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This is a question Off Topic

Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.

(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Hi! I'm Monty
Tell me about yourself. Or flatter me.

Alt: I have to conduct some job interviews for an admin position over the next couple of days. Suggest a comical/offensive question I can throw into the proceedings for the purposes of ‘lol’. Alternatively suggest a spasticated, unfunny question in the hope that it is funny so we call all roundly mock you for your dismal comedic ability or entire lack thereof.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:42, 237 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
How would you, as an administrator,
have prevented the Norwegian attacks?
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:44, Reply)
and then shout COME ON MAGDELEN, SURELY SOMEONE? NO?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)
what the hell is wrong with your face?

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)
'Are you a benny tied to a tree?'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)
Hi. I'm Poppet.
I love a good curry. And you have cool hair.

Alt: which do you think is a more serious task - counting paperclips or rohypnol tabs?
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:46, Reply)
Just don't lick your fingers to seperate them.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)
a sphincter says what?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:47, Reply)
pfffffffft

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:47, Reply)
Yes, a sphincter says pfffffffft

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:49, Reply)
you've got to hand it to the girl
that's the most accurate response to that question ever
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:49, Reply)
Innit

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)
*beams*
I am nothing if not conscise when I need to be.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
What would you say if I was to call you, let's say, a 'fucking cunt'?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:47, Reply)
What music do you like?
then before they can finish their reply, shout

"FUCKING SHIT!"
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:48, Reply)
I'd love it if they mentioned a preference for the Jim Jones Revue before Monty could stop himself.
The look of abject horror on his face would be magnificent.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)
What should I do if I read some pretend gay porn on the internet and I got an erection?

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:48, Reply)
wank
and finish off with a triumphant spooge which spells out the name of the participants on your crusty computer desk
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)
How's the bin rooting going chompster?

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
it's hard to find out if someone's single
if you can't find them on facebook
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)
fuck it, ask em out

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)
September*
that's when I have to go to a meeting at which I will (probably) see him. I just think it's good to get the groundwork in

*not that I will actually ask him out, too much of a wimp
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)
have you seen the trailer lic put on fb this morning for the larping movie?
why don't you send him an email? do some groundwork.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:56, Reply)
I posted that link up first!
I only have his work email and he won't be in until start of term
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)
It looks funny.
Aw shit, you are an internet special do some digging!
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)
OK, so, technically
I did find his company website, but if I emailed that I would become 'obviously creepy stalker girl' rather than 'closet creepy stalker girl' and this has to not end in me losing the job I don't quite have yet
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:01, Reply)
no risk, no reward.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:04, Reply)
e-mail should read
"dear person I've met a couple of times at meetings

As you may have noticed have have spent some quality time 'researching' you and your life and, after a few days of fantasising over photo I unearthed of you from a flikr pool, I was convinced by internet weirdos to contact you..."
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)
On the up side
if he replies to this, you have basically found the perfect man. Fuck pretending to be normal, he'll find out in the end anyway.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)
I was going to mention that
glad someone is on the ball
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)
you're at least a day behind me
but, yes, it looks surprisingly accurate (until the bit when magic actually starts working)
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)
I should stop blocking all your posts then
not really, I'm just crap.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)
I will definitely go to one at some point.
Just to smack strangers in the face with rubber mallets.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)
smacking them in the bollocks
(podshotting) is also fun
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)
Always the face!

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:16, Reply)
you say that
but who, here, has more experience of twatting people with pretend maces?
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:19, Reply)
we already had a conversation involving
jokes about pre post-post modernism and the collapse of time and reality.

I think he is at the very least a bit geeky
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:25, Reply)
wait, I repled to the wrong thing
my eyes still won't focus
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:26, Reply)
I thought you might have
Never mind, just keep drinking until they focus.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:28, Reply)
I'm Agnostic, in name and in nature
I'm currently in a very good mood, due to a few things that have gone my way in the last few days. I've decided that I need to have things to look forward to at all times, or I'll simply wallow in misery. As a result, I'm looking forward to the October bash.

Alt: You have a choice, you can either sleep with -
a) an uggo with a fantastic body
b) an attractive girl/bloke with a nice body, but they stink, or
c) a fatty with the most beautiful face you've come across.
Saying 'None of the above' is not applicable.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)
I think I'd do c
how fat?
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
wait - is there Febreeze to hand?

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
No, there is no alcohol or anything to allow you to make it easier.
And as for C, I'd say Beth Ditto fat.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)
as long as it's a boy, I'm sure that's fine

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:53, Reply)
For a boy, it's Al fat.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:54, Reply)
WOAH!

