DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order is produced. Dr Death hasn’t got one and proceeds to argue with my colleague (now, there was no need for that.)
A second doctor walks in, looks at the patient and says “Oh this is Mr XYZ – the guy whose cancer went into remission last year”.
Dr Death is embarrassed and starts arguing with the second doctor (now, there was no need for that.)

Patient eventually responds to treatment and is transported to hospital (urgently, but no sirens) fully regaining consciousness on the way there. He is unaware that he arrested and thinks that he just “passed out” at Dr Deaths’ – my colleague decides not to tempt fate and doesn’t tell him what actually happened (anxiety after a cardiac arrest is not a good thing…)
Patient asks what the time is and when told is confused by the time lapse and says “What took the ambulance so long to get to the doctors?” (now, there was no need for that.) Colleague replies rather tongue in cheek that any time delay was due to a cardiac arrest he had just been to – still not telling the patient it was actually him that arrested.
On arrival at hospital the patient is told what actually happened and says “Well, I’m just lucky that I was at the doctors then – he saved my life” (now, there was no need for that.)
Dr Death then phones the hospital to see how the patient is doing and the patient speaks to him on the phone and is heard thanking him for saving his life – it’s clear that Dr Death says nothing to the patient that’s lets him know it was the paramedic who saved him (now, there was no need for that.)


Here is the punchline: About a week later, my colleague and his partner are invited to see the Assistant Commissioner regarding this case – they are expecting a big pat on the back for doing such a good job. No such luck – a complaint was received from the patient regarding the “rough ride in the ambulance on the way to hospital” and he wants an apology from the crew – now, there was no need for that so he didn’t get one.


This is the kind of shit that causes most stress in this job – not the traumatic stuff you would expect.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:20, Reply)

I was a youngun (around 9 or 10)
on a class excursion to France, where we partook in the most jaggedist, altetudiest of pasttimes, rock climbing. Once I had scaled to the top, absailing was now the objective. I called to mind the words of my older brother; 'just do massive leaps like spider-man', and so, on my first kamikaze dive downward, slammed chest first into the rockface, causing a broken rib. On the ground below through my tears and feeble attempts to not make a scene, i mewed 'no,ahmfine,honestleyahmok' *wheeze* *grimace*, but it was not enough. Cue an unneeded ambulance whipping me round France for an hour til we get to the nearest hôpital.

To top it all off, when i arrive the frogs decided to strap me down to a cold metal table, despite me cooing this was all needless. Them blatantly ignoring me started to get me riled up, which in turn got them riled up, so they told me to 'wéélácks'. They then proceeded inject me with god knows what, IN MY WRIST. Ow. Ow. Ow. Cue a not very injured youth screaming and cursing as the medical populace of northern France held me down. Then they did the other wrist. PORQUOI?! MERDE!

Though my length may not have been that big at the time, it is now...slightly bigger. Mwah.
(Moo Lefty Drinking From His Own Udders since, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 14:03, Reply)

3 years ago i was on work experience
in a hospital operating theatre.
Watching all the ops was fun. Made me choose my career. but i was disturbed by one thing. The choice of music that the surgeons listened to.
There was Nick Berry's - Heart Beat,
Bee Gees classics like tragedy and Staying alive. And many more. each to their own i say.
( Sellers funkie not junkie, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:57, Reply)

I was in the job centre once
when their piped music system came up with "dead end street" by the kinks. A highly depressing song about unemployment and poverty.

lyrics here
(teasus likes tea, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:51, Reply)

re another crap job
Warner Lamberts boiled sweets factory. radcliffe Manchester

It was a summer student type job and the pay was good but...
1) 10 hour shifts of putting bags of sweets into cardboard boxes.
2) Working with old women who were paid on a production bonus so they would go totally fucking mental if you accidently packed 300 bags into the wrong box / came back from tea break 15 mins late.
3. You had to wear clothes provided by the company that were %100 Nylon. These combined with the static build up on the sweet machines meant that you got massive static shocks every time you reached for a new bag.

And (no need bit) our ear defenders had radios in them and 'Midnight at the Oasis' by Brand New Heavies was on every hour. I fucking hated that song before I started the job, nevermind after hearing it 10 times a day for 3 months.
(ganglepin, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:48, Reply)

The heartless wench
When I was at uni I was swimming a fair bit (4 times a week) for the local club. As a result, many beers with other swimmers.

