Orange Fluffeh for the Morning
'morning all.

My morning was brightened up when I wandered down to the kitchen and spotted an enormous Orange Kitteh (ginger cat) snooping round the garden of my new abode. This pleased me. Whilst I would like to get acquainted with this source of Fluff, I have to be careful as one of my housemates is allergic to cat hair.

So...should I just restrict myself to molesting the cat outside of the house, or should I drive out my flatmate in favour of someone else's cat?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 9:32, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good morning!
It's tuesday, so I've lost my "L" plates. What should I do to celebrate this momentus occasion? I'm thinking something with a sea bass and a black leather glove.

Edit I haven't lost my L's. Bugger. So the question changes to what should I do when I do lose them?
(stimpy, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 8:16, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Alright, which one of you was it?
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/feedarticle/8728510
I can keep a secret ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 20:28, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Monday evening. At least the worst part of the week is over.


If you could only wear one outfit you own for the rest of your life, what would it be?
( Maladicta, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 19:38, 67 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

well, he's out#1
finally! just back from hospital after a few days in due to various complications, but the micronutrient was born at 11.25 pm on saturday, weighing just under 9lbs (8lbs 15 and a half oz!). forceps delivery, which was, um, fun. means baby has some lovely cuts and bruises on his head, looks like a wee boxer. pethidine didn't work, first epidural failed after 4hours, second one was WONDERFUL!

he's called Oliver, and hasn't stopped screaming since he was born, so is clearly mine...

thanks for your very b3tan support last week!
( ascorbate, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 18:28, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This just in.
I just guffed on my girlfriend's knee. She found the burbling tickle to be sensual. Is this normal?
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:45, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

well nice knowing you people...
I am off to prison - or having various limbs removed very soon... terah!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Damn it Vit C
tell us how you are, I'm getting worried now!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:28, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It really is sickeningly quiet in here
Tell me, what's the one thing about your partner that disturbs, annoys or pisses you off the most?

If you're single, ha! -but post here and I'll register you with the Monkeysex Dating Agency^tm we'll have you knocking boots with some old slapper in no time. GUARANTEED
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:18, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I see you standing there
you think you're so cool

why don't you just fuck off?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 14:34, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quiet in here, innit?
I've seen more life in a tramp's vest.

Anyway... so, Newcastle beat Ipswich at the weekend. I watched game on the TV, and was amused to hear the Newcastle fans chanting, very obviously to Mike Ashley (to the tune of The Beach Boys "Sloop John B")

"Get out of our club,
Get out of our cluuuub,
You fat fucking bastard,
Get out of our club".

Strangely enough the commentary seemed to get even more banal as the commentators battled to drown out / detract attention away from the chanting. Well it was 6pm and there were probably kiddies watching and stuff.

Live telly. Broadcasting inappropriate pre-watershed language for your viewing delight.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 14:13, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I was just about to add a post
when I spotted this 'Please think twice before adding line breaks -- your post will be skipped over if it looks too spread out or is a wall of text'

When did we start getting tips on how not to be crap on Off Topic? -post your suggestions for tips you'd like to add to the list here
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:15, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Speed
A few years back, my brother spanked a few hundred quid on a formula one kart - a rapid 250cc engine welded to a frame with the usual configuration of wheels, steering and pedals. It had the same power-to-weight ratio as a proper F1 car up to 100mph, and I don't mind telling you it scared the fuck out of me because it was so phenomenally fast.

What's the fastest you've ever been on the ground?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 12:09, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 8:30, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Keith Floyd and Viv Stanshall...
seperated at birth!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 1:47, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wotcha Off Topic
How are we all? I've had a weird weekend - graduated on Friday and then tonight went on a blind date set up by my friends girlfriend with a girl who turned out to be a die-hard BNP supporter.

How was your weekend?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 22:22, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's been a good day
wrote and recorded a rock/metal section to my project which turned out quite nicely and was recorded surprisingly error free.

In honour of the galloping guitar and 3 part harmonies I watched the Iron Maiden documentary Flight 666 this evening which was excellent. I highly recommend it to anyone, not just fans of Maiden.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 22:08, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm stumped
I'm trying to find some sort of open source (read: free) music visualization generator that runs in real time that I can manipulate with my musical keyboard (read: I play notes on the keyboard, and the visualization reacts to it)

Maybe I'm just being a mong and typing in the wrong things, but I honestly can't find one.

What have you all spent Sunday attempting to do but failing spectacularly at?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 20:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I would like to know
why Poppet wont be friends with Al. I'm procrastinating for a little while and have just read through the more interesting posts on here and it really seems to me that they could be good friends. I mean think about it, they both love to debate subjects, they share an interest in the cricket, science and are certainly animal lovers. He's extended several olive branches and thrown some doves of peace into the mix which I think is a mighty fine thing to do. So why the reluctance on her part I wonder? Is it really so hard to make friends on here? This IS Offtopic where everything sparkly and fluffy is attainable afterall.

