My old dad's advice
which I guess is an extrapolation of Curveylittlegoth's below was,

Never stand when you can sit
Never sit when you can lie
and never lie with your eyes open when you can lie with them closed.

This tenet has never let me down yet.
( Ramsay Tupper, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:52, 1 reply)

I prefer the Deteriorata......
....from National Lampoon.
I have a copy of this on the wall of my cube at work. Whenever the managementspeak bullshit-o-meter goes haywire I reflect upon the gentle, yet telling words of this piece and my sense of calm, well-being, and healthy cynicism returns.
Enjoy!

Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss - and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you... That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan - and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP!
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:41, 2 replies)

for spimf
obviously you have to put his mobile up in a phone booth offering sex of all kinds. or stuff a package of opened adult nappies with his name on somewhere in the gents, or under his desk.
(cherrypie, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Best advice I was ever given
Was by a crazy old man who I used to work with when I loaded lorries as a part-time job.

He said "If you're already late, don't bother rushing."

He was so right, I'd rather turn up cool, calm and collected and a bit later, than be flustered, sweating and paniced.

I overslept this morning, which reminded me of this.
( Cawl, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 9:52, 139 replies)

Grandad tells it like it is!
Ok, so imagine the scene. A young Stewaddy is sitting around the table, grandparents are down to visit, it is lunchtime, about a month before Stewaddy embarks on his university years.

Granny is giving it the barry, trying to focus the mind of a Stewaddy who has nothing but beer, parties and girls in his sights "You are there to work, mind" she says "there'll be none of this staying out late or talking to girls" (!)

Granddad reaches over, gently puts his hand on hers and say "Ina, leave the lad alone. He is sensible enough. He will do his work, then once it is finished I will imagine he will pop out with his friends for a beer and a cannabis cigarette."

Cue chicken soup exploding out of my nose and mouth.
(Stewaddy-waddy, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 9:29, Reply)

Advice from Mr Ffffffffff.....
For anyone who has ever seen Barry Welsh, this Mr Ffffffff was an elderly character who offered advice to the young'uns in the name of entertainment. One sketch they did with him contained advice which has held true, and at the same time made me laff like a loon.

An elderly Mr Ffffffff is being wheeled down a hospital ward by a nurse and an elderly woman is being wheeled back the opposite way past him.
Mr Ffffffff in his dodgy voice nods to her "Hello."
The elderly woman answers "Good evening."
Mr Ffffffff turns to the camera; "I've always had a way with the ladies see......you know the secret to being good with the ladies?"
*dramatic pause*
"....got to touch them on the quim."

And that advice has got me through life no problem :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 7:01, Reply)

From my ancient Chinese grandfather
"Never kick strange boxes"

Wiser words were never said.
(schnuff, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 6:17, 1 reply)

the most recent advice I've received from an old person was
to stick the phone up my arse and if I ever hung up on him again he'd hunt me down and smash my head in, so beware.

(delivered by another workmate as I'd refused to speak to him again after I hung up on him)

Nice.

Especially as all I'd done was my job. Seriously. And I'm technically his boss, to some degree, as my name is on the door and his is not.

Also a lovely thing for a 55 year old man to scream at a 27 year old girl, no?

So now he has a written warning and has been told that if he ever loses his temper with another staff member again, he's gone for good.

Sucked in Fabio, you ugly, rude, smelly old git.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 3:42, 13 replies)

This Never Gets Old.
Most of you will have seen this before but it's worth repeating. 'Cos it's kind of cool.


Desiderata



Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 3:12, 2 replies)

Mobile Phones
.
Don't you love them? But here's some advice. Never leave your mobile phone unattended at a party.

Beaky.

Beaky's a mate of mine and has a large nose (which has absolutely nothing to do with the story) and we were at a mates house, a small house party, drinking and messing about. And then Beaky buggered off to the loo, leaving his mobile phone on full view on the table. So Steve, an evil bastard, picked it up and sent the following message to All Recipients:

"God I could do with a blow-job!!"

Beaky arrived back and his phone started to buzz. And buzz. Messages from his mum, his dad and various male friends. He was livid. And then another message came through. From his gran.

