Nearly half way to Friday!

( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 7:44, 398 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wish me luck!
I'm just off to my first day at my new job, fingers crossed I'm not fired before lunchtime!
(bill, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 7:46, Reply)

Good luck!
*massive hugs*
Hope it goes ok :D
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 7:52, Reply)

Ooooh,
good luck!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:07, Reply)

Thanks
Thank you both.

I'd forgotten how awful rush hour traffic was! [bus blog]
(bill, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:12, Reply)

Morning all
Good luck, Bill. Working's not much fun, but the money's handy!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:13, Reply)

Morning K2k6
You ok today?
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:16, Reply)

Morning Lust
Yup, doing fine thanks. I have some crap jokes in reserve which I will leak out during the course of the day!

Edit - How rude. How are you?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:19, Reply)

*excites*
Can I have one now please?
Also, I'm fine. I didn't feel like someone had sliced open my head and tried to fuck my brain this morning which is nice. I seem to really suffer with hangovers these days.
*is old*
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:22, Reply)

Terrible jokes? I've have plenty!
A cowboy walked into German car dealership and said "Howdy!". The sales person turned to him and said "Sorry, Sir. This is actually a Mercedes-Benz dealership.....!"

Boom boom!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:26, Reply)

OK, seeing as you asked nicely
and you don't have a fucked brain!

There was this young priest who flew into the Australian outback, to take over from the old Irish priest who'd been there for 50 years. Stepping off the little plane in the bush, he said to the first bloke he met, "Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the church?".

"Sure, mate. Go up that path, past the trees on the right, turn left, past another clump of bushes, then it's another couple of hundred yards. Can't miss it".

The priest thanked the man and went on his way. Passing the first clump of trees, he heard a bit of a commotion. Upon pulling back the branches he discovered a man shagging a kangaroo. Shocked, the priest made a hasty departure, saying a few Hail Marys on the way, and telling himself that there was a lot of work to be done in the parish.

Further on, he heard moaning and rustling from the second clump of bushes. He looked in and saw a one-legged man having a wank. Deciding to leave the man to it, but again making a mental note to improve moral standards, he proceeded to the church, whereupon the old priest came out to meet him.

"Oh, Father", said the young priest, "what a corrupted community you have here. It appears I have arrived just in time."

"What do you mean?", said the old priest. "There's nothing corrupt around here."

"Well, on my way from the plane, I have already seen a man having his way with a kangaroo, and further on I discovered a one-legged man masturbating in the bushes", he said.

"Why, my son, have you no compassion?"

"What do you mean, Father?" said the younger man.

"Well", said the old priest, "How do you expect a one-legged man to catch a kangaroo?"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:28, Reply)

@K2k6
You are my hero.

@the stig. I like how even your jokes are about cars!
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:32, Reply)

Morning all :)
Best of luck with the new job Bill!

I am so very very tired, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:34, Reply)

@wanderlust
To be honest, I didn't even notice that! It's just one of my favourite jokes!

This could go a long way to explain why I'm still single! :OS
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:36, Reply)

*enjoys hero status*
I have one about a tiger, but I'll leave that until later.

Got to keep you wanting more, Lusty!

Morning LabMaj, Stig
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:37, Reply)

@labia
You'll be fine.
You have b3ta to ummm keep you stimulated.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:37, Reply)

Good morning, K26k
In fact, good morning to everyone. I'm going to time us, to see how long it take for this conversation to degnerate into utter twaddle!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:40, Reply)

@the stig.
I give it a few seconds...

*jiggles*
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:42, Reply)

What do you mean Stig?
It started as twaddle! It doesn't have to degenerate.

Edit: *enjoys jiggle*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:42, Reply)

Wanderlust
Don't you have a job to go to? You spend far too much time on B3ta!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:44, Reply)

@the stig
I'm at work...
Edit: For you to know I spend too much time on here it must mean you're on here a lot.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:45, Reply)

If it wasn't for B3ta
I'd probably have quit my job and be living in a dumpster, throwing empty cans of special brew at passers by.

Or, I'd have got more work done, but ultimately been a hollow shell, a soulless husk.

So, long live B3ta!

*enjoys the jiggle*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:46, Reply)

@wanderlust
I KNOW I spend too much time on here. But I'm beyond salvation! There's still a chance for you!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:49, Reply)

Speaking of work
I've got important stuff to do for now.

Back later with more rubbish jokes.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:50, Reply)

@the stig
Is this your polite way of telling me to bugger off?
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:51, Reply)

@wanderlust
No, this isn't a HSH thread....it's an intervention! We're all worried about you, Miss Wanderlust! :O)

P.S I wouldn't say "B***** off" because I don't swear.
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:54, Reply)

Morning folks - have another joke
A captain in the Frech Foreign Legion is posted to a new outpost.

He's being shown round the barracks and is satisfied that everything is in order. However, he expresses curiosity as to how the men satisy their normal, base urges.

"Well", the Sergeant explains, "We have the camel".

Leading him round the side, the sergeant shows him the mangiest, smelliest, moth-eaten camel the captain has ever seen.

"That's disgusting!" thinks the Captain, "I shall just have to be the very model of self-restraint, and an example to all my men".

However, after six months of frustration, he finally caves in.
"Bring me a stool!" he demands. Having been presented with said implement he positions it behind the camel, drops his britches, and goes at it hammer and tongs til he deposits his silky load inside the bemused dromedary.

"There", he pants, wiping sweat from his brow, "Is that how the other men do it?"

"Actually", said the Sergeant, "They would normally just ride it to the brother in the nearest town".


I thank you.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 8:57, Reply)

Morning all!
*groans*
I'm tired today, gotta scrape through 'til 4, then I'm off to a metal gig.
Ah well :)
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:04, Reply)

Morning all!
Going to the brother?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:06, Reply)

@Kaol
Who you off to see?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:06, Reply)

Morning BK, Kaol & Himjim
Which gig are you going to Kaol?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:07, Reply)

@the stig
You're all worried about me? I think you'll find there are plenty of people who spend far longer on here than I do.

*leaves*

*emos*
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:07, Reply)

Morning LM
How goes it?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:09, Reply)

I spend far too long on here
But I just don't care *waves arms in air for added effect*

Hello everyone! *hugs all round*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:10, Reply)

Tonight
Is In Flames and Gojira (however you spell it. EIDT: Thanks!)
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:10, Reply)

BK
I'm alright thanks, although the day ahead of me looks long and arduous. How about yourself?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:10, Reply)

Gojira :D
As I said the other day, I was very impressed with Gojira, so you're in for a blinder there Kaol!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:11, Reply)

@LM
Bit meh to be honest. Struggling to raise enthusiasm for anything.

@Kaol
New In Flames stuff is pretty decent.
Like Gojira a fair bit too.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:12, Reply)

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, should be fun!
Going with my mate from work, so we're gonna sneak off a bit early.

And hit up a few pubs.
*grins*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:13, Reply)

Do we need to tell you
how to spell edit as well Kaol? :P
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:14, Reply)

Good Morning TGB!
@BK I know the feeling, everything feels like an uphill struggle recently.

Leam bash this weekend though, so something to look forward to!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:17, Reply)

Hey Lab :)
Yeah woo for Leamington bashes! Should be full of drunken debauchery.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:19, Reply)

Morning. I'm posting from my phone so be nice GB
So this man goes to the doctors to pick up some test results. 'Well doctor what's the news?' 'Not good. I'm sorry but you have a terminal illness.' 'Oh shit, how long have I got?' '10' 'Ten what? Weeks, months, what?' '9' ..........
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:19, Reply)

Woo! Leam!
*coughs*
I'm not excited... Honest officer...

*grins*

And no... I haven't been drinking.
Out of the car?
*sighs*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:21, Reply)

I am always nice
*grins*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:21, Reply)

Moaning
I am currently diliberating whether to eat first or work.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:29, Reply)

Eat and work!
*opens hula hoops*

*realises he doesn't do much work anyway*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:31, Reply)

Oh dear, I seem to have acquired goosebumps.
Awesome.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:42, Reply)

Hullo!
And good morning to everyone! Looks like we've had some good jokes already, a bit of a jiggle, and some top class talking of the toot.

That's the way, a-ha, a-ha, I like it!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:42, Reply)

What's that DiT?
You want awful jokes?

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:45, Reply)

Morning everybody!
I have coffee, I have tobacco, I have crisps.

I am ready for the day ahead! =)
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:46, Reply)

@TGB
GROAN! (I quite liked that!)

And ning, Pirate!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:51, Reply)

@ TGB
I liked that:)

Morning DiT!
And 'Monkey!

Morning Batman
*psychics*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:52, Reply)

Bonjourno everyone
How's it going? I've just eaten 3 bananas and I'm starting to develop a dicky tummy. Woohah.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:52, Reply)

That's weird...
Because I just listened to three Bananarama songs and now I'm having a dicky ticker.

