Monday! Monday!
So it's half term I gather from the lack of screaming brats, which means less traffic on the roads, more room on the bus. All in all a good start to the week. On the bus this morning the Oyster reader wasn't working so much amusement in people looking frantic and touching their card a million times before realising the bus driver was telling them it was out of order. Also we had to wait THREE WHOLE MINUTES as we were running early and some middle aged women started bitching, I said I'm only on my way to work so not really in a hurry (haha) and one glared at me and said what will your boss say if you're late, I smiled and said "Lady I am the boss". She huffed and literally turned round to ignore me.

HEHE so as the real boss is away and I am the boss today, what should I make my cheerful little work force do?

Alt: talk about your weekend/pets/injuries NO TALKING ABOUT CHILDREN (happy now Phillie? are you!!! ARE YOU!??!)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:02, 169 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Kids are still at school here
You didn't ask any questions.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime, that you're near?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Sandwich crumbs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Nicked from Answers.com
In order to determine the exact cause of these birds drawing near, we need to know generally what kind of birds these are. If they are robins or blue jays or any number of pleasant birds (if they chirp they're probably pleasant, or if a young girl looks at one and goes "Aww, so cute," your bird is probably pleasant) then the most likely cause of their drawing near is that the person they are approaching is a beautiful princess or a beautiful princess's love interest.
Now, if the birds are cool and/or unpleasant such as ravens, crows, vultures, or just about anything that squawks or caws, then the person they are approaching is an evil witch or sorcerer and should probably be avoided. These birds are either that person's pets, minions, or familiars.

If the birds in question are falcons or hawks or eagles, then the person they draw near to is a benevolent witch or wizard and you should probably try to get that person to teach you magic. It might be Merlin in disguise.

If the birds are pigeons, the person probably either has food or a message for them to bring to someone. This is the most boring kind of attraction between bird and human.

If there is no general category for the kinds of birds drawing near a person, as in more than one of the categories listed above, then the person in question is probably causing the birds some kind of offense and their approach is only a preliminary event for the full on attack they will soon be launching. My advice would be to get as far from this person as possible.

For further investigation, please see:

Disney's Snow White (film)
Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (film)
Disney's The Sword in the Stone (film)
Hey Arnold! episode with the bird man (tv series)
T.H. White's The Once and Future King (Book)
A number of Grimms' Fairy Tales (Book)

I hope this answers your question, as it seems quite serious.
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Very detailed answer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I did eventually. I hit post by accident

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I'll let you off because I'm nice like that
Also, nice retort to the Busfaced lady.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Morning
It's Easter hols I think, so there should be 3 weeks of clear commuting, bliss!

Have you seen there is a plan for a national oyster card system? I prefer the hundreds of little single tickets that you get in Paris
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:04, Reply)

I haven't but everytime we venture out of london we look sad that we have to give bus drivers money

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:08, Reply)

They are allegedly doing an Oyster scheme on the Metro up here
It will not work
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

But it's so easy and convenient!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Most of the stations are open and unmanned, meaning people will just walk past the barriers

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:12, Reply)

well they will have to install oyster barriers
Not barriers made of oysters, obviously. That would be weirdly cool though....
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Might smell a bit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Giving bus drivers actual money is confusing and feels expensive
plus I usually only have £50 notes in my money clip because I'm soooo rich and they then don't have change so I throw the 50 at their face and shout "I could buy you!" and storm up to the front of the top deck to pretend that I'm flying.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:10, Reply)

*psst*
On the bus?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Give Apey his login back RSwipe

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:14, Reply)

admin person didn't book me a hire car for this morning
so I am not in Dorset.

This is pleasing obviously, but it has upset my routine.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Have them dance with miniture cymbols

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:06, Reply)

My horse came second netting me a massive £3
I went to a BBQ and cleaned the house.