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)
The most beautiful face who's come across??

(McChinaman banned, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)
when it's that big, it's easier to hit

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:00, Reply)
a

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)
Piece of piss. B.
"Have I told you about my shower fetish? Yeah, I can only do it in the shower."
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:14, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1294161
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)
Probably C then.
I'd have a go on that bird from the Evans adverts.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:23, Reply)
Crystal Renn.
Stripper's name, oh well.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:35, Reply)
She's not fat.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:37, Reply)
Not anymore, I suppose.

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:39, Reply)
I searched "Crystal Renn Evans" on Google, she was never Beth Ditto sized.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:42, Reply)
It's her or the shower, I'm afraid.
I have standards, damn it.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:51, Reply)
No matter how hard I Google, I keep getting pics of a girl who is at most normal sized
am I missing something here?
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:53, Reply)
Only normal sized women become plus size models.
Strange but true.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:55, Reply)
In her Evans days she was a 14 or a 16.
No, she didn't have a pendulous gut hanging over her trackie bottoms, but she was a big girl.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)
oh great
this discussion again
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)
I guess my either my Google FU is weak
or my perceptions are skewed. *shrug*
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)
She lost an arse-load of weight at some point, no pun intended.

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:59, Reply)
Ahh, yes have found a few old pics
she was puuurty, shame she lost it.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)
"Big girl" and "fat" are two very very different things.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:01, Reply)
Big girl I do, fat girl I don't.
I'm trying to play along AA, I really am.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
C
No question, I'd totally do Beth Dito.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:22, Reply)
If I went for A I'd complete the set.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)
I have a rather worry lump on my testicle. Look, see? That's not right is it?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:50, Reply)
That's your penis.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:51, Reply)
'When we were children, my brother renamed New Kids on the Block as 'Poo Skids on my Cock'.
What do you think about that?'
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
you and your brother were wierd little fuckers?

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)
I think you'll find we were actually 'alternative comedians', and very good ones at that.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)

oh God you are Julian Barrett and your bro is Noel Fielding! lolwaki alert.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)
Every day was like a LOLarious episode of the not-at-all-shit programme 'Bottom'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)
Stop goading me! I adore bottom.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)
I've heard that.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)
I'll set em up, you knock em down.
Immigrants that is.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:10, Reply)
Would Blackadder count as 'alternative comedy'?

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)
Maybe, but we could at least spell 'weird'.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)
oooooh burn

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:03, Reply)
Consider yourself slain.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)
I'm just wondering how that's even possible, to get skids on your cock...
if you're not engaging in bareback fun that is...
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)
Hi I'm Bobby
I need bike advice. Who are OT's most knowlegable bikers? not motorbikes.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:55, Reply)
PJM, Chickenlady?

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:58, Reply)
cheers poppet, not sure who they are so will keep my eyes peeled.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:00, Reply)
Al cycles and I think Lab does too

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)
I know Al does but he is the devil. Labs is a good shout ta.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)
I'm always a good shout
PJM and DevilInTights are more seasoned cyclists, but how may I help?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:11, Reply)
if you wouldn't mind casting your eyes down a couple of inches.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)
why are we staring at your cock?

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:14, Reply)
it's not on my chin?

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)
You've seen Al's bike haven't you?
I hardly think he's the best choice for advice in this subject.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)
Look, he's married to her now, we all have to stop calling her that.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:14, Reply)
I know some
But mosty old bikes. ask away I might know. but if the question is which bike should I get my answer will almost certainly not be the one you end up getting.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:09, Reply)
Well as you are probably aware I am a big guy so I want to get a bike that I won't knacker
in a few months. Looking at a boardman comp mbt for about 700 but not sure if I should get the 2010 one or the 2011 one. My bike mate said the 2010 one due to the air lock forks but someone else just said the carrera fury and I am lost. Any advice on what to look for?
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:12, Reply)
Carrera = Halfords brand IIRC
I'd go for a Boardman over a Carrera any day.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)
does it matter which year I go for? the prices are almost identical so jsut not sure.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:14, Reply)
I'm not entirely au fait with the minutia
But the 2011 looks pretty good. I'm chasing down reviews at the moment.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:17, Reply)
I went on Bikeradar and what bike, lowest was 4.5 out of 5 for both.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:18, Reply)
I just read some pretty indepth forum posts about them
And I got completely lost by the jargon. They were very favorable towards both 2010 and 2011 though.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)
Right I will let you know which one I get!