Must be something in the air.

EDIT: don't forget to replace your salts, Batman!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:55, Reply)

Well I'm going
to have a huge steak and gravy pasty for my lunch so the salt content in that should hopefully help!

Morning BK, you feeling any better?
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:58, Reply)

Yes!
Hula Hoops!
*grins*

Blue ones though :p
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:02, Reply)

My boss just told me this gem...
If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:02, Reply)

Payday woo!
I've treated myself by buying 3 lovely shirts from www.topatoco.com/ :D

They'll probably take a bajillion years to ship to me, and then cost me poozillions of pounds in customs, but I'll be the prettiest man in the land.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:05, Reply)

@ Batman
Yeah, quite a lot thanks. Chest is fine, just a bit of a tickly cough left.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:06, Reply)

Um...
2 guys are in a bar and one turns to the other and says "your round". The other guy replies "fuck you!you could do with losing a bit of weight too, you fat bastard!"


Sorry.


EDIT Labiamajora - please tell me you got the Jesus vs T-Rex one...

BK Good good, glad to hear it.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:06, Reply)

Hello again all
Bambidextrous! Oh dear.

*chuckles*

@HCFB - the quantity of banana-age you have eaten for your breakfast constitutes the equivalent of 37.5% of my lifetime banana intake.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:06, Reply)

Yeah,
Salt and vinegar :D
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:07, Reply)

Salt & Vinegar
Is probably the best flavour of crisp across all brands, a universal constant of deliciousness.

@Batman No, I didn't, but it is an awesome shirt that I'll have to get some day!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:09, Reply)

hehe
I like the "Shoes, they are like hats for feet" one :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:10, Reply)

Morning All
Thought I would drop in and say hello.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:11, Reply)

Got a meeting to go to now....
I'd rather be on here....

Anyone got an amyl nitrate so I can feign a heart attack?
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:12, Reply)

As it happens, Stig...
No, sorry.
In my other jacket.

EDIT: Morning and hello, never-right!
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:14, Reply)

@Stig
Yup. I've got one in my desk drawer!

Edit - All right, never-right?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:15, Reply)

TGB
Yeah that one is cracking too.

My mate recently made a t-shirt which is the mutts nutts. You know the famous I (heart) NY t-shirts? Well it's that but next to the NY it looks like some home spray painted fan...

It looks like I (heart) fanNY. Hahahahaha!

Once again, I'm sorry.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:18, Reply)

@ Ancrenne
Not bad ta. Yourself?

Got a feeling its gonna be a slooooow day
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:18, Reply)

Maybe the smell would, Acrenne....
but the main point would be missing the meeting. I don't care if I smell of salt and vinegar crisps as long as I miss the meeting!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:18, Reply)

Ancrenne
You just liberally splash whisky over yourself to hide the smell :D
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:18, Reply)

What A Great Idea
Whisky and Poppers party themed meetings!

Would liven up any Power Point presentation
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:20, Reply)

Work
Just sat at work...alone. Everyone is out. Got stuff to do but putting it off....:)
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:22, Reply)

Acrenne....
....although, I want to miss the meeting I want to retain SOME dignity!

Maybe I should try senility? Just forget who I am and who everyone else is....?
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:24, Reply)

I see things are 'normal' here
you bunch of lunatics.

/sane voice
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:25, Reply)

Anyone got any
Poppers or Whisky??

I got the Herb...:)
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:25, Reply)

Do you think that
Priapism is a good reason to cancel a meeting?
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:27, Reply)

A good method for missing meetings:
1) Pick up your 'phone.
2) Get slowly more agitated.
3) Start yelling about share prices, or the Tokyo Brief, or an appropriate problem for your work environment.
4) As everyone's leaving, cover the speaker conspiratorially and say to a colleague "Sorry, but there's been a massive cock-up in Stuttgart and I need to re-route the AIP's to make London by morning." (or similar)
5) Spend the next couple of hours on B3ta!

This plan is brought to you by PURE WIN.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:28, Reply)

@Kaol
It depends who your fellow attendees are, I'd guess.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:28, Reply)

morning clenders
*flex*

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*wades into joke conversation a bit late*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Sweet!
It's a poppers and whisky party.

I've just made the mistake of looking at that t-shirt site. Adding up everything I now need (not want, these things are important for my future), my bill would come to $330. Damn you!
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Just go to the meeting
and fall asleep

Hey never-right *waves*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:30, Reply)

BK!
Yay! It's gonna be a long and tiresome day, so I'll need that flex to carry me through.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:31, Reply)

Further to TGB's suggestion
just do as I sometimes do, and fall asleep instead of going to the meeting.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:33, Reply)

@ clenders
Glad to be of service!

Morning ancrenne.
I hate my office. I'd be more likely to quit smoking if it wasn't my sole reason for leaving it through the day:(
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:35, Reply)

Hehe
Ancrenne, of course you can! In fact, encourage it!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:35, Reply)

Hmmm...
I've gotta pop out in half an hour, for an hour or so, need to drop a guy to the station, fun.
*shrugs*

Hope he likes Johnny Truant :D
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:36, Reply)

Morning Badger
*waves back*
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:37, Reply)

Dont like meetings
Why not just send out mass email explaining stuff..
In the words of Gordon Ramasese
"DONE"
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:40, Reply)

Kaol
I have now heard the special treat.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:40, Reply)

K2k6's rule of meeting usefulness
The usefulness of a meeting is directly proportional to the number of people attending. So ancrenne's meeting with herself is the most useful of the lot. Once you have more than half a dozen people there, it becomes a waste of time.

Plus, when having a meeting with yourself, you don't even have to get dressed. You can wander around in your pants. Or less, if the feeling takes you.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:42, Reply)

I do get to
Drive in the sun.
With the windows open.
And my shades on.
Listening to loud music :D

Sometimes, I like my job :)
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:44, Reply)

I am so tired
damn my boss for being in today or I could probably get away with a sly sleep
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:46, Reply)

@TGB
So what were you doing last night that made you so tired, then?

*winks*

*nudges*

Oh, just fixing the Marina?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:47, Reply)

Morning Ancrenne, clendrix and never-right *waves*
Thankfully we're mostly too busy to have meetings, but that gives me time to prepare questions. Oh yes, in meetings I become 'Annoying Questions Man', asking pointed questions about why a new manager felt the need to change a door entry code and not tell anyone, or why can't the new starters be gagged until they've learnt to control the volume of their voices.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:47, Reply)

Morning Labs
I wish you were coming to my lunchtime meeting. It might stop me from killing everyone.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:51, Reply)

Sadly I wasn't doing anything!
I watched Heroes and HIMYM and then pissed about on the internet then went to bed and fell asleep sometime between....0031 and 0036 which isn't that late!

Maybe I overslept....
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:52, Reply)

I'd enjoy that Clendrix
But seeing as I don't know anything about your company, it's business or it's people, I'd be reduced to picking on people who make errors in logic, or are too vague or ambiguous in what they say.

Basically, I'd be a cunt, but I'd try to be charming and smiling with it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:55, Reply)

@ TGB
Thats quite an accurate prediction of your falling asleep..

I'm impressed.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:55, Reply)

They are all windbags who love nothing more than waffling on about their own crap.
Come on over!
Bring weapons.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:57, Reply)

Well it is based
on the fact I texted someone at 0031 but had fallen asleep by the time they replied at 0036!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:57, Reply)

Weapons you say?
Do you have a preference for ranged, or melee? Medieval or modern? Brutal or humiliating?

I'm sure we can cater to your needs!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:00, Reply)

Morning!
Hello my beauties! I hope everyone is fine and splendid today.
What is todays current choice topic of conversation?
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:00, Reply)

aHHH
Well that explains it!!
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:00, Reply)

@ Lucy Van Pelt
This morning, we have been mostly talking about poppers and whisky based meetings at work.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:01, Reply)

Hey Lucy :)
I think the topic now is "What weapons would you take to a meeting"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:02, Reply)

Good morning!
Poppers and whiskey eh? That could rapidly escalate into one hell of a party.
Although I'm not a whiskey drinker. yuk.

Edit - Meetings weapons? Oooh good one. You could just eat a curry and fart all the way through it. Some bumgas can be construed as a weapon.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:03, Reply)

Labs
Something to point at their gobs to stop the gibberish and self-indulgent shite coming out.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:03, Reply)

Morning LVP!
Clendrix, you just wish to point, not insert?

A gun is the obvious choice, but nothing says "I am serious, shut the fuck up" like a classic British long bow aimed at their gob.

Or, if space is an issue, a barber shop straight razor dancing lightly between your fingers has a similar effect.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:07, Reply)

Labs
OMG, yes, a long bow! Brilliant!
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:09, Reply)

I Rekkon
Switch the poisons.