As per instructions I have NO CHILDREN.
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Sold them already?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Value is so low
Had to pay to have them removed.
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

I drank FAR too much on Saturday night
and consequently was "delicate" yesterday. Not a full blown hangover, but an annoying one. However, it was bloody lovely so we were outside most of the day, finishing off with a couple of big bottles of Leffe Brun by the chimnea on the evening.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Yeah I spent a good four or five hours out reading and drinking.
Managed to avoid getting burnt as well HURRAH!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

I appear to be Mediterranean today
I am olive skinned after a whole weekend outside
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

I burnt my head on Saturday :(
I'd put SPF 15 on my sleeve, just neglected to put it anywhere else as "it's April, it won't be that hot".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:12, Reply)

ouch

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:13, Reply)

I have a very odd burn line
It looks like I was wearing a hockey mask.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:16, Reply)

*checks Lab's possessions for bloody chainsaw*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:18, Reply)

It's a fair cop, guv

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I can absolutely picture Jason Voorhees saying this
Morning mate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Good morning dude

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:25, Reply)

This is exactly why I have hair

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:14, Reply)

You'll be pleased to know I have a slightly red face today
instead of a radioactive glowing chops brighter than the setting sun.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

awww I want UBERRED NOEL

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Make them worship you by bringing you sweeties at lunchtime.
My weekend was quite nice. Nothing exciting but it was busy which keeps me from moping.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

*Waves*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:11, Reply)

*waves*
Working today hon?
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Yeah, although I've not got much on today.
Are you a hangover free Blousie today?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I am.
And I had an early night. That long walk knackered me right out.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:15, Reply)

How are your feet today?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Ok! I have blisters on my little toes which have plasters on but these shoes are very comfortable so no pain.
I should have put my walking boots on but I was going more for co-ordination with my blouse than comfort.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:19, Reply)

ooh ooh can I answer this?
So, last week I managed to wear about an inch diameter holes in each of my feet in the middle just by the ball of my foot. The blisters went massive and I had to pop them with a pin. Later the skin died and started bunching up causing pain, so I had to cut the skin off. The new skin underneath looked fine but on Sat/Sun dried out so much that it all split and bled in my shoes and it was pretty gross but I didn't have any plasters so just had to clean them up and wear trainers to work
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Nice!
*Swallows a bit of sick*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Haha!
I love popping blisters. I may do mine tonight.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Send a few of them to Norwich
One with a never-ending supply of coffee and intravenous drip. If one of the others can do my job then awesome, but the coffee is an absolute must. Feel like I've been up all weekend on an MD rampage, which would be fine if I hadn't spend most of yesterday doing fucking housework.

Bleh. Take many, many points for cutting an interfering old busybody down to size.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:09, Reply)

The horse I backed won the Grand National.
That was nice.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I appear to have backed every horse that either died or fell

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:13, Reply)

There were a lot of fallers
How many horses did you back?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:15, Reply)

We had an office sweep where we got 4 each
And I put 2 bets on.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I put cash on two horses.
A small bet on the outsider King Fontaine and a bet on the winner.

Both finished.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

It was an odd weekend in the Foxtrot household
as the missus wanted to know when the Grand National was being run and who won because she had a work sweepstake, and I didn't give a shit because it's a stupid sport and, er, didn't.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:17, Reply)

true story

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Oh yeah i forgot - £5 on Ballabriggs
netted me a £70 win! Whoop!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:19, Reply)

This weekend I saw friends old and new
Cycled 16 miles for a roast lamb dinner, watched the awesome Sucker Punch and the entertaining Walking Tall and was shockingly not an Internet Shut-In.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I heard Sucker punch was crap.
Would you say it's ok for a ten year old boy to watch? I'm talking about the sex part of the film if any.
( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:21, Reply)

I also heard it was crap
from a source that is generally to be trusted
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:22, Reply)

I wouldn't say it's crap
It's stylistically similar to 300, with a mix of Sin City. Visually it's stunning, and there are hot women in military burlesque clothing killing scores of steampunk nazi zombies.

