Good morrow, wankers.
Have you every read Samuel Pepys' Diaries? I think they're fascinating. If you haven't, you should. Unless you're some kind of thicky spastic like *insert most peoples' names here*, in which case, don't bother, just stick to your comics that you read even though you're an adult you Simon Pegg-esque cunt in your 'skatewear'. Instead, fucking grow up, or, better still, please die. Thanks awfully.

Alt: I am also reading a jolly decent novel set in the time of King Christian IV of Denmark (late 1500s). He was an odd old cove, he really was. Tell the class about an odd old cove you know. Yes, me, hah haha brilliant. Have a biscuit you fucking cripple.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:28, 179 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Morning.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:30, Reply)

'No, just having a shit'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Good morning Monty.
How's my favorite purveyor of ascerbic wit?
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:31, Reply)

Good day, good day.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Fuck off Monty.
I'm in no mood for your shit this morning, you geriatric fuckwit.

I mean good morning Monty. No, I haven't read his diaries, they don't hugely tempt me, if I'm honest. How are you?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:32, Reply)

I'm....acceptable.
You?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Not too bad thanks
I'm at a gig tonight, don't hugely fancy it if I'm honest, as I was going to tell my friend to sell my ticket, but I was then informed that if I wasn't going, another lad wasn't going, meaning that there'd be one person there on his own, making me feel a right heel.

So, I'm going to that, I'm sure I'll have fun, but I would have preferred to not have to spend the money when I'm this skint. Ah well, my own fault!

Had a fantastic bacon, onion and mushroom sandwich for lunch though, that's helped me start the day.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:35, Reply)

I'll bet
His diaries are no 'Adrian Mole'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:34, Reply)

Those books spoke to my soul, innit

( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:35, Reply)

They filled a great hole

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:36, Reply)

The bloke who played Adrian Mole's dad also worked on the Death Star,
alongside Johnny Briggs' dad. Johhny Briggs' dog was called 'Razzle'.


More facts AS THEY HAPPEN.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:36, Reply)

The theme tune
To Johnny Briggs was tops.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:39, Reply)

Johnny Briggs = A fucking grade A cunt.
I hated that show.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:41, Reply)

He seemed to me to be a pissy little northern wanker
and quite possibly also a bender.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:42, Reply)

It was no Jossies Giants.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Also full of northern wankers from what I can recall.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Mostly southern wankers, akshully.
Since it was set in London, I believe. The manager was a transplanted geordie trying to make sense of a world populated by southern scrotes who also happened to be shit at football.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:58, Reply)

Ah. As it was about football I didn't watch it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:59, Reply)

The Acrobat
If I'm at your house and you own a trombone, I will insist that you play this tune for me.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:59, Reply)

I am not very well
The barman at uni doesn't know what the contents of the pitchers they serve should be, so the one he made for me contained over a pint of pure spirits and tasted disturbingly medicinal. I ended up the most drunk I've ever been for £5.

He then made himself two more, came round to the other side of the bar (he had just got off his shift) and we started in on those as well. Things get hazy after that, but I remember teaching a very short and attractive spanish girl how to play pool, and apparently I have agreed to go swimming at 5pm today with somebody I've only met once before.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:40, Reply)

Male or female? (swimming)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Female
And fairly good looking.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:44, Reply)

Nice!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:45, Reply)

There was mention of a sauna afterwards
I don't know what it is - I've had more luck with women in the last couple of months than in the 21 previous years. Maybe it's the weight loss.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:47, Reply)

It's good to go through periods of that
Just don't be too surprised if it ends in a hurry.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:50, Reply)

You know what really impresses 'chicks', right?
If you spew up off the 'top board' and then do a massive stinger belly-flop into the spew.

Instant wide-on, I'm telling ya.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:43, Reply)

I have never been off a top board
All my training was in shallow diving. I still have the certificate that allows me to dive into the shallow end in competitions.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:46, Reply)

Ah but can you rescue a rubber brick, in your pyjamas? EH?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:49, Reply)

^ Important life skills here ^
I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't learned how to do that.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Yes. Yes I can.
I can also swim through a hoop, UNDERWATER.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I don't think I would want a partner to get a wide-on, it would be better if their minge-cringing, that way I'd get to touch both sides.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Somebody tell me to piss off please.
I've got loads of work to do.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:41, Reply)

piss off.
Then shit off.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:43, Reply)

Thanks! I'm off.
*waves*
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:45, Reply)

I wear skatewear.
And I am listening to Spiritualized.

