My daughter called me a 'bummer' yesterday morning.
I asked her to repeat it in case I'd misheard but no, 'you're a bummer, Daddy' was what she said.

What was the low point of your weekend?

Alt: What was the high point of your weekend?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:27, 269 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

High. JeffStock
Low. The day after.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:29, Reply)

Innit.
Until I was called a gaylord by a three-year-old I firmly believed my life could not get any worse.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:31, Reply)

I hope Len
Said, 'no returns' after.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:36, Reply)

She tried to
But my expert dead leg delivery cut her down before she could say 'ABC'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Hahahahaha!
She got the memo then?
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:30, Reply)

I had a good weekend. Soz.
I dun these: b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1466422
Thought you might like them. Maybe not. Soz again.
Links REALLY didn't. They all wished me dead and stuff.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:30, Reply)

Oh superb.
I am going to treat myself to reading those as a reward for doing a small amount of work this morning.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Steady on, old chap.
Let's not get too carried away with the work today, eh?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:49, Reply)

I wish I had a choice.
I have fuck-loads to do.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha
Probably leaving my work night out early because I was so fucking tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

Alt: The pork dinner I cooked for myself yesterday, magnificent
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:31, Reply)

calling you a bummer
Hello Daddy.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:31, Reply)

Shit log-in, young lady.
Still, good typing for a three-year-old so I'll let you off.

Plz tell mummy she's a fucking awful shitcunt. Thx x x x
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:34, Reply)

Perceptive little tyke.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:35, Reply)

Listen, I DID NOT PUSH BACK, OK?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:36, Reply)

But you want to, don't you?

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:46, Reply)

*cries*
Yes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:47, Reply)

Low point: Driving 45 mins in pissing rain to take my son to the National Space Centre
Only to be told on arrival that they were closing in 15 minutes "because it is December" (?); then being charged best part of £40 to go in (it's ok readers - we can use these tickets repeatedly for the next 12 months). Oh, and the tight cunts charge for their car park too.

High point: getting stuck into a nice bottle of Port as soon as we got home again.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:36, Reply)

I had no idea we had a Space Centre here.
Surely it's completely shit, no?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:41, Reply)

Well, it is in Leicester
You may draw your own conclusions from that.
Kids seem to like it though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:45, Reply)

Kids like a lot of things.
*leers*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:47, Reply)

"But I don't like that, Uncle Monty. It hurts..."

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:48, Reply)

'This will hurt you
a great deal more than it hurts me'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:53, Reply)

That pissed me off about Legoland too. Charging for the fucking car park.
They could at least just have built it into the ticket price. They'd get the same amount of money and wouldn't piss people off so much.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:02, Reply)

I hope you gave her a backhander.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:41, Reply)

I'm in no position to bribe anyone these days.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:42, Reply)

LOL.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:42, Reply)

Lol.
Did you punch her in the face for taking the piss?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:45, Reply)

I kicked her in the minge.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:47, Reply)

I had a pretty good weekend
paying for it quite heavily now though.

The three year old I babysit for sometimes once told me I'd ruined her life because I wouldn't let her wear pink tights. I laughed at her and she got even angrier. Kids are great, aren't they?
(berk, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:03, Reply)

On the whole they are quite shit, but your own seem to be ok.
Kids are like farts - you can just about tolerate your own.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:09, Reply)

^ This is quite possibly the best summary of parenthood I've ever read

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:20, Reply)

It's jolly good.
*steals*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:28, Reply)

No highs or lows for me.
I'm riding a wave of mediocrity.
( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:59, Reply)

That should be a lyric from a Noel Gallagher song.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:01, Reply)

It's too good for that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:01, Reply)

I just thougt it sounded autobiographical.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:02, Reply)

This review in the Independent amused me
From Simon Price (ex of Melody Maker): www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/reviews/album-noel-gallaghers-high-flying-birds-noel-gallaghers-high-flying-birds-sour-mash-2371497.html
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Ha. I like.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:07, Reply)

That's brilliant

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Superb.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I had to watch
"Barbie in 'The Nutcracker'".

Which I thought was the low point of my weekend.

Until I had to watch it again.

