I don't know if there's any point in a morning thread anymore.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 7:52, 172 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

You are needy, a fucking prick and an attention seeker, starved of human contact.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 7:55, Reply)

At least I haven't spent time online last night boasting & stating 'lol' about someones endowment policy. Rules are rules, particularly on financial matters, but taking pleasure from that?
That definitely makes you a wanker.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 7:57, Reply)

thinking that your very high income makes you better than other people definitely, definitely makes you an unpleasant wanker

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:03, Reply)

Yes dear.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:07, Reply)

a fitting riposte

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:10, Reply)

hey I was being facetious

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:13, Reply)

yes dear

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:41, Reply)

^ bitter ^

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:17, Reply)

Bit early but go on
Pint of old scrotums bollock enhancer please
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:21, Reply)

I've got to say, Rory's online impressions are sometimes not very accurate..
...but his current one parodying Dozer as a lonely bitter old saddo who's less popular than Emvee is bang on.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:28, Reply)

They were sayin' that they're gonna do those prenump things in the UK soon on the news, like, proper legally binding ones.
I bet there are a few people on here who are kicking themselves that this didn't happen 10 years ago.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:45, Reply)

name and shame pleaze

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:45, Reply)

Good. I wouldn't want bitches getting their hands on my fortune.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:46, Reply)

Assuming that both people in the relationship would want to sign one.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:47, Reply)

Of course Iove you dear, of course we'll be together forever, but can you sign this just in case?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:57, Reply)

^ this ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:58, Reply)

to be fair
if I were marrying someone much wealthier than me, or marrying someone less wealthy than me, and the pre-nup was fair, i'd sign it. greggs hat had a beautician (don't ask, I wish I hadn't) who was apparently very hot, and some dumbass rich banker had married her for it. they were married for 6 months, no kids, split up, and she promptly went for his house and half his cash. if they'd been married 16 years and he'd cheated, maybe, but why does she think she's entitled to all that? grrrr.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:06, Reply)

I doubt she got much after a six month marriage.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:08, Reply)

Because she's entitled to all of that since he signed a legally binding contract with her sharing their possessions.

( Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:09, Reply)

i didn't read the paperwork, obviously
but there must be massive grounds for argument over the terms of the sharing. hence his lawyers fighting hers.

but morally, she's got a lot of questions to answer, if she thinks that living with someone for 6 months entitles her to a free house.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:12, Reply)

people are greedy cunts innit.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:13, Reply)

he was also a twat for marrying someone just because she was hot
so I don't have any sympathy for him either. but greggs hat would come back from appointments and tell me the latest in their court battle, and it made me want to punch her stupid face.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:15, Reply)

My ex has been trying to claim I should pay for things for her that I don't have myself; such as private dental insurance.
Ridiculous. The court won't go for that.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:18, Reply)

classic strategy of don't ask, don't get, i guess
throw in a few things it's easy to concede so that you look reasonable for the bigger things.

she's another one. ask for dental insurance for micro, and pay for your own dental insurance, you over-entitled cow.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:19, Reply)

Quite.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:21, Reply)

That's not how the courts interpret it now.
They consider all sorts of things; what assets each had prior to the marriage, joint assets acquired during the marriage, the length of the marriage (and the length of time spent cohabiting before the marriage), earning capability of each person, what the lower earning partner needs to live on etc.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Mr Kettle? Your 8:30 with Mr Pot in order to racially abuse him starts in five minutes.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:26, Reply)

THIS IS A BETRAYAL OF ISLAM AND THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:22, Reply)

Morning you sexy amphibious bastard
A guy on the train has a tattoo of his son's name on his arm; question is, did he have a shit tattooist or is his son really called Tobbie?

In fact the script style writing makes it look like "Jobbie" scotchlols
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:32, Reply)

Oh good, you're back x
I would imagine the answer is 'yes' to both. I saw a tattoo the other day, belonging to a chap I know, which I thought said 'PIMP'. I asked him about it and he said that was what everyone thought, but on closer inspection it says 'PIMM', either a shortened version of his surname or his favourite drink. Either way, it was distinctly shitter than 'angry sun'.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:36, Reply)

I've been a bit ill so been working from home, still snotty and deaf; woe is me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:41, Reply)

and still a gayer with severe physical disabilities

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:42, Reply)

I have also been suffering, I am ill every other fucking week at the moment. I really don't like it much.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:43, Reply)

it's Aids.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:44, Reply)

Sadly it is a possibility. a couple of nurofen should see me through it.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:45, Reply)

tattoos are ghastly
Except the Edinburgh one, it's pretty impressive.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:40, Reply)

