"Buzzwords"
Seeing as you clearly cannot use 'buzzwords' to describe yourself for fear of misinterpretation, I guess the ads should read something like this:

Female, 5'7 2/8", 10st 7lb 6oz, long, brown hair (1' 2" long, chestnut shade, Garnier dye no. 015) Green eyes (exact shade unknown) Nice breasts (size 36C, no sagging) Pierced ears (once, no spike earrings) no weird piercings. Likes shopping for shoes, talking a lot, going to the gym whenever I've eaten too much chocolate. Dislikes men who point out I have too many pairs of shoes. I would include a naked pic, but haven't in case you think I'm a whore. Hopefully you won't think I'm a prude for not including it. You just can't win with these things!
I have a good job, I'm not a back stabbing career bitch and I'm not a princess wanting to be a kept woman. Basically, I pay for my own shoes. Oh, and I'm not after marriage. Or your babies.

Note: this isn't an ad for me...
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 16:52, Reply)

Hot or Not
i'm on there as turnerkr_uk
expect all your asses to be kicked ;)
first post...*pop*
(punk rock princess, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 16:33, Reply)

if a bird shits on your windscreen
it's time to give up on internet dating.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 16:04, Reply)

I keep getting emails that say....
"Sorry I missed you last time I was in the UK. I never got a reply to my last email. I've left you a note on your profile. Hope to meet up soon.

Chloe."

The girls name is different every time. But the body of the email is identical word-for-word every time.

Damn spam! Why can't they stick to non-sensical gibberish and out-of-context Jane Austen quotes like in the good old days!?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:42, Reply)

Comments on YouTube
I saw the following comments on several unrelated YouTube videos a while ago.....

"Wanted; a family to adopt me. I am an honest, hard working Chinese boy, 23, and am university educated. I want to find work so I can pay to get my younger brothers out of China and if you help me I will give you much love".

I paraphrase at best here, as the grammar was worse.

If this was genuine, then I can't help but shed a tiny tear for this desparate young man.

Who on Earth is going to adopt a 23 year old, and surely someone with a university education can find suitable honest paid work even in a backwards country like China!?

Even if they did something like Sociology - I mean, they have MacDonalds in China afterall.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Ive been getting these recently
Hello, Steffen (thats not my name)

I search and I want to meet a gentleman. I want to love him and to present
a lot of happiness and pleasures. I love children very much and want to have
my own. I have many friends, but there is no man in my life. I do not want
to write a long letter. I want to meet and understand that we are in need of
each other.
I don't know English well so I try to learn this language. I love all fine,
neat and clean, I like be different. I would like to send you my photos and
I will be happy to see yours. I hope that our future possible relations
will grow into serious attraction and I might see you in Ukraine. I am very
beautiful, kind and gentle. I can present much love and caress to you. Write
to me at ifoundthelove.net/tenderly] and I hope for our soon communication.

Have a nice day

The problem im having is i don't know whether to send a pic of my wang, or to go into some high class baiting.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:31, Reply)

HoN
add myself and went top staright away (woo!)
my name is genetic15 cause me usual name had gone

;-)
(fluffyfangs drinks, smokes and hangs round with strange women, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:29, Reply)

same thing happened round our way drain_bamaged
Except the magazine was readers wives, and the teacher was about 50. Our chant was HARDCORE! (even though the spread wasn't) it fitted well with her surname.

I think the best work of genius goes to my mate, who printed off a copy and stapled it to her desk. Of course to add to the surprise he did it under a stack of books.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:28, Reply)

My fiance...
uses the popular 3D platform Second Life, and was friends with a guy from Las Vegas. Anyway, she made the mistake of confiding personal details with him which he promptly told the whole world about.

Naturally, I did what anyone would do - I placed an ad in his name on a popular gay dating website with his real life address and phone number on it.

Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't have done the same.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:20, Reply)

HoN
I don't mind admitting, I've given out a lot of 8s and 9s today.

Clearly I'm easily pleased and have low standards.