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)
I met your mum on Bikeradar.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:22, Reply)
can you link me please? I am still trying to track her down.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)
You're off track.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)
OK, as I suspected
Questions about new bikes, so not for me. I'd say spend about £100 on a decent, well looked after old non-sus MTB another £50 putting new tyres etc. on it and the rest on beer. In short best ask PJM, he's on FB and very nice and will give you good answers. I'll gaz you his IRL name if you want to add him.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:17, Reply)
cheers dude but I am two over my limit anyway, strictly one out one in policy at the mo.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:20, Reply)
On a more serious note
test ride both (any good bike shop should let you do this) and see which feels best, there's a lot to be said for the feel of a bike.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:24, Reply)
Get a Grifter.


NEXT.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:20, Reply)
I want a grifter now.
:(
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:24, Reply)
"I represent Her Majesty's Government. Would you like to buy London Bridge?"

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:38, Reply)
No thank you
London Bridge is well ugly, innit?
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:39, Reply)
set out a checklist of things to make them do
like
1. their mouth opens and closes at least three times without any sound coming out.
2. visibly sweat
3. storm out
4. lunge across the desk at you
5. cry
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:57, Reply)
Ask them to do "The Elivator pitch" and every 5 seconds go "Ding... Floor 1, Door Opening, Doors Closing", "Ding.... Floor 2, Door Opening, Doors Closing", "Ding.... Floor 4, Door Opening, Doors Closing..... wait, what the fuck? we missed a floor ! Hold o
n, let's get out here. and try again"
(I helped save b3ta! G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 9:59, Reply)
yeah, and do the whole thing standing up side by side
and act out the getting out and getting back in again.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:05, Reply)
Then drop a hideous fart and start whistling tunelessly and looking at the floor.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:08, Reply)
Hi I'm Andy and I love cats.
alt: Would you rather have a penis for thumb on one hand or testicles where your ears should be.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:06, Reply)
penis thumb
sounds useful
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:11, Reply)
not if it goes all erect at an unfortunate moment.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:12, Reply)
boys manage to deal with that shit
normally (or so I hear) so I think I would adapt
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)
ye but we can tuck it in the waistband or adjust our sitting position.
cock hand is obvious.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:15, Reply)
put hand in pocket?

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:17, Reply)
then you are just playing with it.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:19, Reply)
don;t see a problem with this

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:22, Reply)
Usually it happens when it's dangling down a trouser leg.
So you can put your hands in your pocket, gripping it if necessary. Nobody can tell.

Think about that the next time you see a guy walking around with his hands in his pockets, trying desperately to look inconspicuous.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:16, Reply)
Thumb penis, without a doubt.
You can always wear gloves and I wouldn't keep dribbling on my trousers.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:12, Reply)
HAHAHA rubber gloves...

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)
Ask them if their penis does that pre cum thing?
Even the ladies.
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:07, Reply)
why won't my eyes focus properly?!

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:11, Reply)
"Would you be willing to sleep your way to the top? Yes or no, I don't care about your reasons."

(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:11, Reply)
Hi I'm Quixote and I just want to be loved, even by the cunts on here.
You sir have excellent taste in music.

Alt: If you had the choice of being deaf of blind for the rest of your life which would you choose and why?
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:20, Reply)
Deaf.
Because it's less shit than being blind.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:20, Reply)
'please note this is not a hypothetical question -
depending on your answer I am either going to blind you with a rusty fork or hack your ears off.'
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:21, Reply)
i think having your ears hacked off would
hurt marginally less.

YOu know all this is helping me be calm for my interview tomorrow. Thanks for this.
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:32, Reply)
deaf, I'd be pretty useless blind
I am a shit musician
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:23, Reply)
For reasons I'm not sure of, I'm reading this like it's a haiku

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:32, Reply)
oh, then perhaps
I could just be a poet
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:33, Reply)
Because you are a gaylord?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:36, Reply)
And you're a benny tied to a tree.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:37, Reply)
No no.
You're the gaylord.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:11, Reply)
I still have the stamp from the club I went to last night on my hand.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:46, Reply)
you should wash

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:49, Reply)
....says the larper

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:52, Reply)
She washes in the blood of her foemen.
Or at least she would if she didn't keep rolling 3s.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)
Ask them what their favorite song is,
then spend 45 minutes giving them a brief (by your standards) explanation of why they're gay and jewish because of it.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:54, Reply)
Hi. I'm b3th. I use this forum as my own personal blog, and everyone hates me because I'm boring.
You, Sir, have somehow managed to produce a very charming human being. Science has no current explanation.

Alt: Take a massive stapler with you, and ask them if they would be prepared to staple their hand to the desk to get the job. For added lulz, have some holes and dark stains on the desk already, so it looks like this is a perfectly acceptable procedure.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:56, Reply)
Nahh, there are very few people on here everyone hates.
I'm so far past the stage of being hated now, I'm barely even pitied for being shit.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)
haha THIS!