Whisky in the poppers bottle an vice versa.

Sniffing whisky and drinking poppers...
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:14, Reply)

Longbows are quite
unwieldy. I have you down as a sort of retro, mohawk'd Dirty Harry now :p

"make my day junior accountant for offshore clients"

edit: Never right my mate used to dip his cigarettes in poppers, let it dry and out then smoke it. nutter
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:15, Reply)

Morning all
Loving Topatoco shirts.

I got Mr Bin one of the White Ninja ones. Pterodactyls with laser beam eyes.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:24, Reply)

Now Thats Grim
Think I got a bit carried away with the ole poppers thing...
Don't know why, not had them for years and last time i had some thought they were rubbish.
Just gave me a headache..
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:24, Reply)

Ning, LVP!
My weapon of choice for a meeting would have to be a rapier and dagger. Lethal in the right hands, and more importantly good for close-quarters combat in a confined space.

That, or I'll conceal a gas mask about my person and pump mustard gas in to the room.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:24, Reply)

TGB
They are indeed unwieldy, but for sheer power and awesomeness, it's hard to beat a long bow!

If things in this country get too bad, I'll be one of the first wandering wastelanders, think along the lines of Mad Max or the game Fallout. But not the film Doomsday, that felt like three films crammed into one.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:24, Reply)

For some reason
I like the idea of beating people in meetings about the face with an 18-inch black rubber cock.

I may have been overly impressed by Orgazmo.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:25, Reply)

I quite fancy a selection of throwing knives
in a sash strap around my waist, with a wrist dagger. I really should stop playing Assassins Creed.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:26, Reply)

DiT
Wot no gladiator weapon?
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:27, Reply)

My Weapon
May well be a multiple strike taser..(for more than one target)

Apparently one can lose all bowel control if the shock is strong enough
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:27, Reply)

Mrs Bin
Ooo, that's a good shirt too! A wise choice :D

@DiT I like your style with the rapier and main gauche. It's a shame modern fencing doesn't include a main gauche, I would have trained that style over sabre.

Edit: Himjim also has style! I enjoyed Assassin's Creed, but it got a bit samey towards the end.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:27, Reply)

Wookiee
Would it be strapped to you?
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:28, Reply)

@LM
His friend wants the 'gorilla ripping a snake in half' one. Got to love that one too.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:30, Reply)

I now have a rather spiffing
mental image of wookie with a huge black dildo.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:32, Reply)

I was intending to wield it like a club.
Now I am wondering about the possibilities of just taking an evil hand instead.

EDIT - Just say the word, Lusty.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:33, Reply)

Having said that
a Fairburn Sykes Commando dagger wouldn't go amiss. Can everyone see the photos on Flickr yet?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:34, Reply)

Evil Hand!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha.

Please do. Can I be one of your zombie mates?
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:34, Reply)

@WL
Yeah me too...with it strapped to him rampaging around the office dishing out beat downs to middle management types..
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:34, Reply)

Mrs Bin
I just bought some of the A Softer World shirts, namely the "Fuck Politics, I want to burn shit down", "Be the trouble you want to see in the world" and "In case of zombie invasion, please follow me" shirts.

Edit: Himjim, which pics? Do you mean on the b3ta calendar flickr pool?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:35, Reply)

Clenderfield
Will it be bottling or decaptiation for you?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Labs
I love that second shirt. Great.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Wookers
Bottling, please! I don't want a big stick down my neck.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:39, Reply)

Not unless I am signed in
to the b3ta group thing.

Woo text confirming that drunken cooking on Friday is go go go!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:40, Reply)

I have, before now
taken bum gas into a meeting and released several aliquots of it during the course of proceedings.

My most embarrassing incident though was when at a conference with my boss. We were staying in a travel inn and the previous evening I'd had something quite potent for dinner. So we were walking to the car in the morning and I felt my guts grumbling.

I opened the tailgate to put our bags in, and went round to the driver's door as my boss went to the passenger side. "Now's the time", I thought and released a brown gas bomb into the atmosphere, expecting it would be dissipated by the wind before I got in the car.

I forgot about the gas-retentive properties of suit trousers though. Wool traps gas quite well, with the result that when I got in the car and sat down, the guff permeated throughout the passenger cabin.

It was so powerful the windows almost dissolved, and I'm sure some of the plastic trim discoloured.

My boss is a polite sort, so didn't say anything but he must have been retching. He's not the sort I could have a laugh about farting with, unfortunately.

I got the fan switched on PDQ though, ostensibly to demist the windows.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:41, Reply)

Ahhh
Now I can see the Flickr pics!

Himjim, mind if I steal that one of my mo'? It's a cracker!

Edit: And the Captain Placid & Pooflake pic is the best!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:43, Reply)

Yeah the ones on the pool
I'm not quite sure how you make it so that they're visible like the others, even when you're not logged in.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:43, Reply)

Meetings .. hmmm
I use a Japanese idea for meetings.

No Chairs, No tables. Everyone has to stand.

That way you don't get the twats who are in love with the sound of their own voice waffling on and on for ages.

Everybody keeps it short and to the point so we can all get out asap and back to our comfy chairs (and productive work alledgedly) :)

People hate my meetings :)
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:46, Reply)

@Labia
I only chose the dagger as that's the form that I trained in. 3 years and certification says that I, DiT, can wave swords with live blades around on stage and not hurt people!

(Of course, were I to use this in an office environment, I would adjust my aim slightly!)

@LvP - No, not really. A mace and chain, a pike, or a chariot with spiked wheels really won't fit in to our meeting rooms... ;)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:47, Reply)

@LabiaMajora...

what picture?

*worries*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:49, Reply)

Back from the meeting.....
....and with any luck I won't get invited to any more. I gave such stupid suggestions, that I added nothing to the meeting. Some of my best suggestions were:

- solving our accident rates by killing everyone on site.

- filling pot holes on site with useless members of staff. It's cheaper than concrete and will probably last longer.

- suggesting McDonalds as a venue for our Christmas dinner.

and

- easing the work load of everyone on site by (you guessed it) killing everyone on site!

Saying all this did two things:

1. I won't get invited to any more meetings
and
2. If I can't bring the meeting to B3ta, I'll take B3ta to the meeting! :O)
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:51, Reply)

hahaha @ RadG's meets
Hey Poof :)

If you join the b3ta group on flickr you can see :p

You better be there this Sunday, Kaol is coming up just to see you :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:51, Reply)

I don't recall saying Pooflake's name five times into a mirror...
Pooflake, Himjim has just posted a couple of pics of the last Leam minibash on the b3ta flickr pool, but it seems that you have to be signed in to view them.

There's a pic of you and Captain Placid.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:52, Reply)

@ Pooflake
this one
Edit: boolarks.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:52, Reply)

Changing the subject
I heard on the local news yesterday that Scotland's crime rate has fallen to its lowest level for many years. Meanwhile, a politician was complaining that the prisons are full to bursting.

Am I the only one to think these two facts might just be related?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:06, Reply)

'Say my name 5 times into a mirror'...

I'm just like the 'Candyman'...If you replace the words 'Candy' with 'fat' and 'man' with 'cunt'

But I'm in an entirely better mood today because...

/drumroll

I had a poo today!

yes, gout update day 6 - dit-de-dit-dit-dit...

today I have managed to expell the first solids from the rotting corpse shell I call my body.

(I hope you'll all join me in a 'yay')

since Friday I have been splooshing slurry-like cack from every orifice like an outtake of the exorcist.

and although it was nothing much to shout about for a man with my record, it counts as a 'didgeridoo' nonetheless and it marks a step to recovery.

so, TGB, Cinderella WILL go to the ball on Sunday
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:09, Reply)

Hmmm K2k6
I think you may be onto something there..
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:10, Reply)

Yay
for Pooflake's solid jobbie!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:16, Reply)

I'm back
Ended up listening to Slipknot in the car :D

We're gonna burn your cities down.

Also, I missed a conversation on weapons :(
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:17, Reply)

good afternoon people.
how is everyone today?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:21, Reply)

Hey Flesh!
Listened to any of that music yet?
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:22, Reply)

Congrats Poof
slightly upset I read that whilst eating but heyho.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:29, Reply)

Nope
not yet. I'll take it with me on Friday when I go to the office and listen then. Won't be here much tomorrow so not much point.


BTW - nice to see I have a fan. :)

EDIT: @k2k6 - Scotland's crime has fallen cause I moved away. No more assualts on chavs...
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:30, Reply)

@acrenne
do both...take a book to the river.
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:31, Reply)

There's worse, TGB
Have you read chart cat's QOTW entry yet? It'll having you laughing and spewing at the same time!