Also, I am waiting for a chest of drawers I built to fall apart, because I got bored and started putting the screws in with a hammer.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:00, Reply)

Luckily for me
my nipper is obsessed with Spongebob and I can happily watch that all day long.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:03, Reply)

That I could cope with, yes.
The niece does like The Simpons, at least. But now she understands it it's harder to decide which episodes my brother won't tell me off for letting her watch.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:05, Reply)

It is all Harry Fucking Potter in my house at the moment
I had always suspected that it was shit, I have now had this confirmed.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:06, Reply)

I honestly think she made me watch the Barbie thing
in the knowledge that it would mean in future she could watch whatever she wanted if it saved me from ever having to sit through that brain damage giving cauldron of boiling shit again. I'd happily sit through all the Harry Potters now instead.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Low: hangovers and lack of sleep
high: two naps on Saturday
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:00, Reply)

H: Jeffstock.
L: Brandy at Jeffstock.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Woofter.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Buying brandy at 9pm on a Friday means
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1421483
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Actual low would be that my baby girl is with the grandparents and my wife until Christmas
I didn't think it was possible to miss a tiny little pooing buddha so much.

high: I am free until Christmas to try and kill myself with booze, WOOP!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Party at yours then?

( girlinthehole, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Sexeh party!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:07, Reply)

WOOO!!! FREE HOUSE!!!!!!
*informs Facebook*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:06, Reply)

House would be a massive stratch of the imagination for 1 bed flat

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Also, Facebook, really?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Don't worry
He wouldn't have the first idea how to do that.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

It's almost as if I was just joking, isn't it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

That would necessitate your post being funny

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Having watched 'Argumental' last night, I am no longer convinced that 'being funny' is considered a vital component of a joke.
And yes, I only have myself to blame for watching 'Argumental'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:14, Reply)

It is awful

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:16, Reply)

better than beeing a bum-ee

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Morning bert, I like your new name

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

good morning naked ape, si there a reason for why uyou have two spaces between your names?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Rory stole my name

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:11, Reply)

what a cock

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:14, Reply)

tru fax

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:15, Reply)

GIVE HIM HIS NAME BACK YOU BIG MEAN BULLY

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:23, Reply)

So, is this the consensus now? We have uncovered Bert again?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:10, Reply)

i saw puss in boots at the weekend, it was VERY good

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:11, Reply)

puss in boots my cock in my sister
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

So did I.
My son enjoyed it more than me though.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

I wish kitty softpaws had had a sex scene tho

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:13, Reply)

She did. In my dreams.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:18, Reply)

um bongle!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:20, Reply)

You made your sister dress up in some sexy boots?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Oh I hope so. I am just in the mood...

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:11, Reply)

I'm going to assume it is until told otherwise.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

This is the angle I'm taking

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:12, Reply)

for what? are we having hug a mong day on off topic?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:13, Reply)

*hugs*
Yes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I feel like I've been replaced : (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Hahaha
Don't worry, Nakers, I've room on my horse for two.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Aw, that always makes me cry.
You're so sweet.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:20, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:19, Reply)

very pretty

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I watched Captain America last night, it was fucking shit`
what shall i watch tonight?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Captain America.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:29, Reply)

tempting, but no I don't think i will
Someone was trying to persuade me to watch 'Milk', but I'm pretty sure if I watch it it'll make me gay
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:31, Reply)

Seen it before, then?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Yeah, i watched it with your mum

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:33, Reply)

OK that was good.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

*dies happy*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Aw, I liked it!
It's a bit silly, but I thought it was good fun. I do have a huge soft spot for that type of movie though, so I'm probably not an impartial judge.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:32, Reply)

The 'fight scenes' were so shit
it just involved people running at each other shooting
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:34, Reply)

You were warned
you should watch The Eagle instead
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

The Green Lantern

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

Oh God, now THAT was shit.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I fucked up. So have removed it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:32, Reply)

well, now i know what i'm gettin old mum for christmas

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:33, Reply)

I also noticed this
FROM THE MOON!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:35, Reply)

can't see pictures, what is going on/

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:35, Reply)

Arse transplant apparently, to cure c.diff

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:37, Reply)

THERESBEENASPELLINGMISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Apparently not
It really is transplanting shite into someone elses gut to cure c-diff
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Oh man, you don't know what you're missing here...
It's possibly the best thing that has ever been posted on offtopic.
Unlucky Nakers
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:38, Reply)

