I just sent a girl a big bunch of flowers and some DVDs
Not to get sex but because she's my girlfriend, she's really ill, I can't get round to see her at the moment and I want to cheer her up.

It really depresses me that so many people run around sniffing after sex like dogs on heat - in my experience people doing this either: a) fail and become depressed and self hating or b) succeed and become insufferably smug and weirdly neurotic. The blokes I respect are the ones who, whether single or not, can sit in a pub and have an interesting coversation without going on about who they've shagged or want to shag.

Apologies for lack of hummus but it's just so sad to see my generation falling for the Loaded & FHM type of sexual propaganda, to the extent where they just remind me of glass-eyed monkeys wanking in the zoo.

p.s. oh, and I'm not a prude - I've had plenty of sex and I'm not that bad at it either....just figure there's more to life than shallow narcissistic pursuits. like drugs for instance :)
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Oh God…I’d forgotten about this until now…
Thanks b3ta for opening a bloody great fuck-off suitcase of emotional baggage I thought I’d managed to leave behind on the great British Airways conveyor belt in the aether…

I was fifteen. His name was…um…let’s call him Andrew. He was three years older than I was. Being fifteen, I was a horny little bugger and I fancied the pants off him. There was to be a party to which we were both invited, and I decided that this would be the evening at which I would make my move. I would be a virgin no longer.

I had just recently gone from being a skinny, awkward pre-pubescent to someone, well, blessed with rather more than their fair share of curvy parts. My breasts were a bit of a novelty and seemed to have an impressive effect on men, and so I thought that perhaps the best way of pulling Andrew would be to stun him into submission by accentuating my assets. I turned up wearing a push-up bra under a V-neck vest top. I was a 28E.

That’s not the worst of it though. To go with my new figure, I was also trying to cultivate a new personality. Rather than being a shy wallflower, I would become an assertive woman. A maneater. The sort of woman who would leap across the room, rip Andrew’s glasses off his face and snog him mercilessly, before dragging him back to my bedroom for the boning of his life before he’d even known what hit him.

So I turned up to the party looking like a hooker and sat myself down next to him. Well, draped myself over him. I actually thought I was being subtle by allowing my hand to wander up his thigh. I’m cringing thinking about this now.

I was not successful. Quite apart from the fact that I looked like drunken slag, I was underage, 4ft10 and weighed about 7 stone. He’d have only got off with me if he’d been a paedophile.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Three Raincoats
Many years ago (February 1978), the g/f and I finally decided to do the deed. First time for both of us, and she was worried about getting preggo. So, I slip on a condom.

"What if it breaks?" she asks, worried.

I put on a second one, over the top of the first.

"I still don't think its safe," she says.

Third condom is worn, over the other two. At least this gives me a slightly more impressive girth.

Sadly, all the latex between us severely reduced any feelings of pleasure I should have got, and I was unable to, ahem, "produce the goods".

But we went on to do it many more times - with less material between us.
(Maclir, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:03, Reply)

My only pot experience.
There was a young lady in college that I thought might be more agreeable to my lusty advances if we did something she liked first.

Hence, my one and only experience smoking pot. I hated it. Not nearly as relaxing as a good whiskey, it gave me instant psychotic paranoia and I blew my ability to say "I may be a drunk, but at least I don't smoke pot, you loser!" How do people become stoners? I don't get it.

And all for nothing. Her boyfriend called just when things were getting interesting, and she kicked me out with nothing more than a quick grope.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:00, Reply)

I once sang 'Wild Thing' at a pub karaoke cos a girl I was trying to pull asked me to.
Good god that was shameful.

Although a mate did once pay a few grand to have a star named after a girl.
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:58, Reply)

Blimey
Pierced ear - didn't work, but now my son is convinced I used to be a pirate.

Went Veggie - didn't work

Grabbed a friends tit - didn't work, lost friend

Listened to all their problems for 3 years - not a sniff

got a job dressed up as a cartoon character - RESULT!
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:17, Reply)

I drank beer
Didn't work
(spinoza, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:15, Reply)

It took a bit of convincing
When I finished high school I flew to Isreal (from South Africa) to be with my boyfriend of the time. It only took him a few days to tell me that he had cheated on me eight times during the few months he was there without me.

My brain hatched a master plan.

