Now we know what Al's been up to.
Missing the goats?

Well done, they'll wonder why it all stopped when you return.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 8 Jan 2009, 16:07, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Goddammit, stupid fucking eye twitching!!
There appears to be no cure, so can someone at least explain it?

Why does the muscle beneath your eye occasionally go into spasms of little twitches? WHY?!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 14:12, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Here, nerds!
I'm away for a few weeks for a bit of deserved R&R.

Who'll replace me as somebody as a figure of big fat wobbly hate?
Take into account I still haven't got an idea who most of you are, but you seemingly know, or make up, much about me.
:(

Maybe by the time I've got back they'll have shut down QOTW as planned.
You're all welcome on /talk, where it's better, with less lies. No offence taken.

Anyway, moving on from that old topic. Yes, figure of hate.. Whom?
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 8 Jan 2009, 13:32, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bridal Salons
I found myself in one today (running an errand for my boss. Although I am indeed getting married in the summer I have yet to set foot in one).

Does anyone else find Bridal Salons creepy? Empty places all shiny surfaces and mirrors. And then all those big white dresses just floating there, like the long lost ghosts of somebody else's dreams.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 13:02, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Piss Pants
Thought about making this a QOTW post as it is sort of boredom at work related, but thought that wasn't quite playing the game.

With apologies for length etc, I give you another confessional.

In my days a stripling, while toiling away within the walls of the local C of E, I reckon I served under the banner pretty faithfully, my conduct and bearing being (on the whole) rather becoming of the better self. There was one notable occasion when I let the code slip however, and it remains particularly green in the memory.

It began one afternoon when I took a break from the customary playtime spazaround to take on water at the fountain in the boys’ toilets-cum-changing rooms, and found myself alone in there except for a forgotten pair of sports shorts hanging on a peg. Not a set-up that readily speaks of mischief I grant you, but it was enough to wake the sleeping fiend in me.

Unhooking these shorts, setting them afloat in the flowing urinal and pissing all over them for good measure was with me the work of a moment, and for a few seconds I was lost in a heady fog of my own naughtiness, face-a-glow and eyes-a-sparkle with impish delight. But these intoxicating mists soon cleared and I was left with a nasty feeling that what I’d done was perhaps a bit too French, and that unless prompt steps were taken through the proper channels, I’d be in the soup.

The only sensible thing I could think of was to find a teacher and start lying my head off, so this is exactly what I did, swiftly making a report of an ‘innocent discovery’ of the shorts-and-piss-trough outrage, and colouring the performance with a nice touch of moral indignation and offended sensibility.

The Headmaster took it big, and after narrowing the suspects down to the male half of my class (I forget how exactly), left us not uncertain of his displeasure, insisting through foam-flecked lips that we would stay in every break until someone owned up.

I decided to sit tight, especially as nobody suspected me, a fact that has never ceased to amaze. I mean it’s the old, old story isn’t it – he who smelt it dealt it and all that? But no, it seemed as though I was to be written out of this drama at the end of act one, which was fine with me. It meant the road to safety lay ahead – and if all they had to throw at me was a bit of silent detention – I was already tootling along it.

But nasty news was in the offing. The following day the Headmaster announced that we could forget Friday afternoon football if the culprit failed to come forward and I don’t mind admitting that this bulletin had much the same world-altering effect on me as an unexpected kick in the stomach from a seaside donkey. Believe me when I tell you I know. Things went black and sort of swam before me. Football, you see, was my thing, and I wouldn’t have missed it to please a dying relative. With an awful feeling of being caught in the machinery I now realised that I was the only person who could own up, and that if I didn’t, the ban would rumble on.

I didn’t much fancy revealing myself as the fiend in human shape whose hidden hand had caused all this break time captivity, and naturally recoiled from thoughts of all the askance looks and cold shoulders my fellow inmates would soon be hurling my way, but I had to put this out of mind. Now was the time to gird the loins, remember my fighting ancestors and let the preux chevalier in me prevail. It was time to confess.

It was nothing like I had imagined. No gnashing teeth. No frothing at the mouth. Not even a tapping foot or censorious finger waggle. And in place of the expected ‘shove him into a dungeon with dripping walls and see to it that he is well gnawed by rats’ was just a sotto ‘thank you’, so mild it even gave me the fortitude to ask if l could play football that afternoon (it was Friday by now). He said I could. Clouds parted, birds chirped, the sun shone and I revived like a watered flower, feeling never so strongly that God was in his heaven and all was right with the world.

Although I kept the details dark, I quickly ferried news about the lifting of the ban around the place, so was surprised that afternoon to find both changing room and pitch conspicuously empty of classmates (I wasn’t alone – there were three other classes that took football alongside mine). This left me a little mystified, but I’d had it straight from the Head that we could play, so just shrugged the shoulders and got on with it, scoring (if memory serves) a juicy hat trick into the bargain.

I would later discover that the absentees were still chained up in the classroom, copying out passages from the bible. The Head, wise to my enthusiasm for the beautiful game, didn’t buy a word of my confession and even thought it partially motivated by a desire to make a noble sacrifice in the interests of the greater good; subjecting his prisoners, so I heard, to some lengthy twitterings about how I was made of the right stuff and set a fine example each of them would do well to follow.

They had to pick litter up every break time for a term. I was made captain of the football team.

