Fuckwits trying to be clever.
"The World's Most Smartest Model"

WTF? WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE PEOPLE ON THEIR LEVEL OF IGNORANCE? IGNORANT FECKERS!

*Turns off cruise control*
(Harleif Skankhammer II was killing time at, Fri 2 May 2008, 5:24, 1 reply)

moron shop assistants
who hand you your change on top of the notes and receipt, leaving you to scrunch the lot in your hand to avoid dropping the coins. How f*&Ken hard is it to give you the coins THEN the notes and receipt.
(Handel blah blah blah, Fri 2 May 2008, 4:38, 4 replies)

Americans
.
Not all of them, just the ones that think they won the Second World War by themselves.

Listen. You were late. Very fucking late. In fact, Churchill was ringing the bell for last orders before you decided to put in an appearance.


And the only thing you charged in the First World War was interest on the money you loaned us.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 May 2008, 4:18, 7 replies)

Poo
.
Sitting on the bog, enjoying a nice dump, then I realise there's no bog paper.

I hate that. I *really* fucking hate that.

So then it's the undignified shuffle through the flat to get to the cupboard the bog paper is in. You all know what I mean. Trousers round the ankles, legs apart to stop the shit smearing your bum-cheeks, desperately hoping that no ones looking through your window.

And, just to make it more fun, you have to fend off the bloody cat who thinks your dangly bits are just waay too tempting.

*shuffle-shuffle" meiow

"GERROFF YOU FUCKING PSYCHO SPAWN OF SATAN"


And then, when you take your prize back to the bog, you just never be sure you're really clean so you have to have a shower.


And admit it. You've *all* done it.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 May 2008, 4:14, 7 replies)

I was inspired by this QOTW...
to name my new hamster 'Peeves'.

Is it worth getting another one and calling it Mortimer?

S
( simbosan Hello you cunt, Fri 2 May 2008, 3:49, Reply)

This might take a while
I am going to list the irritating things that irritate me like getting an itchy scrote in a packed bus.

-Middle-aged men/women driving a BMW/Mercedes/Audi/Porsche Cayenne. There is a thing under your steering wheel, to the left. It is your indicator. If you pull it back, it sometimes flashes the headlights. If you do not indicate, whilst on your mobile phone, and attempt to intersect me and my car's place in the space-time continuum, you will find out how disagreeable having the second option in your rear-view mirror is.

- Customers. I don't know why, but people expect the world of me. I am a shelf stacker, i could tell you which wine would compliment your cheese, but understand this... i am a shelf stacker. And it wouldn't matter what i recommend anyway, you'll still buy some Californian shite anyway.

- People who cannot spell. This is basic human right, and people who cannot spell and will not accept my Grammar Nazi status when correcting them, should be burned at the stake.

- Social gym-goers. The gym is for working out, toning one's physique (or tits, in my case) and getting-the-fuck-out after an hours sweat. There is no conversation. I'm wearing headphones. I do not want to converse with you. Get it through your testosterone bloated head.

- Being expected to tip the pizza delivery guy. I am just a skint as you are, and no matter how much you 'hum' and 'haw' on my doorstep, i will not tip you. You simply drove my pizza to me. I am grateful - now fuck off.

- Supporters of the Tories/Libdems/SNP/BNP/Labour/Green parties. It's not that i abstain from political discussion, i just don't care for your regurgitated post-Guardian opinions on the political climate in Tibet. Honest to God, i have more interesting things to do. Like have a wank, or stare into space.

- People who think liking more than one brand of whisky/vodka/gin/rum is pretentious. Tell me, would you argue that Coke is the same as Pepsi?

- People who overuse or misuse 'plethora', 'myriad', 'irregardless', 'verbatim', 'curmudgeonly', and the word 'banter'.

- People who say the 'banter' was good last night. It wasn't. The craic was ace, the 'banter' is A FUCKING SHITEY OVERUSED WORD BY CHAVS.

- Techno Techno Techno Techno Techno music.

