facebook..
annoyingly addictive yet strangely vacuous.. : )
(sdrawkcab, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:24, Reply)

Questions of the week
That are obviously going to invoke a lot of stuff that I can really relate to, but which I'm going to have to wait until I get home to read properly. By which time it'll be up to 10 pages long at least, and I know I'll be up until 4am reading, replying, clicking and posting.

Bloody work. Thank God I've got a 4 day weekend to look forward to...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 2 May 2008, 11:18, 2 replies)

Cheap can openers.
No offence, but a can opener made out of tinfoil is not going to cut open my tin of Farrows Peas. The only thing they succeed in opening is the skin around my finger as I bludgeon the tin-opener to death.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:16, 2 replies)

Oh...
...and having to change the toilet roll once it's run out. Absolute torture, I would rather wipe my arse with my hand than go through that hellish effort.
( Regger, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:15, Reply)

People going on about fat people
loads of you have said that fat people piss you off, and fair play, some, about 60% are just lazy idiots who don't know when to put the fork down.

But the rest, and I count myself in this (although I'm not overly fat and nicely tall so it all balances out) have just been dealt a bad hand from the gene pool. one half of my family are fat, the other half are tall. I got both.

I don't pay too much attention to what I eat, but I don't go overboard, I believe my diet is as average as anyone who'se been blessed with the body and metabolism of the gods, I excersise when I can, and if I want to loose weight I have to work about 10 times harder than the other people I know purely because of the genetic uphill struggle.

I know you will say "bollocks, being overweight has nothing to do with genetics" and I would usually believe you until you stop and have a good look around. look at what these people eat and then compare it to yourself.

it has been my experience (so proove me wrong) that the people who complain about fat people are the kind of people who will eat nothing but takeaway themselves. or go to McDo and get a mountain of cheeseburgers. just because you have fantastic genes and can metabolise all that fat and shit doesn't mean we all can. I dread to think what I'd look like if I ate nothing but shit like some of the thin people I know.

I may be jealous of these people, but I'd rather be jealous and enlightened (and intermittantly happy with my size) than angry and ignorant
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 2 May 2008, 11:14, 25 replies)

Im going to list mine individually
or there will be a post of the size pooflake could only dream of . . .

1) Paris Hilton What is the point of this woman? please, if there is anyone out there who can give even the smallest valid reason for her actually existing i would love to know.

She is not attractive, she is a skinny little oik with a vacant look and all her facial features desperately clinging as close to the nose as possible in case they fall off the side.

She cannot act, sing, pose, think, multi task (such as breathe and walk) or do anything that is of any benefit to the continuation of the species.

Paris Hilton proves, purely by being exceedingly rich and useless while millions starve to death and geniuses get horrible crippling diseases that either

a) there is no higher power out there

b) there is a higher power and it could not give a flying fuck about humanity

Want to be useful Paris? All experiments on animals should be scrapped, and clones of her used instead, so that every day I can live happily with the knowledge that millions of Paris Hiltons are being tortured, lobomotised (if its possible to reduce her already meagre intellect) injected with hideous diseases, given cancer, force fed, starved etc etc etc.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:14, 3 replies)

idiot drivers
People who drive at 45mph in a 60 zone. And then carry on driving at 45mph when it turns into a 30 zone.

Bastards!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:11, 4 replies)

Pantliners.
When your wearing a pantliner and it twists and the sticky bit faces up and sticks to your fanny every time you move.

I hate that.


*may or may not be happening now*
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:11, 13 replies)

Foreign Language Speakers
This is something that really gets on my nerves.

I live with a French girl, fair enough, no problems there, but whenever one of her French friends come over or we go out to a bar, that is all they will speak, completely excluding me from the conversation.

It's even worse when it's in my own home. For instance, a few came over for a meal and that's all they spoke, while I'm just sat there unable to participate and confused by what they're laughing at.

