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This is a question My sex misconceptions

Freddy Woo writes, "aged eight, a boy from my class told me everything these was to know about sex: male prostitutes are called destitutes and women use tampons to stop men sticking their willies up them. Also, women pee out their bums, something I didn't realise was wrong until I was about 18 and my first girlfriend looked at me aghast."

Share everything - Uncle B3ta wants to know.

zero points for conception/misconception jokes

(, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:54)
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Three's a crowd
My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea.

It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates, let’s call him Darren, had a girlfriend who was liberal to the point of having no inhibitions whatsoever. This suited Darren perfectly and he used to boast to me regularly about the latest perversion they’d tested in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the park… you get the idea).

I was midway through Uni at the time but Darren and I had been friends all the way through school, been in sports teams together and it’s fair to say we knew each other about as well as two guys can, or so I thought. His girlfriend Jenny was a couple of years older than us but we’d both known her at school too. She was a stunning girl and great fun but unashamedly also a sexual deviant.

The night of Darren’s birthday was when it happened. We were all a bit drunk and in no mood to stop when the music at the nightclub finished, so it was decided to go back to their house to continue the party. In the back of the cab, Jenny in the middle and Darren and me on either side, it became clear I was in for more than I’d bargained when she started groping me. A quick glance to the left revealed that Darren was already getting a hand job. He turned to me and said “Jenny’s always fancied a threes-up with you and me, how about it?”.

Well, what could I say? Nothing, as it happened. She winked at me, I smiled nervously in reply and she unbuttoned my flies with her free hand …

After an awkward payment to the blushing cabbie, we piled into their house and into the living room. I had no idea what to expect, it felt like losing my virginity again. She dabbled with the idea of just getting down to it right there, but Darren pointed out that the bedroom would be more comfortable. Our trio of bodies gradually made its way through the hallway and up the stairs, Jenny occasionally stopping to lick or fondle our various body parts. By the time we arrived at the bedroom, our clothes were all over the house.

I let Jenny dictate the pace when she wasn’t using her skills on Darren as I really didn’t know what I was doing; I’d had plenty of solo partners myself but this was my first ménage-a-trois so I didn’t want to overstep whatever boundaries remained. Nevertheless, trying to be passive and gentlemanly in such rare circumstances just doesn’t work.

Growing bored of switching attention back and forth between our respective cocks, Jenny commanded Darren to fuck her hard, and he happily obliged. While he was busily shagging her from behind, I decided to engage in a bit of ‘spit roasting’, then she insisted that we swap ends. It was certainly a weird feeling to be fucking my best mate’s girl while he was being fellated by her a couple of feet away, watching my every thrust intently. It was all a bit surreal and I didn’t think it would go any further, but Jenny wanted to try every conceivable position available to the three of us. She laid me on the bed, straddled me and invited Darren to fill her vacant rear entrance. It turns out that double penetration is much more difficult than porn movies would have you believe.

After an unenjoyable sojourn into shitty city, Darren decided it was time to watch me and Jenny for a bit while he “cleaned himself off”… yuck. I was still lying on the bed so Jenny assumed the classic ‘69’ position and began giving me a very fine blowjob while I got to work on her. Darren couldn’t stand just watching so after a few cursory wipes he decided to resume his previous position in Jenny’s wrong ‘un, which was fine for him. However, it placed me in the unenviable position of having to look directly up at his sweaty ballsack and arse. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on Jenny’s excellent technique rather than my best friend’s pendulous undercarriage slamming into her chocolate exit strategy.

With my eyes closed, I was finally starting to enjoy the experience myself. I could feel the pressure building as Jenny demonstrated her lack of a meaningful gag reflex and could tell she was enjoying my oral generosity too. She was really wet to the point of dripping into my mouth, so I lapped it up like a dog eating a melted ice cream. I’d never experienced anything like it before, but it was a real turn on to know she was getting so much pleasure, even if she did taste a bit different to most of the girls I’d been with before. After another minute or two she finished me off in her mouth. Feeling rather exhausted and self conscious again, I opened my eyes again only to find that Darren was already lying next to us. Confused, I looked up and noticed a trickle of light brown fluid running from Jenny’s fudge box, all the way down her lady-garden and stretching onto my own lips.