You make it sound like it's up against stiff competition...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:40, Reply)

Not as good as this picture
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post693291
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:46, Reply)

I was only trying to make Nakers feel like he was missing out.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:47, Reply)

No it's correct.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I agreer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

Low point being woken up at 4am by the police kicking in my neighbours door.
High point teaching montys daughter the word bummer or the rap battle I went to. I'm very street.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Do you know what your neighbours have been up to?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

rape

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I heard the police were looking for a suspected rapist, but had to let the man go due to a case of mistaken identity

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I heard the same, before you

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:44, Reply)

and with less detail

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

I blame the rape battle that he went to

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I chuckled.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

for that unnecessary insult
I'm going to eat a pack of crisps without even looking at the calorie count.
THAT'LL SHOW YOU!
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

b3ta.turb0t.net/questions/offtopic/post1466846
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Speed is key here

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:51, Reply)

No idea but they weren't playing nice.
I heard OPEN THE DOOR then a bunch of banging GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR NOW and then HANDS ON YOUR HEAD, DROP IT and LIE ON THE FLOOR.
All between 4:20 and 4:30am on Sunday.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Oooh exciting.
I once heard someone trying to hide in the stairwell of my block being tracked by coppers with dogs who apprehended the miscreant and dragged him off. Also the bikers who lived next door to me in Kentish Town got busted for growing weed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I have no idea how I'd actually find out what was going on.
Except if I maybe ring them up saying the door still isn't secured.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Yup be a helpful aka nosey citizen.
I think it might be a fair question to ask anyway to be honest - would they be allowed to tell you what charge your neighbour is on?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Probably not unless it gets released.
They usually only say "a 24 year old male" rather than name anyone don't they?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:54, Reply)

No
I was visitinga friend in battersea once and couln't get to his flat because SO19 were everywhere, turns out there was a 'gun factory' next door, we had to trick a copper into telling us.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:55, Reply)

That must have been difficult, trying to outwit a policeman

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

I say I say I say; I'm not saying coppers are stupid,
but they can be tricked by Naked Ape (with help)

*cigars*
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

LOL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Have you seen the trailer for the remake of The Marx brothers?
wow, just wow
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

I didn't know such a thing existed.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

You are one of the lucky ones
movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810209498/video/27533796

Ah, I meant the three stooges
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Are you mixing this up with The Three Stooges?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Do you mean the 3 Stooges?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:11, Reply)

maybe

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I saw that trailer the other day, made me want to weep for humanity.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

You are such a fucking emo

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:22, Reply)

LOL

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

+e

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Oh, I chuckled at Amberl's already. but i see by the time stamp you said it first.
So I am just being nice and informing you I would have found that funny had I not already seen it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

damn straight

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

An excellent weekend!
High point(s) - Saturday's excellent steak dinner at my place with the G/F and Emily followed by 'The rise of the planet of the apes' on the big screen in my living room. Then sunday's bout of 'Twang club' with Pooflake and the boys - much merriment and beer!
Low point - burning my mouth and most of my digestive tract with seekh kebabs made with a shop bought mix (with badly-translated instructions).

Due to the aforementioned kebabs I am awaiting an arse apocalypse which could necessitate putting the wet wipes in the fridge.


Pray for me *whimpers*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Yesterday downstairs had a lock in, eventually at 2 in the morning I went downstairs in my dressing gown...
.... and I was tapping and tapping away on the window and no one heard, so I used my keyes and shouted a bit, and no one heard, so I start walking upstairs to go and get my window-hammer (the kind you get with the fire extinguisher, you see them on busses in case you need to smash the glass in) to smash the glass in, I was that pissed off. I then noticed the light switch was on my side, so I turned it on'n'off, and fucking hell, a really reallly really pretty girl comes over and says "Sorry, so sorry, didn't realise the time, we'll turn the music down straight away".... and I forgot what I was angry about until I went upstairs, when I got angry again that (a) I didn't get to smash the glass in (b) I didn't even get to swear and (c) I didn't ask to join them and be in the company of that pretty lady some more.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

When do you move? Or is this the new place?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

On the 28th ! I can't wait, the place got painted yesterday, the wallpaper goes up tomorow.
I don't know why I'm now excited by wallpaper and paint colours, it should be the dullest thing in the world, if wallpaper was interesting people wouldn't need to put up pictures or have TVs. But because it's my choice, it's exciting.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Is it flavoured?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

you should have flashed her, girls love that

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Low point was working until after 11pm on Friday
The rest of the weekend was cracking!

