New game
Take a headline and "Daily Express-erise" it. Here's one, though it is on the Daily Mail site, you get the idea.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1196726/Boy-14-banned-school-having-moustache--father-says-hes-young-shave.html

"Immigrant scum disrupts our schools and there's nothing you can do about it"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:34, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the DiT Awards for Funny Things I Heard on The Street, 2009.
May we say, at the start, that there has been a veritable slew of entries this year, ranging from the sublime "if you were menna put it in there, it wun't 'urt, would it?" to the ridiculous "all I'm saying is, right, that custard is better than jam".

This years award, however, goes to Unspecified Road Works Man A who, after weeks and weeks of doing sod all on Marshalsea Road, SE1, suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs from the cab of his JCB: "OI! ANDY!" (pause for effect) "YOU'RE.... GAY!"

*applause*

What other honourable mentions do you have?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:26, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

weather
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8128382.stm

It makes you wonder what "elderly and other people at risk from the heat" do in Mediterranean countries. Or in parts of Australia.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 13:15, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Favourite albums?
Which are the ones you keep coming back to like an old pair of comfy slippers?

Mine in the reply.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 12:30, 60 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

No shit?
www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/michael-jackson/5706071/Michael-Jackson-not-biological-father-of-his-children.html
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 1 Jul 2009, 11:10, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I really want to know how many people are going to go for this
www.michaeljacksonlive.com/refunds.php
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 10:46, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today's hugely important question
I can tell you've all been waiting for this with baited breath. If you could change one thing from your past to improve your future, what would it be? And no 'Oh I'd buy stocks in google' or 'I'd kill my boss at birth' type crap.

I'd have started my vet nurse training as soon as I finished film school, because although my degree has no relevance to what I do now, I really enjoyed doing it and I wouldn't have been ready to start nurse training as soon as I finished school.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 10:34, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Please don't blow up my house :(
What have you been asked to do (or refrain from doing) today?
( Captain V, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 10:33, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone know any silly jokes?
What's green, has got 8 legs and swings from tree to tree?

Tarzan the snooker table.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 9:53, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Prom pics
Just looking at my eldest son's prom pics from last year and one of his classmates looks exactly like Jim Davidson from when he was on New Faces in 1974.

Did you or any of your kids go to school with a racist homophobic 'comedian' who has inexplicably been in showbiz for far too long?

Did you sit next to a Bernard Manning look-a-like perhaps?

Edit: Though somewhat annoyingly I can't find a reference picture.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 9:48, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

New Photo on my profile.
Go on, touch me inappropriately. You know you want to.

EDIT: WARNING - Severe risk of Teh Fear.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 9:32, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Decisions
This morning, while brushing my teeth, I decided what song I want played at my funeral. (A better son/daugter by Rilo Kiley : Lyrics)

Pick a question
What music do you want played at your funeral?
What decisions have you made recently?
( Captain V, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 9:07, 98 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Someone I don't recognise has added my band to their friends on myspace
Pretty sure they are from here, and that I will feel stupid as I realise I know who they are.

Gaz me if it is you. In theory, you should know who you are.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 8:39, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Our B3ta team on dossergame is doing very well
but we could do with some more members. Anyone interested in helping us become the top tramp gang? Free glass of meths?

www.dossergame.co.uk to become a member. Then Gaz me for the gang password.

Serious members only, pets allowed, no children, no DHSS.
( Peej, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 7:43, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just made a terrible curry.
I have cooking skillz, but this turned out shit.
What have you been disappointed in lately?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 4:57, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Leaving dogs in the back of cars
HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN PEOPLE GET!!

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8126382.stm

*Fumes*
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 30 Jun 2009, 23:55, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So while I've been running around a dojo and twatting people with swords for the last two hours
what the fuck have you lot been doing?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 23:13, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Alan Mother Fucking Johnson - What a fucking cunt.
What is it with the Home Office? Every single person that becomes Home Secretary seems to be taken out the back and turned into a card carrying facist cunt. And I'm not using that term lightly.

So now, that fucking smarmy cunt prick is proposing to make it impossible for me to leave the country without having all my personal details stored on the National Identity Register as part of my passport application.

Why is it still illegal to cut his fucking balls off and stuff them down his throat until he dies of extreme ball chokage?

It makes me so fucking angry. And not in an amusing, lets get ANGRY on the internet way, in a serious, this is a real threat to our present idea of liberty, kind of way.

Who's with me now? Let's march on Whitehall and cut his dick off and then make Gordon eat it with a small onion salad. Brothers and Sisters, together we CAN make a difference. Say it loud! Say it proud! I'm generally apathetic about most things and kind of disagree with you up to a point but i'm not really gonna do anything about it and i'm PROUD
(Bazongaloid, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 22:33, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Validate me with your attention, internet


Please look at stuff I done by clicking there and looking.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 21:45, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

7/7 Conspiracy Theorists
By Zeus, I am angered by these people. That is all.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 21:20, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today I've been reminded why I hate going swimming.
I got changed and into the pool and it was packed.

Why can't the receptionist tell you it's busy. I'm on my own and quite obviously not going in to dive bomb the children and piss about. I just want to swim up and down without having to stop every bloody minute.

I managed about 10 minutes of actual non-stop swimming and then gave up and left. I was going to complain but there was a big queue.
( girlinthehole, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 20:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's UNDERPANTS time !
In honnor of me being in my underpants, I'm going to show you my new piece of bling; A masturbating monkey.

I found it while going through some of my dad's old stuff, it's great, the arm even moves up and down !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 19:38, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm back from the wilderness folks!
I know you're all pleased to see me after such a long break. I'll try and whip up some salacious lies for QOTW.

For now tell me a secret.
(Stiff Richard, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 19:00, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Show and tell
What charmingly odd websites have you found recently?

www.tamponcrafts.com/
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 16:51, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just found a new hobby
For the last half-hour, at intervals I have been playing random farmyard animal noises down the phone on my conference call. There's about 20 people on and after each one there's an odd silence, but no-one's actually said anything yet... and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

What things have you found hysterically funny today?
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 16:01, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's your dysfunction then?
www.cracked.com/article_17522_6-new-personality-disorders-caused-by-internet.html

I would say I'm number 3.

Although Beckyletters would say I'm probably all of them.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 30 Jun 2009, 15:45, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm UNBELIEVABLY angry

(Bazongaloid, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 14:53, 110 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's so nice out today
and with me stuck in this here office, I decided to go to the post office to buy some polos. Sugar free ones actually. In a moment of overheated and dehydrated spontaneity, I asked for the Number 11 Scratchcard - the Monopoly one.

The woman surprised, asked "The £5 one??, to which I replied "Five pound!? Give me number 12 instead.." - the National Lottery one, at a mere £2.

This moment of fortune quickly came to fruition when it was revealed that I had won £18!

What fortune has befallen upon your lap lately?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 14:41, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just filled in my own P45
My boss gave me a magnum of champagne this morning.

As desperate as I am to leave, I'm starting to feel quite sad that I'll miss the place.

Could someone kindly tell me to MTFU and get over it; I have a long enforced holiday to enjoy ahead of me until I get a job!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 14:40, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday I missed my B3taday
Unfortunatly this was due to me having to go out and do work.

What has work made you miss?

Or...

What important occasions have you missed in general?
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 13:44, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)