When we returned home from our orange-picking and clothes folding kibbutz time in Israel I set about systematically seducing his *Amazingly* sexy best friend, while at the same time wearing down said boyfriend's possessiveness until I managed to convince them both that a threesome was a great idea.

The best part is that the gorgeouse best friend was a GOD in the sack and not adverse to a few more romantic encounters.

:D
(MissB, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:14, Reply)

More like mad stuff I didn't do which didn't get me a shag....
Apparently women love a virgin, so there's me and my beloved lying in a mates bed the night we met and got together. Sex was on the cards and I was prepping myself for the big event. We whispered sweet nothings into each other ears until she asks if i've ever been with another women, I answer in the negative. She tells me to fuck off....

What? Sorry?

"Fuck off! You can't be a virgin!"

I enquire as to why i'm no longer allowed to be a virgin.

"You just know how to hold a woman, what to say, what to do. You're blatantly not a virgin."

After much insistance that I was she took a huff and rolled over, thinking that I was a scumbag who was lying to her just to get in her knickers.

I feel massively underwhelmed, not only did I 'lose my virginity' but it happened without me even knowing. Fucksocks.

Me and this girl eventually got and stayed together but later performances in the bedroom only enforced the idea that she wasn't the first and to this day she still doesn't believe that my cock hasn't touched the sides of another female.

Reading back this story makes no sense in relation to the question but fuck it.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:10, Reply)

Possibly the most interesting maddest things ever
I'd just typed possibly the most exciting, sexually explicit post ever. Its absolutely 100% totally a fool proof way of getting laid but I know at least half the people I've tried it on will read this and I want them to retain the illusion that they slept with me for my wit and charm*. Oh and no it wasn't a not entirely legal pharmaceutical before you go and think I'm some sort of sex offender.**

*No really it works, I'm just not getting any at the moment because my local supermarket has run out of dettol***
**Both length and girth have caused offence in the past though
***Absolutely essential after having relations with anyone from Swindon.
(lankymike, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:05, Reply)

travelled waaaaaaaaaay too far...
back in my hay day of 18yrs old or so...

id travel anywhere, no matter how far to get my end away. needless to say it didnt work and i just wasted a whole of time for nothing. from london i went as far as leciester at 1 point which for a student on trains is wy too far...

well im getting married now and my fiance only lives 20 mins away lol!!!
(supa doopa, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Only a little unusual
Even before my boyfriend became my boyfriend I used to see him a fair bit (we're at the same college). Most often, I'd see him come back from a lecture wearing his cycle helmet and, i swear, it was the most sexy sight I had ever seen :P At the time at least, him with his cycle helmet on pushed my buttons. Weird. Not all weird though, being a fair judge of character I knew when I first saw him that I had to try for this one :) he looked like he could be very warm and caring - I thought he'd make a great friend at least - and I wasn't wrong :D

Anyway, after a while of *seducing* him through MSN, general stalkery and... mention of how much better masturbation was when you use a certain product available from all good pharmacies (the product is NOT intended as a sexual aid)....we got our groovy thing together.

And we're still together :D He's a wonderful guy :) /soppy blog
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:46, Reply)

i think more appropriate would be how many times I failed
I'm not unattractive, I'm quite cute, but I think I just come across a bit odd to most men - too feisty but a bit shy, if that makes sense. Too much hard work for'em, maybe, but that's for another QOTW, I suppose.

Anyway, I abandoned my three strike rule for trying to get a guy (any more than that, and I'm usually inclined to get needy and desperate - not a sexy combo) for two men, and two men only.

The first was the spitting image of Joaquin Phoenix, and every time I clapped eyes on the man I sort of fell into a stupor. Once, I walked past him sitting on the stairwell; he was unshaven, crumpled shirt, looking knackered. I was so shocked by his incredible gorgeousness it was like a body blow, and I had to find somewhere quiet to sit down for a bit. Seriously. I found it rather hard to speak to him, but one day at college I got feisty and argumentative with a tutor during a crit, and this obviously pushed some buttons for him. We got talking. After that, there was much flirting, and I gave him repeated opportunities to do whatever he liked to me, way over the three strike rule, which he seemed to shy to take. Do you know what happened?
He disappeared.
Not metaphorically, literally.
I believe the police were called.*

The second chap I removed altogether the three strike rule, because I fancied him so damn much. Five years of togetherness later (despite at the beginning certain individuals trying to 'make' him gay and telling me he was) I still do fancy him. And he fancies me. And he takes my breath away by looking crumpled at least twice a week, a much better statistic.