Went to the Tanfield Steam railway for a Polar Express trip to the "North Pole" to see Santa. Very good and worth the money. Booked for Christmas Eve next year. Saw Causey Arch from the train too, oldest known railway bridge apparently.

Sunderland actually won a game, had a good roast chicken dinner, got all the presents wrapped and the Mrs won a free meal for two on her night out on Friday which we are partaking of this evening
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Oh man you are going to fucking love berni inn
I recommend the prawn cocktail
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

This makes no sense

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:08, Reply)

He's saying your wife works in Greggs

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:11, Reply)

They sell prawn cocktail in Greggs now?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

in pastry

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:18, Reply)

I do not believe you, sir

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

They call it a volavont, I believe

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:30, Reply)

In Greggs?
*drops monocle*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)

erni um n g
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

*reads*
*computes*
*understands*
*lols*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:20, Reply)

The Sunderland game was excellent.
You didn't look like a struggling team at all.

The Spurs game was great too, although Chris Foy is a fuckwit.

Between the two of them they almost made me forget that Southend finally lost.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:09, Reply)

he should really stick to cycling

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:14, Reply)

A-Hoy, Hoy.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

It was mainly the fact that Sunderland looked like they might score
Made a nice change
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Low point: West Brom losing to fucking Wigan
(this is football, Monty, move along)

An evening with friends in Shrewsbury with weird cocktails and then a fab curry was probably the high point.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Is there anything more depressing to consider than West Bromich and Wigan

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:17, Reply)

But did you pronounce it Shr-oos-bury or Shr-ohs-bury?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Sh-i-te

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I grew up there and I still don't know which one is "right"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I was born there and I think it's Shr-oos-bury, but I'm not sure.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Oh god, were we born in the same hospital?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Shrewsbury general I think.
I'm a lot younger than you though.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Ah, I was Copthorne
but I think that's gone now.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:42, Reply)

I have a pal who moved there
He says 'Shroosebury', but I always thought is was Shrosebury.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I suspect they use your pronunciation in the posh end of town
And the other in the rough end of town.
Oh hang on... is there actually a posh end of town?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:40, Reply)

The whole place is pretty posh.
It's not exactly Dunstable.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:42, Reply)

when I was a kid the locals said it was about which side of the river you grew up on.
I've always pronounced it Shrosebury if that helps.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:42, Reply)

The latter, mostly
It seema quite a pleasant place, although that might be rose-tinted due to cocktails.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:35, Reply)

where did you go cocktail drinking?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:37, Reply)

The Libertine
www.eatshrewsbury.co.uk/reviews-The-Libertine.php
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:00, Reply)

I have no idea whether it was low or high
I spent Saturday night in a shifty pool bar in Haymarket, mostly losing money. On the plus side, there were a remarkably high quotient of attractive ladies for what I expected to be a "gentlemen-only venue"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:23, Reply)

Is it true that Monica Luwinski put a cigar in her vagina ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Probably. Why are you asking me? I've done many things in my life
but presidential intern isn't one, I'm afraid.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Train of thought
Snooker club -> hot women -> women who smoke -> women who smoke cigars -> George Takai -> cigars in inappropriate places -> monica luwinski
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Back on the morphine Gonoz?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:32, Reply)

I see.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:32, Reply)

high point - seeing lots of different friends
low point - email from the ex, who managed precisely 4 days of no-contact. which i ignored. but then he emailed again. to say sorry for emailing. and i was drunk. then there followed by string of emails and texts and now somehow we are going for "friendly" drinks next sat before we both go on our respective christmas holidays.

also seeing/meeting what has to be london's only gay sikh magician. there's niche for you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I am really very happy indeed to have a word with ol' chutters for you.
He's annoying ME now. Gaz me his details.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:32, Reply)

i'll just have to meet some dude in barbados, that'll cure me
here, this will make you laugh - stumbled across it online over the weekend, and put it on /qotw because it seemed a bit apt... what a total tosser! i seriously hope he was being sarcastic...

