Party Popper japes
Take the streamers out of the party popper and replace with glitter. Almost impossible to get out of carpets.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:48, Reply)

Not me a mate...
my mate Dai is absolute muppet, and wants to be an actor, only problem being that he cant remember his lines and he cant stand still for a bleeding second! He sways more than a palm tree in a gale. About 2 years ago in college he was in a production of a Midsummer Nights Dream and was in the beginning scene reading from a scroll. Because hed been annoying another friend of mine also in the production my mate drew a MASSIVE cock on the scroll, all over Dais lines (which he hadnt leant, the complete badger) and also wrote various obsceneties, "I love cock" etc. Cue to first night, Dai gets to his big bit, hes swaying, he opens the scroll, and falls over laughing. End of opening night.

He didnt pass.

And somehow hes in Uni with me and doing better than me.

'Sob'

If the length was measured on a stretched elastic band, it would be smaller when let go.
Think about it.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:47, Reply)

Bananas and cream.
1. Banana, needle + thread.
Take a banana, and with nimble work you can slice it up entirely without removing the skin. Its also impossible to tell that it has been sabotaged, and its most strange to open a ready sliced fruit.

2. Party poppers+cream.
Take poppers, remove the cardboard cap, and replace contents with cream. Then replace cardboard caps and wait for festivities to begin. Very effective and also quite long distance splatterage.
(wrongshui, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Net Send
Always fun on a quiet afternoon:

c:\net send [mates PC name] "VIRUS ALERT! PLEASE RE-BOOT PC IMMEDIATELY!"

Repeat x 10

Only works on non-techies...
(mojo_t_monkey, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:22, Reply)

Schooltime Fun
Ok, I've checked out the definition of sabotage before I post...

"deliberately damage or destroy something in order to hinder or hurt"

and believe this fits in this category. Also counts as a prank, but what the hey....

Back in the 2nd year at secondary school, our form room was in the Textiles classroom

One of the lads in our form took it upon himself to fasten everything in the textiles cupboard to everything else in the textile cupboard using a reel of cotton, shut the door and then tied the cotton off onto the doorhandle.

I believe it took quite a while to clear the mess up. It certainly hindered the sewing classes
( Deadpool, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:19, Reply)

Ian Paisley
I was contracting with some mates at belfast airport.

Walking back to my desk one day I was getting some really filthy looks from my new colleagues. And worryingly some psycho came up and shook my hand and told me I was "a good lad - dead on".

It seems that as soon as I had left my desk my mate changed my wallpaper and screen saver to a nice big smiling picture of Ian Paisley against the backdrop of a British flag.

Always goes down well in a mixed, open-plan office in Belfast, I find.
(mojo_t_monkey, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:14, Reply)

I microwaved a
sex in the city video belonging to the housemate of my girlfriend. Said housemate was an utter utter cunt. It was most satisfying, giving the vid 10 second bursts in the 'wave, and checking the results. I left it once the video washed in and out of static, via purple psychaedelic warblings.

I would proably do this to any and every sex in the city video, as I hate the show so much.

Some other guy, called Edward Blanchflower (because that is his name) who I unfortunately ended up in a houseshare with at uni. He was such a steaming cunt of an idiot it was untrue. He was some kind of crusty, white, rich parented bedreadlockedgoth-ette of a twunt. One of my funniest memories of him was getting a lift to Tesco in his Seat Ibiza - driving down our road in Tottenham this group of black guys pointing and laughing at him 'cos of his dreads.

Anyhow, one night we were all really drunk, and drew on some posters of his, and stuck random bits out of the papers to them. He nearly cried, what an utter utter abject pleb - for all his surly rowdiness he was like a four year old whinging about it.

So remember folks: Ed Blanchflower = cunt
( Liquid Crystal, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:12, Reply)

My next door neighbour
previous to the one now, was an absolute twat, twonk, nob etc. etc.
One day, he came round to my house after we had papered our front room. He wanted to know how many rolls of paper were needed, and asked us how many we had bought (after querying on numerous occasions if it would be different for him seeing on how he was buying a much better quality paper)

I told him that I bought 15.

A week later, he called me over the fence. He said he bought 15 rolls, and had 6 left over.

"Thats funny I said, so did I"
(bear trappers hat, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:12, Reply)

It looked like the incredible hulk's....
The first time my parents went on holiday without me and my older brother, I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to finally lose my V plates with my then girlfriend.