I have chosen not to mention the times I wore a see-through dress, a latex dress or almost no clothes to certain parties to get certain men, as soberness and hindsight are a wonderful thing when it doesn't work.

EDIT: I just remembered something else. Shortly after the joaquin-a-like went AWOL, there was a chap on my course who had gained a reputation as the good time had by all the girls, and he took a shine to me. Criticism aside, he was pretty fit and charming. My confidence somewhat dented by the disappearing lovely, i was delighted to be invited over to his so he could 'teach me some Flash' (really). Instead, I was subjected to having to listen to his newly-discovered "talent" of making Cubase create sounds not dissimilar to a small ADHD child hitting random keys on a Casio keyboard. I forget how many times I stared longingly at his bed during this tirade, whilst passing inane compliments and advice gained from my side job working sound desks during event rehearsals. Egad, it was bad. But i think it's a singular boy thing to find a girl with knowledge in something surprising to them (gah, chauvnist bastards, I love them really), then they talk about this endlessly, THEN forget they want to shag you (I have also found this effect with my interest in comics, movies and music). He walked me back home, I got a big hug and kiss on the cheek, and a genuinely enthusiastic "I have so GOT to show you my new stuff! It's nearly finished, and you've got to hear the production!". I somewhat avoided his calls, as further affront to my ears was unnecessary.
I missed out on a shag because I knew about sound levels.

As a caveat to this story (because clearly his 'beatz' put me off. really.), he did a live set for one of our course's charity do's. I'd told my flatmates how painfully bad he was, and they rubbed their hands with glee. He got on stage, i was cringing already, then my flatmate pipes up 'crikey, the lighting's making him look like keanu reeves', which was true (though he didn't. at all). Then he started. And was terrifyingly good. He'd abandoned the plinky noises, and just gone for strumming a guitar over ambient sounds whilst singing, which he did well. So all the girls fell for him all over again, thus completely removing any further chance for me, and I was left with NO PROOF WHATSOEVER of his previous atrocious musical crimes. The bastard.

*I'd just like to say now, I had nothing to do with it.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:43, Reply)

All the way to Canada...
...only to find that when I got there, she'd hooked up with someone else.

Made for an interesting holiday.

Actually, it wasn't quite as clean cut as that, as we weren't really going out seriously before she left for a year's exchange in Canada, but I was still expecting a shag. And I was in the US anyway with work, so it's not like I spent much of my own money getting there.

But it's still bloody annoying!!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:38, Reply)

A long way from home....
Several years ago a slightly overweight and only moderately attractive girl was throwing herself at me, I told her to wait until I was drunk and I would. She did.

I'm not proud of my behaviour but I was O'Neills in Reading...
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Not exactly romantic,
but I find that jumping out of a closet with hood, rope, ductape and a sharp instrument will usually result in the fulfillment of my sex fantasy.

Also saves on drinks/dinner/movie nonsense.
(barrycounty, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:22, Reply)

:)
I keep pootling off to tokyo for a shag, she visits me here in edinburgh too. been going on for years.


not sure it counts though, as i love the girl to bits... and as far as i can tell it's mutual :D

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:20, Reply)

More
Pretended I was interested in what was in her head when I was really concentrating a couple of feet lower.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:19, Reply)

I went to Luton.
Beat that.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:18, Reply)

Well
I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 hundred more just to be the man who'd walked 1000 miles ... No? Back to self abuse, then.
(Fothermucker, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:12, Reply)

not me.. but a friend (no, really)
yes. they found this story and wanted it gone.
(court escaper, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Christy.
I was at my first ever festival (Reading), at the tender age of 16, and was having a super time doing lots of shit drugs and drinking cider. Then along came Jimbob...

Jimbob was camping next to us. He was about 18 with a silly haircut, baggy trousers and a brightly coloured tie that hung loosely over his hawaiian shirt. I was in love. On the last night we all had a party, I drank a ridiculous amount of Ye Olde English and we went for a walk around, starting rumours, looking for free food (we were wandering around shouting "FREEE FOOOOD" and managed to gain about 20 comrades, a rusk and a handful of peanuts out of somebodys pocket this way).