- Students. I am one, i will be one again. But i will never EVER wear a keffiyeh as a fashion accessory, think that not washing clothes for weeks is 'cool', dig the latest 'The' band because they're playing the Union this week, drink poor quality vodka because i'm too skint to afford the good stuff, think that going to classes is a chore, discuss Nietzsche as if i could revolutionise the country with his philosophical stance, admire Che Guevara as an revolutionary, or ever think it is ok to declare people as subhuman because 'mummy and daddy couldn't afford to get them a place in Oxbridge'.

- The foil that covers toothpaste. Why must i use a knife to remove this?

- Bartenders who insist on putting melted ice into my daiquiri. No, stop it. It is wrong, and i am telling you how i want my drink. You are doing it wrong. I will pay the difference, i do not mind. You are still doing it wrong. STOP BLASPHEMING A CLASSIC DRINK YOU UTTER COCKTARDED FOOL!

- The American attitude to Ancestry; you are 7th Generation Scots-Irish you say? Roots in County Meath/West Ayrshire? Y'don't say! Wow, jeepers... that's amazing. Did you know that your real special to have those roots because HALF OF AMERICA IS MADE UP OF THE SAME FUCKING ANCESTRY? I DON'T CARE AT ALL. I CAME TO THIS BAR TO GET A PINT OF YOUR SHITTY EXCUSE FOR GUINNESS, NOT TO TALK BOLLOCKS ABOUT SOME ANCESTRY THAT IS NOW SO DILUTED YOU LOOK LIKE A BEIGED UP VERSION OF A KOREAN.

- People who insist on placing capos on the 8th or 9th fret of the guitar to make it sound like some sort of autistic ukulele. No. Stop it.

- People who shred in guitar shops on the latest piece of wanktastic guitar metal because they can. I'm just here for some picks, stop thrusting your crotch and that Ibanez whatever in my face. I just need some picks to play my acoustic guitar with. Stop it, right now.

- Folk who park awkwardly in car parks.

That's all for now, part two will appear later.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 2 May 2008, 3:35, 11 replies)

Credit where it is due.
It really grinds my gears when for example someone gets in a car wreck, they are completely fucked up, head hanging off, blood pissing everywhere. The fire brigade spend an hour cutting them out while stood in a pool of petrol that could go up any second, and the ambulance crew keep this person alive by whatever magic they perform, again in the same environment. At the hospital a team of dedicated and overworked heroes put all their energy into saving this one life. After hours of groundbreaking surgery and months of painstaking therapy the patient once again has a semblance of a normal life. Who do they thank for this?

They thank God/Jesus.

Throw them back in the fucking flames.
(Prof. Moriarty put his foot in it on, Fri 2 May 2008, 3:16, 5 replies)

Off your chest?
With summer approaching in the Northern hemisphere my favourite peeve will soon be upon you. Chicks wearing Tees with indecipherable words across their chests. You stare, trying to figure out what it says and then glance at their faces which are usually giving you a filthy look as if to say "what the fuck are you looking at you pervert?"
If you don't want me to stare at your chest don't wear a Tee with obscure writing on it. Easy.

The same with chicks who wear plunging necklines or tiny shorts, if you don't want me to look don't wear something that my eyes are naturally attracted to. And no it's not something I can train my brain not to do nor would I want to.

I share a house with a couple of women and we got into the old argument about 'seat up, seat down'. What difference does it make? Takes as much effort either way. At least I lift the seat and afterwards wash my hands.

At the pub with the boys. One goes to take a pee before heading home, he comes back and shakes your hand - it's damp and you know he hasn't washed his hands. Mingin Bastard.

Your mate's a bit short of cash and he needs a loan 'till tomorrow. Two weeks later he still hasn't paid it back so you got to ask him for it. "I forgot" says he but how can you forget you borrowed a couple hundred bucks from someone? - regularly?

Orange coloured people who swear it's a natural tan when obviously it's not. The same for people (chicks) with orange legs but white faces and arms.

