Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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last night i had to help my girlfriends mum reset her digital tvand she was shouting at me 'NO YOU HAVE TO READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS THE GOVENMENT PUT THEROUGH MY DOOR, FACTORY RESET THE TV, YAAAARGH' and i said no you don't and just fixed it by doing an autotune and she hit me on the arm.
When it was finished and she could watch emmerdale again she gave me an unnerving smile and i left.
When was the last time an old person hit you or gave you incorrect instructions when you knew better, or came onto you?
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:20, 208 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Last weekEasiest £200 I've ever earnt. Some people have very specific fetishes.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:24, Reply)
i've never heard of any old men who are into sequinned, creosote-skinned primadonnas beforeyou learn something new etc
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
yesterday i learned that your wife is an underage rent boywho only passes for a much older woman because of the thick layers of foundation he covers himself in
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:31, Reply)
Him and battered are going to have a fight on Saturday.And I've got better things to do on sunday than read b3ta.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
Can someone please explain what's going on between Battered and Gonz? I've seen the fallout but don't know where it's came from.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Battered got very upset on the internetand decided to pick on what he thought was an easy target.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:42, Reply)
i don't think battered is cut out for the internet, i don't like that he flounces every day(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
But what's important is that he keeps on coming back.That shows character and strength, which is what you need when you're fighting Gonz.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
No, they are. Battered threw down the gauntlet (not very far 'cause his hands are only about 12 inches off the floor)and Gonz picked it up.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
i'm gonna give you a straight answer so we can be matesi said i was paying battered's wife for sex, gonz said something similar in his usual style, saying something about chucking her off a cliff and coming as they hit the bottom
and battered got really upset about it and started threatening gonz
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:53, Reply)
He's the one who said he was gonna pay me a tenner to do it !(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:57,
Reply)
tsk, i'll have a word with manolith and see if we can have him perma-banned(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:58, Reply)
I have a feeling he'd be quite proud of that, he could then bitch'n'moan about how he upset me enough to go to the mods.Even though he's gone to the mods more than anyone, and I've personally seen him go to other message boards that has ex-b3tans to diss us lot.... they told him to go bore off and banned him inside a week too.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:02,
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Yeah', a handful.People who have gotten bored of this place over the years but wanna keep in touch with each other or are offline mates.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:14,
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That's not a bad deal reallyBecause one, you get to have sex, which is rarely a bad thing, and two, you get ten pounds, and you can get yourself a nice fish supper and probably a can of Rio to to go with it.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:59, Reply)
Bob drinks cans of Rio.Just saying like...
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:03,
Reply)
Feels a bit wrong to get a chippy dinner after having sex with someone and not sharing it, but if she's dead, then she can't join in.I'll just chuck half the dinner over the edge of the cliff after her, and I'll have both the end pieces of the cod too.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:04,
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you're such a gent gonz.how come you're single?
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:06,
Reply)
Battered keeps cock blocking himand then knocking up the birds, and Gonz doesn't want soiled goods.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:07, Reply)
LOLZ! battered should turn 360 from the keyboard and walk away.
did he mention you shit in a bag? I bet he did.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:01,
Reply)
Won't that leave him facing the keyboard again?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:03,
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it's a popular /talk meme.sorry for any confusion caused.
it can also be called a pedant trap.
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:05,
Reply)
Are you being pedantic about the pedant trap?Or have I missed another joke?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:08,
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Thanks Quenters, we are now officially best buddies.I actually saw that bit, but I assumed that something had happened before that to start it all off.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:00, Reply)
According to the American Journel of Phsycological Thinggies (tm) (c) (r), there is no such thing as short man syndrome.I think if I had the noggin' to write a medical documentation, we can get "[his real sirname] Phycosis" as a regonised condition. I'm not entirely sure if he'd be proud of that or not, he seems to be proud of such unusual things.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:51,
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He's very proud about knocking up his wife and then having to marry her to stop her old man beating his head in.(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
Now now, let's be fair, a man can just as much trap a women as a women can trap a man.And being born out of wedlock is only a bad thing when it comes to the monarchy.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:58,
Reply)
Sorry to tell you this QuentersBut your girlfriend has used you. She's only stayed with you long enough to get her old dear's telly sorted.