I recently went to a party with her, but left after 30 mins as it was exactly the same sort of thing.

Strangely, I also used to live with a Swedish girl, and she never once did that..herself and her friends would always speak English so that I could be involved.

It's a matter of courtesy.
( Regger, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:10, 6 replies)

Being misunderstood
Goths who complain that they get picked on.

That's the entire point of slapping on the black makeup and squeezing into a fucking stupid rubber dress (boys) or fucking stupid torn fishnets (girls). You're only doing it in a pathetic middle class attempt to shock mummy and daddy before your gap year. You want us all to notice you - so don't sodding well complain when we do.

Round up the gits and give them compulsory work experience in mortuary and A&E's of a Friday night and see if they think death and blood is so cool then.
(ubergeekian, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:03, 9 replies)

the fucking tweenies
well not everything about the tweenies, specifically that condescending old cunt grandfather they have. The rest of them are annoying enough in a children's tv sort of way, but when thinking about that old cunt, I don't think hate is a strong enough word to describe my loathing towards him. Teaching my children morals and the like, I think i can do that my fucking self. I would happily do a stretch inside as long as I got to cave his fucking head in first with the most blunt instrument I could find, fucking condescending cuntfaced twat.
rant over
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:02, Reply)

eBay's nazi policing policy
How fucking ridiculous is it that any old fool in China/Nigeria etc can flog utter rubbish not built to Uk standards and flaunt the rules about postage etc and keep their ebay accounts not only active but thriving.

Yet when I try to make up some extra money to pay the electric bill at home by flogging some things we no longer need at home ebay's nazi policing will ban/remove the auctions for increasingly unfair reasons?

Example: I list something that I realise has a decent value but I'm not sure. So I put a buy it now price that I suspect might be too high but state in the auction "or nearest offer" with the intention of giving a seller discount through the system. Removed: "fee avoidance"

I listed my baby daughters adidas trainers. Really tiny baby ones which she wore like twice. So I describe "As new". Removed: "Missdescribing" (apparantly I'm attempting to claim they are new?).
I relisted with the changes made, Removed again "counterfeit merchandise"???? They're genuine!?!?

Listed some diet milkshakes the other half wasn't going to use. Normal stuff from a health food shop. Removed: "Drugs & paraphanalia".

Listed a pack of Terry nappies (bought from ebay in the first place). Removed: "Banned items, used underwear"???? Not like their crotchless panties is it?

Listed my car on there and provided a link to a webpage with further pictures and details.
Removed: "External links not allowed".
Relisted with my phone number so people could phone and get details of it. Removed: "fee avoidance"????
Relisted, someone asked a question about my asking price. I answered it and posted the answer on the page. Removed again: "fee avoidance".

etc etc etc

Basically they're a bunch of cunts who want to make life difficult for normal people selling off miscellaneous stuff and seem to want just the Chinese mass selling electronic shit.

Also, don't even get me started on their (lack of) customer service. The most amusing thing about which is after they fail to help you or are obviously too lazy to actually read your email then they send a "satisfaction survey" to assess how well they've done!?!?
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:00, 1 reply)

people
people who say "tis you".

ITS FUCKING "TISSUE"!

Or people who say "Hello there" what? Hello where?

People who shake your hand and while doing so grasp your shaking hand with there other hand. FUCK OFF!

People who have a limp or wet handshake. fuck off! Dont shake at all.

People who dont like me smoking. Fuck off!

People who dont like me Drinking. Fuck off too!!

People who make a loud crunching sound when they eat. Fuck off.

Gay People who feel the need to tell you they are Gay every other sentance. Fuck Off.

Catholics who talk non stop religion. Fuck Off.

Manchester United. Fuck Off

People who hold the Knife like its a pen. Fuck off.

Tony Blair. Fuck Off.

People who shout on there Mobile phone. Fuck Off.

Annoying ring tones. Fuck off.

Jo Brand. Your not funny. Fuck off.