But my biggest peeve is the number of single women I meet who have very large MALE dogs. It is readily apparent that these dogs are not used for protection but used for some form of sexual gratification. Next time you see some poor woman being pulled along by some huge dog stop and make some idle chit-chat, then ask her how the dog performs. After a few seconds you'll notice a slight reddening of her cheeks and the reply "I don't know what you mean", give her a wink and saunter off.
Have a look round over the next few days and tell me I'm not right.
(Jimmyinnz was sprung at work on b3ta on, Fri 2 May 2008, 3:10, 5 replies)

Human behavior
This needs a bit of explanation.
I work in a pub by a train station so i see a lot of different people from everywhere.
Well the east Asians cleans everything even after ive cleaned the table.
The northerners give you a dirty look if you don't have the beer they want in stock.
The southerners treat you as if you don't understand the alphabet.
The Aussi's go to put there glasses on the bar and then change there minds halfway through and stick them some random table further from the bar but closer to the door.
Finally The underages are a load of moaning babies who look close to tears when you simply refuse to serve them alcohol without ID.
Worst of all though is the locals who do all of these things just to wind me up when i moan about it.
Gits.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 2 May 2008, 2:52, Reply)

People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.
And the Dutch.
( Maladicta, Fri 2 May 2008, 2:47, 4 replies)

I work at an Indian restaurant most nights
So my pet peeve....BAD CUSTOMERS

People who think it's funny to order in an Indian accent and take the piss. It's not funny, you look like a twat and do you really think it's a good idea to antagonise the people who are about to prepare your food?

People who come in and say "Um, I'll get the one I had last time...It was orange". That's wonderful sir, we serve 20 different curries and 15 of them could be described as orange. I'm happy to reccommend dishes but I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you want. You do.

People who say "Will I be able to handle the spicyness?". See above. I'm not a mindreader, I don't know your palate. I take my curry really hot, so saying "Oh, however you take it" is not going to produce the results you want. All you have to say is mild, medium or hot. Nothing complicated about it.


ALSO, people who order a dish and upon seeing it, decide they don't want it and shouldn't have to pay for it. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT. If you ask for a hot chicken vindaloo, I will give you a hot chicken vindaloo and you can bloody well pay for a hot chicken vindaloo. It's not my fault that you don't know your tastes well enough. It's not my fault that you order it too hot for your own good, or suddenly remember you're vegetarian, and I'm certainly not going to give you a discount for being so fucking dumb.

ALLERGIES: People with severe allergies, I understand that it's be hard to eat out. That's fine by me. Tell me about it and I'll help you out, I'll get a dish made without coriander, or cream or whatever. I don't have a problem with that. But do not get angry at me if you only tell me about your nut allergy as I'm putting your korma onto the table. Kormas are made with almonds, and if you had actually read the menu you would know that. No, I can't just 'get rid of all the nuts in it', I can't unmake it. It doesn't work like that, and if you're gonna choke from eating those nuts, don't bloody well order them.

As someone said before, people who ask for unnecessary things, i.e fresh orange juice. What do you think, that we serve 2 types of orange juice? One that's mouldy and gross and one that's fresh?

Brits who think they're better qualified on curry than Indians. Mainly I love the brits, but saying "oi, I'm from England I know that tikka masala doesn't have coriander in it!!" just makes you look like a twat. Tikka masala does have coriander in it, and newsflash, curry did not originate in Britain. Don't argue with the experts.

Sleazy old men. I'm 16, young enough to be your granddaughter, keep your hands off me. Do you honestly think that a fat, drunk, sweaty, leering old man is going to turn me on? Do you actually think that by grabbing my arse and winking at me, that you'll get a date? Your wife is sitting there looking ashamed of you, and the rest of the restaurant thinks you look like a lecherous old cunt. Stick to your own age.