A double whammy, no?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:42, Reply)

Spiritualised guitarist John (Coxon? May have made this up)
lives round the corner from me. He looks like a vagrant but has an incredible collection of guitars some of which are several hundred years old. He was in the Royal Oak with Jason Pierce a few months ago.

There's a namedrop for you, at this ungodly hour?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:48, Reply)

that's the dude.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:49, Reply)

I got pissed with him once.
We both agreed that Jeff Beck is one of the best guitarists ever. You probably don't like Jeff Beck because he's really good and not into 'Sadcore'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Hi Ho Silver Lining is a great track.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:58, Reply)

Probably not his finest work
But good for the wedding DJ market
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:04, Reply)

O_O

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

The b-side of that single
is Beck's Bolero. Also features Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Keith Moon on drums. They had such a good time they planned to do an LP together, but other commitments got in the way. So instead Page and Jones formed Led Zeppelin.

FASCINATING FACTS.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I will consider reading these diaries once I have read the new translation of War and Peace I have recently bought.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:45, Reply)

War and Peace is one of the best books I've ever read.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:48, Reply)

I haven't read it before.
I have just finished re-reading 1984. One of my favourite books.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:50, Reply)

One of my favourite years, too.
*does windmill*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:57, Reply)

The year that Fritzl first incarcerated his daughter apparently.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

its rubbish too many characters

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

true
keeping track of characters in russian novels is a pain in the hole.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:06, Reply)

They should give them all western names like Darrel and Chalisa

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Shaniqua Karenina

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

i just rmembered pierre as pete, made it much easier
oh and in the end when he's captured by the french and marched back across europe and actually gets his shit together and is released when they surrender and goes back to russia to start a family

thats gay that is
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

You know this guy?


That's you, that is.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

he looks quite handsome for an old guy, bet he gets all the fit birds

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Cretin.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

actually i'm from kos

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Ever since having to do that for year 12 English, I've loathed that book.
The most dreary, depressing thing I've ever read.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:02, Reply)

its good in places, but too may soirees and that to keep my interested

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:03, Reply)

I'm going to a soiree for NYE.
It's going to be FAR more fun than the soirees found in 1984.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:06, Reply)

i think you might be confused i was talking about war and peace
the only soiree in nineteen eightyfour is the one with the headcage full fo rats
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

I thought you were talking about 1984, sorry!
And that scene was horrid.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

dunno which version you was reading but there wasn't any soirees in the one i read

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Sounds better than the books we had to study
Granted, it was year 11, but we had to do Catcher In The Rye and Wuthering Heights. After WH, I was able to admit that it was a good book, but that I don't think I'll ever read it again. CITR can get to fuck.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Wuthering Heights is gay.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

That's why I doubt I'll ever read it again

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

it
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I had to do CITR too.
Didn't enjoy it or get into it at all. I'm glad I didn't have to do WH because I feel that would have ruined a classic for me and I'm on a real classics kick lately.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

It really is terrible, isn't it?
I can't blame you for not wanting to do Wuthering Heights though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

it ruined it for me
I had to do it for school and enjoyed reading it the first time. However after weeks of tedious scrutiny I realised that most of the characters were cunts.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Heathcliff was quite entertaining in how much of an utter bastard he actually was

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

ah yes
the animal torturing/killing (I can't remember) scamp
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Steals his foster brothers house, drives people to death, mistreats people, etc

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I've only read 'Animal Farm' of his
Is 1984 worth a read?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Definitely.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

deffo

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

No. It's awful.
Dreary, dull, mechanically written, I mean yes obviously you're supposed to feel as Winston Smith does but the end of the book is just fucking depressing as all get out. Don't bother with it.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Ignore her, it's good.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Definately, don't listen to the Australian

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

what's the difference between an australian and a yoghurt wiht no culture?
MUNCH BUNCH
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

He's allowed to listen to an alternate point of view if he so wishes.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

** SPOILER ALERT **
It all burns down at the end. Soz.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 8:58, Reply)

His parmesan cheese remains intact.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Hey hey I think calling Simon Pegg a cunt is a bit harsh.
I quite like his movies. Also, you are a bit odd. Other odd old coves include... well... actually I can't think of any!
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:00, Reply)

What Ho Mr Boyce.
I Have never read them, the closest I come is living next to Pepys Road.

I'm feeling fairly chipper today, which is nice.