Other QOTW entries are available. The poster has no connection with chart cat, his agents, family or employees. In fact he doesn't actually know who chart cat is
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:32, Reply)

*grins*
Fans are awesome!

EDIT: Yeah, I read it, Mr. K.
It was... *shrugs*
Rather vivid...
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:33, Reply)

@flesh
I would regard you more as a public servant than a criminal for attacking chavs!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:36, Reply)

k2k6
I will read that after I have finished nomming then!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:36, Reply)

unfortunately
the police don't always see it that way.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:41, Reply)

@ ancrenne
Go to the library. I'm off there as well (although probably not the same one) in a misguided attempt to find a copy of Sandman - Dream Country.

It's the only volume I need to allow me to plow through the entire series in a week but I'll be buggered if I can find it in any shops around here. I may have to hit amazon and their extortionate delivery charges soon.
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:41, Reply)

Right, I'm off down town
See you in a bit. Possibly with some poor jokes.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Pirate
You dirty Amazon heathen.

Play and their free delivery for the win :)
www.play.com/Books/Books/4-/259885/-/Product.html?searchstring=Sandman+-+Dream+Country.&searchsource=0
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:50, Reply)

Chartcat's QOTW
Is definitely a winner in my eyes.

Erm, I don't mean that what happened in the story sounds fun, it's certainly a case of "rather you than me!"

Threesomes... don't think I could.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:51, Reply)

Cheers TGB
If it's not at the library, I reckon I'll be ordering that!
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:55, Reply)

so,
what is everyone doing?

I have a conversation class to prepare, and a class for beginners. Bit difficult when you don't know the students
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:55, Reply)

Agreed
I don't think I'd be up for one. Not that I'm offering.

Just... Doesn't appeal.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:56, Reply)

flesh
If that's the case, can't you do the classic, name, age, where you're from class?
What type of conversation anyway? ESOL?
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:00, Reply)

*tips hat*
No problemo Pirate :)

haha Chart Cats story is brilliant!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:01, Reply)

@ TGB
Agrees. That's one of the mankiest/funniest things I've ever read.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:03, Reply)

well
the beginner's is probably easier beacuse they know nothing, and have to introduce the language, sounds and so on.

Conversation on the other hand....

EDIT @Ms Van Pelt, EFL/ESOL whatever the hell they want to call it next week, yes. It's only an hour, and it's first class, so should be enough to introduce each other and find out intersts and so on. Luckily, hte level is supposedly quite high. Does mean I'm teaching striaght from 5:30 to 10 now, instead of an hour's break from 7:30
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:07, Reply)

Lunchtime
Woo!
*runs*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:08, Reply)

Hey Flesh
Do you teach English abroad then? Or here... or another language... or English and another language? or...or...or
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:11, Reply)

Aaah i see
Conversation classes can be a bitch. I have had some great ones where I've come away feeling great and like I can actually hold my own in a conversation and then there's those where you are frightened to speak up.

But i'm sure your classes are aceness. How can b3tan language learning not be fun?!

Edit - Actually, you might be the person I need to talk to. I am a language grad at the moment REALLY struggling to find work. Would it be worth getting deeper into debt now and doing a TEFL or CELTA so I can get tuition work or is it not worth the risk?
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:12, Reply)

Afternoon all
thanks for the kind words in the face of my vile tale and appalling timing. I moved to Tokyo this week (+8hrs) so I forgot that it was lunchtime in the UK.

So, did anyone finish their lunch?
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:19, Reply)

I enjoyed my lunch more
I even salted up my Nesquik for true authenticity.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:22, Reply)

Afternoon (evening), chart cat
I was eating a roll as I was reading it. I finished it, but the roll wasn't too appetising. Especially the mayonnaise...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:22, Reply)

Yeah I nommed all my lunch
Sadly I have been privy to tales that are more horrific than that. *shudders*

I did click though :D
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:24, Reply)

@TGB
I teach English abroad (and yesterday discovered I work alongside another b3tan)

@LVP - well, my TEFL/CELTA was quite cheap, less than 300, and I did it online (www.i-to-i.com if you're interested) but, at least here, most companies prefer attendance courses, which are damn expensive. Did I not also read you were considering a Masters in T&I? There's plenty of work in that field - and you set your own rates. My girlfriend studied T&I, and now runs a company, so if you want something more sure (less hours, but generally better money) go for the T&I debt - but find one of the universities which offer official T&I Masters - there's only a few. I'll find the list later and pass it on if you like
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:26, Reply)

@himjim
heeuurrgghhhhh

Salted up... a fine phrase.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Hahaha
Brilliant story, and well told. I have been fortunate enough to only endure 2 female 1 male threesomes.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:31, Reply)

Ace thanks
My sister did an accelerated CELTA and found work quite easily so I may well do that. I do want to do a masters in T&I but I originally wanted to work for a while first and relieve myself of some of my stupid debt. As I've missed this academic year for Masters I guess the choice is to do a CELTA during Spring semester or work and save for a Masters.
Which is difficult when there's no bloody work!

I have to laugh at the situation or I'd honestly cry!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:31, Reply)

For the uninitiated (i.e. me)
What's T&I?

I know what T&A is....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:35, Reply)

Mmmm...
All-Day-Breakfast sandwich...
With brown sauce.

Oh... Oh balls...
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:35, Reply)

^pfft!
You crazy cat!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:46, Reply)

K2K6
Translating and Interpreting.

Or you can do Masters in just translation or just interpreting.

:)
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:46, Reply)

T&I
Translation & Interpretation
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Lost in translation ....
had to share this

My youngest isn't well at the moment, and late last night, after I'd gone to bed but MrWitch was still up, she wandered through to tell Mum that she had a sore head.

I told her to go and ask her dad to give her Calpol.

Either she was mumbling, or he's going deaf, because he went to the kitchen, and instead of a spoonful of purple pain relief, he handed her an apple.

Which she ate without protest, then went back to bed. I can't decide if apples are nature's unknown painkillers, or if she was just 'at it' with the sore head claim.

Either way, we had a damn good laugh when I came home from work and he asked why I'd sent the bairn to get an apple at well after midnight .....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Oh, I see, Lucy
Thanks. I was thinking Teaching and Instructing or something like that.

Or T&A, which is much more fun. :)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:49, Reply)

T&A?
Tits and arse?
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:57, Reply)

T&A
Agreed, T&A appeals to me more.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:57, Reply)

TWW
That's brilliant!

My mum decided to remind me of the time I came in to her room when I was little, threw up on her and then said I felt ill. According to her love is still talking to someone when they have thrown up in your face.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:58, Reply)

TGB
yup, both of mine have done that. Thrown up in my face, in my hair, all over a brand new carpet (that one was spag bol, lovely) and many, many more.

I still have the teenage years to get through, with the resultant introduction to excessive alcohol consumption, as well. I may just book myself into the old folks' home a bit ahead of schedule ......
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:01, Reply)

@ancrenne
No, using a laser is not the best way to cook food. A microwave oven is far better. The longer wavelength of the latter means in general that the absorption coefficient is much lower and so the radiation is absorbed more uniformly than laser light would be.

A laser would char the surface extremely quickly and leave the inside uncooked.

A microwave doesn't cook from the inside out, but the temperature difference between the inside and outside is much less than when using infra red heating (i.e. grilling).

/physicist
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:04, Reply)

TWW
I like the way she ate it without fuss and went back to bed.

You do realise that you will be telling this story to someone when she's older and she will suddenly realise what's happened.

@Chartcat. I cuffing love Tokyo. Have fun! Your story broke my mind. I hope it's not true.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:05, Reply)

Ah
more reasons I don't want kids! Mainly as I can't deal with other peoples vomit *shudders*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:05, Reply)

I'll try not to be sick
In your house then :|

*blushes*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:06, Reply)

TGB
It's surprising what you can deal with when you have no choice ....

Motherhood has forced me to deal with the most unspeakable things, and yet I went and had a second. Insanity? Probably.

Saying that, I have the hugest respect for anyone who refuses to have kids because they don't want them. I know a couple of women who've felt they 'had to' and gone ahead against their better judgement. Massive mistake!

Edit: Kaol, don't chuck up in my house either. I can only cope with my own and my kids' vomit without joining in ....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:09, Reply)

Back from my meeting!
*hides corpses in cupboard*
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:10, Reply)

You can be sick
As long as I don't have to deal with it! Cleaning product locations will be pointed out in the tour :p

And TWW I agree, some people seem to think society dictates they should have kids! I have never wanted them - not even for a second and I can't see it changing!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:11, Reply)

TWW
Aww, that is a cute story!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:13, Reply)

welcome back clendrix!
Did you go for the long bow in the end?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:15, Reply)

I cannot keep my eyes open!
I am in such danger of falling asleep at my desk!