On the other hand, if you are polite to me, you don't act like an arrogant twat and you treat me with respect, I will go out of my way to make your meal a good one. Drinks will disappear from your bill, we'll give you extra naan bread for no charge, you'll be served in record time. It's not hard to be decent and the rewards will be noticeable. Good customers, you really are appreciated!
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Fri 2 May 2008, 2:22, 4 replies)

...people?
Stupid people, ignorant people, misogynists, old people, children, babies, toddlers, their parents; people who like children, babies or toddlers; people who get offended by people who don't like children, babies or toddlers; slow people, enthusiastic people, proprietors of NewsCorp, people who aren't as bright as they think they are, people in Tesco, people who ask stupid questions, people who think one sentence constitutes a paragraph, people who don't question anything, Daily Mail columnists, politicians and their supporters, anyone with a 'HELP FIND MADDY' poster in their window, people who don't read and think it's something to be proud of, people who can't cook, ditto; anyone who calls themselves mad, random or weird, particularly if they add '...but that's just me I guess!!! LOL'; pro-lifers, non-smokers, Malibu drinkers, people who chew with their mouths open, people who use the word 'cut' as an intransitive verb, anyone who ever thought charging young people for a damn education was a clever idea, people who blame parents or ex-partners for what wankers they are now, Brian McNair, hairdressers, and the TV licence people, who don't seem to have grasped the idea that I doesn't have a poxy TV.


I'm easily annoyed.
(Shinigami, Fri 2 May 2008, 2:18, 4 replies)

I have taken the literal sense of 'pet peeves'
from the minute our new dog arrived, she was a royal pain in the arse. she had just got in the front door when she glimpsed the handful of fluff that was our 8 week old kitten and fled in panic into the night before we had time to say 'shut the door'. we spent 4 hours of a moonless night calling out for a black dog with no name. 5 days later, she was located and dragged as gently as possible back up the garden path, trembling, with a look of fear on her face that made us feel guilty for wanting to keep and love her.

her tendency to bolt at the drop of a hat, the turn of a newspaper page, the reach for a remote control etc made walks problematic. having let her off the lead at a safe distance of several miles from any roads, i whirled round in panic when, having been distracted by blinking, i couldn't see her. with my heart thumping in my ears, i eventually discovered she was perpetually behind me having apparently confused herself with my shadow. the first attempt at fetch was an unmitigated disaster as the sudden movement and violent force terrified the repulsive smelling, unnaturally coloured crap out of her, with a consistency that made me long for the days when we were allowed to let our dogs crap anywhere without having to dispose of it responsibly.

any ideas we had of her being some kind of guard dog disappeared when we found she didn't know how to bark. it took weeks of tug of war with a rubber ring, me leading by example, on all fours, gripping half the ring with my teeth while making growling and barking noises before the penny dropped and she picked up the other half and made similar sounds herself. proud of her newly acquired skills, she then demonstrated them at various points of the middle of the night as i had forgotten to teach her any specific reasons for doing it. i was never able to get through to her that needing to shit was a good one.

the cat, though ridiculously stupid in his own way, knew he was boss from the start and took to baiting her like a catholic priest to young boys, lurking behind banisters, waiting for her to walk by, then swiping his paw at her, and chasing after her as she fled in abject terror. she couldn't really be blamed for fleeing even when all he wanted to do was rub affectionately against her legs. he had to wait for her to fall asleep before he could curl up next to her at bedtime.

she nearly killed me several times on the stairs with her panic induced inability to differentiate between getting the hell out of my way and being exactly in the fucking way.

it was no surprise when her health started to fail. clearly it was impossible for all that nervous energy to be sustained for long. but her loss of sight and then hearing actually calmed her down as she had considerably less to worry about. we could now get within one step of her haunt on the landing before she heard us, jumping 2 feet in the air from shock.

though never that keen on walks, going outside and other general dog type stuff, soon she couldn't get beyond the house 2 doors down before emptying the more grotesque than usual content of her bowels outside their front gate then pulling back homewards. we made an appointment at the vet. the night before her appointment, as we locked up the house and turned out the lights, we couldn't find her. completely uncharacteristically, she had gone down the bottom of the garden. it was a cold night so we carried her back in.

but most peeving of all, it wasn't until i found her stiff, lifeless body in the living room the next morning that i realised exactly how much i loved her.