People who have a go at our troops in Iraq. Do you think they want to be there? Fuck off.

People who wear white socks with black shoes. Fuck off.

The Birmingham accent. Dont Speak and Fuck off.

People who complain about England. If you dont like it Fuck Off - I did.

People who say " oooh your so lucky to have a good job. No i am not. Fuck Off.

Englands Cricket Team. Fuck Off.

Also the England Football Team. Fuck off.

People who Slurp there Drinks. Fuck Off.

Old Women. Fuck off



I will Get My Coat and FUCK OFF!
(The Sitmpwa, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:59, 7 replies)

Thin people.
Well, those who eat and eat and eat and never put weight on. Why can't I have their metabolism? Why do I have to starve and run about like a loon just to loose a couple of pounds? Ok! I don't want to be skinny but I'd like to have a payoff for all the hard work I do in keeping trim.

Makes me sooooo fed up!
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:58, 8 replies)

loadsof things
People who say Pacific when they should be saying specific. Fuck off. Tube door button-pushers uuuummmmgggh it doesn't do anything. Fuck off. triathletes, what a bunch of fucks. The French.
( You drive like a mong in a dodgem today is, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:57, 2 replies)

Abefroman you missed...
"Isn't it"

Wait what? Is not it? Is not it what? People use it to agree with you as well which makes even less sense.

It's a nice day
Is not it.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:49, 1 reply)

Why I hate my fellow females: a lengthy bitchy missive by Pidgeony
Apparently, very expensive classes are offered on how to get a husband. Women pay potential good shoe money so some shrew can tell them how to change everything about their personality/dress sense/aroma in order to bag a man. This is cruel to men, as it seems that as soon as the lady has her giant rock (remember ladies; the bigger the diamond, the more he loves you!) and wedding planner, she can revert back to the type of woman that no man wanted in the first place. This should be some shite Hallmark movie or Danni Minogue song lesson in how women should be ‘true’ to themselves, but really, these women should just shut the hell up and realize that nobody likes them. They should just get some fucking cats and hope their feline friends don’t eat their faces when they die.

I’m often asked relationship advice, like I’m the great beacon of stable relationships. “You’re 26 and you’ve been married twice! You’re an expert, an old pro!”? “All right then. Never date a bloke who plays the didgeridoo, chew with your fucking mouth closed (you fucking cow), people named Simon are cunts and any man who wants you to be clean shaven is a pedophile.”? It’s sound advice, but they never fucking listen to me, and therefore continue the circle of relationship life, shagging further and further down the food chain until they grow tired and die.

These mini-skirted maniacs, the human equivalent of a mating baboon’s red ass, are never going to bloody realize that acting like a decent human being will get them what they want. Instead they embark on mating rituals by diminishment - diminish their thigh size, diminish their IQs, diminish their sense of self-worth, then finally, diminish their clothing. As if removing every last bit of everything interesting there ever was about them, by turning themselves into a vagina with an overly made-up face will make them worthy to be somebody’s long-term fuck partner.

Then, say, they actually find a partner they want to fuck for life. They’ve spent every waking moment of their lives dreaming of finding a boy who sticks his penis in her vagina with flair. The entire relationship is from there forward entirely based around sexual chemistry, and they neglect things like, oh, speaking to each other. And they fall so in love with the pleasure experienced by their bits that they marry the source of this orgasmic gratification, and lo, they live happily and merrily, rutting as often as a clock chimes. That is, of course, until one of them tires, waking up only to realize that the best years of their lives have been wasted on cum.

Girls, I recommend this: if a boy desires you for your invented lack of personality, then he’s a cunt. If your entire relationship is based around fucking, a new word should be used entirely for this purpose. ‘Fuckfriend’ and ‘Fuckband’ work, and darling, if the your only happy times are spent with a penis up your fanny, you’re both going to wind up exhausted and lonely.