Fast forward a couple of months and I've a new girlfriend and as is custom, proceed to do introductions to friends. She gets off on the fact that swimmers on the whole have pretty good musculature round the shoulders. Anyway, I introduce her to my closest mate, who also happens to be a swimmer. No jealousy on my part as she loves the Wutherington-Assarts' part.

After new year it was another friends birthday and lots of people were there getting royally wasted on wife-beater and shit loads of vodka.
At the end of the evening she decided that she didn't want to have anything more to do with me. Fair enough, shit happens.

But there was no need for her to get off with my (now ex-) closest mate in front of me.

No complaints about the length or girth.
(Tibbins, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Please make it stop!
My wife gave birth to our first child two weeks aog. She's a (beautiful) big baby (9 pounds) and my wife's having to recover from a C-Section, plus all the emotional ups and downs, plus antibiotics, plus feeding etc etc. To make matters far worse, my oh so generous in-laws are still in he house "helping out". Both of them. Mother-in-law spends all the time telling us how to do thing, father-in-law spends the day lying on the sofa and drinking beer. could it be worse? yes. They're spanish, speak no English and have the kind of accent that'd make you want to run screaming.
(DustyD, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Raleigh "Chopper"
To while away the long holidays from school my mates and i would ride our beautiful Raleigh Bikes. We had a very large hill next to my house and the game was to ride down it without braking...getting a little cocky i decided to let my mate go down the bank with me riding on his "stunt pegs" no sooner had we set off, one of the stunt pegs snapped and I fell...straight into the space between the back tyre and the frame. Bollock first. A nasty injury you may think but what made it worse was walking back up the bank carrying the bike with my nuts firmly trapped and swollen (the walk akin to John Wayne riding a horse...with bum grapes) As if that wasnt enough cue my Dad coming out with a spanner to take the wheel off to free my trapped appendage (whilst my mates snigger and my Dad tells them off for laughing)
(martin_bell, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:28, Reply)

Evil women
I got married.
Then the baby came.

Then she came home from Tesco's with Dido's second Album.

Life is such a torment.
(ganglepin, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:20, Reply)

Not even close to being first : - (
Bah, completely forgot to be champion of everything.

My no need for that was three days after my GF had given birth to our nipper. It was about 11.30 at night and GF was complaining of stomach cramps. I assumed this to be a normal part of post birth trauma and not having slept for about three days was a bit out of order called her 'a pain in the arse' and went to sleep. Cue being awoken an hour later by GF insisiting we go to hospital. Turns out she had a rather nasty uterus infection and had to be hospitalised for three days.

Whoops

Still paying heavily for that one.

edit: MR ROB beware of the tired mother she is not to be antagonised.......
(myohmy, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:16, Reply)

crap job
I was in a job i pretty much hated from day one. Boring and to make it worse, they were all a bunch of snobs. I was already clinging onto the desk to stop me from walking out. Anyway, bloody chair breaks and i bang my head, bloody hard, on the table. Anyway, staggered upstairs to put it in the accident book. Get the bitch of a manager to sign who then proceeds to say 'Silly girl' in a really not nice way.

Lets put it this way. I didn't come back from lunch.

'Sorry about the length'.....yep,have heard that one often
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:16, Reply)

Unnecessary twatting
Saturday night, in the club, in our younger & more carefree days:

Chris is pissed up, and gets into an argument with the guy whose girlfriend he has been secretly shagging. Said guy makes his feelings clear by twatting Chris - who being hardly able to stand anyway, decides discretion is the better part of valour.

Chris's mate sees this, and comes over ready to twat the offender. However, once the reason has been explained, he reckons 'fair enough'; everyone calms down & they are all about to shake hands.

Cue Stuart emerging from the bogs.
"What's going on?"
"That guy just twatted Chris."

Stu wades straight in & decks the offender; and it all kicks off good style.
(simon shitting mason, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:10, Reply)

dodgy pulling tactics
My mates at a club....bloke walks up, trying to pull em, then out he says 'now lets not turn this rape into a murder'

Er..just no need.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:09, Reply)

Playing football at school
Had a particularly crunching tackle with the school fat bloke which ended up in me writhing around in agony on the floor. Cue lots of shouting and I'm carted off to hospital with a broken leg.

What subsequently happened was the teacher awarded fat bloke a free kick. Fat bloke launches a net ripper, wins the game and knocks my team out the tournament.