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:58, Reply)
Another vote for the stapler

(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:00, Reply)
Why hasn't anyone mentioned you have a really fit girlfriend?

(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 10:59, Reply)
He does?
Wow, she must have low standards. I wonder what's wrong with her.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:00, Reply)
:(

(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:02, Reply)
Well, you must know you can do better.
I hear Chompy's single. And very good looking.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)
you haven't met him, have you?

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)
Chompy?
Nope, but I gather you have.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)
nah
just going off what i've heard from every other female on here
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)
OK, guess the rumours are untrue then
I've seen his profile pic on Facespace, he looks OK, probably prettier than me if I'm honest.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:12, Reply)
what rumours?
nobody is prettier than you, clearly.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
*nods sagely*

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)
Things scrawled on Toilet walls that make Luggage's most recent effort look like Mills and Boon
Most kind of you to say dear lady, but surely your HOT MAN (Ja-mez wasn't it?) is prettier by far as well as better endowed and richer.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
Going for an English lols

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
i'm not gonna lie to you
he is extraordinarily HOT. although his brain is worth soooo much more than his torso. mmmm. double first from cambridge. that's the kind of thing that makes me really squelchy.

he's from essex though. so it's more jimmyboyrebel innit, than it is jam-ez, suntan or not.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:25, Reply)
Dear me, I cannot compete
I have but a 2:1 from an ex-polly to my name, at least I'm not from Essex though, I'll cling on to that in a desperate attempt to keep some sense of superiority.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:28, Reply)
Yeah, I've now come across a picture of him on facespace
and can no longer imply he has a face like a smacked arse. I find this somehow disappointing.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)
Doesn't rule out Personality-based insults
I think those are fair game.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, Reply)
yeah right
because nobody would put the only good picture of themselves on the entire planet, taken at a miraculous angle, on the internet...
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
*Raised eyebrow*

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
what?
i am just saying, you know, sometimes the camera DOES lie!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:25, Reply)
Not just the camera.
Photoshop has removed more chins than the Japanese army love.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:27, Reply)
I tend to do the opposite myself
but then anybody who meets me is pleasantly surprised that I am not the gurning spastic you see in most of my FB pics.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:29, Reply)
But the pictures weren't put there by him.
They were on Amberl's bash photos, and Chompy was in the background.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:31, Reply)
i was being a bit more general
and definitely including myself in my comment!
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:32, Reply)
Oh, I'm the same.
I think one in every fifty pictures of me gets my approval. Possibly even fewer than that.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:35, Reply)
I have the body of a God!
Shame it's Cthulhu R'lyeh.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
well, hello there

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
Hello, just planning my next literary epic.
All I need are names to fill in the blanks.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)
He's alright really.
He makes me laugh, and not only out of pity.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:13, Reply)
This is important
And one suspects under all the derision of perfectly good musics and stories of heroic drug taking, he's actually a decent bloke. Certainly seems a devoted father. Just don't tell the old bastard I said so, right.

Edit: had assumed you meant Monty, ho hum.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
I did mean Monty.
Chompy makes me laugh too though and he has lovely soft hands.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:38, Reply)
THIS IS THE NICEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID ABOUT ME

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
We're all too jealous.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:02, Reply)
You told me he was more of a friend with benefits?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:02, Reply)
He doesn't get benefits.
Got one of dem job tings innit.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:03, Reply)
Really? If that's true how do you describe his dress sense?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)
Iron Maiden Roadie chic

(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)
+k

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
How do you feel about starring in badly-written homoerotic internet slashfic?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:04, Reply)
ask them what kind of cakes they bring in on their birthday
i am hugely hacked off today because the girl whose birthday it is has brought homemade cakes instead of mr kipling ones that i can steal. homemade cakes with raisins and cherries in. wtf. that is just inhumane.

roar.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:05, Reply)
I refuse to eat anything homemade.
Except if it's been made by someone I know really well. Otherwise it's just manky.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
Ok that's just weird.
And yet you'll trust anything you buy from a supermarket.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
i worked with someone who wouldn't
eat the blackberries that grew in her garden because 'it was gross'. Not sure what she thought they did with them in supermarkets
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:08, Reply)
Strange
You'd think that 5 million years of hunter-gathering would have had some ill effects by now, but I guess not.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)
I never said it wasn't weird.
It's just how I feel.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:10, Reply)
Your loss.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:10, Reply)
it's because you know factories have people in gloves etc
kitchens don't. my friend made me flapjacks at school once and there was a giant hair from her massive black poodle in it.