Also, I'm 7th by virtue of the fact that those who have not recieved any votes are automatically placed in alphabetical order, so it seems. WOOO HOOO!!!
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:10, Reply)

my humps
wow im top of the hot or not table
i win at the internet!
(jangaaaal shes lost control..., Sun 16 Sep 2007, 15:10, Reply)

Hot or Not scoring
So far, b3tans are running an average of 6.7. Whilst I certainly accept Horgy's reservations - no offence, Horgy, but if you're an 8 I'm Beyonce - keep in mind that not enough voting has taken place for the votes to be realistic. And, come on! Rswipe, grandmasterfluffles and brixbrux are all shitloads hotter than the guys, so get over and get voting!

scoreboards.hotornot.com/b3tards?invite=6620E955GLSQHL

And while you're at it, demonstrate that you're a real man by putting your own photo up - voters are clearly WAY more generous to men than women so you have nothing to lose even if you are the munter I strongly suspect you are!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 14:52, Reply)

Hoorah
HoN is clearly flawed. There are attractive people on there in the group yet they are marked down. Crock of shit.

I make no apologies for being top 'o the board though.
(Horgy, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Cat pimp
My mum is a cat pimp and offers the services of her champion pedigree toms to kitties on heat whose owners are willing to pay a few hundred quid for the privilege.

One time, this rather obnoxious, snooty cow, who could quite easily have featured in the film Best in Show, brought in her equally snooty, overly-fluffed, inbred, pugfaced puss for a thorough servicing from prime stud 'Snowwitch Mists of Avalon Trojan Warrior' (the names get worse, believe me).

Pugface tried her very best to gain the stud's attention....arse in the air, choccie starfish on display at all times, meowing like a Yoko Ono record on 78 and rolling around on the floor in a desperate attempt to get buffed into the next century.

Trojan Warrior, however, wasn't in the slightest bit interested. He preferred to turn his attention instead to the giant lop-eared rabbit that ran free in the kittie pen, and mounted himself upon him, ready to give him a good rogering. For his efforts he was rewarded with a series of swift bunny kicks to the feet, body and head.

My mum, embarrassed and desperate to get the money, tried everything to get them to mate that weekend, but alas, Trojan Warrior only had eyes and spiky cat cock for the thunder-footed, big-eared one.

So, that's the sordid world of cat dating for you.
( gypsy turnips, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 13:03, Reply)

Ive been waiting to tell this story for agessss,
Unfortunatly there has never been a "sexy time with teacher" QOTW, so i'll slide this in here

Wimbledon College RC Boys school. Walk into the playground one morning (about 8am), and there is a crowd of boys in one corner, thinking a fight is about to kick off, we do what every other student would do, and rush over.

Boys are fighting hand over fist, except its not a punch up. People are grabbing at something. A magazine. To be precise, a smut mag. To be even more precise, a smut mag called Razzle.

Now porn in a school is nothing new, kids have been doing this for years. But this one had a teacher in. Ms. Phelps.

The picture and rumor went around the school like wild fire. Whenever she walked across the playground entire football matches would stop so we could shout "RAAAZZZZZZLE" at the tops of our voices. Photocopies of the picture went up in various department notice boards. Horny dads were demanding to see their kids' teacher. Anarchy.

It wasnt long after she left the school. This story is somewhat of a legend now. Perhaps not a story about Personals, but still.

Length- About the size of a double page spread.
(drain_bamaged, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Sigh
I'm afraid I've not got a story really...

But...

I was contacted through MSN (hotmail) a while back by someone who was interested in how I looked - a few emails later and we're now talking on messanger.

Long story short, she very quickly, decided to tell me what she was wearing (not much but sounded nice) then told me how much that we were meant to be together and that she wanted us to "be together forever"

**block**

Quickly.

Shit story compared to everyone elses, but it was an accident.