I find it odd that many people won’t marry their friends, as if the initial awkwardness of boning their best mate is their vision of hell, yet they’re more than happy to make a pledge for ‘forever after’ with a bloke whose pubic hair is more intimate than his eyes.

Love, my friends, is total happiness, not just the occasional arousal of a clitoris.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:49, 9 replies)

Sales Calls
This really gets my goat, sitting down for dinner, putting the telly on to watch a movie and settling down to just being comfortable when........

*RING,RING*

"F*cksocks" says I, knowing what's coming.

Sure enough, it's a withheld number (caller ID rocks) and I begin to ignore the annoying little ringing device held in my hand. But the ringing won't stop, and when it does it recommences in a few seconds time, still withheld. Only one way to get this over with.

"Hello?"

"Yes, my name is Harold, and I would be wondering what telephone service you be using please?" - why do they always spiel off this same message, trying to sound like an English call centre, despite the fact that they quite clearly are from the other side of the damned globe.

No matter what my response is (and I have just said "F*CK OFF" down the phone before in response), this inevitably eats up 5 to 10 minutes of MY time, time I could be using to watch my movie, or curing cancer, or masturbating (first or third options are far more likely, curing cancer is harder than it seems).

In order to prevent this annoyance to driving me into an early grave of sheer desperation, I have come up with a defence mechanism.

Phone rings, I answer, chappy (or lass) reads off their predetermined script and I return with....

"Oooh, one sec, I have something on the burner" then put the phone down and go back to what I was doing , see earlier. After about 10 minutes - the time I would have lost in the conversation (also about the time it takes to crank out a good handy-shuffle) - I will loudly ask to my flatmates "Who left the bloody phone off the hook?" before hanging up. Doesn't stop the calls mind, but I feel less angry about it.

Length? About 10 minutes of furious plugging before they eventually get the hint I don't want their product.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Fri 2 May 2008, 10:45, 9 replies)

Oh my, where to start
People who bring uneccessary things onto the tube during rush hour, such as bikes, children, PUSHCHAIRS. I struggle to see why they can't just wait until rush hour has finished, then take your child to the museum or wherever you're going - fair enough if its a school run, but otherwise NO. And if you have a fucking bike then fucking use it, don't take it on the tube taking up space, its cramped enough as it is you cunt.

Another tube related one - people who wait until they get to the barrier before searching for their oyster card/ticket and causing a queue. Is it that difficult to have it ready before you get there? This also applies to people in supermarkets not getting their purse or wallet out until the very last minute...grrr

Noisy eaters

Noisy people

Inconsiderate people in general

All of mine appear to be people related, ho hum
(Slacker, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:44, 1 reply)

Stupid phrases
I really hate use of the following phrases which are commonly used by buffoons across the land:

Have a good one - have a good what exactly?
Chilling out - are you sitting in the fridge? Do you need a jumper? Er no, you're relaxing so why not say so?
To die for - if that chocolate fudge cake is so delicious that "it's to die for", you're dead, you can't enjoy it can you?

*Edit*
I forgot one:
I'm good - when used to reply to "How are you?". You're good? At what? Speaking nonsense apparently.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:43, 2 replies)

Just a few to get me started
I'll begin with my main peeve at present, Russ Students. I am very happy to find a new place to stand on my soap box and unleash what my fiancee calls an overly agressive stream of hate against these retarted members of Norwegian society. It's driving my boy crazy so ranting here saves his ears! Hurrah.