The only person I know that might qualify as an old cove is my mates dad, the only mildly amusing or interesting thing I can think of about him is his remark " don't marry your first wife, marry your second", this was made at his son's (first) wedding so maybe I should add it to the QOTW, but I think it holds fairly true to be honest.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:00, Reply)

*old man with rampant drug habit of a teenager in "grow up" shocker*
Morning Monty. In a good mood, I see.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Teenagers today lack the backbone required to be as NAILS as me.
Two grains of 'meow meow' and it's all 'ooh I have liver failure, boo hoo' like that lightweight Leah Betts. Poofters, thelorrovem.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Hasn't there only been one or two deaths that were actually caused by mephedrone?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Yeah there has
the benders taking it caught sight of themselves in the mirror and immediately killed themselves
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Haha
I remember that they claimed two lads died after taking it, which was widely reported. What was reported a little quieter several days later is that they actually died from taking Methadone, not Mephedrone.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Also in many of the cases mephedrone was a contributing factor rather than all out cause

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Aye
I found the entire case ridiculous, how many scientists ended up either resigning or losing their jobs over the whole debacle? Proof that the general public has no place in drugs laws, as they're thick.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I tried it.
It wasn't pleasant. It was worth £7.50 a gram or whatever my pal paid for it - but no more than that. Not nice.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Surely if it wasn't pleasant then it WASN'T worth £7.50 as gram?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Anything to escape the grinding horror of his reality I expect.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

You may haver a point.
In other news, I can't get my MP3 player to work, which is pissing me off. All I have is a screen with the fucking logo on it. Won't switch off, none of the buttons do anything... oh for the days when you just shoved a tape in and off you went.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Have.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Haven't.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Morning you spasticated pile of fetid flesh sacks
I went to bed at 9 last night and yet for the third day running I have a headache, I think it might be brain AIDS, which would explain the spelling to some degree.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Speaking as a doctor
I am sorry to advise that you have Advanced Gayness of the Face. There's no known cure, although drinking bleach might slow it down a little.

Soz.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Righto...I'll start with this large black coffee if you don't mind

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

do you grind your teeth?

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

This.
I found out at the dentist that this was one reason why I kept waking up with a headache.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I do, whenever I see Nakers' execrable spelling.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

No...when i get stressed I clench my jaw in my sleep though
I think this is simply massive fatigue, that hopefully several long nights sleep will fix
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Send mother & baby away for a few days.
My wife took my daughter to Edinburgh yesterday. I got 10 hours sleep last night.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

If I do that I'll just end up out on the lash

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

if I get that much sleep in one go I end up with a hangover

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Crikey, you're in a good mood today
No I haven't.

Alt: The third little cave along the beach at Tenby. DO YOU GET IT

I feel like shit today, someone cheer me up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

*bums*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

*bums again*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Pick on Nakers.
That usually works for me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Glad i can be of service

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

I'm not a big meanie like you though
*hugs tree*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

Is that the tree you are tied to?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

The squirrels are my friends

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:35, Reply)

10/10
V good
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Drink shit, ill shit or woe-is-me shit?

( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:21, Reply)

The latter, sadly
I have a combination of headache and the squits, which as you can imagine is not a combination conducive to a good night's sleep. I would definitely have called in sick except NO FUCKER ELSE CAN DO MY JOB because they've all forgotten the training I gave them. Twice.

That'll be the woe-is-me part.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Morning
I have not. I am already a terrible scoundrel and I'm concerned that he'll just give me ideas.
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Here's a comic you'd like
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maus
(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:21, Reply)

I read comics
and I refuse to grow up, so how should I go about dying? I shall try and atone by reading The Diaries of Samuel Pepys which I own but shamefully have never read.

*edit* Old Coves. A friends father who we call Danger Burton as he enjoys literature, science, fine wines and throwing fireworks round the garden.
( Peej, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:22, Reply)

beg your wife for sex until she smashes your head in with a griddle pan

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:24, Reply)

She wants a new car and I earn a lot more than her.
I'm not needing to beg at the moment.
( Peej, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Just don't wash the blood off the griddle pan afterwards - you'll ruin the patina

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

He sounds like a superb fellow.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

a note to my trainee
when i hand you a file and ask you to make sure you have a copy and to make a coversheet, do NOT gawp at it then say to me: what is it? OPEN IT AND HAVE A LOOK. ffs.

she does not get a biscuit. she does not deserve a biscuit.

monty, how does one deal with one's underlings?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