My brother had very kindly volunteered to fuck off for the evening so it was of great surprise when he and 3 of his mates burst into my room whilst I was getting ready and then proceedto pour green food dye all over my cock.

When my girlfriend came round I had to tell I thought that the relationship was "moving too fast" and that I wanted to "take things slowly", as I didn't want to her to see what looked like a one eyed nessie. She dumped me for being frigid.

It was over two years before I finally got some.
(Let's all have an asbo, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:11, Reply)

I
once put my cock in my mates chilli.

It burnt.
(nappy rash, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:06, Reply)

Petty Sabotage
I sabotaged the QOTW by banging on about pranks, revenge stories, general gripes, and anything but petty sabotage.

ffs doesn't anybody understand english any more?
( dr_fonz, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:05, Reply)

My poor best friend
I have a smashing friend who deserves better, it is a shame there is no justice in this world, hey-ho.In my youth, I attempted to make a small gun from a banger, lashings of sellotape, a bic biro and a ball bearing which promptly exploded in my hand, ouch and duh. The next day, I told my friend I had been succesful at making my own gun by using a bic biro, a banger and a ball bearing. The following day, he returned with a hand cut by an exploding bic biro, suprised that his gun hadn't worked. After explaining nor had mine he pondered why my hand wasn't cut. 'Why, I used sellotape, my very best friend, to prevent any such mishap' 'You didn't tell me that' he replied. 'No my good friend, for I am not be trusted as I am bitter and twisted' To this day I am still educating him that some people just should be avoided.
(Funky Spingers, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:03, Reply)

Peee petty pee
In a pub in brighton full of the same old chummy manager and regulars ("my, aren't we fancy, different and cool because we live in Brighton, but can't get paid more than 4.50 an hour in a call centre" they collectively murmered- or did I imagine it in my bad drunk state), anyway, on entering the loo and spying the liquid soap dispenser (not wall mounted, oh no, this was a bottle purchased from boots), an idea for petty saboage popped into my head. So, if you go to a pub painted red and do not want my urine on your hands, don't use the soap dispenser. Since then I am a happier man and no longer get bad drunk, which is nice
(I eat your babies, Fri 6 May 2005, 12:00, Reply)

blindmelon...
That metal alloy is probably Indium, which melts at 62C

www.scitoys.com/scitoys/scitoys/thermo/thermo4.html
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Fri 6 May 2005, 11:29, Reply)

Urinate on the miserable turd
When I was a kid we used to play in a back alleyway a few streets from ours, there was a cluster of trees in the middle and we dug it out and made a little army camp. We had a lot of fun in there until this old cunt, came along, tried to tell us it was his private property and that we should fuck off. Undeterred we carried on playing there. He tried to deter us by putting rusty syringes and glass there, which we removed and left in front of his garage.
Then he even bothered to mix up stones and cement and he even filled the hole up. We let it set and then took it out with hammers and chisels we appropratied from various dads.
We left the rubble against his garage which scratched the paintwork allegedly and pleased us.
He seemed to give up but still tried to intimidate us. One day I climbed to the top of one of the trees in this group. I could see over the tops of the houses and see our house. While up there I neede to take a piss so I got my little boys willy out and let spray. Mid through this pleasure, (It is so hard to stop when you have started) old fucker came along on his moped. I realised I was pissing down on him. It was a beautiful hot summers day, not a cloud in sight and as I peeped down at him trying not to get spotted I saw him looking up, wondering where these drops were coming from.

I am so proud, 5 minutes later I climbed down and ran to my friends boasting of my achievement.
(booionic, Fri 6 May 2005, 11:28, Reply)

A night on the lash...
and on the way home, I needed a piss.
Creeping into an alleyway which had front doors and flats, I decided it wouldn't be the done thing to splish, splash, splosh my urine all over someone's doorstep or pee into a basement flat.
The solution? A handy moped, which had a non-lockable petrol cap. So with precision micturation and a high pressure bladder, I filled the tank up.
Forward a few weeks and at a party I heard this girl loudly complaining that it had cost her £50 to repair her moped as "some fucking bastard pissed in the tank."
(Doctor Evil, Fri 6 May 2005, 11:09, Reply)

My brother...
...used to listen to fucking awful techno on his Ghettoblaster, which he'd taped from some of the local pirate stations.

As an obnoxious teenager his attitude was particularly unbearable, so one day when he went out to take drugs at the local rec, I snuck into his room and put sellotape on the tape heads of his Ghettoblaster.