He just sat in the corner shaking his head muttering

"I'm dead, I'm dead"...

And then the last message buzzed through. From an ex-girlfriend.

"I'll be round in half an hour...."

So it didn't turn out too bad in the end.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 2:15, 1 reply)

Be a man
My father once said "Real men don't cry."

Perhaps there was more wisdom in this then intended, as I no longer waste my time with tears.

From this sentence, I've concluded:
What good comes of tears? None.
Pain will pass, get a grip. If it ain't a lost limb or an impailment it isn't as bad as it could be.
Love. If they break your heart they ain't worth it, infact, they did you a favour, your now free for the right girl or guy.
Sport. It's a game.
Family. Just because you share DNA, don't feel a need to impress them. If they don't approve, so what?
Death. Did you expect them to live forever? Why mourn some one? If you love them, be thankfull for every second you shared rather then wishing for more.
Money. Spend the time you'd waste crying working your way out, and thank the global lottery you grew up in a developed country.
TV/Films. It's a script, no matter how good, its still, just a flight of fancy.
World events. Yeah, that earthquake is awfull, but guess what? Your tears are alot less good to the situation then a bit of change.
Fear. If your going down, go down swinging. Stand tall and give 'em hell, fear shrinks away if you confront it.

Tears of joy, now that IS worth it. If somthings so good it makes you cry then it shows how easily over come despair is.

Appologies for length, but are they tears of joy or pain?

(Sorry for spelling or grammer problems, dyslexia and no spell check function is a piss poor combination)
(Mong goose, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 1:43, 4 replies)

Just before I go to bed
I found this quote from the late George Carlin I'd like to share as I'm very much in agreement with it.

"Sex without love has its place, and it’s pretty cool, but when you have it hand in hand with deep commitment and respect and caring, it’s nine thousand times better."
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 1:31, 1 reply)

Exits
An old girlfriend was having a family get-together at the grandmother's beach house. All of the women were in the living room drinking one night. Grandma was asleep in her room.

As is the case when women are by themselves the conversation turned to sex. The subject of anal came up and each gave their opinion and experience amidst giggling and laughter.

Suddenly Grandma's voice called out from the bedroom: "It's an exit, not an entrance!"
(Nobody1, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 23:59, Reply)

Great Grannie was ace
Her advice was:

Every chance you get to sit rather than stand take it,
And likewise with lying down
Wahey!!
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 23:32, Reply)

When I first saw the brilliance of databases,
I said to my father "You can never have too many databases." He then replied with some sage advice: "You can have one to many."
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 23:09, 2 replies)

It's so obvious
My Nanna insisted that she new a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Obviously I thought this couldn't be right.

Years after her death, in my early thirties it dawned on me that the real foot was on the OTHER leg.

I have an I.Q. of 159 and still I'm thick as fuck!
(monkeys in underpants, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 23:05, 1 reply)

can we start a petition thingy please
simply *click* if you think the B3ta overlords should come good and give me the icon i paid (a bloody tenner)for 3 feckin days ago

mm?

MMM?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 22:51, 11 replies)

My (sort-of ex) girlfriend
Was given this advise by extended family:

"Cook for your husband."

And from her Dad?

"Never marry a black man. Or a Jew."

Sexism and racism rolled into one. Gotta love those Armenians.
( Matoosh would rather like a biscuit, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:44, 1 reply)

in the warped old bats eye....
it was raining... a dull saturday afternoon... i was having tea with my nan at home... it was silent ... i was 17 .... i sipped my tea... she told me i was dog ugly.... im actually not (im not!!!) but what i would like to think she was saying is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....
(neddy-nuni-juice, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:19, 2 replies)

guy at work
I'm working on a building site at the moment and this painter and decorator WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP!

