What is everyone hoping for, for Christmas.
I'm getting a hand held massager.

I know this because I had to buy it to give to my mum to wrap and give me for Christmas.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:26, 128 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've heard about those.
Isn't it usually written "hand held massager"?

I'd love for Santa to bring me a Wii but it's just not going to happen. The usual bits and bobs and a box of Ferrero Rocher will have to suffice.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:26, Reply)

I bet you have : )
It's definitely a massager and not a vibrator because if it was a vibrator then I would call it such.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:28, Reply)

Wow
It comes with a bead necklace too!
( djtrialprice, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:29, Reply)

I've seen ads for those warm shiatsu massager things.
Clever stuff. Who'd have thought they'd be able to keep little dogs in them?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:31, Reply)

"heard about" aka "have a massive collection of"

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Just the one, actually.
It's a bit loud.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Bite your pillow then.

( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:32, Reply)

^This

( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:30, Reply)

Simple stuff
I've started to get more into cooking over the last few months, but I am utterly lacking in equipment.

I've asked for a mortar & pestle, a wide bottomed wok, a braising pan, a good knife, and a hand blender.

Then in the new year I hope to buy a massive slow cooker, as the one I've got at the moment isn't the best, too small for some cracking recipes I've managed to get my hands on.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:30, Reply)

make sure you get a granite pestle and mortar
far superior to the other sorts
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:34, Reply)

wot no griddle pan?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:37, Reply)

Ooh, I'm gonna get one of those shiatsu massage cushions!
and some speakers for my puter/mp3 player.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Pffft damnit

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:32, Reply)

Is that a 'pah!' pfft?
Or a laughing 'pfft'?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:33, Reply)

See my post above.
Waste of a perfectly terrible punchline.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:36, Reply)

I appreciated it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:37, Reply)

Eff off the pair of yuz

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:39, Reply)

shove it down your bear tube

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Tried. Still hurts.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:41, Reply)

Money and aftershave.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:34, Reply)

I'm hoping for a blowjob
I'll probably get socks
( Peej, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:35, Reply)

decent griddle pan from parents
I know I'm getting a nice shirt and belt from the mrs, but there are a few surprises too. surprise things from my brothers as well, which is nice.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:36, Reply)

I really hope I get a
BIG TOBLERONE this year! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:37, Reply)

I do wish they were a more agreeable shape

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:38, Reply)

Worlds most dangerous chocolate!
FACT!
( Peej, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Are you just wildly
throwing yours around... it could take someones eye out you know!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:45, Reply)

There may have been some insertion

bump, bump, bump, snap, scream
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:47, Reply)

What a waste of perfectly good chocolate
Harumph
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:48, Reply)

I googled it once, theres loads of pages of people hurting themselves biting them the wrong way
HAHAHAHAHAH! losers!
( Peej, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:50, Reply)

People are strange

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:59, Reply)

When you're a stranger...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:00, Reply)

your faces certainly look ugly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:02, Reply)

you're on fire today
*pisses on Vipros to put it out*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:23, Reply)

awww fanks

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:32, Reply)

Hehe
I was hoping someone would carry on the song! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:04, Reply)

that's made me horny

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Nah
They're perfect for meeeee! The really big ones are the best, I think the bigger they are, the easier they are to eat... its the small ones that cause injury!!

(does that sound rude)?

I'M TALKING ABOUT TOBLERONES... NOT COCK!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:44, Reply)

Well that'd be a first.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:47, Reply)

:-P

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:58, Reply)

You have sex with toblerones?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:48, Reply)

Not sure I'd like a tobelerone shaped cock...
I think a fun sized king sized boost would be best
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:49, Reply)

I'm currently using the netbook Nana got me.
She wanted me to buy it before Christmas so that I didn't buy other people's presents with the money. I heart her.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:37, Reply)

A whole day with my little'un
Not bothered about anything else, to be honest.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:41, Reply)

no white christmas?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:43, Reply)

You disgust me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:46, Reply)

Sicko

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:47, Reply)

that's outrageous!
hang on...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:50, Reply)

sounds like a job for.....
THE MODGAZZER GENERAL!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:07, Reply)

*breathes in* *breathes out*
Jesus, the tube was bad today. Got held up at Kentish town and, well, nevermind.

Right then. Who needs banning now?
(The Modgazzer General defending justice and bothering the mods on, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:41, Reply)

THE WHOLE GODDAMN LOT OF EM

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:06, Reply)

leave it with me
I'll see what I can do
(The Modgazzer General defending justice and bothering the mods on, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:34, Reply)

that it ends
quickly
( djtrialprice, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:44, Reply)

DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:45, Reply)

It's simpletons like you
that make it all the worse for miserable bastards like me. Grrrr.
( djtrialprice, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:47, Reply)

COME ON!! ALL JOIN IN!!
Let's sing a song/play a retarded game/overeat/watch the pissing Snowman for the millionth time!!