I am middle aged, not in the best shape and a little thin on top. All I want is a girlfriend, not a prostitute. I also want someone beautiful, (plain chicks turn me off).

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:34, Reply)

He sounds like a funny chap.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:39, Reply)

middle aged and uses the word "chicks" ?
Oh, he's definitely not a total fucking tool.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

i am hoping that it was meant to be a joke
because otherwise he is too stupid to be alive
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Oh, I dunno
I am amazed on an almost daily basis at the baseline for just how stupid it is possible to be and still be alive.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:43, Reply)

depressing but true

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Hmm...
First your daughter outs you as a bummer. Next you are asking 'Swipe for her gay ex's contact details.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:47, Reply)

That wasn't very bright, was it?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Oh FFS.
have a word with yourself, eh?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:33, Reply)

which word would you suggest?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:35, Reply)

WILLPOWER.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:37, Reply)

NO

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I have run out of sympathy for you on this.
Just tell him to fuck off for once and for all.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)

i have no sympathy whatsoever for myself
i'm a total and utter fucking moron. i blame the vodka.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:40, Reply)

He just wants to get it wet one last time, more like

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:40, Reply)

nah
he wants the more confusing stuff. sex is just sex.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Don't do it!
If he was such a colossal bellend (as you described) he's only suffering from 'Oh my god I'm going to be single at Xmas' syndrome. He is male and therefore (almost certainly) unable to be 'friends' with a female with whom he's been squelchy.

Just sayin'.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

he's off to thailand for 2 weeks with his mates
believe me, he's perfectly happy to be single at christmas!

i am now timing how long it takes monty or sporty to say the word "ladyboy".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:43, Reply)

I'd say that for them, but I don't like talking about myself.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:44, Reply)

If he helps, he probably won't end up with a lady-boy, he'll more likely end up with an unreversable STI.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:46, Reply)

you mean that he catches from a toilet seat
whilst sitting on it crying about how much he misses me?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:47, Reply)

I just like the idea there are therefore "reversible" STDs
"Oh, hold on. I don't like that. Let's just reverse that one, eh?"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:49, Reply)

well crabs are curable...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:50, Reply)

so are several others
but I don't really think that's the same as "reversible" ...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:50, Reply)

reminds me of the bedshitter. pearoast, but suck it up...
when he was on holiday with a previous girlfriend a few years before i met him, and she passed out drunk, he went out anyway. met a girl. shagged her on the beach. and she "only asked for taxi fare".

me: so she was a prostitute then?

him: er... anyway, it was AMAZING, she totally insisted that we only had anal.

me: so she was a ladyboy then?

him: er...........................

his face was a fucking picture. the more he protested, the more i could see i had made him very seriously unhappy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I like this

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:55, Reply)

we're like a mutual appreciation society here today

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:57, Reply)

*chest bumps*
*defcon bongle*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:59, Reply)

When he starts explaining by roat the exact same text of the "Non sexual transfer of [desease]" from wikipedia, it's best to just move on.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:51, Reply)

i think that point was about 2 months ago
i'm just very slow on the uptake
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Haha, you're gonna fuck him, and then your entire holiday in barbaydos will be "WHY WON'T HE RETURN MY TEXTS !?!??!?!?!" when in the mean time, you'll turn down some big hot barbaydiosiun cock...
... the kind of cock where you just _know_ he sleeps with all the rich white girls who come over, the kind who get off on known that Daddy is in the next room and will leave a week's wages worth of tips because he's been so attentive (without realising quite how attentive) he's been. AND THEN, you'll regret not having that big fat juicy cock because some wrinkly old-man-balls has got your mind racing when you don't even like them anymore.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:43, Reply)

you terrible racist.
I bet he sleeps with all the rich Asian guys' daughters too.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I'm sure he doesn't mind where the rich buisnessman's daughter is from.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:52, Reply)

much as the guys in the caribbean are super-hot
i'd be too frightened to shag one. i've been on girly holidays when friends have done that, and they can't walk for a week afterwards. i don't fancy being split in two, thank you very much. nor explaining to my father why i am walking like john wayne.

