No Smoking

I'm onto day 5 of my most determined ever effort to knock the old cancer sticks on the head.

Day one was easy (I was very hungover and unable even to think about smoking).

Days two and three weren't too difficult.

Yesterday I began to get a little cranky.

Today I'm positively sweary and having to bite my tongue for the sake of workplace diplomacy.

I'm not an angry person by nature, but I worry that if one more person leaves their phone ringing merrily away on their desk, they may come back to find a mess of plastic and wires where their phone had previously been.

Any handy hints or tips as to how I can keep both my calm and my job?
( Moey, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 10:57, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've done it again
I promise I will stop...or at least stop subjecting you lovely people to all of this...

Chickenlady - In Which Chickenlady Loses Her Composure



I've read this one...but I may re-do it as I'm not sure about the fart at the end.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 10:47, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm rather pissed off with myself for this but....
I've just remembered The Game.

Sorry
(Errorist, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 10:14, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

air morocco
hi everybody.....

am booking a trip to essaouira, morocco with some friends and the flights are proving to be a total bitch. the cheapest (and also the only possibility of direct flights) by quite some way are with air morocco and/or its subsidiary atlas blue.

however, having read reviews of these airlines, i am really really nervous about them! everybody says the planes should have been retired in the 1970's and they were terrified/bored/disgusted throughout the flight.

i don't want to pay BA £1,200 of my drinking money for the privilege, but then again, i don't want to die in mid-air either. has anyone here flown london-marrakech or casablanca, and is it as bad as everyone seems to think??????

ta!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 10:12, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

worlds smallest b3ta bash tomoro
in Dublin - if any lurkers, stragglers, miscreants or ne'er-do-wells are watching but havent signed up, it would be nice to bolster numbers a little or gaz me if you're shy.

thanks
rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 10:06, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tragic, yet hilarious!
I've just read this story, and am puzzled as to how anyone could get it this wrong?

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7597500.stm

It's still bloody funny though!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 9:45, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

B3ta partys/gatherings seem to cause jollys and fun times
but are there any other B3tans in Cornwall who would be interested in one?
( Peej, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 9:22, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it Friday yet? :(

( wanderlust, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 8:00, 414 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Funniest thing in years!
Okay, I'm going to only post the short version on here, because I need to do a full write-up of this and share it in the normal QOTW board after the question changes, just so more people can appreciate it.

Tonight as I was leaving work a car horn sounded next to my car. Startled, I looked over to see a guy frantically gesturing me over.

He was a co-worker, a fellow engineer- in fact, the director of engineering, a guy well up the food chain- and he had managed to lock himself inside his car.

Yes, you read that correctly.

It turns out that his shiny new Corvette has door latches that work electronically, rather than mechanically. So if his battery is dead, his doors can't be opened.

The guy was pwn3d by his own car.

Priceless.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Sep 2008, 2:04, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So what do you lot talk about on here...
How gay it is?
( WormuIus, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 21:44, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just had a piss.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 21:24, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
A home for the evening perhaps?


(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 18:30, 140 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chapter Six
'Librarian Girl'

You came and you changed my world, just like in the movies...

ahem.

It is, as always, in the replies...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 17:22, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

come on in b3ta shoppers!
as you may know I'm doing up my bathroom

I need a mirror but haven't been able to find a nice one that fits my criteria.

If you can help I'd be grateful

It needs to be wall-mounted, no wider than 50cm

I'm after something with either no frame, a black frame or an oak frame. preferrably stylish. a cool etching on part of it would be ok.

give me your suggestions!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 16:18, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

you people know stuff and I don't: Adobe Illustrator
Let's face it, my true skills lie in talking crap and becoming embroiled in farcical sexual encounters.

Adobe Ilustrator. That CS3 one.

I have a file - let's call it logo.ai - and it's a white image and text on a black background. Now, I want the opposite. Well, actually, I want black image and text on a transparent background so I can put it on a t-shirt. "Edit colors - invert colors" would seem to be the idea, but that doesn't work, probably because I blundered into making the damn logo from scratch and I have no idea how I achieved it, other than I pressed some semi-familiar icons and made a concentrating angry retard face.

Catch is, it has to be a vector graphic, so .ai (in ye olde CS2 form) or .eps will please the t-shirt printers.

I know my way round GIMP, I write algorithms to manipulate pixels, and yet I can't for the life of me work out the completely non-intuitive Adobe Illustrator interface.

Can anyone...?

Er, hugs n' cakes n' all that shit.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 16:07, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

where is Bert Sexmonkey?
where is he? who is hiding him?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 13:34, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chappel Beer Festival - 10th -13th Sept
If anyone is interested in making the Chappel Beer Festival this year - note that I've already put it in the Calendar page - then here is the link to the list of beers.

www.essex-camra.org.uk/chappel/2008BeerList.HTM
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:35, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

QOTW Podcast
Following on from Pooflake's wonderful Threesome story
b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/post234191

I wonder how easy or hard it would be for a podcast to done....