THIS is why you have to know someone well to eat their food. although berk is an exception, her cakes looked awesome.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:13, Reply)
There's a euphemism I've not heard before...

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
Considering what we discovered you will eat last night
This is just bizarre.
(I helped save b3ta! CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:09, Reply)
hahaha!
Zing!
(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
you have the worst luck

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
oh no i lied
there are also toffee bakewells, gu millionaire flapjacks, lemon drizzle cake and a shitload of haribo.

fuck. i'm out for dinner tonight as well as lunch tomorrow. i won't fit in my seat at the cinema with the boy tomorrow!

:(
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:12, Reply)
well I'm off to greggs to
get a sandwich and some lucazade in the hopes I can see properly soon.

I'm just as classy as you, you know
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
Which Haribo?

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
ALL THE HARIBO

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)
I'd want to steal the starmix.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)
Starmix is boring
and that's coming from me!
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
Starmix is fantastic
Tangfastics are wonderful, but far too sickly.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
The best Haribo packs are their liquorice ones
apart from the brown ones. They ming.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:20, Reply)
Liquorice mings, possibly more than any other sweet.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
Liquorice rocks.
How many other sweets can act as both an aphrodisiac and a laxative?
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
Chocolate coated prunes with viagra in the middle.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:27, Reply)
best sweet in the world for coprophiliacs...

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:28, Reply)
I LOVE HARIBO.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, Reply)
Best of all the animals.

(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:21, Reply)
DAMN YOU
now that's in my head....
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:23, Reply)
Yeah you well, it takes a while for huge, blubbery fat cells to deposit
their massive load. You'll be fine for the next couple of days, it's next week that you'll be a massive great lard lizard.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:16, Reply)
Fruit cake mings.

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:07, Reply)
You know nothing
I made a tripple berry cake that is delicious! Full of butter and cinammon.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:13, Reply)
That sounds fantastic
I mean the fruit cake which is ridiculously heavy on the stomach, full of cherries and nuts, etc. The cheap shit.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:14, Reply)
Oh, I know the one you mean
The one they serve on weddings? I don't like it either. Mine, on the other hand, is just like a massive muffin.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:15, Reply)
Aye, that kind.
How's the pregnancy coming along?
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:16, Reply)
Kicking like a madman
S/he's got a liking for my lungs, the...
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
Oof, that can't be fun!

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
It's
distracting.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
Why do they only serve those on weddings?
In my wedding we served Maltessers cake. Mmmm, it was so nice!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:18, Reply)
It's to keep the wedding cake up, as normal sponge isn't dense enough to hold up the upper layers
...I think.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, Reply)
Yes, that's what I've been told
why not to use metallic structures to keep it in place, like we do in the rest of Europe, is something that I don't know.
www.beatrizcabanas.com/es/servicios/pasteleria/
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
You make yet another exceptionally good point!

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:23, Reply)
At least
you'd be paying for a cake that most people likes, rather than the other way round.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
We have a lot of Asians in our head office here,
they tend to bring in huge boxes of samosas.

Bit of a factlet there, for you.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
Hi, I'm Bill Clay (IITIMRN)
I like salt and vinegar crisps and I need a shave.

*drops piano on Monty*
...er, might have misread that

Alt: Do you know of any good Sunday night club nights in and around Central London that stay open to the wee hours of Monday morning?

If you get any answers to that please let me know.
(I helped save b3ta! Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:16, Reply)
McCoys?

(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:17, Reply)
Dammit, I'm a doctor not a crisp vendor
McCoys are sometimes too tame, you can usually rely on Discos and the new Walkers Crinkle cut ones aren't bad.
(I helped save b3ta! Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, Reply)
Discos are possibly the worst crisps there are.
They taste soggy FFS.

A few years ago, McCoys S&V were the best, very bitter and wonderful. Now, they're just wussy.
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:22, Reply)
Soggy Discos?
Never had a packet like that. Cheap ones from Aldi and Lidl can sometimes be good as well.
(I helped save b3ta! Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:24, Reply)
We tried some crisps from Lidl a while ago
by a company that usually makes ice cream. I couldn't eat the salt & vinegar ones without sweating like a whore. I mean, they were that strong.

EDIT: Here, if you fancy a challenge.
(I helped save b3ta! b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:29, Reply)
*applauds*
Now that's how you sell S&V crisps

*heads to Lidl*
(I helped save b3ta! Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:32, Reply)
Is it the real one?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, Reply)
if that is the real McCoy...

(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:39, Reply)

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