i shall be looking, discreetly from behind my chanels, but not touching.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:55, Reply)

It'll be spilling out your nose by the time you're done.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Oh, man, you've thought about this WAY too much

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:57, Reply)

massive stereotyping, right here. Terrible.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

meh, i'm sure there are many caribbean guys with tiny cocktail cocks
but my friends and i have never come across them (in any sense of the word) on our trips to various islands!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:58, Reply)

I've got an image of you getting ready to go out
sunnies - check
lipgloss - check
phone - check
ruler - check.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:00, Reply)

you know me so, so very well

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Haha, that'll be just Swipey's luck, going all the way there and ended up shagging someone with a tiny (for the region) 8.5 incher.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:01, Reply)

omg your mind is a colourful hotbed this morning
i definitely will not be shagging the ex!

but it sounds as if you might quite like some bajan cock, dude!!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Gonz is mad for big black cock.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:47, Reply)

this should so be his sig

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Whatever happens, big jucy cock or wrinkly balls, or more than likely, both, they'll be lots and lots of regret and tears.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:55, Reply)

just cancel you mong

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:47, Reply)

this is probably excellent advice

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I'll draft an email for you
Sorry, *enter name of bender here*, I can't make drinks on Saturday as I am having my growler waxed in preperation for all Christmas sex I'll being having while you're smoking some fat thai pole.

kthxbyeeeee

PS You're bent
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:54, Reply)

i like this so so much

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:55, Reply)

then use it.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

sigh

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:08, Reply)

waxed growler. best of all the growlers.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

this is very true. however.
a friend of mine was telling me at the weekend about HER friend (so i knew it was her) who had a guy walk out on her when he saw her "retro" muff. apparently his exact words were:

"sorry, i'm not dealing with that."

how fucking rude is that?! let's see him have his balls waxed, then he can comment...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:07, Reply)

what the hell is a "retro" muff?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Back in the old days ladies didn't groom that particular area.
cf. hedge porn.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Also know as ...
... A 'Judith' - viz the character in 'Life of Brian' with a seriously untamed pubic forest.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

ahh.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:20, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5BfYLI8bXI
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

An au naturale one

(berk, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Low point?
finding out that the position I got offered at my university is both full time, and unpaid. Meaning I can't take it, because well, I have to eat and pay rent and travel to uni, and these things cost money, of which I have not enough of and two work enough to do all those things on top of a full time position would just about ruin me...

High point? finding a frog in my pot plants.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Unpaid work pisses me off, it's exclusivley available for people who's parent's/partners can pay their way.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:43, Reply)

yeah pretty much.
And the bit I find really gutting is that this was a perfect opportunity for me. It was in geelong so I could have a social life again, it was pretty much a brilliant way to get my foot in the door and get an edge over other people in my class for after uni. AND I would have been working in the medical research labs being awesome in my lab coat.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Well tell them that you really want the job but can't afford for it to be unpaid.
They might be able to find some money. Even if it's totally unpaid they should pay you travel costs to and from your house.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:49, Reply)

but it's 600 miles

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I tried.
the guy said there was no money in his budget and that it was either unpaid or not at all.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Ah, fuck them then.
If they're like that at the beginning they'll treat you like shit the whole time you work there, get something else.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:04, Reply)

keeps the riff raff out though

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:48, Reply)

That's what the ethnic monitoring forms are for.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:50, Reply)

white british ftw

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Worst employees eva

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 10:58, Reply)

You bigoted woman

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Soz, got me rag on
and an itchy bumhole from me weekly shave
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:02, Reply)

My brain read that as finding a frog in my hot pants
Are you Kylie Minogue?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Kylie Minge-toad more like

(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Very good

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Back in blighty
Jetlagged to fuck
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:09, Reply)

It's AIDS sorry to be the bearer
but you caught it whilst bumming the bright orange cabin boy on the way back
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:11, Reply)

It's just nice to know

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:23, Reply)

High point: doing MacGuyver on the Christmas tree legs and it actually staying up (wonky)
Low point: either the cat ambush from within said tree or Saturday's hangover, or the taxi driver educating us in 'Mickey Finns' and drugging soemone's drink to 'have your way with them' but not rape them oh no.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:16, Reply)