You can now consider yourself dumped. Soz.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:25, Reply)
She will have to communicate her wishes through the medium of phlegm.(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:28, Reply)
my downstairs neighbour is old and expresses herself by hitting.you make a joke, she laughs then punches you.
one day I'm gonna stab the fucking bitch, see how she likes it!
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:29,
Reply)
i wish this were an option, this little old lady has a beretta and two AK-47s(all deactivated, but still)
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:32, Reply)
fuck!don't mess with her g, bitch be crazy!
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mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:34,
Reply)
she put the footie on and said Barca are the best team in the FA cupand i shrugged and stole her pension
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:44, Reply)
An old person just came round my house.It was my granddad, he brought me a sausage sarnie from the baker's. He's my hero (seriously).
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
arh my granddad is my hero too, he killed loads of english in ww2why is your papa's support of your obesity so important to you?
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:45, Reply)
I'm so lithe that I can afford to eat sausage sarnies now and again. My granddad was a key mover and shaker in the Wapping print riots, hero.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:52, Reply)
He locked the doors and carried the condiments?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:53,
Reply)
You sang her a song using autotune?Like Cher?
You classy guy, you.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:43,
Reply)
I believe in destroying 2000 years of culture.And I believe in Ibuleve.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)
Last time I went toe to toe with Monty.LOL but the joke was on him, he said 'square go' and I chibbed him.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 10:43, Reply)
Your dad hit me because I wouldn't fuck him up the arse.So I did your mum to make him jealous.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:04, Reply)
My dad would do quite well to hit youHe was cremated 11 years ago.
I called my mum to confirm your story and she says you were the worst shag she ever had. And she would know, she's had a few.
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Peej, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:08,
Reply)
Why would he care that his mother is an unresponsive lover?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:31,
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I think Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe may be the best pop song of modern times. I hate myself for liking it mind.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:04, Reply)
I quite like that 'We Are Young' track(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:08,
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That was Supergrass, you bent Taffy bastard.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:14,
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Or 'There'sLovelyGrass' as their Welsh fans call them.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:15,
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That was 'Alright', you fucken prickname(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:17,
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Who's that by?Heard that the other day and was irritatingly impressed
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:16, Reply)
What? Seriously?There's a band called "Fun" now? We really have run out of names
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:18, Reply)
Have just had a listenFrankly, it fits into the incredibly slender category of songs where the Glee Cast version is better.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Aaand, there goes the Darth scale again.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:56,
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I'd totally do that Lana del Ray woman.Apparently that makes me a deviant.
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Kroney, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:12,
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I had this discussion on Tuesday. Don't tell a girl you don't think LDR is that hot because their response will be "well what the fuck does that make me then?".
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:13, Reply)
It makes you a fucking emowith shit taste in depressing music.
Sorry to be the bearer
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:16, Reply)
Apologies, misread your original postIf you could fill her mouth I'd be very grateful
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)
I'll see you that (admittedly rather good) songand raise you "Grace Kelly" by Mika
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:18, Reply)
A mate of mine has done that at karaoke a couple of timesAbsolutely superb.
I fucking hate the original though, had to listen to it several times a day for months.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:22,
Reply)
I have actually got to the point now where I'm almost fed up of itTook 5 years
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
When I worked at McDonalds, it was on the soundtrack that we had sent to us.There was only about 15-20 songs on there, so I'd hear it several times per shift.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
Reply)
I am very excited about the BIG FIGHT on SaturdayI'm going to make a Team Gonz tshirt. No offence to Battered, but if Gonz wins and, flushed in his victory, turns on the crowd then I want him to know I'm on his side. If Battered wins and turns on the crowd then it'll be fine because I'll just stand on a table.
