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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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They had Woodford's bitter on down the juicer last night and my arse is going like a trumpeter in a jazz band this morning.
How's your arse?
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:46, 170 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Not bad, thanks
Had a big poo this morning and it's still got a bit of a twitch on, mind.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:48, Reply)
my arse is fine thanks.
I have chocolate berry cake in the oven. CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE. Yum yum yum!
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:48, Reply)
is 'chocolate berry cake in the oven' on the bristol stool scale?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:11, Reply)
totally is.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:32, Reply)
Had hot Nando's last night, and a curry wot I chucked a load of chilis in the night before
So pleasantly piquant. Like a trumpet players mouth after performing at the Yorkshire Show.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:48, Reply)
Not good.
To paraphrase the Shamen before they went all dancey, I'm shitting for Britain.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:49, Reply)
anyone got any salmon? No, just brown trout? right you are.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:52, Reply)
This one
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yHrsPW42-o
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:55, Reply)
I bought their first LP 'Drop' when it came out. It was quite good.
True story.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:56, Reply)
I have it somewhere on vinyl. Not listened to it in ages though.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:58, Reply)
I wonder how well it's aged.
It was around the same time as the first Spacemen 3 record which is still fucking excellent. What would that be 87? 88?
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:00, Reply)
I think if it was stored in a cool, dark and dry room, within it's sleeve then it bshould be fine

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:01, Reply)
Shamen was 87 I think and Spacemen 3 probably around the same time.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:02, Reply)
The Good Old Dayz

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:26, Reply)
See, people say the 80's were a shit time for music.
I disagree, you just had to know where to look.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:29, Reply)
Actually, no, It's Strange Days Dream that I have now I think about it.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:03, Reply)
Oh man, now I don't know if I can believe anything you tell us ever again.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:05, Reply)
My whole life has been a tissue of half truths and fabrications.
My first wife's not even dead. In fact, I was never even married to her.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:07, Reply)
What about your wife's tits?
I need reassurance on this matter.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:10, Reply)
Smashing, thanks.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:13, Reply)
Well I only have your word for that...

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:16, Reply)
It'll have to do, Rev.
It's like when Dave and Nick say "We're all in this together". You just trust them.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:17, Reply)
Well as you put it like that...

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:23, Reply)
You know it makes sense.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:25, Reply)
Not great actually, b ut I'm not sure why
I 'm hoping it's not bowel cancer

EDIT: it's also pert and sexy
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:52, Reply)
I don't see what is so sexy about bowel cancer.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
prolapse innit

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
Phwoar!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:57, Reply)
Regular as clockwork.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:52, Reply)
^ vegetarian wanker

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
He should be constipated and on the verge of an impacted colon
LIKE A REAL MAN
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:55, Reply)
Spoken like a true Republican.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:56, Reply)
USA!USA!USA!USA!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:57, Reply)
ARM THE TEACHERS!!!!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:05, Reply)
THE ONLY SOLUTION TO GUN CRIME IS MORE GUNS
GOD HATES FAGS
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
People are fucking dumb

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:22, Reply)
Fuck that, arm the kids
they are already trained from all the high end gaming that they do
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
NO HIGH END GAMING CHAT

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:08, Reply)
Just doesn't get it does he?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:26, Reply)
I've not ventured for my morning ablutions yet.
I'll be sure to keep you posted, old chap.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:53, Reply)
have a coffe and a packet of polos

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
It's under control
I've just been busy. Admittedly, "busy" partially means "laughing at pathetic idiots on QFTW" but ... it's important work.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:55, Reply)
Anyone in particular?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:08, Reply)
This is just a good one for dragging out the people who seem to have no idea how an adult relationship functions.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:09, Reply)
It's very simple, really.
The woman makes the dinner whilst the man goes to the pub, gets pissed and then makes her knickers fizz when he gets home by uttering the immortal words "Get up them stairs".
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:14, Reply)
put your knickers on love and make us a cup of tea?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:17, Reply)
Yes, but wait a couple of minutes before saying it.
Don't want to appear insensitive.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:19, Reply)
One of the great advantages of this modern age, in which we live
is that you can now post on the internet while you are shitting.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:55, Reply)
I feel that my colleagues would look at me strangely
if I wandered into the shitter with a laptop. And I don't "do" b3ta on my phone.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:56, Reply)
'Going like a rabbit's nose'

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
Oh Badger, I like Mongy, we're alright, but his sycophants do my tits in.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:54, Reply)
Oh but Gonz, racism is FUNNY!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:02, Reply)
It can be funny, but those schtictless wonders are just throwing up random words.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:16, Reply)
Not too bad, thanks for asking.
But as I'm playing footie at lunchtime I anticipate a massive power dump beforehand. That usually sorts out the men from the boys.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:56, Reply)
i was at the dogs once and decided it that if a dog had a shit just before the race it would run more quickly
it wasn't
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:57, Reply)
Power to weight ratio, innit.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:58, Reply)
how do we know they aren't more powerful with the shit in them?
dog eggs could be the source of all power.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:59, Reply)
Some of those words make sense.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:59, Reply)
i made a half arsed edit, just for you