I'm only putting this on to get a post in this week's QOTW


(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Never Trust Postal Workers
Well...this happened a few years ago. Actually, theres 2 stories here, the first one is sort of related, the second one definately is..
1) I used to work at a Post Office reasonably near, shall we say, a facility for holding the undesirables of society...a man in a small truck would come each morning, and pick up the mail for the inmates of this facility. Unfortunately, the loved ones of those in the facility were generally none too bright, and of course used to try and smuggle in small quantities of pot and other such contraband (As if they were the first to try it and we didn't know..) They also were unable to put the correct address on the envelopes, so quite often, people would return mail addressed to their PO box, saying that it wasn't for them, and it should probably go to the box of this facility. We would then dutifully reseal it and put an 'opened in error' sticker on it. One day in particular, a very nice lady brought in an opened letter, and said that it wasn't meant for her, and that we should in fact check it out. Of course this could get us in huge trouble, but it was already opened so temptation overcame good sense. Opening the envelope, it contained a letter and several photos of the 'glamour' type, but the subject in question looked like a whale shoehorned into a lace teddy..sort of like trying to keep pudding in strainer...I still shiver at the thought of this horrid munter reclining in her black stretch lace giganto-sized underwear, contrasting with the pale, sweaty pastiness of her body..with lipstick kisses on the photos, and the letter containing declarations of undying love, wanting to bear the horrid demon sprog of the intended lucky recipient, etc. Then right down the bottom of the letter, was a scrunched and oddly coloured corner, circled in blue biro, and the words "Sniff here if you want to know what a real woman smells like". I made a noise something like "aiiieeeeemyygoddd!!" and dropped the letter. One of the other people there, asked what was wrong, I pointed to the offensivce item, and told her to pick it up and read. She obligingly did so, then after a few moments a similar 'aawwwoohhmyygoooodd!!!' sound followed, and she dropped the letter. A third person joined us, and asked what was wrong, told her to pick up and read, several minutes passed...and then, she looked at us with a puzzled expression, and said 'I don't get it'. She then lifted it to her nose, took a long deep sniff, and said 'Is it supposed to be perfume or something?' I said yes it probably was, could she please re-envelope it and place in the correct PO box.

Story 2 - Bit shorter, way back when I first started, I worked in the delivery area, I had a pushbike round. Unfortunately the bike they gave me was a bastardised death machine, I had an unfortunate incident and broke my ankle. So I was confined to desk-bound duties for a while, one of which was taking the container affectionately known as 'The Coffin' each day, and emptying out all the 'dead letter' mail (coffin - geddit?) My job was to open this mail, which could not be delivered, and had no return address, read it and try to find a return address, re-seal it with special tape and put a honking great stamp on the front saying that it had been opened for inspection to find a return address. One envelope I opened, was from 'Don'. Now apparently, 'Don' had an appendage the size of a baby's arm, according to his own description, and Don had never participated in a threesome, felt a bit nervous but excited to try, was willing to take it up the poop chute, and was eagerly awaiting a response. After just about pissing my pants with laugher, I resealed it with the special bright red tape, and made sure I put the 'Opened for Inspection' sticker right on the front, and just for good measure put one on the back too. I would of loved to have seen Don's face when he got his mail..teach him to address his personals correctly!
(BikeBoy <Insert witty sig here>, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 11:23, Reply)

care in the community?
Chatting to some mates the other day, the conversation casually turned to incest/Norfolk as you do. this is how I got this gem of a story.

My mate and her bf were in Anne summers when a couple started talking to them. (note its always uncomfortable to get talked at by randoms in a sex shop) They were buying the kinkiest stuff in the shop and having a loud discussion that they felt they should include my mate in. Overwhelmed my mate managed to get in "so, your quite an item then?" they replied and I quote:
"no were brother and sister. were just shopping for a birthday present for our mum."

WTF!!!!!1

not strictly a personal s ad but I think it puts those "OMG fat bird!" stories in perspective
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 10:24, Reply)

did you accidentally stand someone up because you were mashed up on extacy pipes?
never again! I found a dating site specifically for stoners.

www.potpartner.com

It might be worth a look
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 10:11, Reply)

Everyone who has posted complaining about fat women
...stick yourself on here and we'll see who's a munter.

scoreboards.hotornot.com/b3tards?invite=6620E955GLSQHL

EDIT: Oh man, I'm about to get squished by a rush on rswipe. Unless rachel has a cunning plan to post a pic of her slightly retarded, ginger, overweight cousin or something.

EDIT EDIT: This Grinderman album is fucking incredible, anyone going to the Melbourne shows?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 8:56, Reply)

I am gorgeous
I am solvent(ish), own a detached house, good job, nice car & am sporty.

However, I live in the middle of pissing nowhere in a foreign country and so I use internet dating because the locals are inbred freaks.

T: lived with his parents, could've eaten an apple through a tennis racket, threw up when my dog caught a mouse when we were out walking.

B: admitted to 5 years older than he told me, but looked nearer 10. Fat, old, bald but a really nice guy and I liked him. Said "it's not you, it's me." A line he probably picked up in the 70s.