Unfortunately for me, while I had been lost in mutual oral pleasure with my eyes closed, Darren had quietly emptied a remarkable load of hot monkey custard into Jenny’s backside, and then he’d pulled out with predictable results. It wasn’t my tongue that had made her beef pocket so impressively moist after all. The worst part was that I’d swallowed most of the devil’s own cocktail in the mistaken belief that it was my prize for being so good at cunnilingus. I ended up blaming the ensuing bout of puking on the evening’s drinks.

So kids, my advice to you is: if you ever end up being asked to a threesome, for goodness’ sake, either get the boy/girl ratio right or ensure that gravity is on your side.

Apologies if the ending to this tale has left a nasty taste in your mouth too.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:28, 73 replies)
ARGH arrrrggghhhhhhh
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:35, closed)
That sounds utterly foul... clicky for sheer sympathy!


Am I the only one not utterly repulsed by this? I must have a far stronger stomach than I realised (well, psychologically, a karahi chicken curry still has me farting like a trooper the day after, much to the chagrin of my work colleagues).
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:36, closed)
Oh good lord
Have a click for that!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:38, closed)
Oh god.

*reluctant click*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:38, closed)
Argh! My eyes!
I was just about to make myself a coffee too, but all of a sudden I can't quite bring myself to peer at the residue at the bottom of my mug...

Have a click in sympathy sir.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:40, closed)
Ha ha!
'Coffee' + 'milk'... a grim combo
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:53, closed)
Beef Pocket
gets a click from me.

The dorty cow!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:42, closed)
This is the first story I've read that has nearly made me puke at my desk!

You, sir, deserve a click!

Pass the mindbleach
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:46, closed)
I thought it was going to be by Frank Spencer, and therefore of dubious truthiness, but it seems scarily believable.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:49, closed)
it's true. He's engaged to her now, they're due to get married next year and he wants me to be his best man.

It should make for a memorable speech, anyway.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:53, closed)
Well, you could say you know him inside and out...

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:57, closed)
Can't you wank in his top hat?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 18:48, closed)
Yes, yes,
more of this type of story posted at lunchtime.

I didn't want my sandwich anyway.

Have a click, and some sympathy for your tale.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 11:59, closed)
well I never
So did you give him a money shot as revenge?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:01, closed)
I was already spent
but to be honest, by that point whatever horn I'd had ended up flushed down the pan along with a gutful of spunkpoo
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:59, closed)
That story and ensuing comments have made me come out from a very long lurk to congratulate you on the best thing I have read in a while.

Well done.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:49, closed)
That must be
one of the most pukesome stories I've read in ages.

Have a click!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:02, closed)
Surely this weeks winner...
....although I think that I may skip lunch now. :-/
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:04, closed)
despite the fact
I knew what was gonna happen when you started the 69, it still made me sick a little when I read it.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:08, closed)
have a click
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:10, closed)
In the absence of a 'I feel sick because of this', I have had to click 'I like this' (even if I don't....)

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:13, closed)
This tale has just the right mixture of arousing detail and ghastliness. Wonderful.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:18, closed)
Oh dear god
I knew what was going to happen, and yet I carried on reading. The gruesomeness of it was too compelling for me to look away...

:( and more :(
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:27, closed)
that's me...
pushing my pasta up the table.

Have a *click* for the story, not for ingesting shitty spunk
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:29, closed)
Chocolate exit strategy!

Yet revolting. And yes, the boy/girl ratio is good when girls outnumber boys.

Have a click.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:37, closed)
i feel i should ibnvent a time machine to reverse this horror story.

that is horrible.

poo+cum... the thought makes my mouth cave in...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:37, closed)
I actually have teeth marks in my knuckles now, to keep from bursting out laughing at work!

*shudders with barely-contained giggles*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:40, closed)
That's a real shame...

*shakes head*

Far too vivid...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:42, closed)
And I thought
that you were such a nice boy!