I mean, it's not like I was going to play again that season (plaster cast and all), but the result was just cruel.
(Chumphry, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Not Me but a friend......
Who was a long haired mettler, Unfortunatly had managed to get a bad case of blood poisioning, which then caused his hair to fall out (somthing to do with the stress that his body was going through). And to top it all off in his weakend state (the drugs they gave him where one above elephant tranqs) he fell off the sofa whale reaching for the remote and broke his wrist.

Oh how we laughed.

He's never seen the funny side tho.
( caffeinefreak, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 13:05, Reply)

Cracking!
During a camping trip, one of my companions fell off a chain swing during a particularly daring stunt. He fell about six or so feet, landing on his arm, resulting in a crack that scared the birds from the trees.

Gazing in horror at his horribly deformed forearm, thoughts turned to 'we should get an ambulance' to which one of the gang laughed "Why? He hasn't broken his legs!"

No need, Kingy!

Our injured friend had to have an operation on his arm that night...ouch!
(Green-Alsatian, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 12:37, Reply)

Fear Of Baths
When I lived in Manchester I stayed in a crazy flat in Moss Side with a bunch of evil nutters.

One day I was having a long,hot relaxing bath. I had the lights off, candles on and soothing music playing and I gently drifted in a blissfull haze. Now the door to the bathroom didn't have a lock on and my head was right next to the door. Suddenly the door flew open and a hand flashed through and dropped cat straight on my bollocks! Cat/Water/Bollocks=Immense pain. There was no need for that!

I remain,as usual,
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Pissing off teachers...
A couple of years back when I was about 15, my rather bitchy, yet rather hot German teacher had gone out on the sixth form leaving do and got rather hammered. She ended up sleeping with one of the English teachers in the hotel that night...which of course, everybody instantly knew about. Cut to about 3 weeks later when my mate James brings the subject up in class... To which the teacher replied "I don't want to talk about it. I'm just annoyed that it's spread so quickly"

There was no need for me to reply "Do you mean the rumour or your legs?"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Broken Jaw
After having my jaw broken by a drunken arsehole, I couldn't drink alcohol or eat solids for something like 8 weeks.

My friends choose that night to throw a massive barbeque which I had to attend and watch them all consuming vast quantities of steak and beer whilst I could only sob quietly to myself and curse cruel Fate for the hand she had dealt me.

I did drink in the end though.
(chocolatepossum, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 12:15, Reply)

Now there's no need for that...
I was having a mole removed from my wrist. For this they lie you on your back and make you put your hand or your chest. Just so you can watch I guess. Not only did they put on the radio to "relax me", but as the quack said "I'm just making the first incision...", Queen came on the radio with "Another One Bites The Dust". There's no need for either, thank you, when someone's chopping bits out of my arm.
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 12:02, Reply)

On an A-level...
geography field trip in leeds, we happened to be walking through chapeltown, I'm bricking it as I know how bad and rough chapeltown can be, this was a month or so before an elderly gent got pulled out his car and dragged along and killed by said car, when the guy jacked it. The elderley gent was lost and had only asked for directions.

Anyway we were doing some crap about 'urban degredation' for the human geography side of our course. Just as two of the meanest, biggest black guys walk past us, my mate Martin spies a laundrette called continental dry cleaners, he then pipes up

"eh, shouldn't that be ETHNIC CLEANSING?!"

Cue two twitching huge mean black guys, some furious looks from two other lads over the street, and me anticipating to have a capped popped in mine and martins crown.

Thankfully didn't happen, and thankfully pre-Dido. But still no need.

Apologies for length, girth, bend, tilt, flavour, odour and associated discharge.
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:59, Reply)

On a skiing holiday with a mate
He fell ill on the last day and was taken to hospital in a flashing ambulance. Upon being admitted a large nurse with a 'tasche proceeded into his room and stuck her finger up his arse.

She pulled the finger out and sniffed it. There was really no need.

(Apparently it's to check for internal bleeding, so, there was a need, but I think he really would have rather died.)
(Dave_of_the_Dead, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:33, Reply)

I was circumcised at an embarassingly late age
and tried to tell everyone at school the reason that I'd been in hospital was to have my appendix out. One lunchtime, I wandered a bit too near to the fields where we played football and got hit right on my already sore and bloodied bell-end. As if having many stitches in my John Thomas wasn't enough. And I had to pretend that it was just a normal 'football in goolies' incident, though the tortured screaming might have made a few people a bit suspicious.

I won't apologise for the length as I've already had a bit lopped off.
(Reverend Jim de Licious, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 11:24, Reply)