I have perfected the art of parsnip cooking
Maple syrup and english mustard, quartered and roasted at 220 for an hour and a half. Leaves the thin ends crispy and the fat ends chewy and caramelised.

What have you perfected? What do you want to perfect?


Alt:
Best meal/Worst meal you've been given, not made yourself
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:24, 135 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

The art of masturbation

( Peej, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:26, Reply)

I find that extensive practice is required

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:31, Reply)

*nods*
*heads to the toilet*
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:32, Reply)

I aced beef wellington on the first try.
I've now retired champion beef wellingtoner, never to be drawn out of retirement for one last, Rocky-style beef wellington-off.

You can't improve on perfection, so there's no point trying.
( Kroney, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:26, Reply)

I love beef wellington but I've never cooked it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:30, Reply)

did you make your own duxelles or just smear it with pate?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:32, Reply)

I think I'd have to make it all (apart from the pastry)

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

Pastry is one of the easiest things to make.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:47, Reply)

I've never made puff pastry

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:48, Reply)

Not difficult. It's all about how you apply the butter.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:51, Reply)

Just like an evening with YM

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:55, Reply)

Except nobody in their right mind makes their own puff pastry because it takes hours

(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Jus-Rol FTW

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

What about pastry chefs?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

They use pre-made.
They aren't stupid, they don't want to waste their time on boring shit when they could be playing with icing and fruit and stuff.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:01, Reply)

But who makes the pre-made?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

Skull Cracker

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

Mrs dunt like mushrooms, so I used proscutto instead. It were good.
Given the option I'd have made it myself.
( Kroney, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:39, Reply)

Restaurant chili on Friday was grim. Greasy, no bite and with cabbage in it Csbbage ffs.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:27, Reply)

Sounds lovely

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:30, Reply)

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT???????????
Cabbage? In chilli? *twitches* This is surely some portent *fears*
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:31, Reply)

Witchcraft mate. Daughter's cheeseburger. wife's steak And bitchtit'ssalad were fine.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:35, Reply)

I have perfected doing nothing at work today due to no web no fucking working software and no heating
'Happy :)'
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:31, Reply)

\o/

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:48, Reply)

Did my venison casserole at the weekend
which I think I got some tips on from McBeef. I'm not sure it's "perfect" but pretty damn near.

Worst served: I got given "fish pie" at my Uncle's one time - cod and mashed potato as I recall. I didn't like fish as a youth, but I smiled bravely and gagged it down because I was well brought up.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:32, Reply)

Worst: dreadfully dry cous cous containing large pieces of raw shallot.
Best: possibly the razor clams I had at Quo Vardis a couple of years ago.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:32, Reply)

Steak, really crusty on the outside, mediumly rare on the inside.
Depends on cut and thickness, but I use the smallest pan on the highest hob on the highest setting and leave it for 5 min before applying streak
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:36, Reply)

Get a proper cast iron griddle.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:37, Reply)

I'd like one of those. What do you think of ActiFry type systems?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:39, Reply)

I think they are OK for chips/potato but never for meat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I hardly eat fried food (apart from a cooked breakfast at a cafe) so I don't really have an opinion.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:42, Reply)

this^
The thicker the pan, the hotter it'll get, it seems

I leave mine on for about 10 mins full belt, oil and season the steak then in for as little time as possible. Watch the colour change up the side, flip it, then a knob of butter in for the last 30 seconds. Out onto a hot plate to rest, sort accompaniments out, then steak + juices onto plate
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:40, Reply)

I've spent 3 years blackening mine, gets better every time I use it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:43, Reply)

this^
Quick wipe over after use

I had asparagus in it on Saturday with poached eggs and home made bread. How middle class?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:44, Reply)

Turkish rice and donburi too

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:38, Reply)

Chilli, the 3-2-1 hand gesture and drunkeness
My Sid James laugh still needs work but it's well cultivated.

Alt: Best is probably my Mums Tuna and Sweetcorn bake or the veal I had in an Italian restaurant in Rothwell one time. Worst would be anything with brussels sprouts. As a side note I now also know that it's 'brussels sprout' not 'brussel sprout'. Evil little cunts however you spell it.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:45, Reply)

Mrs Cow's family are from Rothwell

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:47, Reply)

It's better than being from Kettering

( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:54, Reply)

Lime & honey chilli chicken.
To each question.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:48, Reply)

tggi

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

Not as surprisingly easy to make as spinach & ricotta cannelloni though.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

15 all

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:49, Reply)

they are the same person

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:53, Reply)

I hardly eat Lime & honey chilli chicken (apart from metaphorically on /ot) so I don't really have an opinion.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:53, Reply)

who would? lime is tangy and honey is sweet and chilli is spicy and chicken is dead bird

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:56, Reply)

Somalians.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

So, a good balance of flavours then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:05, Reply)

NO, THEY ALL CONTRADICT EACH OTHER!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:09, Reply)

exactly...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

I'm not sure what she's not getting here

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

If only someone had thought of sweet and sour

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

they have
it's inedible. savoury food is not meant to be sweet!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:15, Reply)

Apart from pineapple on pizza

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:20, Reply)

fuck off with your pineapple on pizza
and take your fucking sweetcorn with you
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:30, Reply)

sweetcorn is fine, esp baby corn
but pineapple can fuck right off and get made into juice and served with vodka, where it belongs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:31, Reply)

Would sweetcorn not count as a savoury food that is sweet?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:01, Reply)

parsnips: perpetual disappointer of children who think they've finally been allowed chips... only to find they're fucking parsnip chips
bastard parsnips. your recipe could be improved by tipping them into the bin at the end. see also plantain. vile.

i am perfect. i'm working on frog.