I digress. According to my friends, at some point during this walk (I remember little) I asked Jimbob, quite casually, what he would do if I didnt have any pants on. Poor bastard, I probably ruined his weekend with that one. If you're reading this Jimbob, I'm extremely sorry, I havent drank cider since.

I also got him to write his email address on my arm, I woke up the next morning with an uninteligible scrawl and still havent figured out wether it was readable before sleeping.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:01, Reply)

I frequently used to drive from Blackburn to Manchester
to pick up my 'Fuck Buddy' at the time.

She turned out to be a bitch, so I don't any more. And she wouldn't fit on the back of my motorbike - she's too fat.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:56, Reply)

Lately...
February 2006 I travelled 10 000 miles to meet a beautiful Australian. In May last year she came over to Britain to see me.

Since then I've been celibate but, in two weeks, I'm heading back over to Oz to see her again. I'm pretty sure my balls are going to spontaneously explode when I see her at the airport. It's going to be messy.

So between us, we've notched up over 40 000 miles just to bang each other. After May, it'll be 60 000. Ain't love grand?

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:51, Reply)

The Wheelybin gesture
There is a woman down the street from me called Woolworths. She's massive and a bit 'building shaped' but I still love her. I love the way her enormous rectangular eyes, made from what can only be described as 'glass' sit either side of her door-like mouth.

I spend what seems like centuries in my loft masturbating over and over again about the way she manages to store countless cd's, dvd's and other electrical goods (along with a range of childrens wear confusingly) inside her huge square head. People wander about inside her but I know its me that she wants.

I stand outside watching from behind a lampost, always resisting the temptation from the local slags - 'JJB Sports' and 'Argos'.
I wander up to the door, my heart pounding and my lungs listening to their IPOD nano.
Cautiously I roll up the leg of my dungarees and remove my hard hat. For a second, I wonder to myself why I decided to dress like Bob the Builder today, but that thought soon drifts away. After all, I have recently been diagnosed with Schizophrenia! I can do anything I like! Beep beep.

Anyway, I point at my shin bone and scream into 'Woolworths' face "SHINNNNNNN". No response at all. Heartbroken at this, tears come rapidly from my eyes. And also from my cock. They call it 'piss' when it comes from there though. So there I am, Woolworths in front of me, completely indifferent to a crying and urinating man dressed as Bob the Builder with his shin on display. JJB and Argos behind me, sniggering and probably flicking themselves off. Whores.

What do I do? What I should have done a long time ago - I found a wheelybin and climbed inside. I pretend it's a spaceship sometimes.

Blast off!
(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:48, Reply)

I claimed to be the cousin of a famous pop star
Then followed the object of my affections to her doorstep and showed her what I was packing.

With hindsight it was probably a bit too mad.

Hmmm.
(Barry_Bulsara, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:48, Reply)

how about
ha! where to begin...

Obviously done the whole 'lets go for a drink' line. Yes, it did work, although not really mad.

So how about the time I travelled all the way from Luton to London (back to the town where I lived) for sex. Hmmmm, again, not really mad, more just time consuming (in both ways!)

No, Lets See...It would have to be the time I ended up having an 8 month affair (the girl had a bf), which litrally frazelled my emotions. If truth be told, and it does, she was one of the best people I have ever known. Really loveloy. She wasnt even that good in the end. Still.
(drain_bamaged, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:45, Reply)

women!?
My first girlfriend was a Christian. In order to get in her pants, I had to pretend to love the Lord for TWO YEARS. That's two years going to church and reading the bible and trying not to swear. Once, after I let the other retards (sorry, Christians) pray over me, I got a blow job.

She finally put out after the two years, but only allowing an inch of cock each time so that full penetration took about two weeks. Thus, I can't recall my first time. She finally left me because I stopped going to church with her. Within weeks she was shagging some other guy who didn't even pretend to believe in the Risen Christ.

The next girl I managed to shag, I treated her like shit and told her she was just a McShag for me and that I didn't want to hear about love. She cried after we had sex because I refused to hold her. But she couldn't get enough of my tool.

Later, I stole my wife from her then boyfriend by humping her up against a wall while he was waiting for her outside.

What gives, ladies? I've tried respect and romance, but the only thing that seems to work is being a bastard.
(frankspencer, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 11:42, Reply)