3 months on, the cat remains inconsolable.

the other thing that really gets on my nerves is apologies for length. but thanks if you made it this far.
(threadkiller, Fri 2 May 2008, 2:14, 3 replies)

adverts
that make up stupid words. fuck you, hubba bubba, there's no such word as funbeleivabubble!

barney.
that stupid, dopey voice, that irritating song, that sickly sweet attitude. i hate that irritating purple cunt!

unnecessary punctuation

pub signs that proclaim "we sell jacket potatoe's"
what? they sell something that belongs to a jacket potato? what is it?
god, that feels good.
(LIMES, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:49, 4 replies)

lack of basic conversational skills
In reverse order of Peevity:

4) Speak English, please. I'm not suggesting you talk like a BBC newsreader, but there's a reason why that one person can be understood by everyone from Inverness to Exeter.

3) Smalltalk: it's easy, and when I do it I know it's sometimes bollocks. The correct response is to engage the other person in smalltalk, even if your smalltalk goes off at a tangent to their smalltalk, into a different kind of bollocks. Smalltalk is like booze: social lubrication, so just dive in there.

2) Volume: you need to speak loudly enough for the other person to hear you, allowing for accents etc. My hearing is just fine for my age, I've had it tested: the problem is that some people speak at a level below the background noise - it might be 60dbA, and you're talking at 40dbA. That might work when it's just your family and friends, who are tuned in to your accent, but it's a problem when meeting new people.
On the other hand: sometimes a room's acoustics reflect sound oddly, so that a loud conversation sounds louder 20yds away. You can't fix the room, so modulate your voice if you hear it bouncing off the walls. (Sometimes a stage whisper helps in those cases.)

1) Listening skill, lack of, is my biggest conversational peeve:
- Listen! Don't pre-judge what the other person has to say.
- Show that you're listening: give feedback! (You know: "hmm?", "Ha!", "that's weeeeird..." and so on.
- if you can't hear, SAY SO, and, QUICKLY! Don't wait until several paragraphs of speech have passed before...
- shouting "HUH?" or "WHAT?" is not a polite way of expressing your inability to hear. Try giving more detail about the problem, such as "can you speak a bit louder?" or "more slowly?". The other person probably doesn't know why YOU can't hear them - give them some credit for trying, and help them fix the problem.
- If it's too loud for a sensible conversation: MOVE to somewhere quieter, or WAIT till later. Smalltalk is not smalltalk if you have to shout each sentence three times. I SAID! SMALLTALK IS NOT SMALLTALK IF YOU... OH, BUGGER IT.

Weird case: I knew a guy who would shout "HUH?" at me if he didn't immediately get the first words I was saying... so I learned to wait for a few seconds for his brain to catch up with his mouth. If that's you... I hate you already. For the rest of you, well, conversation skills are something you can work on and get better at.
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:40, 4 replies)

aRRRRGGGG!!!
aCCIDENTALLY PUTTING CAPS LOCKS ON.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:23, 8 replies)

Right this fucking moment...
Pretty much everything is pissing me off big style.
I'm prefuckingmenstrual. I found a lump in my breast a couple of weeks ago - going for a mamogram/biopsy et al on Tuesday. I'm trying to be upbeat about the whole thing for the sake of those nearest and dearest to me; to be honest it's starting to freak me out a bit now.
I had stopped the ciggies but I'm sure as hell gonna have one now. See if I care.

Sorry about the inappropriatness of that. Just needed to *get it off my chest* if you''l pardon the pun.

Promise to resume normal filth in t'mornin.

xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:22, 17 replies)

*snarl* much anger I sense in me...
I apologise in advance for ranting as I am a lady and ladies' hormones do affect them in certain ways. But then I guess this is the point of the question, so I suppose I'm not sorry.

- First and foremost, and most obviously, stalkers: at the moment Stalker Girl from the Stalked QOTW is making my life exceptionally awkward by having suddenly decided to start acknowledging my existence again and no amount of ignoring will stop it, to the point where as much as I try to block her out I still get "Hiiiiiii!" followed by her life story whether I want it or not, usually full of how wonderful her "boyfwiend" is and how happy she is. Does wanting to say "die in a fire" to her make me a bad person? Also judging by the last time I told someone I hoped they died it happened.