best: i wouldn't choose it now, but at the time it was the most exciting meal EVER. my absolute favourite things as a child were cheese and onion pie and lemon meringue pie. my mum would make both for my birthday, or sometimes lemon torte (basically home made lemon ice cream on a cheesecake base).

worst: the french exchange trip that finally sent me vegetarian. fucking french and their raw meat. i'd be trying to enjoy bread or soup, whilst all the time cowering in my chair, listening to the all-too brief hiss of the frying pan, before i was served a charred icy blue rectangle of what was probably once a piece of dog. vile.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:52, Reply)

do you like any foods?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:56, Reply)

cheese and onion pie and lemon puddingy stuff
clearly.

but it's not that i don't like parsnips, it's just that i've never forgiven them for being so disappointing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

Try my recipe

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

you only like beige foods it seems

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

i like blue cheese

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

I like Somalians

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:00, Reply)

they have weird shaped heads

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:02, Reply)

I like their big foreheads and normal noses

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

The calves both love parsnips, oddly
I had plantains in Mexico. They are excellent
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:57, Reply)

oh god no
fuck off, giant savoury banana. nobody wants you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Plantain is fucking lovely.
You are the shittest vegetarian in the world
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:00, Reply)

yeah well, you're the shittest human in the world
so THERE
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:08, Reply)

*votes Al*

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:09, Reply)

Plantains are unpleasant.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

I ate them for breakfast

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

I had a very nice south Indian plantain and coconut dish the other week, ergo you're probably wrong here

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:58, Reply)

fucking hell
coconut is rank. that's like having a piss soup with lumps of shit in it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:59, Reply)

How do you not starve to death?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:00, Reply)

She lives on cheese and onion pies
it's why her breath smells like a french fart
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:02, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:04, Reply)

i like lots of things
i eat normal vegetables, which have not been polluted with shit like coconut, and i eat fish, and i eat nice things like rice and nuts. see tomorrow's menu:

omelette with onions and mushrooms
7 veg salad with avocado and oatcakes
sesame and chilli salmon fillet with green veg and brown rice
afternoon snack: green apple and raw nuts

see!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:07, Reply)

You eat fish?
I was correct, you are the shittest vegetarian in the world.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:09, Reply)

they say pescatarians
i say hypocrites
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

I would have gotten away with it if it wasnt for them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:29, Reply)

yep
i've never said i'm vegetarian like dozer is vegetarian. i'm just fussy. if i cook meat for other people, i always try my best to get organic and ethically farmed etc. but i just don't like meat. if i liked it, i'd eat it.

next!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:14, Reply)

So you're hated by both camps

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:15, Reply)

jason and Darth?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:39, Reply)

Is this some kind of "trainer" menu?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

I'd rather eat a Reebok trainer

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:12, Reply)

no, it's my menu!
and frog is eating the dinner part, whether he likes it or not (he will. sesame marinaded salmon is lush).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:14, Reply)

I'd cook the salmon with chilli and coconut milk

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:25, Reply)

I'd grab a kebab on the way over then just move stuff around the plate

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:31, Reply)

Tomorrow's menu:
burger king
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

That sounds rather pleasant

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:00, Reply)

It really was

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

Alt: As a vegetarian, every meal is the worst meal

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 10:52, Reply)

Going vegan is 75% of the way to suicide

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:58, Reply)

I beat Kim Jong iL at golf.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:03, Reply)

Ho Lin Wan?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:04, Reply)

18 of them.
It was the only way to beat him. His golfing prowess was the stuff of legend.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:09, Reply)

egend ies
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:10, Reply)

I've hammered on about the best meal I ever had loads of times. 10 course meal in Japan.
I'd show you but all the pics were on b3tards and I can't get it to load
( Peej, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:05, Reply)

I've perfected cooked breakfasts, making sure everything is done at the same time.
Even manage to get fresh toast out at the same time as everything else.

Alt: I was given liver when I was younger, that was fucking awful.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:14, Reply)

oh fuck yeah
liver and kidneys and bacon: worst dinner EVER.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:15, Reply)

I ate heart in France once
That was a bit grim
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:17, Reply)

I only steal hearts

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:21, Reply)

I only steal away

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:24, Reply)

I only steely dan.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:26, Reply)

I steal magnolias

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:28, Reply)

step aside Ramsey! AA's coming to get you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:15, Reply)

It's easy to get revenge on liver though

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:17, Reply)

Something about standing on it?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:17, Reply)

Liver is ecxellent, tripe too.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:18, Reply)

Good breakfasts are the best, in the States I had the ex large, fried, scrambled and poached eggs,bacon, sos, waffles and tomatoes, The bacon was the massive steaks. Good stuff.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:21, Reply)

Liver and onions is amazing if cooked properly

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:25, Reply)

^^this^^

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:34, Reply)

I do a great dahl.
Which being a heathen I like to eat with French bread.
I have also perfected glazing all YMs
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:18, Reply)

I'd do Sophie Dahl

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:20, Reply)

What even after Cullum

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:33, Reply)

Parsnips are vile, I wouldn't even use one as a marital aid.
I do a good madras from scratch. My pie game is pretty big as well.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:44, Reply)

I make a rather good pie

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:49, Reply)

Dermatitis curry

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:59, Reply)

I'm itching to try it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:01, Reply)

Bloody hell
A half hour phone conversation and a remote session because some cunt clicked 'freeze panes' in excel. "My screen's gone all funny" was the best description of the problem they could come up with.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 12 May 2014, 11:54, Reply)

WATCH ME WORK IT
I'M PERFECT
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:00, Reply)

alright Missy Elliott

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:04, Reply)

alright Miss Dynamite E E

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:05, Reply)

that's princess superstar
not missy elliott
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:19, Reply)

New thread.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:03, Reply)

new shit
( Peej, Mon 12 May 2014, 12:04, Reply)