Well, I live in a fair sized city half way up Norway. And I am currently in day three of my annual two weeks of hate and pain. It occurs every year at this time, two weeks from the beginning of May (or last day of April this year it seems..) until national day on May 17. Every year at this time the graduating students from high school, aged between 17 and 20 dress up in these ridiculous dungaree things and white lab coats (colour coded for whichever course they took) and run around ALL the freakin time downtown blowing their damn fucking whistles 99.9% of said allthefreakintime, drinking cheap beer, generally trashing the place and making a nuisance of themselves. I have no issue with the tradition of 'yay we're leaving school! woo!', what I do take exception to is the fact that these children think that being Russ entitles them to act like fools without repercussions, see engagement and wedding rings as a challenge (mm that's ALWAYS fun..) and harrass people who try to stand up to their whistle blowing irritating pack mentality. In fact, just yesterday I saw a troup of girls about 15 strong aggressively following a couple down the street blowing their whistles in their ears at every opportunity.. I assume they guy had told them where exactly they could put their damn whistles. Poor lad.

The other most annoying thing about these Russ is that they have a set series of 'challenges' to do if they so please, which gains them a bobble on their ridiculous looking stupid hats every time they complete a task. One of the tasks this year, as I discovered to my horror yesterday, was to jump out in front of a moving bus and proceed to jump about in front of it like loons for five minutes or until the driver, fed up with beeping his horn at them started moving. I mean COME ON! Jumping in front of a bus for a bobble on a hat? How ridiculously fucking retarded is that??

I also live just across the main bridge to the city center on the ground floor, which means that all through the night I get the delight of whistles blowing continuously just at the annoying spectrum of my hearing along with these people bashing my windows and checking the door every three minutes all through the night. What do they hope to accomplish?? What are they going to do when they find a door that opens?? MAN Don't these children have HOMES to be at?? Exams to revise for? I just want to backhand every one I come across..


Well that was longer than I had expected..

My other main peeve is people that whine and moan all the time about how bad their lives are and how 'nobody suffers like me!' and then proceed to do absolutely fuck all to change their situation and make it any better. I have a friend who is like this, two in fact. And I try to help them when they come to me upset, I suggest things they could try to make things better, I suggest self help motivational tools, I look up things on the internet they could read to help themselves and they DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! Damnit! And then they even have the gall to shout at me for 'telling them how they should be feeling'. Well fine fucking fine, feel miserable. Just don't come whining at me expecting sympathy when you're not even trying to help yourself! Grrrr...

I'm sure I'll think up more later.. But I think I have ranted enough for now :)
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:42, 2 replies)

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please!
Actually, I don't drink lager, but...

In response to the Urban Badger's post below – the pub drinker’s point of view. Before I go offending any bar staff out there, can I just say that most of you are OK (a bit like most of us punters are OK). But, in accordance with the law of averages, some are lazy, good for nothing, ignorant and arrogant bastards. Much like a minority of punters.

Balance struck? Good.

*Engages grumpy middle aged man mode*

For me, what makes a good bar person is someone who is constantly on the watch and mentally noting who’s at the bar, and who is next to be served. On far too many occasions I’ve been stood at a bar, patiently waiting to be served, and found myself being simply ignored by the staff. This is despite me waving a tenner in the air, making eye contact as often as possible and shouting “Excuse me” above the din of music being played which is usually far too loud. And yet still I’m ignored. But what REALLY fucking bugs me is when someone comes to the bar AFTER me, and yet is served first because either:
• The bar staff are predominantly blokes and the customer who has just come in is wearing a skimpy outfit and has big tits;
• The bar staff are predominantly young woman, and the girl who has just come in is a mate they haven’t seen for a couple of hours, therefore this is a good time to serve them and have a 10 minute chat while the rest of the clientele dies of thirst;
• The bar staff are predominantly young woman and a ‘fit’ bloke has just come in and there’s a race to serve him, get his phone number and hopefully bag him at the end of the night, or;
• The bar staff in general are ignorant little cunts who really couldn’t give a shit about the job and are there purely because it’s “like having a night out but you get paid for it and you can have a laff and stuff, innit?”