- Secondly, text speak and email speak - anyone over the age of 13 who still uses any of the following: u, 2, 4, dat, dem, dis, da, ur, or otherwise type as though they have trouble dressing themselves, should be culled, or rigged up to an electric shock keyboard to program it out of them before they are allowed on the internets.

- In conjunction with this, people who ignore my MSN statuses when I say I am away from my lappy or I am busy, I might actually be either away from my lappy or busy with something, and if so, do not bother me with your inanities, particularly if you can't string a sentence together without netspeak.

- Passive-aggressive guilt trips - again, Stalker Girl used to be a master at this; any time she found out I was going to the pub with anyone other than her "well think of me, alone and upset and surrounded by sharp objects..." would land in my inbox.

- Drama of all kinds - you know, people who incessantly enjoy stirring everything up either for their own amusement or because they have issues with someone - if that's the case, talk to them, don't put some kind of mad overdramatic jihad on them. Emo MSN screen names included. Mine doesn't count, it's in Latin and no one but me knows what it means.

- Online "fandoms" - I guess I ask for a lot of this by having a LiveJournal, so it's inevitable that once in a while I'm going to come across someone who believes that two random Harry Potter characters are secretly in love and write endless stories about their secret sexy time. Case in point: Stalker Girl's epic fanfiction, featuring herself made sexy at the centre of a ridiculously over-the-top underage rapefest, and ultimately being impregnated by her own father. Hellooooo, daddy issues. The fact that if it exists, you can find pr0n of it on the internet has scarred me for life several times (Top Gear slash? Why? In the name of all that is holy, why?)

- Clipboard people in the street - Canterbury is very prone to these, unfortunately, and so far the most useful method I've found is either to use the very small amount of totally nonsensical Welsh I know how to say, or else to turn the iPod up as loud as it goes for a short period of time and just blindly ignore them. I came unstuck like this in Pervland when on pretending to speak no Italian the guy rumbled me and spoke to me in English-for-retards and wouldn't let me go till he'd gone through all his sales talk, finishing with "do you understand?" and then me telling him that while it's terrible that there are little babies with teh AIDS, I am a poor student who is scraping by in Italy (not true, I was paying €100 a month for my accommodation and while it was crap, I had plenty of money to spend on random stuff like pizza and shoes and trips to Rome and internets). I neglected to say I was already feeling both upset and murderous, having just had a most traumatic afternoon, but that was enough to get him to leave me alone.

- People who abuse animals - a story about a woman who let her Alsatian starve to death came up on my BBC news feed a little while ago and it made me cry. (Animal Hospital used to reduce me to tears regularly, too.) They should all be forced to live in the cunty shack before being put on spikes, along with child murderers, sex offenders, paedos and the Pussycat Dolls.

- Chavs. Chavs chavs chavs chavs. Especially the ones who think it's amusing to call you a 'hobbit' or a 'midget'. I am not a midget, I am just naturally short, like you are naturally pants on head retarded and ugly. Another problem apparent in Canterbury.

- Searching for jobs - I am preparing to take my finals at uni and need part-time work for the time being, extending to full-time once my exams are finished next month. However I was silly when I was at school and preferred spending my weekends slacking off and doing homework to getting a Saturday job like the troglodytes in my year so I am lacking in experience, which puts employers off. How though am I meant to get experience if no one will hire me?

- People who assume because I watch anime, I automatically watch hentai, because all anime is hentai, apparently. No. Just no. If I did watch hentai, I would not admit to it in polite company or at all even, but the principle is the same. No.

- Rap.
( Maladicta, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:21, 15 replies)

this qotw
.....again. you guys are losing it
(goorf, Fri 2 May 2008, 1:15, 2 replies)

I really hate it.....
when people post answers and end them with "click I like this! if you agree!"