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:43, closed)
I have my moments
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:48, closed)
Man alive!
Have a click! It's the least you deserve.....
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:45, closed)

Why can't I have friends like that?


before I get the mindbleach, is there ANY chance that two such foul discharges kind of 'cancelled themselves out' and actually tasted quite nice?


just asking.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 12:57, closed)
had I not seen the evidence slithering down her fanny
I probably wouldn't have even realised. I was a bit drunk too. I sobered up pretty bloody quickly though
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:05, closed)
Win! So much win!

*clicks so hard breaks finger*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:02, closed)
Oh my word!!!!

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:17, closed)
*goes green and clicks*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:23, closed)
In order...
Hmmmmm. Ooh!. Phwoarrr! Hmmmmm! EURGH!

Oh, and "click".
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:25, closed)
am I the only person a little bit turned on by this then?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:33, closed)
I doubt it
this is b3ta, after all.

btw: that story you posted a while back about the festival toilets and the bakewell tart... was it Glasto or T in the Park by any chance? I saw exactly the same thing at one of those festivals (back in 2004/2005 IIRC). A fitting garnish, I thought at the time
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:44, closed)
Ha ha!
It was Reading in about 2000 I think... might have been 2003...

Maybe there's a serial shit heap decorator with a never ending supply of Mr Kipling's finest?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:09, closed)
Oh. My. God.

At least I got the ratio right for my first 3some :)

*smug grin*

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:49, closed)
You practically felched and melched at the same time. Jesus Buddha.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 13:51, closed)
just makes me more convinced that I was right about this.

Lucky I wasn't hungry when I read this*

*it's a lie, I was hungry, but now I don't think I'll want to eat for a week.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:01, closed)
Lovely story
lovingly told. Shocking ending!!!

I must be a bad man - I can imagine the cabbie driving off to a dark alley and having a quick one off the wrist in the back of the cab before cleaning it all up...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:02, closed)
milky coffee
so did they ever know you'd swallowed their spunkpoo?

eeeeew :(
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:04, closed)
see a bit further down...
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 3:08, closed)
Interesting ending
I could see something bad was about to happen. I thought that it would be Darren's excited cock leaving Jenny's arse, and then being thrust deeply into the mouth that was licking Jenny's "beef pocket".
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:05, closed)

'It's only a story, it's only a story...'
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:07, closed)
Are you currently channelling the spirit of FrankSpencer in his absence?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:13, closed)
Oh come on.
As if it wasn't bad enough already.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:19, closed)
as they used to say in the Beano
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:24, closed)
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:26, closed)
From that angle
He'd most likely have been poked in the eye.

With a shitty cock.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:18, closed)
Hence the saying
"it's better than being poked in the eye with a shitty cock".
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:24, closed)
I was expecting that too!

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:00, closed)
well, my life is now ever so slightly more ruined by this mental image. Thanks, Chart Cat!
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:25, closed)
welcome :)
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 3:06, closed)
wins everything.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:25, closed)
did you ever talk to them about the cumpoo swallowing incident?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:50, closed)
Oh yes
it's a topic that regularly pops up in our pub conversations, much to my eternal chagrin.

A typical exchange:

D: "You massive homo, you've tasted my unborn children"
CC: "yeah, well I've shagged your wife-to-be too. It was your idea."

usually followed by a scowl, then a high five, or similar :)
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 2:57, closed)
That made me laugh!
and throw up a little in my mouth
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:01, closed)
Lordy, lordy
Top notch story.

(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:12, closed)
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 16:43, closed)
That is all.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 18:10, closed)
Thanks for ruining my breakfast
I bet you had a hard time being friends with them after that, eh?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 18:40, closed)
Not at all
We're still the best of friends. I'm even going to be best man at their wedding next year...
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 2:49, closed)
Q. What comes after 69?

A. Mouthwash
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 19:28, closed)
Oh Sweet Christ
that is vile.

I'll click if you promise never to post such filth again.

Sod it, have a click anyway - you deserve it, or something....
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 23:33, closed)
Free Listerine?
With a pack of Brillo pads?

(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 15:50, closed)
I'm going to have nightmares.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 7:09, closed)
Excellent tale, well told. Top marks.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:16, closed)
You kept that
pretty fucking quiet...

sweet jesus

*just to say, I think you're going to win as well
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:52, closed)

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