And another thing. Punters. You’re a bunch of self centred arse biscuits as well sometimes. I regard myself as being pretty well mannered. If a bar person asks me what I want to drink, and the guy standing next to me was there before I was, I always say “Him first, then me”. However, I rarely find myself on the receiving end of such courtesy – maybe I’m a mug for remaining the polite person that I am. On one occasion I did this, the barman served the bloke next to me and then fucked off to the other end of the bar to serve someone else. I’d only been waiting for 15 minutes

I left.

This seems to happen in big pub/clubs rather than the more traditional type of drinking den. I have two or three bars I would regard as ‘locals’. One in particular has its die hard regulars and you can set your watch by what time each one comes in. The landlord has glasses set up under the pumps ready for them and is constantly on the watch for customers coming in, or whether they are just about finished there drink, whereupon another glass is produced in readiness. This isn’t a quiet pub either, this can get quite busy even through the week.

THAT’S a good barman.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 2 May 2008, 10:40, 11 replies)

People who don't know how to turn their caps lock off
As demonstrated below \/
(Belgaer is, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:38, 3 replies)

PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE TOPIC OF THE QOTW
PLEASE DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE TOPIC OF THE QOTW. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL OR DETATCHED IN ANY WAY. IT JUST MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF TWATS. YES FUCKING TWATS THAT YOU ARE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE QOTW OR ANY OF THE OTHER MATERIAL ON B3TA THEN PLEASE FUCK OFF AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU FUCKING LAMEDICKS.

*and breathes*
(sdrawkcab, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:36, 2 replies)

When you THINK you're going to get some
I tie you up with scarves so you cant move and begin to massage your body with oil to relax you. I smooth your skin firmly and you let out a moan of happiness.

You still feel a little tense, so I swap my hands for my mouth and begin licking and sucking your neck and chest, paying special attention to your erect nipples. I trace your happy trail down from your belly button to your now rockhard cock and slowly lick up and down your pulsating shaft.

I then move away from your cock and you look angry as you're now desperate for me to suck it, instead I begin kissing your inner thighs and stroking your balls with my fingers very very gently. I take one in my mouth and slowly rotate it, letting my piercing stimulate it. You stiffen and almost cum as it feels so good, so I gently tug on your balls and hold off the inevitable.

I move back up your body, licking and kissing you all over until you're trembling in anticipation. I decide to give you a break and hover over your now monstrous size cock, then slowly lower my mouth over your head, licking and sucking softly at first, then applying more pressure. I move my head up and down and your body starts to buckle with the added pressure, so again I tug on your balls.

Keeping one hand on your balls and the other at the base of your cock, I take your whole shaft in my mouth and begin sucking properly, moving up and down and twirling my tongue around your head, you cannot stop groaning in pleasure and start arching your back, trying to get even further inside my mouth. I push you straight back down, as I'm in control, not you.

I move my hand down from your cock and start rubbing your asshole, then slowly slip one finger inside. You shudder and say no at first, but I add some more lube and slowly slip it inside again and you squirm in delight. I move it inside a little further, feeling for your G spot while still sucking and kissing your cock, then all of a sudden you let out a cry and I know I've found your G and you cum torrents of spunk in my mouth.

And then what do you do? You fucking fall asleep. Pussy
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:35, 6 replies)

I'm Irish
Well, I'm half Irish, and damn proud of it! I can drink anyone under the table if needed and can actually decipher the mumbling strong irish accent from deepest tallagh and dublin.

but what really, REALLY annoys me is when St Paddy's day rolls around. I love St Paddy's, and even more than that I love that the people of Britain celebrate it more than St George's day!

but when there are shamrocks in the vacinity, or people are talking about Ireland and the shamrock, why, oh why do people call them clovers?

CLOVERS?

yeah they look similar, but have you ever seen a clover with heart-shaped leaves? No. No you haven't and you haven't because a SHAMROCK IS NOT A CLOVER

This should not get my quite as angry as it does, but if you're going to take interest, get it right. And don't start calling them clovers again seconds after I've corrected you. You don't want a drunken, angry Irish lass on your hands.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 2 May 2008, 10:34, 5 replies)

Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I shall begin

* People who use "txt spk". Ok I admit I am a grammar nazi, however there is no need to drop the vowels out of every single word you use. If people send me anything with "txt spk" in I will talk to them slowly as they obviously don't understand English very well.