P: middle-aged drunk complete with roseacea, told me he loved me and wanted to have little "yid" kids with me. Took me to a 5* hotel and pissed all over the bathroom. All over. I put my heels on to go in and brush my teeth.

A: possibly the most obnoxious Australian I've ever met. Liable to send obscenely nasty emails when off his tits.

Cock shots? oh faahsands.

Have met a new chap online, M, he hasn't sent me a photo of his cock yet. I suspect he's a nullo - it's the only plausible explanation in this day and age. Very odd - seems to want to get to know my personality. WTF is that all about?
(betty_bongo, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 8:29, Reply)

a for real one now:
aol instant messenger, weezer, a webcam, and a plane ticket set forth a chain of events that led to my:

first kiss (age 17)
loss of virginity (age 19)
and...
first broken heart (nooow, emo)

i feel like now i'm inadequate for a real, non-internet spawned relationship.

edit: all the events were with the same person.
(juliajuliajulia, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 7:42, Reply)

Having met a couple of girls through a dating website,
I find the euphemisms irritating. Especially the one about being "curvaceous".

I realise that a sphere is technically just one big curve, but even so, that's pushing it a bit far.
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 1:28, Reply)

I met my current partner through internet chatrooms
Another one for the "cuddly = morbidly obese" list is: "15-year-old Hermione Granger lookalike seeks boy wizard to cast a spell on her with his magic wand" actually means "undercover policeman".

Happily, the guy in charge of the cell block chose me to be his bitch!

Bubba never apologises for length.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 0:27, Reply)

I met a lovely guy
through QOTW... it pains me to have Stalker Boy to thank for something, but I've made lots of friends by the same method and met one at a gig the other week in London (hello James :), so online types are not all bad, it must be said in spite of my Stronkie post... and one day I will make it to a bash and make lots more internets friends. I'm also hoping to meet a local b3tan sometime soon... several of you go to my uni, after all.

EDIT: Did so :) twas fun.

Oddly, in other places I seem to attract the weirdy people... since I was 14 the same guy has been emailing me total crap and gradually stalking me across the interweb. He looks like a sex offender, having seen a photo, and I nearly died the day he found my Facebook profile.
( Maladicta, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 23:12, Reply)

I met husband #1 through a personal ad in the Hull Daily Mail
We divorced five years later.

Met husband #2 almost five years ago on matchmaker.com........we're almost divorced!

When I was on the dating site, I met one horrible guy who kept asking if I'd go down on him. In the restaurant we were eating at. Under the table. Needless to say, I didn't and I left when I went for a wee.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 22:01, Reply)

This the level I've gotten to...
I made a post on Craigslist in Leeds advertising the swapping of kinky monkey sex for my virginity.

I'm almost worried that someone will actually respond.
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 21:49, Reply)

Finding true love, a quick shag or a goldigger?!
There is a site called MillionaireMate.com designed specifically for millionaires and gorgeous women to find each other.
What's the bet that all the so called 'millionaires' have very little and the 'gorgeous' women are anything but!! If you were a millionaire would you have to go online to find a gorgeous woman? And another thing.....why are the women perceived as only gorgeous and not millionaires?!!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 21:33, Reply)

Never leave yourself logged in
A friend of mine once left himself logged in on my computer. Now for those of you who have been to a b3ta bash at someone's house you know not to ever leave yourself logged in on your own profile, lest it be raped to kingdom come. Luckily, this has never happened to me. However, my friend as I have previously mentioned did this on my computer. So, I got a little creative. Several preference changes later, my mate is now out looking to meet raving poofters from Liverpool. Added to this his interests now include bumsex. bdsm and felching, and that he is looking to meet a sailor to "show him the ropes". It's never wise to leave yourself logged in on a mate's computer.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 15 Sep 2007, 21:05, Reply)

I'm no oil painting myself...
But when the sexy sounding football fan from the posh end of the city (who you've been chatting up over a well known public service broadcaster's football forum) asks if you fancy meeting up for a drink sometime, only to for you to find out that she's ginger beyond all possibility, uglier than the Elephant Man and...

...HAS A GLASS EYE...

...it's probably time to respect the more convential methods of finding a potential mate.

I'm not knocking the idea of meeting someone on the internet - I just tend to have a more powerful munter filter on these days.

Oh, and yes, it did point the other way...
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 20:23, Reply)