Has life really come to this?!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:15, Reply)

Good afternoon all
How is everybody?

I've just had a very interesting morning. On the bright side I've been told I have to take the rest of the week off sick.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:16, Reply)

Hi V
Is everything ok? What's up?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:17, Reply)

Clendrix
I hope you stole their wallets and watches before stashing them?

Why V? *hugs*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:18, Reply)

Labs
Yes, but I had to pull all the arrows out as there wasn't room in the cupboard for them all. This means I remain armed and dangerous.

Badger, not a bad idea!
*squelches back into cupboard*
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:20, Reply)

afternoon V
your boss is waaay better than mine. A colleague fainted last week, and came round to be asked "if she really, really HAD to go home?"

Rotten barsteward
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:21, Reply)

All sorts lab
Basically I've been having a bit of a manic episode and have spent around 3 hours down at the hospital today.

It's a bitch but I'm finally getting a proper diagnosis and treatment for what's going on so hopefully it'll all be under control and no longer causing any serious problems pretty soon.

:edit: @weewitch It's not my boss saying I can't work - it's the doctor(s). Still, they've said I might have to take more time off than that so we'll see.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:22, Reply)

Not having kids
Lots of young women say they don't want kids. However, I've found that women in their 30s often suddenly wake up to the fact that the biological clock is ticking, and that they do after all want to produce sprogs.

Not all women, but quite a few.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:23, Reply)

Captain V
I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm very glad that you're now getting a proper diagnosis, and I hope you can receive some grade A treatment soon :)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:26, Reply)

Yeah,
Capt'n V, really wish you all the best :)
*hugs*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:27, Reply)

But are they
like TWWs friends who feel society is looking at them a bit funny as they are in their late 30s with no kids?

I've told my mum to give me a good slap round the face if I ever say I want them.

I won't be able to afford my fast cars if I have kids and there is NO WAY I am letting the snotty little devils in my Aston.

Well good news on the diagnostic V :) *hugs*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:27, Reply)

Thanks guvna
I'm not finding it half as distressing as I feel I should be. Guess I should be pleased about that really.

:edit: @Kaol Thankings.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:27, Reply)

I may be in a minority here...
But I, as a twenty-something male, want children. Not right now this second, but I would like to be a Dad one day.

I think this is because my Dad's a bit (oh, okay, a lot) rubbish at being a Dad, and I want to rectify that.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:28, Reply)

Mr Bin wants babies
and I do too. But we just pain can't afford it.

My mother decided I'd left it to late when I hit 25.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:29, Reply)

I don't want kids for a couple of reasons.
One is that I don't like them much.

The other is that the various Fun-Tastic-Mental-Issues^TM that I have could well be passed on to them. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:30, Reply)

@DiT
I want kids. I want them a lot. Don't want them now, anytime between around 28 and 35 would be good for me. I don't want to have kids as late as my Dad did as I get the feeling he wishes he'd had children sooner (I'm the eldest and he had me when he was 40)

:edit: @Kaol. That's a very good reason for not wanting kids. I hate to think what kind of pain me and my ex-girlfriend would have inflicted on children if it'd worked out...
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:30, Reply)

@TGB
Some are, yes. But there are others who (apparently) genuinely feel that they're missing out by not having kids, and get extremely broody.

I know at least one person like that.

I'd still shag her, mind you... With extra care

Edit - for the record, I do not want kids. Never have.

Further edit. PJM has a good, if somewhat harrowing, story on this very subject which he posted on a QOTW once.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:31, Reply)

Well k2k6
there is a possibility your biological clock will kick in and you will want them.

Kaol you will have more money to spend on pointy objects if you don't have kids :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:36, Reply)

Possibly, TGB
But I'm 39 already and it hasn't bothered me up to now.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:37, Reply)

Fortunately the doctors I've seen are alright
I'm also lucky in having a very supportive family and understanding friends.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:38, Reply)

As a public service
to all childless b3tans, I am willing to lend mine out for short period (ie no less than 3 months at a time) to anyone who is unsure of their desire to procreate.

They are fully housetrained, fluent in English and Gibberish, more PC literate than most adults and fight with the sheer abandon of drunken women on a hen night. Offend one, though, and the other will knife you in the back.

Honestly, if they don't put you off having kids, I'll even buy your firstborn some shares.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:38, Reply)

@ Mrs Liveinabin
My partner and I always said that we couldn't afford it. Then came the fateful day I found out I was gonna be a daddy.

I can rememeber like it was yesterday. (it was)

Only joking.

World cup 2006. England Sweden group game. (just after full time) 2 weeks after she had been 'let go' from full time employment and was already grieving from teh lack of mortgage help.

I was stunned...

But somehow we still have our home...and can still treat ourselves occasionally.

No-one can ever really afford it but its amazing how well you cope. You just have to.
she's just gone 19 months old!!

Yay!
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:40, Reply)

Well men
hit their sexual peak later don't they.

Ancrenne can you not run it under the hot tap until it becomes free?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:41, Reply)

@Ancrenne
Just run the plastic pot under the hot tap for a couple of minutes. That should melt the outside of the food sufficiently to allow you to extract it for microwavery.

@TGB - Just because I'm not yet* at my sexual peak doesn't mean I'm going to use the opportunity to procreate.

Although a bit more sex would be good. :(

*possibly
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:42, Reply)

I would lend you a laser, ancremme...
I just can't get it off the damn Shark's head. And the Shark is very bitey.

*needs a bigger boat*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:42, Reply)

Ancrenne
Then surely the old boiling water inside a bigger bowl trick was made for this occasion.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:43, Reply)

ancrenne
boil the kettle, put an inch or two of boiling water in a larger pot and dip the frozen one in it. This should melt enough to allow the frozen lump to slide out easily (oo er) for nuking at your convenience. Or in the kitchen if you prefer.... as others have already said.

On broodiness, I am just now at the 'sexual peak' age, but had my first Witchlet 14 years ago, so probably not connected......
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:44, Reply)

Ancrenne is right
I *think* men hit their sexual peak in their teens and women usually in their 30s.

I'm sure it's not linked to broodiness though. My ex-girlfriend was very, very broody for a good while and she's only 21.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:44, Reply)

All this talk of kids
*books snip*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:44, Reply)

Hi Never-right
I don't think I've had the pleasure.

At the moment I need to get one year of teaching under my belt and then find a permanent job so I get some maternity leave.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:45, Reply)

Sexual peak?
You mean I've missed mine?
*loads revolver*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:45, Reply)

If any woman wishes to find out at what age
men reach their sexual peak, I am willing to take part in the experiment!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:45, Reply)

Funnily enough, I was talking about this at lunchtime......
I don't want children (I agree with Kaol) on the grounds that I would be the world's most useless father. I like the idea of getting up and travelling when I see fit. Put children into the equation and it'll all go "Pete Tong".

Same with marriage, I can't see myself getting married....
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:46, Reply)

Haaaaa!
Kaol's too old!!!!!!
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:46, Reply)

Ever seen them?
On a night out to your local meat market?
30 ish 45 year old women with an 18 year old chav sucking each others faces off.

It must be a spiritual meeting of sexual peakiness
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:47, Reply)

K2k6
now that's what I like to see, a man willing to sacrifice himself in the name of science.


Edit: never-right, I'd say more like sexual yuckyness!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:48, Reply)

@ Mrs Liveinabin

Ahh yes the maternity leave.

Very good call. Mrs Right had to get a job ASAP and then 'discover' she was pregnant.
Didnt get full maternity but got enough to see us through.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Hmmm...
I see a Kaol's Experiment^TM in the making.
Any volunteers?
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:51, Reply)

There's a nightclub in Leam for this
experiment Kaol. It's called Rios.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:53, Reply)

Well Kaol
I'd like to help, but MrWitch and I have this agreement - he doesn't sleep with anyone else and in return I don't stab him in the face with a bread knife, and vice versa....

K2k6 was offering his services though, and I'm sure you'd make a lovely couple.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:54, Reply)

Kaol and K2k6
Aaah...cute.

Kaol, you should have tried out that Goth the other day...
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:55, Reply)

That's the best description
Of a relationship I've ever seen.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Mr. K?
I think the age gap is about right.
You up for it?
In the name of Science, obviously.

Clendrix, you mean "Living-Dead Cher"? Ew!
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Hmm, now
Kaol and I could both shag the same women and then they could say who was better.

It's not the most statistically significant experiment ever, but it involves teh sex, so it sounds good to me!

Edit - I posted this before I saw the above. I think I'd rather decline that particular offer though!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:56, Reply)

K2k6
I mean WE have sex.
You're taking, by the way.