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Kroney, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:04,
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I might do my hair like Don King and see if I can make some money out of the event.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:05,
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Meeting people off of the internet is dangerous!(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:08,
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That is a Bad joke, Jeff(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:10,
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Well, Kroney started talking about boxing and it went from there.Remember the 'Thriller' in Manila?
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:12,
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You make it sound Black or White.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:19,
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A Nigel Ben reference might have worked were we still on boxingI might Scream with frustration
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:22, Reply)
+nI Remember The Time he nearly killed Gerald McClellan
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:24,
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Jacko never had a song called Benn thoughEither get your facts right or Beat It
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
Ah, fuckThought you'd spelled it wrong. Leave Me Alone, I'm going to go and Cry now.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:28,
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No chance, Girlfriend.I'm Happy without you.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
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How did you get onto Avril Lavigne?A question the other members of Sum 41 frequently asked Bizzy D
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:33, Reply)
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girlfriend_%28Wings_song%29
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:34,
Reply)
Yeah I know, my MJ knowledge is MontyesqueI just thought that was a funnier response than something about offering you a slice of toast with raspberry Jam
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Bill Clay if indeed that's really you.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25,
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It's fake Monty/Swipe/Chompy/Applesomething(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
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You'll have to have a word with the barkeep, plastic cups only or some cunt'll get glassed(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:13,
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I've got a feeling it is all plastic cups on the cider boat.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:14,
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Who gets to referee two fat blokes rolling around on the floor with each other wheezing and saying it's time for their meds(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:16,
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No refs, no rules.NO HOLDS BARRED.
It's going to be brilliant.
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Kroney, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25,
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i was making arrangements with the wonderful rakky last nightshe tells me the apple is ace.
i am excited.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:21,
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I keep saying to everyone.Lower your expectations. It'll be shit.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:22,
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much more importantlywhat are the seating/floor arrangements like? if i wear my slut boots, will i be in agony after a couple of hours standing in heels? and if i wear my new suede/swarovski flat boots, will they get cunted with people chucking booze on the floor???
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:23,
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I'd be more worried about Stunned's vomit if I were you.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:26,
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If I were you, I'd be more worried about the fact he has to drive you home.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:27,
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Outside, it's cobbles. Inside, it's dark and dirty.I suggest wearing wellies.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:26,
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Well, not wellies.But I wouldn't wear something you might want to wear again some day.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
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dammit JeffI wanted to see the slut boots.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:39,
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Whilst you might enjoy seeing the slut boots.You've got to balance that against the moaning and whinging you'll be forced to listen to when they start to disolve because someone has spilt a bit of Janet's Jungle Juice on them.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:41,
Reply)
Are they allowed weapons?Battered would have to have something that could hurt Gonz's guts. Maybe a ladder so he could reach them?
Gonz just gets a strobe light.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:19,
Reply)
I've never been hit by, or hit on by, an old person.Shit question, Quendtin.
My kid got a place at our second choice of primary school, and is on the waiting list for our first choice.
That's excellent news for me - and about as interesting to you as some grotty old tart's television signal, I should imagine.
As you were, internetters.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:12,
Reply)
Watch out on the news for a mysterious spate of gas-related domestic explosions in Shoreditch.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:19,
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going to Needoos?(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:40,
Reply)
Virginia School in Arnold Circus, Shoreditch.Chock full of brownies, but what can you do?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:16,
Reply)
I'm trying to get Al to have a right-on fit and you are not helping.Shush, will you?