You should give her a disciplinary bumming

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Just wrote something rather disturbing on here, not sure why
Treat them with as much respect as they deserve.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Kick her in the cod mitten.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

slap her in the spam purse

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:33, Reply)

kick her in the sausage wallet

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Stab her in the axe wound

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Punch her in the pig bite.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:43, Reply)

does he read b3ta?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

LOL you've been outed as Frisbee boy by the mods

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I told you all

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

is this true?
i wanted it to be bert. adam is just dull compared to bert.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:49, Reply)

wait what i wasn't?
he said quentin /= adam, surely the / means something?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Milk and two sugars, please Ad.
Ta.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)

And 14 copies of this
FUCK YOU
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

also thought i'd quote this for y'all because it made me laugh
bemoaning my current man issues to my friend last night, her comment was:

well dude, at least someone wants to eat your minge. mine is like the fucking coffee creme in the roses tin.

hahahaha.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Is she mixed race?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:33, Reply)

you have somewhat missed the point
of the unpopularity of the coffee creme as a "treat".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:34, Reply)

If she is so common as to own a tin of Roses ,then I fear it is she, that has missed the point

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I always used to like the coffee ones. I'm a bit narked that they got rid of those
And left forty different varieties of fucking caramels in there. Christmas has been a little bittersweet ever since.
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:35, Reply)

caramels are in no way bitter
there is something wrong with your tongue
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Salt caramels are

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

no they are not
they have slight tang, but they are not bitter like lemon!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

No, Nakers. They are SALTY.
Not bitter. The clue is in the word 'SALT'.

Jesus fucking Christ man.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Hold on, does that mean sour and sweet are also different things?
My world has just been turned upside down.
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

You are Will Smith AICMFP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:44, Reply)

I was being facetious
Jesus fucking Christ man.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

There's a dark caramel one that actually tastes like snot.
Why didn't they get rid of that one? I used to love it when Roses were around, I knew for a fact there'd be a big pile of coffee creams left over and that nobody would mind if I scarfed the whole fucking lot.

DAMN YOU CADBURY'S
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Tasty but sadly discontinued?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

urgh you are so wrong
coffee revels, roses, the works. grim.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

I think the word you are looking for is lovely.
But then, as we know our tastes differ.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Your friend is (select all that apply)
Mad
Fat
Smelly
Ugly
Stupid
Dull
Saggy
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

depressingly none of this is true
she's slim, attractive, clever and great fun. has had 39 first dates in the last 18 months.

men are shite!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

39 dates with how many different men?

(TheColonel, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

The clue is in 'first', so I'm guessing 39.
This, of course, means that she is a fickle mare with standards no man can possibly tick all the boxes for, thus resulting in her living out her days as a cat obsessed spinster in a bungalow that smells oddly of fish and lavender.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:46, Reply)

She's mental then. Must be.
Or is she on the baby clock countdown? Men can sense that particular form of wild desperation, you know.
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Some even get off on it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

And how many second and third dates?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

about 9 of them led to a second date
and 4 of them to a third.

they sounded dreadful. one of them had never heard of a cheese board. surely the clue is in the question. surely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:51, Reply)

That
Is a first world problem.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:58, Reply)

This is your definition of dreadful?
A vbit odd to be sure, but hardly awful.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I'd offer, but I already know you'll say something along the lines of 'She's out of your league, and she'd break you, blah blah, etc'
So I'm going to guess she's mental too.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:43, Reply)

Men are surprisingly perceptive.
There's clearly something wrong with her.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Tick tock, I'm telling you.

( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:46, Reply)

you know
what is hilarious about this, is that you men have all assumed it was the men who didn't call back.

the obvious truth is that sometimes it was, sometimes she wasn't interested.

like i said... men are shite!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:52, Reply)

+wo

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:53, Reply)

We made this assumption because you signed off with "men are shite"
The insinuation is clear.
( Kroney, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:56, Reply)

yes
as in, the men are so shite, she didn't want to date them!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:57, Reply)

The truth is somewhere in the middle here I suspect.
The ones she wanted to see again could smell the whiff of hormonal desperation about her and the rest were a load of autisms that she has so far not succumbed to.

As she gets older she will probably succumb to the 'charms' of an autism. If she doesn't then she will move onto the multi-cat-owning spinster and lavender stage.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Incidentally Swipey, are you sure that we're talking about 'a friend' here?
LOLZ.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 9 Nov 2011, 10:05, Reply)

could be worse
it could be a full tin of Quality Street
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)