When he got home and tried to play his tapes, all he got was a quiet hiss. Then he smashed the thing up.

Yay!

He likes The Who now.
(StuffedAlienOnWheels, Fri 6 May 2005, 11:06, Reply)

I shat
on my sisters My Little Pony, cos she bit the fingers off my Action Man.

bitch.
(nappy rash, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Eurrrgh Trevor....
A mate of mine lent me a video camera as Mrs Bentos and myself were off to her best mates wedding and she wanted to record the day for posterity. Trev not only lent me the camera, but also gave me a few tapes I could use "Provided they don't have any film of the boys sportsday on". As he hadn't bothered to check the tapes it was left down to me, cue a couple of hours looking through someone elses boring home movies......until, until that magic moment when I discovered some low grade amateur grot of such vileness it was pure gold, there was my aforementioned mate Trev, with that really ugly barmaid he "DID NOT SHAG, WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!" bang at it, all ways. So what to do when faced with this, get the lads round let them watch it and we recorded our own thoughts at various points in the movie.

I went to the wedding, returned the camera to Trev plus the "unused" tapes, assured him the one I used had no footage of his boys sportsday on it, and off I went. He is still denying he shagged the beast of Canning Town, but for how long?
(ray bentos, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:44, Reply)

Jamjar
1) 1/2 fill it with chicken
2) 1/2 fill it with milk
3) Screw on tight
4) Shake well
5) Leave in nice warm, hidded place.

[edit] Doh. Sabotage, not revenge. I'm full of cold. Sue me.
(Pandaemonium, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:43, Reply)

It's raining jelly
Science was never my strong point in school, but I did make one major discovery. If you bite off small chunks of jelly blocks, roll them around in your mouth until they go a little sticky, then throw them hard up at those polystyrene ceiling tiles you get in classrooms, they stick... for about 20 minutes.

The ultimate grime crime - and unless your class is fitted with surveillance cameras, there is no way the teacher who is being mysteriously pelted with sticky jelly bits can trace it back to you...
( oucheh I am have confused, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Not me but a mate....
shared digs when in uni with a group of total twunts. You know the type, blokes who wear rugby shirts with the collars up, so dense light bends around them but have got to uni as their dads belong to the right lodge. Anyway after one term of total humiliation he decided to move to a different house.
On his last day he took the coffee tin, emptied it, squatted over and delivered a particularly nasty 'dog egg' in the bottom of the tin.
He then filled the tin back up with the coffee and put it back on the shelf.
He never heard of the outcome a few weeks later when the coffee was all but used and the discovery was made but can well imagine it!
(ElGatodeBarco, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:28, Reply)

Bitch of an ex
Once we had broken up (due to her having an affair with my manager) I used to look after my kids for a couple of evenings a week so that my ex could go out and have a drink.
Problem was that she took advantage quite regularly and not get in until 2am, when she knew I had a 1/2 hr walk home and had to be up at 6.30am for work.
So one night at about 1.30 I was getting a bit pissed off at having to wait and did several things which couldn't be linked back to me.
I put salt in the vase of flowers she got from her latest shag, I shook the lightbulbs in all of her lamps, I applyed grease to the nose rests of her glasses, ripped out the last page in her book, and programmed her tv with about 50 reminders to go off during her soaps. (she knew the reminders were me but I got away with the rest.)
She did have it coming tho!
(Cakie So very tired..., Fri 6 May 2005, 10:27, Reply)

Also had this other phase in school:
I'd hang empty drink containers (bottles, cans, those juice things...) from a particular tree. Every time I did it, I'd go just a tad higher than before. Eventually I'd practically started a cult. I'd have like 10 lookouts, calling out in stages to other lookouts, who would then notify me. I'd have people donating their "garbage" on a regular basis. As soon as I got a piece, everyone would fan out, and I'd just stand next to the tree for a second. Then, quick as a flash, I would suddenly leap up to the nearest branch, scramble about 3 metres up, hanging on from a twig reach out to the farthest leaf I could see, and hang the container over the leaf so it barely stayed on. I would then proceed to jump down, straighten myself up, and everyone would come back, pretending nothing had happened.

Best thing was I usually had english next, which was in a classroom with a direct view of the tree. People would say things like "whoa! look at that bottle!" and stuff, and eventually the groundskeepers would come out with their ladder and poles and desperately try and clean their precious tree. And clean it would remain... until the next day. Muahahahaha...