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:00, Reply)
I love you, man.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:01, Reply)
I'm glad I missed the first draft
I can barely understand the revision.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:07, Reply)
He's like the Eric Morecombe of b3ta.
"I'm using all the right letters, just not necessarily in the right order".
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:01, Reply)
I drive by his statue on the way into work
True story folks
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:03, Reply)
do you give me a little polish as you pass?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
Hell yeah

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
They've put up a statue of Davvo?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
They respect the geordie in these here necks of the woods

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:07, Reply)
As well they should.
For instance, if it wasn't for Geordies there'd be no trains, and then what would people in the south have to complain about, eh? EH?
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:16, Reply)
Northeners

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:17, Reply)
And WHAT A STORY it is.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
I have a serialization due in the Daily Mail soon
"sights what I have seen while driving into work in my smug mobile"
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:08, Reply)
"This morning, as my classic BMW purred into third on the well-maintained automatic gearbox,
"I drove past some binmen throwing bags into the back of the lorry. I thought to myself 'how far does one have to fall in order to consider such a career?'. I am still mildly baffled"
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:10, Reply)
Damn these leaks
It wasnt meant to be out until Feb
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:11, Reply)
I used to intentionally not go for a wee before playing a gig.
I feel it helped to add a certain tension to my playing.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:01, Reply)
Back in the day people used to spend - quite literally - thousands of pounds lightening their bikes
titanium bolts, fewer spokes, kevlar beaded tyres, cut down saddles. Maybe saving a pound or two of weight.

It was pointed out the a really good shit just before a race would you a couple of pounds for nowt.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:03, Reply)
I'm a firm believer in a big turd before sport.
Gets a man down to his fighting weight, if you catch my drift.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
Morning 'David Cameron'

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
He stole that idea from me!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:07, Reply)
Btw, call me 'Dave'

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:26, Reply)
NO BITTER CHAT

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:59, Reply)
I'M NOT BITTER.
GOD!!!
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:59, Reply)
OH RIGHT BACKPEDAL AWAY

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:00, Reply)
Smooth like baby's. Thanks for asking.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:01, Reply)
I reckon you need to put up a poll asking what breed of dog the mods prefer to finger.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:02, Reply)
They'd definitely see the funny side of that.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:02, Reply)
They'd probably make him Top Mod immediately

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
huskys I reckon, their tails are already up and out of the way, allegedly

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:03, Reply)
you've thought this through too much.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
or anything docked

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:08, Reply)
Beagles
it has to be Beagles
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:03, Reply)
Nah, scouse sixties pop is hideously over-rated.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
Beagles are crazy
They'd never stand still long enough.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:09, Reply)
They like the challenge

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:11, Reply)
I'm going to keep away from polls for a while.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
you'll struggle with that, what with your work trips.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:05, Reply)
Good point.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
oh HO!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:06, Reply)
In the words of the great Basil
Boom and indeed Boom
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:12, Reply)
Difficult seeing as you're going to their land shortly?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:08, Reply)
See above.
You really are a cretin.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:09, Reply)
It must be hard to type fast with those ENORMO-HANDS
but FFS Lokesy.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:09, Reply)
he has a bread for brains, what do you expect?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:13, Reply)
3 minutes, lokers.
3 minutes

*shakes head sadly*
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:10, Reply)
Stop trying to butter me up

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:17, Reply)
LOL

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:30, Reply)
You know what would be really funny?
If someone could make a ham-fisted play on words around the word 'poll' and the fact that you're travelling for work soon.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:20, Reply)
I'm struggling with this one.
I've got as far as something about 'poll' land, but I can't quite figure the rest out.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:23, Reply)
I think AB should provide a link to something someone wrote on the internet and pull them up on it
just to divert attention away from this.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:27, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/post385927
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:33, Reply)
Thanks, sport.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:35, Reply)
I'm not sure you want to be "pulling him up" on that
IYKWIM, AITYD.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:37, Reply)
I'd leave it if I were you
Someone might already have posted it and you'll look a bit silly.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:27, Reply)
It's pure jealousy. They all want to be in Poland when it's -15c.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:25, Reply)
'Ham-fisted'?
This is about Lokesy isn't it?
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:30, Reply)
If it was about Lokesey it would have to be 'beef fisted' at the very least, surely?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:33, Reply)
I'm gonna say he's 'yak-handed' and be done with it.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:37, Reply)
Oh come on.
It would have been fine if they'd left it at just mine. At least I had the decency to be quick about it.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:40, Reply)
Stuffed liked a Christmas turkey