That last description sums up why I enjoyed it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:28, Reply)

that does sound like my sort of film

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:48, Reply)

There's no sex in it, it's a 12A
Some mild cleavage/bum shots, suggested rape that gets interrupted, but nothing worse than that.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Suggested?
Is there a shot when you just see Chompy smiling and removing latex gloves?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:28, Reply)

You're not far wrong

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

I'll let him watch it on DVD then if his mum says ok.

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:32, Reply)

I bet you were texting at ALL TIMES
I watched The Box with Cameron Diaz. It went from dull to WTF!??!, to quite a good ending
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:23, Reply)

Phone was turned off, I was in the cinema you heathen.
I think I've seen that, it was a bit weird.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:29, Reply)

man with half a face, push the button get a million bucks but someone dies
I thought the general concept of the film was great but it did get a bit "...seriously? whut?" in the middle.

I have TAKEN to watch later.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:35, Reply)

The premise has been done many times before, exactly as The Box did it
It did get bloody odd with all that water stuff.
ZOMG Taken!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:40, Reply)

yeah it was only £3 as well
mmm hmv saley goodness
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I haven't seen the film
but the premise and trailers, as I understand it, suggest it is EXACTLY the same story as was once on the Twilight Zone. Or the other one. You know, the other one that's like the Twilight Zone.

The Outer Limits. That was it. One of them two.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:50, Reply)

You know Cameron Diaz???
What was she doing round your flat? Did Gonz's head explode?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:35, Reply)

she comes round for a beer every now and again. She used to bring Cruise with her but after he broke my sofa he's not allowed round any more

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Stupid closet homosexual shagging your sofa to death

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Obvious Darth reference is obvious
and beneath me. So I won't say it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:54, Reply)

It's the same here.
I have no tutoring to do this week or next, which means I'm poorer then ever due to no income.
*considers booking a street corner*
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I think it is a testament to your upstanding character
that my first thought was "busker" rather than "whore".
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I got a bit hammered saturday night on whisky
thanks to a good result in the football. Then afternoon beer garden drinking on Sunday for a friend's 40th, followed by taxi back to his and some takeout pizza and leaving him passed out on his sofa with his Spotify queue filled with "Glee" tracks.

Now we just have to wait and see if he's turned into a 32 year old telecommunications analyst from Innsmouth.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I see there's a signed first edition of Mein Kampf up for auction, estimated to get £30k.
Anyone want a slightly damaged kidney?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:41, Reply)

I would recommend that you sell other people's kidneys
But I'm not sure you could afford to buy enough ice to fill a bath.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:41, Reply)

This is true.
Damn.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Two 1-bed flats in my block have gone for £250k in the past month though.
This is fucking preposterous.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:45, Reply)

That is crazy
I saw a 1 bed flat around High Street Kensington up for £1.75m the other day...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

You've seen my flat - quarter of a fucking million quid?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Ridicularse

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I'll give you a tenner for your kidney.
I'd imagine my body would reject a healthy replacement.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:43, Reply)

YESSSSSS.
Just £29,990 to go!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Good weekend?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Fucking great, thank you.
I took Friday off so it was a long'un, too. You?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

I got cunted on cloudy cider and vodka on Friday
So bar a visit to the bookies on Saturday, it was a couple of days of sober reflection.

Did you have your daughter over the weekend?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I saw her yesterday but failed to have my 'overnight visits' meeting.
I have cleaned my house to within an inch of its life (I don't actually think my flat is alive, but you know what I mean) in hope, though. This may well prove a pointless activity but it's nice to have a spotless gaff anyway...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I think you might run out of organs before you reach your target

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:46, Reply)

Watch out, people of Whitechapel....that's all I'm saying.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:47, Reply)

ask mummy to buy it you for yor birthday

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

My mummy is in India at the moment.
She flew out on Saturday - the night before she left she....went out for a curry.