Apologies for relativistic length due to spacetime distortion created by the gravity of these words.
(riedacher_bertram, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:06, Reply)

My prince of darkness physics teacher
When I was at school I had a physics teacher who was great if you were on his good side but a complete sadist if you crossed him. He would tell his a-level class his tales of revenge when he was in a good mood.

1. When he was at university his class had to build electrical circuits and test how they reacted to a powerful magnetic field. The magnet in question was a large electromagnet with two poles facing each other, securely fastened. The circuit board would go between the poles for testing and the magnet would be switched on. This teacher used to loosen the fixing on one of the poles so when the magnet was turned on, the poles would slam together, instantly destroying the circuit in between them.

2. He used to work for siemens, manufacturing microchips in the 80s. To get the day off all he had to do was tear up a piece of tissue paper in the static-free, dust-free manufacturing floor. The tissue particles would take the whole day to clear and would ruin that day's production.

3. He used to make spoons out of a metal alloy (I can't remember the name) that would melt at about 60C. He would leave these in the staff room and the teachers would become all confused when their spoons melted.
( blindmelon, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:03, Reply)

Beejay
I think most of us here are, or were, virginal little geeks at school.

That's why we're so great now.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:02, Reply)

Networked MS Word Auto Correction Dictionary
I'm still not sure why but a company I worked for as a temp many years ago had a networked auto-correction function with a really old version of MS-Word (pre-95 I think)
For reasons I won't go into they really pee'd me off, so on my last day I managed to tamper with the auto-correction dictionary. I never saw the results first hand, but I still raise a smile thinking about anyone typing in my boss' or the company name only for it to be automagically replaced with expletives.....
(Pearly Pearl, Fri 6 May 2005, 10:01, Reply)

A few fun fallbacks.
I have engaged in the usual bits of nastiness over the past decades. A few favorite examples are listed below.

Nitrogen tri-iodide is a fun substance to mix up in a high school chemistry lab: stable when wet, once it has dried it will go off if a fly lands on it. When some punk decided to start stealing valuables out of lockers I baited mine with some tempting sacrificial items painted with the stuff, then carefully remembered not to use my locker for anything afterwards. It took just two days for the locker thief to make a move: even if we had not heard the bang, his surprised shout brought scores of students and teachers into the hallway to reveal his guilt. The iodine stains were deep in his skin and took months to disappear.

Do not make it a habit to piss off people who work in computer labs for they will create toner bombs and cover your domicile in a fine dusting of the nasty black powder. A simple diaphragm container slipped under the door, then stepped/jumped on, will eject a fine cloud of printer toner all over the immediate vicinity. If carpet is present, the damage immediately jumps to replacement level.

On several occasions I have engaged in the quick and dirty lock cylinder attack: obtain a key blank to match the lock you want to damage, smear said key in slow drying/gap filling superglue, then insert the key into the lock and with a savage twist of some handy pliers, snap off the end.

Before Tyron cranked down their IR remote control booster's power output, it had an effective range of a hundred yards with a fresh 9V battery in the case. Use with binoculars or small spotting scope and a programmable remote control. Once you lock in your victim's TV/VCR/cable box type and have a steady aim, you can change channels at will or simply turn off the device at random intervals. Lots of fun on college campuses on nights when you and your friends are bored and too lazy to leave the dormitory blocks.
( Felis Concolor, Fri 6 May 2005, 9:38, Reply)

Russian roulette, but with eggs. Sort of.
A mate of mine used to share a house with a few people, including a girl who was very particular about her food and drink.

So, he used to wind her up every time she'd been out shopping. When she'd brought home a new half dozen eggs, he'd take one out of the box, hard boil it, let it cool down and then replace it in the box.

He did it virtually every time she bought eggs so she grew to expect it eventually, but she could never find out which of the eggs was the ringer, until she wanted to eat it. It didn't make her happy.
(Ian Maiden, Fri 6 May 2005, 9:28, Reply)

School Spanner
The spanner in our year at school was Thompson. He was a virginal little geek with dandruff you could have ski'd through. He was also the biggest grass imaginable, even squealing to the teachers when I left a floater in the loo.

A mate of mine had liberated a .22 bullet from air cadets, and whilst in a science class, we managed to twist the bullet into the top of his bunsen burner. 15 seconds later KER-fucking-BOOM! The beaker of acid explodes, a huge fucking hole in the ceiling and Thompson flat on the floor with the acid eating a hole in the crotch of his trousers (which he quickly had to remove in front of the whole class).
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Fri 6 May 2005, 9:12, Reply)