What would you, the internet like to know and why?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 20:01, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today's motoring awards
The awards committee have been very busy today, oh yes. Firstly, the "not a motor vehicle, but deserving of an honourable mention" award goes to the two cyclists who adopted a policy of "let's ride side by side and ignore the queue of cars behind us for several miles through a village because we're cool". The "trucker's co-operation" award goes to the three trucks and two caravans, none of whom could go faster than 60mph, but all of whom decided to spend nearly ten motorway miles trying to overtake each other building up a queue worthy of rush-hour on the M4.

The "less lane discipline than a stampeding herd of cows" goes to the FedEx lorry. His outstanding failure to be in the correct lane means that this award doesn't feel like it goes far enough, but still, I'm sure he'll appreciate it. He managed to be in the turn left only lane of a motorway junction roundabout and spectacularly turned right - his utter ignorance of what was going on around him only serves to further justify this award. I counted four near accidents on his way around, and he gets the bonus prize for not using any form of indicators throughout the maneuver. However, he was able to lip-read the word 'cunt', which I felt only partially expressed my astonishment at his driving prowess.

The "Mr Magoo" award went to the ugliest Citroen I've ever seen. Despite being on the brow of a hill looking across the valley thus ensuring he had a good two miles worth of perfect visibility, he was able to not see the stationary traffic. I briefly prepared myself for a brown trousers moment that could have in fact led to something redder and more hospitalising, but he spotted the upcoming technical challenge at the last moment and managed to execute a fast change of lane or two and avoid parking his car in the back of mine or the car in the lane next to me. It would be wrong for this award to go to anyone else.

Finally, the "Fuck everyone else" award goes to the mini-bus who sat in the outside lane doing a steady 50mph on the motorway seemingly oblivious to the rest of the traffic. Some daring motorists engaged in a little light Sunday inside overtaking including a motorbike that did it at such speed that he gets the "I'll be dead by Christmas" award. In the end, someone undertook me, pulled in in-front and was considerably more forceful with light flashing that eventually led to what turned out to be an OAP driver finally moving into the inside lane. I briefly spotted him move back to the outside lane in my mirror - hence all the other fucknuggets that day with fuck all idea of what lane they should be in pale into insignificance due to this one.

Thank fuck it's nearly wine-o-clock.

What has ground your bones, sunk your boat or burnt your temper today? If your day has been jolly and your temper is fine, feel free to recommend which colour wine I should drink.

Fuck me, the words, folks, the words.
(Deadly Octopus no deaths since, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 17:14, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey, true story.
I just improved my reading rate from 230 words per minute to 836 words per minute, on my first go!!!

Wouldnt believe this would work, but it bloody well did. Give it a try yourself.

www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/07/30/speed-reading-and-accelerated-learning/

Also, what are you lot having/had for Sunday lunch?
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Sep 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Does this remind you of anyone?
news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149939213
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 14:49, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So the Autumnal Equinox has been and gone, roll on the Solstice!
In the meantime...have a suitably seasonal HSH!

( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 27 Sep 2009, 7:47, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have just had an awesome two days
on Catalina Island/! 2 days of sun, tours and fun with my honey and his daughter who is finally turning into a young woman, instead of a spoiled little bratty fuck! Off fishing tomorrow so no interweb access for a week - have a good week b3tans!!!!!

My best friend is looking after Stealth (and Bomber) while I'm away. My friends rock!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 4:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Ahoy hoy.
Tomorrow, I have every intention of buying a cheap acoustic guitar and twanging away like a mong on it until I get bored.

What's happening with the rest of your weekend?
( Maladicta, Sat 26 Sep 2009, 23:41, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Any news of Vit C?
If she is reading this then I'm thinking of you.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 26 Sep 2009, 12:41, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I passed ;)
Had a nice examiner, 4 minors. Fuck. Yes.
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sat 26 Sep 2009, 12:23, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Poetry
Just had a mail with examples of two line poems where the first line is quite romantic but the second line kicks the ring out of it. The lines must rhyme.My example:

If I were to lose you, life would really suck,
Unlike you, bitch, you ungrateful fuck.

Any contributions?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 26 Sep 2009, 12:16, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can I ask a "what are my rights" question?
We bought a fridge freezer from ebay and paid £80 delivery. It arrived yesterday and I let it stand. I've plugged it in and it trips the circuit breaker. I've checked the obvious stuff like plug, fuse and checked for damp. My electrician friend said sounds like and earthing problem so its probably fucked. Ebay guy claims to give a short guarantee which is extended to a 12 month guarantee if positive feedback is given (is this even legal). It was a brand new graded item. Still packaged but with a small dent in side. Sold as fully tested and working. Now guy is saying we have to send it back at our own cost which we just can't afford to do. We are saying he should arrange collection as he sold us a fucked freezer. Is there anything we can do?
( Peej, Sat 26 Sep 2009, 12:15, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)