* Important documents with mass spelling and grammar mistakes. I see that some people get annoyed that people pick up mistakes in posts - unless the person specifically states they are brilliant at spelling and grammar then I tend to let them go but when I receive a contract and it states "your required to maintain the gardens" I get annoyed. And have been known to get a red pen out circle mistakes and send it back, but that was because I was getting charged £80 "admin fee" for them to print out this document and send it to me so was going to get my moneys worth. I do worry though that basic English skills and the differences between their/they're/there and to/too/two are getting lost somewhere though. In instant messages and informal chats as long as it doesn't go to "txt spk" (I do really hate that)it is acceptable. But in work emails and contacts is just too much, especially when people have a line of letters after their name but they can't turn on spell check in emails or get someone to proofread documentation.

* Rude people. When I hold doors open for people and they don't say "thank you" I tend to say "You're welcome" very loudly and then they turn round and look confused because they know they are arrogant pissweasels who are too up their own ass to thank the nice person holding the door and on hindsight are annoyed I didn't tip my hat and say Sir. Old people are the worst for this in my experience.

* People who are still stuck in the 1950's and don't believe I actually do work on my old cars. "Did you get your daddy to do it for you?" I believe this is a viable reason to punch someone in the face.

* People who deliberately go in the wrong lanes at roundabouts and junctions to skip the traffic. This seems to be mainly people in BMWs and Audis although there is a limeflower old mini near me that keeps doing it. If you are reading this Mr Mini Man then next time I am in my Marina I will get in front of you and I will slam on my brakes and you can get acquainted with my chrome bumpers that will hopefully put a nice imprint of your smugassed face all over your windscreen.

* People who talk to me whilst I am obviously paying attention to something on TV, normally some Channel4 documentary, or reading. The phrase "What you reading?" is another face punching offence.

* People who refuse to allow you to have a different opinion to themselves. I love a good debate and am aware that I have pretty black and white views on stuff but people telling me my views are wrong is a face punchable offence.

* People who talk REALLY FUCKING LOUD ON THEIR MOBILES IN CROWDED PUBLIC AREAS. I don't care if Chardonnay has split up with Ricardo and is going to drown her sorrows with a bottle of Lambrini in the Chav Arms at 7:30 and what colour boob tube should she wear. Also they always have the most annoying laughs that sound like a chain smoking dolphin.

* Michael Flately Lord of the Dance, his legs flail about as if independent to his body! (ok I may have stolen that one...)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:32, 3 replies)

Women 4 x 4's & the school run
The size of your car that takes your stupid kids on the 1 mile journey to school does not indicate how much you love them.
(amsterdam_neild, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:29, Reply)

So many, but this'll do for starters...
Once you get to my age most things are annoying at some level, but one that really pisses me off now...

People who say "Say Again" when they mean "Pardon".

Let me explain. Once upon a time we used to say "pardon" or "I beg your pardon" to indicate we hadn't heard what someone had said. The inference was that we (the listener) were at fault for mishearing what was said. Now people say "Say again" and imply there is something wrong with the speaker's diction. It's arrogant and 'Thatcherite" in it's assumption that it's someone else's fault, not our own.

A small thing, but then the small things are often the most annoying...
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:28, 4 replies)

The M25
Actually, every fucking motorway, apart from the M40 north of junction 2.

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that if you don't have a vehicle to your left, pull the fuck over you total cunt.

And HGV drivers, what a bunch of total cunts (sorry if your an HGV driver an you're nice) Why do you ever need to be in the middle lane, your barely moving quicker than the cunt in front of you!

*feels calmer now*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:27, Reply)