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:04, Reply)
lazy nazis didn't have the conviction of their Japanese couunterparts
www.telegraph.co.uk/history/world-war-two/9792442/Hitlers-kamikaze-doodlebug-set-to-go-on-display-in-Britain.html
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:07, Reply)
Parachute into a 550mph airstream?
Good luck with that in 1945 and no ejector seat.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:10, Reply)
While I'm with you on the sentiment
I'm pretty sure the date's irrelevant, unless gravity, air resistance and the coefficient of restitution of the "the ground" has changed since 1945?
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:12, Reply)
global warming innit

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:13, Reply)
you sir
Are forgetting the great Big G variable of October 1944... Caused by Biggles time travelling
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:14, Reply)
you could use your hands to slow you down and glide back down to earth
like a giant bready space shuttle
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:13, Reply)
Wouldn't the bread toast by air friction at that speed?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:16, Reply)
it's not actually the friction that causes the build up of heat on a shuttle re-entering the atmosphere but the pressure build up

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:18, Reply)
As Pressure is proportional to Temperature
physics innit.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:21, Reply)
Either way it's still toasty

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:25, Reply)
I hope the pilot turns the engine off before he bails out. The cockpit is about 2 inches in front of the intake.
At least he wouldn't need to worry about a parachute landing in Central London and the ensuing lynching.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:20, Reply)
An ejector seat isn't going to stop you having your head ripped off
by the 550 mph airstream.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:38, Reply)
True
but it might save your lower extremities from being left behind in the cockpit...
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:40, Reply)
Seems it is possible...but you have to be lucky
SFW, despite the title.

www.ejectionsite.com/ejectfaq.htm
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:44, Reply)
pink and scrubbed
nothing like a temperamental old boiler to make you properly appreciate a hot shower.

I was going to have organic porridge with maple honey from the staff canteen this morning but they said it would be a couple of minutes for the next batch so I had a sausage sandwich instead. I'm a busy man, I can't hang around the canteen all day.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:20, Reply)
With tales like this you should have your own column in GQ magazine.
'some men fear him, others want to be him. Read his amazing true life stories exclusively in GQ magazine'.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:24, Reply)
I'd struggle to pick and choose between my exciting adventures
I went to Himjim's secret burger place Tuesday night and had the chilli dog. Excellent.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:28, Reply)
I've been back twice since then and each time I've regretted not having a hotdog.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:29, Reply)
That place is excellent. The diablo burger is superb.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:29, Reply)
Hahaha
Welcome back, chirpmeister.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:29, Reply)
temperamental old boiler?
Enough about swipe already.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:32, Reply)
I phrased it that way specially

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:34, Reply)
Fine this morning, thanks
Not had any bitter in a couple of weeks, I wonder if that might be a contributing factor.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:21, Reply)
Large, pasty-white, and wobbly. Thanks for asking.
Are we all well and happy today? It's cold as a witch's tit here, and the sky looks ominously snow-like.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:22, Reply)
i changed my sig for you

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:24, Reply)
I'm touched.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:27, Reply)
+ by strangers on the bus

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:54, Reply)
You forgot prolapsed.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:24, Reply)
Oh, how I've missed you.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:25, Reply)
That's understandable.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:26, Reply)
Monty's ex didn't miss him.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:27, Reply)
POW, right in the kisser

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:29, Reply)
I thought it was round the throat?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:30, Reply)
She punched him as well.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:30, Reply)
Well, you can hardly blame her.
He does have one of those faces...
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:32, Reply)
Being beaten up by a girl is one of those things
that a chap just doesn't live down.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:36, Reply)
Oh MAN

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:36, Reply)
Don't cry about it, Susan

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:40, Reply)
I didn't have a shower today because my bath is full of bottles and bleach.
Homebrew is a lifestyle choice.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:32, Reply)
Slowly the transition to "tramp" begins

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:34, Reply)
I give it six months until he's constantly soiling himself underneath a concrete cow.

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:36, Reply)
It's ok, I had a bath about 9 last night, I smell lovely

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:36, Reply)
+ in homebrew

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:38, Reply)
Nah that's in the fermenter SILLY x

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:39, Reply)
Silly Chompy
You're not supposed to add yourself as an ingredient
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:41, Reply)
This has just reminded me
that my bath is full of laundry. I'd better get started on that.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:44, Reply)
CALL BATTERED!

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:45, Reply)
Would he fit?

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:47, Reply)
In the sink

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:48, Reply)
I get this

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:48, Reply)
I do not.

EDIT: now I do.
(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 10:49, Reply)
Morning B3thy

(, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 11:00, Reply)

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