In God's name WHY? Curry in Winchester is really shit, as well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:58, Reply)

I'm lead to believe that Indian curry features much less meat than we see over here
*something about this not bothering your mother, meat, etc*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:03, Reply)

90% of the Indian population are vegetarian so that would be right.
It's only those of Mughal descent ie the muslims that eat meat and there are proportionally fuck all of them. That said even if they weren't all veggie for religious reasons most of 'em couldn't afford meat anyway. The cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Classic Monty
Impressive level of detail, casual racism and a "cunts" at the end. Bravo.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Get them to dance for you
a choreographed flash-mob type of dance. Thriller, or something. Then film it and send it to EVERYWHERE.

Profit.

Alt: I talked about my weekend this weekend. I'm not going over it again. If you wanted to know you should have been here.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Morning Internet Nemesis/Lust Object
I am tired beyond all previous concepts of tiredness today so if you could keep the death threats coming I'd be very grateful
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Mornin darlin
MTFU and get on with it, you massive bender.

I have to say, so far Monday sucks more than you do. What are you going to do about it?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I'm going to trap you in a chamber with two doors
Behind one is certain death. Behind the other is a big, comfortable bed. With me in it.

Make your choice.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:04, Reply)

*stays in chamber*

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Ah, but surely that's exactly what I'd have expected you to do?
That heavy breathing behind you isn't a faulty air conditioner
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:09, Reply)

So
you're standing behind me AND in the room with the comfy bed?

Are you schizophrenic? Or....

You're not GOD, are you? Cause that would just be too horrific to contemplate.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:12, Reply)

My chamber. My rules.
It's not me behind you, anyway, I prefer giving the lady the option of choice. Chompy feels differently.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Right. Fine.
Do I get to know which door is which?

And how big is this bed, exactly? Big enough that I could avoid touching you in any way?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:23, Reply)

I've made it extra-specially large to accomodate your breasts. So yes.
You know which door is which but not the manner of certain death. It might involve being rogered to death by the cast of Interview with the Vampire.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Chompy?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

You can read my mind
I strongly suggest you seek help to stop this happening again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Jesus Christ
That's a painful thought to be facing up to 1st thing on a Monday morning.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:39, Reply)

I can think of worse
A friend of mine posted on FB today that there's no sight more depressing than the naked body of your wife-to-be when you have to go to work. Whilst I see what he's getting at, I would suggest that the inclusion of the word "dead" in that sentence makes it considerably more depressing.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:43, Reply)

hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:10, Reply)

morning BFF
*huggles*

How's you?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:11, Reply)

If it was Lust Object / Internet Nemesis
you could abbreviate it to LOIN. Just saying.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I'M NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111one!

( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:15, Reply)

ME NEITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's upset you? At least you're not faced with the choice of death or darth.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:17, Reply)

TGB Asked if I was happy now
I'm being melodramtic I'm actually pretty good. Death or Darth or Cake?
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:18, Reply)

three equally bad choices.
At the moment, I'm thinking 'death'.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:20, Reply)

No offence
In case you were wondering. Mr Kipling is also mortally offended
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:23, Reply)

'also'?
does that mean you're mortally offended? Have I killed you?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:24, Reply)

Nicely done there
If one of us were to vanquish their nemesis it would probably have to be via the method of internet offensiveness, in all fairness
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:26, Reply)

you could try boring each other to death
what's that? you already are trying that but it's only causing collateral damage with everyone else who has to see it?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Points for "collateral damage"
I refuse to accept that b3th and I are the most boring conversationalists on B3ta, however
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:44, Reply)

no, it's you and anyone you are talking to

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:49, Reply)

So you then
You dull cunt
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:51, Reply)

I didn't think that through

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I think everyone else has buggered off so quite likely no-one saw that
*prepares link*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Well Wooks is Grumpy and my mum is Sneezy
are you bashful?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:18, Reply)

*volunteers to be Dopey*
before anyone else says it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:24, Reply)

think you'll find that several of us have a better claim to that than you

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:27, Reply)

I don't think there was a smug Dwarf in Snow White

( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:29, Reply)

he was the one banging her

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Which version were you watching?
I want it! The 1937 version is shockingly clean and wholesome.
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I recently saw a video
Where they were all banging her.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:31, Reply)

that reminds me
Snow White in the video for Sonne by Rammstein. HOT.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:35, Reply)