Oh... You edited...
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:57, Reply)

Kaol
Yes, that's her. She sounded lovely.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Yeah, I know what you meant Kaol.
Hence the edit. I prefer my exit valve to remain just as that, if it's all the same.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Sexual Peak
If men reach theirs in their teens, then surely it's not a peak so much as the start of a downward slope?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Sexual peak
in men is supposed to be the late teens - or is that just when a lot of them realise that quality counts more than quantity?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:05, Reply)

Oh fine Mr. K.
Fine.
*frowns*

Can't believe you snubbed me like that.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:07, Reply)

I thought they had another one in the mid 50s
which is why they run off with their 20 year old receptionists
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:08, Reply)

I think you're right TWW
When I was in my teens I just wanted sex all the time. My desire for sex isn't any lower than it used to be but I crave good sex.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm not as easy as I used to be.

I think all that happens is men start to realise that not not all sex is worth the bother and that sex is much more enjoyably when you're in a loving relationship.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:09, Reply)

TWW
That might be when they realise that they won't be young and have an incredible metabolism for ever, so put it about a bit more. They know that when they're old and fat and are working all day that the only action they'll see is the 5 minute preview of a grot film in a Travel Lodge somewhere outside Slough, as they futilely wrestle with their lifeless todger, and cry into their tea made with year-old mini pots of UHT milk.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:10, Reply)

Badger
That's not a peak. That's an existential breakdown.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:11, Reply)

ancrenne
I'm no expert myself. Being an old-fashioned one man woman (no jokes about one man at a time, please) but I remember some "acquaintances" shall we say, who worked out around that age that crap sex was just, well, crap.

Edit: LabiaMajora, that's the best description of sad middle aged men I've ever seen!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:11, Reply)

@ LM
Fuck, I do that now.
Except for the 'lifeless' part. It's on a constant twitcher at the minute.

*overshares*
*runs away*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Try not to
sugar coat it too much there lab ;)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:13, Reply)

@Ancrenne
I'd say most certainly. I'd say I've been like that since around the age of 18.

@Labia

I hope you're right about that cause that means I'll likely buck the trend as my Dad has a fantastic metabolism. *cheers*
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:13, Reply)

Aaah
The sexeh time talk.

I think its right that men peak aged 19ish and women much later.
That means Mr VP peaked 10 years ago and I have 10 years before I do.
ha.

And the only time I ever slept with anyone younger it was...awful. Enthusiastic, but awful. My breasts have never received so much motorboat treatment in one evening ever.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:13, Reply)

@LvP
Is mr vP younger than you?
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:16, Reply)

Stig
No, he's older.
I did get that the right way round didn't I?
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:16, Reply)

BK
that was you, was it, twitching away in the corner.

You naughty, naughty boy.

*wags finger*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:17, Reply)

*juxtaposes 2 posts*
Stig.

What on earth are you trying to say about Mr VP?
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:17, Reply)

TGB
If I were to sugar coat it, the fat fucks would eat it.

LVP, what the hell is motorboat treatment?! It conjures up all sorts of mental images!

*sits patiently for the explanation and possible demonstration*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:17, Reply)

I can't help it, TWW!
It's become a compulsion!

*shames*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:17, Reply)

Stories of people being crap in bed
Are one of the things that I find funniest in the world. Not in a make your sides split kind of way I just find it funny that people can be so out of touch with what somebody else will find enjoyable.

*motorboats LVP*
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:18, Reply)

LM
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Motorboating
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:19, Reply)

I slept with someone a fair bit older once.
And ruined it.
We were 'getting to know each other' when I started to giggle. He asked what was wrong so I just replied with "Oh nothing, I was just thinking, when you were my age...I was 5"

He couldn't carry on so I got the bus home.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:19, Reply)

Stig
I hope you aren't suggesting anything unkind about the lovely Mr VP. He most certainly is not rubbish.

Lab - The motorboat treatment is when a gentleman inserts his face into a ladies cleavage and shakes his head rapidly whilst makeing a brrrrrrrrrrrrrr noise. Like a motorboat.
The bigger the boobs, the better the boat noise.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:19, Reply)

Lusty
That is genius.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:20, Reply)

LvP
Well, it depends. If you class the sexual peak of a female as 35, then you're younger. If you class the sexual of a female as 40, then you're older.

I was always told that the sexual peak of a female is somewhere between 35 and 40.

Makes no difference to me, I'll never figure women out.

*Edit* where exactly in my posts have I said Mr vP is "rubbish" (whatever that means). Is anyone actually reading my comments, or are people (as I suspect) just making it all up?
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:21, Reply)

Cheers Captain V!
I've heard of the act, but never knew it was called that ;)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:21, Reply)

lusty
that's excellent! No wonder the poor bloke couldn't continue, he must have felt like a paedo. The sort of stupid thing I'd be liable to blurt out, so it's just as well I'm married, really......
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:22, Reply)

@lusty
That's fantastic although it did make me wonder what I'd say/do if I ever found myself "getting to know" somebody old enough to be my mum...

Hopefully that'll never happen.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:22, Reply)

Well now you know!
And just for the record gentlemen, there is NOTHING sexy being on the receiving end.
I have a clear memory of looking at the top of said youngboys head and then trying to look at my watch to see if I could make a valid excuse to leave.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:23, Reply)

*motorboats*
I think that's the most romantic gesture I've ever heard of.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:24, Reply)

I felt myself getting old
when the new intake of students weren't even born when I was starting as a student.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:24, Reply)

I tend to say the wrong thing a lot!
Or generally make a fool out of myself.

Honestly I could write a book on things you should never say or do on dates. :(
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:25, Reply)

Moodkillers
Lusty, I'm not surprised he couldn't carry on after that comment!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:25, Reply)

*makes mental note NOT to describe motorboat to hubby*
cos he'd just have to try it. Although given my lack of ampleness, it'd probably be more "dinghy" anyway....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:26, Reply)

OK, seeing as wanderlust has reappeared,
here's this afternoon's crap joke


Right, there's this gorilla, walking through the jungle, one fine summer's morning. And like many a gorilla before and since, he's feeling more than a little frisky. Suddenly through the bushy undergrowth he spies a particularly attractive orange and black striped bottom sticking up towards him in an inviting sort of way. The gorilla says to himself, "Aye, aye. My luck's in here!"

So the gorilla grabs hold of this lovely big soft furry rump, makes his entry and empties his bags there and then. Immediately there's a huge roar and a tiger leaps round, raging and ripe for revenge. "Jesus H Christ!" the Gorilla says, "I'm out of here!" And he legs it off through the jungle with the tiger in hot pursuit.

The gorilla charges through the forest and into a clearing. Sitting there in a deckchair is this geezer wearing a hanky on his head and a pair of sun-specs and he's reading a copy of the Strathearn Herald.

The geezer sees the gorilla and he thinks 'Bloody hell - a ferocious gorilla! I'm off!' And off he runs, dropping his specs, the hanky and the paper. The gorilla slaps the hanky on his head, puts on the sunglasses, flops down in the deckchair and opens the Strathearn Herald. The tiger rushes into the clearing and says: 'Has a gorilla come running through this way?' The gorilla says: 'What, the one that just shagged the tiger?'

'Oh shit!' says the tiger, 'Don't tell me it's made the Strathearn Herald already!'
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:26, Reply)

My ex-housemate
Used to motorboat me when I was being miserable or angry and it would never fail to make me laugh.

It's obviously more of a comedy thing for me!

Edit - @Ancrenne - I think this particular young man was just very much a boob man...Well I know he was.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:27, Reply)

Hmm technically
Someone old enough to be my dad would be... 39 (if we are assuming they were legal). Which is how old Chris Garver is and I have major hots for him *glees*

I try and have a cut off point of about 30 though. Ok 32. Ok ok 35. Maybe 37 if they were really hot.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:28, Reply)

Write that book lusty
I'm sure it'd sell well. Can't find anything like it on amazon either.

I'm sure you could get some funny illustrations in there too.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:28, Reply)

K2k6
Actually, I liked that one.

*claps*

Edit: TGB - I know what you mean - he's totally lush. Much nearer my age, too. Oh hell, actually IS my age. Which means I could be your mum.

*sobs*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:29, Reply)

@TWW
It's one of my mates' favourite jokes. Officially known as the Infamous Strathearn Herald Joke, it's entered folklore. Well, in his world at least.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:30, Reply)

@ Lusty
You say the wrong thing?

I could regale everyone with the charity shop tale, but it's so foot-in-mouth:D
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:31, Reply)

TGB
CHRIS GARVER FTW!
he is lush.
I'd let him needle me anyday.

Edit - And I have no age limit, I quite enjoy an older man.

Edit again - Apologies, I got a little excited at the thought of chris garver.
And BK - tell all!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:31, Reply)

*googles Chris Garver*
Ach, he's only just turned 38. He's just a youngster!