Click "I like this!" if you agree with me!
(LargeDoner, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:56, 1 reply)

Wash Your Hands.
People who don't wash their hands in public toilets really get my goat.

I know it isn't like people piss and shit all over their own hands and that, but I don't want to touch the same door handle that you've touched with your hand that has recently been on your cock. Maybe it's just me that thinks like that, but it just doesn't seem right.

It really isn't all that troubling to put a little bit of soap and water on your hands, rub them together, rinse and then clag them under a dryer is it?
(geordiedave is reliving the time Southgate missed that penalty, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:52, 6 replies)

My Music Library
It's nearly all digital. Some of it downloaded, some of it ripped from the huge pile of CDs I have in my corner. It makes things much easier. But I hate, I mean really, really, stupidly hate having my music unordered. They have to have the album covers, and genre. The correct track listing. Any and all bonus tracks, clearly labled. If it's an acoustic version, that's tagged, if it's a live version, tagged. A cover, that gets tagged. I end up with things like

Happiness By The Kilowatt (Alexisonfire) [Acoustic] [Live] - City and Color

and

Whole Lotta Love/Boogie Chillun/Let's Have A Party/Hello Marylou/Going to California [Live] - Led Zeppelin

And I had a nice ladyfriend here the other day. She combined a two disc best of into one album. God damnit, I nearly kicked her out. I'm *that* serious about it.
( Mr. Jack cracked the elite b3ta inner circle on, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:37, 2 replies)

Paxi Taxi Drivers
Asian taxi drivers who don't understand speed limits, what indicators are for, park on yellow lines-cycle paths-pavements and anywhere else they fucking like
drive like total cunts with no lane discipline cutting people up - and that's just the ones in Bedford - if you don't believe how bad they are, I've posted photos of the cunts on www.betterdrivingplease.com - just search on "Bedford" and "taxi" - you'll see what I mean - Death on the roads (and pavements)----aaah I feel better now ;)
(Zuffle farts silently in lifts then leaves the warm aroma, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:20, 5 replies)

txt spk
i hte txt spk cn nvr undrstnd wht ppl r syin



** plus i cant write it very well either apparently
(casca Cracked one out on, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:17, 3 replies)

Mouth Breathers
If you've read some of my past posts, you may be aware that I work in a cinema. I'm a general slave, either selling tickets/food/ice cream or ripping tickets and directing people to screens and then cleaning the screens after every show when the public inevitably ruin all of my hard work sweeping, scrubbing and wiping.
I will now write a list of all the annoying things that customers do, and I bet most of you do when you go to the cinema as well.

- Come up to the desk and say "What's on?" I pass them a leaflet with all the film times on. Their eyes briefly scan the page, failing to take in a single droplet of information before repeating "Yeah, so what's starting like, now?" I appreciate some people have difficulty reading, and I am more than happy to help in this situation, but it's just laziness. Just absolute refusal to make any effort at using your eyes or brain what so ever. Also seen with foreign films. "Urr it's got subtitles?"

- Putting your wet umbrella on the counter which I JUST CLEANED ARGH HATE.

- Every cocking person who orders ice cream gets the same thing. "2 scoops, vanilla and chocolate please." "Um.. Regular, vanilla and chocolate." "Chocolate and vanilla please." "Ooh that sounds good, make that 2!" We have 16 flavours to choose from! Have some imagination! Vanilla is always rock hard and kills your arm to scoop too.

- Have you got a student card or discount voucher? No? Okay that's £6.20. "I've got one of these things!" A discount voucher. Wonderful.

- Anything else? "No." That's £6.20 then please. "Can I have a large coke?" Something else? Wonderful.

- Not taking your rubbish out of the screens and being piggys. Unless you have no arms, I fail to see how picking up the empty popcorn box with your greasy hands is difficult. I also don't understand how NO ONE can eat popcorn without dropping at least 2 dozen pieces on the floor. Honestly. Every single time. Scattered across the floor, seats, bums, everything.