Admittedly, some (including mine) are quite awful, however I personally find facial piercings to be a metallic indication of a cunt.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:42, Reply)

I find that people who make sweeping statements are prize pricks

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:42, Reply)

I find people who 'find people' to be insufferable oafs.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:44, Reply)

yer, you're an ignominious buffoon.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:44, Reply)

You're an infantile baboon

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:50, Reply)

Pierced-face attention seeking wanker^^^

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:55, Reply)

Has everyone been bored away by Rory's bad impressions and dozer's finance chat?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:53, Reply)

Dozer has ruined the evening threads. I hate him. I hope his head catches fire.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:54, Reply)

ead amster
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:55, Reply)

NO WAI GRACE FTW

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:55, Reply)

Maybe his face "dermals" will attract a bolt of lightening

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:55, Reply)

We can only hope for some sort of freak accident resulting in horrific facial injuries.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:56, Reply)

Maybe they'll get snagged on some heavy machinery and he'll be dragged face first into the threshing mechanism.

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:58, Reply)

oh lol

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:59, Reply)

nah
they'd need to be real metal for that. his are probably those fake magnet ones that teenage girls buy in claire's accessories.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:59, Reply)

I heard that's why he keeps them
So he can nonce up teenage girls
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:00, Reply)

I think he's more into boys...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:01, Reply)

i've got an horrific day today, back to back meetings, huge piece of drafting to do, and a seminar to give to 200 people
I don't know when i'm going to find time to have my hair and nails done, but it is essential when standing up in front of 200 people :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:55, Reply)

I need a haircut and all
My last one has grown out really badly, stoopid parochial hairdresser
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:56, Reply)

I am having a haircut on Saturday. It's £9 but I give them a tenner cos that's the sort of mad cash I throw about.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:57, Reply)

Mine cost £28 :(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 8:58, Reply)

Yeah, but I live in a shithole. Also, it takes about 15 minutes to clipper back and sides and a cursory wave of scissors on top.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:02, Reply)

I give myself a binary haircut for free

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:03, Reply)

let's not even tug on this thread

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:04, Reply)

Without it you wouldn't know that my earworm today is 'I Need A Lover' by Ken Doh
And then where would you be, eh?

I think if you work in an open plan office it should be protocol to wait until everyone is present before telling a story about how you bought some gay trainers last night. I don't need to hear that story five times. I didn't need to hear it once you prick. Fucken people.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:00, Reply)

i hated being open plan
mostly because my boss insisted on using speech magic rather than LEARNING TO TYPE and all day all I could hear was, "mr d'agostini. scratch that. d'agostini. scratch that. d'-ag-os-teen-ee. scratch that." ugh.

although it all paid off when he sent a highly aggressive letter before action that turned out to set out stern details of our client's LEAKY SHOES instead of LEGAL ISSUES...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:03, Reply)

hahaha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:12, Reply)

hahahahaha!!
Excellent
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:57, Reply)

I think people should give you a kind of headline to their story, then you can decide if you want to hear it or not.
A bit like QOTW when I read the last line first to see if it's a shit pun, or if it's posted by Amorous Badger in which case I ignore it altogether.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:04, Reply)

Alright Rick Fathelme.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:06, Reply)

Your mum is open plan

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:05, Reply)

Open plan offices are terrible. Thankfully I haven't had to work in one for years.
Own office: fart when you want, have music on without having to wear headphones, close the door when you want peace & quiet, avoid people eating stinky food at their desk, avoid banal conversations about last night's soap operas etc.

Much better.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:06, Reply)

I think I'd get lonely I an office by myself

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:09, Reply)

I like it. I have mostly worked on my own for years now, other people can fuck off.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:10, Reply)

It's not like you'd spend all day, every day in it - what with meetings etc.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

What's the betting that Dozer is basically his office's Colin Hunt?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:20, Reply)

^hated by the rest of the office

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

YES.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

who wants to fart at work?
gross
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Not when you do it so triumphantly in your sleep.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:14, Reply)

I heard last time she stayed at yours the coast guard scrambled because they thought they heard a ship blowing its horn in dostress

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:16, Reply)

Yos, ot's very dostressing for all onvolved

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:18, Reply)

Poss off dock hod

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:22, Reply)

gay prock

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:22, Reply)

That was mine yesterday!
... and now again today.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:55, Reply)

I don't know if there's any point in Battered any more.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:04, Reply)

Has he hurt you again? You can tell me, this is your safe place

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:05, Reply)

'Show me on this doll where he touched you'.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:08, Reply)

Here, below my knee
And again here, on the ankle.
And all over my feet :(
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