Anyone have an thoughts or ideas?



*EDIT* I've done one! Woohoo!

A recording that is....

Chickenlady - Smile

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:35, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ken Campbell
For anyone who knows who he was will surely be as deeply saddened as I was to hear of his recent sudden death.

He was one of the last great British eccentrics, a genius playwrite and a wonderful actor. He was one of the most captivating and funny people I have ever met.

RIP Ken
(Errorist, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:35, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

London bash for the Loon now in Calender.
jelly.b3ta.com/calendar/event/16066


Go and sign in.....you know you want to you little tease.
( girlinthehole, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 8:31, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Vipros' Bathroom News at 6 minutes past 8
Last night saw the completion of the tiled area. Sealed all round and after a couple of days will be ready to use.

Unfortunately just before I went to bed I noticed that there was a bit of a puddle under the bath which I had filled to apply the sealant round the top....

that's right, my bath leaks. should just take the application of a shitload more sealant round the underside of the plughole, but still a pain in the arse!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 8:07, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shall we call here home today?
Morning folks!


( wanderlust, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 7:45, 318 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help Needed From The Vicious B3tards.
I'm creating a bunch of interactive avatars of Sarah Palin and need some help.

The current one shows your IP address and a wee message. I want to make the messages change with each refresh so I need some pithy, witty messages that slag off this Right-Wing religious nut-case.

I'm also after some decent source images of her, preferably holding a sign (where I can put my own messages.)

Please help.

Cheers




( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 5:43, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cooking
An idea has just popped into my head - a b3ta cook off.

Would be an absolute nightmare (potentially not feasible at all) to organise but the thought of lots of people who enjoy it cooking lots of scrummy food while those that don't ply them with drinks and offer shits and giggles followed by eating until everybody explodes sounds fun.

Would probably require at least one person to remain (reasonably) sober to stop something similar to
this happening.
( Captain V, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 22:08, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

BASH TIME!
Okay, folks, I'm gonna be on your side of the water the fourth week of September. I'll be there for a week visiting BGB. If we can get to London, are there folks willing to meet up? If so, what's your schedule like?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 2 Sep 2008, 20:25, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

First
post from a Google Chrome browser
( le brian, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 20:17, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right...
I'm here...
And cooking.

Time for a new sign.


( Cawl, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 18:34, 108 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

mistaspakkaman's big day out at the b3tabash
Here it is at last, my belated account of the Saturday 23rd August QOTW bash.

With just an hour to go before the start of the biggest b3ta-bash ever, I used my friend's Internet connection to log into b3ta. Such was my addiction I needed to check to see if anyone Gazzed me their mobile numbers. A few new phone-book entries and QOTW OT posts later, I was off.

The friend I was staying at suggested I take the bus to Victoria station and not bother with any fancy navigation that involved me getting off at an earlier stop. But I liked the challenge. Armed with a printed-out map, I spotted a bus stop with a familiar-street name, got off, and quickly found the way to the pub. It was a well-hidden pub in the quiet back streets of central-London, but it was not hidden enough for me.

With my feeling of pre-bash nerves beginning to rise, I walked inside. I looked around. It was very quiet, and with plenty of space to sit down. The pub had just the right ambience to host a get-together. There were the odd few people dotted around - some sitting on their own, and some in small groups. None of them looked like b3tans – they looked too old. I realised that I was the first to arrive.

FIRST!

It was 1:20pm. Contrary to what the website said, there was no food being served. It turned out that they only did food on weekdays. My over-eagerness to try out some fancy navigating meant that I had missed Victoria station and thus, my only chance to grab something to eat. I just settled for a packet of crisps and hoped it would keep my stomach lined until some of us decided to go out and get some food. Also got my first pint in while waiting.

The pub was very cosy and my nerves soon calmed down. Realising that I was first, I decided to leave a clue to let people know I was 'in da house' in case nobody recognised me (I'm not sure if anyone found it). Still nobody I recognised. Time to do some texting. While half way through my b3tan phone-book entries, I got a call from Ancrenne. She and Kaol had just arrived at Victoria Station and needed some help getting there. Using my printed out map, I told them what street to turn left at, and wished them the best of luck.

Someone then came up to me and said "Are you from b3ta?" It was Big Girl's Blouse. At last, the bash could begin. We got chatting for a bit, and then the others started gradually dribbling in. Because of my last minute asking for phone-numbers, I sort of ended up being a relay for people getting lost and announcing they'd be late. Got another phone call from Ancrenne. Turned out she and Kaol had gone just a bit too far (they had reached the river) so had to navigate them back.

More people were arriving. Some were instantly recognisable (e.g. Chickenlady), whereas some I only recognised by who they came with (e.g. PJM). I found that I was not one of the instantly recognisable ones, so when asking for names, I quickly got into the habit of saying "I'm <mistaspakkaman> AKA mistaspakkaman". This was getting a bit repetitive so I changed my introduction a bit; instead saying "I'm mistaspakkaman AKA <mistaspakkaman>". It turned out that I had made a good choice of username. I originally chose it because I registered an account just to post my first QOTW post and chose it because I couldn’t think of anything better, but it stuck with me and have grown fond of it, and now realise it's liked by the real-world b3ta masses.