Edit - Yes, BK. Do tell...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:33, Reply)

Ancrenne
Men want to motorboat because they don't have boobs, and boobs are awesome. FACT.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:34, Reply)

K2k6
That brought a lovely goofy grin to my face and I moaned a bit as well.

@Captain V But then everyone would know how utterly hopeless I am!

EDIT: Tell the story BK! I remember cringing on your behalf when you told me!
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:35, Reply)

hehe
Glad to find someone else with a love of Garver most people seem to love Ami. Not that I would kick him out of bed either ;)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:35, Reply)

Google Chris Garver
*Finds out he does tattoo's*

Discovers that the phrase 'I'd let him needle me anyday' is NOT a euphemism for sex
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:36, Reply)

Can't remember who it was
who said that the reason men don't have boobs is because if they did they'd never leave the house? Robin Williams maybe?

Anyone remember?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:36, Reply)

@ Lucy
It's a turgid tale, and I don't come out of it very well.

*edit*
@ Lusty

You did giggle muchly at my twattiness!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:36, Reply)

@wanderlust
It wouldn't have to be 100% factual. It'd also be awesome to have published a real book with pages and everything.

I've been thinking about getting my tongue pierced for a little while now. What do people reckon?
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:37, Reply)

TGB
Oh no, Ami sucks. He's far too arrogant. I love Garver, but would like to have little Darren in my pocket, I'd get him out to cheer me up.
Or Nunez. Cos he looks like a right dirty one.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

TWW
Ooo, that one's on the tip of my tongue!

I know Bill Hicks said the classic "Ladies, if men could suck their own dick, you'd all be alone in here tonight, watching an empty stage."

Edit: Captain V, I'm also thinking of getting my tongue pierced, I might do it at the start of my week off work to allow for maximum healing before having to talk to clients.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

Hey TWW
I have a feeling it was Robin Williams, yes...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

@Lusty
You could write the book under a pseudonym. We'd still know it was you, but that's OK.

And as for this Chris Garver bloke, how come women can tell when another woman is attractive, but we men find that difficult? Chris Garver to me is just some ordinary looking, balding bloke with tattoos!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:38, Reply)

Boss is Back
So I'll be off.

Take care all.

Wont be here tomorrow... Alton Towers FTW!!

See ya
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:39, Reply)

@ K2
I don't actually find it that difficult. I'm quite happy to admit if I find a bloke good looking.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:40, Reply)

@BK
It's not that I wouldn't admit it. It's just that I honestly can't see it!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:41, Reply)

K2K6
I can say whether or not I think a guy is attractive (not the same as being attracted to them), but I too cannot see the attraction in Garver *shrugs*.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:41, Reply)

K2k6
maybe it's the 'competition' aspect of male personalities?

If I describe a bloke as 'hot' or whatever, MrWitch is likely to answer 'poof'. If I describe a woman as 'beautiful' (cos I don't find women hot) he'll agree.

Odd creatures, men, really. But still, I keep one as a pet ....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:42, Reply)

Alton Towers?
Take me with you!
Last time I was there I had taken lots of pills, and it was all one big blur that ended up with me being sick in a decorative water feature :(
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:42, Reply)

@TWW
*chuckles*

You may have a point there. That's the sort of thing my dad comes out with!

Maybe it's just because I don't pay enough attention to how people look. And I have difficulty recognising faces, so that doesn't help.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:45, Reply)

*cries*
I've just been compared to K2k6's dad!

*sobs*

*wails*

*heads for Dundee to beat the crap out of the cheeky bugger*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:46, Reply)

Garver is an aquired taste
*dreams* I think it's because he is good with his hands.... ;)

I also have a thing for Trent Ford. And Santiago Cabrera.

*happily drifts off*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:48, Reply)

Tongue piercings
Apparently needs to be kept clean to prevent the build up of differential and integral equations in the mouth!
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:48, Reply)

OK, tale of woe
As it gave Lusty such a giggle:

When I lived back in Scotland, I'd been on a semi-date with an attractive young lady. Having had a bite to eat, we were moving onto another pub.

We passed a charity shop, and I stopped and pointed, and for some reason I shall never fathom, said,

"You'll never guess what I saw outside there this afternoon".
The young lady expressed curiosity, so I held forth.
"A Down's Syndrome lass waving a tin. Is that not the worst emotional blackmail ever?"
"Why's that?"
"Just designed to cynically pull the heart string isn't it? A spastic collecting for charity!"

She looked at me in disgust.
"That charity shop there?" she asked.
"Yeah, that one", I said.
"That was my sister".

In fairness, I could have apologised or taken it back, but I was in too deep.
"Well, my point still stands!"
One slap later, I went to the pub on my own.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:49, Reply)

No, TWW
Mr Witch has been compared to my dad.

Which isn't much better, I'll concede!

Edit@BK - I feel your pain. I've done similar, with a good mate of mine whose brother is disabled.

*cringes in sympathy*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:49, Reply)

BK!
That's amazing!
*grins*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:50, Reply)

Oh BK
That is some foot in mouth action there!

TGB - Yeah, good with his hands, and passionate as well. What a combination.

Cap'n V - It does need to be kept clean but it heals quickly and doesn't hurt too much! But eating will be a bit of a pain for a few days.
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:51, Reply)

BK
Classic. Open mouth, insert foot. Oh, the many times I've been there ...

I was once in the pub with two workmates, when a bloke who'd clearly been repeatedly hammered with the ugly stick walked in.

"Christ, he's an ugly fucker," I blurted, just as he walked up to said workmate and kissed her cheek.

"You haven't met my fiancee, have you?" were the words that made me want to sink into the floor.


Edit: K2k6, I'll let you off. Insult himself all you like. He's a big lad, he can fight his own battles.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:52, Reply)

@ BK
Jeez! I've said some stupid things in my time (i.e "Yes, I will turn up to a B3ta bash!"), but you've set the bar really high, there! Well done! :O)
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:52, Reply)

V when I got mine done
the guy recommended a mouthful of neat vodka after meals to kill off bacteria *glees*

Meant I had an excuse to drink and in all fairness it never went infected. *misses it a little*

BK that is a good'un. But fair play for not trying to backtrack!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:53, Reply)

BK
That is great! Well, not for yourself obviously, but that story should be immortalised in film.

Question is, who would play you, and who would play the girl?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:53, Reply)

Oh, BK, that's priceless!
And TWW, that is also pretty amazing!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:54, Reply)

Nice, BK
You smooth bastard - hee-hee.

Witchy - that's hilarious!
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:54, Reply)

I don't think I'll be getting it done for a while
My parents would go spare and given my current situation (mental health issues, living with them etc.) I think it's in my best interest not to piss them off.

Once I move out I'm sure I'll put a hole in my tongue and make the ones in my ears a wee bit bigger.
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:55, Reply)

I know a bloke
who should keep his mouth shut, as every time he opens it his foot finds its way in. I'll call him Gordon, for the usual reason.

One of his best moments was at a posh do in Edinburgh one night, at which a piper was playing in the guests as they entered.

The piper was not the world's most talented, by some margin, and so Gordon turned to the woman standing next to him and exclaimed, "That must be the worst bloody piper I've ever heard in my life. Do you know who he is?"

You're ahead of me here, aren't you?

"Yes", she replied, "He's my husband".
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:57, Reply)

Oooh, I have more
Again in the pub (common theme here, that) I was with a big gang of workmates.

A badly dressed female walked in ( short tight skirt, boob tube and white stilletos, even in the 80's, no excuses, love ) and wearing enough make up to coat the pub walls.

I managed to get my "Who's the slapper in the shag-me shoes?" question in before she walked up to my boss and was introduced as his wife.

Bye bye bonus, then ....
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:59, Reply)

I'm off for a while
Might catch you folks later
( Captain V, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:02, Reply)

Ooh how big are the holes in your ears now V?
I had one at 5mm and one at 11mm at the height of the stretching! More or less both back down to "normal" size now.

I am so boring these days :(
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:02, Reply)

bye Captain V
*hugs*

*waves*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:03, Reply)

I don't particularly like
Stretched-ear-bits.
They make me want to take scissors to 'em.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:04, Reply)

*covers ears*
I have brand new holes at 4mm in my ears. I'd like to stretch them up to 6 eventually, but I only got them 2 months ago.

I missed my piercings when I took them out, so I'm slowly reacquiring them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:07, Reply)

My friend Vicky
has quite big flesh tunnels.

I NEVER get tired of asking if I can stick my finger in her hole.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:07, Reply)

@lusty
What?! "Flesh tunnels"?!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Well
then I am glad I am boring then! I'd hate for you to cut my ears when I was asleep *scareds*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:08, Reply)

Well
I'm off the feed the munchkins, but here's a last 'oopsy' moment to keep you going.