Dozer been dressing up as Battered again?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

i used to have a book as a child
about a rare zoo beast that escaped. it could change shape into whatever it wanted, but it always got caught, because the one thing it could never ever disguise was its enormous flat feet.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:14, Reply)

hahaha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:16, Reply)

i'd love to find it
I think the nieces would love it. but google is not helpful!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:22, Reply)

Haha
Yeah, cos northern children can read
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:17, Reply)

feck orf
I had a reading age of 12 when I was 5, or at least I was on the level for 12 year olds when they tested me, whatever that meant. the school didn't know what to do with me. and reading books for 12 year olds are fucking dull when you're 5.

to balance it out, I still can't count and I was shit on sports day.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:21, Reply)

+ fat and ginger

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:28, Reply)

sports day.

by the history teacher every Tuesday.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:30, Reply)

god i wish
well not at 5. but at 15 I'd have crawled across broken glass just to lick the arse of the last girl he snogged.

which would have been fine, as he turned out to be a raging bender, so there would have been no such arse.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:43, Reply)

Is this how you ended up meeting greggshat?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:43, Reply)

no
that was a whole other story
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:45, Reply)

Summed up in one word: GRINDR

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:46, Reply)

Or stottie

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:58, Reply)

Morning Frog
I'm currently having to deal with major, major football lolz.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:10, Reply)

Alright AA
Is that the same as soccer?
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:11, Reply)

It's when you get a perfect 10 by slam dunking a puck into the pocket

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:15, Reply)

That's darts, you bent spaz

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:15, Reply)

Don't I feel the fool?!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:17, Reply)

That's no way to talk about your wife.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:18, Reply)

we were left hanging there a bit.
Or was that the anecdote?

7/10 would read again
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:57, Reply)

I believe that there still is, yes
Good morning all

I have been beset by roadworks today and a phone that won't turn its screen off so is running out of battery
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:45, Reply)

take the battery out??

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:46, Reply)

Most phones now have an integrated battery that you can't remove.
You fucking idiot.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:47, Reply)

SEE BELOW
YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

HA. HA. HA.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:52, Reply)

I needed it to park when I got to work
Battery is out and contacts checked and cleaned. Back on charge now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Your phone parks your car?
or one of those car park pay app things
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:00, Reply)

Both

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:02, Reply)

Didn't know you had a 7 series BMW and a Nokia Communicator

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:03, Reply)

I want an 8 series with one of those cool old car phones.

( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:05, Reply)

The MD has an 8 series from 1996
It is still fucking cool
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:05, Reply)

NO CAR CHAT

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:07, Reply)

NO BAN HAMMERS

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:07, Reply)

They are surprisingly cheap used
I'd love a shark nose M635i, my mate has one and it's a cracking car, fast and lairy when you want plus comfy when you're cruising.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:08, Reply)

The only thing that puts me off those big old beemers is the shocking fuel consumption.
It's not really a worry, as such, but I'd feel guilty.
( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:10, Reply)

Carbon offsetting
Charities like woodland trust allow you to pay for trees to be planted and then you can drive around in a massive car and get a self satisfied smug save the planet feel
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:18, Reply)

The names Bond, James Bond

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:06, Reply)

Round here is all roadworks at the moment.
Makes getting to the office well lol. On the upside, you can get out of your car in the traffic jam, go do your day's work and the traffic won't have moved.
( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Unless you are an F1 driver

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:49, Reply)

Alas, I am not.

( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:50, Reply)

You look different today, mate
Have you had a haircut or summat?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:51, Reply)

I decided I fancied a change and that I liked the neo-brutalistic cut of 84237's jib.

( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:54, Reply)

Its the councils using up the budget for the road repairs before april
they always wait till now so that they can make sure the budget lasts throughout the year for emergencies then they realise that they have fucking loads of cash left so dig up every fucking road they can find to make sure they get at least the same budget again next year
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:59, Reply)

They dug up the exact same stretch of road last year, so I can believe this.

( Kroney, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:03, Reply)

MOANING thread, AMIRITE?
One thing though, if dozer is MongTiger, wasn't he just chatting to himself last night, or it's probably not him, oh and he has 2 baby goatse
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:50, Reply)

What are you blithering on about now?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:52, Reply)

The last thread.
I dunno. It's early and Ive not had coffee.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 9:57, Reply)

its not fucking early you bellend
its nearly 10 most of us have been pretending to work for at least 2 hours now
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:00, Reply)

2.1/2 myself, although I find Jase difficult to understand throughout the day. It's the accent.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:01, Reply)

Can someone start a new thread please, there's a dear?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:10, Reply)

PLEASE NOT JASON PLEASE NOT JASON PLEASE NOT JASON

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:11, Reply)

^ This ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Feb 2014, 10:14, Reply)