I think that’s what they call a result.
(Bailey07, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:50, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wanking
I've not had a wank this year.

What have you not done so far?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:47, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just read this and thought of you lot....do your worst...
Tell your life story in three incidents involving hair.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:21, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

what do we all do
if there is no new qotw this week either?

actually do some work?

this gives me teh fear.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:07, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A Question
Disclaimer: This question relates to defecation and the associated practices and is therefore compliant with the Bertmonkeysex Universal Mandate Supporting Egregious eXcursus (BUMSEX)

Gentlemen (or, indeed, ladies): when heading to the conveniences at work for a tom tit, frequently one is given a choice of several cubicles. Nearest to my own office, for example, the gents' offer a choice of three.

So, this morning, when entering the first choice of cubicle, I found that the previous occupant had left it in a rather unpleasant state - i.e., a Chariot of Fear - I backed out and chose the next one along.

However, as I backed out, I looked over my shoulder to check if anybody had seen what I was doing. Fortunately nobody else was around, but it begged the questionprompted me to wonder - which is what I wish to ask you - why did I feel so self-conscious about it? Is this normal?

Your thoughts, please.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:03, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning all...


How are we all?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 8 Jan 2009, 8:13, 310 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After some Christmas time-off...
Sleeper, Part 4.





And the previous story:

( Cawl, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 2:16, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OH HAI
It's JMG's BIRTHDAY MONTH. Who wants to celebrate?





( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 1:23, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Time for a new one I think...

( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 7 Jan 2009, 18:05, 179 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I want to create a website with a members only area
Is this as hard as google makes out?
( Peej, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 16:51, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GAH! Fecking firewalls!
They've started cranking down on what we can access here at work, so the only way I can get on here at all is through Axai's proxy. Well, now either they've done something with the firewall or the proxy is having issues, because no images come through at all now and I get this at the top of the page:

Warning: Missing argument 2 for write_log(), called in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 201 and defined in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 184

Warning: fopen(/var/log/apache2/proxy_log.log) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: Permission denied in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 186

Notice: Undefined variable: path in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 191

Warning: fwrite(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 192

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1186

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php:184) in /var/www/proxy.axai.net/index.php on line 1193

Is there another proxy I can use?

Oh, and if someone can message Axai for me on this, I'd appreciate it- I can't send gaz at the moment.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 7 Jan 2009, 15:27, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A question!
I've just been told that a relative of mine (aged 22) can't get a place to train as a barrister as she's too young.
I know nothing about this subject but suspect she can't be qualified enough yet...legal eagles of b3ta, tell me more!

EDIT

This thread is as dull as ditchwater.
My apologies.
In keeping with the latest Monkeysex directive I am making it b3tt3r.

Have this.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 14:40, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cause and Effect
We had our desks raised up a couple of notches recently. As a result I’ve had to raise my chair up. As a result of THAT my boxers now ride up all the time and as a result of THAT my nuts are all snarled up.

Tell me how empirical principles can be applied to YOUR life.
( Kroney, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 12:44, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

As you're all a very cultured and erudite bunch
I was wondering....

Do you have a favourite poem? If so which one and why?

And if you don't like poetry, why?

And if you occasionally pen a bit of poetry yourself then stick it in here too.

:)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 11:39, 62 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you could have one part of any animal grafted onto your body, what would it be?

I would like a prehensile tail please.






and a donkey cock, thought I'd get that out of the way...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 11:33, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sometimes I stand in the front room window and stare out at the desert.
And I feel augmented by the land as a lizard scurries past.
When was the last time you lied on the internet about being sexually abused?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 10:22, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
I am SUCH a girl! I cannot for the life of me figure out how to hook up my dvd player to the tv via the cable box (which I have to to get it to work).

I wouldn't mind, but I work in the PDA industry and tell people how to reflash their ROM, replace an LCD, how to tell if a trace is bad on the sync connector (charging port) etc.....
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 5:46, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Krypton Factor
I really don't remember the Krypton factor being this shit, maybe it's just Ben Shephard fucking it up, unless it was always this wank.
(lei, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 22:50, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Let's make a thread of images that you SHOULDN'T CLICK ON.
It'll be great.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 21:15, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tuesday night's thread...

For those with nothing else to live for.
( thealternativefact, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 17:16, 181 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Does anyone have an image of a cat with a monkey's face?
It's for a small child - she had a strange dream and won't stop going on about it. We need to placate her.
( rofl harris, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 17:07, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Does anyone have Office 2007 on their computer?
I'm trying to help a retard and need exact details of what a dialogue box says, but I refuse to use the abomination that is 2007 so don't have a copy of it to check on.

Reply here or gaz me...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 14:35, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

rare animals
so i am looking at a lease that prohibits the unfortunate tenant from having any animal friends whatsoever:

... "Animals must not be kept at or allowed or suffered to enter onto the Premises. For the avoidance of doubt, Animals includes (but is not limited to) dogs, cats, rabbits, rodents, all other mammals, fish, birds, amphibians, reptiles" ...

now am i missing something, or.... what the fuck is left to go in the "not limited to" category? flying wildebeest with the heads of kittens?

*****

also, whilst i am blogging here, we've just had a firmwide email saying:

"Would the person who has lost something yesterday near the 1st floor vending machine, please contact me to claim it".

ok, WHAT can it be, so i can go and claim it, please??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Jan 2009, 13:55, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)