- When you are cleaning, customers come into the screen. You ask them politely to wait outside. This is met with a huge sigh and a "HOW long will it take?" If you want to sit in a pigsty be my fucking guest! I actually want to make your cinema experience enjoyable. You complain if it's messy, when you will inevitably add to the mess, and complain if I clean, as you have to wait on your chubby ankles for 5 more minutes.

I know people pay for good customer service, and we are happy to give it to you, if you show politeness and decency in return.

Christ, that was a long one. Apologies.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:16, 6 replies)

Old people on the bus
Old people on buses drive me up the wall. I reckon they should have an upper age limit; once you're over seventy, you can just fuck off.

Firstly, there's the rush to the bus at the bus stop. Those old fuckers shuffle around town and get in the way of shop doorways all the live long day, but fuck me, they can FLY when they hear the bus coming. Their wrinkled faces set in determination as they cling to their bus passes and oversized purses, just DARING you to make a fuss because, I don't know, YOU'VE BEEN WAITING AT THAT SODDING BUS STOP TWENTY MINUTES LONGER THAN THOSE OLD CUNTS. WHATS MORE, AFTER ACTUAL WORK, NOT JUST DAWDLING FROM SHOP TO SHOP, DECIDING WHAT FUCKING BRAND OF BISCUITS TO TRY THIS WEEK, THEN SETTLING FOR BASTARD BOURBOURNS.

It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't take a fucking YEAR to get their tickets, setting down their huge ass shopping back to fiddle through their purse, when they've had seventy or so years to get their change/pass out READY. They laugh, chuckle, and flirt with the bus driver, as if they've got all the time in the world, when ACTUALLY the grains of sand are always falling.

Then, it comes to actual seating. Well, WHEN they actually sit down. They just tend to stand in the aisle, exclaiming 'OH, HELLO MABEL' to another of their fellow coffin dodgers, somewhat forgetting they're on a bus and there's PEOPLE who just want to sit the fuck down before the bus starts moving. Then, shock of shock, you're supposed to give up your seat for them if there's none left. When you actually PAY for your seat!

... okay, so I do give up my seat for the old feckers. And have I ONCE been thanked for it? Nope. They just give me a superior smirk as they settle down, shopping bags blocking the actual aisle I'm supposed to stand in. Even when I was on crutches one time, I stood up for the old feckers since I only had one stop to go, and they had the cheek to moan about ungrateful young persons. LO, I WAS CRIPPLED AND STANDING. FUCK YOU, GRANNY GRIMBLES.

And the bastards aren't as deaf as they'd leave you to believe. I casually remarked to my acquaintance on getting onto a bus packed to the windows with fogies that 'the stench of death was strong in here', when I got a few evils from some of the ones sat way down at the front.

Graah... *rants*
(Aruu does not put all her trust in root vegetables., Fri 2 May 2008, 0:13, 5 replies)

The fact the I can't ignore enough whiny twats to clean up QOTW
Seriously, there is more to b3ta than QOTW.
No need to spoil it for those of us who enjoy reading the answers and not inane babbling. That's what /talk is for
( M o D, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:12, Reply)

Most things.
Jim Davidson/Jon Gaunt/Richard Littlejohn; any racist complainers of that ilk. (oh, and Gary Bushell)
Bowls that aren't even big enough for a bowl of soup. What's the point?
This beer I've got. Why the deliciousness/consequences?
Board Nazis.
My distinct lack of ambition, coupled with my superiority complex.
Reality/karaoke shows.
Nice things cost more money.
Healthy shit doesn't taste very nice.
My cock.
Commercial radio.
Flag waving idiots on St. Georges Day. I'm all for being proud of my country, why do others have to piss in the street and shout at foriegners?

Edit: redecedfatLOLcat reminds me. How could i forget The Rude. Fucking twats; please, thank you, a nod, a wink, any show of human empathy. That's all the politeness we need not to despise you and destroy you when we take over the world.

Also, people who talk like they'll take over the world when all they do is talk/wank on the internet. The fucking cunts.

Oh, and being bald.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Fri 2 May 2008, 0:12, 3 replies)