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF FUN/COMMUNITY SPIRIT/BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH

It's Christmas! Cheer up! Oooh, you're SUCH a killjoy etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:56, Reply)

my family does it ok
eat delicious ham on toast for breakfast, open presents, have a nice meal, maybe watch something decent and not christmas related at all, play no games, sing no songs, fuck off home.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Mine are fine too
Generally the day descends into farce by about 6pm as my alcoholic brother is invariably slightly too pissed by then, and makes an arse of himself.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:03, Reply)

Are you my brother?
I only shat myself the once.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:23, Reply)

*guffaws*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:39, Reply)

Just do what I do,
ignore the bright colours and happiness and use it as an excuse to start drinking the moment you wake up.
(TheColonel, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:07, Reply)

Simpletons?
*cries*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:10, Reply)

It means people with a low IQ dear.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:12, Reply)

MINDPISS

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:13, Reply)

Aww
thanks darling, see you're always around when I need assistance.

*belms*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:17, Reply)

I'm a true internet hero.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:33, Reply)

You must be

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:36, Reply)

It's a word meaning 'thick people', dear *pats head*



*runs to the fucking hills*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:13, Reply)

Shut it buttmunch!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:17, Reply)

*munches butt*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:24, Reply)

I'll see what I can do

*goes and fucks about with the LHC*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:46, Reply)

The Fun Lovin' Criminals?
but why?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:14, Reply)

I'm getting a surprise from my parents

which is sweet,but will most likely end in disappointment, although I would always be absolutely grateful to their faces!

What I would like is a new car really, not sure I've been good enough this year!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:45, Reply)

you might be disappointed
they've told me what you are getting. it's bukkake
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:48, Reply)

The problem with bukkae is it's like buses

you wait for one to come...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:49, Reply)

^ post of the day so far

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:56, Reply)

thanks
I was pleased with it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:01, Reply)

I thank you
Great joke, the opportunity to use it doesn't come up nearly enough

EDIT: Not sure I undersatnd the reply structure
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:03, Reply)

Don't be grateful
Throw it back in their face and tell them just how disappointed you are. Then urinate all over the seat and around the bowl. They'll soon learn.
( djtrialprice, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:48, Reply)

My parents have given me ton every year since I was about 14
I can then buy what I like.
They also get me little stocking fillers and a cuddly toy for Christmas Eve. Every year I act surprised as a ted is thrown into my lap. I love it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:55, Reply)

Yeah, the brothel creepers and drape jackets never fail to entertain
Bit worries about the flicknife though - not good with kids around, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:58, Reply)

You know what!
I wondered who'd get onto that. I thought it a safer option than 'teddy'.
Mentalist.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:00, Reply)

I'm hoping that I dont have to spend too much time with my relatives
I know that makes me sound like a miserable shit-leg, but we dont give a monkeys about each other for the other 51 weeks of the year.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:48, Reply)

Brillinatly mine aren't talking so no crappy family meal for me!

Cousins and shit that is
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:51, Reply)

You lucky so-and-so
I really don't care about my aunties/uncles/cousins. They can all go suck a fuck.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:55, Reply)

I'm hoping my dad doesn't go off on a mad tangent
And buy me something based on a throwaway comment I made six months prior. Like he normally does. For some reason he's been on a kick of "it's a surprise" being more important than "it's something I want" for the past few years. He did suggest everyone was getting Amazon vouchers this year so fingers crossed.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:54, Reply)

sounds like my dad, the fucking cock

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 11:59, Reply)

why don't you get him a teaspoon for xmas?
and an eyepatch.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:05, Reply)

Am I the only one who thinks you sound like a whiney teenager who got the wrong playstation game for christmas?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:05, Reply)

Rather looks like you are the only one, doesn't it?
Actually, being an adult, there is no 'right' Playstation game for me.

I don't care for presents at all, and have stated all I'm interested in is seeing my daughter.