Things were flowing smoothly, and I was talking freely amongst the circle of b3tans that had moulded itself round the table. One thing I quickly became good at was the dramatic pause. I knew just when to cerate a bit of suspense with a well-timed pause. "I was showing my friend some pictures of my..." I said. Before I could say "My trip to Chernobyl", Kaol interjected "my cock". I thought I could deliberately do a pause at just the right moment to set people up for lowering the tone (although in hindsight, I don't think I paused that long).

It wasn't long before our circle reached the critical mass where it was no longer possible to have a single conversation without people falling by the sidelines. The circle soon split up into something that resembled the Olympic logo. I was on the edge of things so soon fell out of the main conversation.

At first, people would just occasionally go out to smoke, but soon, there was a permanent presence outside. Being a non-smoker, I stayed in most of the time (I only remembered being outside for a bit during daylight when I saw the photos). If this trend continues into the winter b3ta-bashes, I'll have to find my squirty comedy-flower to discourage the smokers and make sure we were all inside.

It was at this point that my memory gets a bit hazy. I don't think I forgot much - it's just that time seemed to pass very quick. Maybe it just passes too quickly when in the company of b3tans. Or maybe my memory-loss was greater than I had imagined.

Someone (can't remember who) brought in an etch-a-sketch. At first, we posed for pictures with our usernames written out, but soon, the etch-a-sketch ended up serving the purpose it was built for - drawing CDCs. An etch-a-sketch only lets you draw in one colour so we couldn't use pink for our cocks. This quickly became tedious so we switched to the CDF instead. It was there that I discovered a shocking truth - most of the female b3tans have never looked at themselves in the mirror! I'm pretty sure the gap between the legs extends to the hairy bit.

And so, I had another chance to use the dramatic pause. I went over to Grandmasterfluffles and said, "I heard you..." This caused her to look worried for a bit until I said "got your black belt in Tae-Kwondo". The discussion on martial arts didn't last very long, and soon, we were talking about dire-rear, periods and other sanitary mishaps (not to mention sanity mishaps).

The Bitter was going down pint by pint. At this time, my memory starts to fail me, so I'll just use bullet-points.

· Captain Placid was playing his guitar at one point.
· We finally went out for grub. By now, I was so drunk that I ordered a large Kebab.
· When Rakky left, I tried to say goodbye to her but was stopped by Ancrenne. It turned out that Rakky was the worse for the wear after too many drinks, but in my drunken mind, I did not realise this immediately. I had faith in Ancrenne's judgement, but for a moment, I thought, "What on Earth does Ancrenne think I'm going to do to poor Rakky?" to myself.
· Ancrenne told me I should spend 70% less time worrying.
· I only realised Tourette's exposed herself when I saw it on someone's camera’s LCD display.
· Despite having spent most of the time sat down in the pub, I was outside for quite a bit at the end of the night when it was at its coldest.
· Ancrenne was giving underwear advice to Wellgroomedwookiee's friend.
· Me and DiT ended up talking to a passing bunch of Frenchies in French.

And so, as the Goat of Fate reached the Goat-Lover of Doom, it was time to call it a night. Contrary to popular belief, I was still one of the last ones standing. We made our way to Victoria station where we split up and went our separate ways. I jumped on a bus that went straight to where my friend was staying and got back OK. Gotta love them London busses at night!

In conclusion, it was a good night. As with the previous bashes, I easily came out of my shell and chatted freely with people, but also like the previous bashes, I didn't really get my 'character' out. This may be because as b3tans, we're all characters, and I would be but one in a sea of characters. Also, Many of us had already seen my posts so already knew what my mind was capable of coming up with, so I felt no need to show off. Wasn't sure if I was just laid back, my mind was drifting away, or if it was shyness in another form. But I was certain that I fitted in with the b3ta posse.

There were so many people there that the sheer number of people who turned up overwhelmed me. I did not have the chance to properly talk to everyone who came.

I did get drunk, but not too drunk. I didn't do anything embarrassing or regretful, but I do wish I had remembered more. Meeting up with all you lovely people is not an experience I would want to be erased with a giant mind-rubber. Maybe it was just that time passed far too quickly!

The venue was an excellent choice. Quiet enough not to have the conversation drowned out but capable of accommodating a lively b3ta bash.

It was nice to finally attach a real person to a b3ta username and their stories. I got to know several people's real-world names but because of my drunkenness, have forgotten quite a few. Also, if I promised to show you my ... website and you've not seen it yet, Gaz me in case I've forgotten.

For those who didn't make it: * hugs *
To be honest, I was so overwhelmed by the mass of b3tans who did turn up that I wouldn't have had much time to speak to you anyway. But there are other bashes on the horizon. Do come to a bash - we look better in real-life than we do on the photos.

Length? Looks better coloured in pink.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 15:04, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)