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:20,
Reply)
Not if she likes pocket money and food, she fucking won't.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:20,
Reply)
i thought the only reason to have kidswas that they had to provide you with both of the above?
i need to have words with my dad if it's meant to be this way round.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:22,
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"grotty old tart" LOLSi have to go and explain a basic legal principle to some non-legal types shortly. i may struggle to be polite.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:20,
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One "client" of mine, as I have to call them, took 2 weeks to learn how to use a mouse. Another gets confused between her email user name, and her password. She also forgets her password on a regular basis, even though it's her name and her date of birth. I struggle to be polite sometimes.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:23, Reply)
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicetell her to hang herself with the mouse cable
like that dopey dog that hanged itself with the phone but managed to call 999 by mistake
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:24,
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i don't think he was making you a serious offer, one that is capable of acceptance and thus legally binding, quentin(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:24,
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it was good enough for me, you can shove your covenants where a man's cock has never been(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
I am going to see the Lemonheads tonightAnd Primal Scream in June.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:25, Reply)
You haven't upset me.I just find you to be a contrived, pointless waste of sperm. I'd rather go and hear Darth DJing than spend any kind of time, online or offline, with you.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:35, Reply)
You're getting confused with Jill(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:29,
Reply)
Do you think Jill Dando was called Jan Dildo at school?Dylan Douglas turns 11 this year, Do you think his J-lo style rap name would be Dyl-Do?
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Peej, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:33,
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He's the only original member left. He might as well suck it up and just admit he's gone solo.
(
Peej, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
Reply)
The Lemonheads were just him, though. Really.As well as being some kind of weird vehicle for Juliana Hatfield.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:32,
Reply)
I saw her doing a weird gig at Queen Elizabeth Hall a few years backShe was reading from her autobiography interspersed with a few songs, then played with a full band in the second half.
She was a bit crackers.
Probably still would though.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:35,
Reply)
I ran into her at Glastonbury 16 or 17 years agoShe was a little "confused". Probably could have*
*I've no actual idea if I could have, I am oblivious to such signals
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:38,
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Wasn't she abstinent at that point?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:41,
Reply)
she didn't appear to be (I can't remember if it was 95 or 96)but then she had massive depression issues all around then so fuck knows what was going on in her head, plus I'm pretty certain I was fairly stoned. Dando was playing an acoustic set, she was supposed to be guesting, he forgot to turn up. Unsurprisingly.
Note, I'm not really suggesting she'd have actually been that interested in shagging some 20 year old grunge boy. But it made a snappy closing line.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:43,
Reply)
Oh, quite possibly. (
the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:46,
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I saw them a couple of years backHe still looks better than me and I've never used heroin.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:32,
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Man, I thought Evan Dando was deadI'm a little jealous right now.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:30,
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I'm very disappointed, /OT.A question about being seduced by old people, and no-one's mentioned me?
Well, I've had a shit morning, thank you for asking. His lordship insisted on being driven to A&E at half five, and we're still in hospital now. They can't seem to fix his dicky ticker, so they're applying the stunning tactic of waiting to see if it fixes itself.
At least he's in the right place, and he's now getting his first sleep since yesterday morning. Poor love.
I tell you what, I'm fucking hanging. Do you think they'd notice if I found a bed somewhere and just dived in for a kip?
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:36,
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Shift him and kip in his bed(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:37,
Reply)
Ask them if they've got a double.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:38,
Reply)
They've got him in his own little side room, which is a bit good.There was even talk of feeding him. And a nice nurse brought him coffee and biscuits.
I'm not sure coffee is a great idea with a bad heart, but there you go.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:45,
Reply)
How long are they keeping him in for?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:45,
Reply)
They said it was just until his heart rate regulatesBut there's no sign of that happening so far, and they've pumped him every drug they've got.
Last time it just snapped back into sinus rhythm like that, but this time it's being awkward.
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b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:48,
Reply)
If he's got a side roomuntil the end, probably.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:48,
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Have you checked where he keeps his will?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:53,
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Sorry B3thB3ths aunt hit me because I wouldn't fuck her up the arse.
(
Peej, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:40,
Reply)
have they tried turning it off and turning it back on again?(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:43,
Reply)
I suggested that, but absently the defibrillator isn't a toy.(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:46,
Reply)
Try cooking some toast on it(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:51,
Reply)
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