Not exactly petulant, that, is it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:18, Reply)

Well, you did call his dad a cock for not getting the right prezzy at the right time.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:30, Reply)

No I didn't
I called my own dad a cock. He is one, believe me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:44, Reply)

I want one of those little 4 inch saucepans for making sauces.
And maybe one of those magnettic block things that you can attach knives too, and the love of 3 good women at the same time, and one of those Actifry things.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:03, Reply)

you want THE MOON ON A STICK you do

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:03, Reply)

That's no moon
It's a fucking wheel of cheese
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:06, Reply)

That would be awesome
I fucking love cheese me
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:07, Reply)

Man, just think of the sauces I could make in one of those 4" pans !
I could make a thick 2-egg omlette, you could never make a thick 2-egg omlette in a regular sized pan.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:08, Reply)

That sounds awesome
and you could add bacon and cheese, but not mushroom because that's never as nice as you think it's going to be.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:13, Reply)

I also want the Tefal Toast & Egg
Or the Tits & Ass, as I like to call it because it's so fiiiine.
I've been wanting to buy it since August but keep buying other things instead.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:15, Reply)

You should get an Acti-Fry... its changed my life
*receives cheque from Tefal*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:21, Reply)

I'm not that bothered about frying
But perfectly timed toast and egg in one machine for people who Live Alone With a Cat is a dream come true.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:23, Reply)

Hehe
Good to know. You can always come around mine and we'll have a chip party anytime you fancy! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:35, Reply)

Mmmm chips...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:38, Reply)

Indeed!
I have lost a little bit of weight recently from cutting down on my chip intake... this basically means I can stuff my face more at Xmas and also get away with wearing a pretty but clingy dress this weekend! Huzah!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:42, Reply)

I'm piling it on
I'm gonna be a wobbly little Roota
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:26, Reply)

eggs poached by machine are shit
as are ones poached in those non-stick poacher things
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:35, Reply)

This I know
I will continue to poach eggs my way.
But for boiled eggs... oh mama!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:37, Reply)

OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY !
Are they good? I really want one, can you do things like deep-fried-mars-bars and stuff like that? Does it come with a little recipy book for tempora and chicken? Is it easy to clean? What are the chips like, could you make crisps?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:29, Reply)

Hahahaha
I really like it, the chips it makes are all fluffy inside and crispy on the outside. I've made spicy wedges with it too and they were wicked. There is a little book of things to make but I haven't tried any of their stuff yet, it does cook chicken! :D

Its really easy to clean, three pieces click out and then just click back in, so its nice and easy for my *ahem* simple mind to comprehend.

I'm not sure a deep-fried-mars-bar would work as there is only a tiny bit of fat used in the process... you could try it though! Hehe
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:34, Reply)

=D
I can't wait to get one, they sound awesome.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:41, Reply)

They are super cool!
Maybe they'll appear cheap in the January sales... I think they're still megabucks at the moment, we only got ours because of wedding casholah!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:43, Reply)

I need to get myself in on this marridge action, seems like a good deal to me.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:58, Reply)

Oh it really is
Lots of love, tons of money and free junk... its totally worth it! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:03, Reply)

I have a mate who is considering marrying me
Because he wants a Kenwood food processor and I want some fancy cutlery.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Do it
You might get a holiday out of it too! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:13, Reply)

"will marry for cutlery"

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Totally

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:26, Reply)

Magimix is the only food processor worth considering

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:33, Reply)

STOP NAYSAYING MY CHOICE OF APPLIANCE!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Having
younger brothers and sisters means that I generally ask parents not to bother with Christmas. Having to fork out for DS Lites and X-boxes and the like can be pretty expensive.

So though what I'd love/ need would be a new laptop or a parachute jump, what I'll probably get is some books and maybe some DVDs, which will still be quite nice
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:23, Reply)

I know I'll be getting money
and I hope it arrives soon, as I'm about to be late on my mortgage.

I'm pretty sure that my kids are getting me a Garmin GPS.

I'm hoping that, now that they all have cars, they'll go to the good chocolate store downtown and get me some good stuff rather than the Hershey's stuff.

And I'm hoping to find out today or tomorow if I've got a fucking job.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:24, Reply)

A griddle
beard, years membership to CAMRA and guitar lessons
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:24, Reply)

You can mock...
but I cooked chicken breasts on my griddle at the weekend and it was 17 diiferent kinds of awesome. Not as awesome as steak BUT NOTHING IS.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:32, Reply)

^ WARNING: HIGH FACT CONTENT

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:08, Reply)

I
was being silly, as all of the above seem to be pre-requisites for the male off-topic poster.

I'm more of a lurker nowadays anyway, fallen out of love with it a bit :(
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:09, Reply)

you're one of my favourite posters
MOAR POSTING PLEEZ
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:16, Reply)

I know you were joking
but I wanted to bore people about my griddle (it's kinda my thing)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 14:35, Reply)

I'm missing Christmas!
Its official. I shall be spending half of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on a plane, and alighting in Malaysia, which should be mostly Christmas free. By the time I get back it will all be over. Hooray!

I'm having to do penance before however by singing in numerous Carol concerts. Shudder....
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 13:21, Reply)

New Cowboy boots
and some lego. Can't wait.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 16:27, Reply)