*highfives*
I totally agree.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Possibly so, but not you
You're all educated an' shit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Morning!
dopey cumbucket
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Morning mate
7/10. Witty retort will follow when my brain wakes up in 2-3 weeks
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:35, Reply)

I'm falling ou of love with the calling you a bender game
It feels like the best is behind us now....
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:57, Reply)

I agree.
I feel the same about calling Chompy a rapist, it's got tired.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:02, Reply)

I was tired of you lot calling me a bender about a year ago
and secretly long for the day when everyone shares your attitude

(Yes I know this will cause you to redouble your efforts)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:05, Reply)

You really don't help yourself, though, you know.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:11, Reply)

I'm aware of this, yes
I honestly think that even if I wasn't camp as tits people would still strikethrough away like billy-o so there seems little point in moderating my posts
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Nope
I'm Sleepy but I am not allowed to talk about why as per the rules of this thread laid down in the before time in the long long ago.
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:24, Reply)

is it because of your own dwarves?
Sorry, 'little people'.

On a related note, when I was working at the airport, we were based right after security, and everyone had to swarm through the shop to get to the lounge. Once I saw a cute little girl of about three, looking at the pretty bottles of perfume. I very nearly did what I usually do in these circumstances, and said 'Oh look, a little person!'.

I'm glad I didn't, because about three steps behind her was her father. Her four foot tall father. Foot, mouth, b3th. I'm not sure I would have been able to talk my way out of that one.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I'd have put on my Gollum voise
And called them both "Tricksy little hobbits"
( Peej, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I fucking LOVE midgets and dwarves.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:32, Reply)

ing LOVE
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Love fucking, surely?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:34, Reply)

It makes his microcock
look bigger
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Such tiny tiny hands

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Jeremy Beadle had a tiny cock.
But on the other hand, it looked quite big.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Your hand?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I had a brilliant weekend.
Yesterday my friend's mental missus tried to start a fight with me in the pub. It was hilarious. Also, even though I was working loads I managed to get an adequate amount of beer-garden time in, and I got paid three hours wages to stay an hour late at work last night. Because I had already finished everything I was being paid to drink free beer. And there was... another thing which was good.

Well done on telling a dickhead off, that's always good. And you should make your minions dance. Insist on calling them minions too.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Rolling session
Or bum sex?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Can't imagine what that might have been
Morning babe
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Morning chick.
Reading the replies, I see you are tired. Why are you tired?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I wish I could give you a really rock'n'roll response
But I just can't sleep at the minute. Keep waking up at 5am and not being able to get back to sleep
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Aww :(
How's Arty coping?

It's Monday. Monday is nearly Friday. I am in a very good mood today.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:05, Reply)

This is excellent news
Arty's not eating enough but is otherwise coping OK thank you. Has Jemma got over her tobacco kleptomania yet?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Sort of.
I've not really seen her this weekend, so it's hard to judge. She has, however, managed to rip a large hole in my favourite duvet cover, so she's in the bad books.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Nice
How old are they again?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Jemima's about one, Sancho's two and a half.
When do cats stop growing? I have been worrying this morning that Sancho will get even bigger. He almost crushed me to death earlier.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:17, Reply)

It's hardly his fault that you barely exist
I don't think they'll grow much after the age of three
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:19, Reply)

He's the same size as my torso.
He is giant cat.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:22, Reply)

I haven't met you though
You might have a freakishly small torso
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:24, Reply)

It's proportional to the rest of me.
And although I'm short, I wouldn't say I'm freakishly short.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Yeah, that's a huge cat
I'm just going to carry on visualising for a few minutes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Pervert.
Want to go play on the new thread?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:31, Reply)

Yes I am
I suppose that would be the done thing
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Did you manage to stave in the skull of a policeman with a fire extinguisher?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Weekend: BOSS
Pet: VOCAL
Landlady's pets: WELL-BEHAVED AND PUNCTUAL
Injuries: SURPRISINGLY FEW
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Snappy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 10:58, Reply)