Many moons ago, I was working in a pub. As opposed to drinking in a pub. I'd only just started, and when an old man shuffled up to the bar and slurred an order for a pint, I told him (gently and politely) that he'd had quite enough to drink for one night.

The other barmaid served him then told me he was recovering from a stroke. Not pissed, then? Oopsy.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:09, Reply)

@Kaol
i'm glad it's not just me that feels like that.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:09, Reply)

Bye bye TWW!
A classic tale to finish up on!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:10, Reply)

Haha, Lusty!
That is why I think you're brilliant! ;)

Also, folks - I'm getting quite good at this whole editing thing... I might offer my services to the God of QOTW. If I have the appropriate audio files, I could knock up a fairly decent podcast!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:10, Reply)

Damn
I've missed some good conversation here while I've been faffing around with my pooter.

When I say "good" I mean "stuff I would have been able to contribute to".

I made a t-shirt for my mate once who was reknowned for her foot in mouth disease. It was a Mr Man stylee "Little Miss Tactful", with foot appropriately inserted into mouth.

Her finest include: walking past someone collecting for Alzheimers on the way into a shop, and then when walking past again on her way out saying "oh I donated on the way in, don't you remember?"

And telling the "wife in a coma" joke to someone whose wife was actually in a coma... although that resulted in the two of them embarking upon a several-year-long relationship...
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:10, Reply)

I have a feeling
that if I were to ask a girl if I could stick my finger in her "flesh tunnel" I'd get a slap.

Unless I knew her well enough, of course. Then it would be worth asking.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:11, Reply)

@the stig
It's what it's called when you stretch out the holes in your ears after you've had them pierced.
( wanderlust, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:11, Reply)

@ lusty
Ahhhhhh! I was completely on the wrong tracks!
(The Stig, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:13, Reply)

K2K6
Especially if she didn't have stretched piercings ;)

Edit: bye LVP!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:14, Reply)

Right I'm off
I'm going to prepare a delicious Sausage Roast for the parents tonight in the hopes they will lend me some cash.
*smiles winningly*

See you later folks!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:14, Reply)

@ Fuzzy
For some reason I read that as 'wife in a korma'

Damn my eyes!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:14, Reply)

I was working in a store once
when a girl who looked like she should have been hanging around on street corners walked in.
I commented to my work colleague "Bloody hell look at the state of that. What was her mother thinking letting her out like that?"

I'll let you fill in the rest.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:15, Reply)

*does the scissor-motion with fingers*
I dunno why...
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:17, Reply)

Hello my lovelies Just here for a bit before I go to the pub.
My flesh tunnel is at 16mm at the momment but I want to get it to 20 before I stop stretching it.

It's the only peircing that I have mind you
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:17, Reply)

So, these flesh tunnels
How exactly does one go about stretching them? Is it done by hanging heavy weights, or by applying some sort of mechanical device which is tightened every so often, or just by continual sticking of fingers into holes?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:19, Reply)

I was awful
and stretched mine from standard to 11mm in just under two weeks. I think I was getting about a mm a day which doesn't sound much but I did rip it a few times.

I still have my really pretty plugs which is bad as I keep wanting to wear them!

Oh and hi dok :p

k2 you have tapered bars or hoops that you are slowly supposed to push through further.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:21, Reply)

My dear OTards,
The time has come for me to leave you.
I shall return upon the 'morrow.
*waves*
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:24, Reply)

Stretching
Nothing so barbaric or timely, you just use tapered stretching pins that go from your current size (in my case 4mm) up to 1mm higher. You 'butt' your new jewelery to the thicker end, slide the thinner end through your flesh tunnel until your new jewelery pops in.

You only stretch 1mm at a time, to avoid 'blow out' (basically doing irreparable damage), and leave it at least a month between stretching.

Edit: *waves goodbye to Kaol*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:25, Reply)

@K2k6
You stretch them by putting slightly larger peircings through the hole, and then letting it heal a bit, then rinse and repeat.

Miss Badger, that was a tad quick, it took me a year and a half to get upto 16mm.

I've got my 17mm one already, a nice coconut tunnel.

EDIT Hi Miss crenne. Bye Kaol, was it something I said?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:26, Reply)

I put my finger in Dok's hole!
*squeals*
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:28, Reply)

Hi Drixy
It could have been worse. I could have took the tunnel out and then let you do it!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:31, Reply)

Nooooooooooooooooooo!
*runs away*
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:33, Reply)

But it's OK Drixy
you can put your finger in my hole anytime you want.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:34, Reply)

I have very
stretchy ears so it was fine :p

I used to play with it all the time and I remember the first time I felt it rip *shudders*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:35, Reply)

Flesh tunnels
Is it right that you have to clean them religiously, as in 3/4 times a day, otherwise you end up with green slime coming out of them?

I'm not quite sure where I picked this up from but I wouldn't mind someone busting this myth for me if it's not true
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:38, Reply)

OK, thanks
I now have a clearer picture of flesh tunnel stretching.

I also feel a bit queasy now!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:41, Reply)

*shudders*
That just brought back a memory... I pierced my ear a couple of times when I was young and fearless, using a safety pin. I already had two holes so I was working my way up my ear. The first one I did without too many problems, but the second wouldn't go all the way through, and yes - it made that horrible gristly sound. I had to work at it for quite a while before it pierced right through the other side. :(
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:41, Reply)

Ripping
sound from ears is not good, neither is the sound of cartilidge breaking.

A bloke in my brothers work caught his 25mm tunnel on hes coat and ripped his lobe apart, lucky for him they had a vet nurse in looking at the animals so he sowed it up for him.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:42, Reply)

Monkey
Not quite, but if you don't clean them fairly often then they might get a bit manky.

I clean mine twice a day, most days, but there have been days where i've forgotten or been too drunk to care. So long as you regularly shower, there shouldn't be green gunk.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:43, Reply)

I cleaned mine a lot
you do get a lot of "ear cheese" from them.

I had mine in for about 2 years and I still used to clean them twice a day otherwise they did get a bit gunky.

Was more yellowy white than green though :s
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:44, Reply)

Dok
Thank you! How sweet.
( thealternativefact, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:44, Reply)

Right
I'm off to the pub.

Cya all tomorrow.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:45, Reply)

TMI!
I'm off home now. See you tomorrow.

*chunders*

Ah, that's better.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:45, Reply)

I may have to stretch mine up again
Damn you *points randomly* for making me think about this again!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:49, Reply)

Bye Doc & K2K6!
Do it TGB!

Do it!

Doooooooo iiiiiiiiiiit!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:52, Reply)

Lab you are evil.
But I will probably end up doing it :p And being impatient and probably ripping them again!

I need to see if I can find my plugs. I think one of my mate "borrowed2 the bigger ones when I was wasn't looking
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:57, Reply)

Right
I too am off now, taraa!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:57, Reply)

Do it, TGB!
I am on the verge of picking my new tattoo! Exciting times and all that!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:58, Reply)

Ahhhh, I see
Cheers for clearing that up folks.

I have a piercing gone wrong story I feel the need to share with you now.

The year was 1996, I was 16. I had ginger curtains. I liked Korn. I was a dyed in the wool metaler and proud of it (still am).

I'd managed to get tickets for the Donnington festie that year. I think it was the one that Kiss & Ozzy headlined. Either them or Metallica.

Anyway, my friends and I had had a few ciders on the coach on the way up and bravado instead that the day carried on like that.

Because of this, I decided to get the top of my ear pierced. This was a big step in our group. No one else had got any mods of any type up until then so I was the guinea pig.

I paid the exorbitant £15 to get it done and all was good. Didn't hurt too much, although the cider probably helped with that.

Thing was, literaly 10 minutes after I had it done, Biohazard were playing. I wasn't going to turn down seeing them and rushed to the pit. The band came on and the usual kicked off. Circle pits, moshing, the lot.

2 songs in, a crowd surfer came over, clad in DM boots. I was distracted in an effort to stay upright and a boot caught me in the ear I just had pierced. It hurt a bit but I didn't think anything of it.

The band finished and I regrouped with my friends who were giving me strange looks.

"Are you ok buddy?" one of them asked. I responded in the positive and asked why.

"You're, errmm, bleeding a bit there" he said, pointing at my ear.

I felt about. Something was missing. Something else was flapping.

Yes, my first piercing lasted a full sum of 20 minutes before being ripped out of my ear sideways by a DM boot.

I was not best pleased!
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 17:05, Reply)

*winces*
by biggest fear is getting one of the hoops in the top of my ear ripped out
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 17:09, Reply)

*ouches*
Don't, TGB.

The amount of times I've nearly taken my nipple off when the bar has got caught in a jumper doesn't bear thinking about!

EDIT: I'm clearly alone, so nighty night all!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 17:20, Reply)