So far, he's told me:

How to get to Redcar by B roads
How to claim on insurance if a stray cat gets your glasses
What to see in New Zealand
Where to buy the best paint
How to do my job
How to use caulk
Not to leave fingerprints anywhere

HE IS A FUCKING BORE AND I WISH THE OLD BASTARD WOULD RETIRE FULLY. the cunt.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:12, 3 replies)

"If you act crazy enough, people will leave you alone."
It's been working well enough for my great-uncle.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:11, Reply)

My naan once told me...
"use me to scoop up your curry"


So sorry...
(chase, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:54, 1 reply)

My dear old nan always said
"If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say..."
*silence*
Go easy; noob.
Length? "...."
(woodkat loves comic sans, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:51, Reply)

advice please
i'm leaving my job soon and leaving blighty for sunnier climes

one guy is a RIGHT CUNT and has been awful to work with

i want revenge - ive thought of just twatting him but Mrs Spimf would be angry with me.

i dont want to do anything silly with prawns or whatnot - they'll guess it was me and anyway its not fair on the others in the office

how can i 'get' the weasley wee prat?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:38, 18 replies)

My dad....
Once told me when ever someone said to work 100% or above to ignore them and work 80.

Confused, as this was coming from a father who worked hard and earned enough to live quite comfortably, I asked him why.

Because, he said, the people who work that hard will be great workers for a short while until they burn themselves out. Whereas if you work at 80% you will constantly be a good worker and be able to go on giving for much longer.

Great advice that really makes sense, although non-applicable to us as dad is a workaholic and I'm a lazy sod...
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 20:14, 2 replies)

Fifty years ago,
I was seven. My father rarely had much to say about anything. But one weekend morning, he had work to do and took over my bedroom with a four-foot long ledger and a 50-pound Freiden calculator.

I stared at the sight from the hallway, when he said just about the only thing he ever said to me: "Someday you'll be working too, and you'll find out that they'll only pay you enough to clothe and feed yourself and get back to work the next day."
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 19:50, 1 reply)

From my own experience
- Don't get drunk in a bar and bear hug three Jamaican bouncers.

- Don't get drunk and try to fry oven chips in rum and curry power.

- Don't get drunk and use a saw to cut a melon in half.

- Don't get drunk and throw bricks at the garden.

- Don't get drunk and try to smoke tampons.

- Don't get drunk and walk into a KFC in Sheffield and order in Spanish. They don't like it.

- Don't get drunk and try to go swimming fully clothed.

- Don't get drunk and cycle.
- Subpart - don't get drunk and try to cycle whilst swigging from a bottle of pimms.

- Don't get drunk with a Russian guy who wants to buy crack, and ends up buying persil washing powder from a highly dodgy fellow.

- Don't get drunk in South America and do anything that could be construed as 'annoying' to shotgun toting policemen.

- Don't get drunk and try to make a white russian with double cream, a bottle of vodka that cost £3, coffee grounds, and sugar.

- Don't get drunk and try to fry a frozen rabbit.

- Don't get drunk and forget which house you now live in... revisiting your old house at 4am in the morning and attempting to gain entry with the wrong key may perturb the new occupants.

- Don't get drunk and try to make rose wine with red wine and vodka.

- Don't get drunk and think that tea topped up with red wine is a good idea.

- Don't plan on getting drunk using an open bottle of white wine that has been sitting on your windowsill for 3 weeks. It'll taste like vinegar and may cause you to hallucinate slightly.

- Don't get drunk and play cricket in the street at 4am in December with balls of uncooked pastry. It sticks and then freezes.

- Don't get drunk with your friends, go for a late night takeaway, and then on the walk home participate in the attempted kidnapping of a cat your friend has befriended in the street, using chips and curry sauce as bait. Furthermore, don't forget to clean up deep slashing cat wounds to forearms.

EDIT: - don't get drunk with a polish guy, then as a bet (to prove ones manhood... grraah!) take off one of your socks, chop it up, put it into a glass of milk and try to drink this new exciting socktail.

EDIT EDIT: Dont get really drunk, meet some friends in a pub, then stupidly run into the girl you love who turned you down three weeks ago.

I now drink a lot less.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 19:13, 326 replies)

My Dad told me once
That his friend took Carol Vorderman up the arse.

Edit (because i'm an idiot who actually forgot to put the advice in)

His advice was to set my standards higher than Carol Vorderman
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 18:53, 3 replies)

Don't Blink!
Blink and you're dead!

Good Luck.

A man said that to me. He was pretty old. 900 or so years.

Had no idea what he was on about but I listened to him anyhow, he was very convincing.
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 18:17, 3 replies)